My Soul Mate Found Me, But... He's Married!

I am in the most agonizing pain of my life. Now before you jump to any knee-jerk judgments please hear me out. After almost 10 years of marriage to a person that was a good man but a terrible husband, I had a nervous breakdown. We suffered a personal tragedy in our family when one of our children was a victim of a violent crime. I had been the glue that held our marriage together but in the face of the tragedy I really needed my husband to be "my husband". Long story short something just snapped in me and I checked into a mental institution due to the rejection and loneliness I felt. he didn't even know where I was and when i got home and told him how hopeless his rejection made me feel he said to me, "You shouldn't need me that much, you've got Jesus". It was not a conscious decision that I made, but somewhere in my heart I divorced him that day. It had gotten to the point where the relationship was detrimental to my very survival.

In the months that followed I tried to "save us". I suggested counseling, dates and other measures but was rejected on every hand. He didn't really think it was that serious, reason being that we are both devout Christian ministers with a spotless record of integrity and a beautiful family that was admired by all. As he rejected my attempts to salvage the marriage, I grew more distant until one day 'he" showed up.

"He" was another Christian brother that had come to share a business opportunity with us. I didn't think much of him at first but then there was something in his spirit that was drawing me. I can remember the very first time he was at my home that I wanted to speak with him alone. I was not attracted to him, I don't know what I wanted to talk with him about but there was just an intense longing to say something. I was 34, I thought he was a single 32 year old man. I got the shock of my life when I found out that he was 53 and married for 29 years!

Anyway I decided to join the business opp. My husband was not terribly interested but the product was amazing. This of course lent itself to the necessity of spending time with "him". We didn't speak much and there was not much interaction at all. 4 days after I joined the business my husband, and I and our children went to church with "him" and his wife. This was the first time that we all met. that night the preacher was making an illustration and put people by groups on one of the 4 walls of the church by birthday. "He" and I ended up on the same wall. I can remember looking in his eyes and again that deep longing to talk with him alone. I just felt like he could help me, save me... I don't know what but I just needed to talk to him. As I left the church that night, i ran him down and said to him, "you know we have fallen in love with you guys". I couldn't believe it came out of my mouth and he too looked shock. We all didn't even know each other and there was no "we", the truth was that my spirit was in love with his spirit and I had no idea why.

Things progressed along rather quickly after that night. I was soon to find out that his marriage was in a horrible state and that he had been on the verge of divorce for the past 5 years and was just hanging on by a thread. I ignored my feelings and shrugged it off and made a valiant effort to help him and his wife with counseling sessions (this was my particular specialty in ministry, believe it or not!) The counseling only made the connection that much stronger or more obvious. The wife could feel something even though no inappropriate action, word or thought had ever been exchanged. There was an undeniable energy there and she wanted me out of their lives. She began to humiliate him in front of me I guess in an attempt to make him unattractive to me but as you may have guessed this really began to push us closer because since I was in a counseling position with them he would come to me for healing after these brutal humiliation sessions by his wife.

Long story short I eventually was so overwhelmed with feelings for him that I told him I could not work with him anymore and told my husband as well what I was feeling for the man. Both he and my husband assured me that all would be well and encouraged that I continue to work the business and just pray through my feelings. But they were both wrong, by January we were both head over heels in love with each other and it was undeniable and could not be hidden. We had never been physically intimate, it was a heart and soul connection that seemed unbreakable no matter how much we tried to get away from each other. Several times we caused an uproar in our homes because we stayed out until the wee hours of the morning. We never touched each other, we would just sit and talk for hours and never want to leave. Later, my husband kicked me out of the house and told "him" that he could have me and that is when we finally broke and crossed the line to physical intimacy.

Well, it has been about a year now and I divorced my husband. He wanted to work through it but I wanted to leave before my soul mate came and once he showed up I just didn't think it was fair to make my husband play second fiddle in my heart. He regrets losing me after admitting that he never loved me during our entire 11 years of marriage and didn't appreciate what we had. I didn't leave him for my soul mate, it just happened that way. But of course now that I am available I want to marry my soul mate. He loves me in a way that I only dreamed I would ever be loved. He will sit and listen to me talk for hours on end, knows all my favorite foods, texts me and calls me all day long, sleeps on the phone with me when we are apart... he takes care of my needs, speaks life into my soul, provides for me financially, never lets me cook or pump gas, he just spoils me. And well, the way I treat him is just short of worship, lol. And I am ashamed to admit, but our sex life is amazing and we have no restraint around each other. Funny thing about it is he didn't even enjoy having sex before me and now he cant get enough of it, but it is only because of the deep connection and love that we share.

We have tried so many times to end our affair but we have both been consumed with agony and have just given up on the idea of separating. But he is still married! He said he wants to divorce his wife and I believe him. He doesn't lie to me. That is part of the strength of our relationship is that he knows he doesn't have to lie to me. But he is concerned about his wife's emotional condition and their finances if he files for divorce so he keeps telling me to be patient. It has only been 6 months since my divorce and I do believe him. However, I am torn as a woman of God about this. I recently moved to another state just to keep space between us so the sex would stop. I want to be right before God. I know he needs time to end a 30 year marriage but I know that even without the sex just because we are so in love it is adultery none the less. I don't want to stay here for another year. I am going crazy. The level of stress I am under feels like it is going to kill me. I miss him so much I can't stand it and I am tempted to go home but don't trust us together. But then too moving has separated me from my children who remained with their father after the divorce so this separation can't go on much longer, it's not fair to my kids. however if I am not right before God I am not good to anyone!

I just feel so lost. I know that I don't want to be with any other man. I have been counseling couples and relationship for the past 12 years. The love that we share people only dream about. Walking away is not an option but staying seems to be less of an option as time goes on. Will he really get the courage to divorce? How long should I wait? How will I heal if I have to end my relationship with him? I know this is long, thanks for reading it. Sigh...

Tortured in NY

PS This is basically an open affair. All of the people closest to us know about it including his wife. He has never confessed to her how deeply he loves me but he has told her that we had sex. She does not want to divorce him. Just FYI
essenceoflaneen essenceoflaneen
15 Responses Dec 31, 2010

I don't think people here understand just because you are religious doesn't mean you don't make human mistakes just like others on this website. This place is for support on a specific topic, not to tell this woman she is a bad Christian. I hope for the best in your life.

No one ever seems to truly care about the children in regards to their affairs. Being intelligent and an independent person, I (rationally) know that parents are their own people, also. They are not just parents. They have their own emotions, their own feelings, wants, desires and life. However, I just cannot wrap my mind around people choosing to have an affair, while having children (or knowing the other party has children). <br />
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ESPECIALLY, being a Christian. What the hell is wrong with you? Being a Christian, reading the Bible, being in church- well, I would assume that you hold to the belief of a heaven and hell, eternal salvation, etc. I would imagine you would, understandably, wish for your children to accept Christ into their lives, so that they may be saved also. Did you even stop to think what this could do to them? Seeing their mother, professing her love for Jesus and God over the years of their lives, learning the stories of the Bible, learning the Commandments, etc. -- and then to have their lives and their families turned upside down by Mummy-Dearest-- destroying their family by committing a sin such as adultery. As a Christian, I would think that should be your first concern: how will this affect my children's relationship with Christ? <br />
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BECAUSE IT DOES AFFECT IT, lady. My father is a non-denominational pastor, of 26 years. I have grown up in church. I am 25 years old, and just started my own family less than a year ago. It came to light (when I was 8 months pregnant), that my father had been embroiled in an affair for 3 entire years. It has destroyed my family, but not my faith. You see, that was destroyed when he cheated on my mother the first time, when I was 12- with a woman he was counseling. My relationship with God has never recovered. I DO NOT blame my father for that. You see, it is my own fault that I never returned to God. However, he was the catalyst. He made my tender heart question, he shook my faith. And it just never recovered. YOU just did that to your children, and he to his (if he has any). YOU need to get back to your kids pronto, and start making some repairs. THEY should be your number one priority, at the moment. That, and their eternal salvation, you Christian, you...

#1. I know that what she did is very, very wrong and even worse being a christian. But, we are not to judge her for failing to do the right thing.
#2. Now that you are 25, you are responsible for your relationship with God, and you know it because that's what the Bible says. There is no reason why you should be faithless because of what your father did. You are letting someone else's actions to ruin your future and your own family's future. What will you say 10 years from now? That you and your family do not have faith because of what your father did many years ago?

how did it go???

Update:<br />
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I was by no means trying to justify the wrongness of adultery. My only intent was and is to validate the rightness of TRUE love. If false love had to die for true love to live, then that is a charge against my account I will gladly bare. Like they say in the world of finance: there is good debt and bad debt, useless debt and worthy debt. The same is true for pain: there is useless pain and productive pain. This pain that was caused by our affair was productive and I do expect "lovingly ever after" with him.<br />
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As for now, our relationship is stronger than ever. The divorce is still not finalized. He moved closer to me. We only live 8 minutes apart now. It used to be almost an hour. That has been wonderful. I can do things that I never could before, like have early breakfast with him or if I miss him in the middle of the night he can be over in just minutes to hold me. It amazes me how beautifully we get along. The harmony between us is incredible. We can sit in a room together doing two different activities and still feel as if we are doing it as one. To lay there next him reading a book, or just doing nothing at all is like lying in a field of fragrant wild flowers looking up a blue sky full of butterflies and decorated with a rainbow. I mean that it is simply wonderful!<br />
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The divorce is still not final. It has been a long road but I love this man like I never knew love existed and I know he feels the same way for me. I am very excited about being able to marry him. My only concern now is his wife's reaction and whether or not she is going to continue to fight him and make the process drag out. But I don't care, now that I can finally see an end in sight, I don't care if it takes years more, I will wait expectantly for the day I am his wife.<br />
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To experience love like this is more rare than winning the lottery or getting struck by lightning twice. Everyone told me I was a fool and that he would never divorce. But I knew this was more real than anything most people will ever experience. I had to block them all out and go with my heart. We have an amazing relationship; our love life and our friendship is beyond incredible. I am just glad I waited and glad love gave him the courage to end his 30 year prison sentence. I hope the best for his soon to be ex-wife, I pray that she will be found by a man that will love her the way my soon to be husband loves me.<br />
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This is my update. I will post again when there is more to tell.

just wanted to know how things are with you. I am in a very similar situation as far as being in a romantic love affair and have experienced a heart and soul connection like never before. I met him after my divorce. My marriage of 5 years ended for many reasons similar to yours and i now have 3 beautiful boys at home with me. My general health and mental status changed dramatically over these years from emotional stress. I thank the Lord for my children as they are my pride and joy. I am a good mother and want so much for them to have the best of everything... I do my best to provide for them. One thing i have never done is accept any financial support, from my love as i just doesnt feel right when he is not my husband. And lord knows i have needed the help...not sure if thats a good thing or bad thing.....Other than that i have given my heart and soul to him for 6 years and am still waiting for him to make a decision. I have been tempted several times to relocate just because i cant stand it any longer and need to start with a fresh mind...We have taken as long as 3 months break but still find it so painful to move on.. we miss each other every time to the point we fall back into each others arms every time. I too believe in beating all odds but its taking such a toll on me...... Oh i could just go on and on as i have been diligently looking for answers....Your story is inspiring, i can only hope for such a wonderful ending... I do hope all is well with you.

Listen doll, get the book Women Who Love too Much..and get yourself into alanon...your language is full of codependency and addiction. If it wasn't this man it would be another. The fact that you were in a marriage that was emotionally abusive is very telling. You are starving for love and you rescue. Your excuses for his behaviour is about rescuing him and merely part of your addiction. This is why you need to do 12 step work....and the man who stated that you jumped from your marriage to this in 6 months is giving you good advice. Let me tell you men are really good peeps to get advice on for things like this. YOU are not a man and you do not think like one. You cant hear the truth because you are feeding your addiction. Get help with the addiction....and you will hear the truth and the truth will set you free. By the way the 12 steps are spiritual steps that lead you to God..... a direction sweety you are not pointed towards. Turn and go the other way... let people love you and help you get there. God Bless.

I hope everything works out for you! I would lean your way in your feelings of him leaving his wife if your age difference weren't a factor. His concerns are different than yours due to his age. He's probably more concerned with his finances and losing everything he's worked for as he's getting closer to retirement age and also thinking about the future and how it would work down the road when he's 70 and your still young. I do understand alot of what you are saying. If possible you need to try to make a new life for yourself and if necessary get some counseling. I know how hard it is to move on. I have a bit of a similar situation and thought we had the same kind of love that you describe but he too is 54 (I'm 49) and can't go through with divorce. He sees it as divorcing his family and not his wife which is how he was raised. He was going to and his family had an intervention and shunned him which he could not bear so he's decided to go back to the way things were. He and his wife live under the same roof, live seperate lives, sleep in different beds, and play house and pretend things are ok in front of family and friends. He doesn't want to hurt everyone he loves so he will live the rest of his years without being true to himself or anyone else for that matter. It's sad but I think there are many unhappy marriages with people feeling they have a responsibility to stick with their marriage even though no one that lives there is happy. There are many kinds of dysfunction and I think living a lie in a dead marriage with both parties miserable is ridiculious. I certainly hope everything works out for you but do believe you need to prepare for the worst and take charge of your own happiness and make a new life for yourself. If you walk away now he'll either get the divorce or save you the emotional ups and downs that are ahead of you if he doesn't. Be prepared though as I walked and he didn't follow which is at least putting things in perspective for me so I can get on with my life. Good luck to you!

@ blaineperreault actually I didn't call myself a woman of God, I called myself tortured in NY. But I can understand how you feel. I had my self-righteous days of judging people in my situation before I found myself here. Life has a way of humbling you and I would rather experience falling and be broken than to always stand and be hard hearted.<br />
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@ sleepyhon your comment warmed my heart so much. It was just very soothing. I know that God put it in your heart to write. Just minutes before you posted, I called him and wrote him and told him that I released him. I love him enough to let him go. His love got me through I really tough season that otherwise would have killed me. I am strong enough to stand now and therefore I let him Go. I want him to be sure in his heart that he is leaving his wife because his marriage is over and not just because he opted for an exchange. I think he and I both know that I didn't end his marriage anymore than he ended mine but it is right for us to separate so that all things be done in order. the separation has been painful but I have been here 3 weeks now. They say it takes 21 days to create a new habit and it does seem that I am finally starting to exhale a little bit again. I am laughing a little bit harder and crying less these days. I am going to be OK. If he comes back for me I am blessed. If he chooses tradition, I am still blessed for having had the experience. If I have to give my heart to another man one day, I will never be deceived again about what love looks and feels like because I have experienced it as it should be, and that is a gift that I treasure. <br />
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Thank you all for your comments. I will update you all in the future when there is some sort of end to this story. For now it's a season cliffhanger, lol.

I think it is amazing that you are able to find a man like him. I also understood what you meant when you were talking about something drawing him to you. When I made my decision to move out of state, I had a strong urge or inner voice that told me I must move to MI. And I did, and that was how I met my husband. <br />
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God had send your soul mate to you at the time when you were at your most vulnerable. Because of him, you had the courage to take actions on the divorce. It was a true blessing you have someone like him to give you support throughout the agonizing journey.<br />
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I believe he truly does love you, but at the same time, I can understand why he is stalling on his own divorce. At his age, change is difficult. Also, he must be torn between his love for you and his pride. Imagine what people would think or say about him if he were to leave his wife of so many years for a younger women. Understand that you and him are raised in different generations, therefore, different mindsets about family. <br />
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I believe in fate and destiny. If you guys are meant to be together, in time, everything will work out. GOOD LUCK!!

You call yourself 'a woman of God', I think not. Read Lev 20:10. Know that it pertains to you. It's one thing to sin and repent; another to keep on sinning as you are. You have a lot of people praying for your soul.

so theru8543 I suppose you are a man, lol. You know men and women think very differently and we need each other. This situation is not funny but your comment did make me laugh a little bit because you sound like him. he is really torn because he as the man that loves me romantically wants to secure me for himself for the future but he as the man that is just my friend says the same thing you said to me about waiting and not jumping from one thing to the next. He really cares about me. <br />
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I am afraid to wait, afraid I will lose him, I am afraid he will die. I mean he is 54, what if he dies in the next 3 years and we never have a chance to be married. I would rather be his widow than never have the chance, but you are right I am being impetuous. I am going to think about what you said. I know that he is going to get divorced, I don't think I am really worried about that. you don't know the things I know so I am sure that you have your doubts but I am more concerned about getting everything I want NOW and I need to chill... Ok I got it, :). I am impatient, major character flaw... but I that happens to people when they face death as many times as I have. I live everyday like it is my last because it may very well be.<br />
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Now as far as my kids, please don't get your panties in a bunch (smile). Seriously though, when I was 8 my Mom had a nervous breakdown and had to go away to a mental hospital for 3 months. It was a tough time but it saved her life. I have been in and out of suicidal depressions since the divorce and the only thing that kept me alive and out of a hospital was my relationship with him. I once stopped eating for a week, he had to come to the house and spoon feed me. It is only by God's grace that I am here right now because my ex didn't give a crap, he would have let me died back then because he was still really angry about the affair. <br />
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So now after a lifetime of sexual and emotional abuse, letting go of the one person that I feel has ever truly loved me sends me into a deep depression, I'm in a catch 22. I left my children just for a short time so I can get well, like my Mom did. I will only be gone for a few months and when I come back to them I will come back stronger and healthy. See in my hometown I have only lived there 5 years. I have no family or friends, no support. Here where I am at now I have family to help absorb the pain of the separation and keep me from isolating myself and slipping into a suicidal depression. It was not a selfish run across the border trust me. I want to stay alive and mentally well for them and that is why I had to leave, if I keep using him and the sex and the relationship to medicate me then I never get whole. They have a great dad and are very safe and well taken care of and I left caretakers to help him so it is a temporary separation that will make things better in the end, and bear in mind that unfortunately divorce sometimes means that kids and parents end up living in different states. Dad has threatened to move many times, I hope he wont but if he does I would have to make the adjustment because I just travel too much with my work to be a single parent. <br />
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thanks though, I will think about what you said and discovering who I am and the happiness within me. I think this will really help me.

This is def. a sad story. I really cant believe how blind some women really are and i am DEF. saying this from experience. This man is not going to leave his wife. I dont care what you say or how much you "think" you know him because believe me, you dont. If he hasnt even made an attempt to even seperate from him wife, then for you to even think that you guys are going to together is absolutely crazy. You're actually going to sit here and tell me that you have picked yourself up and moved to remove yourself from him sexually and in the process you've basically dumped ur kids by the wayside?? I can understand your husband because it def. sounds like that was a lost cause, but your children? I have a child and i could never EVER do that. You need to re-evaluate your entire situation. You need to stop waiting by the phone so to speak and realize that you dont need this man to be happy and complete. Deciding to leave your husband was a big step in itself and you need to stop trying to move so quickly. 6 months is not a long time and i think maybe you should devote some time to yourself and lose all contact with this man and remind yourself who you really are because i think the infatuation of this man and the so called "love" has made you forget the person you really are. I mean in all actuality your asking a man to divorce out of a relationship that he's been in for 30 yrs. and then to jump right into another marriage with a woman who just left her husband no more than 6 months ago. Im sorry but sometimes i dont know what does through womens heads.

Thanks Jenene. I definitely want the perspective of some wives here. Please remember that i too was married when this started. I disrespected myself, my husband, God, our kids, him, his wife... I mean there is just no end to it. I was in a desperate place of survival at that time, I didn't want to live and to me it was just about finding a reason not to kill myself everyday - his love was that reason. Now that my mind is clearer and I am no longer suicidal I have to deal with the mess that I've made. the circumstances are really cut and dry "marry me or lose me" but the complexities of the heart are hardly that simple. That is my issue right now. I know what is right and that is why I have moved but it hasn't done anything to change the fact that he still cares for me as if I was his wife and me as if he were my husband. Saying you can't have me and putting space between is different than really being free in our hearts. <br />
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I hurt for you because i think of his wife and how he was never in love with her as my husband was never in love with me. It is hard for a woman to come to grips with the fact that a man that she has been with for many years without recieving love, is actually capable of loving another woman. It makes her question her value and ask herself "well what is wrong with me?". It is one thing if he doesn't love anyone, but it is another if he just doesn't love you and can love someone else. thinking of this makes me agonize for her and you and all in your shoes and that again is why I moved but all that has changed is that we are not having sex. How do I fix the rest?<br />
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He has professed his love for me to her (not "in love" but deep love). I have actually witnessed it. It was actually kind of sad to see and yet he is the only man that has ever loved me enough to fight for me and publicly take a stand for his love. My own husband would not fight for me. I told him what was going on and he shrugged it off and said I would be OK and then before I ever even had sex, he kicked me out of the house and gave me away. I became intoxicated with this man's willingness to fight the world to be with me. I guess it just really made me feel valuable. But like you said, at the end of the day it is all about him loving me enough to marry me if we are going to have a future together and that is what I have come to grips with. That is why I came to this site.<br />
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Thanks and I am sorry for your pain. I am sorry for hurting you and every betrayed wife out there.

I read all without judgement and I have to say had you never been with him while he is married I would have respect for you, in saying that I have been on the reciving end of what you are dishing out to his wife of 30 years.... The only thing I ever asked my ex husband for was to never disrespect me by disrespecting our merrage. If you want to be somewhere else or with someone else GO.. If he has not left his wife, it aint goin to happen...and it matters not weather he professes his love for you to his wife "which I dought". You may want to reavailuate things and the church you go to. I myself would not ever disrespect another woman's marrage no matter what. You want me, take care of your bussiness get the devorce and then give me a call..

Thanks jmather. A mormon church?! Funny... i don't like sharing, lol. Honestly it was never a plan that we would both get divorced and then marry each other. We just ended up here. You are correct though in all that you said. Forget how we got here, we are here and here is not a good place. I want to give him an ultimatum, that is part of why I am here. I just don't have the strength to follow it through right now and I don't want to put it out there and then renig on it so I am trying to build up the strength to say it and mean it. He is very supportive of me in this situation and does not try to imprison me. He has made it clear to me that he will be my best friend forever if I can't wait on him. It scares me to hear him say that, as if he is willing to let me go.., but at the same time i appreciate that he is not being so selfish that he would make me feel I have to choose to remain his mistress or lose him altogether because we started off as friends and the closeness that we share just shouldn't be thrown away for any reason. He has made it clear that he wants me to wait for him but he also wants me to be free to make my own decision, Sometimes I think it would be easier if he just flat out rejected me if he is not going to make it right for us to be together... but that is just not his nature. He will not turn any human being away. He has friends that are millionaires and some that are homeless... those in their 80's and some that are children. He just doesn't like to reject anyone at that is a major strength that sometimes is a weakness. It keeps him from making a firm choice between me and his wife. It doesn't justify his indecisiion, I just understand that life has presented him with a situation that has challenged him to the core of his essence and either choice he makes now will forever change him... at his age that is hard.<br />
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As for me, I am young and beautiful, i turn heads everywhere I go. I won't stay here in this situation until my youth is spent! I do understand his delimma but I know that I can't allow his indecision to imprison me. Comments like yours help to give me strength to move on one day soon... I mean so whats the big deal about getting multiple ******* anyway for the first time in my life... who cares! OK I'm just humoring myslef, LOL, yeah this is tough.

Sounds amazing but deception takes out all barriers of can only believe what you are being told, if he felt truly feels the same way you do he would be divorced for the emotional strain on his wife, he is only making it worse for her for humilation he is causing her and their family! If she is ok with you two then why dont you join the Mormon church?? point is you need to present an altimadum and if you are worth it to hm he will be yours, as for the excuses that have been given for why he is still with his wife are the age old classics.