Mixed Emotions..

I'm starting to get really frustrated with myself. I feel like I keep having mood swings about what it is I want with Kieth. I know i love him, but it scares me.The future scares me. I keep letting past relationships freak me out about this one. and I'll start thinking how could this possibly work out?

But then I'll get a letter from him and I know there's no way I can give this up and not take the risk. He graduates from bootcamp in a month, so not much longer untill I get to see him. I know I'll be able to know what I should do then. He has my heart. I'm not interested in other boys at all. just him. I'm just nervous about everything. and wish that I could stop overthinking :/

The last letter he sent me was really cute. We've been through a lot of ups and downs, and I think that's why i'm nervous, but in the letter he told me how much he realized he had taken for granted. Like his parents, he never realized just how much they do for him and care about him. He said he also realized just how much I mean to him. And that when he gets back he wants to be better for me than he was before. I can't help but smile whenever I think about that. ha. Maybe it is silly to be worrying, but it just seems like almost every couple at my school seems to think they'll make it out of high school, when really chances are majority won't. I'm scared to think about it. I'm trying to just live each day and not think to much on the future, but just the present. But some days are just a lot harder than others.

Well I hope all you girls are doing good.

00allison00 00allison00
18-21, F
4 Responses Mar 5, 2010

Thanks girls :]<br />
I realize I do have to make the decision on if this is what I really want. I think it is, I just never thought I would end up in this situation. i've heard of couples before goin through this and I always thought how do they do it? and now i'm going through it. ha. I would never have made it even this far if I didnt truly care about and love Kieth. To me love is being able to still be your own person. Being able to have your own life without them, but not willing to give them up. I have that with him. I've just always been brought up on that young love never works out. And even though my mom has stopped saying negative stuff about my relationship with Kieth, sometimes i still think about what she said and it will put me in an awful mood. <br />
I really think seeing him next month will be a deciding factor. When I think about it though, I feel like everything will work out. and you guys were right I do have my doubts sometimes. not on my feelings for him, but on how things could work out. It's just something I need to overcome and decide if it's worth the risk. <br />
A lot of my friends have bf's right now too. So i feel like I have way too much alone time, where I end up overthinking. I just wish i could turn off my brain some days ha.<br />
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But thanks again for your help.

I agree with Caitlin. This life isnt for everyone. After boot it gets harder. You definitely have to really think about what you want. The Marine Corps does not and will not take your feelings into consideration when it comes to demanding your guy work insane hours or when they deploy him.<br />
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My husband is currently deployed and it sucks and its hard. I havent heard his voice since he got to Afghanistan, I havent gotten a letter because even if the mail gets out of the country quickly its still going to take at least a couple weeks to get to me (if I am lucky) and I dont know when he'll even have the time to write. But I've been really lucky and I have gotten several quick emails and a couple 2 am instant messaging conversations that only last a short time. Yes, I have moments where I wonder "What the hell did I get myself into?" But all I have to do is think about how my husband makes me feel, how his touch feels and how I long to fall asleep next to him at night again and I know that this is worth it.

idk i personally think you have a lot of soul searching to do. bc your having doubts about your own relationship. your doubting yourself [[as of one of the other posts you had posted]] and thats not gunna be a good foundation. so really ask yourself how commited are you to him and to the MC? how bad do you wanna be with him? honestly i love christopher with all my heart yeah somedays its like what did i get myself into, and then i picture life without him and to me that isnt a life. id rather deal with the bullshit and the back to back deployments and this one being 13 months and him switching to recon...i will put up with allll that **** bc at the end of the day i have the man i love, and he loves me and can treat me better than ive ever been treated and hes half a world away...<br />
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you need to make a decision if this life style is for you....bc it might not be...its not for most. yes you feel good when he talks to you...well when he deploys [[and he will deploy]] there isnt communication like that and boot camp you wait what a week for a letter? ive gotten letters from i raq and afghan all post dated a month b4 i got it... it was the best thing ever but waiting and being patient and being "alone" or lonely is the name of the game...we trade going to bed next to them every night and eating dinner with them and holding hands and all that for those small moments of joy like a phone call or email from the middle east or a letter or a homecomming. its your decision...

Just take a deep breathe and slow down. dont't give up something you love girl. Just be strong you only have one more month, that is so exciting! and the mixed emotions I think everyone starts to get those when they are gone for so long.. well not everyone but I no ryan is the one for me and i no i want to be with ryan but he is holding back and its bc he is scared that he will have to tell his wife bye "if we get married" and he even has enough leave to come home for spring break but guess what... not happening he told his bestfriend it is because he can't stand saying goodbye again he is just now starting to accept it.. sorry im rambling now haha. but anyways just keep your chin up and if you love him never ever give up.