Nothing not a single thing.................

AJ and I have spoken a lot about having children we had a plan we wouldn’t have children straight away we’d wait at least three years before trying and even when we were trying we wouldn’t put to much pressure on it we would go with the flow and see what would happen‼ We spoke about the little mini people running around when Sam and Jas had Jordan and Savannah we were extremely tempted to push the three year mark down to two then we saw the bags under the eyes and sleepless nights and were again tempted to push it to four years. Either way kids were always our dream I watched AJ with Jord and Sav and always felt tempted to say ok lets try now he’ll make an unbelievable father and I know this because I’ve seen him working with guys younger than him guys that have just come out of training or back from first deployments I’ve seen him with kids and it’s amazing AJ is probably the most selfless laid back person I know. Throughout our relationship if my panties got caught up in a twist about anything he’d kiss my forehead and tell me everything would work out I needed to take a breath and look at what was the most important thing in the picture‼ He’s always been the one person that could make me feel like everything would work out always and if it didn’t he’d always make me feel like it didn’t really matter because it wasn’t time or it wasn’t meant to be.

Two weeks ago I went for a checkup. The doctor and I had spoken about children and I told him the plan and he said I should stop taking the pill then yes the risk was greater that I could actually fall pregnant before we wanted to but honestly the chance was still there whether I was taking the pill or not we just had to be more careful that’s all and besides AJ’s deployed so really what are the chances unless you believe in air pollination in humans.  So I haven’t been taking the pill for 6 months and everything has been fine I’ve never been regular which is also one of the reasons why I had to stop taking the pill now because of this my doctor has been keeping a report and doing tests just standard procedure I had to see him once every few months so nothing was new here. Last week he called me because he had to give me some news the news he told me should have literally broken my heart right on the spot. I can’t have kids while I could but it comes with a book load of complications that no one ever wants.  I have a tear in my womb and because its never healed probably the changes of me carrying a baby full term have been reduced to less than half I would be lucky if I could probably carry up to halfway through my second trimester but the chances for me having a miscarriage after that are more if I’m lucky enough and carry full term there could be more complications in giving birth because of the tear. As a doctor I know that I could probably toss a coin in the air and try anyway and it could work out I know that I could have a operation that may or may not work I still have options and I know this but I also know whatever I choose its going to be dam hard on both AJ and I and still it didn’t break my heart and I’m not looking at my options it’s like I cant move I’m not in shock ok maybe a bit or lot who knows because I don’t - but it’s more than that. I want AJ here I want him to kiss me on my head and tell me everything will be fine and the stupid thing is I know it most probably will and I know this is a huge blow on both of us and I know this is bad news but - have any of you ever had those moments where you get that bad news but you cant deal with it so you shove it away hoping to deal with it later because there’s more important stuff going and you’ll deal with it then. This is how I feel now nothing I cant think about it I cant process it in anyway I’m number than I have ever been when I told my mom she told me I was talking about myself as the third person and I was my mom is the only person I told and told like I was a frigging robot then I thought ok writing about it should help but nothing not a dam thing - I had more emotion in the last week reading  Angie’s story than writing about this its crazy – I know I’m going through the motions my mind is sorting crazy out and I know I’m blocking in a big way but I also know at some point I have to deal I just cant not now I've got to get through the next few months before i can process any of it - i know about 20 of you are going to jump down my throat and throw but all advice that I've given on here and honestly do it because i know blocking is NEVER good and that's exactly what i'm doing‼

I haven’t heard from AJ and a huge part me is relieved but part of me just wants to get it over with the other part is kind of screaming at me telling me the longer I don’t hear from him the better because the minute I do I will tell him because he’s the one person I know that will force me to deal with it and at the same time make everything alright again even from 12 000 miles away ‼ the other part is like dude you going to robot tell him is that what you really want process it first then tell him the strange thing about it is I know I wont as much as I want to no person wants to hear this **** right at the end of your deployment not only that I need him here when I tell him robot or not he has to be here and telling him over the phone – I couldn’t do that to him ever even numb me knows that! A bigger part of me doesn't want to tell AJ at all if i'm this numb right now i know AJ will hit the roof and part of me wants to be pissed as well but i know keeping a level head right now is important but i know as hard as i'm trying to cling onto sanity right now i cant tell him while i'm this numb i also cant wait long because it'll just get worse but i'm pretty sure i'm not telling him while he's there! I cant help but think like i've let him down and honestly i know without a doubt in my mind he'll never think that EVER but how cant you? ugh now i'm rambling so i'm done!!

Can you believe still nothing not a dam thing this is crazy i even went into things i should be feeling and not‼ hope you all doing well and I hope you all had an awesome mothers day and that you all spoilt you mothers crazy and if you are a mom you doing an awesome job‼‼

 

Storm25 Storm25
26-30, F
7 Responses May 15, 2012

So sorry to hear all this! If I were you I would take this time to process your options scientifically. Your a dr so you know the risks and the options. Try and write out what would be the safest option to make you happy! This way when it does hit you at least have hope and knowledge in your options!<br />
If you were to get pregnant and go on bed rest would it make a difference? Or you could have surgery right? If not there are always surrogate mothers or adoption! Don't give up on being a mother. It's possible, just maybe not the way you always imagined! <br />
Don't stress about being numb. It's like the 5 stages of death, except your not dying obviously. Lol but I agree, when you talk to AJ I think it will all hit and he will be with you and you can handle it together. Don't lose hope though! There is truly a reason for everything and it will all work out somehow in the end!

Storm, I am so truly sorry for the news you got. That is life changing news. From what I've seen, your dealing with it pretty normally. I haven't personally gone through anything like this, but I've had family and friends that had misscarriages and were told they couldn't have kids. Normally it starts with denial, which I think it's what your going through. Talking about it as a third person, just shows how disconnected and the disbelief your in right now. Don't feel bad about not feeling anything. <br />
<br />
I think one of the reasons is with AJ gone, it's just not the top concern. He's your biggest support and probably the person who brings you the most comfort. Once you get to talking to him I think you'll have a rush of emotions. :/ Maybe try and prep yourself for the moment when you have to tell AJ. He's going to have a ton of questions im sure. It might even help you cope just knowing you have options. <br />
<br />
My best friend was told she wasn't going to be able to get pregnant, and if she did she would miscarry. She had one misscarriage, but has a beautiful son who's almost one now. <br />
<br />
Do you have any idea how the tear happened? I'm so sorry that your having to deal with this news right at the end of the deployment and during the wedding plans! Worst timing :/

Thanks. You right AJ is my biggest support system really the first thing i thought about was telling him otherwise nothing!!

it's a combination of things actually the first is I've been diagnosed with PCOS which in itself is bad but the tear just makes impossible now - it was a trauma tear that just never healed and it probably wont it's been so long that the doctor told me if hasn't healed now it wont i'm pretty much stuck with that the combination of both is basically i can get pregnant i just cant carry full term when i do - i have no idea if you know what i'm talking about i feel like I've just doctored you.

Haha no it's ok i understand it, my best friend and my mom have PCOS but neither have a tear, which I could understand how that would make it impossible. :/ well honestly, maybe it's a good thing you aren't feeling anything just yet while AJ is gone. I think it's going to help you digest it all once you have him there with you. You can always message me if it hits and I'm always here to listen. I'm so sorry girl :/

Hey girl its ok to not feel anything right now. Numb is normal in this situation. I have two cousins that can't have kids and honestly your responding like a normal person. All the emotions you think you should be feeling you might feel later don't rush it. <br />
<br />
Don't worry about anything but getting him home for now and then I would venture to guess that's when you will actually be capable of dealing with all of it.<br />
<br />
Stay strong girl

thank you

From reading your others stories, I'm wondering if I know where you got that damn tear... either way, I'm so sorry hun. (((((hugs)))))<br />
<br />
I think you'll know when to tell AJ. And I think he'll be the one who will make you un-numb. So many things I can go robot on too, but when it comes to telling Matt, all gets let loose! So when you're ready, let him know.<br />
<br />
And message me if you need to vent at all ♥

you right if you read the other stories and its why i think AJ will flip his lid thank you.

I'm sorry you have to go through this. Its not an easy thing and we are all here to support you. It takes time to process somthing like this and you should take all the time you need to cope with this.<br />
<br />
Besides what the other two comments said (that I agree with), I just wanted to add that you shouldn't rule out the possibility of still having children. There is always adoption. I was adopted and lucky enough to have a wonderful, loving family. My mom could not have kids, and they tried for years with multiple methods. They ended up with me. :) they called me their 24 hour pregnancy because they found out only 24 hours before being able to pick me up. You are still young and have options available. :) keep your chin up and if you need to talk feel free to message me.

thank you

first of all i am soo sorry that your feeling like this (or not cause your not feeling anything).But if it makes you feel a lil better not that it should i had an ectopic pregnancy when i was 18. Its a long story but basically i had a miscarriage (i didnt even noe i was pregnant) that got stuck in my my tube that carries my eggs and it turned into a cyst that ruptured, i had to get my whole left tube plus that side of my eggs taken out, which means 50 percent chance less of having kids and my chances of that happening again are like soo much higher than any normal women. And the worst part is eric knows about this, (wasnt with him when this happend) but he doesnt i dont think fully understand the seriousness of it, and this was three years ago and maybe last year i think i had just started thinking about it.<br />
<br />
I never talked about it after i had my surgery, i never thought about it, i just started getting more worried and thinking about getting tests done since me and eric became serious and i know how much he wants kids, well we both do. Your not alone, its normal to not want to think about certain things. Personally i think its because you know once it hits, it will hit super hard. I think thats going to happen when you tell Aj about it. I dont know how good and not telling Aj things but i wouldnt tell him now, because A. you havent even processed it and i dont think it would be fair to him or to you to have this conversation as if you were talking about something small. and B.if this does hit you after you tell him i know your going to want him there with you when your being upset over it. and C. you dont know exactly how Aj will take it, what if his reaction is the complete opposite of yours im sure you already know how it goes, as hard as it is i think this is something that you need to sit down with him and talk about once youve been able to think about it more. <br />
<br />
Im not trying to make you feel bad, but its life **** happens then you figure out how to fix it or to move on, but before you can do that you need to understand it and feel it otherwise it just becomes built up over time. Ive never dealt with my emotions after that surgery i just pretended like it never happend. But now im stuck with this ugly scar on my lower stomach that cause a constant hate for my ex and wanting to slap his face off, and this overwhelming anxious feeling whnever eric and i talk about kids. Im only now seeing my counsellor about everything ive ever pushed aside for "later" Ovbs if you need to talk more im totally here and you can message me whenever you need!!!! Im so sorry that this is happening to you at a time like this hun. Sorry this is so long lol

I'm pretty sure i wont be telling him now because like you said it wouldnt be fair on him and i'm just refusing to deal with it now whether i want to or not - i know what you saying and in all honesty i think its more of a defense thing for me i'd rather deal with it when he's here - you made perfect sense really and i know what you saying and good luck with everything and i'm here for you too.

No one should jump your case! This is a serious thing! Not something re-runs and ice cream can fix! Finding this out shakes your whole world as you knew it. But it sounds to me that AJ is a very good guy, and he's going to comfort you in every way you can ever imagine. And you have a support system here too! I know that the best for me to get things off my chest is writing about it. But I know sits not the same but... Everything will be just fine in the long run!!!

Thanks, really i wish reruns and ice cream would work but nope not even close thanks though.