Being The Other Woman For Financial Security

It all started over 4 years ago, we lived the on the same street. I was house hunting and looking to buy a car, he happen to be selling a few cars, and he managed properties. He lived alone, he never said he was married. We started talking, smiling, having lunch, and so on. I eventually started working for him, he owned several companies, moved into one of his rentals, and bought a car from him. The friendship was amazing!! I was so attracted to him, and eventually we began an intimate relationship, with an agreement that we would not let our personal affair, get involved in the professional. I learned later that he was married while doing his taxes. I should have ended it then, but his situation was so weird, his wife lived in Southern California, we were in Northern California. Now we are two years into our relationship, and he claims its just on paper, he had asked for a divorce, and she would not give him one, blah blah, blah. But it gets worse, there is another woman, he had been with over 10 years, and to top it off, still another one, and I walked in on them while they were having sex. This is a man that not only is a professional in many fields, but a professional cheater. Every woman in his life plays a role where they contribute some type of financial support to him, except me. It is the complete opposite, he takes care of me and my children in every financial way possible. Rent, bills, food, car note, everything! I keep my payroll check for myself, he never asks me to pay anything. But the last year after catching him in bed, it has caused so many more problems, because honestly, she was the " new one". I gave him some of his own medicine, and I slept with another person, and told him about it. He claims that the ten year woman is over, and the one I caught him with is over, and says things like" when its all said and done it will just be us" and he is working on him. He can't deal with sharing me, but wants me to believe he is working on changing. Its a mess, but I'm not wiling to walk away from my financial comfort, being a single mother with 3 teenagers still home, I feel like another 4 years til my kids are on their own is worth the drama! Am I so wrong for loving him and looking the other way? He is very good to me in every other area, but I don't think he and I will ever settle down and be happily ever after, I have no desire to be with another man again, I'm so confused...stay or end it? I swear there is no other man that can fill his shoes, but I am still the other woman, and only he knows to how many other women besides his wife!
tresocho tresocho
36-40, F
1 Response Jul 15, 2010

Your boyfriend knows who you are and you know who he is. As long as you are making free choices knowing each other's characters, I don't have a problem with you using each other for whatever you are using each other. Maybe he feels most closely connected to you of all his women, but he is turning you into exactly what he fears: someone who will abandon him, eventually.<br />
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I'll bet you that his parents abandoned him in some way -- physically or emotionally. He might be adopted, but whatever, he never got any approval and has been spending the rest of his life over-achieving (to no effect, except financial) and seeking out women who will love him, and maybe fix him at his existential core. <br />
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No woman, of course, can fix him. But he knows that he is essentially nobody at his core and that eventually everyone will realize that and leave him. He's willing to pay for your company because he likes you a lot, but he can't give up the other women permanently because he knows you will leave him. Which is true. Four more years.<br />
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The only way he will come to understand this is by learning a lot about himself. He needs to understand himself in terms of his personal and psychological and spiritual history. I don't mean religion. I mean his understanding of how he is connected to others. <br />
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He should go to different kinds of support groups. He should consider looking into sex and love addicts anonymous. At the very least he should read a book about it. If he is a musician, he should spend more time with music. If not, maybe you guys should learn tango or other forms of dance. Then do it often.<br />
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How do I know this? I'm the same. Read some of my stories. You'll see.<br />
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One other thing. He will have to change his priorities in life. His over-achieving isn't giving him what he desperately wants. At some point, he needs to learn that these pursuits can't help him. They can give him nice stuff and buy him companionship, but they can't make him feel ok about himself. And in the end, that's what he desperately wants, and is clueless about how to get it.