Day 2 Of The First Deployment, 363 To Go

Hey everybody. I am the girlfriend of  Marine, we've been together for only 7 months but this is his second tour and 6th year of service. I am strugling with his emotional disconnect on his deployment. He blantantly told me that he didn't love me after I told him. I have been with him through his divorce and still he manages to look right over me. He removed his relationship status from online and deleted a picture of us. I feel hidden. I have scarificed everything for him, even his om has given me advice to just sit back and let him come to me. However, I am emotionally exhausted and sometimes have lost all hope. Now that communication is even more scarce I worry and have a lot of anxiety. He dropped hints about our future saying "I heart you" or "I almost love you", he even talked about us moving intogether when he gets back and possibly talking about engagement. Yet he is emotionally disconnected from me and doesn't love me. Am I just wasting my time? Should I still stick around in not knowing what he really wants? I just need a little bit of advice, maybe some direction. I love him more than anything and he still talks to me while he is overseas. I just hope someone out there can hear me out and help.

 

Meghan

Runin4rmfate Runin4rmfate
26-30, F
29 Responses Mar 12, 2010

Thanks! We're still going to stay strong I know it! When yours starts feels free to chat!

lol and i want to freak out all the time pretty much! my deployment starts soon :( good luck girly!

Thanks :)

glad stuff is figured out and good for the most part :)

I believe things are figured out for the most part now. We just have to keep up the good trend. Even though I get upset and anxious and want to freak out sometimes. I still want nothing more than to prove everyone wrong and show that he is a good person and we can make it.

Well I am glad that you two got things figured out.

He only took down one pic of us, not all of them. I don't mean to have him terrorized, he has never had a history of lying to me. All I have is his word to go on.

Ya I still dont know what I think of that excuse. He can claim you as his girl and just put his profile on private. They suggest making triple sure everything on social networks is set to private because the terrorists have access to computers too. My husband still has my pictures up but they can only be seen by people that are on his friends list.

Well he said it makes him more comfortable knowing that all of his business isn't out there in a foreign country. I think that is reasonable. I am still staying hopeful though and gonna try to keep moving with this.

I hope today is a good day and things work. However the protection line is 100% bull. I'm glad the convo went well and hopefully things look up from here

And that's exactly what I would have done too. He responded to me today and said the profile stuff was just to protect himself and personal information. He assured me he was not hiding me and that it was just a protection thing. I have more hope now, but I am still going to see how things play out. He has been messaging me more and I'm glad it was a calm, peaceful conversation when I asked him straightforward. I am just going to continue to pray and stay optimistic. I want today to be a good day!

I worry that even though you see yourself as in a relationship that he doesnt. You did say he changed his status. I worry that he feels he's free to do what he wants while stringing you along. I really do think that if he doesnt give you a straight answer and not keep your relationship a secret that you need to walk away and let him realize what he's losing.

It's ok I completely appreciate your honesty. Do you believe that he just wants me to go away, why would he want to be free over there? He can't do anything. I mean unless he wants a female marine because she is close by. He doesn't have a history of cheating and I would hope that because it has happened to him, he won't do it. I am doing things for me, I still continue on with my everyday life, I just find myself waiting to see what is going on with him more often now. I don't want to be a pawn, someone that is just here so when he comes home and is gone can cling to, then turn around and get rid of me. Do you really think this is for the worst and he is keeping me hidden from online things in order to be with someone else?

It is extremely classless! I explicitly expressed my discomfort and nervousness with the whole idea! I do not think he did something he wasn't supposed to, but I do feel disrespected. I think I put up with entirely too much. I don't feel as though I am being treated fairly. However, I cannot make the right choice or move forward until I have a response from my previous message to him. It's only been 7 months, but I want to see this thrive and go until we're old. I just want the same feelings back that I have for him. I keep praying and hoping that one day I will get them. And if he decides that he is out of this relationship, I will have to accept it and move on. It will literally break my heart. I know I'm a good thing, I just wish he would keep me long enough to continually see that.

I feel like your message was good. I wouldn't EVER do this for a guy that wasn't treating me fairly because if we're being honest, this is hard as hell. I'm on day 81 and still have struggles trying to be normal for public haha I mean I just know that what keeps me going is how he treats me. I really do hope your guy can realize this or just have the balls to say he's outa the relationship. I don't want it to be over for your sake by any means!! But I do know what its like to be mistreated, hello my ex of 4 years. <br />
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I hope things work.. BUT I do have to say, staying in a room with another girl would have forced me to walk away. It's not right and very classless. It's being insensitive to you and looks really bad seems how he's supposed to be in a relationship with you. Again I do hope something changes for your sake

I think he knows it, he is just not accepting of it yet possibly. I am thinking that maybe he isn't reday for this type of commitment, maybe he needs some more light. I am not here for fun and games I'm getting older and coming to the very end of my college career (thankfully!) I will have a respectable job and even now I have two jobs and full time nursing. In my message I think I made myself pretty clear and was reasonable. I hope he thinks the same thing too. He is so overwhelmed by fear that he isn't opening up to me and giving me the time of day right now it seems. I just hope he resopnds positively to my last message.

Since his ex cheated while he was deployed that might explain his behavior more. I think he's afraid of the same thing happening again and so instead of being hurt that way again, he is pushing you away. But he needs to realize your not his ex. He needs to know that your not that kind of woman and it may take some reminding. But he does need to make up his mind and decide if he's going to take the risk of being hurt. Hopefully he'll give you the chance to show him that your not the cheating type.

Below is the message I sent him to hope he hears me:<br />
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I've been doing some thinking, and I'm really not blowing this out of proportion. I just really feel that something is going on. Before you left you stayed in the same room with a girl and I asked you not to. Now, deliberately there was a picture of us kissing that came down and your relationship status. That is reason enough to give any girlfriend to worry, you're in another country. If you're not hiding me and we are together I need you to show it just like I do. I am really wanting to know about the picture still, any of the other ones could have come down like with your ex, but it was ours. Like it's just really unsettling and really hurts my feelings. Don't take this the wrong way but I need you to understand how I am dealing with this while you're away and that you and I are for real. I don't want to feel hidden or unknown. Please just communicate with me.<br />
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Meghan

I have once more allotted my time to continually figuring this puzzle out. If he fights with me about putting the status up, then I will remove myself from him. I don't think that it's fair. I am trying to be as civil as possible about this and I just keep getting ignored almost. He will write my messages but it's not enough for me right now, me feeling like I am not good enough for him is weighing on everything else. I wrote his mom a message basically pleading my case and wanting her to hear my cries. She said to back off and give him all this space and only let him focus on his job, let him come around when he wants to. And that because he is previously divorced, his last deployment facilitated its downfall. However, he left she cheated, end of story there. I have never given him a reason to doubt or worry nor have I been unfaithful. I am almost begging Drew to get it together and please help me out with this. I told him in one message that I was staying strong and optimistic and hoped that we could work out. I also told him about joining this site. he didn't respond to any of it. I find myself coming to tears just thinking about how if I turned around right now and said ok you come to me, he wouldn't come. He just isn't the type of person to chase or show any kind of public affections. I am hoping to here something soon. He left from Germany today for Afghanistan. I really just have an unsettling feeling that someone else could be in the picture, and because he was once cheated on, he may do it himself.

Like Leah my husband is deployed and he in no way pushed me away. I understand that fear causes people to react differently but I just dont think what your guy is doing is at all fair to you. Either your together or your not. I really hope he gets his act together and realizes that he could lose something special if he doesnt start treating you right.

Ok so first my name is Leah and Justin is my boyfriend.. he's deployed currently to afghan and it's actually made us stronger. He hasn't pushed away while being deployed at all, but he did when he was stateside after about 3 months of dating. Even in his "pushing away" phase, he never removed pictures or his relationship status. I feel like your boyfriend is not being fair and if you feel hidden, maybe he wants it that way for a reason? I mean I only know what this story says, but I do know its completely unacceptable to be hidden. I think you deserve to feel secure and safe, not insecure and uncomfortable. I'd try to talk to him and if it doesn't change, idk that its that worth it. These distant relationships take effort on both parts!! It can't be just one person making all the effort. Goodluck dear and keep us posted!

Yeah, today I finally wrote him back and said I feel hidden. I asked him to put up the relationship status again and asked if we were still together. I just feel so insecure and I am not really comfortable right now. Between full time nursing school with a minor and two jobs it's really hard. I'm afraid he is stuck in a get over mentality and pushing me away because it's easier. I don't want to be his door mat. I hope something changes or comes through!

I dont know if I agree with what the other girls have said. If he hadnt gone out of his way to take down a picture of the two of you and change his status I could understand what they are saying but to me that just doesnt seem right. Yes deployment can freak people out but to the point where he denies that he's with you to everyone isnt right. Your either together or your not, it having to be a secret means there's something to hide and a relationship isnt something that should be hidden. To me it sounds like he's trying to keep his options open while keeping you on the back burner. You deserve better than that. He needs to make up his mind and you need to demand the respect you deserve. Your sitting around waiting for something that may never happen because he's being charming and thats not right.

Yeah, wait. he didnt even address why he took the pics down???

I am trying to wait and give him the time he needs in order to come to me, however I have asked him 3 times now why he has taken down a picture of us and the relationship status. These are the things why I lose hope, most of the time I feel like he couldn't care less. I swear it's like he only pays attention to whatever it is that he wants. I'm invisible.

hi im caitlin 19 chris is 20 and we are currently doing our second back to back deployment [[first one was in iraq it was 7 months and this one is 13 months an in afghan]] we have been officially together 14 months. we started the last one as "friends" i say it like that bc we basically were togeher and commited without the title. annnyyywhooo......i personally think you need to just tell him this. idk i am BIG on communication with chris and letting him know how i feel weather he likes it or not, too bad hes gunna hear it. so tell him its confusing to you to hear him not say i love you but talk about getting engaged and moving in together, bc honestly id be pissed and be like stop ******* toying with me! bc it hurts to have someone treat you like that.....i had my heartache and i got treated like **** and i learned what i will and wont take from someone...and being emotionally messed with i wont take. make him understand you dont want him to say 'i love you' if he doesnt mean it but to cut saying other things about your future...hes skipping steps in a relationship and changing his relationship and taking down pics??? how old are we now??? ****** 10?? i firmly believe every single woman deserves to be treated like a princess and hes treating you like the redheaded step child!!! not fair and not right!!! idk i know im being blunt and thats just me so i didnt say any of this to seem like a ***** but you need to hear it...<br />
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just follow your heart and deff your gut on this. dont let yourself get played but write him a letter or email or however you can talk to him. and just get it out otherwise he wont know he cant read minds just like you cant read his mind.... :)<br />
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if you ever need to talk im here feel free to message me

I want nothing more than to be with him. His talk of moving in together and possible engagement when he comes home just lights up my life. So the first time I can honestly say that I am in love. He brightens up my day and he has taught me so much. It just pains me that he has not said it, but he is worth it and just needs to take his own time. I just shy away from knowing that sometimes I think. He is worth more than he knows to me, I just wish that sometimes he did not look past me. I would give anything for him to have feelings for me like I have for him. I just hope that this is a case of not sure how to interpret his feelings and maybe scared of his painful past. All I know how to do is prove that I am here for him and here to support him. Thanks for all the support guys. I need as much as I can. You guys showed up just in time too, I was feeling sad and just going through our saved messages and pictures. I'll keep posted as events happen!

Hey, I am Sarah, I have only been with my guy for about 4 months. When we started talking he was in Iraq and it began via email and phone calls (we were childhood friends/sweethearts Im talking at age 13)... Then he came home on R & R and we spent two weeks together but he had to go back... Needless to say, after only 2 weeks we never jumped into saying I love you to each other. In fact we never nailed down exactly what level of commitment we were on. We just knew we cared about each other and that we want to give this a shot when he gets home. So I can completely identify with the insecure and unsure feelings. I am now secure in how he feels, bc he tells me he misses me and calls me about once a week and we write each other... But I was very insecure at first.<br />
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I think that every guy is different, so you just need to go with your heart. When you make the decision to wait for a guy, it means they must be worth it. And that means that even if they come home and break up with you and dont want commitment anymore, that they were still worth the effort. The reward has to equal the risk. So, if he is what you want and you are sure of it, then you need to stay strong and be patient, like Elizabeth said. You got this. And we are here.

I love your screen name because I have been there too. It is not as great place to be so I feel for you there. Reading your post , I could feel the love your have for your boyfriend. If he didn't want to talk to you he is a man and he wouldn't talk to you so that is a good start. Also, you can't just shut your feelings off but while you are waiting life does continue to go on here back in the USA. Focus on things that make you happy. . . spend time with your friends, go out and have fun with them, take a class, learn to cook his favorite foods, learn a new language, take a dance class, or whatever you are interested in. When he calls talk to him and tell him how much you love him. If you make him feel caged in then most guys are going to run. If nothing else happens you will have some great new skills to show him when he returns. Good luck. . . I look forward to reading your update story.

Hey I really appreciate it. I am just so scared that he may not really love me and never gonna say it. I asked him once if he was ever going to say it and he said yes. I just hope that him and I can even make it through this. Things are fine and have been since before he left, I just don't want to lose faith!