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It Always Stays The Same...

I, like the others in this group, have been the scapegoat of my family.  After reading all of the stories on here, I was shocked to see that there are other people in the world like me.

My role as the scapegoat stems from my mother.  She has never been nice to me.  In my young years, I remember her making snide comments to me.  I admit that I never responded well.  I acted out of emotion and started lying to her to avoid the insutls.  I slumped my shoulders, couldn't make eye contact with anybody, and had zero self esteem.  People took advantage of this and made fun of me in high school.

It wasn't until college that I realized that nothing was wrong with me. I had been told for so many years that I was a failure that I believed it.  I started to open up and change.  I treated (still do) people with respect... like how I would want to be treated.  I continued on and finished my bachelor's degree and am now working on my second masters in tax law.  I haven't made the best financial decisions in my life but I am not unsucessful either.   I seem to find jobs fairly easily (even in this economy) and I have alot of close and respectful friends.  None of them act distatefully and none are drug users.

I think much of my mother's bitterness stems from my alleged resemblance to my aunt.  In reality, I am nothing like my aunt.  She was a drug user, slept around, and never finished grade school.  She was a beautiful woman in her younger years and I think my mother resented that.  Now that my aunt is older and unsuccessful due to the mistakes she made in her life, my mother gloats in it and likes to remind her of the failure that she has become. 

I still find myself getting angry at what my mother has done to me.  Her insults ring through my mind sometimes.  I find my heart pumping harder and my blood starting to boil every time I think of her.  I am having a hard time dealing with the false accusations that she has thrown at me.  The fact that she sided with my ex boyfriend when he cheated on me and accused me of cheating on him.  (FALSE!)  The fact that she told me I am a liar and not to be trusted because I lied when I was a teenager.  (I don't lie anymore.  She was the only one I lied to.  Now, I just don't tell her anything at all about my life.)

I don't want to be this person.  So angry all the time.

I fee like she cannot let things go from when I was a teenager.  17 years later, she still holds onto them.  But she expects me to forgive what she has done. She is a gossip queen.  Likes to talk about me to my siblings and now they have all these false beliefs about me too.  I rarely talk to them anymore. Once a year, I get a phone call and we have a fake, polite conversation.  I watch my friends with their siblings and wish I could have their relationships.

The truth is that that none of them know me.  I have learned to keep my life a secret from them to protect myself and, in return, they have created fantasies in their heads.  I have never been a ****.  I have never tried a drug in my life.  I do well in my classes and keep continuning on my way to becoming a professor.  I always try to treat others fairly and I tend to give too much to others, which is why I am poor.

I don't feel like I ever had a mother.  A mother wouldn't treat her daughter this way.

My deepest concern is that I will treat my son the same way.

Regards,

Em
EmilyP25 EmilyP25 31-35 11 Responses May 24, 2011

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Thank you for writing this. You are not alone. As for children of your own, you most likely will become the best mom ever. Giving and definitely loving towards your offspring and the opposite of how you were raised. You are someone special, so keep thinking yourself in those terms.

I don't believe you would treat your son like you have been treated because you feel and you see. The reason I think that you were singled out is because you are different because you see others and can feel for them. You recognize pain and not pass that on to another. You even be worried about it if you were that type of person who can not see beyond themselves. Not everyone has the ability to care about others. In reality you are way stronger and far more beautiful in the soul. You I am sure are a wonderful loving and caring Mother.

You won't treat your son this way because you believe it's wrong. People who do these things believe it is acceptable to treat children that way.

Your story is similar to mine although my father is just as bad, I suppose my mum has married someone like her own father. My father shouts and is angry and has been angry at me my entire life. I am the eldest sibling.

When I was younger my mother would tell me I was selfish, I only had to do the slightest thing for her to start muttering '*****' under her breath at me.

I woke up one morning ,when the sofa I had helped my parents choose arrived, to find my mother at my bedside, while I had been asleep ,she had been swearing at me about what a horrible ***** I was. I find it hard to make friends although I have had many I find it hard to trust anyone.

I have been put in therapy by my mother many times, she thinks I am the one that needs to be fixed. I have such intense anxiety that I can't get to bed until 3.00 in the morning because I stay up all night washing my hands. I have a fear of spiders, when i see a spider and scream they all get so angry at me.

My brother tells me I am the black hole of the family and he dreads coming home because i am here, we used to be best friends but now he hates me. My cousins abused me when I was little, I told her . She doesnt believe me. I might even kill myself

Please don't that. Please don't kill yourself...especially over your family. IF you could, I hope you do find a way to get away from them and never return. You don't need to be subjected their cruelty.

Your story about your mother and your siblings is exactly the same as mine! For the last 3 years, I have distanced myself from my family. Most of the time I don't feel angry anymore. In distancing myself from them, I no longer have to subject myself to the behaviors and attitudes that make me so angry!



I attend family gatherings and will continue to do that for as long as my father is still with us. In spite of all that's gone on, he still deserves my respect. As you said, I never really had a mother. At least my father made an attempt to be a good parent. He tried to reach out to me...I knew he cared. He was also the only providor and care taker we had. It's uncomfortable to be there and I tell them nothing about me, my husband, and my children.



In short, I live a happy healthy life that they have no part of. In spite of having no mother growing up, my children seem to think I'm a good mother (see? there IS a God!)

You have described my relationship with my mother and my siblings perfectly! I have chosen to distance myself from my family. If they choose to continue to live in their sickness, then so be it. But they will be doing that without me, and they'll need to find a new scapegoat. ;-)

I don't think you will treat your son similarly at all. You sound like you have what they call resiliance. Your mother was an abusive mother and what they find is that some people do not follow typical patterns, some do not become abusers, etc....what is the difference, the group that does not follow the pattern, the cycle has something called resiliance. There is lots of research on this, lots of good information.



I was always accused of doing drugs, meanwhile I am so allergic to everything that in reality I probably couldn't take them even if I tried, but hey...why let reality get in the way of their lies right?



Just watch something called post traumatic stress disorder, there is one variety that comes from these sort of situations. But you sound like you are handling things well and are well on your way to getting out of this cycle completely.

It is cathartic to hear so many tales that ring so true to my ears. My mother also always had the habit of siding with others against me or taking their views into consideration while negating whatever my opinion happened to be. The reason for this is due to the fact that she openly identified with whoever happened to be out to oppose me or even insult or offend me. It stems from the logic of the enemy or my enemy is my friend. My father was an alcoholic and my mother and he had a rivalrous relationship with one another. It was not a happy marriage. If my father was actively taking out his pain, anger and frustration on me, out to make me feel like garbage, my mother was hopeful that this would permit her the breathing room, the opportunity to have a little peace so that she could further develope her relationship with her daughters. You could say that she was always willing and ready to sacrifice me. And once the pattern was set, it really didn't matter who my opposition was, a mere stranger, she would side with them against me. Truth is, as my father told me, she was acting this way early in their marriage. Her basic style was to be disengaged, uninvolved, enmeshed, enraged, or completely dismissive. None of which were constructive. This is the thing: these parents and siblings f ours do not have the tools. They are ill equipt. If you hired a crew to build a home and they went about dropping the appliances from the second floor landing to the concrete below and smashing windows and putting holes through walls as they destroyed the plumbing, you would fire them on sight. With our families, however, we have a tendency to keep them around while walking around in a troubled haze wondering how and why all these destructive things seem to keep taking place.

Scapegoating usually cycles through the generations, I applaud your insight. My oldest son has been scapegoated.

My husband and I have worked this out. He now understands his mother's ability to be hurtful. She is the only member in his family that is an emotional vampire, so I can deal. Validation feels good, when you've lived in the fog for so long.



I hope all goats have enlightenment.

I'm glad you found us! I understand feeling like the emotional vampires are blacking my heart. It's like your jar is full of toxic waste they've dumped there for years and years, while they suck the light out of it. I'm scared that I can't take anymore dumping...my jar is full. Sometimes I feel the same about my mother. She has never been there, when I need her there. My mother also took my husband's side, when my MIL is hurtful She once invited me to a bachelor party. I went and bought a gift to be told I wasn't invited by the future bride. My husband thought I shouldn't let it upset me and let it go without talking with his mother. She agreed that I just need to quit being so sensitive. My mom always finds my fault at the argument and sides with the person who hurt me. You know if she was humiliated she would have went on a rage.