My Child Was Raped By Three 12 Year Old Boys

"My sweet little child, I cry for you every night after you're finally down, after the "spell" to help you not have nightmares, after the relaxation exercises and the back rub and the assurance that I won't leave you. I cry every morning after I drop you at your new school, after promising things will be okay, after helping you relax your breathing when you feel like you're about to throw up. I protect you fiercely when other parents and teachers complain that you talk about it too much to the other children and scare them."

On March 16th, 2012 my seven year old autistic daughter was outside playing in the back yard with all her little buddies, jumping on the trampoline and swinging and chasing each other. I was inside but near the kitchen window keeping watch as prepared dinner. I heard screams, but I always hear her screaming, usually with delight unless she encounters a wasp or frog. My older daughter heard her too, but only complained about the noise. "Isn't it about time she came in?"
Fifteen minutes more. That was always the request and I usually gave in. B, as I'll call her, had suffered so much in the year before. She witnessed her father's wreck, the police taking him away, the loss after he was deported. She was daddy's girl, but now there's only me to protect her.
So I let her play.
I'd give anything to take those fifteen minutes back now. I won't go into the details. I can't write about it yet.

Who would have thought such a brief time would change her so completely? Where she used to be strong and silly and happy and so brave she's now shy and afraid of her own shadow. She's cranky most days and many of the autism features she'd moved past were raring up again. Spinning, picking at herself, getting stuck on words, and just so much more closing herself off have taken over again. Her days are filled with play therapy, trauma therapy, CB therapy, speech therapy. I don't work anymore. I'm too exhausted. She doesn't play with friends anymore. She can't handle conflicts. Parents complain that she talks about "what those bad boys did". She talks about death too much.

She's only seven. It's not fair.

And I know full well how unfair it is because my own father molested me when I was six. Only for her it was much, much worse. And I have to live with this every day. I have to see her struggle every day. I have flashbacks every day now. I've started suffering from depersonalization and dissociation. I've had delusions. I have to fight this for her, but I feel exhausted all the time. I have nobody anymore to protect ME! The man I love, loved for nine years is gone forever. I couldn't even tell him what happened to our daughter. What could he do about it? It would only cause him grief.

I try not to think selfishly. I give her all I have, her and her big sister. But I'm so lonely, and so exhausted, and I ache so much I just want to lock myself away forever. I have a therapist and a psychiatrist, but I feel no connection. I don't even trust the therapist enough to ask her to stop talking about her religion and her god. I just take my meds like a good girl and hope I don't have another spell of cutting (to come back to my self, not to actually harm) or pulling out my eyebrows or binging.

I just feel like right now this is all my life is about. I had hopes and dreams at one time, but now all I can think about is how I was hurt and my daughter was hurt and my older daughter has had to suffer it all and suddenly be responsible for me, as my mental health has degraded to the point I cannot function. She has to remind me to bathe. It's just that bad.

I'm thankful I have this place to write out what I'm thinking. I can't tell anyone else. The ones who care know, but they are still so uncomfortable with it all it's just best to let them talk about their own problems. At least it's a break from my own.


ETA: I wanted to add a note at the end because now it's been almost a year since that day, March 17th, 2012. I will never forget that date.  But I need to come back and tell people how wonderfully well she's doing these days. She spent eight months in trauma therapy and graduated with a little party at the Child Advocacy Center. She has matured so much... I don't know if that's good or bad, but she's always been a serious child anyway. I am hoping thanks to therapy and kindness from everyone around her that she won't have a lot of lasting damage. She was far too young to have to learn about sexual abuse but the therapy helped her deal with it and the fact that she'd lost her father not long before it happened. She was taught ways to help her own frustration and fear and I think she uses those methods in other areas. She's doing great in school now, all on the proper level even with autism, and I think it's brought her out of that shell so she's better able to effectively communicate with other children so that they can play together better.  I know from my own experience that the trauma could come back to haunt her when she's older, but I'm hoping the therapy will help her as she grows.
Thank you all for your kind comments so far!
DisorderlyCyn DisorderlyCyn
41-45, F
18 Responses Sep 12, 2012

My heart goes out to you & your daughter. I know what rape did to me in my childhood, I cannot imagine the effect it has had on all your lives. Know you are welcome to message me any time to talk or just vent.

Sincerely George

What happened to her was awful... I'm glad she's ok now, and very happy for you as well. Tons of love.

Two of my very, very best friends were r!aped and molested by their fathers. Unfortunately, they took their own lives. I know how you feel. Its almost just as traumatizing to think that maybe you could've done something to help them. I know how you feel. It hurts. But I'm here if you need me.

am sooooo sorry for your loss.. my heart just burst outt... I feeel our religion really give practical solution so that people learn the lesson seriously...

Thank you sweet Amman. I don't really have a religion but for me family has been my guiding light and comfort.

A. Gorean man would deal with this...

i feel so sorry for that young boy :( he should be happy it wasn;t my daughter he RAPE ,cause i don;t know if he'ad still be living :( my daughter is 31 but she was born with spinal bif ada & also some water on the brain & if she everrrrrr & i do mean everrrrr came in or came in crying & i ask her what happenn :( ooommmgggggg . i promise you prays & happyness for the rest of ur life

*hugs*

I'm so sorry to read your story, I don't know what to say... I'll pray for you and your daughter. Many hugs...

I can't imagine the pain - for both of you. May I suggest a therapist without a religious motivation? Sometimes you have to "shop" a little to find the right one. But, once you do, it can be so very helpful.

That's why when they scream you should look at what they're screaming about. Good on her for speaking up about them "bad boys"

They were!!!

I would want to see those kids spend time in juvie for what they did. I'm sorry your little girl's going through such a tough time and you.

I am sorry.
I hope they are prosecuted and I hope you let everyone in the neighborhood know who these boys are.

When I was 12, I am not sure I knew what rape was..........

Good luck...

My heart is filled with sadness for you and your daughter. I'm sickened and disturbed that the legal system didn't help you either. Words fail me in trying to express how deeply sorry I am. If something like this happened to my girl I'd want to kill the culprits, that's for sure! I hear how frightened you are, too, about what may happen when those boys get older. It scares me, too. I'm left shaking my head at the kind of world we live in today. If you can get strength and hope from these posts, add mine to them. I wish you both the very best.

Thank you all so much for your comments. I'm hoping it makes her stronger. I'm always torn between what I'm drawn to do: Not talk about it, and wanting her to remember everything but with courage and some kind of closure. I'm hoping we'll be able to move one day so she doesn't have to see them outside, maybe that change will help us all.

This is so sad, no kid should have go through such times. My ex girlfriend was abused from 5 to 10 years of her age by her own family. Nothing had been done for justice though. I felt lill light as i could write about it in EP too. I wish she gets over this incident and act normal again. Take Care

when you feel as if you are about to be overwhelmed, just stop and BREATHE. deeply inhale... thru your nose and exhale slowly.... thru your nose. repeating it until the emotion passes.
emotions are like a breeze. thaey flow over you and then they are....gone.
learn to recognize this fact and that load will be lightened from your shoulders,
God Bless, and don't forget to....BREATHE.

I am a single father, and raised three boys from ages 2, 3, and 4 until adult hood. I would be in lock up if some one had attempted to harm them when thy were young. Some times it helps to realize how dang fortunate i was.

Hats off mom and hope all works out well

I think it's because the boys who did this are still children that I couldn't think of any sort of violent retaliation. I knew these kids, ya know? They played here all the time. Our house is where all the neighborhood kids come. Or came anyway. Nobody comes here anymore and it makes me so sad. I can't wait until we can move.

tried to add you and mesage you but i can not would you please concider adding for a day or so so we can talk later

Sure, thank you.

so sorry and i bet the system did nothing to the boys

No they sure didn't. Because she has autism my daughter had a hard time with her testimony and the rape kit came back clean of DNA although there was bruising but they said it wasn't enough evidence to prosecute. The charges were dropped.Those boys play in the neighborhood all the time but my little girl can't go outside anymore. They are 11 and 12 years old. I fear for when they get a little older and stronger and I truly hope by then we can afford to move. The school system at least gave us a safety transfer so she wouldn't have to see them at her school. That in itself was an ordeal but the new school is much better anyway so there's a bright spot I try to focus on.

sounds very much like the boys that raped my wife at 10 years old as she was different and she was she was so samll you would have never guessed she was not then 5 or 6 years old

in our 11 th year of school we had a swimming meet at that school and one of the boys came up to her and ask her if she would like to go back in the woods and feel a real man
and he found out he was no longer aman ash she went up and the air and kicked him in the head and came down between his ligs smahing his man hood the other jumped in only to be beat up but other young ladys all carring a child not could ever have children after that and yes they tried to sues us but on the tape you could see they stared the fight

and to me really that is abouve even rape what happened to our child that is assult and they had the brusing to prove it

but i fear this sysytem is head down hill fast in the next few years as far as right of handcaped

Oh I know! I have been learning about that a lot lately. The official charge was aggravated sexual assault. One held her down, the other raped her and the third took a video on his cell phone. The parents swore he didn't have a phone but I knew he had it before because they took videos wrestling on the trampoline and showed me days before. There were two other children there, but they were siblings of one of the boys and apparently they were coached not to say anything.
It came down to our word against theirs, and there just wasn't enough evidence. All we can do is move on. She goes to trauma based therapy, group therapy and "expressive play therapy" every week so I really hope this won't damage her too badly. I was molested at around her age but I never got help until recently and I'm in my forties.