It's Kind of Sad...

...looking back at places that I've been for years, and realizing that very few people (if any) know hardly anything about me.

Sometimes I wish I could have opened up; expressed myself and made connections with people, like so many others seem to do with very little effort.

But I don't want to dwell in the past on what could have been.  The only thing I can do now is just move forward.  Maybe someday, I'll be known by someone. 

Maybe, if I want to be.

solarxmoon solarxmoon
26-30, F
9 Responses Feb 19, 2009

I've felt this way sometimes, sure. I think it's to be expected for a lot of us at some point though. Have you asked yourself how much do you really know about others? Some of us are more private people, yet some people spill all their thoughts and feelings to whoever they meet; some people make many acquaintances, some just like to stick to a few close friends. Some are introverts (like most of us probably), while others connect with nearly everyone they meet.<br />
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I don't think it's that bad. I think relationships are more complicated than most people realize, and perhaps it is just the few of us select individuals that want a little more out of life. There are so many different personalities out there; so many cultures, belief systems and world-views. It's not easy to just click with everybody; and remember there is also your own definition of what it means to 'click' with somebody too. There's nothing wrong with any of it. Perhaps the perfect bunch of people you want to be with are 10% of the world population, maybe more, maybe less. Who knows.<br />
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So this motive of wanting more from life's relationships (etc) might not have been with you all the time, it might have arisen from spending time in the past dreaming about future ideals, and now it has reflected backward onto itself. I say that just from one perspective of seeing 'missed relationships' as responsible by expectations, values and ideals.<br />
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I had this vision of the perfect relationship, but then it hit me one day when I saw that it's a constant projection into the future in some unknown precious place. Meaning that it's basically not gonna happen. Something had to change; my attitude and outlook. Because if I went out and tried to seek that exact relationship right now, I'd be hesitant on what to do and resume the imaginary 'future' dream. Right now the ideal is lingering with me, but it's weaker and now I'm more inclined to make it happen today and not five years later. It might take more energy, but in some sense it brings out more potential.<br />
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Regardless, the good thing is, like you said, you can just keep 'moving forward.' Know that you're only human, respect your learning curve. If you really want to change, and change your ideals, you can, but it takes time. If you want to open up more to others, how you will connect with people and how you value that connection will also need to change. I guess if you have higher standards about relationships, then you risk connecting deeply with a lot of people. But then again, maybe that's just fine because you sense that you might not want that nor benefit from that anyway; maybe there are the right kind of people for you somewhere, there simply isn't many of them. When I say 'the right kind of people', that also refers to those who are willing to connect with you deeply as well, because the best relationships work both ways.

you bhup

Bhup bhup

Me too.I sometimes wonder how many great connections I've missed out. I'm not always sure why I didn't start them. I think it all boiled down to fear but I've been getting better about this and I want to change.

i get that, too - where i mean something to someone else, and i can't honestly say i feel the same way back. i am not quite sure really where i am, because i do feel more invested in my relationships with people know that i am out of high school and i am friends with a number of people that i really have an immense amount of respect for...and i do feel something, i actually do have moments where i feel this affection, but there is still something lacking emotionally. and i wonder if i am getting closer to actually being able to feel something deeper...it is all very confusing. and convoluted. especially since i have moments were i can feel deeply for a stranger for no reason at all, you know? and as a child i was very compassionate, but also constantly felt outside of things. i had strong feeling for the world, but didn't know how to be in it and engage it, if that makes sense. now i feel as if even that connection is gone, i am just adrift. and i feel like it is partially because i feel disconnected from myself.<br />
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^^

<i>"and sometimes, i wonder if i just keep waiting for another person and another person rather than putting in the effort to connect with the people around me."</i><br />
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I was just thinking about this the other day, with regards to romantic relationships, but it could apply to any. I used to feel like it were impossible for me to be close to anyone, and I thought the feelings were mutual until I came across people out there who want to be with me, but felt nothing for them. And I started wondering if I just want what I can't have and don't want what I can; or if I really just haven't found the right connection yet.<br />
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<i>"i wonder, sometimes, if its much easier to imagine connecting to some imaginary person you haven't met."</i><br />
And this is part of what confuses me too. In my own imaginary world, I can make emotional connections with people. I've always imagined that when I met someone who I had a connection with, I would feel it; yet in real life I feel nothing. And I wonder, have I really just not found my people to connect with, or is my ability to emotionally connect and feel really all in my mind, not in the reality of real life?<br />
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<i>"these are my scattered thoughts on the matter. i hope they are useful in some way. ^^"</i><br />
once again, I can relate to what you've said exactly :)

i am confused about this. i feel this way, too, but sometimes i wonder if the feeling is fair. in high school, yeah, it was, but know i am in college and my friends are really different than my friends in high school. i can relate to them in a different way, and they sort of share the parts of my that were not expressed in high school. and they seem to see certain characteristics in me, but ultimately, i still feel disconnected. i don't think i have had much practice with forging genuine connections. and it's hard, because the parts of my that yearn for ex<x>pression are the ones that were relegated to the dark for so long, and it is hard for me to even feel connected to them, but i know i need to reclaim these parts of myself in order to connect with other people.<br />
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and sometimes, i wonder if i just keep waiting for another person and another person rather than putting in the effort to connect with the people around me.<br />
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and at the same time as all of this, i feel like different parts of yourself are brought out by different people. so you find ex<x>pression of certain characteristics with each of your friends. this is probably why i feel most fully myself when i am alone. and i don't know if it is a waste of time to yearn for one special connection where one person seems to be able appreciate the entirety of your being, instead of seeing you in fragments. i suppose it takes work.<br />
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i wonder if i am willing to do that work. i wonder, sometimes, if its much easier to imagine connecting to some imaginary person you haven't met.<br />
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these are my scattered thoughts on the matter. i hope they are useful in some way. ^^

yeah..for me sometimes when I leave, it's like I miss what could have been....even though that never was...<br />
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you'd think that having no attachments would keep me free from feelings such as this.. I guess I still have attachments to ideas of how I think it should be.

i was just thinking this the other day, as i have on and off for many years. after i leave a place and some time passes, it has always been the case that i had walked away with few strings attached. but then i wonder why i yearn for such attachments, if it´s really for the connection or just for me.