Im Still Trying to Put Things Right

i was a girl of 17 and had no clue about myself only what was natural...i met a man and fell pregnant i had no concept of what was actually happening to me....i was quite a distant and stupid person...easy to take advantage of and i thought that that was my lot...i gave birth to my daughter and i was besotted...she was just what i needed

in time i met my friends brother..i was now 18...we got married very quickly ...in 4 months and i started to build a life for my daughter...i thought that this was the way to go.

things went along nicely and i wanted to get my daughter a wendy house for her bedroom...so i went to work while claiming benefits for a few weeks before xmas...at some point during this period something had happened to my daughter...and i had'nt seen the signs...because i did'nt know what the signs were...so i just carried on going to work...even when my girl had opened the letter box and said to me as i was leaving..."mummy...only go to shop for sweeties...ok"...i said ok  to her to passify her and carried on to work for my 6 hour shift...

it was sometime soon after that i was changing her night pants that i noticed a dark purple bruise around her anus...and asked my husband what it was...he told me that she had swallowed a bit of plastic and had trouble passing it and he'd had to help her pass it...i thought nothing of this because your told that if your baby is constipated you need to use your little finger to help them poo.

i took her to the doctors the next day to make sure she had no traces of plastic left  and was'nt in pain...but when he examined her he told me that she was being abused and there were bruises on her body that were consistant with this...ansd called social services who werwe based in the same building...i was completely gobsmacked and became very defensive and protective as they started to take my baby away from me...this did'nt really help my case.....and soon after my husband eugene was arrested for assaulting a woman and went to prison on remand

in time i was questioned about the abuse and they made a case for court and eugene and i were both accused of abusing my girl

in a way i started to realise that i was going to court for child abuse and did'nt really let it in...i just knew i was innocent so i was'nt frightened,,,just very confused about what was happening...it did'nt help when his family started ringing up accusing me of neglect and hurting her with a vibrator ...saying that was the reason for the brusing on her bum and saying "our eugene would'nt do that"

i quickly then realised that things were going very wrong and that i was in a lot of trouble...i changed my first name ... moved and tried to get on with my life untill my trial date.

it was terrible...i cried constantly wanting my daughter back...for a while social services let me see my daughter and she responded well to me and when we had to go to court for an unfit person order. eugene was in prison so it was just me at the hearing...while i was waiting to be heard my girl said to the social worker " mummys a good girl daddy beated me"...which social services completely denied was said.

soon visits with my daughter were strained , she started reacting to me strangely and eventually i just gave up...my mother took her and that was the last time i seen her...i had'nt known that they had told my immediate family that they were never to speak to me again and were not allowed to say anything to my aunties ...grandparents...etc untill she was at least 11 years old....

in time i appeared in court along with eugene on child abuse charges...the first trial was a hung jury and another date was set...this time i was aquitted and he was sentenced to 18 months.

i rang social services to tell them what had happened and my social worker bellowed down the phone at me " YOU DID THIS"...

i remember breaking inside and could'nt cope with anymore so i moved to another city and tried to get on with my life ..it was very hard...i always missed my girl but knew there was nothing i could do and i could'nt take the hurt.

i began searching for love..i needed something that could'nt be filled...and i let a lot of men ...use me and beat me...and put me down...

this continued in an out of control spiral...i still had no sense either which made everything i did hurt like hell...

then at 25 something happened to me i was forgetting my past and started singing and playing guitar...i felt something lift inside me and became quite good at what i was doing...i was still getting hurt by men...but i was also having a good time... i was singing on stage and learning to paint...i became good at both things very quickly and started to produce results in my life....

unfortunatly everytime i got better..i did something stupid and put blocks in places to kind of make sure i ruined opportunities for good...

i was now in my thirties...and had come to terms with what happened.and started to think about trying to get divorced from eugene...i had just ran and ran away...it was like i was a completely different person now ...i went searchiung for him to serve papers on ...i tried everything but he was gone....i looked on the internet and typed his name into google...an article popped up for a good few years after coming out of prison for what he had done to my girl

he had picked a girl up that was walking home because she didnt have the £1.50 bus fare to her home...he had been drinking and took her to a field and raped her twice in a nettle patch...then he gave her £1.50 to get home...i then learned that he had more than two convictions for unlawful carnal knowledge of small children ...at least seven other counts...i was very disgusted that i was still married to him...and am still trying to get a divorce now...im 38.

because i now realise that when he was bathing her...he was also playing with her...its resurfaced so many feelings of remorse and hatred that i find everything in life hard to do...i hardly see my friends..i dont sing much now...i have to force myself to paint to quiet my soul...

although i have now reinstated my friendship with my mother whom i met for the first time last year and i've stayed in the same house as my 17 year old daughter who would'nt speak to me...and i got myself a market stall to show my art...i still live in a lie and have been trying to change my name back to what it was before...its much harder to go back and fix  things...my daughter now does'nt speak to any of us....and  i have a boyfriend who is jealous of everything i do....

im still not going to stop trying to climb out of this hole.

inlovewithlight inlovewithlight
36-40, F
Mar 10, 2009