I'm In A Glass Case Of Emotions!

So for the past week or so.. I have been a complete mess. That is not very likely of me, at all!
I don't like it, not one bit. I've been strong, but it's been caught up with me.. and cant control it at the moment.

I guess this could get long, explaining why I feel this way.

My Marine and I have been through really rough stuff.. 5 yrs of heart breaks, arguing, hurting, and so on..
He chased me back when I found out something he tried to hide.. and I left him. Went out with another guy. and then i came back to him.. and this was 3 months before him leaving to boot camp. We finally sorted things out and he was back to the sweet and amazing guy i fell in love with. It was like the first time, the cute smiles, butterflies, etc. So happy we actually got back, and i couldn't have asked for it any other way. I'm happy that he realized the girl he was with before was not for him.. and he wanted ME back.. and i think she is so prettier than me.. but why me?

My problem now is that im over thinking about the past so much .. that im not enjoying anything now. worse that he's gone.
The 3 months i spent with him before leaving was beyond amazing and unreal. Now im just so insecure about how i look, unhappy, stressed.
Im just not happy with myself at all.. it bugs me that he never deleted that girl off his Facebook.. like why keep her there? He couldn't really give me an answer.. so that truly bothers me. . i don't want her to see his fb or him to see hers. it doesn't make sense. I compare her looks to mine and i just hate it.  :/
Yes im a bit jealous because they had a past.. and they don't talk now. but still.. its just so difficult. this was like a yr ago .. and i cant seem to get over it? slowly but surely I am.

Now im just sad that he's not the same because he is a Marine.. and he so much more to focus on.
I need to go out and do what makes me happy too because he's doing his... and college is not really helping. I'm so undecided. I dont know what i have passion for or what im good at. I'm so young.. but i don't like these worries. I wanna make myself happy first, because i know i wont be able to make him happy. I know ill just make things worse and let out my frustration out on him when we talk.. i don't want it to get like that.
And with all this I mean by I don't ever want to lose him again.. ever. :[
I hope this long distance wont be in the way. we have been through so much. i think anything is worth it.. I dont see myself anyone else but him.. he is my best friend. I love him.

I needed to let this out my chest.. writing/typing helps me a lot. and if any comments that would be helpful!
raindrop21 raindrop21
18-21, F
3 Responses May 13, 2012

Wow felt like I was reading part of my story with the insecurity part<br />
Me and my boyfriend use to argue all the time because of the past <br />
He hated it when I brought it up<br />
But girl u need answers and if he doesn't give it to u then idk<br />
Every question I had my boyfriend answered he hated answering it but I needed closure on his past<br />
We don't argue much about the past anymore because I'm over it <br />
But sometimes I can't help but feel insecure (his exs were pretty too)<br />
<br />
Unanswered questions are the worst because then the matter is never resolved

Wow ! That was so helpful! Thank you so much, this made me smile :]

wow..... halfway down i felt like i was reading my own journal or story. I totally noe whatchu mean girl. I was exactly like this except my boyfriend is deployed right now. Him and i broke up for a bit as well and he dated someone else but only for a few months and came back after because he realized i guess he didnt like her. Anyways my point being she was fb crazy and commented on like a billion of his pcis and ovbs wen i miss him i creep his page and after a couple months i couldnt handle seeing that **** so i told him like not in a mean way but just in a sweet way that it hurts my feelings and continuosly brings up old bad memories of when we were at a bad place. I never asked him to delete it but one day i went on and all the comments from her wur deleted.<br />
<br />
Also atm im going through something where he still has her mom on his fb and even tho he would never get back with her and i know he loves me, it ticks me off because her mom on his bday was like oh happy birthday son.... uh yeah no i dont think so lol. Im planning on saying something but not til hes back if i even member or care by then :P<br />
<br />
But as for you, id slowly mention it, i told my boyfriend not like all once just slowly when i got the chance, because it can become overwhelming. And i agree with the aprt about being unhappy nad comparing yourself to that girl. Its like a constant challenge to try and be better than her and be exactly what they want. Im stil trying to overcome that and realize that eric loves me for me and not for everything else that im trying to be. Its not easy you have to take it day by day, i wouldnt suggest talking to him about it now because i now bootcamp you just get letters anda stuff right? im not sure if youd want to put that in a letter. But when hes back maybe if your still feeling like that you should just let him know that you love him and want to be with him but it makes it hard. I asked my boyfriend when we first started dating to delete his other ex of 5 years off his fb because i felt uncomfortable, he told me it was over but they were still friends. I respected it because i still had some exs that were my friends as well but i appreciated that he didnt flip out and told me it was nothing. Eventually she messged him trying to be sneaky and he just delted her right away and then told me. <br />
<br />
You just have to trust your boyfriend, and as hard as it is somedays to see why he picked you, at the end the point is he picked YOU. maybe you cant see what the good qualitys that you have but girl you ovbs have them lol and maybe his ex is physically prettier but she could have had an ugly *** personality. My point being your ovbs mean something to him more than you can see thats why he came back, and those good qualities will only grow with everything thats going to come with being with a marine trust me. If you wana talk more def message me kaaay :)

THIS IS SOOO LONG haha way longer than i inteded but sorry i forgot to say, that basically without me telling my boyfriend how i felt nothing would have changed honesty is keeey!!! lol kay im done....