Dont Know What My Deal Is Lately

Ok, So I know I have been posting a lot lately.  I really dont know what my deal is... The last 3 days have been so hard.  I was doing so well, and I still am.  I am not letting it seize me up into a hole and wallowing in depression, I am still working out and keeping busy and everything that everyone advises me to do.  I just miss him so much.  I just start crying at random moments.  Like today, just walking around in New Orleans, saw the St. Patty's parade and all I could think about was him and his lil red headed self.  I just started crying right there on the street. 

Then tonight I went to go see a movie, alone... I saw Remember Me (great movie by the way).  The whole time, I saw couples and just thought how Tyler WOULD NEVER take me to see that movie.  LOL.  Chick flick, no way.  He would have made me see something with explosions and high speed chases.  And I would have been happier seeing a stupid movie and being with him.  I havent heard from him since last Sunday.  Which is normal, I get a call about once a week.  But I just cannot get over how much I miss him.  I keep thinking if i could just have 5 minutes.  5.  Dont get me wrong, I want him forever, but right now 5 minutes would be the most amazing gift in the world.  Just to look into his eyes and I would start crying and hugging him... and he would hug me too, tell me to stop the waterworks, he would mess with me about how uber emotional I was being and telling me to just relax.  He isnt one for super emotional crying moments.... He would joke with me, and make me laugh bc thats what he does.  I would kiss his neck and smell him.  Yes, I would SMELL him.  I miss his smell.  I would just put my cheek up to his and just let the skin touch.  I would curl up in his lap and let him put his big arms around me.  We wouldnt talk much, just be in the moment.  In fact its very much like the last night before he left.  Man, I miss him. 

Sorry for writing so much lately, I just dont know where else to get this out or who else to talk to about it.  No one understands.  They just say, he'll be home in a few months, or "why dont you go out and have a drink and get your mind off it..." Yeah, like drinking makes it any better.. The truth of it is, there is no answer to this pain.  Its just the way it is.  But, Id rather hurt than feel nothing.  I just want 5 minutes.

sittingwaitinwishin sittingwaitinwishin
22-25, F
9 Responses Mar 13, 2010

Thats what keeps us going :) Thanks girl!

Thats so funny that you say that about lighting up when he is around bc my friends say the same thing. Two weeks ago I got a phone call from Paul during lunch w my girlfriends, of course they udnerstood when I went and took the call. When I came back, I was just smiling bc it was one of those convos, only 5 mins but he says everything you need to hear and your heart just melts. I was beaming and glowing when I walked back in and one of my GF's said, "Sarah, you are so beautiful when you are in love...." I was like "Brittany, girl, the love thing, we havent gotten there yet", she was like, "YES YOU HAVE. I can see it all over your face, Ive never seen you like this before!!!" So cute. I am definitely a priority in his communication, infact I think he talks to me the most. Not that that matters. He talks to me, his mother and his father. Thats pretty much it. And he usually calls us all three the same day. But he emails me too, and chats with me on FB if he gets 10 mins, which isnt often anymore :( So I know he thinks about me. Honestly, I know we are fine, I just get insecure, and worry that he will come home and totally go the other direction... But thats the risk we take. Man... I sure have missed him so much since Friday. Wishing It would fade a lil bit bc it is starting to exhaust me, plus my mom is here for the week, and she doesnt need to be dealing with a lil depressed daughter. LOL.

ohhh okay yeah i was like talking on the phone once a week this sounds like iraq...hahaha ohh how i mis iraq so much!!! hahaha afghan sucks major butt<br />
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and im not judging chris left for iraq and we were just "friends" but acted like a couple he didnt want ties at home...but our relationship grew we learned a lot about eachother...and i can honestly say iraq spoiled me ****** rotten!!!! hahaha i used to IM him almost every day like the last month and a half...and i learn i can go 3 months without a word from him....that was hard...but still you learn a lot when they are gone about them and yourself....<br />
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chris and i arent really lovey dovey when hes home hes more of an ******* but i think its funny we play fight call eachother names and yell at eachother in public just to see faces ppl make...lol he calls me trick and i call him ******* but when he is out there he deff gets more sentimental but chris and i have spent most of our relationship with him out in **** hole land and me here...which sux but its life lol...and dont rush the 'i love you' it will come with time :)

Lol. Yes, he is in Iraq. I dont get a call every single week, but on average I do. I am lucky. I really am and I am close with his fam, so if he only has time for one quick call he will tell them to tell me that he is safe. Or tell me to tell them... either way. <br />
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Actually we have been together for only 4 months now. We have been friends since childhood and started talking when he was in Iraq via facebook and then on the phone. He came home on R & R and we spent the 2 weeks attached at the hip. And he left again in January. We have a pretty challenging relationship bc we have never used the "L" word and its hard to keep building a relationship while he is gone. And the amount of time we have been together doesnt give a whole lot to hold on to. But its enough. Example though. I thought he would call today but instead he got on FB and chatted with me on there. He was in kinda a feisty mood and was joking with me about things and messing with me. He wasnt being very sweet or lovey dovey although, admittedly that isnt the dynamic of our relationship. We are very playful and even challenging with each other. But today I was super emotional and missed him like crazy these last few days and he was calm and cool and even distant. He did tell me he missed me when he got offline but that was pretty much the only sweet thing said. Granted, he was going out on a mission and just honestly he does get detatched sometimes, they all do, it seems like. But yeah, thats my story. I feel so greedy bc not only did I get to talk to him, but I know he is safe, but I left the conversation wanting more and feeling insecure when I shouldnt. Im ridiculous sometimes. Its just hard bc we dont just say "hey baby, I love you" . We havent gotten there. its hard.

okay first i completely understand but damn your lucky for getting a phone call EVERY WEEK... where is he?? is he in iraq?? <br />
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idk i had chris leavehis cologne so i can smell him always and idk i guess used to not talking to him mainly bc this is our second deployment and ive gone waaayyy longer than i do now so yeah i have my own thing to put it into perspective with....but jus think about home comming and all that it makes things seem less depressing...<br />
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and have you done the whoe deployment with his or just part bc i think i read you have only been together like 7 months or something....i think thats you

His deployment was a year. He has been there since June 2009. He got to come home in January for 2 weeks, but has been gone since January 19. He will be back stateside in June and then back in our home town in August. So it is only a few more months.

Dealing with deployment is hard. And this is somewhere where people actually know and understand what your dealing with. I've never been the emotional type but since my husband left I find myself almost in tears at the most random times. My heart hurts and that doesnt stop because I am out and about. I was grocery shopping recently and realized that was something my husband and I always did together and nearly lost it in the store. And honestly I think a lot of us can relate to the smelling your guy thing. I have one of my husbands work shirts that the musty/deodorant smell that never completely washes out of sitting on his half of the bed and some nights when I really miss him I roll over and smell his shirt before going to sleep.<br />
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And alcohol is a depressant so going out and getting wasted is likely to end up in tears.<br />
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And its ok to write your feelings here. I have been debating doing the same just because I have moments where I am so fed up with the deployment or feeling like my husband is going to forget about me over there because we have so little communication. I've sent two care packages and my husband hasnt even gotten the first one yet. Just little things can make a person crazy. I think right now I am most emotional because in about 2 weeks is my husband and my anniversary (our first) and we'll be spending it apart.<br />
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How long is your mans deployment? And how far into it are you?

i miss mine to i just talked to him he is not deployed yet but soon will be. i miss him so much and i know how you feel about talking to people that dont understand because people tell me the same things or they say i dont know how you do that. im eighteen and still young to most but a lot of my girlfriends are immature about things, they dont really understand what it is to love someone im still in high school i graduate this year and it has been rough for me i just want to lay with my guy and hear his heart beat and smell him too :) i miss the little things about him and sometimes when they add up cause the most pain because they are what we have to hold on to. remember that he loves you and would love five minutes with you just as much stay strong its ok to cry and have hard times thank you for being here for me and im here for you as well.

Only girls like us can crave those little details like smell! I was in that same position just a while ago -- I wished I could've had just five minutes with him too! Trust me, as soon as you get that next phone call, you'll feel better. He makes these sacrifices and most of the people we see everyday don't have to. I went to the theme park today with two couples. Believe me, I wasn't standing in line with the rides thinking how lucky I was that I didn't have my fiance there to hold me too. :(<br />
We haven't met yet, but I'm here for you (: My name's Michelle, I'm new and I am always getting those same feelings. Usually, I can put up with missing him and it numbs over time and after a while sometimes I even get used to it! But there are those times when the littlest things can make it all come crashing down. For you, i guess you could say it was the parade. It happens, but you just have to remind yourself that you've been dealing with this every other day and that somewhere out there, he's missing you too.