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A Letter From The Other Woman

You are the one he’s lived with for a very long time. I have known him for three years.
You are the one who wakes up to his familiar face each and every day and you give him a peck on the cheek. I gaze into his deep brown eyes and run my hands through his slightly graying dark hair as I passionately kiss him.
You are the one he hands the credit card on Saturday morning. He calls you Milady as you walk out the door for an afternoon of shopping. I meet him on Saturday afternoon. I handle every inch of his body in every way. He calls me a Goddess.
You are the one who was not in the mood. When we meet, we will urgently ***** or slowly disrobe each other depending on our mood.
You are the one who nags him about the Honey-Do List. I scream, “Honey do that again as his hands, fingers and tongue do everything I dream about.
I know if you saw me you would wonder what he saw in me. But deep down we both know it has nothing to do with my looks but everything to do with how I make him feel. For these few hours, I let him know he is the one!
Kelki Kelki 46-50, F 103 Responses Oct 12, 2011

Your Response


I'm sorry to say this, but the majority of these letters I read have the "other woman" expressing something negative about herself or some type of insecurity while, at the same time she defends her right to love a married man. For example, you end your letter with "if you saw me you would wonder what he saw in me...deep down it has nothing to do with looks" That's kind of sad, because you should be saying, you have something to offer him and that you connect with him in a loving way. As long as you see yourself as "less than" in your eyes, how can you be "more than" in his eyes?

That's not necessarily true...I already connect with him in way she can't. I'm not better than she, just different. Fortunately, she is happy without sex....this may be her ideal marriage but as he says,"I had to do something!" I believe there is a special bond between two people whom get to feel intimacy again. My last statement was meant to put us at the same level just different paths.

i dont understand why folks dont understand. there is simply different needs and ways each need - that draws people to each other. most men begin affairs because another woman takes an interest in them, listens and cares - there is almost two different relationships with a wife and another woman - that both fulfill what he needs.

They also assume I believe I am superior to her....I honestly don't know her! I only know she doesn't want that part of him that I find totally irresistible. It works for both of us...He fulfills my needs too.

I agree.. I was once the wife now I'm the other woman

Hi there i would love to hear more on your thoughts about this....

Have you had an affair?

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So she is the one with the credit card and the one he goes home to everynight and your the girl he sneakes around with on the side. She is the one he will never leave and your the one who will always be the piece on the side. Boy you really showed her !!!

Wow! It's not a contest...she could have that part of him and would rather just have a credit card. We all do what makes our lives happier...

Do you feel the need to make the wife wrong? Why compete with her by comparing yourself, if you are happy with what you have? Don't make the wife the problem just because her husband is cheating. You don't know their true situation.

I think you missed point! I'm not comparing us personally... It's a comparison of people's priorities and the choices made...

Don't waste your time...She doesn't get it. Besides what you wrote there were so many other issues I thought would hit a cord with her and all of them failed miserably. It was my optimism in thinking that many are not as callous as they present themselves and only after some insight would see the error of their ways....NOT here. :(

Oh gosh,I certainly hope you find happiness soon! Your mission in life should not be to coerce others to see the error of their ways in this group. From what you told me...You have your own obstacles to overcome... Be happy!!

My reply was not meant towards I have learned that my optimism does not apply to all. No worries. But just to clarify...My reasons for disputing with you oh so long ago- was NOT to coerce you into changing your life/actions (although I had hoped that would be one of the results), but to humanize the wife and all other wives out there and point out the callousness of your story and comments. Although I allowed my emotions to get the best of me at times...I'm sure it was not that difficult to decipher that my intention was to make YOU (and all "other women" out there) not feel so justified, comfortable and at ease with such a display of superiority and downright cruelty. Myself and others included, realize that in our attempts to do so..we acted as justified and cruel as you...My bad.

Well said. You have about. I understand the point you were making. Obviously the one you intended it for didn't.

Scagman...Please consider adding me to circle of friends or at least the ability to message you. Appreciate your honesty and intelligence.

I have read your other story about a sexless marrage. I am not saying to.accept that situation. If you decide to cheat.that is your business. There are so.many single guys out there that.would Why backstab another married person who is supposibly miserable ? He hates his wife etc but action speaks louder than words. If you already have one man that does not value you why get a guy who will treat you as a piece on the side ? A single guy hurts no one and he can be your guy on the side.

And....once again...neither of you knows my entire story since I've never disclosed it on here. I wrote the above story in the form I did for the sake of helping others get a different perspective and not see the OW or OM as evil....

BTW, where did I say he hates his wife...

But yet you continue to interpret my story through your eyes only... I honestly have never considered his wife less than...I don't even want her life. I know the things that are important in her relationship she's getting...he's not! I'm not in mine either... People move on different paths in the journey of life... Frankly, I don't know everything about you...and you certainly cannot even begin to realize why I chose to spend time with him. However,I'm not going to block you or otherwise....because I believe you are an intelligent,interesting person whose life circumstances somehow compelled you to become judgemental... That's totally your right! But...since it's my story I will respond accordingly to my own perceptions...

I would expect nothing less from an adult. I have never threatened you in any way and although I believe you have the right to block me or anyone else for that matter, if you so wanted, for any reason- glad that you didn't. In closing (as a suspect you are tired of the back and forth), I will say that as much as anything that comes from my mouth is through my eyes...It is far more than personal experience provoking my words and opinions than you are willing to accept. Yes, "through my eyes" indeed, but as much if not more as a result of values in general than from personal experience. I say that with thought processes that precede whatever situation may have contributed to some of my passionate replies. Despite the fact that I am sure my mere acknowledgement of a personal connection is what you feel motivates my opinions and makes you feel that these are just words of a scorned partner. If that were the case...I wouldn't have offered the honesty I present...because as you said..This is not a contest...had it been, I would have presented a case I could win rather than a plea for others to see that common courtesy, decency and respect is far too important to reason away.

However,I'm not "her"! I'm a made up name on a website in a group dedicated to supporting Other Women in all different types of circumstances. I understand that this issue takes up a lot of space in your brain for some reason... I'm not assuming anything but I'm not looking for approval or your respect or a win.... just an interesting conversation on story which ,by all means, I meant to open doors of controversy on....It's a controversial subject! If you want to believe I'm not decent or respectful or respected or courteous then you could go to another group where everyone agrees with you...

Point taken. Clearly a topic for debate and NOT something I considered for a moment that you were looking for my approval-- Nor is my disapproval a point that was of utmost importance to me, but clearly a result of expressing my opinions. Truth be told, the manner in which you have replied has not been devoid of common courtesy or decency, despite my continued opinion that your story should have been written in a manner which expressed the decency you claim to and that I surmise you posses.

Soooooo...what is your intention?? All people whom chose affairs should be burned at the stake....All those contributing their stories to this experience are not decent and thus banned from EP.... For all I know,I might even have more in common with his wife than just her husband... Life is complex...

Absolutely not...Have I actually been that vague as to suggest so??? I have blocked or deleted few (if any) and surely NOT as a result of a difference in matter how steadfast they have presented themselves. Surprisingly, I find it difficult with all that has already been said, to summarize and reply to this last question other than to say that expressing ones opinion is NOT reason enough to ban or least by my standards. Life is complex and often times decent people present opinions and express themselves in manners that contradict what others (including myself-on both ends of the spectrum) would consider decent and kind. What else can I say without reiterating words already spoken other than to say that I feel that your original story (at the least) was expressed in a manner devoid of the decent qualities I think a fellow woman and/or spouse would have expressed had they accepted the fact that they may have been basing their opinion on the load that was presented to them by the deceitful man as much as all of us may have been basing our opinions upon either what we thought or influenced by our personal situation.

For all you know we may be in open marriages... I,however,love evoking emotional responses from people! I am always surprised how each person who reads and comments has such strong reactions... and interprets it differently. I argue that there are simply not two ends of the spectrum but just a lot in between...

It has been a while since I was in the midst of the "back and forth" of the story and as such can only base my retort upon what little or recent I have read, but based on that, say that it seems to be an "either/or" situation and matter of opinion. Open marriages are only truly "open marriages" when ALL participants are in agreement and accepting of the terms of the "open marriage".... Not what I gathered from your original story and something I referred to in one of my long ago comments that was not addressed as such then. In addition, I think that the mere expression of words (even under that sort of agreement) that YOU expressed was NOT done in a manner that expressed the respect and decency you strive to prove that you have and very may well have...but your expression did NOT.

I still don't understand what your interest in this story is... or your intention for continuing to respond.... You have already remarked my opinions and actions are indecent. As for the way I expressed myself in the story...C'mon I know it gets attention for the last 3 years because of the way it's written. If I wrote it without comparing the two extremes no one would continue to read it... It doesn't even matter if it's true...I wrote from an unpopular perspective so thus it seems I should be attacked. My goal is simply to help people think about the relationships they are in... married or single... I hope everyone has a someone to fulfill them in all the ways I mentioned.

My interest in the story??? It is obvious or so I thought. Unfortunately what is obvious has been replaced for MY sole reason and purpose AND of YOURS and OTHERS justification and acceptance of what should NOT. I am well aware of the attention you received (more than any other story I have read) but cannot fathom a situation where I would place myself in a position to provoke thought processes at the expense of complete honesty and a truthful expression of my true self. Regardless of whether the story was true and if YOU were/are the other woman...I still have a problem with what you said. Read it again...Can you really not see the callousness in which you provoked this debate? Would it had had that much less of a response had you said in a less demeaning way or added a line or two about how it may be as simple as the relationship between you and him being nothing more than something devious or new that taps into his need for adventure, but not necessarily that you provided something that she was unwilling or incapable of? The fact that you couldn't entertain all the possibilities that don't make you look like his savior is obnoxious and conceited.

You know I've been replying to comments such as yours for years now... You're not saying anything new! I still wonder why you keep harping on my story... So your answer is NO! I'm not a malicious other woman...there's no callousness intended. It's about what you read into it... I never used words like savior... He fulfills a need! We fulfill each other's needs. After nearly 7 years in this affair we adore each other. If we are conceited and obnoxious so be it...but trust me...after this long it's much more than just a thrill for us. We understand,care for and love each other... In case you haven't noticed this is the internet... full of opportunities for thought provoking debates. I enjoy making people such as yourself squirm....

Squirm I am not and have not. That is something I reserve for and rarely occurs for anyone other than my husband. Forgive my naivete in thinking that your story was real and honest and that your expression of otherwise is merely an attempt to mitigate your culpability. Your selfishness is clear and seen by all those that are NOT in the same situation as you voluntarily have put yourself into. Thought provoking indeed, as well as obnoxious, selfish, cruel and say the least. Forgive me for or I forgive myself for continuing to react to your provoking intended. Job well done but pathetic as well.

Please feel free to obsess over this story! May it haunt you for a long time to come! As for disclosing anything of a personal nature...on a website that reeks of trolls,armchair psychologists and doomsayers... you've got to be kidding! The story is written as such for a reason...

I'm curious why the only replies you continue to respond to are the ones that express their dislike, disappointment and anger towards you and the wording of the story and/or the knowledge of your actions chosen (being the other woman). I enjoy expressing my opinion and reading the replies of the poster and others as much. Often times people misinterpret others words and my own, so I entertain the idea that I can enlighten others as they can enlighten me. I'm not obsessing over your story and if not for the recent notification that someone new had responded to your story; I wouldn't have responded. Keep in mind that I was merely trying to make connections with like-minded people and I thought referring to my experience responding to you way back then and my opinion that his response was falling on deaf ears... thought it was a great place to start. I am not a troll, armchair psychologist nor a doomsayer but a women who tries not to be judgmental unless I feel strongly that I am not merely standing in judgment of a difference in opinion, but of the basic lack of traits like honesty, respect, kindness and empathy and the expression of traits like conceit, arrogance, narcissism and selfishness. Your story will not haunt me but unfortunately does reassure me that some are too proud to admit the error of your ways...and that is not limited to the actions you have chosen but includes the callousness in which you stand behind them and use others and their reason for disagreeing as cause to disregard any valuable insight you could gain if you stopped for a moment and actually saw the whole picture.

Ohhh! So you are trying to enlighten me... by telling me I'm narcissistic and selfish based on a story written in a form like this...It's written purposely to get people to think about their relationships, married or not... Error of my ways... You just don't agree with my ways. If you continue to choose to reply, IMO, (and a others will agree) that is obsession and it definitely looks and smells like a troll. Don't consider that an invitation to reply! But I choose to reply to everyone who posts on MY STORY!

I applaud you for reading this entire post, its been here since 2011. Many of the people whom I don't reply to are my EP friends...we communicate via personal messages. They heart my comments <3

I heart most of your comments, simply cause you are the one making them.

Thanks're a sweetheart!!

Birds of a feather. Happy for you both.

Not to rain on your parade with facts or anything but you might want to look up me and my story before saying anything about me. I am not married, divorced in fact, and my affair with a married man ended more than 3 years ago. I deeply regret my own actions but don't have enough hubris to think I understand or know enough about anyone else's life experiences in order to judge them. I made what turned out to be really bad decisions, but I am me, not anyone else and don't feel I can speak for or on behalf of anyone else. I certainly can't lump anyone together arbitrarily to further my own angry agenda.

She's also the one who dont have to deal with him..n when she gets tired of him..she can simply send him on his way

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As someone who has been on both sides of this, the cheated and the cheater, I have mixed feelings about it. I understand why you feel so triumphant over his wife and yet unless you were in her shoes you truly don't know why their relationship is bad. It's easy to be the one he leans on and tells his troubles to and fulfills his fantasies when you are not in a living together situation. I know the feeling of loving someone so much and not understanding how the other woman (for you, that is his wife or S/O) fails to see and appreciate what she has. But you don't really know, do you? You are ready to believe anything he tells you. But I'm sure there's another side to it.

But I don't mean to be harsh or judgmental. Far from it. I have, as I said earlier, been on both sides of the fence. Sadly, it isn't easy to love another person for a lifetime and some of us were never meant to be together, and others change and grow apart from each other. We have to cherish what we have and remember what we loved in each other to keep love alive. It's not always easy in real life vs dating or affairs. Affairs rekindle the spark of what it was to feel loved completely and adored and most important of all desired. I think that is what compels people to cheat even though they may still love the person they are with. It could happen to you, so I guess what I am saying is, don't gloat over it!

I suggest you read my replies to others on this story before commenting any more. This is far from is more of about people whom are at different places in life.

Wow you girls sound like fun I wish i could use my hand my tongue and fingers I bet you smell good, Cheating is fun as long as your doing the cheating.

You are in your late 50s and you view women in that way? Are you not ashamed of yourself?

Today I told him he was my Roarrrrr! My man my lover my all.. what does he see in me he sees a reflection of him self.. he sees how he deserves he needs to feel.. he sees what it is to be wanted, cherished and adored.. today he feels like the king he is suppose to be... Roarrrr!!

This is very true. how you make him feel - Like a vital man again

The roarrrr is only getting better.. I might have to say meow soon lol

U ought to c about getting it published in Cosmo or somewhere ;)

Really! Do you think it's that good?


Wow! Nicely written:) I do like your writings!:)

Thank you Bella!

the biggest reason of cheating is not for sex - its for human contact and communication.. so, while you may make him feel that way - maybe he shut his wife out, or she shut him out - but sex is usually the last part of the affair, being made to feel special and feeling like someone cares, is how it starts. Who knows, maybe he shut her out and for the last 3 years, the yard guy has been taking care of the wife's needs.

I did notice that the emotional effect sex had on him was more powerful than the psysical act. I dont know what he thought about me but I know he wanted me to love him. My opinion on his work was important to him too. Im sure if it really was about the act he would have visited a prostitute for 5 minutes.

I don't come here to judge , For the multitudes that could be this couple ,there are as many reasons . Any who have spent any time on this site know that the biggest group is a sexless marriage, Hell it is the reason most of us come here, I left mine ,with out straying, but I had no kids or other things to consider,not so for a large amount of those here. So don't judge before you walk in some one else's shoes ,If you live in a marriage with out affection and love, who knows what you would do .

Well reading this story for a person who has never married nor been the other woman. Please don't take this as an offence but it is pretty upsetting the story. It sounds like two women somewhat competing for a mans attention, just one man. There are plenty of men out there that can love and care for you just as much, you wouldn't be that woman who just picks up the phone and by the click of his fingers your there.

Yet, the man is dishonest to his wife, pretending everything is ok but struggles to vent his real thoughts. It's not just about the sex life to one individual, there are many reasons why one who would seek attention from two beautiful women. It could be just purely greed, some men but not all, like to have more then one woman because they feel in control, powerful and just strong having more then one woman, a confidence booster. In the olden days in Asia, the more successful the man was, the more wives and mistresses he had living under one roof.

Why is he married? Who knows?
It could very well be his wife is nagging, but have you asked her? There are two sides to a book, not just one.

For the sexual fulfilment, you could very much be great at sex but just to be that fill in gap. But ask yourself, is that all you want? You are more then that and you know that.

I hope things work out for the way you want them to be. :)

I hope things work out for you in what you desire but take care of yourself.

Oh! I also would like to point out,

Your not a bad woman, nor is he neither is his wife.

There are always reasons why someone acts a certain why.

Depression (this can be caused naturally with the chemicals in the brain and not always by problems at home,) anxiety, greed, insecurities etc etc. The list goes on.

But for now and here, you gotta look after your best interests in heart.

Not just the olden days in ASIA. There are still Polygamous Arrangements all over the world. Difference is that they aren't legally married. Their are growing number of Polyandrous (sic) arrangements too. It all depends on Culture.

Very good point :) I really sound like my mum 0_o lol

I saw a tv show about polygamy in England on the next channel was women in ASIA choosing to live Western lifestyles.. how is that for culture swaps..

I am in a poly relationship...or in the beginnings of one in that we are actively seeking to add people into our dynamic.

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you shouldn't be so proud of yourself ... find your own man

You know what? You do not know my story. You have no intention of providing any sort of support or useful advice so please do not comment on my posts. I wrote this to help people reflect on their own relationships which happen to include marriage.

I like this answer :) I totally understand what u mean :) it is an awesome post :)

Here we go again

Yes, sometimes that is the case

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She was the other woman and I was the other man. It was so good while it lasted. It reminded me that; Yes, I am alive.

Yeah mine reminded me that i was still alive too..

I am the other woman too so I can totally relate 2 this post :) I agree w/what Idylvr wrote in his comment :) this is beautifully written & 100% true :D we r not bad women just b cuz we r w/married men ;) if the wives paid attention 2 their husbands desires/fantasies/needs they wouldn't feel the need 2 look for another woman :) ur husbands get bored & lonely when u neglect them :( make ur husband ur first priority in life :) he should be #1 on ur "Honey-Do List"

Thank you. I wish my wife would actually pay any attention to me other than to ask for money or nag. I try very hard to provide for her and the kids. We are not rich, but we are not destitute. I guess I\'m just not good enough for her any more.

Zaap...I know. I was in the same shoes. She just *Gave up!* . I sure as Hell tried to make things right.

Thanks, mate. It's nice to know I'm not the only one who feels that way.

Beautifully written Kelki, if the wife had given him the attention, love and affection he needs he would not be lingering with someone else for an afternoon of nurturing.

I love it when someone gets this story!! I wanted the post to spark controversy and help couples think about becoming more like another woman or another man. Thank you Idylvr!

What about being willing to accept the love and affection he needs to be able to give? There are guys out there who need to have an opportunity to be affectionate. I'm not talking about sex here. I'm just talking about holding hands or cuddling or a hug or something. Some physical contact other than pushing me to the other side of the bed when I'm already asleep because she wants more room than just half of the bed.

I've read the comments on this story and so many people are so QUICK to call the OW a home wrecker, and their husbands are liars to the OW, blah blah blah. LOL guess what? The OW isn't having sex by herself. Your husbands are enjoying themselves with the person that THEY have decided to have an affair with and yes they lie to their wives continuously in order to maintain their affair. The wives club think they have an upper hand and claim the OW is second best when in reality, the wives are also, only second best.

If you had read my comments or my story, you would know that I don't judge a lot. And I 'm not the "upper class", but I really prefer single men. For many different reasons. And maybe you want to read al hear stories and make your own view. Braging about swallowing, etc... - my good ???? What kind of skill is that? Is it ( to her) precondition for keeping a husband, or what.....?And I really try to understand........And to kelki - yes, I still have a spouse...I just dont want rude people.

I can barely decipher this response... Are you talking to me,about me, or slamming my sexual preferences. Please proofread to make your responses more readable.

There are people who are more liberal and some more conservative. I do have fun talking about sex with other adults on an anonymous site. I do not think that is inappropriate. I also write about how much I love chocolate.... Sweetie, if you believe it is rude to talk about sexual topics, you can enable a block so you are not exposed. Is that your complaint?

It looks like the author of this article gets a lot of your attention. This is exactly what she want's - as all unhappy people.

Actually, I see the postings of controversial stories such as the above - and throught EP - are not for attention seeking, but more for a fertile ground for sparking spirited discussions. If you think that people who post articles on controversial topics are only doing so to seek attention, then ANY author of ANY controversial topic (abortion, religion, global warming, politics, poverty, racism, etc.) in any venue would be deemed as "attention seeking" by your statement. And that the authors are all unhappy.

Hey KK,
You can write to me directly, I can take it. Trust me.... I am not unhappy for one second of my life.

Of course I am.

I am a married woman, to a man that is as superficially aroused as I suspect yours is. He loves me, as I suspect he loves his wife. He supports me, as I suspect he does for his wife. He has chosen me to bear his children, which I suspect he has done or be more desirable in doing, with his wife. Our conversations vary from finances and work, to family and bodily functions, I suspect yours is limited to the superficial, sexual or any other issue that makes you think that you are important to him, so he can get his rocks off next Saturday. You are both selfish and superficial AND from how you expressed yourself here....ALSO, callous and egotistical. Oh did I mention he's doing your neighbor too?

You couldn't be more wrong. I'm sad for you.

You seem to suspect a lot. Your post suggests your husband has found someone to satisfy him in a way you won't....

My relationship is troubled, Yes...and I failed miserably at my attempt to mimic the writing style of the story. It was confusing, to say the least...Granted. I made a mistake in thinking I had the skill and finesse to
articulate the same amount of indignities upon the "other woman" that was expelled towards the "wife" in the story. The story was nothing less than an arrogant display of insensitivity and cruelty and was deserving of the same in return. As far as the specifics of my claims...I suspected did the writer (Highly doubtful that she (OW) is privy to every and all interactions between him (MM) and his wife). If no one is to call the "other woman" out about her assumptions/beliefs, than don't make it an issue when I express mine. I also truly believe that if a man looks elsewhere for MORE than just sex, and finds it....He would leave his wife and we wouldn't be having this discussion. (Even if the "other woman" didn't want him to). The mere fact that he knows that ALL his needs CAN actually be met elsewhere by someone else, is the kick in the *** he needs to convince himself to leave. The fact that many of you are unwilling to accept that it is dishonest, uncaring and selfish to consider hooking up with a married man/woman is the fundamental problem. You can say..."the heart wants, what the heart wants", but you try like hell to squash those feelings and if you cannot...You certainly don't belittle the spouse and boast about it proudly. Don't bother arguing that point!

Well-said. I dashed here as I thought they were gang banging you. She assumes your husband is dissatisfied and has found a mistress. That is amusing. Considering the quality of women who are mistresses here presently. Forget trying to discuss this further. Let them borrow others. Cause in the end, they still end up alone. And that is sad because they could have someone full-time. Second place is never satisfying. But again they settle. Settle in their marriages, and with other's men. Tragic...She boasts on what? Nothing really. Cause it is nothing.

Wow. How very insulting of you PNE. You dashed here to be mean. Interesting. Sigh. I just don't get people like you and that person who you felt needing rescuing and back up for this conversation. And what do you mean "quality of woman". Things happen in life. A relationship takes two people at least so I'm not sure why you're not mentioning the cheating husband. Who cares if this woman is having an affair and wants to write about it? Why do people like you feel the need to attack? I find it so odd. You legit go out of your way to be complete @ssholes. It's weird. And creepy. Just saying.

PoetryNEmotion ...well now, the quality of a posting like yours is highly in question.

Did you even "read" this story. She (the wife) could have this man; she chose other activities. Her choices have consequences.... just like his affair may. People have the right to make their own choices. That is the point of this story. I did not call her names or downgrade her choice; thus should any of you be judging him?

-----"Cause in the end, they still end up alone."

I find this statement to be quite interesting and seems to be one of the highlights that is so often pushed, used as a threat to those who find themselves in these situation. Setting aside the story for a moment and all the moral outrage that these discussions invoke - the idea that having a man "full time" is any guarantee that you won't be alone later on in life, appears to me, to be quite naive. As one ages in life and takes a look around at older female relative, friends and co-workers - one finds that, generally speaking - the majority of women END UP ALONE anyway - relative to the male populations - no matter the relationship choices they make in life. Death and divorce are reality, and, in the end - if you get sick anyway the caregiving, more often than not, is not going to come from your husband - it is going to come from female relatives or friends. Husbands bail, get sick or die. They are often older (mine is 11 years older than me) and simply aren't going to be around or interested in caregiving. From a macroview - to ignore this reality and pin everything on the man "so you won't be alone" might not be good policy either. In the end we ALL end up alone, and we all die alone - so using the old, worn tactic of the threat of social isolation (you will end up old an alone you harlot!) as a way to browbeat people into not getting into these situations is useless. Women, more likely than not, end up alone anyway so may as well build your networks with that reality in mind earlier in life than later. IF you are fortunate to live past age 85 there will be twice as many women alive than men, so yes, being alone (if one insists on defining being alone as having no man around), as a woman, is the reality for the future of many of us.

Emotions are not often easily contained. Add to that the frustration of having to explain to some that the right to live your own life should not include making it more difficult upon others to live theirs...even if only a fraction of a percent and where difficulties existed prior and we often resort to idle and insignificant threats or comments. I don't think the contempt I feel, is or should be, the reaction of ONLY women that are in relationships where this occurred/suspected or where trouble already exists. It ought to be what I believe IT IS... an unspoken rule amongst empathetic women, based upon mutual respect and selflessness. It is human nature to mask guilt with attempts to justify one's actions to oneself, but have respect for your "sisters" NOT to lose sight of, or try to convince others that it is someone else-s fault and that actions like that can change from being cruel and insensitive to being deserved and acceptable. I also do not agree with every aspect of the few that have expressed their opposition to the story...As I have. I understand what you are saying, but to me, it made no difference that I didn't share the "end up alone in the end" aspect of others' opinions, but agree fully that we all end up alone.

Fetish, you have an interesting POV on this story. I am sorry you got confused. However, let me repeat my motivation for writing it. It honestly was not to be selfish or callous;however, depending on your present situation you could view it that way. All the people involved want to be loved and desired.

What if this woman really does feel totally loved with the unlimited credit line? Is she callous because her husband should supply her with that need? Maybe......

What if the MM did wait well over 20 years to actually have intercourse for more than just reproduction? Is his need less than his wife's need to spend $$$? Maybe. According to the way society views it, it is.....

I simply did a comparison to get people to think about how we tend to place blame on the other woman, the married man or the wife...but in reality, it all becomes rather irrelevant.

People are going to get what they need; no matter what ;at some point. That is human nature. The right or wrong of it is how society translates it.

I wasn't commenting on "the group"- just the original story and subsequent responses...and if one desires "solace" than one should present it in a manner that expresses the distress or sadness felt that is in need of comfort. What IS Insulting is you are so preoccupied and concerned with being surrounded by people that will tell you what you want to hear that you have lost sight of understanding other women s views on the subject. "Hooking up with married people" or "married people hooking up"...In my world, they are say same thing! Married people "hook up" for various reasons and THEY SHOULDN'T. Legally separate or divorce and then do whatever floats your boat. No one need to be in a loveless or sexless marriage, but if you are married or the other person is...It should be considered OFF LIMITS.

Each person in this group has their own stories, live their own lives in their own worlds, just like you. Every person has a valid reason for making that choice at this time.

I understand your need to feel loved in a sexless marriage but is your choice to also leave.....just as I have the choice to stay in my marriage and engage in a parallel relationship.

Once again, I have no ill will against his wife; whatsoever, she makes her own choices too.....and I described that in the post. I did not call her choice wrong or stupid, it is simply different than mine.

Thank you for making this a respectable discussion! Please know I wrote this in a lyrical way to promote discussion not change minds.

I am trying so hard to be nice...I was in the midst of replying to your last comment (addressed to me, 13 hrs. ago) when I stopped to reply to the ignoramus that claimed I was being insensitive to people looking for solace. Surprised and disappointment to read your "dig" regarding your assumption that I am in need of feeling loved in a sexless marriage.- and that is what is motivating me to have such strong feelings. You will NEVER know me and despite me having my concerns or disappointments in my 25 year marriage and 28 yr old relationship, you are clueless. I'm gonna pretend you didn't say that and finish my reply from earlier.

I apologize Fetish... I did make an assumption based on my own marriage experiences. Trust me; my marriage is challenging too; which is part of the reason I have another relationship. Life has a way of causing chaos and we all react in the way we feel is right.

Allow me to say that I appreciate the fact that you didn't just read 1 or 2 of my responses and figured it or I wasn't worth commenting and explaining further. I find that a sign of character. Unfortunately though, other than your explanation regarding your intentions behind writing the story...Nothing else is relevant to my opinion. What did I say that gave you the impression that if she (wife) is content or feels “completely loved”, as you put it, that it makes it an acceptable choice? Call her up and allow her the opportunity and choice of telling you if she thinks that’s ok. Better yet, e-mail her your story. What about your spouse? If you ALL(people involved/affected by this dual relationship) find that acceptable, then great for you. I wish you all the best that life has to offer. I am not a right fighter or concerned with passing judgment upon informed decisions that consenting adults make…unless it affects people that have no say in the matter. For your information, when I say “…have a say in the matter” I am not referring to your example of how she (wife) could have this man if only she did things differently, I am referring to verbally expressing their acceptance of her husbands actions and feelings and yours. I also would expect nothing less of a decent man, not succumb to those desire without attempting to fix the problems that exist, but still don’t understand why it is considered a acceptable solution. Those opinions are what I consider to be the LEAST I would expect and that I believe others should demand under those circumstances. Otherwise my comments would have been far more biting than what I expressed. Regarding your comment about sex for something other than reproduction...I'm baffled. Why would one, start a family, by choice, with someone he had basically no desire, connection with or interest in, when he knows that would make it that much more of a difficult decision, for him to be a real man and leave? I'm trying NOT to be really rude, but your explanations do not make sense to me. Divorce is common, too common for many; However, it seems contradictory to be steadfast against that, but not infidelity. To me, infidelity is far worse an action than realizing you made a mistake and with the utmost respect, remedying that. The reason your comparison is cruel is because you think it justifies you being the OW, and both of you being unfaithful to the people that you vowed to honor and cherish, in good times and bad. What is so wrong about getting what you want by means that are accepted by each and every person involved and not just a few of them. It is clear there are 4 significant players in your game, despite knowing the children and extended families would rather another course of action had been taken, NOT just 2. I am usually tolerant of people who's opinions I differ from...But yours involves others that may not be willing participants and as such, gives other women out their the impression that if they and the MM can pull it off, than it is ok. If you want to have sex and emotional connection with another person...File for divorce. Period! If you have a strong desire for money and recognition, don't accept a job that pays poorly, shows no appreciation, then steal from them and blame them for not paying you enough money or respect. Regardless of whether they deserve that, it doesn’t make it RIGHT. I guess the same attention should be given addressing what is needed by employers AND spouses. I could give you more personal examples of actual situations that provide as proof that I am speaking from the heart, but am reluctant as it is evident that publicly being honest and vulnerable results in caddy remarks. I don’t know if your most recent apology was genuine, but I accept it as such. Feel free to private message me and I would gladly give you insight with genuine truth about instances where I could have taken that route but didn’t. Best of luck to you.

We all have our own reasons for why we make the choices we do. I have told a few of my situation; I do not post it in my stories. I like my privacy.

I still feel you have misinterpreted this story. It is about finding passion because it is important despite obstacles. I want marriages to work but it depends on how that is defined. It's really up to those involved; and you honestly do not know if how or if our spouses were informed. In some marriages, sex is simply not a priority or is even present.

@Fetish, off topic but what is your Fetish exactly?

None the definition suggests. Nobody questioned it for the first year or so as a everybody thinks I do. I feel bad, but don\'t want to change it now.

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You do not understand my situation at all! I am not waiting for him to leave his marriage. We both have responsibilities in our marriages that cannot be ignored.

In fact; you misunderstood the message of this post... If spouses acted more like an affair partner; our marriages would be more fulfilling. She obviously does not desire the parts of him that I do. My husband adores me but for totally different reasons. That is my choice,my reality,my life.

We are both consenting adults. I am just as capable of using him. I get so tired of the stupid double standard!

Why do you assume the woman is the one that waits? Is that what you do? Are you looking for Prince Charming on a lame website?

The man I sleep with is living, breathing and passionate. He is not some fantasy on EP........ Get a clue...

yes, he is living using you. and he belongs to another woman. tsk, tsk. neither a borrower nor a lender be. spouses are not affair partners. they are marriage partners who exchanged vows. does your spouse know of your married lover? I doubt it. we don't need clues. we have reality and the truth. and you have nothing but sex with a married man.

I actually have many males in my life. There are three I have had contact with today. One I have lived with for over 20 years, one I have as a affair. partner, and one is of the canine species. There is only one that I own......

I don't understand your need to own another human being.

By the way, your reality is a little warped.... an online lover is a fantasy. He can make you believe he is anything you want him to be.... He could even be MARRIED!

*the husband belongs to the wife*? The mind boggles. I do not own my wife. She does not own me. The age of slavery is over, at least in most countries, most cultures.
Yet, my wife did actually take me for granted in that fashion for some years. I let her know, in no uncertain terms, that that kind of attitude, that kind of behaviour was not acceptable.

If my wife wants to go out and do whatever with whomsoever she desires, be it quilting or be it drag racing or be it snogging, then that is what she can and will do. She will not "belong" to me any more or any less regardless, because she doesn't in the first place.

And all I can say is, if she showed attitudes like you're displaying, P_N_E, then I'd probably tell her to pack her bags. I find your ideas about ethics and relationships quaint to say the least, and I certainly would not have any room in my life for them.
You may choose to live your life howsoever you want, but to call other people names on the basis of how you imagine your life, that is ... shall we say uneducated at best.

P&amp;E, Do you truly understand why we have pointed out the name calling? You state; "You are second best", "You are borrowed" etc... Do you really feel you have the power to place labels on people based on an action they write about on EP?

No one has a problem with your POV. But I become defensive and angry when someone decides I am selfish, callous, flawed based on how they interpret my story.

Now I am going keep pointing this out and I will always implore friends to help me. If this is a problem; you may choose to not comment on my stories......

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Sorry...But you are the one who is not married to him.....
You are the one who waits for him to reach to you...
You may have him for a moment, but she has him forever...
Do you ever get tired of being number two?
Cause he remains married. I am honest. And you are fooling yourself.

he is married. what are the odds he will leave his wife? zero. three years now!
she is second best. ask him! he has his wife and sex on the side. he is the winner in this! don't kid yourself...

she posted mocking this man's wife. Kelkie is foolish. and therefore your defense of her wrongdoings is lame. vows mean something. she is unhappily married but lacks self-love to leave. more excuses. from him and her. pitiful really. that is all. I have nothing else to say. bye.

harrie, I do not believe PE knows any better. She is looking for true love on EP. I would rather be having a meaningful relationship with a real man than profess my undying love to some male I have never laid eyes on.

Prince Charming online can pretty much tell her 10 times more lies than my 5 year AP. In my opinion, her choices are sad, pitiful and desperate.

Poetry: Looking at the relatively high divorce rates in Western countries divorce happens to a lot of people. To include the ones whom post on here - so I would - taking into context divorce statistics and remarriage rates - never say this: "what are the odds he will leave his wife? zero". They certainly are not zero or anywhere near zero.

at least the man I love is free on-line. not borrowed. your borrowed man and you live a lie. your choice is like you. again pitiful. desperate. sad. I use your words as they are you. flawed. terribly. and alone in the end. at least I would give an available man a chance. you give nothing. get nothing,. you are really a poor desperate woman. I have had enough of you and your foolish friends. go back to borrowed. cause no real man wants you.

Yuck. You are not a very nice person. Why do you care if someone you DON'T EVEN KNOW is having an affair??? It's WEIRD. You don't think so?

-----"and alone in the end". Sad how you define being alone as not having a man as your property. Nothing else seems to count in your eyes (as per your comments) except the man with the highest priority being "not ending up alone". People have families, friends, coworkers and a host of others to fill their lives - and if they find that their relationship choices have not fulfilled their romantic fantasies (and those choices often do not as all relationships end - either through death or divorce) they have a wealth of other support to. Some of us even have husbands that are not borrowed. If your love is on-line I certainly wish you the best in fulfilling your romantic vision and that you escape your own version of that dreaded fate of "ending up alone".

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Wow I have read through every response here. I think being the OW is out of line. Y would u do something to hurt a family? While u r out playing a little kitty cat, the wife is at home bathing the kids, preparing dinner and looking for a romantic movie to put after the kids r asleep. The life of a wife and a mother never ends, the husband needs to be less selfish and play his role as a husband and father. For u or any person to entertain the idea if mistresses is outragouse. U may not realize the pain u cause bc u r too busy trying to pleasure yourself. R there really not enough men in the world?

Sweetpea, I read your posts and your husband is a serial cheater. Your marriage is in trouble. My circumstance is so different. My affair partner has children your age. We are both in sexless marriages and have been for years. Our spouses are happy with their lives without passion, we are not.

I think @sadworldwelivein has low self esteem seeing as she is commenting on all our stories and she is not the OW &amp; her husband cheated on her and when someone questions the reality of it all she blocks them.. hmmm think before you speak/write. stick to your \"my husband cheated on me\" forums.

Sadworld, Let\'s get something straight. I will not tolerate your name-calling. Many of the women who have commented on this post are strong and supportive to all the past and present other women. We, often, do not even agree.

But it is wrong to come here to basically troll a story in which you are totally unable to show any empathy toward. In fact, like Harrie, I wonder what your motivation is....except to demonstrate some sort of imagined superiority.

Please find a group of wives whom have or had cheating husbands. I am sure they will understand you. Us\"******\" really do not deserve or desire your advice.

I married the wrong woman.

Yea! I understand,I married the wrong man too. He makes me laugh,we respect each other but....I crave the passion from from this another man. I cannot get enough simultaneous *******.

that letter is awesum...sums up my feeling for sure....xoxo

You could be describing everything I did for my lover, even the resentment I felt that in the end he didn't chose me the way I chose him.

I hope you realize that this is no usually the case. I am the wife. I love my husband, passionately. We make love for hours, look deeply into each other's eyes many, many times a day. And yes, we tear each other's clothes off. But it can't be planned, it has to be spontaneous. And yes, when you have a house full of children that gets less and less often. But it is still just as delicious. Maybe more so because this is the person that held your hand and cheered you on while you gave birth to his child. This is the man you watch changing diapers, the man that tells you you can overcome whatever obstacle you are facing when you are down. This is the man that will drop what he is doing to come home to you and your children-because you are his wife. He had other women come into his life, but he chose one to spend the rest of his life with. This wasn't arranged. This wasn't a quick decision. He married the woman he loved above all the others. He married the woman that he wanted to stand beside him in front of family, friends and God as his partner.

As the wife, you are number 1. As the mistress you are much further down the list. Yes, you make him feel desired. Yes he makes you feel the same. But it is based on fantasy. It is so much more difficult to maintain those feelings when you do have "lists" of things to do to maintain your life. It is not all fun and games. It is work. It is a partnership. It is intimate, it is dirty, it is challenging, it is REAL.

Don't settle for being number two. Don't believe the married man's words. He is lying. The wife is not a shrew that won't have sex. My husband would have make love with me then go have sex with the girl at work. He would tell her he would leave me while building his dream garage in our house. He would tell her he wanted to fill her up with his babies, but I was holding his hand and putting ice on his vasectomy.

A relationship with a married man is doomed. It is based on secrets, lies. He is being selfish and reckless. He is unlikely to leave and he Is unlikely to be able to give you the time, attention and honesty you should demand from a partner.

And it is really bad karma. You don't want to be the wife that learns the man she loves so much is betraying her. It is the worst pain you can imagine. And it is never ending.

Well I am very happy you live a cookie cutter life... If you had read farther down this post you would know I am also married. By all standards,it looks like my life is all sunshine and roses too. However, perceptions are deceiving, my lover and I live in sexless marriages,we give each other what our spouses can't or won't. I understand his situation ,he understands mine and neither one of us has ever considered leaving our marriages. You see ,sometimes relationships evolve for other reasons and I know in your Christian view of the world there is only marriage but ,in my opinion, that is narrow minded and judgmental. Life is simply too short to worry about how others live their lives. I intend to enjoy mine.

Guess putting her life down makes you feel a tad better. Cookie cutter life? Isn't that what you are doing? If you and your passionate lover can't get enough of each other, why not leave your spouses and be with each other? Oh, because all it is dirty sex... He wont leave his wife because in the end, you are just an open pair of legs and he is a man who will respond. I am a man who has seen it all, and in the end the other woman gets screwed (literally)

I'm surprised that you don't seem to have any guilt. I couldn't handle the guilt. We were the same. We didn't want the other to leave their families. But he is like you. Wanted me to be there no matter what. He didn't care if we were busted. But I would not want to be vilified by everyone so I left. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I love him. Very much. Our time together was not all about sex. But there were so many factors that happened between us. But the scariest is that someone found out that works with me.

Once one lives for years (or decades) in a sexless marriage, there is nothing to be sexually true to. There is no spousal sexual relationship remaining, so if the spouse does end up coloring outside the marital intimate lines, there, oftentimes, is little to no guilt because the relationship is based on social and legal standing, mostly a shell with no spiritual intimate center.

Yet a sense of responsibility my husband,our families,our friends. I still consider my husband my best friend,he is simply not my lover. In fact I considered divorce long before I had even thought about a lover.... Nothing can compare to the relationship I have with the lover but I do not have any desire for his or my relationship with our spouses to change.
I often wonder if I was the spouse not into sex if I would mind if my spouse had the affair....I believe I would accept it as what he needs to stay sane and centered.

Kelki: I get the sense from reading your stories that you do fulfill all your husband's needs. He does not need intimate interaction within the context of your marriage. Mine does not either. Folks who have never lived that scenario can not possibly begin to understand these dyfunctional sexless dynamics. My husband and I live as strictly nonsexual roomates and responsible financial partners - he has no need for intimate interaction so there is, literally, no sexual bond to be true to from the beginning of the marriage. He has no sexual jealously that I am aware of. Three years ago (after four years of me trying to build intimacy) I told him that I would no longer live without intimacy- I dropped the rules of sexual fidelity - for BOTH of us. I would no longer labor under those rules as I did not marry to be chaste. This gave him the opportunity to either 1. work with me to fix the sexless marriage 2. accept that I was going to get my needs met elsewhere or 3. divorce. He accepted option 2 and we have live a very high quality of life. I totally get where you are coming from. I sleep well at night and feel no guilt, as my husband is absolutely complicit in the dynamics. I read that you and your husband add tremendous value to each other's lives even if you are not sexual.

Thank you mvcmvc! I never thought I would even consider the option I chose. works for now.

And if, from a macroview, folks are going to spread the blame around - we can go as far as this: if the OW gets busted by her lovers wife - I recommend she give the scorned wife her husband's telephone number - tell her to ask him WHY he refused to take care of his own wife's intimate wise - thus driving her out of the house into another woman's husband arms. Refusing spouses have a huge role in these long term dynamics and are starving their own spouses out of the house and enabling an environment where affairs can and do happen. Everything is connected. And as we get older - the probability is high that the affairs are between people who are BOTH married.

I left the guilt behind. GUILT is the least of my worries. I spent most of my marriage feeling that there was nothing I could do to ever be happy. Now,reaching the ultimate pleasure and sharing an intimate relationship with another human being is essential to my life.

Kelki, You see your husband as a 'Bank Account and someone who takes out the Garbage on Tuesday...." Tell him you are a Cheater, and want a Divorce". Move on Woman! He deserves better.

I take very good care of my husband. He gets all he needs and wants because I provide for him......not the other way around. However, I cannot stay sane without sex. I have told him I would outsource. I have a great friend who is ready and able and in a similar situation. Life in parallel relationships may not fit into your world but it makes mine wonderfully happy.

So, He thinks its Ok when you come home late at night, with another Man's *Seed* inside you..........and you Kiss him and "Crawl into bed" ???

Oh my crowbar..... I am questioning your motivation. Is it to incite me into making a plea that all the "Other Women" are misunderstood and victims of love gone wrong? Could it be possible, that you are a man who had a wife that disagreed with you? Maybe she was even a "cheater". OR...... Do you just want me to disclose all the nasty or erotic ( depending on your POV) details of my illicit affair?

Yes, *I had a Wife.....* HAD, is the Word. We are divorced. We decided to end the marriage after 25 yrs. and 2 wonderful children. I resent the fact that you think 'SHE' or I cheat. But you do!! And like it!!
Why not "Stand on a street corner at 2am." .....Wait for some New Meat to come by, and get Paid for it too?
Sex on the side...while being married is Evil.

Hmmmm! So are you just confused Crowbar? Are women really only meat to you? Yea.... it's called the Madonna/***** complex. Some men cannot develop relationships with women unless they equate sex as "dirty" etc....

Actually, I just asked if that was your experience... you do not have to supply any details. I am really not interested; I was being polite.

You may tuck your "gutter" language back in your pants! This is not the story where I discuss that. Trust me, a man such as you portray yourself, still would not have a chance with me; even if I were a two dollar hooker.

Good Luck Crowbar!

Kelki, I have no desire to be with a Woman such as you. Sex is a Minor part in a relationship, but love is always there.
Adultery is a sin. I think that doesn\'t matter to you. Can you look in the mirror and feel happy that you cheat?
He... might tell you different... to keep you around, but you\'re nothing but a \"Walking Vagina\" to him?

HA! Adultery IS a sin, well guess what?? SO IS DIVORCE! My goodness. You being mean and insulting is a "sin", you casting judgment is a "sin", you calling names is a sin.. need I go on? Unbelievable. Aren't you awfully self righteous? I don't understand people. I really don't. These comments. Gross. Honestly, who says that to someone?? If that is the way you speak to people I am not at all shocked to hear that you are divorced.

@sadworld, No one has a cookie cutter life! That is the point. No one should be dictating what my life should be either. You do live in my world ,have my experiences or make decisions for me.

If you truly are this angry about what happened in your marriage, you need to sort that out. Bitching at me for my life of sinfulness is not going to help you heal.

@ crowbar, Get over your double standard mentality! Maybe, sex is not important to you. Fine! Then take a hike over to the \"I am asexual\" group with some other liked minded folks. Preaching at me for my adulterous behavior is hopeless! Once again, what is your motivation?

Whoops.. that should read You do NOT live in my world. Sadworld, I sincerely, hope you have your own wonderfully,fulfilling life. You sound very happy with your husband now. Please concentrate more on your life together and less on what happens to OW on a website.

Crowbar, I do not think there are too many women beating down your door to get to you; other woman or not...... May I conclude....even if you were the last man on earth....

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This was sad for me to read. But it was so true.

Oh yes, that nails it!

It's so crazy but that is exactly how I felt with my MM. Thanks for putting my feelings into words.

Very very true

Perfect! Well said..thank you.

Thank you Diako! I am glad you found this story and hope it gives you a little inspiration to live a passionate life.