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"it Is What It Is" Acceptance Hurts Less Than Denial

The Problem is nothing. Loads of it. 
 I've known logically that I needed to cut ties with mom for over 10 years. As a kid I rebelled but expected I'd grow up, mature and come to a different conclusion. It took a hammer to drive the truth from my head to my heart. In itself the event was not a big deal. It was enough to make me to grieve and let go of the relationship.
The "event" is an uneventful example of the problem;
Mom called to let me know my manic depressive father had killed himself in the bathtub. She was curt, lightly touching on the fact he was found with an IV in his arm. She hinted he may have had a disease.
Background:
My father/ mother divorced before I was 1. I hardly knew him. Even when he was flush no help came our way. He was a con artist. In 2003 he asked me to visit him in AZ. because he was engaged. He acted strangely, starting an argument causing me to want expedite my flight out. I couldn't. He'd hidden my wallet in his sock drawer. Dads fiancee found the wallet and mailed it with a note. He denied taking it and refused to stay on medication (bipolar). That was the last I saw of him. I received his ashes today. Yes he was selfish but he was sick and incapable. I dealt with his loss a long time ago. He was found on April 2nd. Wouldn't put it past him to have tried for April fools day. Really would be like his sense of humor. 
I'd pulled even further away from mom the last few years.  I've told her very directly she doesn't talk to me. I've made it clear over time there is a lot missing. She'd made a slight change.
The event: Back to the phone call.
I'd tried to engage in conversation on common ground, stating,  “Dad caused hardship in both our lives". She was avoidant and wouldn't expand on any of the statements she'd thrown out there about the circumstances surrounding his death. She created an arguement  I didn't fall into. She was in a hurry. I could hear the other line ringing as she rifled off her itinerary prior to ending the call. I tried to remember any time we'd had a two way conversation. None.
She retired when I was 17. Then married wealthy when I was 20. She's been retired for 25 years.  She has time, money, stability and still won't open up to me. I couldn't do it anymore.. I'd tried to appreciate whatever superficial level of relationship was available. Christmas, Birthdays etc. ...Enough. 
My denial: 
Early on she had done commercials, was a finalist in the Miss teen USA pageant and had been on the dating game, (literally and figuratively). Alcohol has steadily evaporated the person I saw as a child. Her 5 marriages and many romances had left me isolated. Her commercial real estate career and private development projects on the side had kept her stressed. Odd to hear adult friends from childhood tell me "the only thing your mom cared about was your mom". Selfish person. 
 I could paint an entirely different picture including the good things in my life. I was neither physically abused nor in the foster care system. Sadly all the good stuff only hid the fact there was no relationship. Something was missing but I couldn't see it. I want my mommy, waah. It's painful to have your only family act that way,(I had/have wonderful grandparents a long way away). 
The relationship was more harm than good. I'm surprised to be so comfortable with the decision. I've seen a change for good in myself. I naturally stay calm in frustrating situations.  I've spent most of my 20's unlearning the patterns modeled as a youth and earning a degree. I've spent my 30's in a few relationships, working through a teaching credential, and breaking into a career.(don't worry I've been a math, science, PE teacher, not a writer).
How quickly I hit 40. The thing I want more than anything is to be close in an intimate relationship. Looks like I've got a little more unpacking to do. FuckinA

Treyd3 Treyd3 41-45 Jun 17, 2011

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