Why Won't He Leave Me

ok ... i need to vent...

i've been doing my thing, focusing on me - not him - and its good because i feel better about myself... but damn!!... when will he let go and let me be??!!! it's seriously worse than when my daughter was a nagging toddler!! ... where are you going? who are you talking to? why are you ignoring me? why don' t you call me? why don't you love me anymore? when can i see you? blah blah blah.... GO AWAY!!!!   he calls everyday...  he txts everyday...  he's pulling me back in!!!

i don't mean to sound heartless but i obviously need to change something. i keep telling myself i'm in control and i don't have to react to him but its draining. do i have to get rude again and tell him to take a hike? i was hoping i wouldn't have to do that but i'm not sure anymore. maybe i'm still in limbo because i'm not being clear enough with him or myself. sometimes i wish he would be like most mm's and just stop trying so hard! ugh!

seeingthelights seeingthelights
36-40, F
14 Responses Feb 19, 2011

Just keep ignoring him. My OW did it to me and it's working. I know she still loves me and cares but she has moved on and I accept that now. I was texting her all the time with no response from her. I wasn't as bad as your MM but I did ask why she's not responding and why she doesn't love me anymore. I'm over it now. The only thing I hope is she finds the right guy that treats her well.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! I leave for a few days and I get a fan ba<x>se! Hahaha! My OW called me a coward and a fake when I told her about my fears. I am not sure if she meant it or if she was just trying to get me mad at her so it would be easier for me toleave her alone. I forgave her and I still think of her everyday. I know no one here was calling me a coward. I just know I am. <br />
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Yes, it is true about feeling like a failure if I left my family. My wife is emotionally abusive and I put up with it. If i left, I would feel like I didn't give it my all and failed. I would love to have an OW that was married too. It would be so much easier just to meet her for dinner, kiss her, laugh with her, know I am loved and then we go home to our ungrateful spouses. <br />
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Widkedsista, I can only say he wants his cake and eat it too. I am not sure why he is that way. Maybe his wife doesn't feel sexy after she gave birth so he ventured out or maybe you do things to him his wife won't. With me, my wife won't have sex with me but maybe once every 3 months and then it's the same thing. How can I say this "gentleman" like? I touch her privates, she touches mine, I get on top, then doggy style. Once in a blue moon, we have oral sex. With my OW, things were always excellent. I'm 44 but she made me feel like I was 16 again. But sex wasn't just the only thing. She would give me great conversation and make me feel like a man. I don't want to ruin a man's game but MM will do whatever it takes to stay married while having something else on the side. I was in the same boat, but I fell in love and had to let her go because I wanted her to be happy. If he really loved you, he would understand where YOU are coming from. Most MM are just in love with the sex, the feeling of being wanted, and the routine of it all. I hope I helped.

BleedinBlue: My MM always told me that his head and his heart were telling him different things. His heart was with me and his head told him he had to stay in his marriage and he tried to get them on the same page. For now he's staying married and I think he's probably feeling the same as you are about your OW. He told me he didn't know what was going to happen with his marriage. I have decided to move on. He also said something to me once about feeling like a failure if his marriage was to end. Does that make any sense to you?

Men are raised to take care of their families. It's kind of strange because I played out leaving her in my head over and over. My main concern is the house we live in. The kids are settled there and as a man, I cant devestate them by leaving and having to sell the house. I would rather live miserably than to make my kids unhappy. I maintain a happy lifestyle in front of the kids but inside I'm hurting. I know I'm a coward so there's no need to name call. I made my choice. It was the worst mistake of my life letting my OW go. I am not selfish and want her to be happy. I'm still not 100% sure I'm staying in my marriage but I made my OW wait for me too long. If I'm going to divorce, I need to do it on my own and hope she is still there at the end. I know chances are she will be taken but that's the choice I made. So, I'm afraid of change, I'm afraid of hurting my kds, and I'm afraid of losing a lot of money.

From a MM's perspective, I kept texting and calling my OW too. She kept cussing me out and saying harsh things hoping I would stop. I didn't. So then she apologized for saying the harsh things and just told me she wanted to move on. I had a moment of peace and realized it was me that was the reason we aren't together because if I had the courage and know how to leave my wife, we would be together. I haven't called or texted her on my own will for a month. However, two weeks ago she called me with her phone blocked and didn't say anything. She just hung up after a few seconds. I knew it was her because of the background noise from her work. I texted her asking if she was ok and I knew it was her. She didn't reply, so I texted her again and said, "I am not angry that you called and hung up. I'm just glad you thought of me. I love you so much that I have to let you go and live your life." That was the closure I needed. She never responded.<br />
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Just keep ignoring him and he will eventually stop. I'm not sure if it's a good idea to do what my OW did by calling and hanging up but it worked for me. Good luck. If he loves you for who you are and not just for the sex, he will understand and let you go.

Charliegirl: My MM said the same sorts of things when he was thinking about divorcing. He said that he's seen what happens to other men and he'd end up in an apartment and rarely see his daughter, etc. Blah blah blah. I have 11 years of experience in family law. If he'd asked I could have given him some valuable advice on how to not lose his daughter. He would say about how his wife's family has lots of money and they'd get expensive lawyers .... to me that makes him seem like a huge COWARD. I never preached to him about anything to do with family law, but had he asked I would have answered his questions. Oh, and I managed to find out (through other sources) that he may not even have a claim to half of the house he and wifey live in. He's never told me that himself, but I am very resourceful. That could be another reason he's reluctant to leave. And another reason he's intimidated by me. He's always said I'm a strong woman and he admires that about me. I own my own home, raise two young children and try to work full time as well. Since my husband and I separated almost a year ago I've done a lot of things around the house - by myself. If that intimidates him then maybe he'd better stay with his wife. You''re right - nagging doesn't help. Actions speak louder than words, and when men feel nagged they do nothing. (in my experience, but not with my MM ... I've never nagged him either or pressured him in any way intentionally). Do you still talk to your MM every day? Did you give him a timefr<x>ame or do you have one in your mind? What did he say when you told him all this?

Charliegirl - wow! He's going to see a lawyer? Let us know how things are progressing. The statistics say most MM don't leave their wives, but there are a lot of stories on EP where they do. Thanks for your encouraging words. It's not easy in some moments, but I know I won't be contacting him. I do have some very good memories of my MM and the times we had together and no matter how things have ended I will always have those and they can never be tarnished or taken away from me. I know what we meant to each other and I'd have to imagine he's feeling a lot like I am now. He meant a lot to me in terms of learning about myself and so many other things. I will love him forever, but I won't be in love with him forever. I'm getting things in order and I am moving on. Focusing on who really matters in my life - my children, family and friends. Setting goals for myself and a plan to work towards accomplishing those goals. Anyhow, thanks for the post and I hope things keep progressing well for you and your MM!

"Draining" is definately a good word. I always have felt more focused and productive in my life when I've let my MM go. We've gotten back and then broken off again - this time for the last time I am sure - but that is one thing I noticed when I was without him that I just got more done. And I'm not really unhappy - because although I had some happy moments with him, the moments of frustration were a lot harder to take. I figure he needs to sort his life out. I'm not waiting by any means, but if we are meant to be together then one day we will be. I won't be going back to him as a married man though. Good luck to everyone!

i agree charlliegirl... i let my guard down for a moment and realized i felt drained. when i stay in control and remember i don't have to take calls or answer texts, i feel WAY better. its when i get that flash of feeling i HAVE to respond i feel trapped again. slowly its becoming a new habit - i'm much better now. every so often i have to refocus and remember no matter how great he is as a friend - i'm more important!!! <br />
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thanks so much dee34 - your kind words mean a lot! you said "I want to be the type of woman who can see past her heart's desire and just tough it out." ... you are one of those women. it just takes gentle reminders that we need to remember we deserve better. and remember - its not your HEARTS desire that wants him... its that voice in your head trying to convince you that you do. your heart wants you to be free and happy!! :)

Man, I feel the exact same way. I am trapped by some kind of warped loyalty that was spun from the wrong things. This is an experience I have never felt before and I am so scared of the irrational behavior that I know I could display if push comes to shove. It is truly hard @ CharlieGirl to ignore their calls. Women are caretakers by nature and it is soooo hard to turn that off, even when we know that this is something not right for us. I want to be the type of woman who can see past her heart's desire and just tough it out. Some days are better than others. I am fearful of bumping into him , because we basically travel in the same cycles. Go to the same places and see and do some of the same things. Last night I was at the Mike Epps Comedy Show and I swear I was on pin and needles, because I knew he was there with her. I could barely enjoy the show. My stomach was in knots and I drank like a sailor. I am soo glad that everything turned out the way it did, by not seeing him at all. We are here for you, @ Seeingthelights, just like you have been there for us.

thanks ladies... feeling way better today. i try to be sympathetic with him because i do care for him and he doesn't mean any harm - he just truly looks at me as a great friend. but every so often he slips back into the needy man who wants someone to take all his hurt away and i'm just not interested in going there!!!! <br />
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its a bumpy road, there's no doubt, and i always feel better on the other side looking back when i stay true to myself :) thanks again for the support - it makes a world of difference to me and i am grateful....

God, I just love power shifts. I swear men can act like toddlers sometimes. You can dam nare kill yourself running and chasing after them, BUT, the moment you decide to turn around and head in the opposite direction, all hell breaks loose. @ SeeingThaLights, just stay calm, moma. It's just a tactic, a very effective one, but one no less. You are doing extremely well. Hell, you are encouraging us most of the time, to woman up, put our big girl panties and let them go gradually. This is only a test. Keep running...<br />
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All the best

It seems like the MM toy with the OW emotions. Like they know they have some time of "power" I agree with Charliegirl if you are really serious then you might have to change your number. I know from experience that it's very hard not to reply to a text message or not to answer the phone.

I'm going through the same thing right now. I told him I was going to start living my life ie dating again. He is so "hurt" and asks me questions all day..won't stop obsessing. I love him to death but he's being so selfish. <br />
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He's using manipulation...what does he have to lose. I agree, tell him he needs to leave or leave you alone. Maybe it will work but it usually doesn't. Gl