A Never Ending Story: The Battle No One Wins

My boyfriend of nearly 2 years is an opiate addict. I've known him since we were 13 years old, and back then he was simply a stoner. However, living with his mother and older brother, who are also addicts, contributed to his drug habit worsening throughout the years. By the time we were 15 years old and in Freshman year, he had developed an addiction to prescription pain killers, and by senior year he was a full on addict, taking everything from the pain killers to heroin and even benzodiazophines. Despite the addiction, I always had very strong feelings for him. He was always very brilliant, sociable, and when it came to me, he was very gentle and kind. We have many things in common, growing in broken homes consisting of substance, physical, verbal, and sexual abuse, as well as losing friends and family members that were very near to us in rather tragic manners. In 2009 after we graduated high school, I was convinced I would never see him again. About a year and a half later, just before Christmas of 2010, I was working at the Dollar Tree as a cashier, and to my surprise he walked in. We talked a bit and exchanged numbers, and about two weeks later we began dating. He had been clean since high school, out of rehab and searching for employment. Things went great for about 6 or 7 months. In July 2011 he was involved in a car accident that did a great deal of damage to his left leg and his right shoulder and collar bone. The doctor of course prescribed him narcotics, and that's when the relapse began. At first was small amounts of vicodine that he would take, which eventually led to snorting those as well as other prescriptions, and before long he was back on heroin again. I remember it all very clearly. The fear of not knowing if he was safe or even alive. He distanced himself from me for so long. Of course, he had his reasoning. He said the stress of court dates and possibility of jail time had pushed him over the edge. In December, weeks before his final court appearance, he admitted that he had pretended to be sober for that past month (November) which of course came as no surprise to me seeing how I'd been with him while he was using and grown used to the signs and symptoms. I was just so far in denial that I refused to believe anything was wrong without his confession. His parents forced him to completely detox at home days before his hearing, and sure enough, he was sent to jail for 30 days, and the judge issued that upon release, he was to attend NA meetings at least once a week on account of the marijuana in his system at the time of the accident itself. I saw him once a week until he was released and since he has been out, he has replaced his car, and found employment. He seems to be doing just fine, but I would be lying to myself and everyone else if I said that I believed that he has been sober since his release. I've went nights without phone calls which have left me worried sick.There have been times I have suspected him of using, but its never consistent. What I mean is, he will seem messed up for a day, maybe two, but then he will be fine for a couple weeks, maybe a month. It's strange. He is no longer required to attend his meetings, and he promises me that everything in his life is fine, other than his living arrangements with his mother constantly moving from one extreme to the next. She's either quite literally a zombie from abusing her prescriptions (120 perc 30s, 5 of the 3 day fentenyl patches, and 120 valium), or she's out of it all within the first 2 weeks of the month and is a complete monster to everyone because of the withdraw. I love him with all of my heart, and as much as I feel it may make my life easier to walk away and distance myself from the situation, I simply can't bring myself to do so. The way I look at it, I'm thankful for today. As of this very moment, even if it's just for tonight, he's sober and things are perfectly fine; But as the title to this chapter of my life entitles, tomorrow could be a completely different story. I guess it never gets any easier. I've just learned that the addiction is a part of him, active or not., it's who he is, and I've got to come to terms with that if I want to have him in my life. In the end, he is still a beautiful person, and I love who he is.
tabbiew09 tabbiew09
22-25, F
1 Response Sep 11, 2012

i guess you have to ask yourself a few questions.. what future do you have with him? would you be able to have and raise a good family with him being a drug abuser.. could there be a possibility you might end up being a drug abuser like him? how will you cope if he gets locked up for a long time?
so many questions i could sit here and write..
you just have to realise.. he will keep falling off the wagon and he will always have an excuse why he did.. but we all have issues and have bad things happen to us.. but we learn to deal with them a different way.. not go straight back to drugs cause we have a good excuse to use them again