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Sick Of The Abuse.

I am so sick of being abused by my family. It's like my feelings don't matter at all, they just kick me around and treat me however they please. They've made me so afraid to speak my mind that I just keep my mouth shut and let the abuse happen now. Now I'm so used to feeling this way, I'm numb.

I love my mother but she doesn't help matters at all. You see, I'm adopted and I've always felt that she's treated me differently than she's treated her birth children. It's like she cares more about them than me. Every time one of them says something hurtful to me (even my sister-in-law who she absolutely hates!) and I try to stand up for myself, she shuts me up so I don't upset them. Hello, I'm the one being kicked around here. I know she wants to keep us from fighting but I just want my feelings to be taken into consideration and they're not. I've tried telling her this but all she says is she doesn't need or want to hear it but if one of her REAL kids needs something, she's right there to take care of it.

I'm sick of it and there are times when I wish I could just leave and never look back. If I weren't so stuck, I would.
kandiezandt kandiezandt 22-25, F 6 Responses Nov 26, 2011

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CLARAINDIGO: This is the best thing I read on the internet. Your words saved me. I know now for sure I need to scape now from my family, NOW. Thank you so much, it hurts that therapists or other people try to make you "love them" and stick with thembut I know now it's IMPOSSIBLE. I know. Thank you so much. I'm crying because I've realized how strong I am. Keep me in your prayers.

Lindy26, the mother doesn't want others to see how inadequate or imperfect she perceives

herself. Or, it's her unhappiness with everything else. So she diverts it to a family member who seems weakest and less likely to fight back. Or she sees traits in that person she dislikes in herself. She'll emphasize and exaggerate whatever's wrong with him/her so others will pick

on that person and beat him/her down verbally and/or physically. That way attention is drawn from her and to her it makes her feel important and be respected. Often, it backfires. With my mother it certainly did.

Why does the scapegoat thing always seem to start from the mother rounding up the siblings against one person in the family? I could never understand why this happened?

Kandiezandt:



I have posted this before, but in reading your story I see myself over 30 years ago. DO NOT WAIT another 30 years to save yourself. Please read this post and think very, very carefully about what your next steps in life will be.



One of the hallmarks of a "scapegoating family" is that they cannot, MUST NOT, WILL NOT let their victim get away peacefully. The dysfunctional family NEEDS their scapegoat as they need the very air they breathe. They MUST have someone to destroy in order to feel better about themselves. They must have a scapegoat on whom to vent their murderous rage.



When you are blamed for everything that goes wrong, and your successes are ignored or denigrated... when you are discredited, gossiped about, demeaned... you are on the receiving end of evil. When your life turns out well and they only hate you more for it... when they must tear you down at all costs, you are on the receiving end of evil. When they must obliterate your happiness, your enthusiasm, your joy, you are on the receiving end of evil. When they take joy in injuring you, you are on the receiving end of evil.



Evil spelled backwards is “live” -- evil is the opposite of life. Evil seeks to destroy, to crush, to maim, to poison, to annihilate, to eradicate, to obliterate anything that is good, clean, healthy, positive, joyful, hopeful, successful. EVIL SEEKS TO KILL LIFE. Scapegoaters seek to “kill” the joy, happiness, hope, health and well being of their victims. Scapegoaters are pure evil.



Poison kills. Hate kills. Rage kills. Character assassination kills. Invalidation kills. False allegations kill.



Scapegoaters’ spew poison with their tongues … and if we keep breathing it in it will kill us. Period. As sad as it may be, there is only once choice – will we allow others to kill us or will we save ourselves?



As scapegoats, we need to reach a point where WE become very clear on what is really happening. This is not about people being mean and hurtful. This is not about family “not approving of us” or “not caring about us.” This is about evil people trying to destroy us in order to feel superior about themselves. Once we finally stop making excuses for what is really going on, once we admit the truth - we need to ask ourselves selves … why do I tolerate pure evil in my life? Why am I giving people a chance to destroy me? Could it be because we have been trained to be the recipient of the family’s murderous rage? That training will be the death of us. We need to reject it and reject those who would harm us.



One of the things I have learned along life’s journey is you can never stop the scapegoaters. You can never get them to admit they are doing anything wrong. You can never get them to change. You don’t have the power. If you did, you would have changed things long ago. The only thing you can change is YOU. Only YOU can save YOU and YOU need to decide that YOU are worth saving. If you choose to continue participating in the dysfunction, you are guilty of aiding and abetting, you are guilty of allowing yourself to be a victim, you are guilty of allowing your other family members (spouse, children) to be hurt by witnessing the scapegoating. YOU need to be the hero who saves the day. Change is in YOUR power, and YOUR POWER ALONE.



Many years ago, after a lifetime of being my family's scapegoat, I reached my breaking point. I had tried everything to change the dynamics, to stop the scapegoating, to help the perpetrators change their ways, all to no avail. I distanced myself for short periods of time over the years, believing that if I did the right things, or provided some “space” all would turn out well, believing that if I stayed away for awhile the perpetrators’ would "see the light." Further contact only reinforced the cycle of dysfunction and engendered further scapegoating. After the death of my mother, who was the chief “orchestrator of scapegoating” and who always found a way to turn one family member against another, I had my “AHA” moment and I finally “got it.” She was gone and the scapegoating continued, in fact it escalated. She had done her job well. My epiphany was simple: the only way to make the scapegoating stop was for ME to remove myself from the situation. Completely. Permanently.



And so I did the hardest thing I ever had to do. First, I had to face the truth about what was really happening. I had to stop making excuses. I had to decide to save myself. I did not make any huge announcement, I did not make any proclamation about my intentions, I did not accuse or blame. I simply turned my back and walked away. And I have stayed away for over 6 years, and I will continue to stay away for the rest of my days. I do not answer phone calls (caller ID lets me know who is calling - and the calls continue to come), I do not answer letters (and the letters continue to come), I do not accept invitations to any event under any circumstances (and the invitations continue to come), I do not attend any family functions – NONE. I do not respond to any contact from any of them.



I decided to save myself ... to finally, finally love myself enough to say "no more." And “no more” means NO MORE! I am the person who is in charge of my happiness, and I choose life and happiness over their need to harm and injure.



Did it hurt to walk away? Oh yes. Did I cry repeatedly because I had to let go of the dream that one day my family of origin would be kind and loving? Oh yes. Was my heart broken because I had to finally accept that my family of origin wanted to injure me and enjoyed causing me pain? Oh yes. It all hurt… for a very long time.



As my husband said, "They want you crushed. They want you crawling on your belly begging for crumbs of kindness. Every time you do something good, every time you are successful, they hate you all the more. They will never approve of you until you are groveling in the dirt. And they don't care if they hurt me or our children along the way, as long as they can hurt you." Ouch! BIG OUCH!!! But he was right. It just took me 50 years to wake up and realize that it was not them, but ME who needed to "see the light" and finally face reality. Even when that reality broke my heart.



The good news is time does heal… if I had stayed in the situation I would still be bleeding, crying, defending, pleading, being battered, being harmed. Being totally disconnected has allowed me to heal. And the healing journey, though initially filled with tears, sorrow and heartbreak, has led me down a path to happiness and peace.



7+ years on, my marriage is strong and wonderful, my children are happy and joyful, my heart is full and carefree, and my life is lived “in the light.”



I walked away from the murderous rage, black hearts and poison tongues of scapegoaters. I chose life over evil, and it was the best decision I have ever made. I will never go back. I like the light….



I choose life. I hope all my fellow scapegoats choose life too.



Kandiezandt - please choose life.

Yeah, you have the right to be treated with dignity. If you're the constant scapegoat, the only way to change the dynamic is to stand up for yourself. Rivalry can often be the reason siblings and siblings-in-law undermine each other, either subtly or more overtly. Parents can be misguided in their attempts to keep the peace, as it's done at your expense - a peace for everyone except you. I've had both happen to me through just being different, rather than adopted, and it's very tough to be in a position where your feelings aren't regarded as important and can be legitimately diminished. I'd recommend taking some space if that's possible, learning to detach and become a bit more self-sufficient.

If there's any way t get away, do it! You deserve better!