Can The Other Woman Ever Really Become The Wife?

I've read a lot of judgmental comments on different sites but we should never say what we would or would not do because we honestly never know until we find ourselves in a place called "here". I became the other woman (OW) a little over a year ago. We were both married at the time. The irony is that I specialized in advising single people and couples who were involved in adulterous affairs for a number of years before I found myself in the situation and I never ever thought that this would happen to me.

Nothing makes adultery right. I dare not even search for any justification. However as far as crime goes, there is a difference between a grown man violently raping a 2 year old baby and an 18 year old boy that falls in love with a 15 year old girl who loves him back and has consensual sex with her. Both men are called rapists but the degree of wrong-doing and guilt is so different in these cases. My point is that I have learned through my years of experience as an advisor and my own heart-breaking experience now being an OW that you cannot apply a blanket generalization to all of these situations.

In most cases if you go beyond the surface acts and get to the heart of the matter, everyone in the situation has a role as both victim and villain - the faithful spouse, the cheating spouse and the OW/OM. A brief synopsis of our story:

1) We were both in very bad marriages; his was APPARENTLY BAD and dead for years and mine was secretly bad and coasting for years.
2) Neither of us were seeking an affair or sex and fought hard to maintain a professional relationship and friendship even to the point of involving our spouses in our struggles and asking them for intervention.
3) He and I and both of our spouses had deep emotional scars from childhood and from our marriages (him 29 years and me 10).
4) And most importantly, we were deeply in love before we ever crossed lines physically (this had nothing to do with sex, we were both sexually satisfied in our marriages).

When a genuine spiritual connection is developed between two people whether rightly or wrongly, it is as strong as death and not nearly as easy to walk away from as people say. Not all people who cheat get caught up into the sex. It can go much deeper than that which in the end means that any way you go great devastation awaits. To return to a spouse that you know in your heart you will never be in love with the way you are in love with your affair partner will save a family but cause perpetual pain to you and the spouse indefinitely. To leave the spouse to start new with the affair will damage a family and put a life long label on an other wise loving relationship. Neither choice is an easy one and truthfully, at the end of the day you have to be able to recover from and successfully move forward with the decision that you can live with. There is no definitive right or wrong answer that you can apply to every case.

In my case the affair opened my eyes to how abusive my marriage was and so although my husband was willing to forgive and take me back, I chose to divorce him quickly. I was glad to be free, but sad that an affair was involved in ending it. In my lover's case, after 30 years of marriage it was a much slower process and harder decision to make for him but he did finally choose to divorce. My divorce was amicable, his was not and he is still in the process thereof. His wife does not want to divorce although she is fully aware of the affair and that made it emotionally harder for us all. You hate to see someone else in pain no matter who they are or how you feel about them... sigh.

I honestly never thought that we would both end up divorced. Soon we will have the opportunity to marry each other and have a "legitimate" future together. And crazy enough, I never worry about him cheating on me, nor he me. It's not that I trust him or even myself. If we can do it once we can do it again. But I trust what we have. The magnitude of our love is nothing short of a miracle really and we don't believe that anything can come between us. Besides, the truth of the matter is that fear of a possible affair is responsible for creating the conditions that cause them in many cases in the first place! So yes - I would lay my head down in peace at night as his wife.

But did I get off scott-free? No! There is always a price to pay. I guess I got the "Mistress fairytale ending". But believe me there are skeletons in the closet of happily ever after land. I don't know to date if I can go through with marrying him. I don't know if I can live with the lifelong stigma of being the "former OW". It's a lot of pressure and I am trying to be honest with myself about the ramifications of this. But who could walk away from a love so great that our friends call it a miracle?

The drum is still rolling on this one, but one thing I can say with confidence is that he and I and our ex-spouses are all going to be better off divorced. Our marriages were bad and really destroying us. People just shouldn't stay in marriages that are causing so much pain and devastation. If you are not willing to do whatever it takes to fix it, then get the hell out of it so that you both can be Free and enjoy your lives. You think staying together for the kids is best, but children raised in unhappy 2 parent homes turn out worse off than kids raised in happy single parent homes! Whether I marry him or not, I will always be glad that the affair was used to bring decades of marital misery to an end for all of us. We will all recover one day and hopefully find True happiness and peace.
essenceoflaneen essenceoflaneen
97 Responses Feb 19, 2011

I stumbled upon this topic and after reading the comments i had some questions which are based on curiosity. I am not being judgemental. Let's say that u married that MM after he divorced his wife and together u have a son and daughter and they knew about your story. What will u and ur "husband" do if situations as mentioned below rises?

a. Your son cheated on his wife and when confronted he asked why was it ok for dad to cheat on his wife with you and wrong when i did the same?
b. Your son's wife cheated on him and when confronted she asked why was it ok for your husband to cheat on his wife and wrong when she cheated on her husband?
c. Your son is having an affair with a married woman and when confronted he asked why was it ok for u to have an affair with a married man but wrong when he did had an affair with a married woman.
d. Your daughter cheated on her husband and when confronted she asked why was it ok for dad to cheat on his wife but wrong when i did the same to my husband.
e. Your daughter's husband cheated on her and when confronted he asked why is was it ok for your husband to cheat on his wife with you but wrong when he did the same?
f. Your daughter is having an affair with a married man and when confronted she asked why was it ok for u to have an affair with a married man but wrong when she did the same?
Next are general questions.

1. How do you know that MM is telling the truth about his marriage and wife and not pretending in front of u?
2. How do u know that he is not abusive to his wife. He wouldn't tell u that would he?
3. How do u know that he is not having another woman which is he is cheating on u and also on his wife? Don't tell me that what you both have is a magnitude of great love and nothing can come between you and he wouldn't cheat on you. He fell in love with his wife too and she might also felt the same way you are feeling about your relationship and trusted him but now u see what is he doing.
4. How do u know whether he is only using u and doesn't really love you? I mean what if he is feeding lies to you so that u will symphatize with him and will have an affair with him.
5. What if all those things he said about his wife is a lie. While she takes good care of him and giving him all the attention he needed but he is bored at looking and having sex with the same woman and wanted a different woman and then you came into his life as the new woman.
6. For the woman who said that they have experienced both sides, how would you know that your MM is not feeding the same lies that your husband was feeding to his other woman?
7. Just assume that he divorced his wife of 20 years and married you. What are the probabilities that he wouldn't cheat on u after 20 years ( assuming that his ex her might to keep him happy but he strayed).
8. What if his marriage can be saved but MM is the one who is not making an effort into saving the marriage so that he could be with you?
9. Some of you said that by staying in a relationship while being unhappy for the children's sake is the same as teaching the children to not walk away no matter how unhappy u are but don't u think that by cheating u are teaching your children to cheat on their spouse as long as they are happy?
10. What if after divorcing his wife and moving on with you he realized that the grass is not greener on the other side and regret this affair and wants to go back to his wife?

I had many questions but only these i remembered. I am a single girl with no love experience as i never had a boyfriend before. I am from the east. After reading all these i had some what if questions such as what if my husband cheated on me although i was a good wife to him and did nothing wrong in our marriage. But one thing i am sure of is when i found out that he is cheating on me i will divorce him immediately. It wouldn't be my loss to lose a cheating husband. I don't want to live my life by having the thoughts of him cheating on me again. The only regret that i will have is while i was tending to his every needs and cleans after his mess he is having and affair with another woman and makes me look like a maid and made a fool out of me when all the times i wasted on him while he is having an affair could have resulted in me finding a man who will give me a 100%. I will cry but i will stay strong and show him that i can live without him but hey we wouldn't know right. As long as there are people who cheat and people who has no will power not to succumb to all the lies, charms, manipulation and the ability to walk away after knowing that the person is married there will be more cheating. Some of u even though u know he is married u are having an affair with him by saying that u love him and does not have the will l power to leave. Don't use love as an excuse for your selfish acts. If he said he truly loves u then tell him to divorce his wife before u start a relationship ( no kissing, touching and sex before he divorce his wife) so that u know where his priority is. If he said he couldn't divorce her because he care about her i wouldn't believe him. Where was the care when he started have feelings to another woman? Who are you to butt your head into other people'smarriage? Let them solve their problem by theirselves. Sometimes there will be marriages that can be saved but gets worse when there is other person involved and that is why u are called home wreckers. Most of you are saying that you wasted your time with MM and he dumped you. U wallow in your self pity saying that he cheated me and all bullshit. Have u ever thought about the wife who was cheated.for so long? All those sleepless night worrying about him and his condition while he is having fun with u. U will only know when u are in her shoes. I think many of u are in denial. As i was reading all those comments all i can see is most of u are giving justification on your actions. Its like u are convincing urself that what u are doing is right. Many of u can't see that he is using his family and children as an excuse not to divorce. Where did all the care came drom when he didn't even care about them when he was cheating on his wife? Many of u might think that what i am saying is right but will not accept it because you have been to engrosed in the thinking that he loves me wouldn't do the same thing to me . Think again. Don't be the cause to break a happy family and leave scars to the children. Recently i came across a post from facebook where a woman who has been a mistress for 23 years wrote a letter to the wife of her lover. Their children got to know that their father is not their morher's husband but somenone else and one of the child wgen into heavy depression, trauma and even became suicidical. The lover is willing to divorce his wife but she don't want that and ended the relationship. I felt like she is sacrificing her love so that her lover can be with his wife. How generous of her of ending the realtionship only after being discovered by the wife and after her child faced the consequences? Was it worth it all those sneaking around and selfishness as long as you are happy? Now her children are facing the consequences. She said that she loves him too much and was selfish to let him go. In that case why he did not divorce his wife before that or why didn't she rold him to do so? Is it because she don't want to ruin a family although she has already ruined it when she started to have an affair with her. She apologized to the wife but will that apology change everything? Will it give back the wife's 23 years of livinglike a fool when she could have found a man who is single that can give her a 100%? The other woman said that the wife forgave him and now he is staying faithful to his wife. Don't she realize after all these the couple's relationship will not be the same? There will be many what if questions in the wife's mind such as what if he is still contacting her and pretending to be faithful because she didn't know that he had another woman before he was caught. What if he is only being faithful because she told to do so and not because he wanted to? What if all the times there were or are being intimate he imagines and pretend that it is his lover and not her? What if he is still thinking about her and sometimes pretend that she is his lover and not his wife? All these questions will give her a mental torture and then she might even be crazy. How can u live by knowing that u are ruining people's life intentionally. Will you be happy? U might say who am i to tell and ask all this when i don't have any experience. All these teaches me about life and because of people like u and man who cheats i am scared to have a relationship and even getting married. I am sorry if this offends u but i am just telling the truth. You wouldn't know how the wife felt until it happens to u. After all the husband might be her first love and it must be hard for her to let him go just like how it is hard for u to let him go. Some are saying that we can't help on who we fall in love with because that u pursue him and have sex with him although u know it is wrong is like u are saying that a sister can pursue her brother and have sex with him because she can't help with whom she fell in love with although she knows that it is morally wrong.Maybe ur MM truly loves u and wants to be with you but if he truly is unhappy he should have divorced his wife before having an affair. If i was the other woman and if he told me he wouldn't divorce his wife for the sake of the children i wouldn't buy it because there are many couples that divorced without having an affair and they are happy and are having a shared custody but one thing is sure that this divorce and infdelity will bring a huge impact on the children's life where some of them might have insecurities wondering what if their spouse cheated on them just like how their father cheated on their mother or vice versa although they did nothing wrong. I don't expect there to be a reply but please help me with my curiosity. I don't blame the other woman since there are two sides of stories but there are some other woman who are bad and make all the other woman to be described as bad. Sometimes the wives at fault but at most times the husbands and the other women are at fault. I wish all the best to all of u including the betrayed wives. Think as ur husband cheating on u is an act of good that u realized his true nature before it is too late and good luck in your life.

I think its horrible what you did.You should have worked on both your marriages.You know what God says.

So let me ask you, did you have a degree in helping others harm? And when you engaged in the same behavior I noticed you post on the what would be the point in your expertise if when you commit adultery turn to the web rather than seeking someone with your own "credentials"? Probably because you know it's WRONG!!!!

The bottom line is...YOU have to replace the batteries in the remote ( your marriage ) because throwing away the remote and replacing with another eventually you will have to replace the batteries with that one ( the grass is always greener...still needs watering ) sounds to me like it's only about you. Let me know when you can give to the one that's been there. That's what true love is....look it up!! It's not about how you feel. What do you know about love if you inflict pain to the one that loves you in order for your gain...thats NOT love!!!!! You'd be surprised when YOU replace the batteries or water the grass!!!!! What you get in return!!!!! An affair is just self centered!!!!!

I have this same problem. My husband and I were the perfect couple at first. We clicked right away and the chemistry was just crazy. But reality kicked in real soon and we started arguing a lot. Until now get into heavy arguments, where none of us is really listening and always out talk each other, until one day my husband left me it was like a dream, i beg and apologize for everything, he refuse for 1 year and 3 month, until i meet a man call doctor ebolo online who is a great spell caster he cast a spell for me and told me that my husband will come back in 48 hours to beg me to come home, to my greatest surprise my husband come after 2 days of the spell and told me he is sorry, am so happy that i meet doctor ebolo, if you need his help contact him on +2349033455855

I know this is an old post but it so true and relevant to most relationships today. Id like an update. Thanks for sharin!

I am struggling so badly with this. I have been in a bad marriage for years and have stayed together for my daughter. I found the love I have been seeking all my life with the OW. I have searched my soul to make sure this isn't about lust or being in love with the feeling of being in love. It's genuine. But my daughter is at the age now where we can't fake it anymore. She sees it. And I agree it better for a child to COME from a broken home than to LIVE in one. Thanks for being vulnerable and sharing. No one understands this situation. But I need to make a decision very soon. Each day delayed is another day unhappy.

I love what you wrote. I particularly could relate to the part where you said "My point is that I have learned through my years of experience as an advisor and my own heart-breaking experience now being an OW that you cannot apply a blanket generalization to all of these situations."

It's true, not all OW are the same, not all cheating stories are the same, and not all of them end the same.

I was once the OW. I met him 18 months ago. We were both married at that time, and intentionally signed up online to meet other married people wanting to have an affair (I know, truly awful). We honestly thought we could keep both relationships very separate. We all know that can only work for so long.

9 months into our dating, we realized we had to end our marriages. And so we did. We filed for divorces and we are now living together. We have his kids every other weekend, and his family and friends now know the whole story. My family and friends haven't been quite as informed. (I didn't want him to have to go through that stigma of being known as the OM).

Even though like you, I received my fairy tale ending, let me tell you, the repercussions and consequences of what we did are still being felt. I'm still not accepted by his family, and I completely understand why.

Just trying to believe that one day, this too shall pass.

Good luck to you and thank you for sharing your story!

I want to say thank you for your story. I was actually married to a man of nearly 13 years with 3 daughters, who committed 2 affairs, that I'm aware of, during our marriage. I shut down emotional and cut family out of my life, all while suffering from depression and keeping the secret of what he did to myself. I ended up meeting the love of my life during this time, who was also unhappily married, he was in a relationship that was out of convenience and just going through the motions. What began as a simply a friendship with someone who had shared interests, evolved over time to a close bond and then love. Neither of us ever intended for it to happen, but it did. I still feel guilt even though I knew that he had checked out of the marriage long before we began, but after months of stolen moments and him trying to find a way out (I had immediately asked my husband for a separation when I realized I deserved better and I knew I was developing feelings for someone else), his wife discovered the truth. After finding out and using threats and guilt to try to keep him there, he has finally rented a place and is in the process of moving in. She's angry at me and blames me for everything, sending me texts and showing up at places she knows I'll be, trying to convince me he's horrible but not really explaining why she still wants to keep him, even though there's no trust and he has told her he's not in love with her. I hate myself for how things went, it shouldn't have happened the way it did, and being cheated on makes me even more aware of this. Yet in my instance my husband's affairs were about sex, not love, and it was done when I thought we were in a happy place. I'm not justifying any of this, but I'm realizing that somethings, including love, are sometimes out of our control. I know that we have a long hard road ahead of us, but I also know that we care deeply for each other and while many may not understand, I know that we will survive this and come out a stronger couple.

This is my convoluted story...the first I have EVER told it. I was the OW, now the wife. Our story began when I was 41 & he was 44. I had been divorced for 10 yrs, he had been married for 25 yrs. It still takes me by a sad surprise when I think about how quickly our "chance meeting" relationship progressed knowing full well that he was married (even knew his wife). For the first 3 yrs of the relationship we shared stolen moments. I gave him a key to my apt, he was free to come & go with no notification to me. Birthday & holiday gifts were exchanged, sex was pprolific lenticular & very enjoyable. After several months, I started telling "Fred" that I loved him, he responded the same saying that he hoped he could somehow leave her. He said that their marriage was not as it seemed & that there was no love there, that he was merely her "meal ticket" (she had never worked in their marriage). She finally confronted me & Fred & I cooled things for the next 5 years, but still saw each other occasionally.
8 years after having met Fred, I had the opportunity to move about 3 hours away from the area where we had lived. Fred had always been obviously "in love" with me and said he also wanted the opportunity for a new life with me. I was cautiously ecstatic. I found a place to live, moved myself & waited for Fred to join me. 3 months later he joined me with all of his belongings (clothing & quite a bit of personal paraphernalia). No furnishings or household things (mind you, at this point, I am 49 & he is 53)....he had left everything with his still...wife (YES, I said his wife). He also gave her about a 1 month notice that he was leaving her (had threatened to do so for many years) & told his adult son nothing...not about the situation nor where he was moving to. I knew when he moved here that there was no turning back as his family would never accept him back. We have been here for 16 yrs. He had basically no relationship with his son or step-daughter for the first 5 years he was here (at which time he had filed for divorce). We have now been married almost 9 yrs. Fred has a growing relationship with his son (they have also embraced me, but I can feel the underlying animosity). His relationship with his step-daughter was pretty tenuous, now is practically non-existant. His ex-wife passed away not long after were married (she was 9 yrs older than he....she became pregnant with their son when Fred was 16 & she was 25). His step-daughter blames me (not Fred) for the death of her mother, thus the separation between she & Fred.
I have pretty much layed out the basics of our relationship. It's pretty good most of the time. I l9ve Fred, but I don'the feel in love with him anymore...this leaves me feeling pretty isolated & insecure. Fred can be a "victim" at the drop of a hat. He has NO friends, I am his only friend....the friends I have made here have become our friends. Seriously, lately, I have wanted to go in a more positive direction for our lives. Physical separation is not an option as for financial reasons & Fred has no support system (I have 2 adult sons, their spouses & grandchildren).
I continously beat myself up emotionally for having allowed myself to have been so self-centered, to have played a conscious part in the ruination of his family. I will take my guilt for their unhappiness to my grave. The little self-respect I had for myself is at rock-bottom. Fred says that the fact that his relationships with his family isn't important, he has me. BOTTOM LINE.....I do not at any rate advocate being the OW!!! Do not put yourself in this situation,! Don't even give an OW relationship a passing thought!!
Thank you for the opportunity for me to tell my story. It's never very far away from my thoughts on a daily basis.

I know from my own experience that married men don't always leave the wife. I am the wife. I found out two years ago my husband had an affair with some married woman that he met at our kids school. When I found out I gave my husband the option to leave. 50/50 with the kids and assets. I told him I didn't want to be with a man who didn't want me too He broke down and said she was the biggest mistake of his life. Two years later we are still in marriage counseling and doing good. The thing about affairs is that they are built on fantasy. Once that fantasy bubble pops they come to their senses. The OW comes without the baggage of paying bills,taking care of kids, illness,or household responsiblities. This is appealing to the married mm. But once he realizes that the OW hasn't seen him vomiting sick or sitting two days on the couch without a shower or other REAL life situations he comes to his senses. Affairs are fantasies where everyone is on good behavior. The reality of it is No one can be on best behavior forever. Hope this helps.

Can I message you about my story this really talked about a lot of things that I'm currently going through n I really would appreciate messaging someone who may understand me.

Yes, U can message me. I'm here to lend an ear and help u in any way i can

Currently, I'm in the same situation for about 8 years now. But my story is a bit different from others I have read. I'll try to make this 8 year long story shorter. I met him, he said he was done with his GF at the time and he slept in his truck at my neighbors (his friend's house) instead of going home every night. In that first year I got him off over-excessively abusing vodka, cocaine, and smoking 4 packs of cigarettes a day (all due to his past relationships). 'cept after 4 years later [she didn't leave him of course and she knew about me all that time] circumstances came and he married her, also because of their daughter (6 years old at that time) Currently we all, me him, his wife and daughter included, go on vacation together every year. me and her still have a love-hate relationship, more her hating than me, only when he's with us both but we get along when he's not in between. But if I hadn't been in his life and intervened he probably wouldn't be alive to this day, spending time with his daughter or even have family vacations etc. So i believe, is why she tolerates me at times. His daughter, she doesn't know my role in this relationship, we don't let it be known. We don't kiss or "frolic" in-front of his wife or daughter, they don't in-front of me either. His wife doesn't go out and drink but me and him do on the weekends and he would stay over on the weekend. Other than that during the week he is home at night by 8:30 after he spent time with me for 3 hours. But it was never just me that gave in the relationship. He helped me establish credit, get my own place instead with a roomate, when i hit and collected unemployment from a lay off he helped me with the bills i didn't have enough for, etc etc. (hard to keep track of everything's he's done for me, let alone everything I have for him.) He considers me part of his family, as do I. Before I wrote this I was feeling a bit melancholy on the situation, since yes, like every OW, we usually want more. :) But reminiscing makes me feel better that I had bettered both their lives just by being in theirs, even if we share different love lives with the same man

Hi my situation is the same ..i come from a vary hurtful and abusive relationships...i also had were i saw my husbend being unfaithful to me in my face ..i did nothing...y because of my lasted 8yrs of screams and fights ,and also beatings i gave up and i found a old friend like old school friend ...he n i have talked and he was going through the same n we connected.n now we have relationship as he is married ..but wants to leave her for who she is ..i tell him stick to her and try again ..but he does as friends tell me so now i dont know wat to do ..cuz he is always me ...i love him n he does too help.....

I told mine that I loved him enough to let him go and figure out what he wants. I broke all ties with him. It KILLED me inside but I KNOW that IF he goes back and decides that he isn't happy that he will KNOW it is because he was truly miserable not because I made him or tempted him in any way. Quite honestly I believe she only wanted him back because she saw he was happier without her and was with me. She is almost a decade older and he "says" she has aged terribly in the last 3 yrs and disgusts him. Yet, he went back. It has just been right at a month and I AM sure things are still going good as there is a false relief. I hope that they can work it out as I am sure she had her reasons for going to such extremes as kicking him out in the first place so that he MIGHT change. My logic now is he is and probably always has been a cheater and she takes him back. Probably why she looks MUCH older than her mid 50's age. He is probably why she drinks and smokes so heavily. (if that is the truth) That is the ONLY thing that I wonder about now. What was real and what was not. He supposedly loved me SO much 3 weeks before he went back home he professed it to me almost in tears he was so happy to finally be telling me (he had been holding back for a few weeks) I think he loved the way I made him feel but who knows. He had moved a bunch of heat sensitive bins to my house and had purchased "us" a washing machine as he was planning on moving in after his divorce was finalized. HA- SHE lied and had never even filed. I am curious if he knows she has lied yet again.. They will never be able to trust one another. She played mind games and he was basically living here with me. I am sure she believes that it was only a few dates like he lied and told her. He lies to her and cheats on her what was I thinking that I WOULD somehow be different. No HE is the problem and I bet he has already found someone else to whine to and get pity... He will never grow up and be a real man or husband. I wish them well. They are a better match as far as dysfunctional goes. We would have be better suited IF he wasn't a cheater and IF I would have taken him back after he cheated the next time. HE KNEW I am way to independent and strong to put up with what the wife does... so good riddance. DON'T EVER LET THEM WHINE ABOUT HOW BAD THEIR MARRIAGE IS OR HOW AWFUL THEIR WIFE IS. THAT IS HOW THEY REEL YOU INTO THE AFFAIR!!!! IT IS LIKE THEY HAVE READ THE SAME BOOK!! IT MAY BE REAL IT MAY BE A TOTAL LIE BUT USUALLY A LITTLE TRUTH IN EVERY LIE. You get confronted with a man wanting to share intimate things about his marriage and confide in you STOP HIM IMMEDIATELY AND TELL HIM GO TALK TO HIS WIFE FI--FIGURE OUT HIS LIFE AND THEN COME FIND YOU WHEN HE IS FREE!!!!!! That is what I told mine. But after a month of no contact I am wondering if he wasn't just lying all along. Men and their fragile egos... Oh well I do fine on my own I was happy before him and I am doing just fine without him now. I have been single for a lot of years since my divorce and looking back all him being around just meant more work.... she can have him~ I will sleep better knowing NO ONE is cheating on ME!!! :) JUST MY 2 CENTS!!! Good luck everyone and God bless. REMEMBER DONT FALL FOR THE PITY PARTY.. IT IS A CON~~~ I THOUGHT I WAS ACTUALLY HELPING HIM TO SORT THINGS OUT AT FIRST BEING A FRIEND. SOON HE WAS COMING ON TO ME AND TELLING ME HIS MARRIAGE WAS DEAD AND GONE AND DIVORCE WAS IMMENINT --- WELL APPARENTLY HE IS TOO SCARED OR GUILTY TO LEAVE. WE SHALL SEE. IF YOUR UNHAPPY GET OUT DONT CHEAT~~~ YOU ONLY HURT PEOPLE YOUR LYING TO EVERYONE EVEN YOURSELF~ 4/4/15 A DAY I WISH I COULD GO BACK TO AND CHANGE EVERYTHING~

I really like what you wrote. I am going through the same thing right now.

This was an amazing write-up. Thank you for your brutal honesty.

Why do this kind of thing? Why? Im a product of a broken family. My father choosing the OW. Didnt you know that this is a serious offense and this affair could get you sued? Both the husband and the mistress. Do you want to know the result you all made to the child who is fatherless with a bad history? Its very traumatizing! I was well aware at the time my father left us. It was devastating! Every kid has its own way on how they cope up to this situation. And in my case, I want to die. Seeing my mother cry every night. So stressed because of what happened is not a good sight to a child who's growing up. I'm a girl and still growing to this twisted society. Do you want to know on what I think to all of the mistresses? A self centered, narcistic person. Why cant you all be rational. Everytime I remember that OW, I want to slap her again and again. I want to bring back our happy family. If she didn't showed up, everything would have been great. But nooo. She definitely have to butt in and ruin everything. I despise mistresses. They're one of the major reasons on why there are broken families. If you say that I have to moved on blah blah blah well guess what? How can I do it when I was emotionally scarred since I was a kid? And reading this comments saying that its okay to cheat totally breaks my heart. Please think of the people who will suffer. Especially the children. Its not only the wife you're destroying here. I am crying while typing. Yes. I became very emotional and suicidal. I have trust issues because of that OW. She was like a family to us then Bam! Cheating time! I have a great mother and have friends. But I always have this big questions on my head. Why why why why? Adultery will never be accepted to the society. You can have a guy IF he is SINGLE and not MARRIED or lets say you met him after he divorced his wife. That is acceptable since that would mean you met him when he was single or Not attached to anyone. You got it?

You need to grow up,

Thank you for sharing this, I am in the exact same boat and was losing faith

I have a few questions for you, i'm in the same situation and can use some insight.

Reading your article just made me sigh a lot. I think I feel so connected with your story! I just got divorced, suffering in silence for years, no respect, all bad stuff, good stuff during so little.. and I started talking to an old "friend", who I decided to forget years ago (even before knowing my former husband) because he was married. Despite all that he listened to me, we had so much in common and through all these years one way or another we always kept in contact. He always looked for me.

Anyhow I'm at a point living alone with my child, my ex husband behaving like crap and my FF (former friend) still talking to me. He came and visit the other day and finally IT happened... Despite what I thought, it ended up being a very tender moment, he rubbed his nose against mine, he looked at me forever, he didn't hurry, it wasn't crazy sex, I felt he made love to me- He was gentle, very gentle. Actually I was the one keeping it cool despite I know I've loved him forever. He tells me when he arrives home, "hey I arrived home honey I'm going to sleep now". With all this, and all the things I went through I can say now that life is not what we all think it should be. I am a good girl and I know I was never raised to be the OW. I was the wife once.

But it is true that there is a point where you realize that you love someone more than you can explain, and I know I'm against the wall with this one: I know I wouldnt like to be in his wife's place, I do not mean to harm her. But anyhow, these things make you think and it is definitely a red flag telling you something is definitely not good in your marriage.

I don't know yet if I'm ever going to be as lucky as you are, as I am just starting with this (we've known for over 8years but the thing of sharing real things is starting now) , I don't know if he will ever leave his wife, but I know despite all that, the best thing I did was getting divorced, it wasn't because of my FF, it was because it was bad, and no matter what happens next, I know I feel free and glad now.

I believe now that there is really no way you can judge others, you never know when you get into the same situation.

Thank you so much for sharing your story.

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How easy it is for a woman who cheated with a married man to be so magnanimous. Understand one thing very clearly, you have caused unimaginable hurt, pain and humiliation in the life of a person who has never done you any harm - that is unforgivable.
Who are YOU to decide that everyone will be better off - you may feel that YOU are better off - you cannot speak for his wife and family - the family YOU so selfishly chose to help destroy.
How dare you attach the word "spiritual" to what you have done. There is absolutely nothing spiritual about it at all. YOU may selfishly have gained value from what you have done and YOUR spirit might have been lifted. At what cost to others?
29 years is a lifetime - a lifetime of love, caring, sacrifice and sharing your life with someone. Someone that some other person who places no value on the sanctity of marriage or the value of family, willingly and knowingly chose to have an affair with.
The drum is not rolling on anything. Society is clear - adultery is WRONG. You chose to become involved with a married man - you chose to hurt and destroy his wife and family and you have to live with that. I hope it is not as easy for you as you have made it sound because somewhere out there, there is woman who wakes up with a broken heart every day of her life because of what you did. She will learn to live with her pain, she will learn to stop talking about it and she will learn to hide it from most people around her but you should know with certainty that the pain you caused will live with her FOREVER.

I do not think you have the right to judge her. You really don't know how it is to go through this things when you are a good girl. When ANYONE in this "game" of marriage, doesn't feel good there, they have ALL THE RIGHT TO WALK AWAY. So you feel you are so better person than us?? Well, let me tell you if this guy got divorced it was because he didn't feel good with his wife, so you are suggesting he should have stayed just so she could have him as a trophee?? I'm sorry but I disagree. No one has the right to stop the other one from being happy, people that feel the other one should stay because the signed a paper are selfish, disgusting and have no dignity. So , the other person stopped loving you?? Well , let them go!! Why would you want to retain that person by your side?? That is being bad and selfish to. Yes, she probably suffered, but no one said life was easy. She doesn't feel proud she had to live that situation, you haven't been in one, she stated in her article she even was a counselor before that. Because that is the way life is: you can get into situations you never imagined. In the end, you can overcome anything, but you can never stop other people from being happy, even if that means you need to suffer. It is not that the person was looking for that to happen, it just happens. But I repeat and stand by what I stated: Nor it is good to stay just to not make the other one suffer, even sacrificing our happiness. No way.

Almapink, I really love your response and totally agree. This is exactly why my husband left his first wife and for him, the grass was greener on the other side because there was a supply of water to water it, unlike in his marriage. He tells me time and time again how thankful he is for me and I make sure he knows and feels it too. He wanted happiness and that's what he got.
I feel for those who stay in "the marriage" and don't muster up the courage to just leave and let it go. Too much fear I suppose, but there's more to life than settling for a bad marriage.

Nobody has the right to judge. Yet, you're very defensive...let me know when you are in the other boat. Unlike his wife, you and him are cheaters and know it..believing a one sided story. When it becomes your story, once a cheater or throw away instead of fixing....everyone in this situation- good luck!!!! See... that's the bottom line, throw away instead of fixing!!! No matter what- infidelity is wrong... morally and lawfully! The good and bad, sick and health and rich or poor. If you are not being abused... no excuse!! Same for the other party!! No integrity, no morals and self centered in order to get exactly that- no integrity, no morals and a self centered person in which you will never be a recipient of TRUE love!!

You say walk away....Infidelity is NOT walking away!!!!!!!!!!!

What a crock! I get tired of seeing bitter women and bitter ex wives passing judgement on to the women your husbands are cheating with. If you would have taken care of him to begin with, you wouldn't be lonely, miserable and left out in the cold in the first place. A man is not going to stay in a sexless, loveless marriage and endure your wrath forever, what on earth do you think he's going to do as soon as he finds someone else to fill the void and love him the way you got tired of doing? Don't get me wrong, some men are just pigs and go out in search of flings but there are others who truly are unhappy and stuck in a miserable marriage to a shrew. If you are reading this and this describes you, and you're either on the verge of being left or just simply haven't given your husband any action in months because you're too tired, the kids threw up, you have to fold clothes and have a headache, you better pop an Advil and head right over to Victoria's Secret for some red lingerie, because honey, if you slack off, someone else will swoop right in. Don't take your marriages for granted because he'll be gone in the blink of an eye before you know what hit you.
My husband and I have been married 10 years now. We met when he was separated and I watched him go through so much hurt and pain over his narcissistic ex wife who just simply had no time for him accept to collect his check and head to the nail salon. Men are suckers and hate living alone so they'll settle for a warden. He came close to going back just before he met me. I guess you are given blessings in life when you least expect it and for some men, it's the other woman he leaves you for. Count your blessings and make sure you give your husband a lot of passion and love every day or you might find yourself signing divorce papers.

So true,

That's what I was thinking, remember it takes 2

Thank you, thank you, thank you!! You could not be more spot on than right there!!

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There are so many hateful responses on here? I just don't understand it. My ex cheated on me years ago and m attitude was there is plenty of fish in the sea....not I hate the ow. She wasnt committed to me, he was! Ironically, years later, I found myself in the ow situation for about 30 seconds. He was in an awful relationship... We worked together and had been friends for years, he Persude me a few times over that year and I said NO. One day in June I broke down... We saw each other for about a week while the wife was out of town. Then I said enough. He had a baby and a wife and if it's not working out then he needs to leave her and figure that out first. 2 weeks later he realized that he was going to be a better person and father without her... And he told her what happened and that he wants a divorce. She apparently already suspected something when nothing was going on bc he had been talking about me a lot. He had an emotional attachment to me already, which was not something I had control over. Of course, I was still blamed for it and she told everyone that we had been fooling around for months. Which wasn't true at all. Either way, he left her and we started dating a month after she moved out. 5 years later now.... Him and I are married and he has half custody of his son. The wife remarried as well and is happier for it too. The son has amazing step parents on both ends and plenty of love. What him and I did was a mistake.... For a week. We realized it was wrong... Stopped ourselves and did what we needed to do to change our lives for the better . As far as emotionally falling for someone, that is not something you can help. We talked at work just like everyone else did. We didn't go out of our way to do that. When u work close to someone that can happen without you even knowing. And that's how we found ourselves in that week.. So we stopped what we could.

We all make mistakes and it is not anyone's place to point fingers, I have been on both sides of this story. I can't take that week back,but what I could do was stop before we went any further. I wa someone that would not sleep with a mm but still did. He made the decision to leave her without even knowing if he still had a chance with me, especially with the attacks after he told her. He realized he was unhappy bc they grew out of love... And he realized he only stayed with her bc he thought it was best for their son. He realized that wasn't so at all. And he was right.

Are you still with this man??? I am curious how things turned out for you!!!

Call or Text Robinsonbuckler (+)1 971 (512-6745) he will solve your relationship problem and bring back your lover in 3 days...

Well, I can say that your story is a lot like mine. I was the OMW seeing the MM. I've read the majority of responses here, from both sides. I never in a million years thought I would be the cause of so much pain. Not just to the wife, not just to my (now ex) husband, but to my family and myself. I won't delve into all the details of how he and I met and when and what happened how and where. But ultimately, we found each other both at a time we shouldn't have and at a time we needed each other. I believe strongly in that a marriage takes two participants. I was that woman scorned throughout my marriage which made things bad enough; but ultimately, I pulled that last thread that ended the marriage. Am I happy I'm out? YES! But I'm not happy with the way it happened. I'm not happy with myself regarding the choices I made. In spite of being treated less than, I feel terrible for what I did to my ex husband. I feel terrible for what I did to my family and to his wife. I should have had the strength and courage to end my marriage faithfully. I knew damn well I couldn't have continued on in an unloving relationship. But I made my choices. Which brings me to MM. He divorced his wife. Being in the Army, he lost so much. And he didn't necessarily end it for me; he ended it for himself, much for the same reasons I had for wanting to be out of my marriage. Like me, he knew he couldn't come home at the end of the day to a wife he wasn't in love with. Yes, I could point out her role in the dissolution of the relationship, because it DOES take two, but that's not my place to do so. I am so glad that he and I are both "free." For our relationship to work, it will take healing that still needs to be done and it will take time and openness and honesty. Upon all the other foundations that make a good relationship, that is what we have. I cringe when I see a woman starting out in these secret relationships of pain and deceit because she likely has no clue about the ramifications and destruction her actions are about to cause. Yes, there are good feelings, some of merely lust and others of genuine love, but the collateral damage will fall and there will be some type of hell to pay. I know this because I went through it. Regardless of where I am now, I would love to be able to tell everyone woman out there not to let it happen. If you truly love this man, wait for him to get a D. If he's not going to, then there's your answer and be on your way because you're obviously worth so much more. There is a chance he won't want to give up that house or the cars or the money. That is a hard thing to do. Can I say that I'm happy now? Well, I'm not quite there in terms of career, but I am happy with our love and am anxious to see where it takes us.

As far as this whole sisterhood goes, please. Women are MEAN and will go through bounds getting what they want, no matter who they tear down in the process. More often than not, a woman is not going to be looking out for a woman who firstly, they don't even know, and secondly, who has something or someone they want. That's just the way it is. Men and women have two totally different styles of fighting. Men will usually fight it out while women will go through the sneakiest, most hurtful and most evil ways to make some woman they hate (for no good reason) pay. So, I don't think there is a sisterhood in this realm. The only ones that would fall into that category are your female friends and family members.

I can really relate to your story, can I message you for some perspective?

My name is Hanah. I met a man that I dated for almost 2 years. I did not know that he was married. He lied to me about it and even said he had no children. He also lied about his age. He said he was 37 and it turns out he's 60.....great physique, no signs of aging, exercises, and pretty white teeth. He doesn't look like it! So I obviously had no reason to be suspicious. However, as time passed there were red flags appearing. He kept referring to the woman that was his wife as his sister. I began to want to meet her but he said she was too sick. Most of our time actually sleeping next to each other were at nice hotels which were disguised as trips.But he would come over for hours during the week. I guess I was naive at this point because I felt he had no reason to be dishonest. But my intuition kept me up at night. I did a background check on him and that's when everything fell apart. I'm madly in love with him and upon finding out I called his wife to confirm. I was boiling. Her number was also listed on the background check. As we began to converse she asked for pictures, and other proof that would aid in a divorce. I sent her pictures of us being intimate, I let her hear the voicemails. Was I wrong for taking it that far? They also have a incapacitated daughter who can not speak, nor think for herself. The wife was completely unaware and so was I. However, I feel horrible. Walking away would've been best. I've caused some major destruction and pain by revealing those things to her. The crazy part is, I still love him beyond the lies he told. I just wish that he was honest. Thoughts anyone?

You should be with him, you deserve him. What goes around, comes around. I'm sure you won't suffer being with him. Good luck

Umm, what is it she deserves?? To be lied to and cheated on too? She didn't even know the guy was married.

Yes. If you really believe she didn't know or that she believed he was 37 , that she stopped when she found out... Then I got some ocean front property in Arizona to sell you and if you don't see this as her blame shifting and trying to justify her actions then I'll throw in the golden gate too...

She didn't say she stopped when she found out, she said walking away would have been best. Some people can easily pass for 20 years younger. My mom is in her 70s and everyone thinks she's in her early 50s. I get told the same about myself. But I guess you're a human lie detector test now and have magical powers. I sense you're a disgruntled ex wife who got left. I wonder if my super power theory is right?

LOL. No you're wrong but what I find interesting is how you're here defending a miserable lowlife mistress. says a lot about your character. you really believe that she is right but let's see how you feel about it when your husband that "you make so happy" leaves you for his side piece. lets see how your feelings towards the other woman shifts from your opinion today. What about the wife? Her feelings? obviously the guys a narcissist and this one is a fool and a mistress, nothing more nothing less why defend a person like this, why exacerbate, why enable the situation? see things as they really are not as it should be. but don't worry if you don't know, one day you will. Unfortunately no one leaves this earth unscathed. By the way I'm a man so your" magical super powers" are way off, could you be that way off about how happy you make your husband?

You're a man on here posting irrational judgements and criticism to a bunch of mistresses? Hmm, maybe your wife left you for a man that didn't have such a negative outlook on life. Possibly you're the narcissist? My husband is happy, his ex wife was also left, again, by her second husband after only 4 years. Some wives just have no idea what it takes to actually do the work in a marriage, to keep the passion and spark alive, nor do they want to. Watching reality TV in bed is more important than spicing it up in the bedroom or actually spending a date night with their man. They take a hard working man for granted and then are dumbfounded and shocked when he finally leaves. Hello???? Duh. This is exactly what my husband endured for the last 10 years of his marriage to his controlling, demeaning, slob of an ex wife. I was raised to wake up in the morning and get myself ready immediately, tend to my husband, children and step kids, and make damn sure there's time left for passion and romance at the end of the day. Many women let that all go to the wayside.
I do not judge the OW because for one, I've never been the OW and two, it's the MM who has the responsibility to divorce first and not cheat on his wife! The finger is always pointed at the OW so that the wife can justify her reasoning for taking back the cheater in the first place. Oh, it's really the OW who is at fault because she somehow brainwashed and seduced her cheating husband all by herself. Oh please. No one held a gun to his head. Most often than not, it's the MM doing the pursuing because he's sick of getting no love at home. Most often than not, it isn't even about the sex!
I am happy my husband is a good man, but then again, I give him no reason to cheat!
Ultimately, wives aren't 100% innocent if they took an active part in the demise of the marriage in the first place.
That's my perspective .. Take it or leave it.

Ok Let me see... 1. You really need to have a reason for everything don't you? ( first I'm a disgruntled wife, then a cuckolded husband, lol)
2. You seem really happy that your "happy" husbands ex, and any " disgruntled, betrayed person" suffers as much as possible and oh how you gloat..
3. I absolutely agree and believe that you are great in the sack, most histrionics are,;)... And happy your man must be indeed.. I love you girls...
4. Mistresses are jokes to me and my friends. We've come to the conclusion that all women are BPD on some level so we never get emotionally involved. ( this is what most men think of side pieces..)
5. Ow's should be blamed after they find out they're being played and choose to continue in the " relationship" it shows no integrity and obvious disordered thinking... Not caring of the pain they are helping cause the family or even themselves... That's evil or severely disordered thinking, wouldn't you agree?
6. I agree that it takes 2 to tango. But the cheater is 100% at fault... They could've just ended the relationship and not tried to have their cake and eat it too....
7. I truly wish you a happy marriage, I really do. In this day and age that's a rarity. Most people when they get betrayed say " but I did everything for him/her, how could they do this?" So don't take things for granted and believe that you're the perfect wife because believe it or not anyone can get betrayed...

"Most people when they get betrayed say " but I did everything for him/her, how could they do this?" So don't take things for granted and believe that you're the perfect wife because believe it or not anyone can get betrayed..."
Exactly! If you go back and read my last response, this is the point I was trying to get across, so I am glad we can agree on something!
I also agree that it is wrong to be the OW, but sometimes, the OW who is lied to falls in love with the MM, and it's easier said than done to end a relationship after you've invested feelings in the person. I think people are faster to judge others when they have never been in their shoes. It sounds like you've been fortunate enough to have never gone through being the OM. Happy for you, but everyone's situation is different and there is a whole lot of judging that goes on and stones that are thrown directly at the OW, but the MM and the BS go unnoticed for their part.
Thank you for wishing me a happy marriage, we've been happy up until now but you never know what could happen, you're right. One thing I don't do is take him for granted, however. In my first marriage, I was the BS and was cheated on by my ex husband, so I know what it felt like, but I also blame myself partly for taking him for granted. I learned some valuable lessons from my first marriage and have "grown up" since then. Myself and my husband were to blame, not his OW. It was OUR responsibility to work on our marriage, and we failed, which is what happens in a large % of marriages now days. Who's fault it that?
Not everyone will agree with my opinion of the OW, but to each his own. We can agree to disagree.

No one that's 60 can look like he's 37. No one. Makes me question the rest of your confession.

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Dear Essence,

How has your journey been so far? It has been three years.

Please this is a bunch of lies and justification for a lack of integrity. You are using your miracle fairy tale to make yourself feel better. Listen, sister, you are heading for trouble. Life comes full circle and one day your actions and past will find you and you will be the victim. You are a fraud.

Preach it sister!

I agree!!!

Sure sounds like a bunch of hooey to me. A woman with morals waits for the man to get a divorce BEFORE starting the affair. The pain caused to a wife of many many years is not justified. A tramp is a tramp no matter how you try to sugar coat it.

No woman should be part of hurting another woman. You should get a divorce and then start a relationship. but the people doing the affairs are cowards and liars/

What responsibility does the busband have? He is the one who married his wife he knows her personality. Why shouldn't he be the one to blame the most?

The mistress is just as culpable because she knows what she is doing to that marriage and that woman. Good thing is the mistress will suffer even worse than the wife in due time...


This post site is about the OW.... take responsibility for YOUR actions!!!!

I agree!!

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Really???? Who are you trying to convince?? Yourself, your cheating boyfriend or me or the ex-husband you left??
Didn't your marriage start off this way?? More in love than you can express? Wasn't he the 'Knight in Shining Armor' you always wanted?? You knew it would last forever! RIGHT!!
You grew up became partners in something bigger, something stressful, something that should have brought you closer together yet pushed you apart because you (and cheating boyfriend), couldn't dare see beyond your own narcissistic needs.
That is what defines the relationship.... the ability to learn together, explore together, working out difficult times together, seeing each other sides together, putting the other first together, setting examples of good moral and upholding Christian Vow. Respecting the other and seeing their side.
I'm sorry, you breached every code of professional conduct that you ever swore to.
Shame on you, shame on him. Shame for stepping into another family's life, shame on you for not guiding. Shame on him for letting you. Shame on both of you.
Neither of you deserve happiness for destroying lives.
You say the children will be fine..... One can only hope and pray for that to be true. Remember the have learned that if your unhappy you leave....what kind of coping skills does that teach them.....
Keep lying to yourself....
You will always be the "Other woman."


Your theory is bogus. Are you actually saying that the children should be taught that if you're unhappy you stay? What kind of self and life skills is THAT teaching them?

You are clueless!! You think that's what the children think? What they're taught is that commitment means nothing and they mean nothing just so the narcissist can get their needs met over the love to them...which in turn teaches them what about love?? And what do you know about love and think you will get from someone who abandons?? Really?? I wonder in the narcissists legacy is what...if not what they've inflicted on the children and then to the grandchildren....


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I came across this. I was the wife. My husband was 'taken' by the other woman. I sometimes hate her, but mostly I hate her because she isnt the least bit remorseful in what she did.

Why are u blaming her?

I only ask this cuz ive been on both sides.

i blame them both 50/50 she just shoved it in my face how she 'won' and how she was 'better' than me. My ex and I have a son together and that girl would call me to tell me how bratty my son was and how I should raise him better. i put taken in quotes because i had known her since High School, she taught me how to cook, she had been in my ex's circle of friends from Middle school to high school. But i dislike her mostly because she enjoyed the pain i was in. she liked to hold it above my head. but even to think day she thinks he and I are doing something. she thinks we are going behind her back. He's even told me she was jealous of me. Even after all this time. it makes me angry im ranting. lol sorry

Oh you knew her personality.. that's why u feel the way you do. I thanked my husbands mistresses cuz if she feels she got a winner good for her. Me and my ex husband were so close I knew his routine everyday it took me a week to notice the change. What I can't understand is the married man I was seeing it's been a yr and still he hasn't gotten caught. Would a wife recognize the behavior. We text from morning until 2 to 3 in the morning. He's called me to say goodnight. How can a affair go on for so long that's when I blame the wife.


And because you're here on these posts still... guess you're not feeling so good....

Really?????? Can't find a single man?

Nor am I remorseful. I know his wife, but not closely. I know she hangs out with her multitudes of friends from work and past nursing jobs, works when he's off, is rarely there when he is. She's overweight at 5'3 and probably wears a size 12 or 14. She's 12 years younger than I, but doesn't seem to care about doing what it takes to have kept him to herself. I don't know why, but I've known him as an acquaintance for 8 years, then the 8th years, we became intimate. They've been married 26 years now, so he started this at year 24. Women can think their longterm hubs are faithful, but they're not. This woman has no idea. She's in lala land. I wouldn't tell, nor would he, and I never text him or call his house. It's all email at work or cell phone calls. If she did, I'd laugh in her fat face, and it is fat. All their friends think she has the best hubby, and she does. They'd not think so, I'm sure if they knew he was cheating with me, but no one would ever guess. He's very straight arrow, conservative. Not in the bed, though, lol. So, I feel sorry for him, He works so hard teaching classes all day and having to grade paperwork weekends and nights, He looks so tired. He does so much for his kids. I don't know how he finds the time to do everything. I feel badly for him, and I love him so. I'd never want to or try to break up his family, but I see, as you complacent wives don't see, how much he needs attention and kind, rewarding words for all his devotion to his job to keep his family. I love him for the person he is, even though his wife doesn't see it. He has not told me any of this. The man has never once put his wife down, but I see it in his eyes, in his tiredness, I read him and I know how unappreciated he feels at home. This is why I don't feel sorry for wives whose husbands wander. It's not for the sex, but that's good too. It's for the attention and love. Women nowdays don't always want a hubby, we've been burned, we have too much to lose, but we do like men, and married men are safe. Safe from diseases (usually), safe from wanting to come over every night. The bad part is, they can't come over enough. No happy medium. Oh well.

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I was looking for a story exactly like this. I still can not believe I am an "OW" and yest I firmly believe we will be able to have our happily ever after. I feel rather fortunate because I know all the warnings and all the bad endings. My situation, like yours, is a minority but it is nice to know I'm not alone in either situation.


Hi, can I message you?

I dont see why you couldnt both get a divorce before you started the affair. Your trying to justify the unjustifiable. The person I feel sorry for is his poor wife, still clinging on to that heartless fool, there's no way your the first nor will you be the last. All I got to say to you is good luck cos your gonna need it.

Please reply with authenticity, support, and respect, There is no justification in this behavior.

And here you are stupidly justifying the way in which YOU got what YOU wanted.

All affairs usually start because there is something in there marriage is missing may it be physically, emotionally, sexual. I can't blame the other women in my case she was just there at the time when I wasn't there emotinally. If anything it made me see things clear. I know u did try hard to do what is right. Who is to say that was the right thing to do? What is right is the approach to get married Not lying to anyone anymore. Its the lie that makes it wrong.

Everything happens for a reason.

Sorry for you sister but your fantasy relationship was made in hell.

Yes, narcissism is a reason, also having no morals, character or integrity are good reasons. Good on you. Maybe you weren't there emotionally because you were with another man? Who knows what sordid reasons you can come up with. Good luck you are gonna need it.

Not all affairs start because something is missing. sometimes people get a kick of the thrill. All relationships have the exciting times. I was the wife after 23 years of marriage and my husband took off with a woman 30 years younger than him. I have learned so much as I did a lot of research and I too am a professional. He has a serious sexual addiction and there was more than one woman. Now he thinks he settling down but she is just his new cover. I basically think you have a problem as well. Maybe you need therapy to figure out how you can do what you did and make the choice you made when this is what you do for a living. I said it before and I will say it again you are a fraud and you will always be the OW. If God is in it you will get what you desereve.

I bet you he tells you he isn't sleeping with his wife? You're entering a world of pain and you deserve it. Have fun

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Hey whatever you got to tell yourself to be able to live with your base self. Let me put it in simpler terms.. You are blowing a married man, do you like the way his wife tastes? You are both a narcissist and an inverted narcissist! I'd hate to see what squirms in your little brain. Hope you suffer as much pain as you've caused his wife and kids.

Yes karma will visit your deceitful self soon enough. Enjoy

Yes I'm not a worthless cheating scumbag, I take great pride in that. Conceit, entitlement, I'll leave to you.

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"Nothing makes adultery right. I dare not even search for any justification." And yet you spent the entire rest of your article doing just that, not very original justifications...

Oh wow, this post is from 2011! Do tell us, did your miracle man divorce his wife yet? And did you marry him or no? An update would be interesting to read.

It's the lie that makes it wrong

That and the fact that you know he's married. Can't you find a single man?

Interesting reading the very strong feelings on either side of this issue. The key points I would like to add:
1. Marriage for love is a relatively recent concept. It used to be for purely practical reasons and it was common for spouses to have "extricurricular" love interests.
2. We live longer now and any decision made in our 20's is not always going to be right when we are middle aged. I suspect this may be impacting the divorce rate and why the concept of death till you part is becoming unrealistic. But women are still fed this ideal of one man for life.
3. Ideally, it is best to end one relationship before beginning another, but in my experience, the spouse who engages in an affair has usually checked out of the marriage long ago. Unfortunately the betrayed spouse didn't get the memo...
4. Adding to the cultural archetype that women should expect a prince charming who she will love and he will love back and take care of her forever, there is also the double standard that boys will be boys. So many betrayed wives go after the OW, because of some belief that if all the OW kept to some kind of moral code to sisterhood, the husbands, (who will be boys), would not have anyone to have an affair with.
5. It has not been my experience that this moral code between women exists.
6. It is has also been my observation that the straying husband rarely gets the sole blame mainly because the betrayed wife is trying to hold the marriage together, either for emotional, financial, or child rearing reasons, so she often has 0 interest in tossing him out and 100% interest in blaming someone else. After all, admitting your husband voluntarily cheated and lied to you is far harder to admit than to blame the OW for "enticing" him away.
7. As long as all this is going on, OW will have an uphill battle justifying their affair, even if the relationship is the right one for both.

This has to be one of the most logical, sensible responses I have read. Thank you for sharing.

very good analysis

Wow. This is the best response I've read on this entire thread. My husband's ex wife still blamed me for the deteriorated marriage and I wasn't even the OW. I so agree with your logic.

The statistics are not to be trusted. We dont know how the information was harvested, and what is it based on. Its impossible to register every case where a partner left a partner to be with someone else. I would say only a minority has been registered.

People like you are losers. Anyone who carries on an affair with a married men have low self esteem and are the most selfish people on earth. And your man is a psychopath Narcissist. You need to read articles from Chump Lady's site. You both are scum. You need to check out Chump Lady. Type it in google and go to her site and get educated on cheaters.

I'm surprised that you don't say what you really feel :-)
Good on you I'm 100% behind you ......

'psychopath Narcissist'? Are you a Psychiatrist?? Do you even know what a 'psychopath Narcissist' is?? For a start these personality disorders are rare and secondly, people don't speak of happiness when they are in a relationship with a psychopath.

Yes they do. They are actors. Manipulators that say and do whatever it takes to get you on "their" side. They aren't so rare either because they cannot be treated. And, for the record it's a "sociopath" one who lies without a conscious. The Narcissist puts them self first and feels entitled. Cheaters OFTEN exhibit these characteristic. 1) They put themselves before the wife, the kids, etc and 2) they continually are lying and cheating.

Yes they do. At the begining the psychopath is charming with a grand facade until he/she get their hooks in ya, then strap in for the karmic ride of your life.

You're narrow minded and should not be so quick to judge. Having an opinion is permitted, even if it differs from someone else's opinion, BUT, the manner in which you express yourself, with evident hate and ridicule and judgment is offensive, uneducated, and immature.

And your decision to engage in such an affair and have such a cavalier "sigh" to how it has affected the other families, including your ex-husband, is offensive, uneducated, immature and self destructive. You ask her to "reply" with "authenticity, support and respect". Why don't you ACT that way. Not to mention, you don't deserve it.


Like begets like... Affairs are rife with "hate and ridicule and Offensive judgement. Affairs are also for the "uneducated, and immature."

Right on.

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She can but it won't last ....that's a fact

I don't agree if your basing it on statistics
they can and are manipulated and that's a fact
you can manipulate the environment by selecting one specific type of circumstances to get the desired results ... we are all entitled just be that one in a million just like winning the lottery... you just never know if you will be the lucky one

That's what doctor Phill says not me him

What do you call "lasting"? How long does two people have to stay together for it to be considered "successful, or lasting"? I was the OW and my partner and I have been together now for almost 20 yrs after the affair came to light and ended both our marriages. I call that lasting. So if ours were to end tomorrow, does that mean it didn't "last"? Hardly. I'd say 20 yrs in any relationship can be considered to have "lasted".

He has probably cheated on you, maybe with his ex wife, lasting? I bet the guilt will last longer than your "20 years"

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I'll keep this short, NO......

I read a few stories and see why most of the Wives feel the way they do. I have been on both sides. My children's father was not the man 4 Me we got along just fine but he fell out of love for me and I held on as tight as I could for my son. It only got worse we no longer had things in common nor even liked watching the same TV shows. From the outside looking in we where perfect I wanted my son to have his father at home to help guide him through life but that choice almost cost me my life. Yes I am the other woman now. I simply met the love of my life before his marriage could be ended. We met by default and shared stories of our lives, stories of our childhoods we shared stories of what we have lived through and our experinces, ideas and past mimic each other <br />
Its as if we where watching a replay of our past life. <br />
before being my lover he was my best friend. Yes u may say he lied to me because he was and still is married but I never asked I assumed he was divorced because of how much of his time he gave me because I As the other woman am not a secret to friends family and associates. How can this be? How is it that I'm in the picture? Why have I been so accepted by the people he is surrounded by. Why because he was miserable he is miserable. His wife is not liked by the people who are close to him. I am the other woman and I'm not in hiding. I had dinner with his mother and 90 year old grandmother. This woman who has lived this life 2 x more past my age is happy her grandson found a woman like me. How? He is still married. This is why a I never asked. Not all of our MM are the same not all ow are the same. I'm am a secret to his wife now for over 6 months why because when he decided to leave she tormented him to take his children and all he had worked so hard for. He cares for her even after all this and we talk about it constantly. I sent him to counseling I told him to stay home. Is he trying to work things out at first he thought he could do so but counseling session after counseling session it became clear to him there was nothing left to save. All the outside help has not made his feelings change. The W did her own thing until I came alongThis is when she started to tend to her husband and he is disgusted by it time and time again he reached out to her. To tired to talk, to tired to go out with his friends, to tired to show him affection to tired for sex. He feels trapped because he is forced to stay home and attempt to work things out. I'm making him stay home and somewhat try. I want him here with me not there it saddens me to know I could be by his side right now this very momentLeaving right noe is not worth losing his children. I am a mother of both a son and a daughter and I tried to spare my children from not having father but in my case it ended up better separating. The W has pleaded to give her 1 to prove she could change but He is no longer in love. At first his children where put against him not until he returned home did they respect him as a father again ( his children are teens)This is irritating to him. He has returned to me because I know where my MM was and is nowWe read all these negative stories because these are the stories that are mostly written about. Is he telling her he loves her No! How am I so sure because he calls her in my presence and over and over the same things are discussed between them. Has he had sex with his wife Yes! This destroys me and I hate it and when he has done so he has called me upset about it and gets so sick to his stomach. He can't look at his wife sexually he has tried time and time again he simply cannot function. How do i know this because to ease his guilt towards me he has called me. It was horrible he felt he had to reassured me of his honesty. People may not approve of the relationship I'm in. But we are honest and share everything with each other the thrill from hidding that is often talked about I do not share or will share because when we are together I am not the other woman I am the Woman. He goes home to her because he is obligated to do so for the sake of his children. I am a secret to her and how that secret is possible is beyond me. I step aside when it comes to them. How and why people have not said a word to her is also beyond me. I've never met this woman and never plan on it. I feel no guilt for loving My MM. This situation is complicated. I'm sorry to all the Wives who have been hurt and all the husband's who have had to lie. I'm not living in a fairytale I'm giving up part of what I know will be my happiness because I'm not going to selfishly just think of my self. Things are not black and white and we are not going to give up what we share and feel. Time is what is needed. I may now be the reason he cannot love his wife but I was not the reason why he stopped.

Your story is filled with contradictions. No one is being honest and everyone is being cheated on. You ARE the other woman unless you don't believe in the covenant of marriage. If he wants out, he needs to get DIVORCED regardless of what it COSTS him. (another sign of a narcissist) He is already setting an example to his children how a mother should be treated and doesn't care (another sign of a narcissist). You don't care either (narcissist). It goes on and on.

I'm sure grandma is estatic that out of all the decent women out there he picked a woman with such low self esteem to be his mistress. One day he'll be talking about you to another woman like he talks about his wife to you. Have fun

Why is he not divorced and why are you still the OW? I don't understand. Your MM sounds like a cake man and nothing more. My husband filed for divorce as soon as we met, about 2 weeks later to be exact, though he was separated and out of his home by the time I came into the picture. I just don't get why or how your MM is not divorced. Wake up and smell the coffee, this is going to go on as long as you enable yourself to put up with it. What incentive does he even have to divorce?

It seems as if there are a ton of people on this site judging the actions of others. But what seems to be forgotten by everyone is it takes two to make a relationship work. My husband now cheated on his first wife with me. It happened once and was a complete mistake. We called it off, he left her and a few months later we started dating. We have been together for six years, have made it through a whole lot of judgements and are happier than we have ever been. My cousins wife cheated on him and he returned the favor. However he ended up finding the love of his life doping so. They have kids and have been extremely happy for ten years now. In this day in age marriage is often portrayed as the "next step" or she/he did " their time". Many people find themselves getting married for the wrong reasons and by the time they realize it is usually too late. If you don't know yourself then how can you possibly be happy with someone else? Is it possible for someone to get in a relationship and get married and realize they made a huge mistake? Absolutely! The problem is that a majority of times the person finds someone else that is either more suited for them or just an escape from life while they are married. In my case, my husband realized how unhappy both him and his wife were, how different they were from when they met and ended it regardless. They both are now with people more suited for each other and much more happy bc of it. Is he a piece of **** as many of you claim? Not at all.

The fact of the matter is that each case is very very different from each other. Just bc your husband ran off with a twenty year old for the sake of having a fling doesn't mean that's what happens in all affairs and vice versa. Making mistakes is only human. And it is possible for the mistake to have been the marriage AS WELL as the affair. The important thing is what a person does after they realize their mistake that really matters. And whichever side of the fence you stand on, just remember, there is always two sides to every story. So, before writing more bullshit judge mental comments, you may want to ask yourself if you are thinking logically and one the entire story. Thanks.

End the marriage before you start the affair. Simple.

Sometimes they try but some spouses see marriage as a deed to another human being. Property. Some spouses cheat and hide the affair. Then, the marriage breaks down and the other spouse strays. What happened is the people DID leave the marriage. It's not the Freaking piece of paper. HELLO people. It's the marriage between two people that counts. If people leave it, they cannot sit their and claim that "we're still married" because we think it's held together with a freaking document. What is funny to me.... wife cheated a lied for YEARS. Husband was broken down. She told him she hated him and wished him dead but needed his support and child care while she went clubbing. Then, when he falls in love (no sex until the legal separation) and leaves to be with this person, it's evil and unforgivable. He TOLD her the truth from the get-go. Now as the OW, I'm vilified for life and she has destroyed all potential for good relationships for the kids. I guess what should have happened is that he lie to her like she did and then all would be good. Right?

All this is complicated. My ex cheated on me and I NEVER looked at the OW to be scapegoat. It was OUR marriage failure. It was HIS bad choice. To focus it all on her just points to deep insecurity. Women are HORRENDOUS to each other because we compete to win the man in this world. It gives men all the power. If your husband cheats... there is a reason. The marriage is ill. An affair is a symptom, not the cause. Get mad at him. It's his commitment to you that you're mad about. He has a mind. No woman can MAKE him leave you if your marriage is in tact. Women are not all powerful. Men are not brainless idiots. They are choosing. To talk this way about your man says you have ZERO respect for him in the first place. You can't even recognize his ability to make choice for himself. Marriage isn't human servitude. My DH is free to leave anytime. I'd be hurt, sure. But, he is not my freaking prisoner. I'd sooner be alone that with a man who didn't love to share life with me. Period.

Ever heard that song, "Hold on loosely"? People don't like to feel as if they are property. Let them be free to be with you because they choose to be, not because you will destroy them if they are not. As a result, maybe they will want to be.

You'll be singing a different tune when it's your turn to be cheated on. Have fun

This is true garbage!

Essenceofflaneen you talk a about a 'genuine spiritual connection' some research on the net. You will find very few men talking about this genuine spiritual connection or true love they've found with another woman. It's always blogs from the other woman whose tone sounds desperate and unsure. But still telling herself and stating it on the internet to reaffirm herself that.... she's found a love so great that it cannot be denied, even if it hurts people. This is usually the stand point from the woman's point of view, who is in denial; "his marriage is a prison", "he doesn't really love her or never did", "we have a special bond like no other". No.....this is from your perspective only and based on the word of a cheater. These men (your man) doesn't go on the internet and talk about his undeniable connection with you. You don't know the first thing about their marriage. You don't know that he feels the same way about you than you do about him. Of course he says he does and you believe it, because you want to. Quit the denial. Quit the unhealthy obsession. If you look at the facts, the chances are he's just telling you what you want to hear because he wants the thrill of an affair because he's possibly bored with life. Maybe he is in an unhappy place and it has nothing to do with his wife's shortcomings. But "my man is different". NO, he is not. Take everything he says with a big grain of salt. When reality sets in and IF he leaves his wife for you (uncommon), but then reality sets in; you'd better keep up the excitement and edge because as soon he gets bored of you, you're going to find yourself in the same shoes as the wife you made so many uneducated conclusions about.

Bravo...unless you find out that he is not the man you thought he was, remember a man is only as good as the company he keeps! My husband was a good man, not ambitious, and came across to the OW that he was. She is currently finding out differently. He has no identity, she controlls his life, he is angry and mean all the time, very sad.

To the author of this article and any of the ‘other women’ reading this. I am the ‘wife’…..

My husband and I had just bought the house of our dreams and were trying to conceive our second child and while we were trying for a baby, he got involved in an affair with a work colleague. He told her the baby was an ‘accident’ even though we were trying for 5 months and she continued the affair on the basis that our marriage problems were nothing to do with her. When I confronted the other woman and told her to leave my husband alone and begged her not destroy my family, she gave me the same speech; their love was something so powerful and she claimed that we had marriage problems that were nothing to do with the affair….like she somehow knew more about my marriage than I did.

Okay, now let me set you all straight; men who cheat lie! Yours is no different!

In my case, I had no idea there were any marital problems and he never tried to talk to me or go to marriage counselling or even acted unhappy…in fact, while she was telling herself that he was unhappy in our marriage, he was telling me he was more in love with me than ever. She broke up with her partner for him. She even waited at home patiently while we went on a family holiday to Fiji. Does that sound like a man who is in an unhappy marriage as my ‘OW’ tells herself? Yes, she was the problem.

I kicked him out when I was 5 months pregnant as he kept sneaking around with this other woman who so naively thought they had something special. She thinks he left because he wanted to leave…..

And to the author of this article, has it occurred to you that your ‘man’ doesn’t want a divorce, but his wife who knows about the affair kicked him out and you are the one who is the second choice? My husband moved in with his mistress a few months ago, again, on the basis that he left voluntary; he is now already sick to death of her, there is no excitement without the ‘affair’ secrecy and he is now taking steps to change jobs so that he can dump her in one clean move and not have to face her at work. And she, like the author of this article, is thinking she won some great love.

There are plenty of fish in the sea and you other women should never assume that what a cheating spouse is saying is true; 99% of the time, 99% of it is all lies and he is telling you what you want to hear to keep the mystery and thrill alive (for now). There are very few exceptions so stop trying to justify it as ‘different’.

And can I also just that when my husband and I first met, he said and did all the right things and we both felt our love was truly something magical and special. All relationships, after the first couple of years of day to day life, get stale and boring. The OW here who feel that hurting others for that special and unique love, will find themselves in a boring old relationship even if he does leave his wife for you. And once it is a boring old stale relationship....he has shown how he responds to that; not by speaking to you about it and working things out, but by running off and finding that new 'spark' with someone else. It very rarely works out the way you think it will.

And for the 'OW' in my case, she has been so naive, telling herself whatever she needs to to place herself in the 'gray' area, rather than accepting that she was unlikely to live happily ever after with my husband. For her 18 months of secrecy and lies with my husband, she has left a trail of destruction that will take a lot longer to fix and the consequences not just to me, but to my two small children who may never have the priveledge of experiencing a family of mum, dad and kids.


Your are fooling yourself. Many wives say all the same things you have said here, simply because they cannot/will not accept that their husbands were not happy in the marriage with you. Yes I agree that cheating husbands lie. They have to in order to cheat. BUT, I also believe the cheating is a symptom of a bigger problem at home and if a man is truly happy and his needs are being met at home he will not cheat. I was the OW once, and yes the husband went on trips with his wife, and did bought her gifts, etc. And while I know some of the stuff the husband told me was lies, I knew and expected that, I also know that he was deeply unhappy in the marriage and just did what was expected to keep the family going, that included going on trips and buying the wife gifts to keep her quiet and as he said many times, to appease her and keep her happy and trusting (leaving him the freedom to spend more time with me). Men who cheat have figured out all kinds of ways to give the wife what she wants and make her feel happy in an effort to continue what he's doing outside.

He also did not talk to his wife about his unhappiness and never try to go for counselling, etc. And when I asked him why he said: I just couldn't open up and be honest with her about how I felt, she just doesn't have it in her to be the type of person that I could freely open up to or be honest with.

I think as a wife you were blind to what was going on and truly not tuned in to what your husband was feeling. Just because he went through the motions with you and went on trips and "acted" happy doesn't mean he was. And this is a common mistake a lot of married women make, assuming that because a husband doesn't say anything, he must be happy. That's simply not true. Silence is not an indicator of happiness. Most often it's an indicator of a "much deeper" unhappiness.

Yes cheating men lie, but they lie more to their wives than they do to their mistresses. It's one of the reasons they enjoy being with the mistress as much, because they can open up and be honest in ways they never could with their wives.

Are there mistresses who fool themselves, yes. Are their wives who fool themselves - heck yeah. You fool yourself into believing that your husband still loves you while he's boinking someone else, you fool yourself into believing he was happy until the mistress came along, you fool yourself into believing that the mistress is the problem. Happy, in-love men don't go looking for other women it's that simple. Whether you clue in to the unhappiness or not is another issue, but it doesn't mean it's not there.

If wives wanted to cheat-proof their marriage they'd do well to listen to a lot of what the other women are saying, it'll give you valuable insight into what leads men astray, what they look for from these ow.

If the wife if the man I was involved with gave him what I did he wouldn't have been risking his family and jumping thru hoops to get to see me and spend time with me. And he wasn't come to me for the sex, we were actually emotionally involved for over a year before we ever became intimate, so it wasn't the sex that kept him coming back.

PS: When I ended my affair with him, he still left the wife and filed for divorce, he had found the strength to do so and simply could not go back to being in that unhappy marriage.

Delusional "Yes cheating men lie, but they lie more to their wives than they do to their mistresses. It's one of the reasons they enjoy being with the mistress as much, because they can open up and be honest in ways they never could with their wives."

I know for a fact my ex told his OW that I refused to divorce him for 9 months while I did everything I could to get the divorce (including filing). He refused to leave the house, he refused to divorce while telling his OW that I was the holdup. So maybe the guy you screwed around with was honest with you, but I kinda doubt it. The depth of deception someone has to stoop to in order to have a long term affair indicates their total lack of compunction about lying to anyone and everyone.

Mine was not sexual for 2 years and until they were separated. He told her day 1 after he realized he was in love. She had been having an affair with her boss for years and he didn't find that out until the end. Funny, she thought keeping it secret meant it would have no effect on the marriage. wrong. Anyway, his fear of divorce was like most men's fear... scorned women seek the bias of the court system to rake them over the coals. Next, they use their children to poison all future relationships. Most men DO love their children and are not leaving their children, but leaving the wife. Women turn it into, "he left us." Not in the best interest of the children to never again believe their Daddy ever loved them. But at least she feels vindicated.

Well, he did leave her 15 years ago and we are very happy married with no affairs going on. We adore being WITH each other... something she never wanted because she wanted "autonomy" and separation. Yea, so she could chase other men and he could provide for her. DH was a good old fashioned man who wanted a traditional marriage like his parents had. Like we now have. She fought him from day one of the marriage on that. He knows now that it was a mistake because she was not that woman. She claims to be happier without him, but she never got over her anger. What is interesting is that he we never angry at her over her affair and outright lies about it. He never damaged the children by badmouthing her over it either. Maybe he should have kept it secret from her and then she wouldn't be still spewing venom in an effort to destroy him?

Some women don't see that an affair is a symptom of a very troubled marriage. The two people failed to do the work and keep it together. It's hard to admit when someone is leaving you. So I think, instead of getting honest about WHY, they find a scapegoat. They never resolve their anger because they never look to understand their part in the failure of it. If my DH did cheat, it would be HIM I blame. period. We women spend all our time competing for the man's attention, we will give HIM a pass and go after the competition. It makes us look insecure and weak.

"If it's never our fault, we can't take responsibility for it. If we can't take responsibility for it, we'll always be its victim" ~ Richard Bach

Doddlin, I agree!

Really well said.

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You all really should get over yourselves. People make decisions in their lives for many different reasons and you never know what cards someone is dealt in life. Who are any of us to judge. It takes two people to keep a successful relationship. I am certainly not. Making excuses for anyone, however, a person does not cheat because they are happy. A close friend of mine told me one day that she was getting a divorce. I asked why in astonishment thinking something had happened. She said that nothing did, but she knew if she stayed with him that something would on either side. Life is too short to be with someone that doesn't want to be with you and vice versa. The end.

Your friend is an honest person of integrity who did not have an affair. She didn't deceive her spouse, that is the difference. If my ex had simply divorced me I would have been OK with that, stealing years of my life life lying to me when I could have found someone trustworthy is the issue.

As mentioned, Harrie51 You have no idea who I am, no I do not need Therepy. I am not the angry one. I am in a good place, I am successful always have been. I do not miss my x-husband, he lost a very good friend. I was just making a statement that you turned around to make yourself feel good about how you conduct your life. The woman my husband left me for has been married 5 times and has been in a lesbian relationship. She is reckless. It's about the win. My x is her number 6! See, you have no idea what you are talking about, or to whom!

Ladies- You are just in denial with yourselves. You say a husband cannot be stolen..We have more power than men in our pinky finger. We can for the most part get whatever we want. I believe this has been a blast being on this site, I am not telling you want you want to hear. You ultimatley decide what choices to make in your own life. You have to deal with whatever the outcome is. I just do not understand why some women do not respect other women. We are a sisterhood! So, before you get involved with a MM get the facts, do not get caught up in the romance or the thrill. Due diligence for yourself and everyone involved. This has been fun!

A sisterhood really? I have never been treated nice by any woman anywhere. Women are outright MEAN and nasty to each other when it gets down to it. It's all competition to win the man because we give the power to choose - to MEN. We do all sort of stupid **** to try to win men... at our own expense. That is why the OW gets all the venom. The wife does not want to give him credit for making the decision to leave her because that hurts worse than thinking someone you could care less about robbed you. Maybe one of the reasons men leave their wives is because they don't even have enough respect for them to know that they are capable of thinking and making decisions for themselves. They assume they are just a paycheck with a penis brain. I once heard that in relationships, women want love and men want respect. Trying to reduce him to someone who can be stolen is basically stating he is property.

Yup. I'm wife #2 and I was the other woman to the other DH left wife #1 to live with his OW, met me, eventually left OW to move in with me, we married 16 years ago and have 2 children. All that said, he's emotionally checked out & now I'm wandering around seeking connection again.

I see no reason the OW can't become the only woman - just as many single men emotionally unavailable. It's all a bit of a crap shoot after all.

In 2008, I broke up with my boyfriend of 5 years. He had asked me to marry him several times, but I knew that we weren't ready. I didn't want to make the same mistakes that many of my family and friends have made. Too many times I have seen young couples get married bc it was the "next step." Unfortunately, we live an a society where getting married and having kids is the "right" thing to do even if its not with the right person. So, after my breakup I started to hang out with friends at work. I dated around a little and was just relaxed. I didn't want to be in a relationship. I was finally free of feeling like I had to be in one. Over the year I got close to a guy at work, someone I thought was just a friend. He was newly married with a child on the way. We were all so happy for him. Him and I worked together a few times a week and would just talk about life. We had an extremely strong connection, but I never once thought much about it bc he was married. It wasn't even a thought in my mind until we went to a work party and he told me his feelings. I let him know that we obviously had a connection but there was nothing we could do about it and he agreed and we acted like nothing happened. The next months proceeding I stayed clear of him. I would go to various work parties, but wouldn't go if they were at his house. My best friend at the time who also worked with us said I was being ridiculous; we were drunk and he was confused. She started to befriend his wife and decided she would plan a baby shower. I refused to be apart of it bc of how awkward and disrespectful that would be! A few months later, the baby came and everything was fine. Him and I were still friends a work, he was excited about the baby of course. And that's when I started thinking my friend was right. I was being ridiculous. I started hanging out with everyone again like before. One night my friend asked me to take him home bc she wasn't able too. Him and I started talking and he invited me over to hang out one night. I tole him i didn't think it was appropriate and he said that he knows that nothing can happen between us and it wouldn't. I desperately wanted to say yes and I didn't. And then Friday came and I thought a few drinks wouldn't hurt and showed up anyway to his surprise. We had an awesome time and were "just friends." Neither one of us ever thought that you could emotionally cheat as well. His wife was gone for a few weeks and we hung out almost every day. Our chemistry was so strong, something that we knew either one of us have ever felt before. And it happened, we had sex. It was amazing. In those two weeks I forgot about anything and everyone in my life. It was like I was on a vacation and no one knew me. I reasoned with myself saying that it was just these two weeks and it would be done. No one would find out. It truly felt like it was a once in a lifetime thing and I would regret it if I didn't do this. We spoke about everything, our current relationships, our past. He tole me how unhappy he was and he thought he tried to work on things but it was a lost cause. He was staying with her bc of the baby bc that was the right thing to do. I understood. We promised to each other that after those two weeks nothing would happen. And nothing did. Two weeks went by and it was fine. Nothing changed at work we were still friends. Then his wife found out by seeing the phone bill. He told her the truth and she was devastated but wanted to work on things. A few days later he said to her that he didn't. When he told me what was going on, I let him know that I wouldn't be with him. I couldn't be the reason they divorced, especially with a baby. He told me that he could not be the father he wanted to be with her and he was leaving her anyways. I still said no and he still divorced her. Despite what she thinks and told everyone, him and it didn't get together for two months. She had moved out into another place and they were separated, but I didn't feel comfortable with the situation. Two months later he asked me out and something inside of me couldn't say no. At this time his wife was already dating her now husband. I don't know if I was the other woman or not but it didn't matter. The 6 months proceeding their split up I was sent text message after text message about how I was a ***** and a tramp. A destroyer of family and on and on even when the wife was dating the same time. I thought I deserved that though. His wife told him that she was pregnant and that she was going to take his kids away from him unless he comes back, she said she had stds, she threatened his life, stole money, etc. I thought we both deserved that. And then I got pregnant and it wasn't until I lost the baby due to stress that I realized enough was enough. I sent her an email confronting her letting her know that I made a mistake, apologizing bc my mistake wasn't being with him now, it was being with him for those two weeks. And even though I know that us being together hurts her, we are together. I told her that I am not ok with anymore threats, text messages, names, lies, etc and that legal action will be taken if it continued. She backed down a little and I knew that I would never take any legal action, but it got much better over the years. She has done some crazy things the last 4 years, but we are cordial, especially for the now 4 year olds sake. We share 50 percent custody of the baby and he is my pride and joy. He loves all 4 of his parents and wouldn't know life any differently. We have our problems and his step father hates my fiancé and I but, I don't care anymore. We have a crazy strong connection still to this day, we push each other to do better, we both went back to school and are fulfilling our dreams and try fiancé and I are better parents then we ever dreamed we would be. Things could have been done differently, but mistakes were made and there is no way to go back. However, either way, the same outcome would have happened. I was meant to be my stepsons step mom and my Fiance's wife.

Ironically enough, my fiancé and I found out from an old friend that his ex was cheating on him as we'll. he had no idea and she definitely wasn't honest with him. The funny thing about it all is it was right before they were married and it went on for over 6 months. My fiancé is not the type of person like his ex to make a victim out of himself and tell the world what she did. But, clearly, they were both really unhappy to both fall for someone else while still in a relationship. And as far as his ex goes, she dragged both of our names in the ground as hard as she could, not only was he given the title of a terrible father, but I would never be as good as she was, their son would hate him and I, and I would leave him the second I got the chance. She said that karma would take care of us. Maybe losing the baby was karma, maybe it wasn't,but what I know now is that she is married to the guy she was dating a month after they split and she is still unhappy. Her son prefers to be with us more for some reason and my fiancé and I are back in school to fulfill our dreams. But still, I think she will always try to be in competition with us and I think her husband will always be rude to us and that's ok. Mistakes were made by me and by my fiancé, we should have waited. But, we have not once made any mistakes since and have never once tried to tarnish anyone's name and for that reason alone, is why I think she is miserable still and we are not.

So common. I have a similar story. Wife has affair for years and keeps it secret. Marriage is VERY damaged. Husband has an emotional affair, tells her of it day one. She spends the rest of her life working to destroy everyone, including her kids relationship with their Father and extended family. It worked. I guess she feels better.

It can happen, OW/OM can become new spouses. It's unfortunate that the timing of the two of you coming together couldn't have happened at a time when you were both free, but then, perhaps you wouldn't have needed each other the way you did or you would be different people all the way around. You found love that most people will never know. The stigma will eventually fade, it might be you that holds onto it the longest. If you can let it go, it sounds like you can be in a happy, loving relationship openly with this man. Just because the two of you are free to get married doesn't mean you have to. That's so much pressure. Just be together, enjoy each other and let things happen in their own time. Good luck to both of you, I wish you the best. :)

Can you please site your sources of how you know all of this? Or do you speak from experience? Quite honestly, I think you are WAY off on so many points. Have a your opinion, I disagree with it, is all. I have no desire to debate a topic where my mind will not be changed. I'm simply just curious how you are able to predict all these out comes and why you seem to believe that the outcome will be the same regardless of circumstance.

I am not asking you to agree or disagree. I just want you to think about not just yourself but everyone involved. I am single now, I have been single before I married of course. I had my share of married men ask me for my number. I was disgusted with the fact that they would believe I would engage myself with them. I let them have it. Furthermore I would not allow myself to become involved with a man fresh out of a marriage. But that is me, Moral me. I believe myself to be stronger than that. I am not affraid to be on my own and the lord has blessed me with a wonderful life. I am not going to screw it up on someone who cant take care of his business first!

I bet you've never done anything that would be considered immoral, right? Nothing that ever hurt someone else? Pointing out how somebody else's picture is crooked, makes our picture hang straighter, right? Judge not. We are all capable of wrongdoing. We are here to learn and grow - evolve. The point becomes whether or not you do learn and work to become a better person. None of us are perfect.

Ladies- Let me expalain something to you! Men will paint any picture you wish to here about the betrayed wife. A time comes in a mans life after years of Marriage when they have expierenced complacency, redundancy also being concerned with thier own personal happiness ( midlife). They will tell you what ever you want to here, they want to get your attention. You do not know what the wife expierenced in her marriage, you do not even know her, you have no clue. You are left to believe a man, who is dishonest, and has not done diligence at home. You know...when a man's golf game suffers he gets lessons and believe me it costs money. When your eyes are failing, you go to the eye doctor, and the same when you are ill. But! When your marriage is rocky, or needs stimulation, nothing is done. Looking into another direction these days seems to be the answer. Who wins, no one! Who looses wheather it be now or down the road. The kids! I believe that if divorce is a question, you first should do everything to avoid it, not when it is to late, do diligence! If Divorce is something that needs to happen, it needs to be done with care. It needs to be handled without interference, all steps should be handled with the utmost consideration and compassion, for all involved. Cheating is not an option! Boundries women...Moral code. Step away let him take care of his business at home correctly. if he makes it back to you, your relationship will last.

Lost my husband of 21 years to a woman with no boundries. No consideration for the big picture and the effect it would have on anybody! I am 50% responsible for the marriage failing. But... I was not the reckless one. I was the one who tried to get help, it was too late. And ...when I asked him to have her step aside while we took care of our business, she would not. It was not why he left , it was how he left. it concerns me that some folks need to leave for someone. They give themselves no time to project and expierence the loneliness that is nessessary to move forward. It is reckless, inconsiderate behavior. Now you are looking at my shared opinion and even me reading, think that I am bitter..No! this is happening all over the country and it makes me sick! I am not alone, I have read my story happen countless times. Women and Men who walk away for what they believe is greener grasses. Eventually the cycle for the most part happens again. My kids are the ones who are expierencing the blunt force. The betrayer has to work at his/her new relationship and neglects thier past commitments, kids, family, dog, home, etc.! Then expects everyone to except his/her new decisions in life. When things dont move thier way, not easy...who gets blamed the betrayed..guess who moves on, I did, he has not, and he has remarried, he should be happy. But no he is angry. Why?

What I think, and I will be done here...
Surely the craziest and most destructive form of infidelity is the temporary insanity of falling in love. You do this, not when you meet somebody wonderful (wonderful people don't screw around with married people) but when you are going through a crisis in your own life, can't continue living your life, and aren't quite ready for suicide yet. An affair with someone grossly inappropriate—someone decades younger or older, someone dependent or dominating, someone with problems even bigger than your own—is so crazily stimulating that it's like a drug that can lift you out of your depression and enable you to feel things again. Of course, between moments of ecstasy, you are more depressed, increasingly alone and alienated in your life, and increasingly hooked on the affair partner. Ideal romance partners are damsels or "dumsels" in distress, people without a life but with a lot of problems, people with bad reality testing and little concern with understanding reality better.
Romantic affairs lead to a great many divorces, suicides, homicides, heart attacks, and strokes, but not to very many successful remarriages. No matter how many sacrifices you make to keep the love alive, no matter how many sacrifices your family and children make for this crazy relationship, it will gradually burn itself out when there is nothing more to sacrifice to it. Then you must face not only the wreckage of several lives, but the original depression from which the affair was an insane flight into escape.
People are most likely to get into these romantic affairs at the turning points of life: when their parents die or their children grow up; when they suffer health crises or are under pressure to give up an addiction; when they achieve an unexpected level of job success or job failure; or when their first child is born—any situation in which they must face a lot of reality and grow up. The better the marriage, the saner and more sensible the spouse, the more alienated the romantic is likely to feel. Romantic affairs happen in good marriages even more often than in bad ones.
Both genders seem equally capable of falling into the temporary insanity of romantic affairs, though women are more likely to reframe anything they do as having been done for love. Women in love are far more aware of what they are doing and what the dangers might be. Men in love can be extraordinarily incautious and willing to give up everything. Men in love lose their heads—at least for a while..Why would you want this! I will excuse myself from this site! But...I am a woman just like you!

My ex also left me for another woman. Very long story but my main point is that I kept trying to make things better, he left and now HE'S angry. How does that work? You are so correct in the value of being alone and learning about yourself and how strong you really are. That will not happen to me again. I can't say that no one will ever cheat but I will not be destroyed by another man ever.

So if a person divorces and the family unit is broken and THEN meets someone, that is ok? The children won't have all the issues that you mentioned in your latest response? Or will it still be the fault of the person who left the marriage if their children have problems in life? If a person is cheating and willing to leave their spouse for their lover, their marriage was already over. You can't steal one person from another. Based on your age, I'd think life experience and wisdom would kick in.

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confused - how is this possible "deep emotional scars from childhood and from our marriages (him 29 years and me 10) and we were both sexually satisfied in our marriages)." does not make sense

Thanks for this post,
its almost as if people think that us other women have no bloody feelings at all. its all "oh your marriage will be based on lies" "you'll never get a happy ending and nobody will even care about you because u brought it on yourself"
i just read an article on which basically SLATES other women down to the ground. it devestated me and maybe so much because it rang true and i dont want that life. i also dont want to be without my man.
im so full of anxiety right now, i just want to see some success stories! x

I love this story and know of a few on here that will also appreciate it. Thank you so much. I'm all choked up from a few other stories so my words are light.

My relationship with my husband began when he was still married to his first wife for 20 years in what he described as "an emotional wasteland". They attended family events together, slept in the same bed, made the usual daily chit chat, but spent most of their awake and home time in two separate areas of the house. He did try to discuss their lack of closeness with her many, many times over the years, but she always told him she was too tired to talk, too tired to go out, too tired for sex, she didn't like his family and friends well enough to spend any more time with them than absolutely necessary, and no, they didn't need counseling, and he was being unrealistic to want more. And btw, when was he getting his next raise? So when I met him, it didn't take much for him to end it and move in with me without a backward glance or tinge of guilt, although his ex was absolutely astounded he wanted a divorce. We married a year and a half later. That was 15 years ago. We are nearly inseparable, we have never fought, we laugh all the time, and I am very close to both his children as well as his family. His ex is still bitter but I don't lose sleep over it, although I am still branded forever as the OW in her eyes.

I bet he cheats on you. Yeah, you obviously need to read the Chump Lady...

Your story is identical to mine. Married now 10 years, together 12. Sounds like you have a beautiful family.

I am so glad I've come across this post and all the responses. I have now posted my own story and am glad I can learn more about other people's experiences with this.

Thank you

Sorry, if you cheat, you are ho bag. Any man or woman who carries on an affair behind their spouse' back is a psychopath.

It can happen. Heck it does happen. But I think it's likely harder. You already know the other person will cheat. You know you are susceptible. I have a friend in a similar situation as you and she and her "affair" (I hate that word when it's deeper than a fling, but it's what we have.) did marry. She says there's always that underlying knowledge that either of them could stray again if things get tough, and she hates that.

Good luck for you. You sound like a good person whose's been in a bad place.


I have heard "through the grapevine" that the OW has already been to the hospital and has had to access mental health services because of domestic violence. My ex husband is also back on the "Online Friendship Sites" what he callls dating sites looking for the next OW. I hope he doesn't do this in front of his grandson who he has a lot.

I am not strong. I feel like crying every day but I put a smile on my face and go to work and go do my job. I will be damned if he sees me upset.

@ afghanwife, so many different kinds of stories. I am glad you were strong enough to love yourself enough to not be abused anymore. I think that too many women stay too long. It is one thing to believe a prayer of faith for a man that wants to change but it is another thing when a person has made a firm decision and we refuse to accept reality and embrace the rest of our lives. Kudos to you for your strength and compassion!

I have been divorced for a year and separated from him for 2 1/2 years. I miss him every day but have to deal with the fact that he doesn't love me so I am moving on the best I can.

Thank you for your kind words essenceoflaneen. I actually kicked my ex out for his relationship with the OW. He proposed to her before we even separated. He was so abusive it was insane. He actually paid her to be with him. The cost was $1,000 for 12 hours. I have lost everything and was actually homeless for a while. I do not know how they are doing. I still love my ex husband so I am hope he is doing well and is happy. I lost a relationship with my adult sons and actually didn't even meet my grandson until he was six months old. I wish everyone much happiness and love.

For the record when I was in my late teens, I was the OW; however, when I found out he was married and in a committed relationship I ended it but not soon enough. I ended up pregnant with my oldest son and I destroyed my relationship at that time which was never fixable.

I am saying because I have been on both sides of fence and I feel for anyone that is involved in a three-way relationship and can empthatize versus sympathize with them.

My ex husband left me for the OW.

afghanexwife, so sorry for your pain. You know it has been a while since this all started with me and my compassion for the people that got hurt along the way is at an entirely different place. I would like to have done things differently and better but all I can do is be a better person going forward. So what is your story? How long have you been divorced? How are things going with your ex and the OW?

essenceoflaneen; I can only hope other people read your reply and learn from your experience so they can do things different before hurting others and leaving a trail of destruction. Not sure if you have already, but would be great for you to post a new topic about why things didn't work and what you learnt so it can help others in this situation learn from it.

What a nice way to justify and romanticize your adultery

thanks for sharing you story<br />
im an OW too and its hard although he said his happy with his marriage i know his not coz his just staying for his sons sake the wife used to cheat on him and showing it to our co workers and too him too but she begged him to stay because of the child and she uses the child as an excuse over and over...we were not<br />
together that time wen the wife cheated on him it started after 3 yrs! i didnt and couldnt believe i started an affair with him, im single and his married... i love him sooo much that i dont think i can live with out him... i cant ask him to leave her bec i do t have the right too.. im just here waiting and its hard super hard... i dunno what to expect anymore!

thank you for sharing your story, it has helped me alot because i too feel guilty and people always seem to think it is all about sex whne the truth is we fell in love being 1200 miles apart and no intercourse, it did later become physical but the friendship love and respect were already there, i dont know if we will have a happy ever after because i share the same reservations i dont want his children well the one remaing at home to blame me for something that was already gone but i feelif we do move forward as we plan in the near future she will resent our relationship, i taled him into to staying and allowing his wife to return home because i needed to have a clear conscience but at the end of the day and seeing the unhappiness and stress it caused i know feel diffrently and he still wants a divorce but doesnt want to be the one to file so it bothers me, i trust him completly i know he is open and honest with me and our relationship is not a secret his family friends and coworker as well as adult children know about me, as well as his wife but now she doent want to leave out of spite she doesnt want him but she doesnt want to see him happy with anyone else, and i feel i have to ask him to make some kind of decision for his self and for eveyone involved stay unhappily married be with me be single or with someone else if he so chooses but atleast do something, do u feel like im wrong for feeling this way? please help im losing way to much sleep over this even when hes here with me!

If he wanted to leave, he would have. He isn't leaving his wife for you. Accept it, learn from it and move on. What he tells you and what he tells his wife are two very different things and you are foolish to believe him.

Your statement about children being better off in a happy single parent family versus an intact family is false, very false. Especially when their is adultery involved. Adultery harms every person it touches, it is selfish and at its core a cruel thing to do.

I am happy to know that you have a good ending to your situation. I am also in a similar kind of situation but the difference is he always says he is in a good marriage. I mean he has no problems with his wife. I admit that I am not in a good marriage and so only I am into this situation. I feel people involving in any extra relationships should have a genuine reason to fall into that and have guts to go ahead. I do not know how my relation will be in future.Any way good luck to you..

Thanks for your story, it gives me hope! My boyfriend and I met when we were both married, but our marriages were over long before we met. I have since been divorced but he is still married. It's been over a year and a half, and it will probably be at least another nine months before anything happens. It's so hard.

It takes at least some courtship to lead to love. You know it could happen. You know if you stand on a slippery riverbank, you could fall in.

Think of this. If all of the wives and OW agreed not to judge each other or believe things on heresay then here's the situation- Wife- I don't think you're what people say you are. I don't judge you.<br />
OW- I don't think you are the way your husband says you are. I don't judge you.<br />
Difference being, one is the wife already. If you truly didn't believe that you should be judged, you would back away from another womans husband because you would not be listening to him and judging her.

I understand what you're saying here, but (I can only speak for myself and my own situation - which is now ended) the man I was with never spoke badly of his wife, ever. As a matter of fact, I assumed she must be a lovely person for him to love her. You can argue that if he loved her he wouldn't have been with me, but I'd disagree. I loved my husband as well. The affair had nothing to do with either of them. It was about us. We became best friends, we enjoyed each other. I'm not going to say we weren't selfish. We most certainly were, extremely selfish, but we each had our reasons that allowed us to internally justify our behavior. His reasons being his own, mine being mine. And I could go into the reasons, but I won't. That could take all day. And some may think they're not good enough reasons and some will say there's no reason to ever go down this road. That's fine. But to your point. I never judged his wife harshly. He never spoke badly of her. Actually, I preferred not to talk about her at all. She and I were separate parts of his life. Just like he and my husband were separate parts of mine. And I also never spoke badly of my husband to him and he had no judgment toward my husband. If anything, at times we would give each other advice if there was an argument at home. He once was not being kind to his wife and I told him he was being mean and should apologize. He was angry with her so didn't listen to me, but the next day he did what I suggested, told me I was right, he wasn't being fair to her. It's not always OW v wife. I am grateful that he and I were never found out. I would've felt terrible to hurt her.

The OW in my husbands case is just now beginning to see( after 3 years) that things my husband said about me were not true. She has also just began to see why I let him go so easily. I knew she would have never believed me had I warned her. She would have just considered me a disgruntled ex. And then again, there are things that I did not tell her about him because I was afraid that she might change her mind about him and somebody needed to take him. The Karma I see biting her in the near future is mostly having to deal with the prize she thought that she had won. She owes me nothing and I don't want her to feel guilt either. I thank God every day that she came along. My quality of life is so much better.

essence, i am so happy for you that you were able to see through your own pain with such clarity and find your way to happiness. affairs are often time a symptom of problems in a marriage that are too painful for us to deal with and so we just let them slowly erode at our happiness...someone else on this post said something so poignant - that affairs jeopardize our self perception. ive said something similar a million times, if i leave my husband for my lover i lose my sense of who i am, who the world is, and could never feel safe...i dont know. <br />
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im going through a very hard time now with my own feelings towards my marriage and a friend and while ive chosen to stay in my marriage and stop talking to my friend, im not sure that that is the best choice for me long term. im so glad i stumbled upon your story, i wish you -and all the people involved- a happy ending.

essence, i am so happy for you that you were able to see through your own pain with such clarity and find your way to happiness. affairs are often time a symptom of problems in a marriage that are too painful for us to deal with and so we just let them slowly erode at our happiness...someone else on this post said something so poignant - that affairs jeopardize our self perception. ive said something similar a million times, if i leave my husband for my lover i lose my sense of who i am, who the world is, and could never feel safe...i dont know. <br />
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im going through a very hard time now with my own feelings towards my marriage and a friend and while ive chosen to stay in my marriage and stop talking to my friend, im not sure that that is the best choice for me long term. im so glad i stumbled upon your story, i wish you -and all the people involved- a happy ending.

@essenceoflaneen: I somehow would still feel that something is wrong with this man, I'm sorry for judging the man you love, but I think you know well what is wrong within him that he accepted to live for such a long time in misery, or, could not make his own marriage better. Those are probably his weaknesses and if you're giving him true love, you're to truly love his weaknesses, for good, because you don't want it to end, for you've invested a lot in it...The more we invest in something, the dearer it becomes to us.<br />
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I think it has become his habit in the way he treats and is treated by a woman in his daily life, and though you both fall in love because of some differences, in some time the habit will come back and cause frustration. Sometimes we'll get bored with the very things that we fall in love with in a man...<br />
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Litterally, you're still the cause because he wouldn't divorce, at least at the moment, if you weren't there. If his wife is of "strong" type, she will cause you suffer. If she is of "weak" type, people around her will cause you suffer. <br />
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I think I'll try to make myself happy first before I try to make anyone else happy...

LOL I got such a tickle reading this back and forth banter. I agree with the general sentiments being shared. No one's opinion is wrong. It's just that opinions are subjective to the person who holds them and may not apply to those who hear them! Wishyouhappy, if my situation were anything like what you have described I would say your opinions are applicable but our situation is nothing like what you have described. Just because a person manages to maintain something for a long time does not validate its viability! People can live in a vegetative coma for years with the aid of life support and yet have not life. They were wrong for each other from day one and because of Southern Baptist traditions forced themselves to stay together. They have been miserable and it shows in how miserable and dysfunctional their grown children are. The whole notion of "staying together for the kids" is such a big mistake. the children end up suffering most of all in these scenarios.<br />
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Anyway, I am not saying no good came out of their marriage because you are right, some how it lasted and something is to be said about that. But more good will come out of it ending. And let it be known that I did not "break them up". They were shattered well before I came on the scene. I picked up his broken pieces and hopefully she will let someone pick up hers now.

Oh my dear

You don't know that...... you are taking his word for it. He may just be telling you that so that you will keep the affair going. If they really are wrong for each other for the reasons you have described, then he will divorce her without a 'back up' plan. You should step aside, let the dust settle and down the track, if he is single and you are single, then perhaps that is the time to start your romance. You will have a lot better shot at making it work under these circumstances, because you won't have mistrus issues looming from the way things started.....

wishyouhappy, that is a very simplistic way of looking at life. How can you presume to judge people that you do not even know? Many marriages that are unhappy take two people to make it that way. As I mentioned above, that seems like a very dangerous way to go about life. We all need to be a lot more self forgiving. Just because a man appears to be unavailable from the outside, does not always mean he is from the inside. I am sure I speak for many of us here, that if I had to do it all over again I would absolutely do the same thing. If I had not entered into an affair with a married man, I would have missed out on one of the most meaningful relationships in my life, whether or not we wind up "together" is a moot point. <br />
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You must be a nearly perfect person to be able to so easily pass judgements. We all need to be a lot more self forgiving and realize we all make mistakes. These gross generalizations and blanket statements seem very unfair!

I did. I spoke by experience. One divorced person with children wanted a relationship with me and I told him what I was saying above, that his wife was the one who had given him their beautiful children...He's disappeared since.<br />
With unavailable men, I don't even allow myself to have any intimate conversation or situation with them, how can I fall in love with them.<br />
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You know, you're also women like me, I know how it feels when we love someone, but look at the men who have abandoned their wife and children just to stay with you, I mean there will be nothing he won't dare to do... All what his wife has given to him for such a long time is nothing to him, do you believe that you'll be anything to him when he has enough of you and found someone else? Once he could stop walking all the time and got a car, "Oh I still have the ability to bring better thing to my life," after some time he would want a better car...

Life is full of varying degrees of gray, rather than black or white. My MM is moving out of his house today. Do I feel an incredible amount of guilt and sadness for his wife and kids, no doubt. However, I would not have changed a single thing and would not sacrifice my own chance at happiness, nor his. A true and rare love connection is very precious and should not be taken lightly. The hurt is not intentional and we all have to be a lot more forgiving of ourselves. Can the other woman really become the wife or girlfriend? Of course she can, it has happened many times and will continue to happen. Does this mean any of us is guaranteed love and happiness? Of course not. We all enter into relationships for various reasons and have a right to end them or get out if we are unhappy! Thanks so much for the update!!

Thanks. I will probably post an update within a month or so, as there are still so many external bumps; but it feels so different to have him now out of the house. We have now gone out on a few dates and it is amazing how different it feels. There is no worry about when to call or not and he does not have to rush home...I spent the night at his house for the first time last night. We still have a long road ahead, but I feel like we are headed in the right direction and are breaking free from it feeling like an "affair"

In my case, I kicked my husband out when i learned of the affair. The OW thinks he left voluntarily..... there's a good chance your MM isn't moving out by choice. Even if he is, if he has history and children with this woman, take it from me, he will regret leaving his wife for you. Maybe not tomorrow, but in a couple of years he will. Mine does.....

I just can't be the cause of anyone's break-up, no matter if they are married or not, I think I'd be cruel to intentionally hurt someone emotionally, because it might take a life time to heal, it might be even fatal...If I don't want to continue my marriage after a lot of efforts, I'll end it first, and live alone for some time, and if there is anyone coming to me, I'll check first if that person is really available, then I'll see for the rest... If somebody loves me and wants to end their marriage to be with me, I'll tell them that I can be no better, their spouse has faults, but also virtues, and me too. Passion is temporary. My spouse can be unacceptable in some ways, but me too, I'm not perfect, and he/she is the one who has accepted me the way I am for such a long time. <br />
Pardon me when I give a bad situation, if the man who essenceoflaneen is talking about got a serious disease and had to live like a plant, without being able to supply sex, or any conversation...anymore, will she spend the rest of her life taking care of him, change his diapers, clean his urine etc., she might say a big yes now, but after 1 year, 2 years, she will fee tired, lonely, she'll need a man for her physcal needs... How can we call it love if we only love them when they make us happy, and we leave them when they don't make us happy anymore? And this man must have married his wife because she made him happy.

I definately agree with you, New Blonde. which goes back to the negative connotations that has been attached to being the OW. The world does not know what kind of morals this person has, what life has taken them through. Just to take the religious and spiritual aspect of the idea of marriage for a second, can one partner truly be happy if there is no passion? Hell no, and I would suggest that one would get out of something that may be zapping precious energy. Whether this couple has been married for three years or thirty. Life is too short to stay in something you are comprehensively unhappy in, strictly out of obligation. What are you trying to prove? Who are you helping? What do you hope to accomplish in not only your own life, but your partners. Marriage takes an effort on BOTH PARTIES TO KEEP IT TOGETHER. A real marriage will indeed outlast infidelity, miscommunication, financial burdens or any other ism, if and only if FIRE is present.

Well essenceoflaneen, there is an obvious thing to anyone's eyes, (not yours, of course, because they're blind now): If his marriage was that bad it would never have lasted for 30 years :) A spouse is not only a lover but also a life companion, they might not have been in passionate love but they have been experiencing and aiding each other though the ups and downs for such a long time. She was the one who took care of him when he was sick, for example, before you appeared between them. How would the wife be living after the divorce at her age (I guess she's quite aged now)? <br />
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Don't try to win like a wild horse, because this "victory" isn't tasty forever. You will soon agree with me, peace of mind is the most important thing in our life, without it, we can't feel completely happy.

Blind, in whose eyes? To the world's or to her own particular situation? That's the problem with us, so quick to judge. Also, peace of mind could mean getting out of a marriage that has obviously ran its course.

Update:<br />
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KMS111 and all the naysayers, he and his his ex-wife were NEVER happy just FYI. But as I said at the beginning of my post, I was by no means trying to justify the wrongness of adultery. My only intent was and is to validate the rightness of TRUE love. If false love had to die for true love to live, then that is a charge against my account I will gladly bare. Like they say in the world of finance: there is good debt and bad debt, useless debt and worthy debt. The same is true for pain: there is useless pain and productive pain. This pain that was caused by our affair was productive and I do expect "lovingly ever after" with him.<br />
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As for now, our relationship is stronger than ever. The divorce is still not finalized. He moved closer to me. We only live 8 minutes apart now. It used to be almost an hour. That has been wonderful. I can do things that I never could before, like have early breakfast with him or if I miss him in the middle of the night he can be over in just minutes to hold me. It amazes me how beautifully we get along. The harmony between us is incredible. We can sit in a room together doing two different activities and still feel as if we are doing it as one. To lay there next him reading a book, or just doing nothing at all is like lying in a field of fragrant wild flowers looking up a blue sky full of butterflies and decorated with a rainbow. I mean that it is simply wonderful!<br />
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The divorce is still not final. It has been a long road but I love this man like I never knew love existed and I know he feels the same way for me. I am very excited about being able to marry him. My only concern now is his wife's reaction and whether or not she is going to continue to fight him and make the process drag out. But I don't care, now that I can finally see an end in sight, I don't care if it takes years more, I will wait expectantly for the day I am his wife.<br />
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To experience love like this is more rare than winning the lottery or getting struck by lightning twice. Everyone told me I was a fool and that he would never divorce. But I knew this was more real than anything most people will ever experience. I had to block them all out and go with my heart. We have an amazing relationship; our love life and our friendship is beyond incredible. I am just glad I waited and glad love gave him the courage to end his 30 year prison sentence. I hope the best for his soon to be ex-wife, I pray that she will be found by a man that will love her the way my soon to be husband loves me.<br />
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This is my update. I will post again when there is more to tell.

word up!

best of luck to you, babes.

wish me luck too.

If everything that you know about his wife was told to you by him or his buddies I feel for you. That's typical. When couples seperate not only do they have to split what they own but they also split friends.

You said they were NEVER happy. How do you know this? Is that what he told you? He is lying, or having a midlife crisis, or is just someone who has a 'grass is greener' attitude and will find himself unhappy with you also, after a given honeymoon period. Don't presume to know about someone else's marriage problems based on the word of a 'cheater'......if he was really unhappy for so long, he would have left long before he met you.

How do you know that you aren't working out some unfinished business in a previous lifetime? We don't live in a two dimensional world of black and white....and there are many mysteries that we cannot understand. Isn't God experienced through genuine love? Man creates the "rules"....God gives us opportunities; some take more courage to participate in than others. Speaking from my own place of love of a MM....he is a soul mate that creates joy in my heart every encounter we have whether a telephone call, an email or a weekend spent together! My soul rejoices each time his soul is near.

I've never seen the sky fall in on anyone who left unhappy marriages either but I have known many people to realize that the "grass is ALWAYS greenest over the septic tank". They spent so much time blaming the spouse for their bad marriage that when the marriage ended they found out leaving the marriage didn't change their own personal problems. There are plenty of legit unhappy marriages and then there are legit unhappy people who will be unhappy regardless of who they marry or what they do in life. Some people just love to be comfortably miserable.

I've never seen the sky fall in on anyone who left unhappy marriages either but I have known many people to realize that the "grass is ALWAYS greenest over the septic tank". They spent so much time blaming the spouse for their bad marriage that when the marriage ended they found out leaving the marriage didn't change their own personal problems. There are plenty of legit unhappy marriages and then there are legit unhappy people who will be unhappy regardless of who they marry or what they do in life. Some people just love to be comfortably miserable.

Always remember in every decision you make or have made in the past there is also karma. Do not expect to make off in this scott free. All of this was par for the course. The marriages you had that weren't working was par for the course. You "Manifest" all that is going on in your life. All negative things you have thought will all eventually service in some form at some time or another. Believe that. I suggest that you install forgiveness and manifest positive thoughts and energy from here on out.....

Thank you for posting this, it is an extremely difficult situation and you as a person have to be very strong as well as your love for eachother.