Post

Vip Lounge For Troops Singles Only :(

Last week I wrote my boyfriend an email about how hurt I was that he would comment on his mom's, friends', and other girls' facebook walls, pictures, etc, but NEVER wrote anything on mine, or private messaged me. I went FIVE entire days with ZERO contact but had to watch him have an 87 comment conversation with his buddy and some chick all over his buddy's wall. It crushed me. I was thinking if you can talk to them, why cant talk to me?! So, per some amazing advice, (you know who you are), I emailed him in a very sweet and calm way that I felt hurt, ignored, and unimportant. Well, as he SHOULD have, he felt super terrible, felt like he was failing as my partner, and he promised he would put my feelings first and use any type of communication necessary to talk to me. I went to bed happy and he was super sweet during his other emails. THAT was on Thursday.
FRIDAY- I log into FB and the FIRST thing I see is "Ian liked this photo" and the pic was a half naked chick with her *** hanging out. So, being the naturally curious AND jealous type I clicked to see who she was and wtf he was doing! It wasn't a person he knows, probably wasn't a person at all, but it was from a group called, "VIP lounge for the Troops- SINGLES only" Well, FIRST of all- he sure as heck aint single LAST time I checked and second of all- the "rules" of the group are you must be single, you can post your info, a pic if you want, where you are stationed, and you can meet with these nasty women to do "whatever" but you have to have served or be serving currently. The VERY day after I tell my bf he hurt my feelings by TALKING TO HIS MOM INSTEAD OF ME- he thinks it would be totally cool to like SIX (upon further investigation I found he liked SIX pics) and even commented, "wow talk about gorgeous" on one of them. I balled my eyes out and THREW my laptop. My best friend could see it on his wall too and she wrote to him telling him how nasty they were and he needed to stop. I mean, it was public- his 13 yo sister could see it- HIS GRANDMOTHER? And ME! I didnt talk to him right away because I was furious and heartbroken. I'm not super big or anything but I have SERIOUS insecurity problems, that he KNOWS about, and I in no way shape or form look anything like the girls he was checking out.
So, Saturday comes along and by this point, he KNOWS something is up because he had been able to email, but my replies were short and almost hostile. I wasn't trying to play games, but I was trying not to pretend like everything was ok, and not sure how to bring it up without chopping his head off. He finally called and asked me what was up... That was when I realized how badly I was hurting because I didnt even want to answer and I hadnt talked to him in a week and a half. I should have been elated at the sound of his voice, but I was just sad.
It was my best friend's, (the one who wrote on his wall) birthday party, so I told Ian I would tell him why I was sad later cause I didnt want to cry my makeup off. He agreed, then emailed a few minutes later saying he probably already knows why I am upset, but to tell him anyways. So, after a few beers, I told him thru email, I said, "I am sad about the group and pictures you liked on facebook" He wrote back a very lengthy email, it BASICALLY said this, "yes they are hot and sexy, no I dont want to hook up with them, I am loyal and faithful to you, you are my one and only, but they are just pictures and it isnt like you have never found another guy sexy. Same principle" By the time I read that email I think I RAN to the bar to down more shots. I was heartbroken. I finally had the courage to tell him I didnt like it and he defended himself? He acted like I was guilty of doing the same thing- which I have NEVER done! I was like really? I didnt respond and then my phone died. :( The next morning I wake up to three emails, and several texts of him freaking out with worry and I didnt do it intentionally, but I think his worrying about me made him think more about what he did and what he said after I told him why I was sad. For his status he put, "WOW. I see where she is coming from, I should have known from the start" Which sounds like I was the one who did something bad, but I asked him and he said he felt terrible and totally understood my point of view. He called like four times on the verge of tears telling me how much he loves me and how big of an ******* he was. I checked his facebook and he unliked the page and didnt have any of those pictures on there anymore. I could NEVER be with a man who checks out other women in front of me. I know men are men and when they are with their buddies gosh- I dont even want to know what they say about beautiful women, but when he is with me- I dont care how pretty another girl is, I am the one that SUPPORTS him and lays in my bed alone missing him night after night-- not that hot babe!
His mom called me and asked what the heck was going on because she could see everything on FB- she knew something was wrong, so I told her the jist of it and she talked to me about how he would NEVER intentionally hurt me and although the timing was bad with my first email, she knows how insensitive men can be without realizing it and she knows he loves me.
The next time he called he told me I am more than he could ever dream of and he will never hurt me like that again. So, my weekend sucked at first, but looking back I am really glad it happened, because it opened us both up to talking about the awkward stuff more, and I feel so much closer to him. Also, after three weeks of one or two emails and one call- in one weekend I swear I got 50 emails and like 8 calls! :) And this week he has made a point to email alot more than he has been. I guess moral of the story is GIRLS- as much as it hurts to lay your feelings out there-- DO IT! It may not always have a good ending like mine did, but at least they will know where you stand on those types of issues! Thanks for reading, sorry its long!
lovethewhale lovethewhale 22-25, F 6 Responses Mar 7, 2012

Your Response

Cancel

Before I start let me clarify that this is a different person than the one who posted the abrupt "grow up" comment. However I will try to offer you some constructive advice, though you may not necessarily like it. I myself am a (male) soldier who married a former (female) marine who is now a marriage counselor. I have had many relationships, and have never cheated (more rare than most women think).



First, you were right to be offended by what your man was doing, not necessarily that he was doing it, but that he was doing it publicly which is an embarrassment to you. Despite what the reality of the situation is, a respectful spouse should never embarrass their partner. This was not just disrespectful to you, but also shows that he still thinks of the possibility that there could be someone else for him in this world.



Now before you take it to heart that you may not be his one and only, consider this; If you lose him, either to relationship trouble or even death would you eventually move on? If you read through conversations with your ex's, were you not equally convinced that things would work out with them? The fact is, there is no such thing as "one true love" because if you lose that person, for any reason, given time you will move on. Him looking AT other girls doesn't necessarily mean he is looking FOR another girl. In fact, it is healthy that he continues to look...



Imagine the perfect, obedient man, who does everything right, who remembers every birthday, every anniversary, and never looks at another woman. He doesn't spend any time away unless he has too. He even gave up hanging with his boy's to spend time with you. Now imagine 20, 30 years down the road, you're in your 50's and it's all gotten a bit, dull. Your great husband is just that, a great husband, but nothing changes, and nothing he does excites you. You see a man you work with, a few years younger than you, he's kind, charming, drives a great car, and he's a bit on the 'naughty' side. You find yourself having an affair because your 'great' husband no longer appeals to you.



So why? Why did your marriage fail after all those years with a great man who did nothing but please you? Because he stopped looking at other girls, stopped hanging with the guys, stopped being interesting. When a man believes that he is still able to one day have another girl, he tries (woman do this too). He'll work out, he'll wear nice clothes, he tries to be what a woman might want. When he gives you exactly what you want, he will become a boring, uninteresting, and an unattractive man.



How do you know if he is cheating? It comes down to this; either he is a cheater, or he's not. Men who have cheated before will cheat again, men who have never cheated (rare, I'll admit) probably won't. So loosen the chains, let him know it's all right for him to look, ok for him to fantasize, and so long as he is faithful (and respectful) to you, let it go. If he's unfaithful to you and you can't move past it, than let him go, because I promise there is always going to be another guy for you.

Grow up

WTF... By the sound of it, this girl is more grown up than you are... How can you say that? It hurts a man's significant other when he goes off oogling other girls! And she was brave, smart, and loved her man enough to tell her how she felt about the situation. Geez, how does that make her need to grow up? That comment even offends me.

By 'grow up' do you mean be mature enough to remain faithful to my Marine boyfriend thru distance, deployments, arguments, and anything else that comes our way? Or grow up as in ignore what hurts me so that I can harbor resentment and blow up on him instead of maintaining healthy communication with him no matter how awkward the situation is? Or do u just mean I should grow a few inches cuz I'm short? I'm kinda confused, but I think you are too because this is my personal story and if you don't like it don't read it! This is a place for Marine wives, gfs, and soon to be wives to support and love each other -- this is not the place for some random guy to voice his rude opinion about something that has never involved him! Thanks bye!

I hate that you had to deal with all of that but sometimes it takes something like that for them to open there blind eyes to what is right in front of them. I am really glad that everything worked out for yall. I really hope that things continue down this path. I can tell you we had a similar situation and now things are perfect and it was awhile ago now but the trust will come back and things will be good as long as he continues to do what he is doing. I think you handled it all so well and the fact that your phone died i think really did you and him a big favor because who knows what you would have ended up saying after you had been drinking if you could have. Thumbs up for yall that things stay like this now. :)

I'm really glad things worked out and i really hope things stay like - it does suck but sometimes you just have to do it because honestly half the time they have no idea that they hurt you in the first place!! I'm glad that he now gets it.

Glad it all worked out for you! I think it is really important to talk about the awkward stuff, sometimes even more important then the big things because it forces you to trust them at your most vulnerable.

Wow. Good for you for handling that so well! I would have flipped out! Though I would have done like you did and just start taking shots. :) I'm really glad you two worked it out and he understood his mistakes.