Few Weeks Later

Hi ladies,

So last time I wrote I was looking for advice on what to do to support my marine even though we are broken up. Well you are really helped me out and I really appreciated that for sure. These past two weeks have been the hardest weeks of my life. I've never cried more in my life and had zero motivation to do anything. I finally decided to start reading up on marine everything. I can't expect that we're going to get back together but I hope we do and at least if we do get back together then he can't tell me I don't know what I'm getting myself into again.

About a week after we broke up he started talking to me again and it was really hard. I didn't know what to say and when I asked questions I got one word answers. It was always so frustrating to talk to him cuz I asked questions and the conversation was so one sided. So I kind of broke last night. I was getting sick of him giving me one word answers so I asked if he didn't enjoy talking to me and he told me he did and was like what do you want me to say. I told him anything like before would be nice but if he wasn't interested in talking then i'd stop trying. which wasn't true at all but I was just so sick of constantly pushing and not getting anything back. So he was like fine and signed offline. So I text him and told him I was sorry and that I miss him talking to me so much and I was getting frustrating feeling like he didn't care anymore.

So I figured he wouldn't talk to me the rest of the day, I was happy when he proved me wrong a half hour later and got back on-line. He told he he couldn't read my mind and I told him I didn't expect him to. I also told him I didn't know what was ok to say because I didn't want him upset that I was upset. I knew he made the decision he did because he needed to. He then told me that he woke up from a dream about us and he cried about it and that we weren't going to just be able to walk away from the feelings we have. I told him that I go to sleep and wake up crying most nights and that I don't like walking away from something that feels so right and that i can't stop caring for and loving him.

 He told he that I didn't need to worry about what I said affecting him. To which I told him that was impossible because I love him to much to let myself say something that would hurt him even if I really felt like I needed to say it. I also said i knew he had a lot on his plate some things exciting but most stressful and scary and my job isn't to add to all of that but to be there to help him with it and he said he understood. So I told him that I had been looking up marine stuff for a bunch of reasons but because it would help me understand him better. and the other thing I kept thinking about was that when I get back from India that I won't be able to lay with him and be there for him with all the fear and anxiety that he'll be having about MCT or OCS which ever he ends up going to. His responds was I'd really like if you did that. the rest of the conversation was random and ended because he needed to go to bed and I needed to go to class. But god to know that it meant something to him for me to want to be there for him made me really happy. It made me realize how hard this was for him. I

mean I knew it was hard for him but he never would say it so sometimes I felt like maybe he was ok and didn't need me, which would make me feel even sadder and cry even harder. I find myself re-reading that conversation about ever 5 or 6 hours because it made me feel really good. I did most of the talking as usual but he gave responses that said what I needed him to say. It was all thing I had already known he felt I just needed him to say them. I really needed to tell him everything I'd been feeling for two weeks too and I finally got to. I think he is beginning to understand how serious I take his situation and how even with that I want to be there with him. I really love this silly boy and I think your all right that he's freaking out and once he realizes I'm really not going anywhere he'll be back.

Hope your all well and safe

chiquitito chiquitito
22-25, F
Feb 20, 2010