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Don't You Women Get It?

Don't you women get it yet? Most married men are not going to leave their wife for the other woman. These men want the best of both and as long as you're giving it to them that's how things will be. These men are just missing that spark that passion that their marriage has lost. And they want he excitement of someone new. Oh at first, they really think that they're in love, but as time goes by they realize that they aren't as it becomes more routine.

When the other woman starts pressuring the married man to leave his wife, normally he dumps her. All these men want is the thrill of being with somebody new and to know that they're still attractive to other women. They want the stability they have with their wife and the excitement they have with the other woman they want the best of both.

Why would you want to be second best? If they're lying to their wife, don't you think they're lying to you to? Of course they are!

Now I'm not saying all married men are like this. but  I am saying that you deserve better! Why do we as women put up with this? I myself put up with this for over eight years. My married man did marry me, but he has cheated on me too. Do you really believe you are the difference? I did! Even though he promised to never bring strife into our marriage and never cheat on me, the fact is he did!

These men are very good at lying and deceiving. They're good looking charming and have all the qualities that a woman would want. They are manipulators. All they care about is themselves and what they can get for themselves. They're going to tell you what they think you want to hear. As long as he keeps you right there wrapped around his finger. He will keep leading you on as long as you keep letting him!

Every single story here is the same! The OW is usually the one that has to put up with all kinds of bullshit. Constantly being stood up. Always waiting by the phone and forever changing her schedule to accommodate him! All for what? To either keep doing it because she is in love or end it because she deserves so much more than this. Either way, The OW usually gets the short end of the stick!

All the other women all say that the sex is incredible. What is it that makes it so incredible? Could it be because he's forbidden and a  bad boy? Or maybe his wife just finally trained him right?

If you happen to be lucky enough to have your MM leave his wife and family, it can be even worse. Once his wife and family find out about you, you have now become the enemy it's all your fault. You're a terrible homewrecker the kids will never like you and the wife has nothing nice to say about you. They usually end up alienating the married man too. The children listened to their mother and the horrible thing she has to say about the father and the woman that took him from her so their opinion is not very good of your relationship. They tend not to want to be around you and if they are they usually just want something from you.

Things that aren't issues to a normal couple, end up creating problems for the new relationship. Family functions don't usually go very well. You end up fighting with your spouse over the stupidest things. So I ask you, is he really worth all that? And if he did it to her you can bet he'll do it to you! Of course there are always exceptions to the rule, and we all hope we have that exception but the truth is we can't all have that exception.

So all you other women stand up for yourselves demand respect and get a man you deserve!
totallytea totallytea 46-50, F 160 Responses Oct 3, 2011

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Of course we all understand that the men in our lives aren't going to leav for us, save the naive few. We know that liars are liars and cheaters are cheaters. And we don't expect much more. But what we end up with is a man that we have strong feelings for. A man that we love, in many cases. Many of us don't know how we got where we are. But yet we are here. We are all, mostly, aware that we deserve better. But emotions aren't rational-- even science will tell you that-- so here we are. And we stay because we can't leave. It's not that any of us have good arguments against what you say, it's that we don't and it doesn't matter. This is where we want to be.

Very well put! I couldn't agree with you more.

Thank you for writing this story.Exactly what they need to hear

Bless your heart...

Anyone else having issues with EP not notifying them of responses to this or other posts?

Yes ab I don't get a lot of notifications and that's why it takes so long for me to reply sometimes.

I haven't gotten a notification at all since like Jan.

I have to say, the idea of being a wife is not appealing to me. Yes, the husband stays with them generally. But for what? The mortgage, the household chores, the in-law visits.....i.e., all the crap parts of life. I was married before and I didn't like it. It was all the blah parts of having a man in your life and none of the fun parts. Even sex wasn't good any more after we got married.

I'm now divorced and in a long live-in relationship with a man, and there is almost no sex. And we still have the boring parts of life, without the fun parts.

So, I've decided that for me, single and dating is the way to go. I want a man in my life, but I want my own place.

And the thing is - at my age, nobody really attractive is still single. I'm not deliberately looking for married men - but I don't necessarily rule them out. It's because of the numbers. Most people are married.

TheTruthIfItKillsMe - it may just be that many married people are not happy, and some are. It's the same for singles - there are moments when life is great and moments when it isn't. You can't be on a high all your life!

She's back!

So happy you noticed.

As long as she behaves it's ok with me.

Wow steph we agree again. Let's not make this a habit. lol

Did she delete a bunch of messages or something? All I see if yours TotallyTea

No she didn't. It was me. I was using my phone and it kept telling me it didn't post. Sorry, I deleted the duplicates.

Thank you Totallytea. The following thought of mine crossed my mind. If he doesn't understand his wife, why will he understand another woman (we're all females, aren't we?). Another idle thought. Last summer, a guy in a committed relationship asked me very openly to sleep with him. He was about 30. His girlfriend was at home looking after the babies or toddlers. It still makes me laugh (although it isn't funny) that she could trust him out on his own, and that the 30 year old guy had no idea of my age. Maybe I should have brought a walking stick or something (to hit him over the head with, for example).

You must look amazing! I have to admit I still get my share of attention. Just last night I was riding my Harley and a guy pulled up and yelled hey sexy. I will be 50 soon. We are a new generation of women and age doesn't seem to matter anymore.

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Add a response...Please help. I am struggling and need advice. I met a man a few years ago at the place I was working. We always flirted but he seemed to flirt with a lot of women and made it clear he talked/texted women all the time. He was up front about being married and I never thought anything about our friendship other than that we were just friends, although I was really attracted to him and him obviously to me. We started to get even closer last year and things began to turn towards becoming physically. He told me his marriage was falling apart and that he didn't know if he could stay with her. It was a dead marriage but he has 3 teenage kids and they are the only thing keeping him there. I had planned for a long time to move out of state so when we did finally become physical, this decision was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I left only a month after we first had sex, which was the most incredible, mind blowing experience of my life. We are soul mates. We are in love. He feels the exact same way that I do. He plans to leave his wife. Once I moved away we both realized that we are meant to be together. I couldn't stand to be away from him so I flew in every few weeks and stayed in a motel so we could be together. I didn't see my friends or family. I just spent every minute with him possible. Our hearts broke every time I had to leave. So after 6 months, I moved back in with my parents. He and his wife are separated but still living together. They have not be together physically since we started a physical relationship but he can't leave her because he has no money as he has financial problems and he can't afford to pay his mortgage, let alone another apartment or place of his own. I tell him I will wait for him forever if I have to but it is so hard. We are together almost every night. When we make love, it is like the first time, every time. What we have IS different than the typical MM and OW. He wants to spend the rest of his life with me and i with him. He is a lot older than me, I am 23 but says he will have more children with me. I can't wait. But there is this small part of me that has doubt. When will he actually leave his wife so we can be together? Is it true, once a cheater, always a cheater. He told his wife he is not with another woman and she believes him. Will he do the same to me? I see the lies he tells her and his children. Says he's at work all night when he is with me and part of me wonders if he will do that to our children. I am truly in love with him and he says we are soul mates and he married her because he was young and didn't know what he was doing and now he knows and he knows we are meant to be together. I am afraid that i will be waiting for a long time for him and that he will change his mind or find someone else that doesn't ask him to leave his wife. I am being patient with him. I don't pressure him at all. Am I blind? Please help.

Please don't waste your youth waiting for a MM. If he wanted to be with you, he would. Even if he does leave his wife, from what you said about him talking and texting women, I wouldn't trust him. You are young. Live life a little. Don't regret all the things you could have and should have done. If he truly loves you he will leave her. Tell him you don't want to see him anymore. Don't answer his calls and if he really wants to be with you he will make the changes necessary to be with you. If he doesn't, then you are much better off knowing now and not many years down the road. Trust me, he isn't the man you want or need in your life. Be careful what you wish for because it might just come true.

Thank you for your kind and encouraging words. I have thought these things over and over in my mind. He promises me that we will be together as soon as he can afford to move out. I truly believe we are soul mates and so does he. I have no doubt that he is in love with me. He makes me feel like the most amazing and beautiful woman on earth. He can't be with his wife because he feels he would be cheating on me. It's so backwards and confusing for both of us but we can't be apart. What if he is really the only man I will ever feel this way about and I leave him and the relationship. Won't I regret that for the rest of my life? At least if I wait for him and he does leave I am giving our love a chance. I miss him every minute we are apart and he misses me. I am so lonely without him. How can I possibly cut him out of my life when I feel this way.

If he really wants to be with you, he will make the necessary changes. If he isn't willing to do that for you, then he isn't your soul mate. Many of these men are just wanting the best of both worlds. I know it's hard, but what if he is just leading you on? At least this way you will know for sure.

THERE IS NO EXCUSE, TO CHEAT ON SOMEONE YOUR MARRIED TO.. IF THINGS AREN'T WORKING OUT, THEN TRY AND IF ALL ELSE FAILS GET A DAMN DIVORCE. IF YOU WANT EACH OTHER BACK THEN GET BACK TOGETHER... YOU CAN ALWAYS GET MARRIED AGAIN... STOP MAKING EXCUSES FOR BEING SELFISH....

No one said it as an excuse, but honey love doesn't always make sense and we ALL are guilty of making decisions that aren't always in our best interest. People are human and until you are something more than that you don't have the right to judge anyone else.

Sometimes married people change. The marriage changes. One or both people change. Some couples ignore this, others work on the relationship to rekindle what was lost. Other times, the marriage fails. Until you meet and all in love with someone you have been looking for all along. This is what happened to me and my married man. We were both in failed marriages. It took us a year to end our marriages are we are now happily together. I know at times she may think I was the other woman...and yes I was. I didn't ask for it or plan it. Yet, my man and I were careful and discreet and had a plan to end things the right way at home. We always had our children's best interest in mind. Some people might not agree with this, but why should I have continued on in an unhappy marriage. I was neglected and ignored. Why my husband cheating? Maybe, I had no proof. However, if he was I now understand why. Until you live in a marriage like that, you have no place to judge me.

i been there yes my husband cheated on me,,,, yes i walk a way ,,,, got a divorce and i'm happy today,,,

I know the other woman looks like a home wrecker.. and a s**t and all these other horrible things. I know its easy to say if he is married stay away.. stay far far away and 'go find your own man'. I too have found myself in the spot of the OW. He wasnt someone new. he was a love from my past where things ended.. 'openendedly' we never had closure and we went our separate ways still loving each other. years later through the innovation that is social media we reconnected. at first it was all so innocent.. emails and texting.. but seeing each other in person that chemistry and spark was and is still there. now i must be honest and say in hindsight i have been lied to from the beginning. I can see that from the get go he has wanted what he has wanted and i dont believe i matter in the grand scheme of things. i would never ever be a homewrecker.. he told me he was separated and had things to finalise.. then every time we would get close something would always be wrong. now.. i dont see it ever ending.. he wont leave his child and this i do understand. he says he loves me and fornow must put his own wants behind the needs of his childs and his childs best interests. he assures me he is not reconciling on his marriage however they will stay separated under the same roof and i am to remain a secret. i love this man with every part of my being and soul but i dont know how to do what comes next. i feel i cannot stay for all the obvious reasons and more and i feel i cannot go because this man is and always will be my soul mate. do i stay but look to live my life and find someone to move onto? or do i go and grieve and remember the love we had and hope to find it again some day? he assures me we will have a future together and that i am not merely a 'statistic' in regards to how many MM actually leave for the OW. Im not looking for judgement or criticism. i am my own harshest judge and critic and nothing that can be said i havent already thought on my own. I need guidance and support to navigate this incredibly difficult time to come. i feel i know the right decision is to go. but how do i make it.

One of my friends was in your situation. They had been engaged and her future husband went to war. He was badly injured and was cared for by a young woman. He fell in love with her and broke off his engagement. Years later, my friend and I met her man again and of course he was married. They had an affair for 30 years - and he would NOT leave the wife and children. Even when his wife went into care, he stayed. (Which was maybe the only decent thing he did for his wife). My friend was discarded like a tissue when she was older and had years and years of therapy. The man finally died. Did she ever get the man? Yes and no. But she also got years of grieving and unfortunately, three abortions. In those days, when you weren't married and pregnant, you were absolutely discriminated against.

How you go? Believe me, you just break all ties with him. Don't look back.

(I'm an attractive woman of 60 - men still approach me with the "my wife doesn't understand me" crap.)

thank you. i really appreciate this more than you know. i guess im just holding onto the past and the 'what should/might have been' i dont know where and how to begin to move on from him. i know in my heart im getting there slowly. every day i close the door a little bit at a time.. the more my texts go ignored.. etc. he looks at me with such love in his eyes.. i almost walked away the other week.. he looked like a lost little boy.. he couldnt look at me he just shut down and didnt know what to say or do.. so i caved and i went back on my words and i stayed. id be prepared to try this again.. if he ever moved on from his family and we could 'walk in the sunlight' but im realising a whole lot of broken promises and 'forevers' that are turning into 'nevers' i just need support i suppose because like i said.. i just dont know where and how to begin.. but at least its a start that i see i have to.. right?

Yes it is. Remind yourself every day that you are worth more than that. He may be lovable, and can look at you with love (by the way, so can my little grandson!!!). Every day, remind yourself that YOU can be walking in the sunshine with a man of your very own and that look of love will be just for you.

Much better steph. Thank you for sharing.

Thank you Totallytea. What a generous reply.

just turn and walk away,, never look back,,,,

one step at a time,,,,,,

one step at a time,,,then you make your own mind up....to stay to leave,,,

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if you do not cheat ,,,,your better off ,,,,totallytea like your story you have wrote ,

Thank you for your post. I know you have been the OW and it all makes sense. My husband cheated when my son was 4 weeks old. I lost 40lb within 2 months, lost half my hair if not more, lost any self confidence I have. He says he wants to work on it but how do I even begin to believe that when actions speak louder. He says he cheated because I didn't sleep with him during my pregnancy. We had an active sex life before but after 5 miscarriages and not much info as to why I was miscarrying I was scared to take that chance. He knew that because we lost a son in the second trimester and I told him I wouldn't sleep with him if wet got pregnant again. And if that were the case, why didn't he cheat when Iwas pregnant? I don't understand men and I want to move on but I've lost myself. Everything I felt good about myself is gone. And to all you
OW out there, It will happen to you if he leaves his wife for you. Don't play yourself like a fiddle. Don't be ignorant to that idea that things will be fantastic if he wants you and no longer his wife. I can tell you that reality will set in and hum drum of life and same BS will happen. r

I don't want him to leave his wife and marry me. I didn't like being married when I did it the first time. Why would I want to do it again?!

This is not how everyone feels of course, but a majority do want more than what they have.

Omg. U WOMEN DONT GET IT!! If hes MARRIED THEN STAY THE HELL AWAY!!! Yall are a big reason they cheat. Women flirt and flirt. And like the idea that a married man is in to her! 90% chance is hes only in to you because u put out! Most men cheat bc of sex! Point blank! I have been on both sides! When I was younger i slept with a man who was married! But I'm older and married myself, and it FCKN hurts bad if your spouse cheats on u! Keep in mind all of you CARMA IS A *****! If u sleep around with a married man. Then one day after u r married, ur husband will cheat on u then u will realize how dumb u were wen u was sleeping with a married man. U will feel so sorry for the wife of the Man U slept around with!! THERE IS A REASON ITS CALLED MARRIAGE!!! Bc WEN U GET MARRIED IT A MAN AND A WOMEN THAT PROMISE EACH OTHER TO STAY WIT EACH OTHER TIL THEY DIE AND NEVER CHEAT AND STICK BY THEM FOREVER THRU WHATEVER! That means KEEP UR HAND OFF AND UR BODY OFF!!! It means STAY AS FAR AWAY AS POSSIBLE! IT MEAN OFF LIMITS!!!! if tere weren't so many ****** in this world there wouldn't be that many men cheating!!

Such language! Don't blame the other women for your man being a dog.

Ur right I'm sorry for the language

Btw wen i was 17 and had the affair with a married man. I didnt know if was married with two kids until his wife came to my house and talked to me. I got called some bad names when I had no idea about the wife, when I did find out it was over! Yes my heart was broke bad. I thought we were in love. So I'm not judging women who didnt know about him being married, however when u found out u left, bc if u didnt then ur the kind i do judge. Trust me. If u were married like i am for 7 years now and ur husband cheats physically or emotionally you then will realize EXACTLY HOW BAD IT HURTS AND TEARS UR INSIDES OUT AND UR HEART IS IN BILLIONS OF PIECES, u cant sleep eat, all u wanna do is cry, U DONT KNOW WHAT ELSE TO DO, ur AT A CROSS ROADS, especially IF U HAVE CHILDREN WITH UR HUBAND LIKE I DO!!
TRUST ME WOMEN CARMA IS REAL AND IF U HAVE AN AFFAIR WITH A MARRIED MAN THEN ONE DAY U WILL HAVE TO EXPERIENCE THE PAIN THE WIFE HAD TO GO THRU!

Honey sorry your hurt and angry but all of us women r in this together as more times than not we all r falling for the lies on both ends. Lets not degrade each other when some MM are doing such a job!

Thank you. And I understand that. There are a lot of women they don't know that their boyfriend is married, and I don't think bad of them bc I was in that spot before. But I don't care who hates me for this or not, I will always believe and I know I am right, that NO woman should go after a married man. Even if he is telling her everything she wants to hear. Yes HES A JERK. But the OW needs to realize that she isn't the only one that's dealing with this. THE WIFE IS DEALING WITH WAY MORE THAN THE OW. you all may disagree but u will agree one day if you find yourself in the wife's shoes. I know the OW will be hurt and have a lot of pain. BUT the wife is in way way more pain than the OW(unless the wife is also cheating or she doesn't love her husband) but if she's like me and she adores her husband more than her own life then she will deal with way more. The OW will eventually get over it and find someone knew, the wife however WILL NEVER get over it. Marriage is much much more than just dating someone. Boyfriends come and go, but a marriage is suppose to last a lifetime. I am still with my husband, and it's been 3 years since I read emails and found out a bunch of crap he was doing. I'm on here now bc I'm scared he's talking to someone again, but I'm not sure. The thing is I KNOW THAT HE LOVES ME. And no I'm not being naive. I know for a fact he loves me, but he has a lot of deep issues from his childhood. His dad use was a full time preacher but very abusive behind closed doors, his mom finally had enough and divorced him and then got cancer and died when my husband was 17 years old. A deacon of the church sexually abused him when he was a very small boy. He has been through a lot.
Four months after I found out about what he did my 4 year old daughter died in a car accident we got in. She was his step daughter, but he was in her life when she was 2 months old. He was more of a father than her biological father. I, myself have been thru hell and back. So my heart was crushed when I found out what all he did then my first child died in my arms. I can't take anymore hurt OR ILL HAVE TO B ADMITTED INTO A MENTAL INSTITUTE.. Here in past couple weeks he's been showing signs of cheating so I'm extremely worried. And when I got on here and started reading some of the comments I got pissed. Bc men are mostly all about sex. But women can be so conniving, manipulative, sneaky and ect. I know bc I'm a woman and I know how women think. And I don't care if it's the presidents wife, no woman period has any business messin around with a married man.. And I meant what I said about carma bc I experienced it.. When my husband did all that I emailed the woman that's married to the man I slept with years ago and apologized a billion times and told her what happened to me, she replied back and said I'm glad it happened to you, she said nothing personal and I'm not being mean, but I'm glad you get to feel the pain I felt. And she was totally right. The OW thinks they have it bad but they don't.. The wives got it bad, as wives we have to worry about our new house we built together, our children WE MADE TOGETHER, our life we made together, our family that now has to be broken apart, our future was set but now we feel we don't have a future. Bc this isn't just a boyfriend that broke up with us, this is our husband that betrayed us and our trust. We will NEVER b able to trust him again or any man for that matter. I stayed with my husband and I promise you that It takes YEARS to fully get over it. And I will NEVER b able to forget

it call adultery,,,, left the man up stair handle it ,,,their a place he make ,,,,,

If a man wants to cheat, HE WILL! There is nothing anyone can do about it. You can not control another person. Yes it hurts, but you now have a choice. You can stay and put up with it or you can move on and find your happiness. Only you can make that choice.

I kno but Idk which choice I should make. My 1st child that died 3 years ago I had when I was 19. Her father wantd 2b n her life. So we did the evry other weekend thing &even tho I miss her terribly bad, its best for her in heaven Bc poor baby had suffered a lot goin back & forth. It was very confusing 2her. It caused many problems. So I dont want 2put my other two children through same thing shayna went through. My daughter Gracie's 5 and my son Brody's 2 &even tho they both are a huge momma's baby they also love their daddy very much. I must add that 3 yrs ago I left my husband aftr I found out what he did. I divorced him, we stayed divorced for 6 months. My brothers a lawyer so I had our divorce finalized one month after I kicked him out. During those 6 months we stayed in contact, I had dated a couple guys & he slept w/a few girls but actually dated one. The entire time he was dating her he kept texting me, driving me crazy, sending me flowers.( we slept 2gthr a couple time 2.)He did everything then that he shouldve done in our marriage. I was still so in love w/him & I kno he loved me then & loves me now. We remarried right after my daughter passed away. & been together ever since. My problem now is Ive seen a cpl signs of him cheating r talkn 2 sum1. Idk for a fact but I do suspect hes doin sumthn wrong. &even tho its been 3 yrs since he did anythn I still cant fully trust him or what he says. I askd him today bc he's all of a sudden questioning me & askin who I'm texting evry time I grab my phone (wen I wont b even textin period). He's made a couple comments like you better not be meeting no guy during the day. Or stupid crap like that. I asked him y is he actin like this all of a sudden, I havent givin him any kind of reason 2think I'm cheating. Then a flag went up wen he startd acting like he wantd 2 have sex w/me. Our first 3 yrs of marriage we had sex everyday sumtimes twice a day, but since then we do it once or twice a week. Which is not my fault. Hes always too tired.& I kno he's not lyin bout that, he really is tired. So I got use 2 him not tryin 2have sex but 2-3 times a week. &in this last week hes been wanting sex a lot. So after I asked him bout cheating we got in a small argument & he says "trust me I am not cheating, I wouldn't be with you if i was." But The way he said it sounded kinda offensive so it hurt my feelings. But then I cant help but wonder if he sayin that bc he knows he's guilty or he actually means what he said & is he questioning me bc he has a guilty conscious or just bein stupid!!! So I can't just jump up & leave until I kno the 100% truth but idk how 2find out 100% truth. I can go 2his job but can't go any further than the Parkin lot & I hav 2 kids so I can't go spy on him. I know this has nothin 2do w/ur aticle, but maybe sum1 can help give advice. Especially since there's a lot of women on here that are or was the mistress.

All I can say is go with your gut feeling. It is NEVER wrong. The truth will eventually come out.

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I don't know how many times all of us have asked you stephaniebis to refrain from posting negative comments. THIS IS A SUPPORT GROUP! We understand your point of view.

Oh gosh TT! I just flagged her again! I can't believe she's still on such a rampage.

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I'm new and I'm not really sure why I'm posting. I found this site on the hunt for...something..on the internet. I've never thought of myself as a home wrecker or a *****, but I guess I am the ow. Sort of. I met a man last year through work and we went out one night on business and had a blast. As in a mind blowing connection with someone. Nothing happened, but a quick drink for networking purposes turned into six hours with us both commenting that it was a weird old night and that we got on great and blimey wasn't that like a first date. I knew he was married with kids and I knew there was no intent in it but it knocked me sideways. Conscious of our work connection I didn't want to embarrass myself by doing anything, that was last night, today was a new day so if leave it be. He invited me for breakfast which I couldn't make and I knew he was due to leave the country at the end of the day. Yes, he lives 6000 miles away from me too.. We exchanged a few emails throughout the day just light chat but agreed we'd meet to say bye. Again nothing happened except he said he felt confused he was married and shouldn't be feeling like this, whatever this was, and didn't want to leave. We'd agreed this whole thing was weird and a little overwhelming. I left and yes, in true movie fashion, with the train signalman blowing his whistle, he kissed me and I hopped on the train. I cried stupidly after that totally overwhelmed by what had happened in the last 24hours and what I was feeling - not love just a huge bond with someone - who couldn't be mine and who knew if/when I'd see again. We text lots after that, and we'd speak on the phone. Our conversations were about everything and nothing, not filthy chat etc. each time 'the situation' came up with him feeling odd; having strong feelings towards me but equally feeling as though he has crossed a line but us emailing, texting etc everyday. He had a number of melt downs in that regard where he'd be in a real state about the situation. To the point where we'd barely spoken for a couple of weeks. Then he told me he was planning a last minute trip back to see his parents. On the one night he had in the same city as me we went out, he brought up the conversation of us and our situation. In summary he was honest, he made vows he felt he should keep, he's a dad, he can't be someone that has an affair or divorces. He said if we carried on how we had been he'd fall totally in love with me. He worried if he left and we married whether he'd do the same to me, wasn't he supposed to stay and work through this. Although he would stumble by saying he's never felt this way and has not stayed or been tempted in 17years. He said what he wanted and what he had to do were two separate things. It broke my heart hearing and seeing the anguish for him. We stayed in touch although the intensity of our conversations, and frequency, fluctuates. Today we're having a cool day. I know enough to know it's not me, it's the moral dilemma he struggles with, but the consequences are the same in that I am left desperately sad. I don't really know why I'm writing this. I see some quite hateful comments on here about these men not being real men and the ow are awful ***** and things. I think people forget that many of the ow are people too that just want to be loved and sometimes we get pulled in by a fantasy, but that can happen whether a man is married or not. Surely we've all dated someone that we've believed and really hoped could be the one! I don't see myself as a home wrecker, and I don't see him as an a***hole. I've never slept with him - although find him incredibly attractive - and he has never bad mouthed his wife or blamed bad/infrequent sex. So not all mm or ow fit the mould. I doubt I'll have my happy ending but I think there are other outcomes and maybe my story shows that to some people who view cheating/being the other person etc as diabolical, it's far from black and white.
It never occurred to me that my mm may think of me in such negative light!

You do deserved to be loved, just not by a married man. I'm sorry you dealing with this, but you should've never let it get to the point of him having feelings for you or you having feelings for him. Actually no married man should ever be alone with a woman.. Except for his own mother. Bc that's when temptation sets in. Especially if he and his wife is going thru a rough spot bc then he's vulnerable. And I don't want to hurt your feelings, but if he truly thought he could be falling in love with you then he would've left his wife.its possible he didn't wanna hurt your feelings so he told you something he thought u wanted to hear. I respect him for telling you all that and saying it has to stop then again I disrespect him that he allowed it to even get to that.. I know that it's NOT just the OW's fault. I know that both are at fault, the OW and MM. And sometimes it's the wife's fault as well. We get caught up in our busy life, taking care of kids is a full time job, then keeping house clean, cooking dinner. We attend to forget how our husband needs to feel loved, needed, appreciated just like we do.. It's a hard job on both sides. But nobody said marriage is easy, bc it's hard work for both husband and wife. I'm saying all this bc a lot of men that cheat usually is rooted from the home life.and just bc he cheats doesn't mean he doesn't love his wife, actually 90% of them do still love their spouse and doesn't want to mess their marriage up. If the OW starts telling the MM that he needs to leave his wife, 1. he will either break up with her, or 2. lie to her and say he will, BUT HE KNOWS HE NEVER WILL LEAVE HIS WIFE. the wife usually has the upper hand if it were to come down to a competition on who can win his heart. I know you hurting but please put yourself in the wife's shoes. Try thinking that your married to the man that rocks ur world, u been with him for years, now as years go by u age a little & ur not as hot & fine as u use 2b. So now u have a low self esteem.. now this younger & attractive, fun woman comes along, flirts w/ur husband, she starts makin him feel he's on top of the world & if the continue 2 talk they eventually have sex. Now if u can really imagine it then you will see where I'm coming from. It's not fair to the wife that has worked hard for years on her marriage for some girl/woman to come in and take it all away or try to. Like I said every single soul on this earth deserves to find true love. But it's NOT true love if that person is married. There are billions of people on this earth. There's plenty of "SINGLE" MEN to go around. So y try to pursue a married man? I honestly don't understand it?? U know this man is married, so y would u still text & talk 2 him.. In the long run you will get hurt. And he's right if he will cheat on his wife now, he would also cheat on u if y'all were 2get 2gther.. The article above is so true. Don't be so naive. You need to block him 100% out of ur phone, emails, and ur life. And move on and find a man that's single or at least completely divorced & not just separated. The longer u wait 2shut him out the more hurt you will be. The sooner u stop it the sooner u can move on to better. I promise u will find the perfect man for you one day, just be patient. "All things good come to those who wait,,,"

Thanks for your reply. I do understand your comments although I don't agree with everything. I frequently have lunch/dinner/drinks by myself with married men, it's nothing sinister but I work In a male dominated environment and am expected to to build relationships-with everyone. So this is quite common. I haven't been in a situation like this but I've been living the same way for 11 Years so I know this is a bit different.
You're right, marriage takes work although I would also say that we never know what someone's marriage is really like. I'm "Lucky" in that I'm not spun a yarn about how terrible home life is etc but people DO change and someone that did once rock your world when you met at 20 doesn't necessarily at 40. I'm just saying that there are many different variables. I've always taken the view that a marriage cannot be broken unless it's broken already. And there is or shouldn't be, any shame in divorce. Hopefully everyone who gets married means it when they make those vows, that forever will be forever but literally no one can swear to honestly love someone forever. No one knows how we will feel next year let alone next decade. In my opinion life is not a rehearsal and if a couple have moved on to a point where those feelings are not the same anymore, no one should stay just because they made vows, nor because they had children. A parents marriage is meant to be a role model so one without love, affection, desire, respect etc is not a good example. Nor is having an affair. Sadly the vast majority of human beings will not leave a relationship, married or not, unless there is someone else. People lack the courage and, frankly, who wants to be alone? Unless it's abusive (and even then) many people chose to stay. In fact many people chose to stay when they DO meet someone else because we are scared of making a decision that changes our environment sp much. Again I say this not in the context of me, but I really don't think I am naive, we live in a world or grey and I think to say a man will never leave, a man should honour his vows etc is a bit black and white. Life is complicated. In an ideal world we'd either be able to really love forever (of course some people do ) or we'd be able to identify our feelings and do the right thing before any other man or woman became involved. Sadly we're not.

Unfortunately you are in the relationship and can't see the reality of the situation. You obviously have never been married or had a family. If you had, you would realize how self serving and uncaring your comments are. If he is married, he is taken. Respect yourself and the wife and do the right thing. Regardless of what his relationship is with his spouse, marriage is a commitment. If he chooses to have a relationship with you, or anyone else, he needs to end his marriage first. Do unto others as you would want them to do unto you. I'm sure you would not want another woman tempting your husband....Please do the right thing. Let him work out his problems in his marriage ( either way). His wife is a woman who loves her husband and has feelings just like you. The heartache you will feel making a clean break pales in comparison to the excruciating pain his wife and family will feel if you go through with this.

thats giving it straight my mm had no children, divorced his wife, and we lasted 24 yrs. He adored me but I wanted out! Next MM hid his marriage for over 1 yr. Its all just BS and no sex is worth it but its not the sex but whats missing inside that we all look for. U can only find it in urself-not a man.

your statement does not apply to me, Im not alienated from his family nor is he.. so this is not always true none of it

I state that in my story.

No problem, just wanted the ladies to know. Good stories are never broadcasted.On days spent alone I had plenty of time to write and read. Ep is not a secret from my partner. I'm simply too busy and I'm always trying to read a little here, read a little there.. it seems there isn't enough time.. Im consumed with life, work and my family.. Somehow I'm trying to make time, trying to squeeze it into my day and it's only getting worse. My time is limited but I do get the chance every so often. Although it may not seem the same as our MM making time or sending that text or email. I now look at it in the same way.

I want to be able to spend the time but for now I find myself sneaking a peek as much as possible

I am with a mm and have been for many years been cheated on over and over thn I gave him his fantisey been with another woman n bed with him but then he looks at other women who r all dressed up and wants me to look like **** he won't let me ware make up but yet he looks at other girls while I'm sitting b side him. I feel no matter wht I do I'm always n the wrong no matter wht I can't do **** right. I want out but he won't leave. I'm not happy with myself cuz of the way he treats me...

We have 7 kids together

Oh sweetie, I am so sorry. 7 kids with a MM, must be like being a single parent.

You are an idiot! That's what you get! Might as well signed up for polygamy.

What is wrong with polygamy exactly?

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Not sure what to do. Since I was 16 this man has been part of my life. We have the deepest connection. We have rekindled over the years. 16 he had a girlfriend, we went away to college -21 I was engaged, we met, 23 we met again, 29 we talked and briefly met again, 33-38 we met twice a year, at 39 we took a break as he was going through divorce, then he contacted me at 41, then it was over, then again he contacted me 2 months ago. We don't live in the same city. We grew up together. He has had a GF for 3 years, but I have always been the OW.. And yes he has been the OM. Our bond is so strong... We physically can't be together unless truly planned... This is my heart, and I don't know if it will ever be... When he reaches out I can't say no... Each time he needs to focus on his relationship I cry for days, my heart aches and then it heals up with another scar, and then he contacts me and it is ripped open again...

This is pretty much on target.

Totallytea is right I was married 29 years never cheated when wife left I knew it was over she dug to deep a hole. The same day I started looking. If the guy is really going to move on he would be separated from wife.

well this is very true I just want to mention one thing I am a Muslim snd in Islam we are allowed to have 4 wives now doesn't that make sense I can assure all men after marriage for some time start to look out because that is their nature, god created us that way and he made a solution for it not only for our own pleasure but also for the benefit of all human being, women are more than men in the world this is a fact so go figure, and it comes with condition and rule we have obey not an easy one for example we have to treat them equal in any thing and god told us it is nearly impossible but if you can do it try to treat them equal

While I am afan of the idea of polygamy and agree is leads to astronger marriage over all, I think it should ultimately be the woman's choice to say yes or no on whether or not they want to share the man who already said vows to them.

Yes if you and all parties are over 21 maybe 25 a better age are in total agreement it can work the same can besaid for 1 women & 2 or more men. It depends on the group.

**** you sudan.. is that all you learn about islam? no polygamy is not actually allowed in islam , its an act of proving god wrong if you read into quran the right way. and if it was allowed , it is definitely not for the reason that his nature loves women, it is allowed for severe cases when his wife can't bring children or too ill to be available as a wife.. if you want to tell people about islam , know what to say you *******, not something disgusting like what you said. men who don't treat women right are disrespectful of them and dehumanizing them. that's why once a cheater always a cheater, it's how they perceive women.

well first of all muslimhottie use a better word when you speack seconeded yes islam allows 4 wifes yes you r right it can be for many reason like illenes as you mentioned but it is also allowed without reason if the wife agree think about it islam allow 4 wifes so do u mean the 3 wifes should be ill or they cant bring childern !!! furthermore i never said men should cheat this is exactly why we allowed to marry 4

Another reason I am an atheist belevieing in false god or gods is so wrong. Religion was made as one person said was invented when the first con man meet the first fool. I believe it was to control the masses keep them in line so the rich and powerful can stay in power. Look where the religious leaders stayed. With the rich and powerful while the poor lived in hobles.

An atheist doesn't believe in God at all. So I'm confused bc u said its wrong to believe in false gods.. Which is true it's a sin. But how can u say what and whos a false god if ur atheist? If u know what they serve is a false god then does that mean you know who the REAL GOD is?? I do, I just wanted 2know if you do.

Your statement is totally wrong. First to say god made you this way is just an excuse. Nature makes the odds the human women has a harder time with child bearing then other animals so more are lost in child bearing. That's why there are more women then men just because usually men have higher libidos then most women they are more likely to stray. Have no idea why so many women fall for the crap you put out there.

No God did make us, now how we chose to live our life is our choice, God dont make us do the things we do. But nature didn't either. We did. How u grew up, how u were taught, how u were raised, how your parents are, all that has a huge role on how you are today.

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Hello Totallytea. What you have said is true about my situation and ive yet again ended it. Ive come here for support because I dont trust myself.

Good! don't trust yourself. Be aware of your feelings and be honest with yourself. Believe me when I tell you, you have to get out. You owe it to yourself. My story would take too many years to tell. He and I have been friends, best friends for over 20 years. We have worked together all this time. Although, I ended the affair years ago, I find myself still struggling to get free. He is still married. His kids are now grown and out of the house. Just two weeks ago, he called me to tell me that I still take his breath away. I tried to make light of it. He said "When someone who loves you tells you that you are beautiful, accept it". He almost had me for a minute. Now I find out that he moved out of his house last week. Guess what....He has a new Girlfriend. it is incredible, the effect this is having on me. It is how I felt when I first ended it. I have been crying for days. I cannot eat or sleep. I don't know why. This is horrible. My heart is breaking all over again. I have to see him every day. I cannot stand it. I believed for all these years that he loved me. I believed that we were not together, because we couldn't be. Now I know the truth. I think I always did, But, the lie is so much easier to believe. All of you that are involved with a MM, get out. Run and do not look back. Here is the truth. When a man really loves a woman, he will do anything to be with her. He will walk over fire. Do not waste another minute of your precious life on this dead end. Please, please get out.Please reply with authenticity, support, and respect

They only love themselves. I'm sorry you are going through this. We are all here for support. You already know you are way better off without him. Be glad you didn't make a huge mistake. It will get easier. xoxo

Yep so true

Too bad it took you so long to find out. Move on don't even talk to him unless the job requires it

Things have changed since my post. I have not seen this man and I don't care anymore. I am tired of him and this stupid situation. He is still sending messages and knocked on my door. the only time i responded to him was earlier this week in text. I was not nice to him and have nothing more to say. Im glad you see the truth in your situation. No more making excuses for him. No more denial. I don't know whether he was so caught up in his own problems that he failed to see the world outside. You are not plain stupid you are human. Women are different to men. I don't know who these ultra strong women are - these women who can over come their feelings or switch them off. Is that strong even? Or just plain hard? Problem for me - and you is that we took this more seriously than they did. I now know that i was allowing him to live a kind of fantasy almost like an in between life. It was at my expense and his own. He needs to face up to his problems and I need to get on with my life and so do you.

I'm so sorry. hugs

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To all other womenwho do not know there man is married I totally understand but u are bond to find out and u do not sto just tell me what gives u the right to continue to purue this married man
And what makes u think u can even call yourselfs ladies . And I really hope that what u all dish out comes back seven times over for u and him becsuse my ( not friend) it will he eill tire of u ss doon as u dnt do as he wants

The heart wants what the heart wants. Wishing ill on people is not the way to be. Try extending a helping hand instead of judging. If you can't do this then please don't post here.

To say that is why married men get away with it. Start using common sense and reasoning.

WTF?!? Why can't you crazies leave TT alone?

Whats a TT??

Oh sorry you mean totallytea

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Great article! I get so tired of the OW acting like she has some sort of insight into this man that the wife does not. The OW is a victim just like the wife. The MM will tell her lies to keep stringing her along and allows her to believe she is more special than the "frigid" wife. Let this be a lesson to any woman who is planning on being with a MM! These men do not have the capacity for real love and they are using you just like they are using their wives. Yes, I am woman and I am ANGRY FOR A REASON!!!!

I'm the wife. Everything you said is 100% accurate. The OW in my situation tormented me for months. Leaving me Facebook messages about my husband, claiming to be a friend. She even told me she was having an affair with my husband's friend. Once she was in my life and I felt comfortable with her the details of my relationship unfolded. When she found out he was in a traditional relationship (he told her we had not had sex in years) she freaked. Sent me tons of pics, even sexual ones. I have lost everything, my heart, trust, self esteem, my family. No one wins anything. Cancer, death, anything is better than this.

I am sorry that OW was such a *****! That is not always the way. Most women dont know he is married and leave when they find out. The culprits r the cheaters and the ones they do damage too r they ones to be concerned about.

lorraine - my MM told me he hadnt had sex in 2 years. He probably would have said longer than 2 if he could but they had a 16 month old baby. Its hard for me to hate him though because he just drew me in.. I guess your husbands OW fell for his BS

I am so sorry. You should not have to suffer this way. I never felt good about my affair. I was never proud of it. It was wrong. I know that. I owe his wife and all wives an apology!! He and I started as friends. I believed that we had fallen in love and it was special. It was not. It was wrong. The only person who hasn't been hurt is him.

Ladies, I am 61 yrs young. I married at 19 and had 7 sons. After 16 yrs I divorced. Something was missing and I always felt very alone. I met a younger man and soon found out he was married. We were off and on for 3 yrs then he divorced and after another 7 yrs we were married. He never had children and welcomed mine. He was a loving husband and wonderful to my sons and widowed mother. Somewhere along the way, I lost my love for him and in looking back I realize I always thought I was in love for all the wrong reasons. Well last year I met a younger man on fb and proceeded slowly and with no intent of anything more than a friendship. After all, he lives several hours away. But life is funny and the emotional attachment seemed to be for all the right reasons. I let myself believe that this was finally the one true love of my life. He sent me a plane ticket and I had a wonderful weekend but I could see we werent on the same page but he continued to text and call and seemed to being falling for me. He got cancer, he had a transplant and then I discovered-HE HAS A WIFE! I was devastated. When confronted he broke it off like I was a stalker and crazy. Sure, he was embarassed I found out. I texted the wife with my apology telling her I didnt know. Then he was horrible and cruel. Said I was out and that she was always in. Said he played me and I was gullible. Degraded my looks and love making. I didnt listen to that knowing that wasnt what he thought. Told him no hard feelings-just who he was. All he kept saying was fu. What is wrong here. I am no saint. I made my sins but never behaved in such a way! Meanwhile my husband found out and divorced me! Karma is a *****!

On the plus side Mom7 you still got a younger man interested in you married or not married that must be good to know at 60 you are attractive to younger men!! All that insulting stuff he says was for the benefit of his wifes ears..

meanwhile, this week he sent me not one but 2 apologies by email. Guess that relieves his guilt!!!!!!! Cant stop the bleeding with a bandaid! SMH

Why do these men think that words are enough?? At least you can see through him.. He does not deserve you love.

so to update-I became friends with a friend of his that lives in another state. He doesnt know this. Just as I plan to go visit this friend, he now wants to see me again. Im being smarter this time. I will see him but will see others also. I wont be exclusive with my time though my heart still is. THEN WHAT HAPPENS...HAPPENS!

Yep karma is a *****. You where mad at him for being married and you was too

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I like your candid confessions & the simplicity in your writing is so great!!

Thank you.

I have been the one cheated on and I have been the one doing the cheating. Not proud but **** happens and it doesnt mean either are bad people. Every situation is different and no one should judge but look at each situation for what it is. People do marry for the wrong reasons and find love unexpectedly. I am 61 and never did either without a heavy heart!

Now this is the best comment on here just because someone got Married doesn't mean they were meant to be married sometimes that's not the person God intended for that person to marry anyway and without God in a marriage it sucks

It doesn't matter if God intended u to be with him/her! Once u say i do THEN THATS THE PERSON GOD INTENDs u to b with. Bc GOD HATES DIVORCE. MORE THAN THAT HE HATES CHEATING!!

I was the other woman for 15 months only more emotional than physical since we lived hours apart. when i started to figure out he was married though he always adamently denied it, i started to pull back. then he had a liver transplant and texted he was suffering. i thought he meant physically. anyhow he got mad when i questioned him about something i saw on fb and called me a stalker and said goodbye. i texted the wife an apology. he then degraded and tore me to shreds and said he used me and i was gullible. i wished him well and told him no hard feelings-its just who he is. he said fu and threatened harassment charges. no word since but i shut off my cell and blocked him. this all happened christmas week.

Problems with the liver make people angry. It isn't an excuse - more of a reason. Maybe he didn't need a text to his wife from you. Whatever.

Problems with the liver make people angry??? please explain?

It's very well known. The liver is a vital organ and when that is not functioning well, people get angry. For example, when you have the flu, are you at your sunniest?

I see with each post I add more detail. I am doing my best and this is a great outlet. I know I deserve to be a Queen. I thought he was my King. Is it too much to expect a grown man and father who survived Sept. 11 and was 2 yrs sober and beat cancer twice, and survived a liver transplant, would have taken a long hard look at our purpose is here in this life and that he was honest, loyal, devoted, integrity, RESPECT. I dont ask anything but u treat me as I treat u. This seems to be my path with men-teach them to be all they r meant to be and then its over whether my choice or theirs. I need some TLC.

Ya would of thought that those events would cause someone to re evaluate life wouldnt ya..

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Wow.... That is so so true. I was the OW for 3 year and he promised me everything. He was 'leaving' her 4 times. It all came out in the open and the sh!t really did hit the fan. He has been nothing but horrible to me, he doesn't live with his wife now but sees her on a daily basis, has 2 teenagers who despise me, I am the sworn enemy and I don't blame the wife or kids at all I really don't. I am struggling really badly with it all, 7month down the line. I am struggling with all the lies he told me etc. He tells you what he thinks you want to hear and we fall for it, like we're hypnotised or something!
I am in so much pain and I believe this to be gods way if punishing me. I am not looking for sympathy as I know I am in the wring but I just wanted to get this off my chest.