This is crazy, but a couple girlfriends and I pretty much started this group like 6 years ago!!!

It's crazy to see how far the group has come. Too bad it wasn't a stock, because I definitely could've invested and got some money off this thing -_-. Anywho, soooooo well a little background on me. I made a lot of good girlfriends on here, moved out to Camp Lejeune aka Jay Vegas and met NONE of them haha. I did make friends out in Camp Lejeune, but marine wives are crazy as sh***. Seriously, and this is not to talk down on any of you reading this, but a lot of them have no ambition and are out of their dag gone cotton picking mind lol (I've seen all the cheating, the pulling a gun on your husband, etc, etc.). It's sad, I thought marine wives were going to be this tribe of Spartan women, and for the most part I think I was pretty disappointed in the quality of women I saw the dress blues attract. This is not to say that I didn't meet some AMAZING women, because I really did, but I guess I was expecting to be surrounded by these fiercely independent amazonian princesses and was kind of like whomp whomp with my experience but such is life lol. Again, that was MY experience but I think most of the strongest women I met were actually on this site, so I hope what I'm saying doesn't come off wrong but I wish someone would've told me that.

My husband got out of the Marines a couple months back. He did a couple tours in Afghanistan, and I was with him since we were 17 so I got to experience all the fun stuff (this includes boot camp, field ops, green weenies, deployments, post deployment life, ptsd oh my).

Something I feel like I need to say, because I wish someone would've said it to me, is expect your partner to change and give them the room to do it. We went through such a hard time in our marriage post deployment and I know sometimes PTSD is romanticized in that, "yeah my husband is a badass he earned PTSD" but yeah its not that awesome when you're dealing with someone who ends up in AA or has all these angry emotions they cannot control. Heck, I've had it told to me that if you weren't a grunt you can't have PTSD (rolls eyes). Don't believe the lies of the whole "pog vs grunt" mentality. All marines are riflemen and when going into battle the enemy doesn't just shoot at the grunts. I've experienced and lived through it and almost lost my marriage and the love of my life to it. When your husband/boyfriend/fiance leaves and goes to war, he will come back changed, regardless if he shot a gun, got blown up, lost a friend or whatever. War, just in itself changes people and believe it or not even when he's gone over there it will change you too.

I really have so much love for the marine corps culture, its f-ed up sometimes and its weird, but I think its safe to say once a marine wife, always a marine wife lol. If any of you have any questions about boot camp, deployments, or anything of that nature I'm here for you. It is nice to have a group you can go to and vent about the Sgt Major's craziness or whatever else is bugging you.
NatATTACK NatATTACK
22-25
4 Responses Aug 24, 2014

You're so spot on... Once they deploy, it not only changes them but it changes you. Sadly, this destroyed my relationship with my Marine.
There are days that I miss him so... I miss what we had.
I was in a serious car accident while he was deployed and he left me right after I got out of the hospital. I was in for 3 weeks.
We both have our own Traumas to deal with, but it's so important that each SO realizes what they are up against.
Maybe we weren't meant to be, but being a Marine Corps GF/WIFE etc is tough.

Thanks

I have never posted anything on here. I occasionally have read some things to help me realize that I'm not crazy and not the only one going through all of this. This post has really resonated with me because right now, we are going through the most difficult part of our relationship, or lack thereof, and somehow this gives me hope. It may be false hope, but it's hope.

My Marine and I have been together since we were 16. He got back from his first tour from Afghanistan in early March of this year. For a long time, he didn't talk about it, and wouldn't admit that he was different, but I knew that he had changed. Hell, I had changed. I realized that I wasn't 100% ready to take the plunge to get engaged like we had always talked about. Part of me felt/ feels like we barely know each other, and that frightened me. Without a doubt, dealing with PTSD didn't make things any easier. He would push me away, and I would push back. Sometimes I would question if this was all worth it. It also doesn't help that he is quickly coming up on leaving the Corps and he has no idea what he's going to do with his life. I can understand this since one minute you're being told when you can eat and the next you realize that you finally have to make decisions for himself. It has started to create a lot of feelings of confusion and being lost in life for him, and it's created a huge rift between us. Ultimately, he's realized that he has a lot of internal work to do because he is so scared, overwhelmed, lost, etc. of who he's going to be after he leaves the Corps. He's even lost his sense of happiness, and you can't make someone happy that doesn't know how to be happy.

Through all of this, he's realized that he needs time to find himself, and unfortunately has realized that he can't be a good partner to me, to us. We ended things after 7 years a few days ago, and not because we want to, but because we both need this. And it was the most painful goodbye I've ever experienced in my life. Saying goodbye to someone that you don't want to leave, but know that you need to so that you can stop emotionally hurting them and yourself is an awful feeling. We've decided to give each other some space and time, and god I can only hope that we can try this again in a few months because I don't this to be over.

I guess I'm writing this because you mentioned that you nearly lost you marriage because you're right, war changes everyone and we weren't prepared for it. I wasn't ready for it, and neither was he, and I'm scared that we won't find our way back to each other. But what you've done for me is give me hope. And I just want to thank you.

Aw dgarciat, im so sorry to hear what you are going through. Whether you both want to keep the titles of boyfriend or girlfriend doesn't change the fact that what you had is real. I remember getting a letter from my husband when he was deployed and it said "I dont know what the future holds but I know I will remember these feelings for a lifetime". And as slow as that man can be lol, those words really spoke to me. The future is a mystery, and sometimes in relationships you have to just thank your partner for the experience of love whatever may come. I will say that as someone who is close to him I'd still try and be there for him in some way, dont just stop talking. I'm not sure of all the factors in your relationship, but one thing I definitely did wrong is just be too demanding and had these crazy expectations of how he was supposed to act. For example, he picked up smoking overseas and I thought it was horrible, I would be on his case 24/7 and that would form so many bigger arguments. Instead of being understanding that these guys are freaking stressed out and this was a way of coping. Do you mind sharing more of your story? Talking about this stuff is therapy girlfriend

I don't even know where to begin!

Even before Pat left for Afghanistan, he had evolved as a person. He often questioned his decision to join the corps, and it started to make him a very unhappy person; he stopped caring about a lot of things, and he started to lose touch with his close friends from home, in fact he said that home stopped feeling like home to him. The only thing that he was hanging onto was our relationship, it's what he said kept him coming home. For me, it was an overwhelming feeling to know that I was the only person/thing that kept him going. Before he left for his first tour in August of 2013, we talked about getting engaged and thought we were ready to take that step, it seemed like it was the right thing to do.

But I have to admit, I wasn't ready for how the deployment would change me; I didn't realize beforehand that it's going to have such an impact on me, and I didn't think 7 months could feel so long or make me change so much. I knew I wasn't ready to get engaged. Of course, it was a hard conversation to have, and it both hurt and shocked him. He said that soon after I told him that I wasn't ready that he started to question a lot of things about his life, about whether he was doing things because he wanted to or because he felt like he should. The PTSD only made things worse between us because, very similar to your husband, he had become a distant, callous person. It was tough for us to carry on conversations. And truthfully, sometimes it almost felt like a chore, something that I had to do instead of something that I wanted to do. I felt like I was in a relationship by myself. On the very rare occasion, he would be the complete opposite and it felt like he was clinging to my every word, which I'm not sure I preferred because it was such an extreme that it didn't feel real. We argued an overwhelming amount over things that didn't even matter. And soon I started to question all too often whether or not I could do this, if we were meant to be together, if he truly wanted to be with me, etc. It wasn't exactly perfect timing since we had already planned for me to visit Labor Day weekend. I almost didn't fly out there. We couldn't even hold a conversation without him getting angry and he just couldn't or didn't know how to say everything that he needed or wanted to say. It's tough to have a real conversation on the phone; you can't see the emotion in the person's eyes. The weeks leading up to me flying out there were painful and slow, as we didn't speak much.

I did fly out there. The conversation we had was hard to stomach. He admits that he doesn't know what he needs, or wants and he's afraid to come home because he doesn't want to just continue to just go through the motions and live his life a miserable human being. And I don't want that for him.

Similar to what your husband said to you, my boyfriend doesn't know what the future holds for us. And this is all so fresh that I just don't know what my course of action will be. I know I said that I'm not talking to him, and I told him that I wouldn't talk to him because this is essentially what he asked for. But after your response, I'm even more confused than ever. All the advice I've gotten from people who have had normal civilian relationships has been the same -- you do you, take care of yourself and protect yourself. But my heart and gut are telling me that this is not the same, and that I can't abandon him.

Hey sorry for the late reply didnt see your message. Ok so couple questions, why did you feel you werent ready to get married? From an objective 3rd party reading your story it sounds like you started to shy away from him first. Like he started changing but the distance and time seemed to kind of make you reevaluate where yall stand. I can imagine from his perspective (since you were the reason he kept even coming home) you were like his one constant. Let me say this about the marines, 90% of all marines are *** holes. Its just the truth, they are the most mistreated branch, and screw all that sense of brotherhood a lot of the times these guys are stressed the f out. This in turn changes nice little 18 year olds that you mightve known since pre k into a mean freaking *** hole killing machine lol. The environment of the corps is not commensurate with someone blossoming into this beatiful knight in shining armor. Those romanticized ideas that your man is coming back from war as an "officer and gentleman" are not the real life I have seen. I am going to be kind of blunt with you, because I wish someone wouldve said this chit to me. Your relationship is not based on your feelings of "are you guys getting along, whose changed the most etc". Its evident sonce yall have been together since you were 16 that you guys definitely get along and you guys can grow up together. This part of your relagionship is called commitment and choosing. You and your man need to choose if hell and high water comes you guys are sticking it out. From what I read he's turning into a butt hole and you are sad about the changes and are turning away. Any relationship is going to have issues, you have to make that decision even when uou dont feel like loving that person that you two will get through it. When I was going through it with mine, I wanted to leave. Girlfriend, look at my posts from 2 years ago, I contacted divorce attorneys I was over it. But two years later, I am soooo glad we didnt do it. We have a beautiful marriage, and I really honestly think you and your boyfriend can make it through but both of you need to decide. You need to give him space to screw up, deal with his depression, but be there for him. And mind you, we were married when dealing with our mess so it does make it a little different when you are not actually there with him, but I would have a big talk with him. Personally, you might want to write it all in a letter and go see him in person. I would never break up over the phone, that just adds more distance. From what you told me, I really think you guys can work it out, he needs to seek counseling, therapy helped me and my husband tremendously and we still go once in a blue moon. It doesnt sound like either of you really want to leave each other so why are you?

That’s a loaded answer. I’m in no rush to get married, no rush to grow up in that sense, and certainly in no rush to do something because people expect me to. I don’t feel that marriage is necessary to show commitment, loyalty and love to one person. For me, marriage is just another social construct. Of course, I would be lying to you if I said that I don’t want to get married; I’ve dreamed about my wedding, the guests, the venue, etc., I just don’t see it as a necessity. But you’re right, I think I did start to shy away and reevaluate our relationship. It really did scare me to feel like I was the only thing that kept him happy. But I never thought of it as me being the only thing constant, and I wish I did because maybe we would be in a difference place right now. The way I see it now, I guess I was being selfish. I stopped thinking about the decision and commitment that I made to this person, to be there, to wait. I realize that now. I can thank you for that. It’s so easy to just walk away from something because it’s hard and it challenges you, and even though it’s only a week later since everything has happened, I realize that I don’t want to walk away and just let things go. It’s funny that you say that I should write him a letter and fly out to see him, because that’s exactly what I did last week. I flew out there for my birthday so that we could try to figure things out in person, and the only way I knew how to start the conversation was to write him a letter. Now, I think there’s a few things I would have said differently, but that’s only because I see things differently now. I want to thank you for all of your advice. It has gotten me to really understand where my relationship stands, and where I want it to stand, and that just because things seem so dark, it doesn’t mean that they’re over. What you’ve given me is real hope after all.

Also wanted to tell you 21-23 years of age was our hardest year too. Most married young couples get divorced at 25 because its harder when you are younger, you two grew up together(which has its pros and cons). Staying in love or in a marriage is hard and sometimes you feel there is nothing but you just make the choice to work through it not because you feel glittery and butterflies but because you two are dedicated to making it work. I know you arrnt married yet, but the same might be said for your relationship. The space is fine, but you two will need to make the choice if you want to be committed to getting through the rough times together.

2 More Responses

Just wanted to say thanks for this group !!

Haha, no problem MochaChocolatte! I'm so glad so many girls are using it now. It's awesome to have a sense of community.

Are you still with your Marine?

Sorry... Didn't read all the way through

No problèm. Yeah married with a dog lol.