It Always Stays The Same...I, like the others in this group, have been the scapegoat of my family. After reading all of the stories on here, I was shocked to see that there are other people in the world like me.
My role as the scapegoat stems from my mother. She has never been nice to me. In my young years, I remember her making snide comments to me. I admit that I never responded well. I acted out of emotion and started lying to her to avoid the insutls. I slumped my shoulders, couldn't make eye contact with anybody, and had zero self esteem. People took advantage of this and made fun of me in high school.
It wasn't until college that I realized that nothing was wrong with me. I had been told for so many years that I was a failure that I believed it. I started to open up and change. I treated (still do) people with respect... like how I would want to be treated. I continued on and finished my bachelor's degree and am now working on my second masters in tax law. I haven't made the best financial decisions in my life but I am not unsucessful either. I seem to find jobs fairly easily (even in this economy) and I have alot of close and respectful friends. None of them act distatefully and none are drug users.
I think much of my mother's bitterness stems from my alleged resemblance to my aunt. In reality, I am nothing like my aunt. She was a drug user, slept around, and never finished grade school. She was a beautiful woman in her younger years and I think my mother resented that. Now that my aunt is older and unsuccessful due to the mistakes she made in her life, my mother gloats in it and likes to remind her of the failure that she has become.
I still find myself getting angry at what my mother has done to me. Her insults ring through my mind sometimes. I find my heart pumping harder and my blood starting to boil every time I think of her. I am having a hard time dealing with the false accusations that she has thrown at me. The fact that she sided with my ex boyfriend when he cheated on me and accused me of cheating on him. (FALSE!) The fact that she told me I am a liar and not to be trusted because I lied when I was a teenager. (I don't lie anymore. She was the only one I lied to. Now, I just don't tell her anything at all about my life.)
I don't want to be this person. So angry all the time.
I fee like she cannot let things go from when I was a teenager. 17 years later, she still holds onto them. But she expects me to forgive what she has done. She is a gossip queen. Likes to talk about me to my siblings and now they have all these false beliefs about me too. I rarely talk to them anymore. Once a year, I get a phone call and we have a fake, polite conversation. I watch my friends with their siblings and wish I could have their relationships.
The truth is that that none of them know me. I have learned to keep my life a secret from them to protect myself and, in return, they have created fantasies in their heads. I have never been a ****. I have never tried a drug in my life. I do well in my classes and keep continuning on my way to becoming a professor. I always try to treat others fairly and I tend to give too much to others, which is why I am poor.
I don't feel like I ever had a mother. A mother wouldn't treat her daughter this way.
My deepest concern is that I will treat my son the same way.
EmilyP25 31-35 11 Responses 5 May 24, 2011