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I'm Falling Apart.

I'm about to break... I've been 120% stresses out. I'm finding that.. Well, I really don't have any friends. Seriously. I mean, the only people left are James and PFC Trujillo... And Trujillo has been so busy with the Marines, work, and his new girlfriend, I haven't been able to talk to him... And I have to stop writing to James because next week is the Crucible and then he graduates. I aas planning on stopping sending letters yesterday, but I got a letter from James, so this will be my last letter to him.

Other than the lack of true friends in my area, I find it very, VERY hard to even talk to my parents. Especially my mom. She always says I don't talk to her unless I want to - uh... DUH! I want and kind of need someone to talk to, so I guess I'm selfish. She's always been like that, claiming that I only talk to her about stuff she doesn't want to hear, or that I choose to only talk to her when she's doing something... All she ever frickin' does when she's not at work is play on her damn computer! Yeah, I get that she needs time to relax, but geez! 7-8 hours or more on the computer AS SOON AS SHE COMES HOME! I am NEVER as to talk to her because she IMMEDIATELY occupies herself with her games. I never have been able to, even when I need her the most! Instead, I had to go to a therapist because my mom couldn't afford to ever talk to me... Yet she could afford a therapist.

Everything with James's mom seems to be going okay, but... I still owe her money that I don't have. I am dirt poor, I can't even afford our cats and the snake... How am I supposed to frickin' do this? I can get a job because I need a GED, I can't get my GED because I can't drive there to take the class and test, I can't get a car, insurance and register the car because I have no job!

Why the hell would James ever want to marry a failure like me? He is so much better than me on many levels... He's had a job, two actually, now he's following his dream, he can drive, his personality is better than mine... I am the exact opposite. And his mom was right, I do rely on him to support me in every way... I can't provide for myself... How am I going to live like this for the four years he's in the Corps...? This home business of mine is never going to happen...

Jamie could have someone so much better than me... I think he really does deserve someone better than me...
Dessiedess Dessiedess 18-21, F 5 Responses May 17, 2012

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Hug from me too. Parents just dont understand, mine thinks my marine is cheating on me everytime he doesnt answer the phone, THE MANS BUSY! Congrads on him coming home soon, thats the best feeling having him there. About the job, remember put in applications EVERYWHERE! And be pursistant i called a week and a half after dropping off my application to check and see if it was reviewed yet, i got 3 job offers that way, just keep trying, it gets easier

*hugs*<br />
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First I have to say, just because he is going to start the crucible next week doesn't mean you have to stop writing him. My bf started the crucible this week and I still sent something out to him today, because it helped me to write him while he was gone. I figure if it reaches him great, if not I spent the money on a stamp to send the letter to another state and let it see the world a little bit before it came back. If any of my letters are returned to me I'm just going to give them to Zack when I see him.<br />
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Also I understand the whole not having many friends. One of my best friends I have known for almost ten years (and his GF who I've known for about 3 years) told me they would be there for me though out all of this and I've seen them all of twice since Zack left, and that was in the first month he was gone! I have in the past four years (or so) kept a small circle of friends and this had made it dwindle down to only four in state and two out of state. It sucks but it lets you know who your true friends are.<br />
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I'm sorry to hear that your mother treats you like that. If you need someone to talk to, vent to etc. I'm here. Just message me!<br />
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James fell in love with you for a reason and wants to marry you! That says something about you! You may feel like a failure now but in truth you aren't a failure. You have made it this far and have done what you can to try and get a job. Just because you tried and weren't taken does not mean you are a failure. You didn't just sit around doing nothing. Try a place close to where you live (again if you have to) so you can walk to work. Try a job like waitressing, yes it sucks but it is a job (speaking from experience), and it pays.<br />
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You are only two weeks away from him coming home! Don't start to doubt yourself now. Like I already said, James fell in love with you and wants to marry you for a reason. That means something! You haven't waited around for him for nothing, you love him and he loves you. Remember that everything happens for a reason, even if you can't see it immediately.<br />
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Stay strong and keep your chin up! Feel free to message me about anything!<br />
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Good luck finding a job and remember...<br />
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YOU ONLY HAVE TWO WEEKS LEFT! ^.^<br />
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p.s. What kind of cats and snake do you have? :p

Aw sweety i want to hug you too i really do!! You not a failure in anyway i agree with all of the above you can do this put your mind to it sit down and draw up a plan and there are people looking for students all over whether its flipping burgers for a while and if that's what you have to do then do it no job is beneath anyone its an ends to a means and if its what you have to do then do it. We have all had failures and honestly where you are now i've been there so many times its scary in fact i was there just recently and I'm still scrambling to get out of it - you can do this i know you can. i'm serious write it on paper because it always looks better its a bit daunting but start with one thing at a time and work your way through it soon you'll have a plan!! You know there's was a girl i studied with and i loved her to bits and her parents refused to pay for her education she put herself through high school and college and med school she held at one stage nearly three jobs and they were delivering pizza's and she worked at McDonald's and i think she was even the cleaner of lecture halls at some point i held so much respect for her because she was doing it alone she refused to turn out like her parents and was like the most determined person i have ever known i respected her so much because i knew it was hard and it wasn't as simple as what most people have i'm telling you this because just reading some of your stories i can see a bit of her in you i really can!! Take a step back take a really deep breath and start setting those goals work on the most important brainstorm idea and come up with plans!! As for the rest of it you do have friends right here we've all got you!! and as for Jamie he is with you and he does love and that is like the only thing you need to know he believes in you may not understand it but it makes sense to him!

We can be friends!!!!! :-) and not all jobs require a GED high school students have jobs... its gonna suck but you'll have to start with a lower job and get money and save pay off your man's mom take the bus until you raise enough for a car and get the cheapest insurance or you can go to an adult continuation school and get your GED. Don't put yourself and be negative!! Instead of being there like that you could be job searching... get up girl!! There are many people in this world who have it worse than you. So get up and start getting to business. Your biggest obstacle is YOU!!!! if you feel that your living off your man than change it!! I'm sorry your mom doesn't help you... but I am very independent because I worked hard for it didn't want to have to depend on anyone that way if it doesn't work between me and my man I'll still be financially stable. I ain't saying its easy but you can do it!! Check the pennysaver dress in business attire and ask for applications apply at a staffing agency where they help you look for a place to work. When you get a job there you start off as temporary and if the company likes you they hire you as an employee for them. I know this because I've been through it all... I've been working full time since I was 16 and I'm 24 full time job and finishing up nursing school. So start building a resume girl!! You can do it!!! Prove everyone wrong....... PROVE YOURSELF WRONG!!! <br />
SEPMER FI

I NEED TO HUG YOU. since i cant im sending you an over internet hug :)<br />
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Now your entire paragraph about your mom work and the computer is exactly like mine. Her and i actually had a falling out today i was hyper ventialting and crying because i held it in for soooo long, i understand. And to be honest today i wanted to call someone to comfort me i couldnt think of anyone i could share it with. i haven bestfriends but i just dont want to pile on them i guess. And this whole being good enough thing i completely can empathize with you, because i feel it everyday and i keep trying to do things to be "worthy" of eric. <br />
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The only problem with that is, thats not what a relationship is about your not suppose to try and match them. Yes you need to be your own individual before you can be in a healthy strong relationship but that doesnt entail drilling yourself to the ground with negativity. Why did james fall inlove with you? ask that question. You and i have talked about the things he has helped you overcome, dont let it consume you again. He loves you, okay you dont have a job but the only day you become a true failure is when you stop trying to be the kind of person that you know you can be. <br />
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As for your mom, i know when things get rough you want to be able to run to a friend or to family for support not to a therapist, thats the idealistic way, but REALISTICALLY it is not possible at this moment, seeing a therapist is better than bottling it up and one day letting it all come rushing out in a very horrible way. I really do feel for you because it happens to me everyday, some days i just plug my ears and walk away or put my headphones on super loud, others every word cuts like a knife, just set a goal.<br />
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I know you said you applied everywhere possible, did you try a follow up? Maybe applying again. I mean the second you let the words of people that mean no good just harm effect you, your giving up and your letting go of your future with james. It might take longer to get to the finish line but the point is you need to stay strong and keep heading there. Your are enough, you are needed. Just remember that, and if you ever need to talk inbox me kay :) hope you feel better xo