And Now She's Gone

my mum developed Korsakoffs syndrome, this is lesions on the brain that cause, amongst other things, confusion and false or distorted memories. It is caused, not by the alcohol, but by the poor nutrition that goes hand in hand with alcohol abuse. She had been in a psychiatric unit since the summer for tests and assesments to try and work out what would be best for her future, the last time i saw her was a couple of days before xmas to give her a couple of pressies. On 4th Feb my youngest sister called to tell me she had been taken ill with chest pains and three of us met up at the hospital. We sat in the waiting room for about half an hour before the doctor came in and told us she'd had a massive heart attack and hadn't made it. My sisters went to pieces and I just sat there calm as anything. Mum was cremated on 24th Feb and now I dont know what I feel. My sisters are going through the normal stages of grief and I just seem to be numb....not even numb 'cause I'm functioning as normal, I know she's gone but it doesn't seem to have had any effect on me at all. Am I a monster? Did I not love my mum? or did I say my goodbyes when the alcohol took over? I have learnt alot about  my mum in the weeks since she died and I can forgive her for her abusive and neglectful behaviour towards me, she deserved better than the hand she was dealt....and so did I

onslowrules onslowrules
36-40, F
Feb 28, 2010