Just My Kind Of WrongI guess I should post my story here, I will confess I have a lot of jitters about setting it out for virtual strangers to hear/read but I need to tell someone and so far no one (friends, family, etc) have been anything but completely negative. I don't need negativity, I am not sure if I need advice (though advice if truly meant to help is welcome), I don't need judgement I just need to be heard.
Just as a quick FYI, I will try to tell my story as best as I can but there are bound to be things I leave out, the emotions probably being the hardest to tell about. So I may try to clarify things later, if possible.
I met my married man somewhere between 4-5 years ago, we met through a group of mutual friends...namely the guy who is my current BF (I won't get into the story of my relationship with my BF, but suffice it to say it's not a good one and is virtually over). My MM and I weren't even really what you would call friends at first. I saw him maybe once a month or so when he and his kids (which were about 9 & 15 then) came by the store we all hung out at. Things really changed in like Jan. or Feb. of this year, 2011. My MM was running a group that I got involved in and it was like I was seeing him for the first time. By this time my BF and I were having serious issues and though I wasn't consciously looking for someone else I do know that I loved the way my MM listened to me, the way he looked and spoke to me like I mattered, it was a very heady thing.
I should mention now since I didn't before I am 27 and my MM is 47, a 20 year age difference which doesn't really seem like a lot to me. I have always been attracted to older men (yes I am aware I have daddy issues) and have dated several in my life, I have even dated a married man before but it was with his wife's consent (I met her face to face and she was okay with it, hell it was her idea.)
I can't put a date to when things really changed with my MM and I, perhaps it was the first time he and I were alone together, he drove me home one day and I swear the air was so thick with things unsaid you could have cut it with a knife. I need to explain that both my MM and I are huggers, we hug a lot and not just each other...I am always hugging his younger son, whom I think of as my own in many ways. I know when things changed for my MM, which is long after I had feeling for him....one day I had a terrible headache and he offered to give me a massage to help, I accepted a bit giddily I confess. I am not quite sure how long the massage went on for, I know that he never touched me inappropriately and he gives massages to A LOT of people but he said that it was different giving me a massage and I didn't react like other people (he told me this a few weeks later).
There are a lot of little things I could put in here but they aren't what's important. He and I eventually talked about what was going on between us, and he told me that if I started something he didn't think he would be able to stop himself. I told him I never would and that he would have to be the one to make that move, I kept to that sorta. The first time he kissed me he did it because I asked him to, that was just over 3 weeks ago now. Later that night he asked me how I felt about him and I told him he had to tell me first...it was the first time we told each other we loved each other...and it was online. That Friday was the first time in person.
He had been honest from day one that he loves his wife and doesn't want to leave his family. I don't want him to leave them, he wouldn't be the man I love if he could do something like that. He is my best friend in everyway and the single most wonderful person I have ever met. I am not 100% sure where this is going but I am sure I will be the one who gets hurt, and I am okay with that....I will accept future hurt for the unbelievable happiness I have right now. It's really hard to describe the feelings and talks he and I have had, but it isn't a fling and it isn't about sex (we had sex one...yesterday, that's it). He keeps trying to talk me out of being with him, he says I am his sunshine but I deserve fo be with someone whom I would be the whole Sun. I honestly believe he is my life for a reason, if only for me to learn another hard lesson.
I don't know what else to add right now, so that's it for now.