I Am The Husband Of A Lesbian
Where to start...
When I was 14, I went to the movies with my best friend at the time. I can't remember what was playing, and it really doesn't matter. My friend and I were finding seats when I heard a female voice call out my name. I looked around and saw that it was my ex-girlfriend's sister. She had come to the theater with her best friend as well. She invited us to sit with them and share the snacks and drinks they had smuggled in.
After a while the first movie started, and we were having a good time. I was seated between the two girls. At some point, my ex's sister's friend grabbed my hand and had me drape my arm across her stomach. My ex's sister then had me do the same with my other arm. I was being pulled in two directions, but I was enjoying it.
After the movies (the theater always played double features at the time) I walked the girls back to the sister's house while my friend went home. We talked outside the house for a couple hours until my mom came and found me. She was upset since it was about 1AM or later. I promised to come back that next evening to talk some more (I was really enjoying the sister's friend's company).
I came back as promised, and let's just say that that evening was an experience like no other. Lost my virginity to the friend, and ended up with a girlfriend. I was more than stoked!
Fast forward almost 10 years...
We had had our share of disagreements, and we had broken up several times for short durations, but we always got back together. We knew we would be together forever.
We decided that we should get married, so that is what we did. She was a beautiful bride even though it was a courthouse wedding (we didn't have enough money, nor did our families, for a "traditional" wedding). Our oldest son and our oldest niece were our ring-bearers. My best man decided not to show since it was also his birthday and he hated the courthouse - too many times standing before a judge will do that to you, I guess. Well, that and being three sheets to the wind by 5PM...
By this time, we had had three children. We had our first quite young (I wasn't quite 16 yet when he was born), and we put our second one up for adoption (she came 14 months and one day later). Our youngest at the time was just shy of nine months old.
Fast forward about 9 more years...
We had a fourth child by now, one with special needs, and we lived as happily as we could be together. Then one day I was joking with my wife about her getting a girlfriend (it was a long-running joke and she said she wasn't interested in women) when she stated that she might just. This of course piqued my interest, so I talked with her more about it. She stated that she actually did have one online, and I noticed that when she spoke of her girlfriend, she had the same look on her face as she did when we were first in love. She didn't realize that she was quite in love with this girlfriend, but I could see it. After a short while she realized it and admitted that she felt she was bisexual. This started a big fight since she didn't talk with me about her girlfriend, she told another friend online instead a couple months before. I didn't mind that she had a girlfriend, just that she decided to let a friend know and kept it from me. This is where I can see, now, that our marriage started falling apart. She did tell me that in her high school years she fell for a girl who wasn't open to the idea. That girl told her friends and they and the girl started harassing my wife to the point of turning her off of women.
From that point on, our love life started quickly fading into nonexistence. At first there was a little fantasizing that I was a woman when I was going down on her, then it came to being that oral is all she wanted a lot of the time. Then I couldn't even do that with her. I got lucky to be able to be intimate with her once a month. She stated that she loved me but her sex drive had gone way down, and I could believe that due to her health issues (she had one ovary removed due to an excruciatingly painful cyst that grew on it), and she frequently had headaches and migraines since that surgery. Then one day I was joking with her and asked her, if a naked woman walked into the room, would she get in the mood. Her response was, "most likely."
Come forward to yesterday...
We had been arguing a few days prior, and we decided to sleep in different rooms. I wanted to talk the issues through that we were fighting over (one of which was the lack of intimate relations). The day before yesterday, she stated that she "would talk with me tomorrow." I said OK, and I went to bed.
Yesterday, I came home from work, thinking we would talk things out like we usually do (since I work and she doesn't, I expect her to take care of the house and make sure the kids do their share as well, and that wasn't being done). When we started to talk, I realized this wasn't going to be the same-old same-old.
She was reluctant to talk with me, but I could sense something deeper was wrong. I started asking "gut reaction" questions (not my gut reaction, but what were her gut reactions to certain questions I asked). When it came to whether she was interested in me sexually, she hesitated. Then she stated that she wasn't interested in men at all anymore. She had been fantasizing about, dreaming about, and ************ to thoughts, pictures, and videos of women, and that the thought of being with a man now disgusted her. She also stated that she had been feeling this way when being with me for the last several months. She even stated that she had been lying to me about loving me for the past couple months. Not just being "in love with" me, but loving me period. She cared about me, but that was all there was left. She said that she wanted to stay friends, and because of the children I agreed with that. After that, she told me that she thought she was a lesbian when she was in high school, but went out with guys to make it look like she wasn't.
All of this would be fine with me except for one thing... I am still deeply in love with her. She is (was) my best friend, and I couldn't see my life without her by my side. The only reason for the "was" is that I feel so betrayed and hurt that I don't think I can really stay close to her enough to be best friends anymore. Besides, I wouldn't be her best friend most likely once she finds someone she loves deeply since they would probably take that position.
I was hoping that I could kind of rekindle the flame from her side by taking her to get her favorite snack at the mall and one of her favorite foods at the store tonight, but the conversation we had in the van killed that thought. She stated that there was no chance for us in her mind and that the only reason she wasn't TOTALLY sure she was a lesbian was that she has not been with a woman yet, but she wasn't attracted to men and reinforced her disgust at the thought of being with a man now.
I don't want you to thing that I am putting her down or bashing her. I am a man who is... I guess you could call me bisexual because I like the thought of being with men sexually - I don't feel any romantic interest in men, just sexual. I have not acted on my urges in about 25 years, since "experimenting" with my best friend at the time (and finding out that I liked him a lot more than as a best friend). There are times when I have thought I was actually a woman in a man's body since I am, despite my physical appearance, rather effeminate and emotional. I even offered to go overseas and have gender reassignment surgery and all the treatments just to stay with my wife because I want to be with her - and because of my sexual identity uncertainty. She laughed and stated that it might just keep us together. I doubt it would since I would still be the same person, even if I were the opposite gender. What she no longer loved in the male me, she would not love in the female me except the genitalia.
Because of how I am I can understand, to an extent, how she feels. It doesn't make it any easier to take though. It hurts so badly when the one you can't picture yourself without can't picture them-self with you after being together for so long. I wanted to be the first one in my family since my grandparents to not go through a divorce. It looks like that dream is coming crashing down. I don't care that it is crashing down though. I just care that I have lost the love of my life.
When I was 14, I went to the movies with my best friend at the time. I can't remember what was playing, and it really doesn't matter. My friend and I were finding seats when I heard a female voice call out my name. I looked around and saw that it was my ex-girlfriend's sister. She had come to the theater with her best friend as well. She invited us to sit with them and share the snacks and drinks they had smuggled in.
After a while the first movie started, and we were having a good time. I was seated between the two girls. At some point, my ex's sister's friend grabbed my hand and had me drape my arm across her stomach. My ex's sister then had me do the same with my other arm. I was being pulled in two directions, but I was enjoying it.
After the movies (the theater always played double features at the time) I walked the girls back to the sister's house while my friend went home. We talked outside the house for a couple hours until my mom came and found me. She was upset since it was about 1AM or later. I promised to come back that next evening to talk some more (I was really enjoying the sister's friend's company).
I came back as promised, and let's just say that that evening was an experience like no other. Lost my virginity to the friend, and ended up with a girlfriend. I was more than stoked!
Fast forward almost 10 years...
We had had our share of disagreements, and we had broken up several times for short durations, but we always got back together. We knew we would be together forever.
We decided that we should get married, so that is what we did. She was a beautiful bride even though it was a courthouse wedding (we didn't have enough money, nor did our families, for a "traditional" wedding). Our oldest son and our oldest niece were our ring-bearers. My best man decided not to show since it was also his birthday and he hated the courthouse - too many times standing before a judge will do that to you, I guess. Well, that and being three sheets to the wind by 5PM...
By this time, we had had three children. We had our first quite young (I wasn't quite 16 yet when he was born), and we put our second one up for adoption (she came 14 months and one day later). Our youngest at the time was just shy of nine months old.
Fast forward about 9 more years...
We had a fourth child by now, one with special needs, and we lived as happily as we could be together. Then one day I was joking with my wife about her getting a girlfriend (it was a long-running joke and she said she wasn't interested in women) when she stated that she might just. This of course piqued my interest, so I talked with her more about it. She stated that she actually did have one online, and I noticed that when she spoke of her girlfriend, she had the same look on her face as she did when we were first in love. She didn't realize that she was quite in love with this girlfriend, but I could see it. After a short while she realized it and admitted that she felt she was bisexual. This started a big fight since she didn't talk with me about her girlfriend, she told another friend online instead a couple months before. I didn't mind that she had a girlfriend, just that she decided to let a friend know and kept it from me. This is where I can see, now, that our marriage started falling apart. She did tell me that in her high school years she fell for a girl who wasn't open to the idea. That girl told her friends and they and the girl started harassing my wife to the point of turning her off of women.
From that point on, our love life started quickly fading into nonexistence. At first there was a little fantasizing that I was a woman when I was going down on her, then it came to being that oral is all she wanted a lot of the time. Then I couldn't even do that with her. I got lucky to be able to be intimate with her once a month. She stated that she loved me but her sex drive had gone way down, and I could believe that due to her health issues (she had one ovary removed due to an excruciatingly painful cyst that grew on it), and she frequently had headaches and migraines since that surgery. Then one day I was joking with her and asked her, if a naked woman walked into the room, would she get in the mood. Her response was, "most likely."
Come forward to yesterday...
We had been arguing a few days prior, and we decided to sleep in different rooms. I wanted to talk the issues through that we were fighting over (one of which was the lack of intimate relations). The day before yesterday, she stated that she "would talk with me tomorrow." I said OK, and I went to bed.
Yesterday, I came home from work, thinking we would talk things out like we usually do (since I work and she doesn't, I expect her to take care of the house and make sure the kids do their share as well, and that wasn't being done). When we started to talk, I realized this wasn't going to be the same-old same-old.
She was reluctant to talk with me, but I could sense something deeper was wrong. I started asking "gut reaction" questions (not my gut reaction, but what were her gut reactions to certain questions I asked). When it came to whether she was interested in me sexually, she hesitated. Then she stated that she wasn't interested in men at all anymore. She had been fantasizing about, dreaming about, and ************ to thoughts, pictures, and videos of women, and that the thought of being with a man now disgusted her. She also stated that she had been feeling this way when being with me for the last several months. She even stated that she had been lying to me about loving me for the past couple months. Not just being "in love with" me, but loving me period. She cared about me, but that was all there was left. She said that she wanted to stay friends, and because of the children I agreed with that. After that, she told me that she thought she was a lesbian when she was in high school, but went out with guys to make it look like she wasn't.
All of this would be fine with me except for one thing... I am still deeply in love with her. She is (was) my best friend, and I couldn't see my life without her by my side. The only reason for the "was" is that I feel so betrayed and hurt that I don't think I can really stay close to her enough to be best friends anymore. Besides, I wouldn't be her best friend most likely once she finds someone she loves deeply since they would probably take that position.
I was hoping that I could kind of rekindle the flame from her side by taking her to get her favorite snack at the mall and one of her favorite foods at the store tonight, but the conversation we had in the van killed that thought. She stated that there was no chance for us in her mind and that the only reason she wasn't TOTALLY sure she was a lesbian was that she has not been with a woman yet, but she wasn't attracted to men and reinforced her disgust at the thought of being with a man now.
I don't want you to thing that I am putting her down or bashing her. I am a man who is... I guess you could call me bisexual because I like the thought of being with men sexually - I don't feel any romantic interest in men, just sexual. I have not acted on my urges in about 25 years, since "experimenting" with my best friend at the time (and finding out that I liked him a lot more than as a best friend). There are times when I have thought I was actually a woman in a man's body since I am, despite my physical appearance, rather effeminate and emotional. I even offered to go overseas and have gender reassignment surgery and all the treatments just to stay with my wife because I want to be with her - and because of my sexual identity uncertainty. She laughed and stated that it might just keep us together. I doubt it would since I would still be the same person, even if I were the opposite gender. What she no longer loved in the male me, she would not love in the female me except the genitalia.
Because of how I am I can understand, to an extent, how she feels. It doesn't make it any easier to take though. It hurts so badly when the one you can't picture yourself without can't picture them-self with you after being together for so long. I wanted to be the first one in my family since my grandparents to not go through a divorce. It looks like that dream is coming crashing down. I don't care that it is crashing down though. I just care that I have lost the love of my life.
By:
wwaisath
Age:
31-35
,
Male
2
responses
