Umm Bad??

Ok, normally I'm not one for breakdowns... actually, I don't really like to show much emotion to anybody except for John, and even then, there usually has to be a good reason for me to breakdown or cry to him. I'm more likely to have attitude and act like a ***** than to cry. I digress. Ok, I don't know where this is going... haha... let me start over.

Yesterday I was babysitting my nephew and he was taking a nap, so I started flipping through the channels and  - lo and behold! - I stop on the military channel and start watching a documentary of Marines in Iraq. (bad idea brianne!!) Of course, I start freaking out remembering that John wants to volunteer to go to Afghanistan when he gets out of MOS (July!!)... and I think for the FIRST time, it hit me that its a freakin WAR!! Like, I don't know if this makes much sense to you guys.... if not, and I sound like a completely dumb *****, well sorry. But ok, let me try to explain. Whenever we discussed him going to Afghanistan, it was always like an *idea* or *story*, something not completely fathomable... something I could talk about and imagine, but it never reallyyy hit me that it's REAL, like REAL men, my boyfriend!, in a REAL war, putting their LIVES on the line... like, not just camping out and following orders here and there and blah blah... they are in real danger! (i promise, i'm not a completely ignorant girl who imagined them sitting in a circle playing games all day, I'm just trying to emphasize my point!) well, as you can see, yesterday all of this hit me square in the face! like, it's his LIFE!! ahhh asdjkfhalsdfj i can't put into words what I'm trying to say, this sucks, ha!

Anyway, last night when he called from MOS, I (mistakenly?) shared these thoughts with him, obviously explained things in words better than I can here, and started crying my eyes out telling him that I don't want him to go to Afghanistan. I probably said all the what-not-to-say-to-your-Marine and telling him that he could get hurt or lose his life, and that I can't stand the chance of that happening... a little voice inside my head was screaming at me to stop, and that I was definitely doing the opposite of supporting him, but the tears kept coming and I couldn't shut myself up!! Of course, he tried calming me down, telling me not to cry and that he understood why I was scared, but that he was being well trained and would know what to do to keep himself safe in danger, etc. With time, I started to calm down and we talked about it a little more. In the end, I know it's not his choice if he gets deployed, but he told me that he would not volunteer to go, for me.... (then I felt guilty because I don't want to be the reason he doesn't do something that he wants to do... I'm so conflicted!!!) Anyway, I feel like I commited a Marine girlfriend's crime by being so... "unsupportive" for lack of a better word. I do support him in everything he does, and now I just feel a little disappointed in myself for breaking down like that and exerting my fears onto him. I told him I don't want him to die!!! like, whaaaaat?? whoooo does that?!! that's a given that I don't want that, why did I need to say it out loud to him??? I am really disappointed in myself (yes, i do need to repeat) for failing to stay positive for him.

Have any of you ever done this? And how wrong was it of me to breakdown to him? Like, isnt that what places like this are for, so we can get out any complaints/fears/negativity here instead of to our men? I can't fight this feeling that letting myself break like that was wrong, and that I should be able to release that anxiety elsewhere and not to him, because he can do without the added stress. Like I said, it's rare for me to show such emotion, so I guess that also leads me to not really knowing when/where/how to handle it as I should. I am grateful for the fact that we do have a strong relationship, though, and he completely understands me and is able to calm me down without letting my fears bring him down as well. He sat there and listened as I cried and rambled like a madwoman, asked me to please stop crying because he loves me and then we discussed everything... and oh! I JUST remembered what he said that finally got me to calm down and now I'm beaming like a freakin lightbulb!!!

When I spoke of how scared I am to lose him and that he's my everything, etc... he was like "babe I love you and you're my everything too, and God knows this, so he won't do that to two people who love each other as much as we do." =] i love him so much!  

Anyway, my purpose is to see whether or not any of you have done this and felt the same way I do right now, as if I did something wrong =/ . Or, if you haven't done it and you still think what I did was wrong, or if it wasn't wrong, i don't know, just some feedback would be nice.

Let me end with a text message that I just got while typing this.... "I love you babyyyyyyy ur so beautiful" =)

bbz2101 bbz2101
2 Responses May 14, 2010

And like you I am not one for breakdowns either. Until just before my husband deployed he'd only seen me shed a couple tears. Remember deployment sucks and it hurts and its going to make you more emotional than you're used to being. But you also learn that you're stronger than you thought.

A deployment is never something you're fully able to prepare for and its natural to have those feelings. But I wont get after you for breaking down when you talked to him because I have done the same with my husband. Yes, we try not to do that but it cant always be prevented. My husband is in Afghanistan now and I have more anxiety now than I ever have and sometimes I don't know how to get my feelings out. Sometimes we just have to dig deep and find all the strength we can.