I Never Thought I'd Be The 'other Woman!!'

I have now been the other woman for 2 years. And it's pretty much been two years of misery with a bit of heaven mixed in!.. Why do I put myself through this? 
I have tried to end it, well HAVE ended it, 6 times already, only to welcome him back with open arms!.. He's staying for the kids he says.. will leave when the youngest is in university.. (other year or two..)... I am not prepared to wait that long, only to find out that he will never leave anyway!
It hurts to even think of him with 'her'... at home enjoying his family life!  while I sit at home alone to spend holidays, birthdays, important occasions. So why do I not just let him go for good?!.. I do love him, yes. and I know he loves me.. BUT.. IF he loved me so much, would we not be together? 
How long can I go on before I finally 'see the light'?.. I don't enjoy this 'other woman' role one bit!... I never in a million years thought I would be in this situation. Yet here I am!.. 
I feel like I'm damned if I do, and damned if I don't. Either way I'm in for a great deal of pain!... 
Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.. as well as any support... This is not a situation I'm proud of, nor one that I looked for. It just 'is'...
lucky45 lucky45
41-45, F
15 Responses Jul 18, 2010

Well said, Harrie48 - you are so right about that. You can't help who you fall in love with....

Way to go, Leah!! so happy you backed away. I am so proud of you!!!! I know it's hard, but as they say, "this too shall pass". So chin up and keep searching for the one --- you will find him. As for me and my MM, we just celebrated my b-day together in another city away from our town...away from everyone. I am simply living in the moment with him - no strings - no expectations - but very very hopeful. Meanline, I continue to enjoy my single status. That will never change as long as I have no committments. Hang in there my friend...

Well said Maureen and Suree!!.. <br />
Suree.. yes he really meant it when he said he didn't mind.. but it wasn't that he didn't mind.. he just knew he had no right to stop me..and he never tried..<br />
anyway.. update.. I have STILL not backed down and went running back to him.. my heart is still broken every day..and still wish so bad he would leave and we could become a 'normal' couple.. but I have said goodbye and I won't see him again.. I would like to say 'till he leaves' but we all know how likely that is... so the odds are I will just never see him again:(...(and no Marylin, I am not feeling sorry for myself.. just telling it like it is)<br />
I feel alot better overall.. I don't have all the pain of the waiting, and wondering, and hoping, and the jealousy.. all the negative stuff that comes with all this is all gone..and THAT part feels great.. I just have to get by the whole 'missing him so much I want to die' part!!:)...<br />
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How are you guys doing??? any updates??<br />
<br />

Marilyn,<br />
I have to agree with Maureen, your judgements are not welcomed here. You have no idea of anyones personal battles here, or the circumstances that led to having an affair with a married man. All of wish are very different and no one is at fault here. We're all here to discuss very similar journeys; to support each other; to give advice based on our experiences. You clearly have never been in this situation - in fact, I wouldn't doubt that you're a scorned wife yourself; perhaps your husband cheated on you. Perhaps with someone like me. Perhaps you can share your experience so that we can see it from your prospective without any judgement. OR perhaps if you have nothing supportive to say, Stay away from this group and just enjoy the read - maybe you'll learn something valuable here.

Um, I dont feel sorry for either of you one bit. Why cant you just find a man of your own instead of invading someone else's life? Why is it so difficult for you? Do you have any clue how many good men there are out in the world? Of course, a good man isnt going to cheat on his spouse no matter how many problems lie in the relationship. A good man will either resign from the marriage or tell his wife what is going on and the two will come to some kind of conclusion. A good man will not betray the one he loves, the one he's created a family with. In return, a good woman will understand if a man has feeling for another woman and the two will work through it, either making the relationship stronger or seeing that there is no resolution. Only then, should you have the privelege of dating this man. You should be ashamed of yourself, rather than feel sorry for yourself.

Lucky45. that's why we're here - to support each other. I like your boldness and how honest you are to yourself. You're right, I might be experiencing the same thing you in a year or so, since my relationship is very new and hasn't made a year yet. But, when I cross that path, I hope to have many options, and I hope to be stronge enough to say goodbye without the heavy blow of pain in my heart. I know it's possible that I may get my heart broken. I knew it when I met him. I only hope I'm ready. But I will not stop searching for a healthier relationship just because he's in my life. Is your MM really ok with the idea of you dating other men? How did he respond to your email?

Thank you Suree...<br />
I hate to say this, but you sound exactly like me when we first started out.. I was sure it was true love.. I didn't want to put pressure on him to do anything..wanted it to be HIS decision..<br />
and now here I sit, 2 years later.. and nothing has changed!!...I still think he loves me.. I really do.. and I have never given him an ultimatum.. want it to be his decision.. but it's just a decision he is not making.. on he says he will.. but the day never comes...<br />
and yes,, I have been living my life.. told him I'm going to start dating.. see other men.. still nothing has changed..so it's just utterly pointless.. I don't want to be sitting here after 5 years typing the same thing!.. (no offense sumgal)

You poor baby, Lucky45 - don't worry - if nothing else, this will make him respect you more as a person and not a Pleasure Principal like most of these MM think of us. I believe that there are cases where the MM truly is in love with the OW, and I do believe that is so in my case. It is true love, but I'm not ready to ask him to make any changes in his life since we haven't been seeing each other that long, and he's already stated that he was divorcing his wife before we became serious. I don't want to be the reason why he's leaving. And, I won't forget what he said. I will give him 2 years tops, meanwhile, I'm going to be the single women that I am , and enjoy life until then. You do the same. I'm sure your MM will be out of his mind with that email. Use it to your advantage and let everything out. Tell him how you feel. Don't hold back, and if he says he's leaving someday, ask him for a target date. They will never take us serious unless we change our own behavior. Demand respect. Good Luck!!

Oh god, what have I done!!!<br />
Help!!.. After hearing from you guys.. (specially the 5 years part) I got to really thinking... and thought it was time to put a stop to all this.. I typed out this long email to my MM.. I didn't really plan on sending it.. I was just going to save it to draft and complete it later.. possibly send it someday.. But I hit 'send' instead of save!!!!... I told him how I just didn't want to be the 'other woman' any longer.. that I can't.. I won't.. and how unloved he makes me feel.. and on and on.. oh it was brutal!.. and now it's sent!!!!...<br />
I HAVE been seriously thinking of ending it.. once and for all.. but I didn' t really MEAN to.. oh boy!!.. I honestly don't know if this is for the good or bad.. but it's done now!! I'll just have to wait and see what he says I guess.. I feel sick to my stomach now!!..<br />
any words of encouragement?!!.. the thought of it being over.. for real.. for good.. makes me sick!!..

I understand, Lucky45. I totally agree. You never had him in the first place, and he's not putting the wife first, she is first. She's first because he has invested so much into the marriage; money, property, kids, memories when times were great, etc. He will not do anything to risk losing that. The love he has for you compared to her are two very different loves. I do believe when my MM tells me he loves me, he means it. I don't doubt that.... but, love shouldn't make you feel lonely or set aside. I do believe these men are genuine, but their situation will change their status if they leave. In some circumstances, I do believe that some MM do feel as trapped as we do.

I am not a big dr. phil fan.. .but he said something recently that really got me thinking.. it was a show about cheating, co-incidently, but this woman just would NOT leave her man.. and he asked her.. 'what are you holding on to? the man you have? or the man you WISH you had??'.. and that got me thinking.. he is NOT the man I wish I had.. I wish he would be thoughtful, and put me ahead of all else,, and be here when I need him.. but the reality is, the man I HAVE is one that puts me second to his wife.. only sees me when he can spare the time..and still puts her ahead of me!!.. so really.. what am I holding on to?!!!

I understand. but we all teach people how to treat us, and you must let him know, in your own way, that you are going to start dating OR just do it and keep it from him until he asks again, then tell him, while reminding him that you do not belong to him. He has not made you his wife, and while you're still beautiful and young, you will not reserve yourself to him exclusively wasting time and energy when there are plenty of men that would give up all the tea in china to be with you. Don't worry about your kids, they're resiliant. They'll get over it. Be brave and just do It, girl!!! Do it for you.

I tottally agree with you...<br />
He won't go for it, he's convienced that I am "his"..sigh :-(<br />
I don't schedule my life around him.. I do my thing with my friends, my kids... if he wanted to be there he would (he has a few times, espcially my kids events, he comes to those things). I don't allow him to ask questions, if I chose to tell him what I did... that is my choice not his. He has come over when I wasn't here.. he tries to check up on me when I can't be reached.. <br />
He does ask if I am with anyone else, he tells me that he can't handle it if I was... double standard!! He knows that guys flirt with me, give me numbers.. drives him crazy..<br />
I know this situation is f*&^ed up.. I really do. When he works out of town and I don't see him that is when I am busy conviencing myself that I am done done done... no more! Then he comes over and shows me love, he is also very close to my kids... that is how he made his way into my life, he used to live in my neighbour hood and he took to my kids.. aaaaaaaaaaarrrrggggggh!! I hate this!! He's made a place in my heart, my kids hearts.... he's got his cake and then some!!

I'm in the same situation, and I don't believe no one but the OW has the answers. I've concluded that because I too cannot seem to let go - I will take the good with the bad because I'd rather be with him for those few special moments, than to be alone missing him. But, while he's in my life and not commiting, I date, I flirt, I chat online with other men and I enjoy my single life even when I know, I'd rather be home curled up in bed with him watching a great movie and snacking on some popcorn. Don't give up your routine or your time with the girls, or the opportunities you have to meet someone new. He hasn't commited to you. He has not given you exclusivity. You are sharing him with his wife, and he's probably sleeping with her. <br />
But - You have advantage of having more idle time, since he's so busy with his family. Turn it into an open relationship. At least tell him you chat with other men online. Love has nothing to do with it. Once he's aware that you are no longer talking about having a future with him, he'll make a decision or at least have an exit plan. If he's comfortable with you having an open relationship, then you know he wasn't that serious about you. Trust me, you do this, it will not only help you heal from the pain you are constantly feeling, it will teach you more about yourself, and how men think, as well as help you grow inside, and eventually give you the strength to leave, and not look back.....

Hello,<br />
I am sorry that you have this pain... I know it to well. <br />
We grew with the vision of a happy ever after... that's a bunch of bs. Fairy tails don't happen in real life.<br />
When I was married my husband had an affair with my so called best friend... lovely. Needless to say that was enuff for me. I never wanted to be the other woman... when I first met my MM I had no idea about her for over a year of being with him. They are not married, but do live together. I had ended it then, but after awhile he came back cause he loves me... I keep ending it, he keeps coming back and I let him. <br />
I know the reality... we both do. If they are not left to be with us by now.. they won't. Even when he tells me I don't believe him. I keep saying I don't want to do ths? I don't want this like this.. deserve more... omg! I feel like I have been at my breaking point for so long now.... I feel soo trapped! I need an out... I can't stay but I can't leave!!<br />
What a mess!! <br />
it feels like a bad addiction....<br />
I am sorry I wish I could tell you the magic word to make it better for you...