On The Path To Enlightenment And Freedom!

I am 33yrs. old and just began therapy about a year and a half ago. I have always felt like I did not belong in my family. I thought it was because of some major defect or because I wasn't as good as everyone else. When I would be honest about these feelings with them, they would tell me I'm just being sensitive. Well, a few days ago I found out that those feelings were valid---I am the family scapegoat.
My mom has bipolar disorder(so do I but only recently diagnosed), borderline personality disorder, and is a narcissist. My dad is a narcissist that will never admit that anything is wrong. My brother is the oldest and one of the golden children. My sister is the youngest (my dad's only biological child) and one of the other golden children. I am the middle child and the one most like my mother, especially because of the bipolar mania. I was never taken to the doctor so my mania was really out of control + I was the one who acted out and spoke out about the pain in this dysfunctional family. I had stuffed all this pain away and now I am remembering what it was like for me growing up. The feelings are very intense. I remember being beaten by my mom, dad, and brother. They rarely called me by my name. It was usually pig(my mom says she just wanted me to be perfect..that's all), s***head or s*** for brains when I made a mistake, etc. I was in the magnet program and always made A's and some B's but I was still called stupid because the golden children were in the gifted program. My sister was always dressed nice in Tommy Hilfger and polo. I was happy to get someones hand me downs(totally neglected). In high school my mom decided she would live at a crack house...she took my sister.....abandonded me. My brother was gone and eventually took my sister......left me. My dad was "at work". Actually he was making another family...I now have another little sister...he doesn't see her now either. I was abused, neglected, and abandoned by everyone that was supposed to love me. If my family doesn't love me I must really be a piece of **** right? Well, at least that's what I thought and felt in the very core of my being. I have lived that way ever since. Letting people use and abuse me because thats all I thought I deserved. Its been a long hard life but know its all been a lie. They made me feel like **** so they could feel better about themselves. It's a relief on one hand because deep down I knew I was a good person. It's depressing on the other hand to know your own parents singled you out to be murdered emotionally and spiritually (thank goodness not physically). My parents wanted this for me instead of the love I deserved.
Well, the jokes on them! I have a wonderful husband and a beautiful son. My family on my husband's side has been the example of love that I need. I am in Mixed Martial Arts. I don't work so my time is committed to whatever I want. I have a wonderful life. I am in therapy so this junk will someday be out of my heart and system. As for the golden children....my brother is 36yrs. and living at home with them and he will never admit that anything was ever wrong with our family. My sister is a felon with four kids with four different dads. I'm starting to see and understand that life had a plan for my being the scapegoat. I may have gotten off easy!
mamamma1971 mamamma1971
31-35, F
1 Response Jan 12, 2013

I think I'm starting to see a pattern with narcissist families who single out a child to be a scapegoat: they always single out the ones who have the most potential in life than they do and they're just jealous of that. Well, I hope they are very jealous of your life right now because they deserve to be. In return, you don't deserve their cruelty. Honestly, I hope you're not talking to them...I know they're family but you feeling good about yourself should come first when it comes to cases of families who are abusive in any way.

Thanks for your support. I honestly don't know what to do when it comes to talking to them. I haven't talked to my parents in months because they still try to use me. I'm trying to get strong enough to just tell them no. Like a few months ago my mom was "sick" again. She acts like she can't control her behavior and hallucinates. My dad was dropping her off for a few days because she could not be left alone. Her behavior was awful. For example, when they arrived she asked me if my husband, nephew, and my dads child with another woman were here I told her no. She began "looking for them." She pulled down all our clothes that were hanging in the laundry room and dumped out everything in the baskets on the floor! My house was getting destroyed. I told my dad I could not handle this behavior and she could not stay. He said oh well, I would have to because he had to go to work! My husband is a fireman. He had to leave training and come home and help me. We had to call an ambulance and have her committed! WTF?! Now that I am telling this to someone the more ridiculous it sounds! I am done with that crap! My mom called my husband crying the other day saying she was sorry IF she did anything when she was here. Sorry, I didn't mean to get into all that!LOL! I'm still trying to figure everything though. I really appreciate your comments.