Being The Ow

I have been with my MM for 19 months now. I have know him just about all my life. We lost touch over the years. In 2008 I got divorced and in the same year I lost my dad. He came to my dads funeral and that is where we started talking again. He works nights and gave me his number. I was unable to sleep and would call him and we got caught up real fast. When we first started out it was FWB and said no feelings. Well needless to say that didnt happen.

About 5 months ago I was out on a date and he got upset. He confessed all his feelings towards me. Do I love this man? Yes I do. We talk and text everyday and we see each other about 2-4 times a week.

I listen to how unhappy he is and I tell him that life is to short to be unhappy.

He has become my best friend as well as my lover and I have a hard time knowing that he goes home to her.

I will go into more detail later. This is just the start of my story.
41-45, F
6 Responses Jul 22, 2010

My only advice is to have some SERIOUS concerns. It is hard to think logically when one is in love. BUT the jealousy issue can get serious. It can also get VERY dangerous. Many years ago I was a cop while in the U.S. Air Force. We had to deal with a lot of domestic violence calls in base housing & almost 100% of them were episodes that came about due to jealousy. Not all jealous types are abusers but 100% of abusers are jealous types. Jealousy is NOT about love. It is about control. <br />
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Also in between my 2 marriages I dated a woman who over time became INSAINLY jealous. It started as mostly minor incidents but escalated to major problems & then she became violent. You would think after a few years as a cop and seeing what can happen with jealousy I would have known better. But like yourself I was in love & blind. When I broke up with her it took the police removing her from my property twice. The last time she was banging on my door threatening to burn down my house. Finally it took an order of protection for it to stop. Cops don't take female offenders as seriously. <br />
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Ask yourself this. If this was your best friend involved in a similar situation what advice would you give them. Even if their lover wasn't married would you advise them to stay? Lastly ask yourself if this was a friend would you tell them that they deserve better than this? Would you tel them that they deserve better than a jealous controlling boyfriend? If so, then why don't you. You have one major advantage. Since he is married he can't come after you if you break it off without risking having you call the police & his affair will be discovered. I wish you the best.

HI<br />
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I am exactly were you are. I am in love with a married man. Yes he says him and his wife a separating in a couple of weeks but we shall see. I love him so much it hurts and our work also makes us hide our love for each other. We also were friends before lovers. we understand each other our love making is full of passion and yes he would get upset if I was to go out with anyone else. At one point he told me if I felt I wanted to go out with someone else just be honest and tell him and we would work it out, but now he says it would be the end of us but like I told him you go home to your wife and he says not for much longer. I guess what I am sayig here is I think you need to follow your heart and so what is best for you. I am choosing not to see anyone else at this point but that could change I don't know. Being the "other" woman is very difficult and something I wish I would have never done but here I am. So I wish you all the luck in the world with whatever choice you make

HI Marti..<br />
No.. he never said anything about me dating. I can tell it would upset him, but he never said anything. He said he just wants me to be happy, and he knows he can't ask me to wait. Soo frustrating!<br />
Anyway... it's been close to two weeks since I ended it.. or is it just one week? I don't even know anymore.. it's hard.. but I'm surviving and I had to tell him once again, that I am 1000% sure I won't be coming back this time!.. <br />
He's hurting, and sad.. but it's his own doing. I'm not going to wait around any longer. I feel great about myself. Very proud for being the kind of person I want to be now. Being 'the other woman' is NOT where I want to be in life!

Hi Leah,<br />
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Yours and mine story sound the same. My MM other half is not a very nice person either. I have to listen to him complain about her all the time. I tell him all the time I was unhappy in my marriage, but kept trying to keep things together for our kids. When my ex told me he wanted a divorce, I heard a little voice tell me You are free, you are finally free. I have also told him that I know divorce is hard, but look at me, I am doing good. Raising my 2 kids basically alone. But it is his choice and I am not going to force it on him. I listen and when he ask for my advice, I tell him. <br />
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Leah, did yours ever get upset if you went out on dates? Or when you went out with the girls, did he tell you to behave? I went to a reunion about a month ago and one of my old friends followed me home, I didnt answer MM phone or text and he pulled up while I was outside talking to my male friend and was not a happy camper. He is like me and doesnt like to argue, but that was the most upset I have seen him get. I told him that I will date others weather he liked it or not. He has her and I am not going to sit around and wait for someone. <br />
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I wish you the best of luck and keep me posted on how it is going. <br />
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You guys, really? All of the wives were bad , you were their first, you believe everything they say. How odd. My ex ran arounds so much that we had to move to a different state! He tells his OW the same thing as you guya hear though.

HI CP1...<br />
I do really know how you feel.. I too have been the 'other woman' to a man I consider my best friend!.. for 2 years!! (read my story if you like).. and like you, he has been faithful for his whole marriage until met me,, (of course, no one believes this).. but I know it's true.. Just like I'm sure you know it's true..<br />
I do think it's real love.. and not just a fling.. HOWEVER,, the horrible feelings that come with the whole relationship don't go away. In fact, it gets worse!!.. He has not left, and I now believe he never will. Not because he loves her, (she's not a very nice woman) but because it's just too hard to,..and I guess he is taking the easy way out... I am constantly telling him how short life is, and you must be happy when you can.. He seems to listen and says he knows.. yet still, he is there!<br />
I have ended it last week!.. And this time it's for good!!.. <br />
I am crushed, devastated, and broken.. BUT.. I am free of that other pain..the pain of always being second fiddle.. the pain of waiting for something that will never happen.. <br />
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I have never given him an ultimatum. I wanted it to be his decision.. not something he was forced into.. <br />
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Anyway.. my advice to to would be to give him a deadline.. if not out loud to him, than at least in your mind.. and stick to that deadline.. because it DOES get worse!!.. <br />
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anyway..that's my 2 cents...<br />
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The hardest part is staying strong and not going back. I think I've ended it 7 times now!! hopefully this will be lucky 7... if he really really wants me.. then he will have me.. but properly!!.. If not..then I guess he never really wanted me all that much!!.. <br />
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Thank you Katenich.<br />
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what most find hard to believe is that he was a devoted husband and father. I am his one and only affair. If I could tell more about that I would, but I cant.<br />
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I know must don't leave. That is why I dont understand how it is so hard to leave him. I think the one thing that I am scared of is the fact that when its over I will loose my best friend. He has been my rock sense my dad passed away. I have dated other guys (not married) and I keep coming back to him. He tells me that I can date but that it really does upsets him when I do. I went on a road trip with a friend and OMG, he got bent out of shape big time.<br />
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The more I think about it, the more I realize that if I do love him, I need to let him go and work out his problems at home. If he comes back and he is single again then great. If not, then I will be ok either way