Tug O' War

So yesterday night I told him I felt like a personal *****, and he got mad, he got really really pissed that he demanded me to tell me why I feel like that. We don't really discuss about this all the time, because when we do it's always because of the other woman and because of my insecurity. The last time it was in the car and I called myself a mistress and he got so mad and we made up by going third base in the basement parking. Sigh, good times.

And I didn't want to offend him so I kept myself quiet for quite some time. So he said, "If you want this to be long term you gotta speak up I can't read your mind" True. I don't want to drag this. So I finally spilled it, I said that it's because he has the other woman, I don't know where I fit in his life. And I also said what triggered me into saying this is because I heard his friend asking him "Hey man, where's your fiance?" I mean, say that again?? What??? But then he did tell me that he tells people that he's engaged so that woman don't flock to him, he hates dating. I do trust him on that, but I don't like feeling like I have to be hidden from everyone else. We kissed and hugged where there is noone, in the elevators, by the staircase, in the car, we don't hold hands in public, I'm like his secret lover. I said to him, "I feel like you're hiding me" and that I feel like I'm your backup plan if your suicidal girlfriend is not working out, there's me to fall back to.

In his defense, he said, he has never ever kissed anyone and let anyone do him like I did since January. He's never been in contact with his girlfriend since then because she doesn't want to see him. I am his first priority compared to the other woman. His friend knew nothing about what's really going on. He has always been nice to me. Really nice. If I don't feel like hugging or kissing, so he won't do that, and he said if I am his personal *****, I would be in bed now with him spreading my legs for him. It made me want to cry, because it's true. I wish I can take it back. But it happened.

Now we're on a break. We're not gonna see each other. He doesn't want to see me because he feels like I need space. Hmph. I was so close to say that I love him, but I didn't because I don't want to. If I did, then it's game over. I don't want to tell him about my love for him when I feel forced. I have my needs and I don't want to be the other woman anymore. I just want him to be true and make up his mind already. I am happy with him, but I will be happier if I'm the one and only. I don't know what to do. Maybe I should just do nothing, right? Yes, I'll play dumb. He has been dropping hints that I've been so nice to him, like a wifey, but I just laughed at that. I want him so bad, but I know I can't. Vague circumstances like what exactly is keeping him with his suicidal depressive girlfriend is one thing, and why he doesn't want to break off with his depressive girlfriend is another.

I don't know if I say that I love him things will be different. But I don't know how and when I should say it! and I'm too damn afraid to say it. I'm scared. I don't want to lose him. I think things have been really nice. He's a great guy. And I wish all the best for him. But if it's meant for me to go, and not stay with him, then I guess that's it. I so want to text him and say I'm sorry again, but it's his fault for making his situation with his girlfriend so vague. He talks to me about everything but his girlfriend. He defended me when his sister (who is also his business partner) calls me a ***** who steals him away from the family. At least I did my work (yes, I'm also working with my man).

Guess I'll text him later. Much much later, let him sort things out with his family first. I need to work.

Four Months Later...
We're happy now, we're getting more involved with our business projects. I fell sick for 2 weeks and he stayed with me the whole time. He now knows that I can't be in a lot of stress, he makes sure I'm happy. We talked about our age gap, and I made sure he respects my decision to stay with him. He broke up with his non-existent fiancee and I get him all to myself! Who says being persistent doesn't pay? :)
hatshepsut21 hatshepsut21
6 Responses Aug 6, 2010

Your very welcome. best of luck :-)

thank you so much. i've looked it up. and it suddenly makes sense. . . .

Like many hear have said you are in a bad situation. I am not one to say run, get out or whatever because that is a decision only you can make. BUT do think about this. From everything you said the whole relationship is based on him. His needs. His wants. His desires. His feelings. Ask yourself where do my wants, needs & desires come into being? Chances are he is a narcissist. Look up the word & it may surprise you how much it fits him.<br />
<br />
People of that type are incredibly self centered. Their entire world is based on what they want. They have no consideration of the needs of a wife/girlfriend. Check out websites with people who live with one. Especially people who have been with one long term. They are living miserable lives. Finally ask yourself, do I deserve to be treated like this? OR Do I deserve to be treated like the wonderful, kindhearted person I am? best of luck.

so far he's been loyal to me, physically and emotionally..... the girlfriend, she only comes into the picture ONLINE. there is NO physical contact in 8 months! how can you stand not seeing someone you're supposed to love that long?! it's crazy.. i just don't get it.

I have one word of advice for you RUN! you are being used as a playtoy. Don't like being a playtoy? RUN!

thanks. that's exactly my fear, and what's holding me back from saying i love him. your words are like a pat at the back, a reassurance for me. but hey, i can't stop seeing him! he's my working partner too! but i shall approach this matter with caution and will only pursue him back if he really really wants me. <br />
<br />
did i mention that his gf didn't attend to his kickboxing fight (his first after years of not being back in the ring) even though she knows about it? and many times he mentioned that it was his gf who was being the weird one who doesn't want to see him at all because she can't see through his past. and so they're like not in contact face to face for like 8 months now? Sigh. A friend of mine said that maybe he is playing safe, because he doesn't know if I do love him and that's why he's being the jerk and two timing now. just in case, you know, one of us backs off, he has someone to fall to. i don't know. it's unfair for him to do this to me! yes, like you said, he's having the power now, i'm like a total ego boost for him maybe. sigh. It's too complicated. <br />
<br />
and to your question, yes, i totally deserve someone who is loyal only to me and only me, openly!