Aahh

So I have seen Ryan twice since January, so I guess I am lucky because I haven't had to go as long as a lot of you ladies have, but I have been feeling kind of down about things lately. Maybe it's because I saw him 2 weeks ago so I miss him extra right now but I don't know.
He has no clue that Im struggling, he has been assigned class leader recently. He is not thrilled about it because now he is in charge of a bunch of kids (he is 26 and half the guys are 18 so he feels like its his kids). His Sargent has also told him to run the class like a prison, which means that these guys who are his peers and friends are people he has to yell at. He has no time to study for his tests and he is unbelievably stressed out. It breaks my heart everytime I hear from him because you can hear how overwhelmed he is! I send him cheesy pictures daily to make him smile and encourage him. I just wish I could help more and I don't know what to do!!!
Well on top of that I just started my job. At first I was excited because I know it will make time go by faster but after the past three days I just want him here to hug an encourage me that it will be ok! I had to drive the ambulance for the first time today, easy right? It's just driving! HA I'm pretty sure I'm goin to take out more people than I save because its sooo big!! I can go straight and back into tiny spots but I can't take a 90 turn goin forward without takin out a few cones. (was on the practice course). Tomorrow I work 7pm to 7am and we, ebr Ems, have been sooo busy lately! The crime in this city has gone up so much and it's drowning season. I am no longer the student who can mess up and it's no biggie. I am now in charge of saving people lives and being able to hold it together. During my clinicals I was numb. I had just been dumped( spur of the moment a week before valentines day) so I could be in any situation and not care about anything except treating my patient as best as possible. Now I have Ryan, Im a sappy woman again. I have a heart that I wear on my sleeve. I am FREAKING out that I'm goin to get a bad call and not have him here. He is a paramedic with the same company so he knows exactly what I'm going through. I just am terrible about keepin my mouth shut and I don't want to stress him out anymore than he already is so I'm prayin I don't get a bad call for 84 more days so that when I get one I have the love of my life to hold me while I cry.

If any of y'all have ideas of how to keep him less stressed let me know! I'm sending a care package soon and bakin brownies for him. If there's somethin else that y'all know of that helps you or you man relax I'd love more ideas!!!
Newmarinegf Newmarinegf
22-25, F
2 Responses May 16, 2012

It's so weird how some of your stories are like ha that rings a bell maybe because we both have similar professions it will happen!! I think honestly the minute we dont want that bad call it comes through i get you dont want to over burden him and i think being one of the most recent people saying that i know where you coming from!! The bad calls happen at the worst times really like when you just want one a quiet day some bus decides to capsize or some guy on water ski goes through the warf it happens we get that because we the people that pick up the pieces and save lives. my hardest year was my first year as intern i saw stuff i didnt want i saved people for them to just die an hour later you and i understand that stuff like that happens all the time but accepting it is the harder part rapping your head around it is even harder but we do it because its our job its what we were trained to do sometimes it's overwhelming and sometimes its easy as pie and sometimes you think really that last case was nothing compared to this i only learnt this later on after my first year. So as person whose kind of been there i know you can do this and you know you can do yes its more responsibility but you've been training to do this you already know what to do trust you instincts because they always right and yes sometimes we mess up it happens you wont be the first and you wont be the last and you'll always learn from it I know it's a huge responsibility to carry but you'll be fine!! You did it to me so now i'm doing it to if you need anything message me!!

I know!! And as a student I wanted bad calls so I would be better prepared! I was a complete white cloud. Worst patient I had was in svt and we didn't even get to pace him! 90% of my calls were things where the patient didn't even need to go to the hospital. I have a feelin that now I'm going to get the worst of the worst calls. And I'll be able to cope I'm sure, it's just going to be rough. Im living with my parents for the summer and I don't want them to be upset because I'm upset and stressed. Plus my dad gets nauseous at the sight of an ambulance because he hates blood so much. But I don't want to stress Ryan out either. Poor thing already feels guilty he's been gone so long! Why are our jobs so stressful?! Lol I know I can do this but I'm prayin I never get a pediatric code secondary to abuse. And watch, that's going to be my first call tonight!

lol i remember coming home and getting excited about the weirdest stuff really my first ever operation was a guy who put a knife in his eye i went home and started telling people about it my mom looked me and said you i think you need help lol it was exciting i mean come on a knife in an eye and i got to pull out on my first day as an intern it's like the coolest thing i've ever done!! i'm not crazy!! But the novelty has never worn off i just learnt how to control it and what to say in front of my mother!! when i started getting more responsibility and more control it also scared the hell out me i get it the less you have to deal the better and as much as families are like ok unload they always land up saying ok stop just stop. You learn to distance yourself the first time i learnt that was when i had my first kid her family was in a car accident and they were pronounced on scene i spent hours by her side i never left and even AJ came at sat next with me but she died and i did everything and it broke my heart seriously i was ready to give up on the spot but my attending and AJ wouldn't let it happen my attending said now you know how it feels to loose someone you put your blood sweat and tears in saving take that feeling keep it with you and promise yourself to never feel that way again and i haven't ever. some cases are harder than others and kids are always the worst i've never been able to completely distance myself but knowing that i did everything i could i feel like i can walk away with a clear conscience!! it's stressful because we hold peoples lives in our we decide whether they live or dont its huge and you feel it but can never think of it that way go in do job then get out if you did everything you could you did it properly!! you know whats strange is i feel like i can talk to AJ about my job they very very similar except for the obvious which actually a bit laughable but moving on. i know Ryan's under pressure but any leadership role is but it's an adjustment AJ told me he felt like a douche shouting at the guys that get him home and i'm like stop thinking about it that way you a leader because they chose there's a reason for it i only got it when i promoted and started bossing people around i could feel them glaring at my back not that were its just how it felt - he wont mind sometimes taking his mind off it actually helps him more crazy i know but it does when i can feel AJ is stressed more than usual i tell him stuff like the most recent gooey case we got in and he loves it seriously it's actually a challenge for me to get get to say ok stop - i'll get him one day!! Good luck and honestly anytime!!
lol wow i wrote a frigging novel for you!!

stay strong and just focus on your job im a nursing student i no how hard it can be especially when all you want is them right there to hug you and tell you itll be okay. But the best thing you can do is just give him the strength he gives you. tell him what an opportunity this is and to look at it from a positive side. Reassuring my bf that i wont leave him that i love him and want to be with him forever is the best way to make him less stressed. I think the ideas you have are great though! stay strong!

Thanks I try!!! When I went to see him last time we agreed to get married. I want him to come home and get my dads permission before its official and I just want to spend time with him while he is home to be extra positive. But I always tell him how he is my fiancée and I'll plan random parts of our wedding because I know that does help. :) I'm tryin to be the best girlfriend/fiancée I can be but sometimes I really wonder how women can do this!!! It's like having withdrawals from the best thing in the world! Thanks for the advice!! I'm trying to be positive and strong!

thats exactly how we are ! were like engaged already but hes deployed hes proposing when he gets back and when i plan cute wedding stuff or our future kids etc it always makes him so happy! And I know it is just like withdrawals. its terrible. But its all worth it its like would u rather have the withdrawals or not have it at all stay strong and if you need anything feel free to message me! :)

Your right. That's why I decided to start dating him right after he left! I'm head over heels for him now!! Anyways, thanks so much!!

no problem :)

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