A Letter From The Other Woman

Well I am very happy you live a cookie cutter life... If you had read farther down this post you would know I am also married. By all standards,it looks like my life is all sunshine and roses too. However, perceptions are deceiving, my lover and I live in sexless marriages,we give each other what our spouses can't or won't. I understand his situation ,he understands mine and neither one of us has ever considered leaving our marriages. You see ,sometimes relationships evolve for other reasons and I know in your Christian view of the world there is only marriage but ,in my opinion, that is narrow minded and judgmental. Life is simply too short to worry about how others live their lives. I intend to enjoy mine.

I'm surprised that you don't seem to have any guilt. I couldn't handle the guilt. We were the same. We didn't want the other to leave their families. But he is like you. Wanted me to be there no matter what. He didn't care if we were busted. But I would not want to be vilified by everyone so I left. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I love him. Very much. Our time together was not all about sex. But there were so many factors that happened between us. But the scariest is that someone found out that works with me.

Once one lives for years (or decades) in a sexless marriage, there is nothing to be sexually true to. There is no spousal sexual relationship remaining, so if the spouse does end up coloring outside the marital intimate lines, there, oftentimes, is little to no guilt because the relationship is based on social and legal standing, mostly a shell with no spiritual intimate center.

godoggo83 I take you have left your husband? What I love about these wives, when they catch their husbands having affairs all of a sudden they have wonderful dynamic sex lives so they are at a loss as to why the husband is having an affair. I can guarantee, back it in and take it to the bank, the husbands on the ILIASM forum may disagree to this posters assessment on the “hours of love making” she was engaging in with her husband.

Yet a sense of responsibility remains...to my husband,our families,our friends. I still consider my husband my best friend,he is simply not my lover. In fact I considered divorce long before I had even thought about a lover.... Nothing can compare to the relationship I have with the lover but I do not have any desire for his or my relationship with our spouses to change.
I often wonder if I was the spouse not into sex if I would mind if my spouse had the affair....I believe I would accept it as what he needs to stay sane and centered.

Kelki: I get the sense from reading your stories that you do fulfill all your husband's needs. He does not need intimate interaction within the context of your marriage. Mine does not either. Folks who have never lived that scenario can not possibly begin to understand these dyfunctional sexless dynamics. My husband and I live as strictly nonsexual roomates and responsible financial partners - he has no need for intimate interaction so there is, literally, no sexual bond to be true to from the beginning of the marriage. He has no sexual jealously that I am aware of. Three years ago (after four years of me trying to build intimacy) I told him that I would no longer live without intimacy- I dropped the rules of sexual fidelity - for BOTH of us. I would no longer labor under those rules as I did not marry to be chaste. This gave him the opportunity to either 1. work with me to fix the sexless marriage 2. accept that I was going to get my needs met elsewhere or 3. divorce. He accepted option 2 and we have live a very high quality of life. I totally get where you are coming from. I sleep well at night and feel no guilt, as my husband is absolutely complicit in the dynamics. I read that you and your husband add tremendous value to each other's lives even if you are not sexual.

Thank you mvcmvc! I never thought I would even consider the option I chose. But...it works for now.

And if, from a macroview, folks are going to spread the blame around - we can go as far as this: if the OW gets busted by her lovers wife - I recommend she give the scorned wife her husband's telephone number - tell her to ask him WHY he refused to take care of his own wife's intimate wise - thus driving her out of the house into another woman's husband arms. Refusing spouses have a huge role in these long term dynamics and are starving their own spouses out of the house and enabling an environment where affairs can and do happen. Everything is connected. And as we get older - the probability is high that the affairs are between people who are BOTH married.

Thank you Diako! I am glad you found this story and hope it gives you a little inspiration to live a passionate life.

Goodess,it is nice to hear positives about my story. An EP friend compared it to an Anias Nin ....so I guess it does have an erotic slant!I will say It is very enlightening to be the Goddess in his life.

I am glad you enjoyed the writing!

No surprises here! I hope people take the post as intended and make their relationships better.

Why do you assume I need more? I am not sure I want that kind of relationship with him. He makes me feel pretty wonderful too. I know he feels the same way when our time needs to end. It is a double standard to believe that only the woman is emotionally connected to a relationship. Let me explain, I am treated like a queen by my husband but there is no sex. My husband and I fund raise in the community,attend dinner parties with close friends, we have family traditions that have gone on for years and we have a lot of fun. I almost left a few times but then he' d get sick or a family crisis would take place and it was never the right time. Actually, if my AP partner hinted at more I would probably end the relationship. So I guess I am not your typical other woman....I am not putting out ultimatums or needing promises of forever. We just enjoy each other's company.

That seems to be the case for a lot of people. They enjoy their life and the way it is cause it costs a lot of money to get divorced an it's not just lawyers its losing friends an family and if heir r kids involved u gotta think bout their feelings and of course a lot of ppl don't wanna get divorced cause then they wouldn't get medical benefits or social security payments or whatever benefits cause it seems the go er meant likes to punish ppl for bein married lol. I wasn't tryin to assume u were the one or only one wanting more I was asking it as a question, I would think at some point u wanted more or u wouldn't have tried to leave a couple times but I do understand that it's never the right time. I guess I was just tryin to understand if everybody invol bed was happy with the arrangement is all, I mean does ur husband know u use this other man for all things he can't provide or won't? I'm not judging cause I've been the other woman and I've been cheated on and I've done the cheating so I'm the last person that will point fingers I promise u that, just curious and mayb a little jealous cause that's what every woman wants is a great home and to b treated like gold and then have all the intimacy u can ask for. That's great if u guys have it all worked out.

My husband knows since I told him if there was no sex I would have an affair. He has never asked if I followed through on my decision. So I guess it is a "Don' t ask,Don' t tell" situation.
I did not take your comment as a judgement at all. I am more used to being called as a ***** due to my decision. Life leads us down an unexpected path sometimes.

Nope, not at all Ray. I just believe in right and wrong. Self righteousness is displayed by those justifying their behavior when they know it is wrong. We can agree to disagree.

If you wouldn't want your grandmother to know you were doing something or you wouldn't want it printed in the newspaper for all to see that is usually a good gage of knowing something is right or wrong.

I realize not everyone is faith based but I also know that I personally have to answer to God.

Ray, I agree with you completely, nobody has any business in anyone else's bedroom, especially ANOTHER person if you are married.

I am a realist and pragmatic. It happens I know. It has since the dawn of time and will continue to until the end. That still doesn't make it right.

I have always loved graciousness. I think it’s one of the most beautiful traits a person can have.

By the same token, one of the ugliest traits one can call their very own is ungraciousness – the attitude that NO ONE ever does enough for them and that what they do manage to do is…well, owed to them, somehow or justified.

“To bear defeat with dignity, to accept criticism with poise, to receive honors with humility -- these are marks of maturity and graciousness.”
- William Arthur Ward

No apologies. No, not southern, not Baptist. Do you have a belief in a higher power? Just curious.

Agree on consequences. The world would be a bette place if we all worried more about helping others. Not discarding them or their feelings. We can't save the world but we can be the change WE want and hopefully illistrate and demonstrate to others truth, love and honesty. I appreciate your sharing your thoughts and your dialouge.

The grandmother comment is thought provoking! Each of mine would have reacted in two different ways. One would have prayed for me and the other would ask if my prayers were answered.
Each day my feelings are hurt by all kinds of events,I chose how to react. Is it possible the change I envision is just different from yours?

Some people think truth is an absolute. They believe in dogma.
Some people know that truth is relative in virtually every social situation.

My grandmother believed that everything that was printed black on white was truth. Every article in the gutter press, every advertising leaflet in her letter box. Would I submit myself to her scrutiny? Not, I think. She was a very simple woman.

In virtually every talk between two people there are two truths. In every political situation there are many, many more truths, depending on where people come from in approaching the matter in hand. Consider, Mr. 4truth, the perception of a fundamentalist Muslim seeing you. You are a giaur, somewhat less than human in the first place. Should you dare start a relationship with a Muslim woman, he will consider that you have just committed a capital crime.
Just one truth that maybe you would not subscribe to, as it were ...

It is my truth for instance that any so-called Christian pastor or priest who blesses soldiers or even canons is blaspheming. Which certainly may not be your truth if you go on certain passages in the old testament, but it is mine, reading the new testament.

How many truths?
And since you seem somewhat inclined to think that you have The One, I won't particularly worry about carrying on with this aspect of the conversation.

kind regards -P.

A - I am a woman not a man. Truth is truth. Not lies. Yes we can worship different God's but ultimately lies and deceit are just that. I don't know all the answers and have not professed to. Just stating self righteous justification is not a path that I choose to travel. I didn't ask you to comment so I am fine with your not wishing to carry on any conversation. God bless

Kelki - absolutely. We all have different journeys - different paths. Your change is yours alone. I just know first hand the ripple affects of an affair and know that many innocent people are hurt. Just trying to shine some light on that perspective. Good luck

The ripple is from reaction to the situation not the affair itself. I do not know your story but my motivation was to illustrate how a spouse should become more like an affair partner. You see, I do not want to own any part of my AP. We simply share a part of our lives that our spouses don' t care about.

Exactly, we like intelligent discussion even if there is disagreement. However, I do take offense to being called a deranged ***** and I hate it when my fellow posting friends get called goofs, fatssdlosers,***** etc... But be aware if you take that low road of name calling we will run you off without ever calling you one. Except.... TROLL.. but usually they identify themselves as that due to their actions.

But the ripples are created from choices - choices of free will. Even if the souse doesn't care or you do not care about the spouse I have seen first hand how it affects the children. My daughter lost her hero, a person she thought was someone she could always count on. Through the affair and lies it taught her she wasn't as important as her daddy's desires. I would have had more respect if he'd have asked for a divorce so we could deal with reality vs. his wanting to pretending to be devoted husband and father. That's my issue. We have 3 children and they lost their innocence and belief in their father through the actions of the affair. A daughter needs a father so she will have at least one hero that will never let her down and demonstrate unconditional love. A son needs a father to be an example of a man he should inspire and grow to be. Major ripple that we had no choice in being swept up in. Unfair, selfish and irresponsible.

Thanks Ray. You have been a great person to chat with. I am obviously new here. I appreciate your giving me the benefit of the doubt. Hugs

I do not believe a man or woman cares less for their children because they have an affair. I do not know how how your husband handled his affair or his reasons for having one but I would never expect my AP to forsake his family responsibilities. He ,in turn, would never expect me to put off my obligations to satisfy him. You see, we provide each other with that one element that our marriages do not have. It is almost medicinal... I do not know if I could deal with life as it is now without his support. Having an affair should not take over your life, that is obsession. An affair should enhance your life not control it.

Respectfully, if what you have is so good why not divorce and be together? If either of you have children how do you think they'd respond if they found out? I am not saying my husband doesn't love our children but he severely let them down. The truth we sought to teach him, the facade he continued to carry on was false and made our children question who their father really is which in turn has them question everything in their life that they knew to be true. It's just sad. My husband is remorseful but he can't undo what's been done.

Ray, your children are lucky to have you. I agree about happiness but never at the cost of others. Accuse me of being a martyr but I can't consciously make a decision knowing it could hurt someone else, especially my children. I wish everyone happiness and love in their lives. Ray, you seem like a fair and good man. Keep your head up. Hugs

Go Blues !!! Lol

Do you have a toque?

Oh gosh, to answer that question I would probably have to write another story, which I probably should. So here’s a synopsis; I am one of those women in a sexless marriage. I decided to find an affair partner after 12 years of no sex in my bedroom. My husband was ill for most of our marriage and I stay to take care of him and my job provides insurance benefits. We never had children. I announced to my husband that he was leading me into an affair and since then I have had one. I did play the martyr for a long time and it nearly killed me and him as well.

My affair partner has been married for nearly 30 years, has 2 sons, aged 16 and 21. His youngest has autism. His sex life was always lackluster and then when it became extinct, he looked for an affair. In his words, he had to do something. His children and his wife have no idea he carries on a discreet affair with me. There just seems to be a limit for some of us to declare that sexual intimacy has to happen or we become less able to deal with life.

Here is the clincher, we respect, feel responsible and love our spouses, but however, sex is not important to them. Leaving, even without affair activity, would cause way too much chaos. I honestly do not want to spend the rest of my life with him or any other man. Although, I do adore the relationship we share and would love it to continue like this for years to come. We are going on 5.

It sounds like your husband became pretty obsessed with his desire for this woman. The key is to know that the time you have together is precious and passionate and if the desire is too much to handle, then there has to be decisions made before one partner becomes possessive or obsessed.

Ray, I am reminiscing about last month’s trolls. Question: Who was the one that left crazy messages on our whiteboards, called us fornicators and did not know what the word meant. Then proceeded to tell us about all the “fornicators’ chasing her?

Thank you for sharing your story. Where I have strong convictions and beliefs I do not feel that I am ever in a place to pass judgement. My truth is not someone else's - life is not one size fits all. We each create and choose our own journey.

My h got into an an emotional affair first. Through counseling many "reasons" were unveiled.
We are still together.

I understand needs, can understand your staying. In our case those issues weren't a factor. He was simply living a dual life (mid life crisis per him and said MC).

I granted him the out. I personally do not want to be with someone that doesn't want to be with me. He didn't take it. I said nothing messy - I can provide for myself and our children. But the "wake up" (his words) of losing me and our family "woke him up" and he loves me and our family so says he.

Good in one manner - mind boggling in so many others. As a wife and mother I have had to pick up the pieces of this mess that I did not create ( again HIS free will took him elsewhere without ever telling me once he was unhappy)

And actually my husband was himself in the affair. Passive aggressive. Found the emails and text and they are actually kind of sad. If I were her I'd want more. Vanilla. Never said he loved her. She did in every communication. I know i don't know everything. We still made love 2-3 times a week. Still ideal couple. Shiny happy couple.

I wish you happiness. I do. I hope his spouse and children never find out so they aren't hurt. I appreciate your truth and honesty. God bless

4Truth, I am glad that you turned out to be a person with a story of her own. You have asked questions, shared your opinions and this thread turned into a good discussion, without you damning some of us to hell for the lives we are leading. Apologies for assuming the worst.

Thank you. No apologies necessary but I do appreciate it. Good luck.

Yep definitely a troll. I am debating if I should tell it off or not. Just a bunch of generalizations...based on nothing

blondie has been quiet for far too long. blondie reinvented?

Now thats funny!!! Thanks for the smile!!!

Oh my! I am by no means being dragged around by my hair. My AP and I have no intention of leaving our marriages, I do not own him, I do not plan to put myself on the market like a prize pig and as far as rating.... well.... we do not rate each other or our relationship because it is uniquely ours. No rating required! I always have the opportunity to end the relationship too... An affair is not always so one-sided.

Who is there to judge? We all grown up and responsible for our action. It takes two to dance. People are happy, that the most important.

To your point Kelki, I wonder why so many assume that the woman in an affair situation is sitting around waiting for her married man lover to leave his wife and family for her? I have had three partners and I expected that of none of them. In fact, would be horrified and probably have to break it off if they even ventured to suggest it.

I am deserving ,but that was not why I wrote this post. When I thought about why I am in this adulterous relationship,I came to a rather eye-opening conclusion. My affair partner and I are drawn to each other because of our spouses' lack of interest in sex. My message was simply to contrast how a spouse would benefit from being like the "Other Woman". Maybe someday I will leave and become the only but that is another story.......

Neuilly, you can have a relationship with a person without wanting to own them, without wanting to have them exclusively to yourself, without either of you giving up your autonomy, your other relationships, your marriage even.

This is a story about someone who picks up the precious thing that somebody else has discarded, and treasures it, no more, no less. The people in this story enjoy each other, they give each other pleasure, and neither want to leave their life to make a new life together.
Can't we just respect their choice? Wish them lots of fun and a happy future?

hugs, -P.

the problem with that idea, is it cheats them both out of a possibility of much more than coming in second best..

But in our world it is not second best.....I cannot leave my marriage, he cannot leave his. I am not even sure I want to be with him or anyone exclusively. I do know that in these roles, we fullfill each other's needs, ones that we denied in ourselves for a very very long time. Trust me when I state I am in no way being selfish....I spend quality time with my husband and his family is in no way neglected. I do understand how being "the one" in someone else's life is perfect but for me, right now, this is special. It is perfect because I have to take care of all the burdens life has handed me. I cannot change that at this moment. This affair is life-changing. This man has given me more than I ever thought I could have again. All that could change in a minute, but for now I am going to enjoy these moments.....the ones that I do deserve......in somewhat imperfect circumstances.

well...then best of luck...best of luck to you both...

Thank you! We all need a little more luck....

I agree

Very true!

I no longer reply in depth to people who do not have the bravery to write their own stories. I also explained why I wrote this story farther down in the posts.

Good for you Kelki. I read that post a minute after it went up and I considered my reply. Judgemental, for sure. Now that is one thing. But it's also completely lacking in respect, it's glaringly ignorant, and it's full of abuse. The proper karma for that is not to be heard, not to be replied to, not to be taken seriously.
I have no problem with people who have a differing opinion and want to enter into a discussion, but it's got to be respectful, and with honest intentions, not just "slagging people off". As you said, it's cowardly. Bravo. I decided ultimately that the story-comment was not to be dignified with a reply .... HateLuver will reap in their life as they sow.

HatoLuverThis Karma you speak of what do you think is going to happen… I have had nothing but great Karma since I met my MM 15 yrs ago, I have doors and opportunities open that would have been closed, he has brought light, happiness and emotions that I never thought possible (yes one must admit negative also, however still a great learning experience) I still continue to live my life according to my own values and rules. However on the flip side of this Karma his wife since the unilateral decision to withdrawal sex from her marriage has experience negative engeries and bad health, so one must agrue who is really experiencing the Karma. It is never a good decision to be unfaithful to your partner; however it is also NEVER a good unilateral decision to withdrawal the most valuable commodity that keeps a marriage insitu…sex. If you are not married let this be your first lesson in relationships, withdraw sex from your marriage and your partner WILL find it elsewhere…that will be your Karma.

Thank you Pertruska! I realize I draw a fine line between right and wrong. However, there is no reason to call me names over a post like this. For heaven's sake it is to show how a relationship dies due to neglect and selfishness. It is not about the "stuff" at all. It is about reaching out to someone else for understanding,support and sexual intimacy. Responsibility to a spouse can be so overwhelming but do we give up part of ourselves and become less to fulfill that?

Ray, You know we cannot let your talents go to the wayside. Have fun with the New troll.

Harrie, thank you for your thoughtful reply. It could only be written by a self-confident woman who has learned more about life through experience. I am not so sure about the women who push their perception of karma. Don' t they know that karma is all about Thoughts and Actions? I hope those bad thoughts toward people in affairs do not consume them. That would be a whole lot of bad karma.

Could it be possible...Has blondie reinvented herself as HatoLuver???
Say it isn't so!!!!

Ray, your finishing school comment made me chuckle. Thanks, I needed the laugh tonight. There is definitely a special breed of trolls coming out of the woodworks. I read the post below and all I can say is WOW! Wishing hurt and bad karma on others...WOW! It sure is interesting that most of the trolls have no stories to tell, just judgements to pass.

These new and/or reinvented trolls are something else...Oh well, if they feel better tellling me I am gonna burn in hell, I guess that is their way of blowing off steam. Whatever....I do not plan to change my wicked ways any time soon.

K I agree with you, I always thought( I could be very wrong, I’m no expert on Karma, however) that Karma was the injustice versus justice of this world such as rich v poor, peace v war, so forth and so on. I keep reading about how being the mistress of a MM could expose oneself to some sort of life altering catastrophe, if you burn in Hell then I guess I shall see you there. I don’t believe this person is a Blondie reinvent the post is too well written.

Now I wonder what her problem is, found hubby laying down with someone else AND of course not her fault at all. Another victim…gee you get rid of one then another comes along.

I am confused...are you trying to call me a victim???
and for the record...yes mine did cheat and yes I did have a huge role to play in his doing so....I accepted and have made the changes i needed to to be available for my family and put them first. I had not in their eyes in some time.
This does not change the fact that the ***** he went with is just that a no count ***** who messed with the wrong womans man and CHILD. I paid my price now they will have to pay thiers.

If you look down farther in this post you will see I answered everyone the same way. I am NOT the woman who cheated with your husband. This is a lyrical post to illustrate that a wife or husband should probably thin about acting more like the Other in a marriage.

Affairs can be messy,obsessive or they can be exactly what a person needs for many reasons. Sometimes the people involved are mean, nasty and horrible and sometimes it is just a matter of finding someone to get you through the challenges of life.

I am not calling you a victim but I do detect a lot of hurt and/anger in your post. Please be sure to get the help you need, your child deserves that.

cbywfogirl Atypical victim mentality of the “cheated” wife, “ w hore” this, “s lu t” that blah blah blah. If you continue to play the victim role, you will ALWAYS attract negative energy into your life. I always argue to a wife whom frequents this forum GET SOME COUNCELLING to get you through this period of your life. As far as the child is concerned children, are not the marriage if you and your husband could not keep your marriage intact that is your doing not the Childs, so STOP holding them to ransom.

KattG, You are so correct! I know there are affairs that get out of control but this kind of relationship can be and should be fullfilling for all parties involved. I often tell my AP, he is my Prozac....I do not think he or I could make it through the week without the connection.

Thank you!

uma, I have been very blessed to have people come into my life to teach me and share amazing experiences....I added you so you can read some of my blogs too. And thank you for your kind words.

Uma, I look at it this way: there's people I might like to shoot pools with, there's people I like to talk psychology with, there's people I like to discuss photography with or woodwork or building computers .... all those are interests of mine. These people are not congruent.

So why should I not be able to have a good relationship with my sexless wife, and a passionate one with a FWB, just like I have relationships with other people with whom I am neither hugely affectionate nor passionate (well, I am always somewhat affectionate, but that's neither here nor there).

Not JUST wondering out loud because in my 20s I had a very good relationship with the woman I would call 'the love of my life' and a friend that I'd had prior to that relationship with whom I also had sexual relations (she was married and had a number of lovers) and we 3 got on splendidly. There are many things that are possible with the right constellation... it all depends on the people involved and the circumstances. What works for some, does not work for others, or with others.
Everybody in the end has to find a way that works for them, and for those they are connected to. i.m.n.s.h.o -P.

P...what a great analogy. I have been with my MM for almost 4 years. Being with each other has made our marriages better. We get from each other what we don't get from our spouses. Yes, we are both in sexless marriages but I'm not talking just about sex. Although the sex is amazing, it's so much more. We travel, go dancing, have gone to Broadway shows. He challenges me to try new things. I love my husband. I am in love with my MM. Both relationships are equally satisfying in their own ways. It works for us. That's all that matters

@aod7909...I think monogamy isn't for everyone. But our society still prescribes it as the thing we're supposed to be happy with. You are living in de-facto polyamory, though I assume the hubby does not know, and the wife of your lover does not know.
I think that the ideal of monogamy for everyone is something that ought to be questioned...maybe not held in such high social regard.

De- facto polygamist! I kind of like the name of that. I have also heard it called cuckold
Gracie and aod, I do not know about your relationships but mine was not one I just fell into. Thank you hylierandom for the information.

I did not fall into mine . . I willingly jumped LOL

And aod . . you said it perfectly. Taking a lover has made my marriage happier (I think that is true for my MM also) . . we get WHAT we need from each other with no expectations of anything else. We entered into this relationship with that agreement and those rules in mind. We really enjoy each other's company and many, many times its just and hour or so, coffee and kiss and we may not see each other for a week or two . . just when we can. We email on a regular basis and then sometimes . . no communication for days. Neither one of us feels as if one is using the other. I think because our relationship is based not just on sex but a deep friendship that goes a bit "further" . .it works very well. I am happier than I have been in years, it shows in my marriage and his and all is well.

hylierandom...I agree, monogamy isn't for everyone. After I became involved with my MM, I was truly surprised at the number of people who were living in sexless marriages and had or were having affairs. Funny you talk about polyamory and Kelki commented on cuckolding. Both of those have been brought up to me about my situation. I don't think I fall into either category. Polyamory...I'm not intimate with my husband, haven't been since 08. Cuckolding...my husband has no interest in watching or being involved in my sexual relationship with my lover. I would propbably describe my situation as more of an open relationship. My husband does know about my MM. My MM's wife implies she knows he's seeing someone as well. They too live in separate bedrooms, sexless marriage and were seeing other people for 5 yrs prior to him and I getting together. It's not always easy, but it's the way my life is at this time. I appreciate your comment. Thank you for not passing judgement.

To quote Gracie...

I did not fall into mine . . I willingly jumped LOL

Petrushka While I agree that if one can successful compartmentalize one’s life then one should ascribe to said lifestyle. However belittling your relationship with another woman, to a FWB only reinforces the stereotype what affairs consists of, what you are describing is commonly known as cake eating. We have many wives and assorted others whom frequent this forum only to reinforce the fact we are nothing more than substitute sex providers (I have no doubt there are men who do use women for this purpose) by reading your comments makes it very difficult to explain to these people we are a lot more than common tramps. Your comments pertains more to what is lacking in your marriage than leading support to a woman who is experiencing a less than perfect situation in her life. it is very difficult to break the stereotype of TOW when you yourself a MM in a sexless marriage is assigning the role of a woman to nothing more than someone to have sex with, as a woman and a former mistress I do hope I am wrong in my assumptions.

woof woof, you're barking up the wrong tree

Really...please explain, you want your wife and a FWB, how am I barking up the wrong tree, these are your words.

In my case, I was on a hunt for the perfect FWB. So was he. I met him online,made eye contact 2 weeks later and got a hotel room two weeks after that. It was instant attraction and over 4 years later still amazing. We simply enjoy each other in our moments together. Like Gracie,sometimes I may not see him for 2 weeks but we do text or talk daily. The only expectation we have is that we keep ourselves healthy enough to have sex till we are 90.

harrie, I do not believe being a friends with benefits is belittling. I think the stereotypes of TOW should be questioned. Some of us are not waiting for our MM to leave his wife. But our relationship is essential to our health and,as strange as it sounds, to the longevity of the marriage. I entered into this affair with my eyes wide open and I have never felt used for sex. I understand the perceptions of society,the taboo of an extramarital affair,however, maybe it just should not be an issue.

Kelki, me too! I found mine on an adult dating site. I never expected to find someone stable, smart, and in the same situation as me (not there). We met and "dated" for probably 2 months before we actually had sex. We have a deep friendship first. I too hope this continues long into old age . . just the way it is!

Ok Harrie, I'll play.
1 - when I have a friend with benefits then the word Friend is written with a capitol F. Friend first. How is that belittling? I have many friends of both gender, are you suggesting that I am belittling all of them merely by being friends with them?
2 - I do not compartmentalize. I am who I am, I am the same person in all places, my friends know each other and my feelings for each and any of them are not compartmentalized from each other.
3 - I feel very sorry for you that you feel like a substitute sex provider. You need to pick your lovers more carefully.
4 - how dare you call my friends 'tramps'? We all have respectful and genuinely affectionate relationships between grown up people.

You are making way too many assumptions. And you are placing inappropriate value judgments based on said assumptions.

I've been used by women, but because of that I do not go around saying that all women are just after my money, all women only want me for sex or all women don't really want sex but just pretend so they can have a man look after their material needs and wants (all stupid sexist put-downs I have had to read through this last week, made by men hurt by their wives).
You've done a similar thing to me. Please examine your assumptions and do not be so hasty to judge others on insufficient data.
All my friends are treated with respect, and loved. Males and females. Otherwise they would not be my friends. I don't see myself as able even to go out there and have one-night-stands, sleep with prostitutes or people whom I do not have a relationship, a friendship with first and foremost. And I just happen to know for a fact that I am not alone in that, from a male perspective.
Not every man is an insensitive exploitative lout, just like not every woman is a greedy selfish *****.

peace, -P.

No I do not think you are belittling all friends that you have and unless your wife knows of your FWB relationships YOU are in fact compartmentalizing your life. NOT all women want to be known as a FWB, it belittles the love we feel for the men who happen to be married. It generalizing ALL MM want “a bit on the side” and go home to their wives, which I do believe is the definition of a FWB. I really don’t care how many FWB you have, what bothers me is your comment is on a forum that is designed to help women who are experiencing a very painful situation and trolls who frequent this forum to reinforce these men are using us for sex, because they will not leave their wives. BTW I have never felt as if I was a sexual substitute, my MM loved me as I loved him, I never had a string of married lovers, I was exclusive to one man who happened to be married. I will not contribute to the forum your frequent because I have no understanding of a sexless marriage if you FEEL the need to contribute furthermore to this forum please think before you comment.

Cannot be said any better!

Thank you Gracie!

I have had to conquer lots of trolls regarding my Ansis Nin attitude portrayed in this post. You are more than welcome to join me!

I live to battle trolls and will happily stand by your side!! We are very much alike from what I have read (so happy to have found this site). I too am the "other woman" . . . I think the trolls like destiny above need to examine why they feel the way they do . . . I am betting she is "throwing stones in a glass house"

WOW . . finally read through the bottom of all the posts. You have taken some serious hits for an excellent piece of writing. It seems to me that the hysterics are all by people unwilling to look inside their marriages and do what it takes to make it complete (yes, that includes sex). My lover and I are in the same exact situation as you . . to the "T". We give EACH other what the other is lacking and expect nothing from the relationship but that. It is satisfying, wholesome and a whole lot more. If we both were getting even and "inkling" of what we need from our spouses . . we wouldn't have ended up in each other's arms. I harbor no ill will against his wife, nor he regarding my husband. I am not jealous of what she has that I don't because I feel I have the best part. I do not need a sugar daddy, I AM a confidant, independent, smart, well educated woman who has willingly chosen her own destiny. He is the same, smart, educated, well traveled, well spoken. We are friends and companions first, lovers second. Sex is not the only reason we are together, often times our contact is only a long afternoon stroll, while holding hands. I will take EVERY moment I can, I have NO regrets, I have NEVER felt that he is only "using me" for sex, nor I him. It simply "is what it is" and it is a beautiful thing.

Yea some people are pretty rude. I have no regrets at all. What I find so crazy is some of these people do not even agree but they are still classy. These trolling women are some other breed. You have to wonder about the skeletons in their closets.

I do not know Ray enlighten me!!

Gracie, beautifully written yourself. I do hope that one day I may find another woman just like you, or Kelki, in my life.
There are some things that my wife just does not have in her, even though we are affectionate, best buddies and walk through town hand in hand ... passion seems to overwhelm her and send her into panic mode and sex is not of interest to her :-
I, on the other hand, have a lot of passion in me, pent up for the last 10 years and more ....

-P.

They were artists and models, Ray.Am I correct?

>>>Whatever the origin of the relationship, Lear and Dali were to remain close for the next two decades. 'I knew nothing when I first met him,' she admitted before Dali's death. 'He taught me to see things through his eyes.' Between summer stints at Dali's home in Cadaques, she would return to London. 'I was a bit disenchanted,' she observed, 'because I had just left a genius and found myself passing the joint with someone in the King's Road who was talking nonsense about changing the world.

Lear, who once acknowledged her interest in one-night stands with the comment 'five hours is all you need with anyone', went on from Jones to move in with David Bowie. In fact, Bowie is one of the few men whom Lear has ever referred to as a 'lover'. Subsequently she was also linked with Bryan Ferry, having appeared as the cover girl on Roxy Music's For Your Pleasure album <<<
Gods, I didn't remember Lear until you dropped the name - long forgotten.
Had no idea that (s)he was best buddies with Dali. Apparently a bunch of Dali paintings went up in smoke when Lear's house in France burned down.

Sometimes I think my passion is taboo! At least others seem to view it as such.

Sounds like she was a wild woman.

Actually, Ray, Picasso was. He was in a more or less cold sexless marriage (albeit with two kids iirc) and the sexlessness was his choice. Moreover, he was a minute detail control freak in his marital home.
At the same time he had a number of mistresses, basically he plugged anything with compatible plumbing that was willing to go along.

I admire his genius as a painter, but I think, as a man, he was a swine.

-P.

Ahh thank you P! But you know one of these judgemental women is going to call you names.

Dang it Ray! I just had to Google Amanda Lear and those videos of her and David Bowie made my ears hurt....not too mention the disco songs. She certainly wasn't a great voice.

There are so many literal thinkers on this site! Once again, this post is lyrical. My main objective was to write about the sad state of a sexless marriage and how a spouse can change that and become like another woman or another man. Let me clarify this! I am not angry with his wife! I am not angry with my husband! This post is about people with different priorities in their lives. Many people are happy in a sexless marriage and their spouses.... not so much.....I happen to believe sex is an integral part of my life.

Please do not let your leftover anger spill into every story told by every other woman in this group! Their path is different than yours.

You would think she would post on stories in which someone cares what she has to say. Maybe it is herself she has the issue with...

If my STBX had had an affair, I would have been more astonished than hurt.
"My Gods! you actually WANTED sex!"
...Just sayin' :p

Trust me, I have spent many hours thinking about it. If my husband was having an affair, I would have been the one to suggest it. I do not beleive I would have let him hurt like this for so long and try to pretend all is ok. One of the reasons I do not leave is because he is a lonely soul and he is not such a burden as he is a avoider.

He does feel because he does not want sex, it is him, not me. The difference is that he does not want to change that. I can only be there for him in the capacity that I am, a marriage based on plantonic friendship! The thought to have an affair was harder than the action. BTW, I have pretty sure he knows of the affair and chooses to ignore. It's that he is not a priority ,he is,but I cannot give him all he needs without getting that one thing I need.