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Don't You Women Get It?

Don't you women get it yet? Most married men are not going to leave their wife for the other woman. These men want the best of both and as long as you're giving it to them that's how things will be. These men are just missing that spark that passion that their marriage has lost. And they want he excitement of someone new. Oh at first, they really think that they're in love, but as time goes by they realize that they aren't as it becomes more routine.

When the other woman starts pressuring the married man to leave his wife, normally he dumps her. All these men want is the thrill of being with somebody new and to know that they're still attractive to other women. They want the stability they have with their wife and the excitement they have with the other woman they want the best of both.

Why would you want to be second best? If they're lying to their wife, don't you think they're lying to you to? Of course they are!

Now I'm not saying all married men are like this. but  I am saying that you deserve better! Why do we as women put up with this? I myself put up with this for over eight years. My married man did marry me, but he has cheated on me too. Do you really believe you are the difference? I did! Even though he promised to never bring strife into our marriage and never cheat on me, the fact is he did!

These men are very good at lying and deceiving. They're good looking charming and have all the qualities that a woman would want. They are manipulators. All they care about is themselves and what they can get for themselves. They're going to tell you what they think you want to hear. As long as he keeps you right there wrapped around his finger. He will keep leading you on as long as you keep letting him!

Every single story here is the same! The OW is usually the one that has to put up with all kinds of bullshit. Constantly being stood up. Always waiting by the phone and forever changing her schedule to accommodate him! All for what? To either keep doing it because she is in love or end it because she deserves so much more than this. Either way, The OW usually gets the short end of the stick!

All the other women all say that the sex is incredible. What is it that makes it so incredible? Could it be because he's forbidden and a  bad boy? Or maybe his wife just finally trained him right?

If you happen to be lucky enough to have your MM leave his wife and family, it can be even worse. Once his wife and family find out about you, you have now become the enemy it's all your fault. You're a terrible homewrecker the kids will never like you and the wife has nothing nice to say about you. They usually end up alienating the married man too. The children listened to their mother and the horrible thing she has to say about the father and the woman that took him from her so their opinion is not very good of your relationship. They tend not to want to be around you and if they are they usually just want something from you.

Things that aren't issues to a normal couple, end up creating problems for the new relationship. Family functions don't usually go very well. You end up fighting with your spouse over the stupidest things. So I ask you, is he really worth all that? And if he did it to her you can bet he'll do it to you! Of course there are always exceptions to the rule, and we all hope we have that exception but the truth is we can't all have that exception.

So all you other women stand up for yourselves demand respect and get a man you deserve!
totallytea totallytea 46-50, F 165 Responses Oct 3, 2011

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Apparently, you are the one who doesn't get it. Why the hell would I want him, his laundry, his insecurities and problems...all the time. I get the BEST of him and you can have the rest, honey.

Gypsy1978 - your answer made me laugh out loud. So are you saying that all you want is sex and nothing else? (because most people have their odd little ways, don't they?)

Phenomenal sex is wonderful...and certainly a plus. But if you think that sex is the only thing that happens between TOW and a MM...well you have never been in an affair. I'm not laughing out loud....but I am shaking my head a bit :)

No you are right. I don't do affairs. But you said ".....I get the BEST of him and you can have the rest, honey" (i.e. him, his laundry, his insecurities and problems...all the time). It's up to you if you want to have "phenomenal sex" but he still goes back to his wife, doesn't he? Or???

You STILL aren't getting it, hon. The day that he doesn't "go back to his wife" will be the day that I am not with him either. As much as you want to believe that all "Other Women" are only out to steal your just isn't true for many of us. It isn't all about the sex for either of us.

Dear Gypsy1978, please don't make assumptions on my behalf. And tell me what my beliefs are. But you haven't answered my question and I left you the freedom to answer it according to YOUR belief system.'re not "only out to steal my man" (by the way, you wouldn't stand a rat's chance in hell of stealing my man away from me.) is maybe not what I, Stephaniebis thinks, is it?

So....apart from the sex, since it "isn't all about the sex", or his "........insecurities/problems/laundry", what are you actually getting?

Go ahead - enlighten me.

Intelligent conversation. Enjoyable outings together...sometimes just us...sometimes with mutual friends. The knowledge that when we are together there isn't anywhere else he would rather be (or he would be there). My personal space and independence. Knowing that our financal profiles are not combined (i.e. someone else isn't affecting my credit-worthiness or debt) Being able to see or not see him when or if I want. Basically..."How can I miss you, if you won't go away?" I am a person that values my solitude as much as I value our together time. Sometimes I enjoy just putting on music, lighting candles and sinking into a bubble bath...alone. Or sitting with a novel and a tray of good cheese and wine and crackers and relaxing without 900 interruptions. Or even 1. And occasional romantic getaways and phenomenal sex. That is what I "get out of it".

Gypsy1978 thank you for a sincere answer. I'm not going to sit here and moralise and at least your answer was honest, even if your behaviour is disrespectful of his wife and what SHE wants - i.e. she maybe wants what you want too from her man.

This is another woman, and you are a woman too.

Don't you care about our female sisters?

Yes, my answer was honest and I appreciate you acknowleging that. Immediately after stating you weren't going to moralize you immediately called my behaviour disrespectful toward his wife and played the "female sisters" card. I fail to see how this is not moralizing on your part. But to set the record straight (since you obviously don't know his wife) she is basically a wonderful woman. We repect her by not "dishng her behind her back" or doing anything that would rub the affair in her face. She is thrilled with her life as the wife of a corporate lawyer and all that entails...the society events...the big house and parties...the nice things and the large bank account. It is very possible that she does know about us and looks the other way. We are two completely different women. I am a minimalist. I prefer the outdoors. Love to hike and camp and fish, as well. The person he used to be, too (when he was younger)- before he entered the corporate world. He is happy. I am happy. She is happy. None of us want to change the status quo. Honestly, I can't see why this is such an issue for you.

Well Gypsy1978, seen in that light, what can I say? Maybe that we have different views of respect. And I'm not so sure as you are that you obviously know his wife either. So leave you all to your married trio and hope you never get a knife in your back or a gun shot, when she notices, or just happens to get angry.

Wow I went away for months and still the ranting?

No AdorablyBroken, expressing myself. Look up the definition of ranting. It's negative and rude. By the way, I stand by my opinions, regardless of how much you feel that it is "ranting". Honesty will always win out in the end. Please go and read the statistics on passion killing - yes, some men and some women get passionate (i.e. get out their guns/knives) when they realise that they've been had. And it's not something that "won't happen to me".

gerund or present participle: ranting

speak or shout at length in a wild, impassioned way.
"she was still ranting on about the unfairness of it all"
synonyms: fulminate, go on, hold forth, vociferate, sound off, spout, pontificate, bluster, declaim
Dear, I learned my lesson years ago. I have my own life and now if I sleep with a married man it's with his wife's knowledge and consent.

I am not shouting. I don't need to, although it is true that some people will never hear the truth because they are deaf to it. But you are most certainly correct that I'm passionate about giving the truth about the situation, having witnessed it with women who knew better than that. So feel free. I will just hope you won't pay the price, like some other women did, sometimes with their lives.

Perhaps you need to look of the definition of "OR" because it says 'speaking OR shouting' what am I supposed to be paying the price for? Do you not know how to read? As I said I don't do cheating or help anyone cheat, I learned my lesson.

now if I sleep with a married man it's with his wife's knowledge and consent.
Fine by me, if you call that honesty.
I sometimes wonder about peoples' marriages, quite frankly.
And it's "look for", not "look of".

Yes I mistyped something, it happens.
I happen to be polyamorous, there are plenty of people who are also, many of them are married. Just because it's not your preference doesn't make it dishonest.

Well maybe their marriage vows were different to the norm then. Usually, marriage vows are "faithfulness, commitment, till death us do part" - or at least something along those lines. Maybe there are still a few things I wish to add. Guess what? At the end of the day, he'll still go back to his wife. Because somewhere, marriage and the vows within it, still mean something. That's why he returns. (And yes, I know that there are exceptions to the rule, i.e. maybe it's about financial security, social status, the children, professional reasons.....but he still is free to LEAVE HER).

Whatever. I enjoy discussing with you anyway.

If you require monogamy from your partner that's fine. It's not a breach of commitment or being unfaithful to be polyamorous. There is no lack of commitment, there is either a commitment to more than one person or the commitment stays solely with the original partner but both partners agree to allow another person to temporarily enter their relationship based on a set or predetermined rules. As to faithfulness it's just as much an act of faith to believe your partner will be monogamous as it is to believe they can be with someone else and still love you.

You seem to be misunderstanding what I am talking about if you are talking about someone going home to their spouse. In polyamory that isn't an issue, there are multiple kinds of polyamory, there is relationships involving more than 2 people all committed to each other, there is two people who have a core relationship but provisionally see other people on the side (with everyone's knowledge and consent before hand), there are flings and open marriages where a person is brought in just for one night or a weekend. In none of these situations does the person ever leave the spouse, they might go out on a date with the other person with out the spouse there but they are still in a relationship with the spouse and the spouse knows where they are and what they are doing.

I would say that marriage is far more than vows, vows mean nothing, they are promises and that's just words with a pretty meaning. It's the emotion behind those words that makes a marriage. If you are familiar with the Irish Claddagh ring it has a heart being held by two hands with a crown on top of the heart. Each piece of the ring means something, the hands stand for friendship, the general liking of your partner. The heart is for love and the crown is for loyalty, now you could say that loyalty/honor means forsaking all others and if everyone agrees to that is what is means to them, for me loyalty means being honest and not betraying what you have built with that person. This is what a marriage should be built on, but there is room for interpretation.

If a polyamorous person is with someone who is married and at the end of the day the person goes back to their wife, then its because that is what everyone agreed to. As for me personally, I have a loving and wonderful man I go to bed next to everynight but we are actively looking for another woman to join our relationship full term, she would come home to us everynight (or most nights anyways). I also had a man I was dating briefly, he actually went out to dinner with my partner before being allowed to take me out, so everyone could talk and make sure we were on the same page on where this would go and what was expected, ultimately it went nowhere but if it had everyone would have been okay with this because they knew about it before hand. My partner has been with another woman since being with me and I am okay with that because there are rules set in place for such things.

Basically it boils down to no one is perfect and I believe that it is naive to think one person can be your everything and that it ruins relationships to try to be someone's everything because you will end up resenting them when you fall short.

Well! Thank you for the information. It throws some light on other people's relationships, that's for sure. Sincerely, I do appreciate this input. Although it is not my idea of a relationship, whatever.

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I love your comment even though I'm sorry you had to experience what you did. And, I am sorry to hear that. I left my married man that will still tell the next woman he is single for the simple reason of being used to being dishonest. If he got away with it once, he'll do it again, and again, until someone else is in his clutches.

The great thing about getting away from a man like that is, after taking a little time for yourself, you can meet someone who is honest and single and great and have a real relationship you can feel PROUD of and happy to be in because you deserve it.

I just find it disturbing that some married men will stop at nothing to get to the woman he wants. Just know this ....the man you love is supposed to make your life better...not more complicated.

Update: Its been three months since my last post. That day in October we made an agreement to revisit the status of our relationship in 90 days. We haven't had the discussion because there is no change. I know he doesn't want the obvious pointed out. Interestingly I'm feeling stronger, not much stronger, but definitely better. I actually went out recently to a singles was interesting, slightly uncomfortable but hey I didn't get sick to by stomach like I thought I would! I never talk about these things with him but he seems to sense something is different. I believe, hope, I'm gaining a little control of my emotions and thus my life. Thoughts?

I'm sorry but I know a lot of married women who have lots of sex and had lots of passion with their husbands and they still found out there was other women. The men were fine in their marriage no fighting. Just that the men were insecure or selfish. In reality they lie to the other women to get them in bed. They have no feelings for them. They do love their wives and children and don't want to leave. They just want a ego boost.

Strange kind of love.

That isn't the way to get an ego boost. I completely understand why it's done.

you got that wrong. If a single woman wants a married man for an evening..then you're just the service. If she likes you for longer than that, it's because you're pursing her relentlessly...which mean you like her.

i am with a married man for nearly 2yrs. Never in my wildest dreams that i will end up to be the other woman, which at first i am the one who first to judge women who goes out with married men. Unfortunately, i end up being one, we started as friends, he was just an ordinary person to me in the past, we met at the parties with a common friends and sad to say me and his ex wife were friends and work on the same profession. That encounters happened from 2003, until the year 2011 when he approached me and made a conversation with me on his wife's bday party. He was a piece of crap for me before, eventhough he was good looking but looks never catches me. I ignored his sweetness and gave no meaning about it. After that event i havent seen him for 8 months, then we met again.

I never thought seeing him again will change my whole life. His kindness towards me has turned my world upside down. And the start of a good friendship ends up living on the same roof at present. Everytime a married men opened up about their problem with me i always took it as a problem and advice them to go to a marriage counsellor instead of me listening those messy stories about their married life. But with him and only to him my mistake was i gave him the opportunity to tell his story. I always see myself as a good catch and vulnerable since among the crowds we have in the community im the one who is single, fun loving and pretty.

I felt very special to him and no one knows about us. I didnt even know that i was already on the situation and i considered it as a friendship gesture. Its been years that he wasnt happy with his wife, i pity him because he was always quiet whenever his with the crowd because his wife restricted him to talk, and she always runs everything in the house and he lost his part as a man in their house. I felt sorry to him and he said the house has been so quiet and they were not talking anymore. I suggested him to give themselves time to fix their relationship for there still a chance. He wants to left her but he told me he can still stay for another 2yrs for his son to go to paris (he is 18).

Then one day he went to visit me and told me that his wife dumped him and he went home with all his clothes on the luggage. He doesnt want to left their home and i said to stay and settle things on the right direction. The pride of both parties finally decided to part ways.

He left and live to his friends house. Then somebody told his wife that he was seeing me and brutally gossip that i was the reason of their separation. I was devastated and the news escalated on the entire community and i ended up saving myself and the close minds were already closed. I ended off sick from work due to pressures, locked myself at home and i felt that i have a disease that people were avoiding me..I told him to stopped seeing me and he wasnt allowed to visit me. I felt all alone and my friends left me. He was the only one who never quits on me, he spend all day and night waiting for me to came out the house.I felt devastated never went out on my room and couldnt take any food, i was so numb. Then he called up my landlord asked for a favor if he can borrowed the spare key on my rented house.I saw his face and started crying in front of me and looked at the state of me who were dehydrated and frail..I couldnt take anything through my mouth all i can remember was he gave me water from his mouth. I was crying and telling him to go away. He hug me so tightly and cried out loud that he loves me so much and he will never left me. He took care of me and got back on my feet but still never came out the house because the people outcasted me.

Now it is nearly 2 yrs being together, it was very hard at the start but i ended up accepting everything. Eventhough the people sorrounds us not totally accept us but we dont care as long as we both know our plans for the future and the responsibilities of our actions. Hard to face the life of being labelled as an accidental homewrecker and the other woman...But i know by heart i did mean to be and i honestly dont want to be on this position..I am 31 wks pregnant and just looking forward to our little one to come out..this is my story


So true...

Reality check!!!!

I know right, more like a gut punch. So he is due at noon to talk. I have no problem saying how I feel, my problem is I love him. I just want to wash him out of my head, to feel nothing for him. I want to walk away because that is what this relationship deserves.

If you really mean it, then do it.

I know it is unforeseeably hard and painful but, the longer you are in it the more pain you will feel in the long run.

I WAS the other woman years ago. I ended it, I cried like a baby for at least two weeks. Then found anger toward him for lying to me and so on, and somehow, got on with living.

I have loved very very few, and that jackass was the very fortunate recipient of my devoted love.

Well, again, maybe you need to feel more pain to motivate you, some kind of an ultimatum?

Mine was when we discussed his family situation and he point blank stated that he can not and would not leave his wife and child for me. Understand, that all along he was insisting they have marital difficulties and are discussing separation, ETC and so on.....


Good luck dear.

I'm praying for strength. I have 10 minutes .... maybe amnesia will strike!!! When he walks through the door I won't know who the hell he is.

It is the hardest thing to do! You are in love, but you can't have him. Please stop wasting time. If he loves you he will be with you.

Walk away with your head held high - you can still do it.

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I'm just realizing how awful this feels. After a year things have started to deteriorate in my relationship with a MM. This weekend was the first time we had actually gone somewhere together. One day in I was asked to leave because his family decided to come join him. I felt like s**t, like the OW. But, I AM the OW. Nothing more.

These men are just missing that spark that passion that their marriage has lost. And they want he excitement of someone new. .....

Or maybe they wanted two (or three) women in the first place, but most countries don't allow that because of their legal system. It IS changing in the US, and it is actually legal, more or less, to have multiple wives. About the only guys doing it, though, are in Utah in the Mormon areas...for those people who kept the old Mormon religion instead of changing it to get rid of the multiple wives part of it.

Some countries you CAN have multiple wives (or husbands), and for many people it works out very well. For example, you have three wives, and everything is above board, everyone knows about it, and the wives are all treated fairly.

Then you have places (like most of the US) where it is unacceptable, so the guys that are able to have multiple girls, have a wife and then have secret one really knows what is going on, and some of the women may be getting way more, or way less, than their fair share of time and financial commitment, which is not the best way to do things.

I'm all for changing laws and attitudes regarding marriage, so that people can marry who they want to marry. I do not like it when religions, governments, and individuals want to try and control other people. Work on your own life, instead of trying to mess with other people's attempts for happiness.

You do as you see fit and I'll do the same! If you don't like my experiences then don't read them! I'm not messing with anyone's attempt to be happy! I am simply stating how things are in the real world!


I am also in the same situation, i have recently started dating a married man, i am a married woman myself but my marriage has been nothing but physically and emotionally abusive so he has become a shoulder to cry on and i have been the same for him since he also has problems with his wife . The thing is i have fallen deeply in love with him and i don't know what to do, i don't want to lose him and he feels the same way about me. will he leave his wife for me?

Only the two of you can answer that question. It isn't all it's cracked up to be. So be careful what you wish for.

I am also the other woman of a married man I found out he does not just have me but other women like me to I have a bbm pin of one of this other - other woman do u think I must inv her and tel her what he is all about or just leave it all together him and her so she can find out for her self? I feel cheated and bad he lies about everything , I snooped on his phone and got the shock of my life to see all the picks and the msg he did not delete before he came to me bcs he knew I do not check his phone, I know him for six years and never moved on but now I will.

I personally wouldn't want a man like that, but if he's doing it to his wife, you can bet he's going to do it to you!

its so weird because I read this and I am like are so right.. however, in reality... I am this girl. I dont even want to be with my married man. The relationship has messed me up emotionally. Sometimes I feel like i cling on him to try and learn how to be better at spotting charming sociopaths. I even told me MM..who swears he is only in love me..dont even tell me that anymore..I never say anything back when he trys to turn on them snake eyes and express his lying love for me. However, I say that and then we will be cuddled up in bed when we can get together. I beleive I truly have developed caring feelings for him. I 100 percent could never be in a committed relationship with him..I just dont know if I could see myself without his friendship.

all i can said to you ,,, you left your husband for something better,,,or did you get fool ,,,Now you face a bigger problem in the after life,,, that little word ''Adultery'' it mean ,,, you may not go to heaven,,,,

Adultery does not mean you might not go to heaven! We are forgiven for our sins and if you are not going to be supportive, please don't comment!

read the Ten Commandment ...Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery ....

that God law.......

Yes but God forgives and you should too.

God gave us all one chance in life...God send his law to us ,,,now you know,,,,read about King David ,,,in the Hebrew bible...what happen to King David....

When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, "Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her."
John 8:7

Thank you ab

your friend wrong,,,,, you and her need to read the bible....

Jesus said that ,,John just wrote it down.....

I was stating the chapter and verse, not who said it. The quote is from the Bible, book John, chapter 8, verse 7.

Jesus said it to scribes and Pharisees in relation to a woman accused of adultery.

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hi to in a big trouble confusion frustration dunno wat to marriage life wasnt good i started wrkin........n a wrk place i met a man who was already married but i dunno it.............later he approached me and purposed.........i also accepted trusted him he made me to divorce and later he simple married without registering and said wil intro in my family to my parents later i too believed..........i loved him alot..........i had one boy kid with my ex hubby............he looked him lik our own kid.......after a yr we got prob and i felt insecure with him.....coz he was well attached with his family and weekends outing tours and many occasions.........i am depressed i missed many good time and festivals and many things due to married a man...........he started telling excuses to b with his family...........nw we had girl baby 5mnths old............he s actin to me but wat to do hav to run my life still after all this am lovin him......but he needs his family but sometimes he wants me to b n his favour am living with myparents support dunno hw to copeup with him...................plz giv me a idea how to handle this guy.............

sound like your man is all ready married that why he didn't registering the married licence,,,,so you two are not married,,,good luck with your ladies man,,,

Seen some situations like this play out. I don't necessarily believe that all OTHER WOMEN want the MM to leave his SO although a lot certainly do want that. Sometimes they are both married to other people. Right or wrong everyone has their own reasons for doing it and I doubt winning a popularity vote is in their top ten list of concerns. No one can use you unless you let them.

Same thing happened to my mother and father. They were married, he left my mother for the other woman but he also refused to legally divorce my mother while lying to the other woman saying that my mother didn't want a divorce. Now that they are finally divorced he has still not married his mistress this has been going on since I was born and I'm 20 now, she's an old woman now. Still waiting for my father to marry her, it's quite sad. He cheats on her and in the past has even tried getting back with my mother and asking could he come home ect. I'm sure she probably doesn't know that though cause he lies to her. I despise my father, he's a low life and I cut off contact with him. I had asked him a few years ago first time I ever asked him for a dime in my life to help pay for college, but he couldn't do that. Ignored my messages and I just got rid of him. If you're still not an adult after all these years I doubt you'll ever be one.

This is so true.

Of course we all understand that the men in our lives aren't going to leav for us, save the naive few. We know that liars are liars and cheaters are cheaters. And we don't expect much more. But what we end up with is a man that we have strong feelings for. A man that we love, in many cases. Many of us don't know how we got where we are. But yet we are here. We are all, mostly, aware that we deserve better. But emotions aren't rational-- even science will tell you that-- so here we are. And we stay because we can't leave. It's not that any of us have good arguments against what you say, it's that we don't and it doesn't matter. This is where we want to be.

Very well put! I couldn't agree with you more.

Anyone else having issues with EP not notifying them of responses to this or other posts?

Yes ab I don't get a lot of notifications and that's why it takes so long for me to reply sometimes.

I haven't gotten a notification at all since like Jan.

I have to say, the idea of being a wife is not appealing to me. Yes, the husband stays with them generally. But for what? The mortgage, the household chores, the in-law visits.....i.e., all the crap parts of life. I was married before and I didn't like it. It was all the blah parts of having a man in your life and none of the fun parts. Even sex wasn't good any more after we got married.

I'm now divorced and in a long live-in relationship with a man, and there is almost no sex. And we still have the boring parts of life, without the fun parts.

So, I've decided that for me, single and dating is the way to go. I want a man in my life, but I want my own place.

And the thing is - at my age, nobody really attractive is still single. I'm not deliberately looking for married men - but I don't necessarily rule them out. It's because of the numbers. Most people are married.

TheTruthIfItKillsMe - it may just be that many married people are not happy, and some are. It's the same for singles - there are moments when life is great and moments when it isn't. You can't be on a high all your life!

She's back!

So happy you noticed.

As long as she behaves it's ok with me.

Wow steph we agree again. Let's not make this a habit. lol

Did she delete a bunch of messages or something? All I see if yours TotallyTea

No she didn't. It was me. I was using my phone and it kept telling me it didn't post. Sorry, I deleted the duplicates.

Thank you Totallytea. The following thought of mine crossed my mind. If he doesn't understand his wife, why will he understand another woman (we're all females, aren't we?). Another idle thought. Last summer, a guy in a committed relationship asked me very openly to sleep with him. He was about 30. His girlfriend was at home looking after the babies or toddlers. It still makes me laugh (although it isn't funny) that she could trust him out on his own, and that the 30 year old guy had no idea of my age. Maybe I should have brought a walking stick or something (to hit him over the head with, for example).

You must look amazing! I have to admit I still get my share of attention. Just last night I was riding my Harley and a guy pulled up and yelled hey sexy. I will be 50 soon. We are a new generation of women and age doesn't seem to matter anymore.

Great totallytea. And thank you for the compliment. I think it's what we believe in our hearts that's important. There's nothing wrong with being sexy at any age - or at least attractive and keeping to our own values. It is, as you say, a new generation of women and some of those men out there are going to have to put up with self-assertive women who will still dare to be attractive until they drop! Keep on looking attractive - you never know who might be there for you. (:o)

I posted a little while ago about walking away.. I did.. I lasted 3 days.. 3 days of crying and letting him go.. when the past and hurt of days past was gone.. all I wanted was him. He is a part of my heart and my soul and I just.. how do you leave a love like that? So for now im leading a double life.. we have agreed to start dating from the beginning.. and eventually we will blend our lives a little more.. il always be afraid he will never leave.. but for now im young and busy.. and .. how do I throwaway my soul mate. It broke him when I left.. how silly is that that I stay for him because I cant bear his hurt? The cycle never ends.

I think the cycle ends when you choose your wellbeing first. Not his. He isn't hurt enough to leave his wife. When and if he does, will you still trust him?

You are wasting the best years of your life! Absolutely do what is best for you. Screw him! He has it all. Think about you and put you first always. I know ours easier said than done.

Update? You were so right.. couldn't get my head and my heart to see eye to eye.. they still dont.. but.. my head is rational and has my best interest at heart whereas my heart just loves him too much. Everything was always about him and he kept taking me for granted.. I told him that I was raised to believe if you cant live without something you fight for it because a little pain now for a lifetime of happiness (assuming he ever actually left) is worth it and if you truly truly care about someone you stand by them unconditionally. But he never fought for me.. I dont doubt his love is real. But its not enough. He wanted to be friends for awhile.. knowing full well that its biologically impossible for us to be friends. I told him I cant.. its too hard. Maybe one day. Maybe. So I told him I will always love him. That I wish him all the very very best.. and that if his situation ever changes.. my number and email and Facebook will be the same. What did I get? No reply. But. I do have a dinner date next week with someone new :) possibility is everything and whilst im not ready to date.. its a step in the right direction. Finally. x

Awesome! I hope you stay strong. It will be a constant struggle for awhile. We are all here for support. You can do it. xoxo

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Add a response...Please help. I am struggling and need advice. I met a man a few years ago at the place I was working. We always flirted but he seemed to flirt with a lot of women and made it clear he talked/texted women all the time. He was up front about being married and I never thought anything about our friendship other than that we were just friends, although I was really attracted to him and him obviously to me. We started to get even closer last year and things began to turn towards becoming physically. He told me his marriage was falling apart and that he didn't know if he could stay with her. It was a dead marriage but he has 3 teenage kids and they are the only thing keeping him there. I had planned for a long time to move out of state so when we did finally become physical, this decision was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I left only a month after we first had sex, which was the most incredible, mind blowing experience of my life. We are soul mates. We are in love. He feels the exact same way that I do. He plans to leave his wife. Once I moved away we both realized that we are meant to be together. I couldn't stand to be away from him so I flew in every few weeks and stayed in a motel so we could be together. I didn't see my friends or family. I just spent every minute with him possible. Our hearts broke every time I had to leave. So after 6 months, I moved back in with my parents. He and his wife are separated but still living together. They have not be together physically since we started a physical relationship but he can't leave her because he has no money as he has financial problems and he can't afford to pay his mortgage, let alone another apartment or place of his own. I tell him I will wait for him forever if I have to but it is so hard. We are together almost every night. When we make love, it is like the first time, every time. What we have IS different than the typical MM and OW. He wants to spend the rest of his life with me and i with him. He is a lot older than me, I am 23 but says he will have more children with me. I can't wait. But there is this small part of me that has doubt. When will he actually leave his wife so we can be together? Is it true, once a cheater, always a cheater. He told his wife he is not with another woman and she believes him. Will he do the same to me? I see the lies he tells her and his children. Says he's at work all night when he is with me and part of me wonders if he will do that to our children. I am truly in love with him and he says we are soul mates and he married her because he was young and didn't know what he was doing and now he knows and he knows we are meant to be together. I am afraid that i will be waiting for a long time for him and that he will change his mind or find someone else that doesn't ask him to leave his wife. I am being patient with him. I don't pressure him at all. Am I blind? Please help.

Please don't waste your youth waiting for a MM. If he wanted to be with you, he would. Even if he does leave his wife, from what you said about him talking and texting women, I wouldn't trust him. You are young. Live life a little. Don't regret all the things you could have and should have done. If he truly loves you he will leave her. Tell him you don't want to see him anymore. Don't answer his calls and if he really wants to be with you he will make the changes necessary to be with you. If he doesn't, then you are much better off knowing now and not many years down the road. Trust me, he isn't the man you want or need in your life. Be careful what you wish for because it might just come true.

Thank you for your kind and encouraging words. I have thought these things over and over in my mind. He promises me that we will be together as soon as he can afford to move out. I truly believe we are soul mates and so does he. I have no doubt that he is in love with me. He makes me feel like the most amazing and beautiful woman on earth. He can't be with his wife because he feels he would be cheating on me. It's so backwards and confusing for both of us but we can't be apart. What if he is really the only man I will ever feel this way about and I leave him and the relationship. Won't I regret that for the rest of my life? At least if I wait for him and he does leave I am giving our love a chance. I miss him every minute we are apart and he misses me. I am so lonely without him. How can I possibly cut him out of my life when I feel this way.

If he really wants to be with you, he will make the necessary changes. If he isn't willing to do that for you, then he isn't your soul mate. Many of these men are just wanting the best of both worlds. I know it's hard, but what if he is just leading you on? At least this way you will know for sure.

My advice to you is to get out and deal with the heartbreak now. If you wait any longer your heart will be crushed. You can spend years with a man and if he is not motivated to be with you/marry you because you are giving him what he wants, there is no need for him to do anything because he is having his cake and eating it too. Words are cheap. They mean nothing. Action on the other hand, can move mountains. Good Luck sweetheart.

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No one said it as an excuse, but honey love doesn't always make sense and we ALL are guilty of making decisions that aren't always in our best interest. People are human and until you are something more than that you don't have the right to judge anyone else.

I know the other woman looks like a home wrecker.. and a s**t and all these other horrible things. I know its easy to say if he is married stay away.. stay far far away and 'go find your own man'. I too have found myself in the spot of the OW. He wasnt someone new. he was a love from my past where things ended.. 'openendedly' we never had closure and we went our separate ways still loving each other. years later through the innovation that is social media we reconnected. at first it was all so innocent.. emails and texting.. but seeing each other in person that chemistry and spark was and is still there. now i must be honest and say in hindsight i have been lied to from the beginning. I can see that from the get go he has wanted what he has wanted and i dont believe i matter in the grand scheme of things. i would never ever be a homewrecker.. he told me he was separated and had things to finalise.. then every time we would get close something would always be wrong. now.. i dont see it ever ending.. he wont leave his child and this i do understand. he says he loves me and fornow must put his own wants behind the needs of his childs and his childs best interests. he assures me he is not reconciling on his marriage however they will stay separated under the same roof and i am to remain a secret. i love this man with every part of my being and soul but i dont know how to do what comes next. i feel i cannot stay for all the obvious reasons and more and i feel i cannot go because this man is and always will be my soul mate. do i stay but look to live my life and find someone to move onto? or do i go and grieve and remember the love we had and hope to find it again some day? he assures me we will have a future together and that i am not merely a 'statistic' in regards to how many MM actually leave for the OW. Im not looking for judgement or criticism. i am my own harshest judge and critic and nothing that can be said i havent already thought on my own. I need guidance and support to navigate this incredibly difficult time to come. i feel i know the right decision is to go. but how do i make it.

One of my friends was in your situation. They had been engaged and her future husband went to war. He was badly injured and was cared for by a young woman. He fell in love with her and broke off his engagement. Years later, my friend and I met her man again and of course he was married. They had an affair for 30 years - and he would NOT leave the wife and children. Even when his wife went into care, he stayed. (Which was maybe the only decent thing he did for his wife). My friend was discarded like a tissue when she was older and had years and years of therapy. The man finally died. Did she ever get the man? Yes and no. But she also got years of grieving and unfortunately, three abortions. In those days, when you weren't married and pregnant, you were absolutely discriminated against.

How you go? Believe me, you just break all ties with him. Don't look back.

(I'm an attractive woman of 60 - men still approach me with the "my wife doesn't understand me" crap.)

thank you. i really appreciate this more than you know. i guess im just holding onto the past and the 'what should/might have been' i dont know where and how to begin to move on from him. i know in my heart im getting there slowly. every day i close the door a little bit at a time.. the more my texts go ignored.. etc. he looks at me with such love in his eyes.. i almost walked away the other week.. he looked like a lost little boy.. he couldnt look at me he just shut down and didnt know what to say or do.. so i caved and i went back on my words and i stayed. id be prepared to try this again.. if he ever moved on from his family and we could 'walk in the sunlight' but im realising a whole lot of broken promises and 'forevers' that are turning into 'nevers' i just need support i suppose because like i said.. i just dont know where and how to begin.. but at least its a start that i see i have to.. right?

Yes it is. Remind yourself every day that you are worth more than that. He may be lovable, and can look at you with love (by the way, so can my little grandson!!!). Every day, remind yourself that YOU can be walking in the sunshine with a man of your very own and that look of love will be just for you.

Much better steph. Thank you for sharing.

Thank you Totallytea. What a generous reply.

just turn and walk away,, never look back,,,,

one step at a time,,,,,,

one step at a time,,,then you make your own mind stay to leave,,,

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if you do not cheat ,,,,your better off ,,,,totallytea like your story you have wrote ,

Thank you for your post. I know you have been the OW and it all makes sense. My husband cheated when my son was 4 weeks old. I lost 40lb within 2 months, lost half my hair if not more, lost any self confidence I have. He says he wants to work on it but how do I even begin to believe that when actions speak louder. He says he cheated because I didn't sleep with him during my pregnancy. We had an active sex life before but after 5 miscarriages and not much info as to why I was miscarrying I was scared to take that chance. He knew that because we lost a son in the second trimester and I told him I wouldn't sleep with him if wet got pregnant again. And if that were the case, why didn't he cheat when Iwas pregnant? I don't understand men and I want to move on but I've lost myself. Everything I felt good about myself is gone. And to all you
OW out there, It will happen to you if he leaves his wife for you. Don't play yourself like a fiddle. Don't be ignorant to that idea that things will be fantastic if he wants you and no longer his wife. I can tell you that reality will set in and hum drum of life and same BS will happen. r

Yes Jemsgirl. I sympathise with you. Unfortunately (and fortunately) as wives and partners, our husbands expect us to have sex when they want it, including during pregnancy. It doesn't mean that what you did was wrong, or that he was being very compassionate. If you still love him and he still loves you, you do still have a chance. You are still his wife - and a small son - but it's up to you if you still want him. I'd work very hard on my self-confidence in your place because that's important for yourself and for your little son. He'll notice - when everyone else does! Go on out there and make a few changes - hairstyle, lipstick or whatever. You're very young and life is still out there. So stuff him. Let him doubt himself a bit.

I don't want him to leave his wife and marry me. I didn't like being married when I did it the first time. Why would I want to do it again?!

This is not how everyone feels of course, but a majority do want more than what they have.

Omg. U WOMEN DONT GET IT!! If hes MARRIED THEN STAY THE HELL AWAY!!! Yall are a big reason they cheat. Women flirt and flirt. And like the idea that a married man is in to her! 90% chance is hes only in to you because u put out! Most men cheat bc of sex! Point blank! I have been on both sides! When I was younger i slept with a man who was married! But I'm older and married myself, and it FCKN hurts bad if your spouse cheats on u! Keep in mind all of you CARMA IS A *****! If u sleep around with a married man. Then one day after u r married, ur husband will cheat on u then u will realize how dumb u were wen u was sleeping with a married man. U will feel so sorry for the wife of the Man U slept around with!! THERE IS A REASON ITS CALLED MARRIAGE!!! Bc WEN U GET MARRIED IT A MAN AND A WOMEN THAT PROMISE EACH OTHER TO STAY WIT EACH OTHER TIL THEY DIE AND NEVER CHEAT AND STICK BY THEM FOREVER THRU WHATEVER! That means KEEP UR HAND OFF AND UR BODY OFF!!! It means STAY AS FAR AWAY AS POSSIBLE! IT MEAN OFF LIMITS!!!! if tere weren't so many ****** in this world there wouldn't be that many men cheating!!

Such language! Don't blame the other women for your man being a dog.

Ur right I'm sorry for the language

Btw wen i was 17 and had the affair with a married man. I didnt know if was married with two kids until his wife came to my house and talked to me. I got called some bad names when I had no idea about the wife, when I did find out it was over! Yes my heart was broke bad. I thought we were in love. So I'm not judging women who didnt know about him being married, however when u found out u left, bc if u didnt then ur the kind i do judge. Trust me. If u were married like i am for 7 years now and ur husband cheats physically or emotionally you then will realize EXACTLY HOW BAD IT HURTS AND TEARS UR INSIDES OUT AND UR HEART IS IN BILLIONS OF PIECES, u cant sleep eat, all u wanna do is cry, U DONT KNOW WHAT ELSE TO DO, ur AT A CROSS ROADS, especially IF U HAVE CHILDREN WITH UR HUBAND LIKE I DO!!

Honey sorry your hurt and angry but all of us women r in this together as more times than not we all r falling for the lies on both ends. Lets not degrade each other when some MM are doing such a job!

Thank you. And I understand that. There are a lot of women they don't know that their boyfriend is married, and I don't think bad of them bc I was in that spot before. But I don't care who hates me for this or not, I will always believe and I know I am right, that NO woman should go after a married man. Even if he is telling her everything she wants to hear. Yes HES A JERK. But the OW needs to realize that she isn't the only one that's dealing with this. THE WIFE IS DEALING WITH WAY MORE THAN THE OW. you all may disagree but u will agree one day if you find yourself in the wife's shoes. I know the OW will be hurt and have a lot of pain. BUT the wife is in way way more pain than the OW(unless the wife is also cheating or she doesn't love her husband) but if she's like me and she adores her husband more than her own life then she will deal with way more. The OW will eventually get over it and find someone knew, the wife however WILL NEVER get over it. Marriage is much much more than just dating someone. Boyfriends come and go, but a marriage is suppose to last a lifetime. I am still with my husband, and it's been 3 years since I read emails and found out a bunch of crap he was doing. I'm on here now bc I'm scared he's talking to someone again, but I'm not sure. The thing is I KNOW THAT HE LOVES ME. And no I'm not being naive. I know for a fact he loves me, but he has a lot of deep issues from his childhood. His dad use was a full time preacher but very abusive behind closed doors, his mom finally had enough and divorced him and then got cancer and died when my husband was 17 years old. A deacon of the church sexually abused him when he was a very small boy. He has been through a lot.
Four months after I found out about what he did my 4 year old daughter died in a car accident we got in. She was his step daughter, but he was in her life when she was 2 months old. He was more of a father than her biological father. I, myself have been thru hell and back. So my heart was crushed when I found out what all he did then my first child died in my arms. I can't take anymore hurt OR ILL HAVE TO B ADMITTED INTO A MENTAL INSTITUTE.. Here in past couple weeks he's been showing signs of cheating so I'm extremely worried. And when I got on here and started reading some of the comments I got pissed. Bc men are mostly all about sex. But women can be so conniving, manipulative, sneaky and ect. I know bc I'm a woman and I know how women think. And I don't care if it's the presidents wife, no woman period has any business messin around with a married man.. And I meant what I said about carma bc I experienced it.. When my husband did all that I emailed the woman that's married to the man I slept with years ago and apologized a billion times and told her what happened to me, she replied back and said I'm glad it happened to you, she said nothing personal and I'm not being mean, but I'm glad you get to feel the pain I felt. And she was totally right. The OW thinks they have it bad but they don't.. The wives got it bad, as wives we have to worry about our new house we built together, our children WE MADE TOGETHER, our life we made together, our family that now has to be broken apart, our future was set but now we feel we don't have a future. Bc this isn't just a boyfriend that broke up with us, this is our husband that betrayed us and our trust. We will NEVER b able to trust him again or any man for that matter. I stayed with my husband and I promise you that It takes YEARS to fully get over it. And I will NEVER b able to forget

it call adultery,,,, left the man up stair handle it ,,,their a place he make ,,,,,

If a man wants to cheat, HE WILL! There is nothing anyone can do about it. You can not control another person. Yes it hurts, but you now have a choice. You can stay and put up with it or you can move on and find your happiness. Only you can make that choice.

I kno but Idk which choice I should make. My 1st child that died 3 years ago I had when I was 19. Her father wantd 2b n her life. So we did the evry other weekend thing &even tho I miss her terribly bad, its best for her in heaven Bc poor baby had suffered a lot goin back & forth. It was very confusing 2her. It caused many problems. So I dont want 2put my other two children through same thing shayna went through. My daughter Gracie's 5 and my son Brody's 2 &even tho they both are a huge momma's baby they also love their daddy very much. I must add that 3 yrs ago I left my husband aftr I found out what he did. I divorced him, we stayed divorced for 6 months. My brothers a lawyer so I had our divorce finalized one month after I kicked him out. During those 6 months we stayed in contact, I had dated a couple guys & he slept w/a few girls but actually dated one. The entire time he was dating her he kept texting me, driving me crazy, sending me flowers.( we slept 2gthr a couple time 2.)He did everything then that he shouldve done in our marriage. I was still so in love w/him & I kno he loved me then & loves me now. We remarried right after my daughter passed away. & been together ever since. My problem now is Ive seen a cpl signs of him cheating r talkn 2 sum1. Idk for a fact but I do suspect hes doin sumthn wrong. &even tho its been 3 yrs since he did anythn I still cant fully trust him or what he says. I askd him today bc he's all of a sudden questioning me & askin who I'm texting evry time I grab my phone (wen I wont b even textin period). He's made a couple comments like you better not be meeting no guy during the day. Or stupid crap like that. I asked him y is he actin like this all of a sudden, I havent givin him any kind of reason 2think I'm cheating. Then a flag went up wen he startd acting like he wantd 2 have sex w/me. Our first 3 yrs of marriage we had sex everyday sumtimes twice a day, but since then we do it once or twice a week. Which is not my fault. Hes always too tired.& I kno he's not lyin bout that, he really is tired. So I got use 2 him not tryin 2have sex but 2-3 times a week. &in this last week hes been wanting sex a lot. So after I asked him bout cheating we got in a small argument & he says "trust me I am not cheating, I wouldn't be with you if i was." But The way he said it sounded kinda offensive so it hurt my feelings. But then I cant help but wonder if he sayin that bc he knows he's guilty or he actually means what he said & is he questioning me bc he has a guilty conscious or just bein stupid!!! So I can't just jump up & leave until I kno the 100% truth but idk how 2find out 100% truth. I can go 2his job but can't go any further than the Parkin lot & I hav 2 kids so I can't go spy on him. I know this has nothin 2do w/ur aticle, but maybe sum1 can help give advice. Especially since there's a lot of women on here that are or was the mistress.

All I can say is go with your gut feeling. It is NEVER wrong. The truth will eventually come out.

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I don't know how many times all of us have asked you stephaniebis to refrain from posting negative comments. THIS IS A SUPPORT GROUP! We understand your point of view.

Oh gosh TT! I just flagged her again! I can't believe she's still on such a rampage.

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I'm new and I'm not really sure why I'm posting. I found this site on the hunt for...something..on the internet. I've never thought of myself as a home wrecker or a *****, but I guess I am the ow. Sort of. I met a man last year through work and we went out one night on business and had a blast. As in a mind blowing connection with someone. Nothing happened, but a quick drink for networking purposes turned into six hours with us both commenting that it was a weird old night and that we got on great and blimey wasn't that like a first date. I knew he was married with kids and I knew there was no intent in it but it knocked me sideways. Conscious of our work connection I didn't want to embarrass myself by doing anything, that was last night, today was a new day so if leave it be. He invited me for breakfast which I couldn't make and I knew he was due to leave the country at the end of the day. Yes, he lives 6000 miles away from me too.. We exchanged a few emails throughout the day just light chat but agreed we'd meet to say bye. Again nothing happened except he said he felt confused he was married and shouldn't be feeling like this, whatever this was, and didn't want to leave. We'd agreed this whole thing was weird and a little overwhelming. I left and yes, in true movie fashion, with the train signalman blowing his whistle, he kissed me and I hopped on the train. I cried stupidly after that totally overwhelmed by what had happened in the last 24hours and what I was feeling - not love just a huge bond with someone - who couldn't be mine and who knew if/when I'd see again. We text lots after that, and we'd speak on the phone. Our conversations were about everything and nothing, not filthy chat etc. each time 'the situation' came up with him feeling odd; having strong feelings towards me but equally feeling as though he has crossed a line but us emailing, texting etc everyday. He had a number of melt downs in that regard where he'd be in a real state about the situation. To the point where we'd barely spoken for a couple of weeks. Then he told me he was planning a last minute trip back to see his parents. On the one night he had in the same city as me we went out, he brought up the conversation of us and our situation. In summary he was honest, he made vows he felt he should keep, he's a dad, he can't be someone that has an affair or divorces. He said if we carried on how we had been he'd fall totally in love with me. He worried if he left and we married whether he'd do the same to me, wasn't he supposed to stay and work through this. Although he would stumble by saying he's never felt this way and has not stayed or been tempted in 17years. He said what he wanted and what he had to do were two separate things. It broke my heart hearing and seeing the anguish for him. We stayed in touch although the intensity of our conversations, and frequency, fluctuates. Today we're having a cool day. I know enough to know it's not me, it's the moral dilemma he struggles with, but the consequences are the same in that I am left desperately sad. I don't really know why I'm writing this. I see some quite hateful comments on here about these men not being real men and the ow are awful ***** and things. I think people forget that many of the ow are people too that just want to be loved and sometimes we get pulled in by a fantasy, but that can happen whether a man is married or not. Surely we've all dated someone that we've believed and really hoped could be the one! I don't see myself as a home wrecker, and I don't see him as an a***hole. I've never slept with him - although find him incredibly attractive - and he has never bad mouthed his wife or blamed bad/infrequent sex. So not all mm or ow fit the mould. I doubt I'll have my happy ending but I think there are other outcomes and maybe my story shows that to some people who view cheating/being the other person etc as diabolical, it's far from black and white.
It never occurred to me that my mm may think of me in such negative light!

You do deserved to be loved, just not by a married man. I'm sorry you dealing with this, but you should've never let it get to the point of him having feelings for you or you having feelings for him. Actually no married man should ever be alone with a woman.. Except for his own mother. Bc that's when temptation sets in. Especially if he and his wife is going thru a rough spot bc then he's vulnerable. And I don't want to hurt your feelings, but if he truly thought he could be falling in love with you then he would've left his wife.its possible he didn't wanna hurt your feelings so he told you something he thought u wanted to hear. I respect him for telling you all that and saying it has to stop then again I disrespect him that he allowed it to even get to that.. I know that it's NOT just the OW's fault. I know that both are at fault, the OW and MM. And sometimes it's the wife's fault as well. We get caught up in our busy life, taking care of kids is a full time job, then keeping house clean, cooking dinner. We attend to forget how our husband needs to feel loved, needed, appreciated just like we do.. It's a hard job on both sides. But nobody said marriage is easy, bc it's hard work for both husband and wife. I'm saying all this bc a lot of men that cheat usually is rooted from the home life.and just bc he cheats doesn't mean he doesn't love his wife, actually 90% of them do still love their spouse and doesn't want to mess their marriage up. If the OW starts telling the MM that he needs to leave his wife, 1. he will either break up with her, or 2. lie to her and say he will, BUT HE KNOWS HE NEVER WILL LEAVE HIS WIFE. the wife usually has the upper hand if it were to come down to a competition on who can win his heart. I know you hurting but please put yourself in the wife's shoes. Try thinking that your married to the man that rocks ur world, u been with him for years, now as years go by u age a little & ur not as hot & fine as u use 2b. So now u have a low self esteem.. now this younger & attractive, fun woman comes along, flirts w/ur husband, she starts makin him feel he's on top of the world & if the continue 2 talk they eventually have sex. Now if u can really imagine it then you will see where I'm coming from. It's not fair to the wife that has worked hard for years on her marriage for some girl/woman to come in and take it all away or try to. Like I said every single soul on this earth deserves to find true love. But it's NOT true love if that person is married. There are billions of people on this earth. There's plenty of "SINGLE" MEN to go around. So y try to pursue a married man? I honestly don't understand it?? U know this man is married, so y would u still text & talk 2 him.. In the long run you will get hurt. And he's right if he will cheat on his wife now, he would also cheat on u if y'all were 2get 2gther.. The article above is so true. Don't be so naive. You need to block him 100% out of ur phone, emails, and ur life. And move on and find a man that's single or at least completely divorced & not just separated. The longer u wait 2shut him out the more hurt you will be. The sooner u stop it the sooner u can move on to better. I promise u will find the perfect man for you one day, just be patient. "All things good come to those who wait,,,"

Thanks for your reply. I do understand your comments although I don't agree with everything. I frequently have lunch/dinner/drinks by myself with married men, it's nothing sinister but I work In a male dominated environment and am expected to to build relationships-with everyone. So this is quite common. I haven't been in a situation like this but I've been living the same way for 11 Years so I know this is a bit different.
You're right, marriage takes work although I would also say that we never know what someone's marriage is really like. I'm "Lucky" in that I'm not spun a yarn about how terrible home life is etc but people DO change and someone that did once rock your world when you met at 20 doesn't necessarily at 40. I'm just saying that there are many different variables. I've always taken the view that a marriage cannot be broken unless it's broken already. And there is or shouldn't be, any shame in divorce. Hopefully everyone who gets married means it when they make those vows, that forever will be forever but literally no one can swear to honestly love someone forever. No one knows how we will feel next year let alone next decade. In my opinion life is not a rehearsal and if a couple have moved on to a point where those feelings are not the same anymore, no one should stay just because they made vows, nor because they had children. A parents marriage is meant to be a role model so one without love, affection, desire, respect etc is not a good example. Nor is having an affair. Sadly the vast majority of human beings will not leave a relationship, married or not, unless there is someone else. People lack the courage and, frankly, who wants to be alone? Unless it's abusive (and even then) many people chose to stay. In fact many people chose to stay when they DO meet someone else because we are scared of making a decision that changes our environment sp much. Again I say this not in the context of me, but I really don't think I am naive, we live in a world or grey and I think to say a man will never leave, a man should honour his vows etc is a bit black and white. Life is complicated. In an ideal world we'd either be able to really love forever (of course some people do ) or we'd be able to identify our feelings and do the right thing before any other man or woman became involved. Sadly we're not.

Unfortunately you are in the relationship and can't see the reality of the situation. You obviously have never been married or had a family. If you had, you would realize how self serving and uncaring your comments are. If he is married, he is taken. Respect yourself and the wife and do the right thing. Regardless of what his relationship is with his spouse, marriage is a commitment. If he chooses to have a relationship with you, or anyone else, he needs to end his marriage first. Do unto others as you would want them to do unto you. I'm sure you would not want another woman tempting your husband....Please do the right thing. Let him work out his problems in his marriage ( either way). His wife is a woman who loves her husband and has feelings just like you. The heartache you will feel making a clean break pales in comparison to the excruciating pain his wife and family will feel if you go through with this.

thats giving it straight my mm had no children, divorced his wife, and we lasted 24 yrs. He adored me but I wanted out! Next MM hid his marriage for over 1 yr. Its all just BS and no sex is worth it but its not the sex but whats missing inside that we all look for. U can only find it in urself-not a man.