He Did It Again!!!

So from not wanting to deal with this crap my mom called and told me she told dad, Jas and Sam I expected that she would it’s a pretty big thing to keep from them they’ve already given me the third degree trying to figure out what’s up and because I’m not dealing or feeling I could just brush them off however my mom is a different story she going through the phases for me she’s been crying and she’s upset and she even went all internet on me giving me options on what we could do – I love her for it I really do but I know she’s just trying to get a reaction out of me and I also know she knows I’m blocking because I feel like I have to. My dad called me over to their place and sat me down and he asked me if I’d spoken to AJ I said no and I wouldn’t until he came home he then asked a very relevant question will you cope that long I have no idea but I’d definitely try he then told me that he knew I was in an impossible situation but wanted me to know he had my back and he hated seeing his little girl going through this then Jas arrived said nothing and just walked over and hugged me and said its not the same but we got you I said thanks and I knew that my dad then told me that he thought I couldn’t be alone now and thought I should move back in and said even though I’m not feeling anything I look like I’ve been hit by a bus and I went with it because seriously when I say I’m numb I’m really numb I’m like living in a fish bowel people are telling me stuff and I’m just going with it I know the people mean good and I’m grateful for it but decision time is kind of beyond me at this point‼  Then I happened to look in the mirror after the bus comment and thought holy crap Storm you’ve got to sort your **** out and fast lol I looked terrible and thought I looked fine until my dad said something no frigging wonder people have been giving me the third degree‼

Then because Murphy rolls the way he does AJ called last night I haven’t heard from him in two months and from dying to hear from him to not wanting to hear anything to hearing from him was completely insane I never told him although he knows something’s up! I told him it was nothing he didn’t need to worry and it could wait till he got back home then kicked myself because the last time I said that was when I dropped a pretty big bomb on him and then he did it again like right when I needed it he told me he loved me warts and all and because of who we were we could get through anything and all I could say was I know boyfriend just hurry home‼ there is good news though its via grape vines but it looks as though they may come home earlier I know it’s rumors and at this point I’m just holding my thumbs that this will happen‼ AJ’s doing incredibly well he’s full of life and full of **** more than ever before and that’s good‼ I’m better a combination of AJ, Dad and Jas made a crack in the walls I built around this but more AJ than anyone else which I knew he would he really does make me believe we can get through everything and I know we can. In the mean time substitute AJ’s being Dad and Jas are doing an awesome job Jas and Sam and the kiddies also moved back home lol it’s our thing one of us goes through something and we all migrate to one place because we feel safer that way. I think because of this I’m feeling more secure sometimes I think all I really needed was people I knew loved me around me no one had to say anything although they do and it’s fine but all I needed was a hug and my dad like AJ, Jas and Dad are the only two people in the world that make things look just that little more bearable‼ I asked my family to try not say anything to AJ’s family I know its unfair on them but I just feel the less they know right now the better they know something’s up because we all moved into the same house and my dad told AJ’s dad they just keeping me sane which they are for the most part I just know my mom and his mom are exactly the same she’ll let slip not on purpose but as I said before I don’t want him to know now every part of me wants me to but I cant do it now and it’ll be worse if it didn’t come from me – I hate secrets really I do‼

I also want to thank all of you some of you hit the nail on the head you know who you are and some of you are right its not just about not having kids yes it’s a huge contributor and the main issue but I feel like I’m going through it again instead this time it’s in my head I close my eyes and its there its also why I’m not saying anything to AJ yet its unfair and it’s something I’ve got to face and get through I’ve done it before so I know I can do it again‼ the good thing about it is I know AJ understands it I know he knows I’ll come to him when I’m ready and I know he’ll back off until then. our conversation may not have been the way I wanted it to go but I know he understood and I know he’s fine with it and I know he knows I’ll tell him when the time is right I also now know I can in my own way start to deal and stop blocking! Right now all I’m doing is just trying to get through the days the good news is I’m speaking about it my family has this cunning ability to make me feel safe and I know I can say stuff to them and I know they know in that moment its how I felt it necessarily what I believe‼

Once again thank you all of you‼ this is just an I’m ok not great but I’m getting there‼

 


Storm25 Storm25
26-30, F
4 Responses May 16, 2012

Your blessed to have such an awesome family. Stay strong! And remember there is always a reason to the maddness in the world. Best of luck!

I'm so sorry you've been upset but I'm glad it's getting better...you are doing all the right things and I am hoping AJ comes home soon to you! Good luck with everything and no matter what happens, you are and will always be an amazing and strong woman.

((((((hugs)))))))) again! You'll tell when you're ready :) I really am glad you have Jasson and Sam and your parents there for you though at least! (And us :))

Sounds like your starting to become a little less numb and talking about it with your family will be a huge help I'm sure. Your a strong woman with a strong man and you can do this!!! keep your head up girl and find one thing a day to make you smile, it will help