Detachment

I was designated the family scapegoat at a very young age. I suffered bullying from my siblings and emotional abuse from my parents. I was blamed for 'bringing the family down" because I dared to display signs of depression as a teenager after the death of one of my older siblings. Their are so many painful details that I don't care to rehash but I did find relief from my pain by completely detaching from my family. I feel like I am no longer living 'down to their expectations of me", if that makes sense to anyone.

As long as I was in a relationship with them, I felt like they would continue to view me through that same filter of being the "sick one". I am a middle aged woman with career and academic accomplishments yet my family repeatedly shunned me from important events. They have minimized any contributions, talents and positive attributes that I have over the years. I feel stronger with each passing day that I don't speak to them. I feel like I am no longer defined by them or that I am no longer handing them the power to knock me down with rude remarks. I am more then what they see through the filter they created. 
feelthepeace feelthepeace
41-45
7 Responses May 25, 2012

That is very much how my family acted toward me. Even
though my parents are gone, I still feel shunned by some
family members. Except for important events, I keep my distance from majority of them.

Today is one of those days where I sit back and feel a bit sad that I can't be a part of my family. I supposed I brought it on myself by looking at the Facebook profiles of my family but I do understand that if I go back nothing will change. I notice a theme among some of those who are in the scapegoat role...we love our families but we never felt loved back. We didn't feel respected or valued as an equal member of our families. I'm in a good marriage and I do have a loving relationship with my child despite this negative background. I think I am doing the right thing by teaching her that it is better to end unhealthy relationships then to allow them to linger. I don't want her to go through life hanging on to abusive people the way I did.

Bravo for walking away! There will always be some sadness because of your family, but I think when you walk away,,,,you can really start to see everything much clearer over time. Kind of like quitting drinking and drugging. We can become addicted to being a victim and trying to prove we are right. It's all very confusing! And yes, we do recover. Please everyone remember, it has nothing to do with accomplishments. In fact, we may not accomplish what we could due to being scapegoated and abused in our families. No-one deserves to live with that.

You're like me, accomplished people that deserved so much better in life, a loving family, but yeah it seems what we do it's never enough for them. I will tell my story too =(

I've been trying to divorce my family for the last 15 years. There is no one in their orbit to point out or criticize their malevolence towards me. It amazes me that I was not abused more than I was growing up since there was no one around to protect me. So now, in my "old age" I am still suffering emotionally despite the fact I have quietly slithered away from their, I don't know what to call it exactly, "narcissism" which I had to endure at holidays and dinner parties. I, too, am a kind, sensitive and accomplished person. I could find a cure for cancer or write a bestseller, etc. but it wouldn't effect the scapegoat family system. I must be cast out for not participating in boozing and being in awe of them. I really these posts like a thirsty person drinks water because I struggle to understand what happened. No therapist I know has a grasp of it. Living without my family of origin is very painful - even though any interaction with them is insulting and scary.

After 10 years of reading I finally found out why. In my situation my Mother was 1 year away from Becoming an Economist she worked in the summers for the government. She did not want to wear a housecoat and raise kids.<br />
My father is gregarious and charming,he barely made it out of High School 20 jobs in 20 years. He did not use protection and got my mother prego on purpose. He admits this. So when your Mom and Dad hate each other, they dump it onto you murderous hatred. I had to use google scholar to find this out. And my siblings have been brainwashed. They extorted all I had 14 months ago. Run hard. Their marriage is f'd not you.

yuu stole my story.you mean there is some one besides me?i am sorry that i did not walk away sooner,hung around for more of the stink eye,ma is gone now,never knew why her and dad trained the siblings to hate.one thing i did poorly in school,bullied there too and the nuns were brutal and then back to the house and stress and violence,was the crazy one for asking why!also was the big baby and that was a no,no and til present by most in family,feels good,i did turn my back on most in that clan,why take more?i loved most of them..