Will He Ever Leave Her?

I am the other woman in what I feel is the most incredible relationship I have ever experienced in my 40 years of life! At the time that I met him I had been in a 6 year relationship, married for 5 of them. He was in a 15 year relationship, married for 10 years. Neither of us have children with our spouse. We are both in the same field and the attraction was instant. He and I shared our frustrations with our current relationships, and agreed that taking it any further than just talk would be the end of what we had with our spouses. His relationship with his wife had been on the rocks for the past 5 years, but because he is a procrastinator and works out of town often, just moving to the other bedroom in the house seemed to be sufficient prior to meeting me. I on the other hand, fell hard for him and once that happened, I couldn't stay in my situation at home. I was honest with my spouse and promptly moved out prior to our relationship becoming sexual. Though I was cheating on my husband, my heart was with the other man and I honestly felt like I was cheating on him by even staying in the same house with my husband. I wanted to prove my love to the other man at any cost. A mutual working relationship brought us even closer together and allowed us to work out of town together a few days of the week for about 3 months. (he has not lived at home because of this job for the past 3 months) Both of us grew deeper and deeper in love. He completes me both physically and mentally. I have never felt so passionate, beautiful, sexual and loved by one person. We talk about our lives in the future and day dream about the house that we will have, and growing old together. Everything is perfect with one exception. He is a procrastinator. I can honestly say... I don't think that I am being naive when I say this. He has yet to move forward with his divorce. I have moved out of my house, am in the process of selling it and have just filed for divorce. And he (though he is living in another town because of his job right now) has still not moved any closer to leaving her that he had before he left 3 months ago. They don't speak, They haven't had sex in the past 6 months and they haven't kissed in the past 9 months. And he sleeps in a separate bedroom from her. It is clear that the marriage is over, but I think that his procrastinating nature is going to drive a wedge between he and I. She doesn't know about me, but has asked him if he has a girlfriend. He denies it. Says 'he doesn't want the divorce to be about our relationship. I am not the cause of their problems.' And though I agree with that, I still want to shout out loud to the world HE IS MINE! He is very open about our relationship with our work friends, so I don't worry about him trying to keep me on on the down low... I am just frustrated with him not acting on it. He occationally has to come home for the weekends and they never speak. They are basically unhappy roommates. But because neither of them talk, nothing ever happens. He doesn't want to deal with her and clearly she doesn't want to deal with him. So... this explains how the past 5 years of misery have continued.
I have been honest with him about my feelings. I don't feel like it is a one sided relationship, but I do feel that it is unfair that i have continually tried to prove my love to him by moving forward and it seems like he is in the same place he was when I met him 5 months ago. Am I being unreasonable by expecting this? I know it has only been 5 months, but I feel like he is just sitting still and reaping the benefits of a relationship with me. Do I give him an ultimatum? I don't know that I could follow through with it if I did. I feel like a nag and try not to but I also think that if I don't say something to him about it, this could last indefinately... I am not willing to do that.

Someone tell me if I am expecting too much. I try to embrace the fact that he is strong willed and can "put things off" that are not fun to deal with, but how long is too long for me to wait for this without getting angry or upset? I know that pushing him to do something will only make him push back. I do love him, and can't imagine my life without him. I just need some advice. My life with him would be nearly perfect if we could just get past this major milestone. Unfortunately... it's a big one.
sunny0607 sunny0607
16 Responses Aug 30, 2010

It's been three yrs in April ... For the first yr even though me and my ex was seperated I didn't know if I wanted to make that perm... so I don't hold that really against him .... His story is the same as others unhappy no relationship at home blah blah ... I worked with him 8 months prior to starting to see him not one word about a woman at home not be me or other co workers no one know ... Once I found out I blow up ... Around the same time he was told at work his job would end soon since we work at the same place I know it was true .. So we started looking for him a job anywhere ... He has said I order to leave he had to be employed could really leave everything pile up on me with three kids with no job .. 12 months later the job ends 4 months after this he was still unemployed but just recently got a job ... This job is about 5 hours away and doesn't pay hardly enough to live in this area ... ESP having several children ... So now he has to go meanwhile he is still there in the home with her til he leaves for the new job Monday ... This job could provide experience for a job closer to him .... I am so confused I can verify and job situation was indeed real but when is enough ... Enough ... This job situation as been so hard it has taken about 19 and this is the first job offer ... Please some advise to I wait this out and take his word or move on ???? I am so afraid this is something else that is in the many other changes in line in front of my ... What do I do ???

This was our MSG tonight :
Family how up SHOW UP ?
Me: I love u promise when u leave there u won't go back that u will put us first... And don't leave me here hanging

Me: No
Him: k
Me: K what ????
Him: Family DIDNT Show
Me: What bout the rest of my MSG
Him: yes
Me: Will I c u tomorrow
Me: U and I know that is not why Good Bye I can't take no more hurt from u

I am so frustrated and hurt ... What r I do ? Remember he leaves Monday for the new job ..

I have been in this situation for nearly a year now. Although he is not married they have a child together. He says he wants her to end it with him as he doesnt want to break her heart and wants things to be on good terms for the childs sake. I agonize over it on a daily basis. I have come so many times to telling her but i cant bring myself to do it. He tells me he loves me all the time, talks about the life we will have and wanting me to go back to meet his family. But he continues to hurt me. He lies about small things and i always find out! Nothing gets passed me, i feel paranoid most of the time and cry everyday. I love him with all my heart and cannot end things as i have tried but cannot stay away and to top it all off i am 3months pregnant with his child. I cant even share my joy with him, dont tell him about any scans appointments or anything i go to them all myself. I think to myself is this the life i really want? I know what i have done is wrong but you cant help who you fall for i just think i deserve a better life.

you my friend have so many blinders on it is indescribable. he is just stringing you along and you cant even recognize it. so sad for you. you think he has a procrastination problem but you are just incredibly naive to his real motives. he is a cheater and that is it. you deserve so much more. please take a long hard look at your self esteem because affairs are not real. they are an temporary oasis in a dar side of life. you deserve a truly single man who is available fully to you right now and who doesnt have a procrastination (hahaha) problem!

Congratulations Sunny!!! Great to hear that among all the statistics @ affairs not blossoming or working out that there are some that can ... Sounds crazy reading that after I wrote it as I don't condone affairs but certainly relate to the pain involved! We don't wind up in these situations because we are happy...I hope you found the fulfilling happiness we all crave!! Best of luck!

Its never an excuse that the current relationship was not good. Starting a relationship with a cheating foundation wont get either of you anywhere.

Good for you! I am very happy things have worked out. Your relationship is one of the exceptions. Let me ask you, Does he still work out of town? Do you trust him completely? Did the ex ever find out about you before he moved out? Are there children involved? If so how do they feel about you? I married my MM and these are just a few of our issues, so I am curious to know if they are issues for any of the women who DO end up with the MM. Thanks.

All really, really great questions totallytea. It would be great to hear the answers to these as well. As I am only in month three of my mm having separated from his wife. It is nice to hear of situations where things can have the potential to work out between the man and woman; even if the relationship began under less than ideal circumstances. How are you doing with your relationship?

Honestly, I don't know. Things go ok for a while then something will send it off in the opposite direction. I'm getting extremely tired of there always being drama! We are either getting along exceptionally well or we are at each other. There doesn't seem to be any in between. It is exhausting. ; )

He recieved a promotion about a year ago that has allowed him to not have to travel as much. Maybe once every other month. And only over night. I dont typically feel concerned about it. I think he and I will always share some type of anxiety about losing one another to someone else due to how our relationship came about but we try not to dwell there and make every effort to comfort each other so that our minds don't go there.
His ex never knew for sure about me. Their relationship was dead long before we met each other. Fortunately they didn't have children together. She had a son and he has a daughter. Both are 21 when they divorced. The kids both want their dad to be happy and I was clear that he wasn't when they were together. They have accepted me with open arms as well as the rest of his family. I think his kids suspected that he was seeing someone, but he didn't share with his step-son until The divorce was final. Although his step-son suspected, he didn't want to take a chance of putting him in the middle or possibly upsetting him.
Honestly... The drama has really been minor. I am sure that alot of that is because the kids are grown and he is a pretty drama free kind of guy. If we didn't have shared custody of two dogs we would never have to deal with her. To this day... I have never seen her or even a picture of her. How weird is that!??
As far as the trust thing goes... Yes it is always in my mind. I have never felt this much love and fear at the same time! The deeper I fall in love with him the more I am afraid to lose him. I guess that is only natural. I know he feels the same way, but we try to not focus on our past and just live for the moment and our future together.

Thank you for sharing that. I guess my husband should have just stayed single. I never wanted to marry him. He as the one that wanted to. I guess he just lives for the drama! I hate it!

1 More Response

Yes! Yes! Yes! He did leave her. :)<br />
He left her a little over a year ago. Has been divorced for nearly a year now. We have continued our relationship and things are going so well. We have even recently purchased a home together. Though our lives aren't perfect and our situation wasn't ideal... I truly feel blessed to have what we have. Thank you all for your uplifting comments and concerns. I don't wish this kind of relationship on anyone. It has been trying and tearful at times, but things have turned out as I had hoped they would. We are proof that there can be a happy ending. Well at least so far so good... :)

it! wont ! work!...men lie most of the time about them being unhappy ..thats how they get you...if he hated her or was that unhappy he wouldnt be able to be in the same house with her. just like you couldnt be in the same space with your ex. let it go now..if you havnt already founded out hes full of it..

I understand your pain. Some men will leave their wives and give you the life you deserve, others will stay because of the children, because of the assets, because........... It is sometimes easier for them to stay than to completely overhaul their lives. In the meantime we sit there patiently, hoping and praying for a miracle which will never happen.<br />
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You owe it to yourself to find happiness in your life. I wish you all the best :)

Sunny, I'm the other woman, too. I have been for quite some time. (It's a very long story, and the hour is late. Maybe I'll elaborate some other time. I'm wondering if you've made any progress...and are you still in the relationship? I'd love for you to post an update. (I just found this site, so I'm unsure how that works.)

You really don't know what goes on behind close doors, you have any prove that he is not enjoying his wife other than his words,while you are sitting alone at nights?<br />
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Lets us know this is going since its been awhile ago you posted this.

Please read my newest post "I Have This Fiugred Out" Maybe it will help.

the only thing i can say to this is "NO, HE WONT LEAVE" in my personal opinion, he has you wrapped around his little finger!! sorry if that upsets you!! most relationships like this dont even work out, never mind last any length of time!!!

Sunny...I'm right there with you on this one. Really I am. I've been with mine for a year and a half. I went for my divorce february of this year. He, just within the last few months, has started to bring out all of the issues he's been having with his wife to his wife. I'm basically just riding this one out for the moment. I've never been the "other" before and don't know where this will lead, but i do know that what i feel for him is the most intense thing I have ever experienced in my entire life and I'm not giving up on this easily.

same with me... i love my mm so much.. like an addiction for me.. my love for him so intense,

First things first, engaging in sexual relations with a man you know is married is just plain wrong. It doesn't matter they him and his wife have no desire to discuss their "lack of a relationship" and perhaps divorce. He may make you feel wonderful, but if he is such a procrastinator he, like most other married men, won't file for divorce. He has the best of both worlds because he has a wife to keep the house clean and he has a girlfriend to serve all of his other needs. WAKE UP. If he truely loved you he would get his life in order so that he could be with you (any psychology textbook could tell you that). Sounds to me like he is just taking what he wants because he obviously hasn't taken your feelings into consideration or his wife's feelings for that matter. Nobody likes to be cheated on and I don't anyone is going to have a great opinion of you seeing as how you openly know the man is married yet you try to continue this unhealthy and on some grounds immoral relationship with him.

u know most of the time this kind of relationship does not work out