All We Do Is Fight...the End Must Be Near


This is only my second posting on this matter.  I'm frustrated, I'm annoyed, I'm lonely and I'm in love.  All we do is fight now. We have been friends for 2yrs and lovers for the last 8 months and he has a live-in girlfriend and a new baby girl less than a year old.  I'm tired of feeling guilty all the time and I'm tired of being an after thought.  I've ended things on many occasions, but he always finds a way to pull me right back in.  I find the more I get upset and walk away, the more I sit and wait to see how long it'll take him to try to pull me back in.  So far, the longest has been 2 days.  I think in a sick way, I caliber how much he loves me on the amount of time he lets go by before he contacts me. 

We used to spend a lot of time together.  So much so that at times I wondered how come his girl never wondered where he was or why he was gone from the house so often.  But since she's confronted me three times now, our times spent together have drastically diminished.  I hate him for putting me aside like some unwanted toy and  I hate her for showing me she has the upper hand in the relationship.  At the same time I hate myself for even being in this situation.  I've always prided myself at being too smart and cunning to ever get caught up in such a mess, but here I am.  I'm full of shame, full of hurt and full of anger!

We just had, in my opinion, our very last fight.  We were supposed to head out to Toronto today.  Just the two of us, a few hours of lustful abandon and romantic angst.  Thursday night we went to a concert together and he shared he was feeling sick.  By Friday morning, he continued to complain how he wasn't feeling too good.  Earlier, I brought up the idea of us flying away for the day and he agreed it would be a very fun idea.  I told him, since he was feeling sick, I would completely understand if he didn't want to go this weekend.  He insisted he'd make it happen, that he really wanted to do it.  I told him to give me word by Friday night if he thought he could do it or not.  He never emailed.  I fell asleep early that night so I expected to wake-up to him saying yes or no for the trip. I woke up to no such email!  He's an early riser, he's usually up by 6-7am, so by 10am I was really annoyed he hadn't written me yet.  So I wrote him an email saying how much he sucked for not keeping me posted on our so called plans.  He responded by saying he didn't like the tone of my email, that he was tired of getting so much pressure at home and now he's getting it from me and that he didn't want to speak to me anymore!  That I should go an plan my weekend and leave him alone!  Right now, I don't even want to even mention his name I'm so mad! 

Anytime I complain about anything it's seen as 'pressure'.  He's being inconsiderate by keeping me waiting on him and he says I'm being unreasonable?!  I want to write back to him how pissed off I am, but what will that do?!  I'll still be TOW only thought of when he has a few minutes to give me.  I hate being in this situation!  Why do I stay in it?!  What's wrong with me that I need to have him in my life when so far all it's brought me is pain?!

Featherliketouch Featherliketouch
Jul 17, 2010