My Daughter Was Molested By Her Father
I am the mother of a molested child. My daughter has come a long way and so have I. It has been quite an eventful journey with many bumps and twists in the road. We've lost so much, but gained so many wonderful things during the process.
My daughter began to disclose things little by little when she was 3 years old just after her father and I separated. The breakup of our marriage was my idea. I was tired of him not working and being inconsiderate. He refused marriage counseling and any counseling on his own. We had been apart for about two weeks when the story began to unfold. Our daughter was still seeing her father every day. He didn't work, so he would keep her during the day and I would pick her up on my way home. One night, I went to tuck her in and she pulled down the covers. She was naked and said, "Lick my pee-pee Mommy". I was horrified inside, but remained calm. I asked if anyone had licked her there and innocently she stated that "Daddy licks me there and it tickles". She then jumped up to put on her panties and PJ's and told me goodnight. I was in shock and couldn't bring myself to say anything. She was still giggling when I turned off her bedroom light.
The following day, I informed my husband about what our daughter had told me. He claimed that they were playing like they were "pets" and he was a dog and licked her leg. I still thought that was odd and I couldn't imagine licking our daughter in even a playful manner. He looked like he was being honest and he was a little strange so I told him not to do that again.
Then less than 6 months later she came home from his house walking funny. I thought she had hurt her back. Then I noticed blood in the potty. I took her to the ER and they found a red mark on my daughters rectum. The hospital contacted DFCS and the police indicating that it was a case of possible child molestation. I was in total shock. The social worker from the hospital had a laundry list of questions for me to answer and all I wanted to do was to hold my child. They didn't allow me to see her until after the interview. The social worker claimed I was "belligerent and overly distressed". The staff at the hospital acted like I was the criminal when I spoke about the the situation when my daughter told me her father had licked her. They couldn't believe I didn't file a police report after that.
Four days later I took her for a follow-up appointment with the advocacy center and they noted the mark on her rectum was now a bruise. My daughter was acting very strange at the hospital. She was terrified her father was going to see us. She kept trying to talk me into hiding under the chair with her. She insisted that i wear a jacket over my head and that we not sit next to the windows in the waiting area. I asked for a private waiting room due to my daughters high level of anxiety and we were able to sit in a more enclosed location. Every time someone would walk past the room, she would jump thinking it was her father and I would reassure her that he did not know we were there. When we went into the examination room she made sure the door was locked. She was very hesitant to show the nurse and doctors her vaginal area. Then again I was asked a multitude of questions and was directed to cooperate with police and DFCS (Department of Family and Children Services).
On our way home, my daughter begged me not to tell her father where we went. He was still living with his grandmother and didn't have a clue as to where we went. I hadn't told anyone. She claimed that he would kill us if she told. I asked her what she "said" and she claimed that she told her daddy's secret. When we turned into our neighborhood she began to scream "Don't go down our street. Our house is cracked up with fire because I told". I reassured her that we would be fine and our house would be fine. Each time we left home and returned this would happen for almost a year. It got increasingly worse the more she disclosed to the therapist. She thought black women had been burned by their fathers since they had told their daddy's secret!
One night my ex husband, her molester poured gasoline around our home. The gas was old and smelled like bleach. He was possibly scared off by a neighbor. His sister had called to tell me he was distraught and was threatening to kill my daughter and I. She had already contacted the police. I saw two people in my front yard near the house so I contacted the police as well. He was not there when the police arrived and therefore it was my word against his. The officer noted the smell of gasoline and bleach around our home. His sister filed a police report regarding the threats he made.
Later I learned through talking with my daughter and through therapy the threats to keep her silent were more traumatic than the sexual acts. He shot holes in a portrait of me and told our daughter that's what he'd do to mommy if she told their secret. My daughter was horrified to hear everyday sounds like a toilet flushing, a car horn, a garage opening, a door closing. She was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. He killed animals with his bare hands and shot them with a pistol in front of our daughter. He burned her baby dolls and toys while she watched and said that is what would happen to her if she told. My daughter felt sorry for African Americans because she thought they had been "hurt by their daddy's and told their secret". She feared black people because of this. She was terrified of police and thought they would take her to jail because she had told her daddy's secret. My daughter was a mental mess for an extended period of time. She was attending therapy twice a week for several months. Then weekly therapy for several years.
The police investigation was a total nightmare. The event occurred I assumed in the county in which he lived in. The hospital reported it to the county in which I lived in. The county I live in does not have a child friendly environment to conduct the child sexual abuse interviews. The sheriff informed me that I would have to take my daughter to police headquarters for the interview. I declined and explained I would be taking her to the other county since they have a dedicated facility with trained professionals to handle the situation. I also explained my daughters fear of law enforcement officers and her fear of blacks. I was then told I would be arrested for interfering with a police investigation. Needless to say...I took my daughter for the interview at the county police department.
My daughter had to go in a room with a dark African American male that weighed at least 375 pounds for her interview. The officer said that she didn't disclose anything. I stated that I wasn't surprised, because I would be terrified too. He was in uniform with the handcuffs showing and his pistol was located in the front of his belt. He stated my daughter cried the entire time. Again mentally my daughter had to suffer. The same officer interviewed the father and noted on the record, "the father denies all allegations and claims he never touched the child inappropriately". I'm not sure what allegations he was talking about since none had been made other than from the hospital which to me was concerning medical evidence.
Months later my daughter wanted to tell the police all about it. Perhaps she had gained some empowerment through therapy and wanted to let it be known what her father had done. So I contacted the police and they had me meet an officer in the local grocery store parking lot. After the officer spoke with her a bit, he asked that we meet him down at the station. My daughter was nervous again when we passed the jail and entered the police station. During the interview my daughter disclosed that her father "hurt" her "with his stick and it was like skin and had hair". The detective didn't think this was enough to go on. Keep in mind my daughter is just 4 years old disclosing this type of info.
The police screwed up their investigation and the criminal case never went to trial. Most of my family thought since he wasn't prosecuted, it was a lie. The judge indicated my daughter was too young to testify. The judge indicated I managed to antagonize every individual involved in this case. I held people accountable and attempted to let them know how things or situations would make my daughter feel. I was doing my best to protect her mental well being. She had already been through PURE HELL! By the way...the father's lie detector test came out that he was somewhat deceptive. His personality tests indicated that he is attracted to young girls and boys and thinks about sex more than the normal individual.
It was a really bad situation. The sick man didn't get to see his daughter for almost 2 years. The initial reunification took place at a therapist office that was appointed by the court. This therapist was told by the guardian ad litem (court appointed) that the mother was just upset over the divorce and was trying to "get back" at the father. I was allowed to be in the initial reunification meeting and I had a recorder to tape the conversation. Our daughter (5 years old at the time) confronted her father. She stated, "You hurt me in my pee-pee with your stick and you need to say you are sorry."
Her father looked at her and said, "I'm sorry, (long pause) but I don't think I hurt you". Our daughter said "yes. you did." and then her father again denied the allegations. The therapist stated, "We don't know what happened to you, but we need to move past this and forget about what ever it is that is bothering you".
My daughter looked at the lady with a sad face. I spoke up and said, "No we don't need to forget about it. We need to get to the root of the problem and move forward from there. It isn't something that should be dismissed."
The therapist then informed me that it was her job to unite the child with the father as told by the guardian ad litem attorney. The judge had ordered this therapist to see if the child had any behavioral or emotional concerns when reunited with her father. It was obvious that the guardian ad litem didn't know what she was doing or she was trying to demolish the case on purpose.
The guardian ad litem had noted that I was a racist because my child was fearful of African Americans even though I had gone to great lengths to explain how her father had burned the baby dolls and our daughter thought African Americans had been burned by their fathers for telling "the secret". The guardian ad litem was African American and during her interview with the child, the child was "uncomfortable".
During the case the court appointed therapist was called to testify and stated that the interaction between the child and father was "normal". Never mentioned the allegations that were presented by the child. My attorney questioned the therapist about this and the therapist denied that it happened. Luckily I had the recorded conversation to prove the therapist has just perjured herself.
The judge ordered supervised visitation for almost two years. The supervising agency was okay. I wasn't thrilled with them allowing the father to interact with the child while they went outside or did household chores. Initially the supervision took place at the supervisors home and then eventually they went to the father's grandmother's house where the father lived. The visits increased in hours and frequency over the two years. Now the father is allowed to see the child unsupervised.
After almost $78,000 later the father is allowed the freedom to do as he pleases while the child has no rights. It is like giving to lamb to the lion every other weekend from Friday night until Sunday night. The judge stated that the child is young enough to get the proper treatment to overcome the abuse. The judge did acknowledge the abuse and that the child in fact does suffer from PTSD.
My daughter attended therapy routinely up until the recent past. I only take her to the newly court appointed therapist when there is a change in her behavior or concerning statements. Recently my daughter asked me "if a truck ran over my brother, would it kill him". I told her it depends where it runs over him and how big the truck is. She then stated, "What if my dad's truck ran over him"!
Of course I was alarmed and took her to therapy. The therapist informed me that these are "normal questions that an 8 year old asks". I don't believe it for one minute. This is not normal. Still there is nothing I can do unless my daughter makes and outcry to someone other than me. If her father used such horrifying terror tactic's in the past, there is no telling what he is threatening her with now that she is 8 and it isn't as easy to pull the wool over her eyes. The therapist tells me that once a child has made an outcry and is put back in the same situation, she will be less likely to make a 2nd outcry for fear of having to see the abuser again.
It will be my responsibility to see that my daughter gets the proper therapy and that I pick up the broken pieces when all is said and done. I have a lot riding on my shoulders and meanwhile the abuser walks free and denies anything ever happened. He is the funny, kid friendly easy go lucky kind of guy that's why it is hard to imagine he'd be the type to molest children. I do believe that the truth shall prevail but I hate that it may come at the sacrifice of another child or our daughter again.
My family still isn't talking to me. They think that the allegations were false since he was never prosecuted. I had an abusive family in the fact that my mother and step father were alcoholics and my real father was never a big part of my life due to his drug abuse. Still I cannot understand my aunts and uncles taking my ex-husbands side. I guess it is easier to believe that a mother would lie rather than to believe a father would hurt his own fleshing blood!
I know the truth and I will continue to support my daughter in anyway that I can. Hopefully she will grow to be a happy and healthy person. I can live with the fact that I believed my daughter and I have done and will do everything I can to protect her.
I am the mother of a molested Child. It is difficult to imagine how I made it this far and am still able to have a successful career, a loving relationship with another man, and most importantly I have a happy daughter.