Need Support From Someone Who Understand..

it's been over 5yrs now that I am the OW... I keep trying to end, but he keeps drawing me back in and like a fool I can’t say no, no matter how much I try... I don’t know what is keeping me with him, I have taken off the rose color glasses and know if he hasn’t left her by now chances are he never will, I no longer believe him when he says he will... with all the other men I have dated I was able to walk away and not turn back. When my marriage was over, even tho I was sad I was end to walk away.... is the exquisite pain this man gives me that keeps me here with him? Why do I love him so much? Why won’t he let me go.... why does he keep coming back? Why do I allow him?
The anxiety... oh the dreadful anxiety today!  I don’t see him with her, once in the past 5 yrs have I bumped into them, she didn’t know who I was at the time. I was right beside her and she had no clue that is no longer the case. Shortly after that run in she found out about me, about us. He has her convinced that it’s over... it’s never over between he and I. Sometime I run into her at stores, when she sees me she literally runs away... I don’t know what she is scared of... I think she is running from her instinct that she knows he is still with me...  I never say her name.. I don’t allow her to be a person.
The support I need today.... last night I had a going away party for one of my friends that is moving out of state... we had a great night, lots of laughs shared among friends not to mention the amount of drinks we consumed and the lack of sleep. She spent the night and when we woke up, still with foggy minds we decided that food was now our priority... we quickly chose a restaurant to have brunch at and got into the car. When we arrive, I immediately spotted his truck, isn’t amazing that I can see from a distance. My heart began to race... was he in there having Sunday morning brunch with her? Did he forget that it was only a few days ago that he was here and I was telling him that I can’t take this any more and he was once again professing his love me, assuring me that things will change... I started to mentally freak out... I couldn’t not go in there and take the chance of seeing him with her, I could not risk a public seen... at that moment I hated him more then I have ever hated anyone... he is altering my life. How dare he!! I was hungry, my mind still in a fog from the night, my appearance was not at my best... we had to leave and leave fast. I am sure it was her sitting by window in the restaurant... my friend didn’t understand, she wanted us to go in and play with the situation, make him squirm... I realized that moment that I am not 100% ready to let him go... I have always said that when I am done, when I no longer want to forgive him I will let het know.... as I know if I tell her he will be done with me. We left. Under my sunglasses I cried, my heart ache, I never allow myself to think of his life with her... oh that familiar pain swept over me.
I’m home alone... I hate crying... I only allow so many tears to escape. I am allowing this pain in my life... I know better
Would you have gone in? Have u ever been in this situation? Where u left to avoid them?

sumgal sumgal
2 Responses Jul 18, 2010

Men are liars, Sumgal. You need to move on and begin dating other men. Let him go, or, if your heart could stand it, use him; spend time with him, enjoy the times together, but make sure you have a life apart from him as he does, and don't hide that from him. You cannot allow him to hold your heart in the palm of his hands anymore. Stand up and fight for your heart - protect it - and don't give it away so easily. Date like it's going out of style. If nothing else, it will help you learn more about yourself.

Hello Sumgal..<br />
Oh, except for the 5 years part, (only been 2 for me so far) you story could have been written by me!.. The thought that in another 3 years I could be still playing the same game horrifies me!..<br />
I can't comment on what I would do in that situation.. I never bump into 'her'... but I can relate to the pain and tears.. I have ended it 6 times already and keep coming back!! WHY!!!???.. ughhh!!...<br />
I sure wish I could be of some help.. add some tidbit of wisdome..but I'm afraid I'm right there in the same boat!!..