No Point In Her Saying Sorry Anymore.

I have heard it so many times before. Too many to count. 

My mother has been an alcoholic ever since I was little. I do not know when exactly or why she even started drinking. I can only assume the fact could be that my parents had both met in Europe, and my dad moved here for a job, and my mom came after him; so she left all she had behind. 

I used to feel very strong, like I could handle her being drunk and having alcoholic around. Within the past year, it has seemed to get harder for me. as i am going on eighteen. I cannot wait to leave. she tells me when shes sober she doesn't want me to leave, but shes pushing me away, i believe, more than she can even see it. She admits to having a problem at times, but i do not understand why she doesn't do anything about it. She goes for weeks with drinking, stops for a little bit, and is right back at it. It feels never ending. She went to counseling when I was in elementary school. and that obviously didn't help. she doesn't seem to remember anything she does. she falls over and gets bruises on her face, blames it on silly things, like everyone makes these same mistakes. Well I don't see any of my friends parents walking around with black eyes, or bruises on their chins from falling over. She picks on my father and I especially saying he doesn't  do anything for my brother and I, that he hates us because hes always at work, and I don't blame him. i hate being home too. She calls me names, and says horrible things about me, then the next day she seems to just forget them.

Pretty much all of my friends don't seem to understand this. Ive tried to sort of explain it to some; that I find her a complete embarrassment, and I would rather not have my friends around at my house. Only two friends have ever understood that. I am afraid of having a boyfriend, because I would rather not have to have him around my mother either. 

I never really talk about any of this, I don't want anyone to feel bad for me, or think I'm using anything as an excuse.

Things just feel like they are getting harder to cope with. 

HollyCamillex3 HollyCamillex3
18-21, F
2 Responses Mar 1, 2010

I understand everything you are going through and I can't take much more either. At least your mom knows and is willing to admit she has a problem and has gone to counseling. My mom wont even do that. Don't drive yourself crazy thinking of why your mom does what she does, you probably wont find the answer and when you think you've figured it out, it will only make you even more angry and it's not worth it. Don't feel like you need to explain yourself to anyone, if they're really your friends they will just accept that you don't want people over. I totally understand that and I don't like having people over either. Only one of my friends has really been to my house and it took a while for me to open up enough to let her come over. <br />
It's good to know that there really is someone else out there that understands what I'm going through. Have you tried going to therapy or going to AA meetings for the family? One of my friends keeps suggesting I go there. If you ever need someone to talk to feel free to message me cause I know how hard it is to talk to other people.

Thank you so much for writing. It means alot, like I said I never really talk about it. So even anything simple means something