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Just My Kind Of Wrong

I guess I should post my story here, I will confess I have a lot of jitters about setting it out for virtual strangers to hear/read but I need to tell someone and so far no one (friends, family, etc) have been anything but completely negative. I don't need negativity, I am not sure if I need advice (though advice if truly meant to help is welcome), I don't need judgement I just need to be heard.

Just as a quick FYI, I will try to tell my story as best as I can but there are bound to be things I leave out, the emotions probably being the hardest to tell about. So I may try to clarify things later, if possible.


I met my married man somewhere between 4-5 years ago, we met through a group of mutual friends...namely the guy who is my current BF (I won't get into the story of my relationship with my BF, but suffice it to say it's not a good one and is virtually over). My MM and I weren't even really what you would call friends at first. I saw him maybe once a month or so when he and his kids (which were about 9 & 15 then) came by the store we all hung out at. Things really changed in like Jan. or Feb. of this year, 2011. My MM was running a group that I got involved in and it was like I was seeing him for the first time. By this time my BF and I were having serious issues and though I wasn't consciously looking for someone else I do know that I loved the way my MM listened to me, the way he looked and spoke to me like I mattered, it was a very heady thing.

I should mention now since I didn't before I am 27 and my MM is 47, a 20 year age difference which doesn't really seem like a lot to me. I have always been attracted to older men (yes I am aware I have daddy issues) and have dated several in my life, I have even dated a married man before but it was with his wife's consent (I met her face to face and she was okay with it, hell it was her idea.)

I can't put a date to when things really changed with my MM and I, perhaps it was the first time he and I were alone together, he drove me home one day and I swear the air was so thick with things unsaid you could have cut it with a knife. I need to explain that both my MM and I are huggers, we hug a lot and not just each other...I am always hugging his younger son, whom I think of as my own in many ways. I know when things changed for my MM, which is long after I had feeling for him....one day I had a terrible headache and he offered to give me a massage to help, I accepted a bit giddily I confess. I am not quite sure how long the massage went on for, I know that he never touched me inappropriately and he gives massages to A LOT of people but he said that it was different giving me a massage and I didn't react like other people (he told me this a few weeks later).

There are a lot of little things I could put in here but they aren't what's important. He and I eventually talked about what was going on between us, and he told me that if I started something he didn't think he would be able to stop himself. I told him I never would and that he would have to be the one to make that move, I kept to that sorta. The first time he kissed me he did it because I asked him to, that was just over 3 weeks ago now. Later that night he asked me how I felt about him and I told him he had to tell me first...it was the first time we told each other we loved each other...and it was online. That Friday was the first time in person.

He had been honest from day one that he loves his wife and doesn't want to leave his family. I don't want him to leave them, he wouldn't be the man I love if he could do something like that. He is my best friend in everyway and the single most wonderful person I have ever met. I am not 100% sure where this is going but I am sure I will be the one who gets hurt, and I am okay with that....I will accept future hurt for the unbelievable happiness I have right now. It's really hard to describe the feelings and talks he and I have had, but it isn't a fling and it isn't about sex (we had sex one...yesterday, that's it). He keeps trying to talk me out of being with him, he says I am his sunshine but I deserve fo be with someone whom I would be the whole Sun. I honestly believe he is my life for a reason, if only for me to learn another hard lesson.

I don't know what else to add right now, so that's it for now.

AdorablyBroken AdorablyBroken 26-30, F 9 Responses Sep 8, 2011

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No you can't help who you love. When my mm and I started out it was only suppose to be physical but after spending time together we had this connection and now we are in love with each other. I don't know what his intentions are and I don't ask. I love him and enjoy our time together and if he decides he rather be with his wife then me then I will be heart broken. But I will always have those special memories with him and I will always have special place for him in my heart. I just take it day by day and enjoy our time together. If it's meant to be then it will happen.

No you can't help who you love. When my mm and I started out it was only suppose to be physical but after spending time together we had this connection and now we are in love with each other. I don't know what his intentions are and I don't ask. I love him and enjoy our time together and if he decides he rather be with his wife then me then I will be heart broken. But I will always have those special memories with him and I will always have special place for him in my heart. I just take it day by day and enjoy our time together. If it's meant to be then it will happen.

You know what? After reading your story, thinking of my own and how EVERY story in this group has some sort of familiarity and similarities, and reading the comments so many cliches come to mind. For example: "You can a lead a horse to water but you cant make him drink", "Experience is the best teacher", "Live and learn", etc, etc... I genuinely believe NO ONE here is being judgemental. What we're doing is trying to keep YOU from making the SAME mistakes WE'VE made, prevent YOU from the heartache and pain that we ALL feel and have felt. WE have no right to judge anyone, we're just like you. Whether we had an affair 10 years or 10 days ago, we arent any better than you are. I too say enjoy it! I believe we all deserve to be happy and if hes making you happy- serah! If your journey ever ends please realize our comments came from a "caring" place.

To Karla1527, thank you...I appreciate it and I hope that one day comes that I have the self confidence to love myself and see in myself what other people see in my, that's why I spend 3 hours a week in therapy.

To true2myself2, most of the people here in this thread have been very kind and attempted too be helpful however I have been reading other people's threads and other experiences where that's not the case. Also my own family and friends have been very judgemental...my mother called me an 'adulterous ***** and a homewrecker' before things went anywhere with my MM...just when I confided to having a crush.

Wow! Thats pretty harsh. You cant help who you love. Its sad because alot of people feel that way about women like us. Keep your head up- only God can judge you!

Thank you! I couldn't agree more

That's a great start! He should try to fix things with his wife first.<br />
And i get the part, you feel sad, depressed, that nobody gives a sh*t fo ryou, and there he comes, caring, attentive, willing to listen to your problems and i mean REALLY listen, i've been there too. <br />
Well girl, you should do what makes you happy :). That's what i've been telling myself from the beginning with my MM and it made me really happy.<br />
One last thing, I am still a little sad about this one, cause i can't do it still; The source of your happyness should be yourself, not another person. I know it sounds corny like heck, but it applies for US in this situation.<br />
Wish you the best :)

Been there, felt that:), it feels awesome doesn't it?? The happyness he provides by just smiling at you or even a look of his eyes, that happyness is one of the most amazing things i've ever felt.... But it also was the one thing that blurred everything. <br />
When i was with my MM i also knew from the beginning he wouldn't leave his wife for me and i was fine with that, i guess it worked for me somehow too. I thought ihad everything figured out and guess what, i thought WRONG.<br />
How could i ever possible live without him, withot his voice, his laughs, his talks, that's all i've questioned myself with, but i sincerely hope this doesn't happen to you: I started feeling like ****, sad and depressed, when he started letting me down, not showing up at meetings we had previously arranged, not trying hard enough to make time for me, putting ANY family business before me (Yes, i know i agreed to that in the beginning, but suddenly i couldn't deal with that). The pain and suffer i got from him, i can say were almost bigger than the happyness he gave me; but hey, after all IT WAS MY FAULT, so i was the only one to blame and that pain and suffer and all those many tears were my punishment for beig with a MM.<br />
After all that, and it took me a while to realize it, i deserve someone who will give me their full time as i am willing to give them my full time. I'm not a side dish, i'm a main course. That's what i feel now.<br />
And you made me remember the first kiss he gave me, it felt like electricity from my mouth to my stomach... It was perfect; i woudn0t change a thing.<br />
So, the more love it is, the harder it will be in the end for YOU and only YOU, cause he goes back to his wfe and you go home alone. <br />
You have to realize at some point, you deserve a man, full time, not just when he can sneak out to have sex with you, but i know IT'S ONE HARD THING TO DO, so i will just try to put yo on the road:P.<br />
I hope your happyness stage lasts longer than mine did and all i can say, is ENJOY IT WHILE IT LAST.

Thank you for your reply and I am a bit more clear eyed today than yesterday...not enough to end things with him but less defensive about the whole thing.

I was depressed before I was with him, he helps me...that's one way he and I are different than most. You see I have emotional issues and he cares enough to talk to me and hold me when I hurt. This time last year, before he and I were more than accquaintances, I tried to kill myself...I ended up with 11 stitches and a month in the psych ward. I am better now and a big part of it has to do with him, he looks after me, he makes sure I get out of the house...that I eat well, that I exercise, etc.

As to the fulltime person he keeps telling me that...and I do have a full time BF, a man I have been living with for 5 years so I don't go home to an empty house really.

Oh and I think I did a really good thing today. I sent him home to his wife and told him not to try to find a reason to come over tomorrow (Will be the first time an 2.5 weeks since we spent a day apart) I told him to spend time with his family....and try again to sleep with his wife.

Hi what I understand from ur story is that u have a boyfriend with whom ur relation is virtually over and u have have started with ur MM since 2011. I am almost the same age as u r n what is happening with u now has happened with me ten years back almost the same way. I truly understand the feelings u have for this man. I read ur comments the way u have defend him. I can relate to it though my MM was 5-6 years elder to me. I don't want to be judgmental at all. <br />
Well in the beginning I was the same talking the same thing u r saying that u will be happy for him if he goes back to his wife, u will always love him even if u don't touch him ever. Specially the way u said u feel bout his son. U won't believe it without even knowing that his wife was pregnant that time I used to have this feeling of something inside my stomach. He has twin son and one even has resemblance to me we both are lefty some other similarities are also there. <br />
So coming back to the point with my experience I just want to tell u that in the beginning u will feel like you can be on the outside n just be happy with whatever u get. You love this man n he loves u that's all matter. But as u will be spending more time together, u will want n wish for even more. You said u had sex one- yesterday, I my case once we start doing it we could not stop and sex was the main ingredient for the recipe of jealousy from my side to his wife. Once we were all involved into each other It became very difficult for me to be happy with whatever I get. I start feeling that it's not me but his wife is the OW and she has to go. One thing followed to another and after 10-11 years here I am without him. <br />
While reading ur story i went back to the time when my MM kissed me for the first time , when he touched me for the first time...I still feel that we were made for each other, if today he comes back to me forever I will give much more love to him but.... <br />
it's a very tough road. The more u love the more is pain. Only one advise the day you feel jealous of him being at his home ask him to choose that very day don't wait, don't listen to any excuse. U might be happy now but after that you will not be.

Your right, I don't know what will happen in the future and if this goes on for long enough I will probably end up bitter and angry, what I am saying is that for right now I am happier than I have been in my life and I don't want to give that up yet.

I was talking to him on the phone today and he told me that "I deserve better" I told him that I didn't know that better existed, maybe one day in the future I would find someone or something better but for right now "Why would I settle for less?" and ultimately that is what anything else would be right now. The future is the future but for now I am like in Nirvana, I never thought happiness was possible outside of movies, now I know different so I am gonna bask for as long as I can.

This happened to me before though the lady was my age mate. Me being married and she being single really disturbed my mind. Thought of being with her but I love my wife and son. Then i made that bold step... I told her that I was not meant for her but for my one and only Karen.<br />
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Its just a matter of time you will be sooo damn heart broken.

Wouldn't be the first time I was heart broken. I was engaged when I was 18, got pregnant with his kid, but he wasn't there when our son was born (he died an hour later due to being born too early, 24 weeks) because he was sleeping with my sister. Needless to say the wedding date came and went with out a wedding, I took it oddly hard even though I didn't want him anymore.

I'm gonna say this much...4years ago I felt the same way...there are other woman that felt like this 10,15,18,23,25 even as much as 40 years ago and all of their stories end quite the same...BAD!!!! you think its worth it you think you cant disconnect you think think think.... you think wrong!!! I know your looking for understanding and not judgement but here's the think we arn't judging we've lived through it.there is a very slim chance that you will stay this happy and the pain in the old end is not worth it at all. I'v won I have my MM and he aint never ging back to his wife I'V WON but i'v lost more than I could ever gain and if you think you've lost your childhood given time you'll lose your most of your life and I say this because of the way you feel about this man. If i was a profiler I would say that all the steriotypical syntoms that OW's have after the honeymoon phase are headed in your direction, you are a perfect candidate for a future therapy case. <br />
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Therapy stems from traumatic experiences the degree of the trauma is neither here nor there but one thing I can tell you.. cheak out other TOW sites that are just for that purpose and you'll see how therapy is a very big topic because being the OW is not fun it's not a bed of roses its traumatic and can(if given a chance) destroy lives.These other ladies are right you should get out and now the longer you stay the harder it gets.<br />
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I was once told that when I leave my MM it wll be because the pain of being with him will have surpassed the pain of being without him...Imagine what that feels like.

Dear, I appreciate your concern, I really do but you are failing to take into account that there are things in life that can and do hurt more than falling in love with the wrong man. Believe me I know more than a bit about pain.

I won't go into full details but suffice it to say that every kind of abuse you have heard about in TV, radio, books, etc and thought that it doesn't really happen...well it happens and it happened to me. I do mean every kind of abuse...sexual, physical, emotional, mental, hell even religious abuse.

You talk about therapy, I am already in therapy for PTSD amongst many other issues. I am no stranger to the whole process I have been in therapy since I was a teenager, been on meds the whole nine yards and you know what, he helps me. Say what you will about the situation but you want to know what he did today...he took me to my therapy just because and he waited in the lobby for me, doing nothing for an hour. First thing when I get out he pulls me to him and hugs me and asks "Are you okay? Do you need to talk?" Nevermind that I was smiling so he didn't need to worry, he knows about my past and knows I have had a tough time so he wants to make sure that I am getting the help I need.

So say what you want about all of it, but he is a decent guy, one who actually...truly does love me.

If you look behind him you'll see a long string of OW's just like you. The massage nand the all the crap was a calculated plan to seduce you. It worked. Soon he will be seeking out the next young woman to feed his ego. I know this because I was married to a man just like him! You will be just another notch on his belt and get left behind when the wife finds out. Please tun while you still can.

OMG that is the most laughable thing I have ever read. I am sorry but you don't know him at all. I seduced him if anything.

It amazes me the harsh things people on this forum say, with out knowing the other people. My MM is not in this for sex....I am sure things will get better with his wife and he will go back to her and you know what I will be happy for him.

I am sorry your marriage left you so bitter that you can't think that there are decent men who fall in love with someone they didn't plan to love.