I Was The Other Woman; Read If You Want To Walk Away

I'm 29 years old and I live and own a house with my boyfriend of 11 years.

About 2 years about I became involved romantically with my co-worker, a married man with three young children. I still work with him very closely with this man...but about two months ago I completely walked away from the situation, and I'm so happy I did.

I was completely in LOVE with him. There are qualities that pseudonym "John" has that I honestly still am in love with. Our romance progressed slowly over 4 years. We were first just friends, but it slowly evolved into love. At first he pursued me just physically and I rejected him several times--partly because we work together but more so because of my current boyfriend, who I do still love.

Eventually I became weak to his pursuits and we became physical for about 16 months. He wrote me love letters, called me daily, sent me thousands of texts. I always looked forward to going to work, to see his smile, to laugh with him, , to love and "live" my life fuller. We spent many nights together, and met in secret to spend time together outside of work. I was completely in love, and so was he. I remember saying often "I've never felt this way before. This is different. He is my soul mate." John spoke often of leaving his wife, and I spoke of leaving my boyfriend. We were drawn to one other because we saw traits in one another that our current spouses just didn't have. To a certain degree--I still think this is true.

About 4 months ago, he told his wife he had feelings for me and wanted a divorce. He expected her to be just devastated and walk away, but she was determined to make it work and go to counseling. "John" was very torn because although he was not "in love" with his wife, he does still care for her. John waffled back and forth--but remained true and honest with me about how he was still crazy about me. However, one fact still remained: he was still with his wife, despite her continues moments of "kicking him out."

I thought of walking away dozens of times...but I told myself "just hold on a little longer...give him time....he/I need more time." I mainly didn't want to walk away though because I didn't want face the hurt and devastation of losing a man I was in love with.

Finally, about 2 months ago, I told him I was tired of waiting, tired of the jealousy, tired of the hurt, and most of all, tired of being unhappy.

The realization that I was actually UNHAPPY during the 16 month affair was an awakening moment for me. Yes, there were amazing "highs" where I felt like I could do ANYTHING. John made me feel beautiful, intelligent, funny, unique and loved. However, along with these incredible highs were the darkest of lows...incredible sadness for betraying, lying, and hurting my boyfriend (who eventually found out) and not actually having the "real" love that I wanted--John. My life was a ROLLERCOASTER, but overall of was UNHAPPY, anxious, nervous and not fullfilled both emotionally, physically and psychologically.

Walking away was devastating, but I have to say that I am far LESS sad than I thought I would be. (THERAPY has helped A LOT.) The anticipation of saddness/depression is far WORSE than what I actually feel.  Still, I cried in secret for weeks, dreaded going to work because I didn't want to face "him."  I torn up my diary in tears, and spend many drives crying around my neighborhood mourning the loss who I once thought was "the love of my life."

Since walking away, John has attempted several times to get me back into his life. He has emailed me, written me letters, and expressed how he misses me and still is unhappy in his marriage. In the beginning, I was weak to his attempts and succumbed a little to his pursuits. However, because he is still with his wife, I have remained strong in my decision to walk away. I eventually realized that John will NEVER leave his wife, but he still wanted me in his (however small it was---whether it was flirting, or being physical here and there) which is why he has continued to contact me/keep me close in his life. Once I realized this, I saw him as weak and selfish, and I felt EMPOWERED to find happiness in different way.

The only way the affair would end was if I was the one who ended it; it took a while, but eventually I was STRONG enough to do it.

Since walking away, I have begun to try to repair my current relationship, which wasn't completely broken to begin with. Our relationship has become "better" but we still have a lot to work on. Since immersing myself in my current boyfriend, I have started to appreciate traits in him that I believe I was completely blind to before. I've also now appreciate traits in my boyfriend that John just never had.

When I think about how my life would have been if John had left his wife, I'm SO happy it didn't turn out that way. My life would have been a DISASTER. I would have been vilified by his wife's family, by my friends and colleagues at work,  by my friends, my current boyfriend's family etc. My honest and respected reputation at work would have been tarnished, and I would have been unjustly labeled as a "homewrecker"---even though John is the one who ruined his marriage, not me. Not to mention, I don't think I could have EVER REALLY trusted John. I honestly don't think our relationship would have lasted through the chaos of our circumstances.

Do I still love John? Yes. (I'm being honest)

Are there times when I miss him? Absolutely. (You can't just turn those feelings off)

Are there times when I wish he would contact me? yes (I'm human)

Do I sometimes become weak to his flirtations? They are less and less every day.

Am I happy in my current relationship? The progress is slow but steady.

Am I unhappy/sad/depressed/anxious anymore? NO!!!

My advice to those still in relationships with married men is this:

1) There ARE situations where men leave their wives for their mistresses. However, if he truly wants to be with you, he will leave his wife. If this doesn't occur within a few months - year MAX - it most likely will never happen.

2) You don't see how messed up the situation is while you are in it. It isn't until now that I see HOW MANY people are involved, and how difficult it would have been for John to actually leave.

3) It wasn't until AFTER I walked away when I realized how demeaning the whole situation was. I was always SECOND--but I deserved to be FIRST!!!

4) You will never find TRUE happiness being the other woman; you will be UNHAPPY. (bouts of highs, yes, but overall unhappy)

5) Walking away can be an empowering experience. You will find strength you never thought you had.

6) The only way you will find happiness with another man/woman, is it you completely LET GO of the married man.

7) Find a good therapist. I have been seeing one for the past 8 months--he's the one who actually gave me the courage and insight to walk away.

8) If you and your married man are meant to be together, it will happen. Have Faith.

I still struggle with this "dark side" of my life every day. John is still "trying" to keep me in his life (which I actually resent now!!! Go figure!!)

I'm still trying to mend my current relationship and find happiness with my boyfriend. Even though I'm not sure if it will work out, I'm CERTAIN that walking away from John is the best thing I could have done.

I'm MUCH MORE HEALTHY now than I was not too long ago!!!

marygold1983 marygold1983 26-30, F 140 Responses Apr 9, 2012

Your Response


Oh my gosh...I'm in a similar situation and don't know how to get out of this! I have strong feelings for him but I love my fiance and we are getting married in 3 months...feeling like a horrible fiance :(....I come back and read this article almost everyday for motivation so thank you for writing this! Any further advice would be soooo welcomed :)

I have the same experience until now. He promised the same thing that he will leave his wife because he doesn't love her anymore, but the problem is the custody of his two kids. So there was no divorce happened, he told that I have to wait for 5 years or more so his kids decide whether they still want him or not. It would have been okay if his wife agrees to let him see the kids, but the wife disagrees to let him leave her. Now, I don't know what to do. I love you him too much that it hurts.

I'm in an akward position. I am 19 and I just recently started having an affair with a married man. I'm cheating on my boyfriend who is lazy and frankly a child. It starts over text and then over a few weeks became more. We haven't slept together yet. I don't know that I'm ready to go that far. I know him and his wife personally and she never shows him any affection or acts like a wife at all. She just doesn't care about him. He says he is about to get a divorce and I believe him I'm just unsure at this point. He says he wants a woman who will love him and be a wife and give him children and she does none of the above. What should I do it's driving me crazy!!

Don't have affairs with married men. If they're married and haven't already left their wives to be with you , that means that they don't want you. There is no getting around that. There's no competing with a man's wife for his affection. Also, if he cheated on his wife, he will cheat on you. Lastly, just be single. We're living in the last days, so things like relationships are irrelevant, anyway.

Don't have affairs with married men. If they're married and haven't already left their wives to be with you , that means that they don't want you. There is no getting around that. There's no competing with a man's wife for his affection. Also, if he cheated on his wife, he will cheat on you. Lastly, just be single. We're living in the last days, so things like relationships are irrelevant, anyway.

I am facing a similar dilemma - except, I am single. I am a body, within somebodies, and it is hard to cope. I am in a double-situation like that... except, the other one is a bit NSA. Anyway, your post stirred up in me, a few unresolved feelings, but at the end of the day, I am of one-mind. I don't want to be involved in a relationship, nor do I want a relationship of my own. The trouble comes when I am constantly being reminded of past nothings. I can't, for the life of me, see how anyone can justify loving someone when there's never been any recognizable, considerable effort on anyone's part; to be with me until I was "hooked". Unfortunately, I am not innocent either, I've done my fair share of enticement.

I now understand that relationships aren't for this world - and that's what I struggle with the most. I mean, how does one deal with impending death, not knowing, exactly, what awaits in the hereafter, when they haven't lived. When they've never really experienced love. No, I don't want anyone's pity, and no I don't want attention, but if ever there was any question on anyone's part about how I feel now, then there's the answer.

In the past, I was content to just "try out" relationships until I found the right person, but I would rather risk not being in a relationship, than be part of a relationship - actually, I was never one to be in a relationship to just be in a relationship, but in the end, I faltered. I risked being in a relationship with someone I wasn't sure of, and ended up paying for it, because I thought I had time. But now I would much rather be single, seeing as we're living in the last days. Also, I was fooled into thinking he (the guy I really loved) would actually leave his wife to be with me. Actually, I didn't really believe that he was married, I thought he was just looking for excuses not to be with me, and being the fool that I am, I still pursued him, anyway. That was my mistake. You know, had I known this before, I would never have even liked him, but in the end, I was enticed by his enigma and looks.

So here I am, sitting at my computer, typing this for the people that matter to see, and completely miserable, because I have made my decision. It is one that I battle with everyday, but my mind is made up. I don't want to be in a relationship. I am content to just live, until I die. What a fool I am! I mean, almost everything I had done, from the moment I met him, to the moment I realized that I had been played was to woo him. I should have listened to my brother who said that I shouldn't pursue men.

The title intrigued me, so I read your story. I have been the "wife". I won't dissect your letter which I find highly hypocritical. I could just destroy it point by point. My only comment would be in regard to your sentence "even though John is the one who ruined his marriage, not me. " Sorry. Own it too. If a woman becomes a married man's lover by deception (where the man doesn't divulge that he is married or claims he is "separated"), there is room for forgiveness. but if you know a man is married and is a father, you participate to ruining his relationship and family. Not to say that it wouldn't have fallen apart with another mistress, but knowing he was married you TOO brought great misery to a married couple's life and that of their children. You hurt another woman very deeply. In fact I have zero empathy for your pain as it is nothing compared to the suffering you have created in someone else's heart. If your therapist hasn't helped you to visualize yourself in another woman's shoes (who had qualities the way your boyfriend had after all and but both of you were too selfish to even notice) and tell yourself:" here is a married man, I'm not going there, final", then find yourself another shrink.

Gilgnot: I wrote my open letter on this blog to explain why what I did was the biggest mistake of my life, and to hopefully help others in my situation, not to be criticized. If you are going through any pain, I do truly hope that it passes.

If you read my response carefully, I DO claim responsibility for what happened, ---if I didn't, why would I tell everyone on this blog about it?! Being involved with a married man was demeaning, stressful, unhealthy and outright wrong. I DO claim responsibility in the affair; however, I am not responsible for ALL of it. Oftentimes, women in my situation are blamed ENTIRELY for the affair. We are often labeled "home-wreckers" etc. The "other women" often receive the brunt of the criticism, and the wives often forgive their husbands, displacing hatred solely on "the other woman." Meanwhile, I was NOT the one married!! I didn't break any marriage vows!! A married man pursued me, a married man manipulated me, a married man lied to me (and his wife and children), and still does to this day. The married man lied and manipulated his wife, kids...I was NOT in THAT relationship. If it wasn't me, it would have been another sad young girl.

Please understand that once I "saw the light," I cut off contact completely, changed my job at work (so he couldn't contact me so much), changed my phone number, and pretty much told him I didn't want any sort of relations with him. I went to therapy (and still go to therapy!!), and have been a MUCH happier and healthier person ever since I exited that "dark" stage of my life.

To close... I'll use your words, not mine: Try to "visualize yourself in another woman's shoes." Maybe try to visualize yourself in MY shoes?!? Am I a victim? Absolutely not. I partook, I lied, I was wrong. However, I was also manipulated and controlled by a complete sociopath, who still pursues me (and others I'm sure) while in his "unhappy marriage" to this day....only this time, I'm strong and wise enough to how to handle it.

Also - I don't need your empathy anyway. I'm confident and happy in the changes I've made and I gained plenty of strength from helping other women leave unhealthy relationships to lead healthier lives. (I've actually spoken to and helped quite a few women who are being cheated on by their husbands--go figure!)

Anyway, thanks for listening Gilgnot, I hope you find happiness if you haven't found it already!

I am a wife and trust me marriage is difficult, and when life gets tough men can be cowards they run to others to numb the pain- instead of facing reality. You must have been a rebound,a fantasy,maybe he loved you bec. with you life is easy,no real life problems,no obligations, he can have his high with you, without the obligations. but given that he never left his wife says a lot. If he said he cant leave her out of pity is just a big LIE,obviously he wont tell you the truth about his personal life, in fact he will make stories to destroy his wife and gain your sympathy. He knows your both living a lie,the fact that he knows you have a bf on the side while your with him makes him put you in a diff. Category as his wife. You both have lied and are not loyal and that will always weigh on him. Plus i'm sure he recognizes that his wife and children are his real home, he wont take a risk of loosing his real family,these are people he sees in his future.
Think about it, If its really you, nothing and no one really matters.
I believe you have made the best decision. You will never fully trust him if you guys ended up together, note he fell in love with his wife and married her yet he cheated; he would do much more with you once reality sinks in. Also, do consider the wife's feelings after all you are a woman too. What if this happens to you?
Girl, let him go, a relationship built on lies is not the foundation you want. Build your self worth, don't dwell on those feelings its just not worth it, you deserve someone better someone you can truly call yours.

Exgames: I have moved on and never looked back! 2.5 years and counting. Hardly recognize who I was back then. Happily married now :)

The old MM still wants a friendship, but I can't even tolerate that.. Too disgusted by him and that dark phase of my life. I'm sure he's still unhappily married but that's not my concern.

Thanks for the reply! Hear you loud and clear!!!

Thank you for writing this. I'm sure I'm going to get a lot of how bad of a person I am but here goes nothing. I was 15,he was 18 when we met and went out. We broke up but for 23 years we've has this on & off again relationship. He was my first love and our paths kept crossing but this time its been 6 years straight and I need to say goodbye for good. 2 years ago I walked away for over a year and thought this is it screw him this is wrong I can't keep doing this to myself n all the people we both love but all it took was a weak moment for him to message me and say call me I need to talk to you and I did and back at it again for a few more years. Your article has made me realize even note that I his needs to end and I'm going to do it right now. Thank you.

Good for you shadowx76! You will not regret it. I'm 2.5 years and going strong!!!

My boyfriend is still married and going through a divorce now. When I met him he had just moved out of there house they owned together. We slept together the first night we met and immedietly grew strong feelings for eachother. A month after knowing him I moved in with him into the house he was renting. He had a three year old daughter with his wife which is how she found out about me. She then wanted him back constantly calling and texting him doing anything she could to fight for him. She talked massive crao on him to me and tried to get me to leave. They split up because he cheated in the past and after his deployments he turned into a drunk. She then went and had an affair and that led to them splitting up. But now I live with him and as they are going through this divorce he has had thoughts about going back to her for their daughter. I even found out that he had kissed her a couple weeks ago to see if he still had feelings for her. Which he told me he didn't and now he is fully committed to me and that he just got confused while going through this divorce. Let me just say they have been married for 10 years. I am not wondering if I can trust him or if this is all just a game to him? I need advice....

Kayhat36; I don't know you personally, but as an objective opinion, it sounds like you are in a very unhealthy relationship. I personally would wait until the divorce is over to continue any sort of relationship with him. Do you really think you can even trust him?? I totally get that you love him, but it sounds like you walked into a complete mess!! (his divorce, wife etc.) I would back off until the storm settles---I'm sure you will have a clearer picture them of what to do.

John is a jerk. (ThT is the G rated version)I am so proud of you for making the (very difficult) choice to walk away!I don't know if you realize this or not, don't mean to sound insulting if you do, but when it comes to Johns wife - you can rest assured that everything John told you was somewhere around 80-99% fabricated sprinkled with self pitty and manipulation.Something to remember should you ever need to comfort a friend who has found herself in love as "the other woman" or god forbid YOU ever have to deal with a husband who has temporarily lost their mind and forgotten you are the best thing that has ever happen to them!!Best of luck to you!!

BeenThereDoneThatt: I totally agree with you! You are SO right - so many things he said to his wife were probably fabricated. I was so young and naive. I WILL remember that advice down the road. Thank you!!

I am a 21 yr old and he just recently turned 35. Ive never loved any one the way I love him. He told me he wasn't happy in his marriage and that he was settling with the life that he had. Before me and him even thought about eachother or even letting each other know our feelings he was trying to have kids with his wife. Than one day I resided to tell him how I felt. At first he was scared to even consider being in a relationship with me. I showed up at his house one day when his wife was out of town and thats how it all started. He stoped being with his wife etc....he would tell me how he slept on the sofa every night even before we started talking and how things with his wife we bad for awhile. 4 months into our relationship he tells me that his wife was pregnant with twins (no lie). I thought a piece of my soul had died that day. I couldnt breathe or even look at him. He explained to me that his wife had a miscarriage months before and didnt tell him that she was pregnant bc she thought she was going to have another miscarriage. Weeks and months passed and I still felt horrible about every thing going on. I was preparing myself for the worse. On march 24th the girls were born and I thought I had lost my mind. I cried for hours and days. For awhile I could not recognize myself but i still stood by him. Its now going on 9 months and till this day we have never had a date. He still lives in the same house as her. He still tells me the same thing. ...that hes trying to get his **** together so when it does happen hes prepared. Nothing has really changed except that his kids are born. How can I love him so much. He comes over 3 times a week for an hr or two to hang out or sleep together. He always talks about a future together. He makes me feel so wonderful but at the same time terrible. Im lonely at night. I use to come over and sleep over when his wife was out of town but I cant any more bc of the kids. How do I let go. I have no friends. I lost the guy I loved bc I chose to persue a married man and now theres no turning back. How long do I have to suffer be cry...


All I can say to you is: I HAVE BEEN THERE!!!!! Are there cases where men leave their lives!? Yes. However, I don't think things look good for you, especially since he just had two little girls. The highs and lows you discuss are EXACTLY how I felt...but you are worth so much more than that! You deserve to be HAPPY----not manipulated (and can I say used?!) by a man. I'm sure he loves you, but the reality remains: he is still married and sleeps with his wife.

On a positive note: I can't tell you how many NEW friends I made once I cut off ties with my MM. I was so closed off, rigid, unhappy--truly lost when with him. Parting ways with him opened doors for me I never thought possible.

As someone who has truly been in your shoes, I think you need to completely break ties. You will be MISERABLE for a while...months, maybe longer . I say this because it's a normal reaction, don't feel like you are crazy or out of control if you are that upset. Crank up the motivational music, cry, see a therapist, and celebrate a new beginning of your life!

It does GET BETTER! I promise. Therapy, new friends, and getting myself out there truly helped. And a good therapist!!!

Maybe he's the type of guy that needs to lose you in order to move forward?!?! My MM was truly living in an idealized fantasy world about what his life would be like with me...sounds very similar to your MM....

Stand up. Be strong...and move on sister! If he loves you, I can guarantee there are MANY MORE that will!

I want to thank Dr okun for the
love spell he did for me that
brought my ex boyfriend back to
me within 2days. My lover broke
up with me 7months ago I tried
everything I could to have him
back but nothing works till I read
online how Dr okun has helped
others to reunite their broken
relationship so I decided to
contact him to help me out. After
Dr okun cast the spell my ex
boyfriend came back to me
within a shot period of 48hours,
ever since he came back he now
treat me with so much love and
respect What I have tried so
much for, was just fix within
48hours. In case you have been
with a broken heart and you
want your ex back just contact
the same man Via his email
contact him to help you reunite
your broken relationship

Well am in this situation he comes back to me he divorcing her marrying me than goes back to her than same over a period of time this time he claims he has divorced her and has nothing to do with her uh huh he expects me believe that I asked him to do
Simple thing to prove he not with her and his other exs he refused so there I sent him my heartfelt nasty texts to him told him all done and now hoping to move on. I caught him lying again oh all the promises all the oaths he took nothing all zero so I finished it once for awhile he claims I the only one for him yet he is very discreet and always giving excuse he going here and there during his break when I remember vividly this is same way how he met me too during his break gave up on him cause it was Causing me suffering and he hey he has his other women if not me than another playboy he is who needs him as life partner yes god opens doors if I close the other and hoping and having faith I will find the guy I can find peace and love with amen

I need help, I'll make my story short. I'm 25 and he's 32
I met this MM at the lowest point of his life, he had nothing, he was a bankrupt, his wife despise him, and he felt unloved.
It so happen that I was there and we both clicked, we tried our best to fulfil the needs of each other. He looks after me as if he was my mother, my father and he treats me like a princess. One day he himself informed his wife about our relationship, I was shocked I didn't even want his wife to know. He even filed a divorce to his wife already. Now a month after the wife knew about us, she moved out from their house, leaving their daughter with him. We had a great time after that, we have all the time we want. and we always spend time together.

Now, after a few months the wife decided to fight for him. Her first attempt was not successful. yet after a few weeks she tried again. She was asking him to stop the divorce since she will be getting a new property and while the divorce is on process, she would be having a hard time getting the property. Now my MM is having problem looking after his daughter since he is now starting to grow his business back. One time we had a fought he decided to call his wife and asked her to come back home to look after their daughter. Now she is back at home and I was caught unprepared for this situation. He said he no longer love his wife and asked me to just go with the flow and he will handle things.

I am so sad the past days knowing that his wife is back at home. I don't know what to do. He would just assure me that this will end soon, that he really wants to be with me. he even always introduce me to his friends and new acquaintances as his wife.
Now I don't know where should I stand, should I let him go and walk away as early as now or should I wait and see what's going to happen next.

I'm going through this at the moment so this was a good read, but all situations are different.

What I don't understand is why you are still with your current boyfriend?. If he was right for you the affair wouldn't have happened, the fact you're still building your relationship back up proves you just aren't right for each other.

I just feel reading this you don't want to be alone so desperately trying to re-build your relationship with someone you don't respect enough to stay faithful too, especially as you'd been together so long, living with each other, and things obviously weren't right.

I'm certainly not having a go, but why don't you find a guy that makes your heart and mind race like your lovers did, and leave your boyfriend to find a girl that truly loves him and will stay faithful, a girl he maybe happier with?.

I'm saying this from first hand experience, I left my boyfriend whom I lived with in the end, you have got to look at the root cause and much of my affair was the result of a relationship at home not as fulfilling and happy as it should be, I tried to make it work time and again, lots of money, pain and stress, but it didn't work. My lover says he will leave his wife, but if he doesn't I'm not running back to my ex, despite the fact we were 95% right for each other, it wasn't enough, and there must be someone new out there that is more compatible.

I think you probably need to move on from your lover (no, after 4 years he isn't going anywhere, it's called having you cake!) and also your boyfriend, start afresh, something new, open new doors and close old ones, both relationships aren't right and to find one that is you need to let go.

Saying that, thanks for this read, I'm about 6 months into the promises to leave, I did the 'right' thing and ended it with my bf, as true love doesn't mean 3 people are in the relationship and he deserves to find someone new. My lover has a kids, business and financial stuff to sort out and build up but I've said no more than a year, as as you've mentioned, too much jealousy, hurt, loneliness at points and it really is an emotional rollercoaster.

Never worry about being seen as the woman that has wrecked a family, people don't know what goes on behind closed doors. My lover lives with someone that is insecure and quite nasty and has put him through hell in the past, he was deeply unhappy and with someone with such confidence and intelligence, his partner just kicked him down. My ex bf was the same, low self esteem put onto me,
and we found we had something in common. Whether we had met or not, both wouldn't be staying with the current partners anyway, it just happens that we met. We will try and make it as easy for all as possible, he kids come first and I will do my best, I'm no home wrecker and feel I can provide a stable and loving home for his kids and also his family. That will be better than his youngest growing up, watching her parents argue, her Dad be unhappy and hearing the nasty words coming out her Mums mouth - in the long run that will be more damaging than a split and step parents being wonderful additions.

I want to thank Dr okun for the
love spell he did for me that
brought my ex boyfriend back to
me within 2days. My lover broke
up with me 7months ago I tried
everything I could to have him
back but nothing works till I read
online how Dr okun has helped
others to reunite their broken
relationship so I decided to
contact him to help me out. After
Dr okun cast the spell my ex
boyfriend came back to me
within a shot period of 48hours,
ever since he came back he now
treat me with so much love and
respect What I have tried so
much for, was just fix within
48hours. In case you have been
with a broken heart and you
want your ex back just contact
the same man Via his email
contact him to help you reunite
your broken relationship

Thats good that you left him. You deserve better.

I have to remember that I too am told even by my kids mom you not only deserve better you surely can get better because you are all that and don't let any man treat you any different if a married man can fall in love yet say he
Loves his wife Should tell me all yes I hurt so so deep I too would hear his sweet voice mails every night oh saved them all but I had to delete them all for it made me feel I was doing wrong when In true sense he the wrong one so deleted it all and hoping to get over it soon and build my life again with the broken pieces hope to be ME again the once upon a time happy single girl with fulfilled life now feels this man destroyed it all I pray to The Lord I get my strength back to be ME and have a
Fulfilled life and I will find my true sincere love again amen

I am in the same situation. He says he is there "for the kids". How long do i put up with it. I love this man like i have never loved before. I think i have never really loved anyone. He is everything i have dreamed of and hoped for. Love like this people search all their lives and never find it. I had the chance to do so. I don't want to let it go but it is hurting at the same time as feeling good.

I was with my MM for 5 ½ yrs. That has been his excuse the whole time. He needs to stay for the kids. I assume until they are 18 ? I finally gave up. I moved on. Most likely he will not leave at all. You should find the strength to move on. Quit putting your life on hold for him.

Thankyou :) I was involved in a similar situation for the past 6 months and finally had the strength to break it off last week. Just as a thought i was regretting my decision and believing that i could ''do it'' i stumbled across your story! so thank you

Beautiful!!!! Thank you...These are the exact feelings ive been meditating on. Understading I am unhappy with him and without him. Now I miss him so much but it's no diffrent cuz I did before. So your right if we are meant to be it will happen but that is up to him now.

My girlfriend recently left me and I was completely blown away, I was depressed, emotional and my self-esteem was gone. I reacted like most of us do by begging, arguing, pressing and trying to convince her to come back and things would be different. I was being ruled by my emotions. This spell caster Dr.OBODO helped me get on the situation and right now she is back totally to my aim again.Anyone who is going through this with someone they love can benefit from his spell E-mail:
cell: +2348155425481.
Thanks again!!"

Christian Root

Wow,I just got more insight on my own situation. The honesty is great. Im 37 been in a bad marriage for 10 yrs.My hearts been breaking and not willing to let go of him at the same time. We are both married so I know I'm willing to risk everything for him. I've got 2 small children he has 2 teenagers. His wife has been unfaithful multiple times. He seemed so sure and she of course starting doing the right thing and wanted to try. He felt awful and I feel crushed. I understand him trying because I'm in the same situation. We were highschool sweethearts and have known we were connected always. Its killing me to think about walking away. I've only physically seen him once and I keep thing if I see him one more time maybe I'll know. Sad I know. I saw him about a month ago after waiting to make sure what I felt was pure and not feelings from the past. So since this started its been almost 7-8 months and my cut off is a year. Its starting to hurt missing him but it feels amazing too because the love I feel is more pure than anything I've ever felt. I'm so afraid of regretting walking away but its hurting not knowing if I'll ever be first? I won't pressure if he feels the same he won't be able to stay away,so well see.


I was involved with a married man for a few months. I never thought I'd stoop so low. But I did. It took a little while til he was able to break down my walls. He did so much for me at work. He said sweet things to me. Did whatever i needed help with. I thought we became good friends. we would have talks. He even told me he fell in love with me. He was very persistent and aggressive, and i eventually started to fall for him. he made me feel special. one day he started to gently grab my hands, rub into me while he passed by. i pulled away but he still tried to caress me hands. Then out of nowhere when we were alone he kissed me but i pulled away. from there things got intense between us. even if i told him no he'd still touch me in areas. ofcourse i liked it because i cared about him but icouldnt see myself seeing a married man. it went against everthing i believed in. Rather than doing what i knew to to be right. I followed my heart. (Which lead me into a deep ditch) My mind said no but my body and my heart said go for it. i thought i loved him so I started allowing him to kiss me and so much more. Then the first night we slept together his wife pops up when we're finished and I freaked the hell out. even before i knew she was there. I knew something was off. (besides the fact that he was married.) Everything inside of me was telling me to go home. But my flesh faught against it. So as i was saying the wife was there. And she ended up talking to me. and telling me everything was fine and that We could be cool and she said we should hang out.Now tgat was just the oddest situation ive ever been in. It went from sleeping withher husband to her wanting to be my friend. I thought they were swingers but they've never done that before. I thought i was crazy but that S*** was crazy. So we were okay for awhile. but i couldnt be friends with the wife of the man i was so disgustingly in love with. it was just weird. (now the wife and i arent speaking anymore but.she knows something is goin on)Now this guy wants to have a kid with me. idk this whole situation is so twisted. Im starting to wonder if he does this all the time. what really makes me so angry is the fact that i always fall for his lies. Hes such a good liar. And sometimes when i know hes lying, i still almost believe him. He has such a strong hold over me and I hate it. I want to go back to normal but its so difficult. this situation i got myself into ruinned my life, my thoughts. Its hard to be that innocent girl i used to be when all i think about is him. i want my life back.

Stop stop there right now get away from him he is a liar and player and his wife is ok hey I was in that situation too she became manipulative dominating and in the end you will be dumped and he will go back to her hey why not She allows him to sleep around which man will dump that *****. Get yourself out of it all dear no babies from him he doing this to tie you down than it will be more him and her and other woman while your pregnant body begins to take shape get out now you still so young don't you want walk down the aisle and see a man who truly sincerely loves and respects you and is hundred percent single and hundred percent your husband only ? I know I still dream of it and it will happen I will find that man get out now before you get caught in their web of dirty games

You want your life back is exactly how I felt I want my life back I want that happy me back. I questioned myself if he is the right man for me how come I so stressed and unhappy how come my gut feelings telling me this is not right he using you playing you show him you have self worth and respect yourself and finally I ended it with him few days back I feel devastated but what keeps me going is my goal and my aim to get my life back and no one can destroy that my life is in my hands no man can take control of it and destroy it

UPDATE: Just short of two years after writing my story, I have successfully moved on!!! I recently married my boyfriend of almost 14 years, who has been with me through the good times and the bad. Honestly, strength, therapy, love, and time have healed all wounds.

For those women who feel hopeless, you CAN move on - I am living proof!!!!

Yes you have moved ok but two years oh desr sounds so long for treacherous pain I know I did the right thing I hate it when these married men makes us want to believe we the one who wronged or their wives say the same I found out he was sleeping with his best friend when married to her she knew it yet stayed in marriage and get this befriended his best friend but when same happened to me hell broke loose I the criminal wow god this man suck all the blood and strength out of me and thought he could do it again by showing up asking to rekindle but on his terms hell no he can claim he is divorced but with his history don't want anything do with this anymore I just wish I had stood firm and not give him more chances. Stupid word love sure is blind ignore all red flags and negative signs

do what your heart says

Help! I am the other woman and am trying to walk away. This one has the unique twise of being the fellow that broke up with me first when we were 18. And thern again at 19. And then again at 22.

I am now 44 and he came back into my live 6 months ago. And made all sorts of promises. Got mad at me when I didn't trust he wasn't there to break up with me again. He promised to leave his wife in April. Then all of the sudden, claims he can't. That he needs to stay another 2 years until his stepson finishes school. He said the I love yous first. He talked about us "belonging together" first. Not me.

I always felt that we were good together. Even 25 years ago. I speant the first 5 months refusing to believe it would happen despite his incredibly hard work convincing me it would. He even insisted we have "non sex" dates to get to know each other again. And PROVE it wasn't just about sex.

Now my marriage is in shambles and he happily ensconced with his second wife of 5 years. And I just can't seem to be happy again with my husband. But I was before he came back into my life.

I have 2 children with my husband. We have been married 20 years. And he made me believe in him again. I finally started to believe him in December when he talked about going to my kids Xmas concerts next year. I finally believed him. Only to have him change his mind again a month later.

I walked away when he launched this two year thing on me. But I feel a slide back coming. Please tell me how stupid that would be?

Thanks for listening. And appreciate any support. I know I was a fool. And deserve all the misery I got. But I just want to prevent a little more if I can.

i do not know your man, and it seems like i don't even know mine - i had a very difficult situation yesterday, and saw someone who was anything but a loving, caring and wise man i fell in love with 5 years ago.
But i would have given awful lot right now to have a husband and 2 children together, and to be able to work things out with him. There's counseling, there are different stages in life, there are ways to be content and happy without being in honeymoon all the time. But why ruin something stable you have for someone who cannot keep a simple promise, who is not reliable and is not committed. He might be the man of your life, but you might also end up growing old alone, as he'll still be with another woman. Is it worth it?

and no, no-one deserves this misery. God has a better plan for you, try to see it!

Thank you for yout reply. Especially your last comment. You are right. No one deserves this misery. I was not behaving particularly well but I was trying to do the right things. And it has blown up all over me. He was doing the same things and stringing me along the whole time. Totally not reasonable. Thank you.

Yes allie I felt the same too his behaviour was repetitious and full of lies got fed up of him could not tell when he spoke the truth i e if he ever and when he was lying trash don't belong at home they belong in dumpster so I dumped my trash in dumpster

Allie. You will heal only when you realize the pattern this man has set in your life. I'm sure he's got some kind of feelings for you, if it's passion, or some joy in dominating you - who the F cares... The fact is - he's PLAYING with you. It takes a while, but you will get past it and be happy again with your H. Tell H to be patient with you, find any excuse , psycho, menopausal or other and work on yourself to become whole again, while letting H in your heart again. Some people can be nice and sexy but O so destructive to other people's lives... Don't go into self loathing, just because this guy has a screw loose lol. Get angry and insist on being happy again. The only currency in getting past the affair is TIME (and some therapy if you can afford it... otherwise EP will do) Contact me if you need xoxoxo

Thanks, Marmelade. I appreciate your response. I have read and re-read it several times. I don't think he is a bad guy...but he is a bad guy with me for some reason. I really do need to accept that. And for the record, he isn't that sexy at all! Since our 20s he has gained a lot of weight and frankly looks a bit like a freak show! But in the end, I still for him again. Reminding myself that this appears to be some kind of game is helping though. Thank you!

There was a time I was hating myslef so
Much how coukd I have allowed
Him go hurt me by playing his games how could I have sllowed myself be emotionally and physically involved with him knowing his character but this word love was strong on me not to give up he will come around and I seriously thought he did but once again his lies I would catch him made me erupt like a volcanos and spit all the lava on him oh he so hurt he says tsst tsst poor baby but he deserved it how can he think he can beg for me yet play same games with me again and again his game for too boring for me I never saw the to go sign and collect my joy and I had to be firm this time sent him nasty texts to which he has not responded he states it is who I am I am built this way I replied you made me this way yes it will hurt oh I want so bad go in shower and cry my eyeballs full but when I go down memory lane and revisit the moments with him it was all about sex his conversation was about sex when we meet he would imply having thrilling time in bed than after we done and he goes home than he hardly contact me has hundred excuses he busy but when night before day Arrives he is all about calling me oh telling me how much he loves me oh dear I noted he was getting a lot of satisfaction and I was going deep into depression and than realised why cry for man who was just a demanding lover I want a companion a life partner who I can share lots with him he would say why you ask so many questions and think so serious about our relationship just have fun !!! Playboy I just hope one day he meets that woman when she finds out he olaying games and she. Not only his bed warmer will send him to his grave or drag his *** to court these type of men aught to have bad endings

Very stupid but don't be hard on yourself it helps when I write away helping others for I am going through it gosh can't believe the extent a man will go to get all his fun and we women can be so weak and fall for such crap because they tell us what we want to hear so get over him and move on he. It worth it trust me today he can show so much interest tomorrow he will be in someone else arms

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This one is still sooooo fresh..... We've been together for almost 5 years. He said he wanted the life together, and he would leave his wife. I waited. He promised to move in with me a couple of years ago. I was waiting. Then it was a later date, and a later one, and never happening.
A year ago he moved out from there, and eventually told me it was over with his old life. But he was not ready to move in with me (i'm single). I waited...
Today he lied he would meet a (male) friend, while i saw him with his ex. Made a scene, called him a liar - it did not look at all like it was all over with her - why give me this crap of empty promises???
I know he may not call. I still love him, miss him, and feel like the life is over. I guess i knew the consequences when i started the scene, but i could not anymore let him look in my eyes and lie and give me empty promises.
We were so close, that i believe few people are - understanding, feeling each other. Working together was great too - and i'll still have to figure out that part.
But i cannot put my life on hold and waste year after year waiting for him to follow through on his promises. But i don't want it over, i want our life together, the one we dreamed about, the one he promised - i care, i love him. If it was coming, i could wait.
i am probably not making much sense now. I simply don't know how to live through the next hour...

It will get better sweetie in time.I too had to walk away after 5 yrs. Focus on you get strong but your mind to other things.If he really is gonna leave her, he's got leave her for himself anyway or its not gonna work anyway. Do your thing now girl take your frustration out in exercise, or a hobby you enjoy, get to know you, get string , build your confidence.Then you will find a wonderful man who deserves your attention. Good luck , It hurts like he'll now, but will get better.. :)

LS, how long ago did you walk away? I am not judging anyone, and i was not happy in my first marriage either. But our situation now is different - i am single (divorced 6 years ago), and he claims that it's over with his past. I don't think he loves her or wants to be with her, but he is trying to be nice, while there's no future there, and he is killing our future over it...
it devastates me. If it was just someone on a side whom i dated casually and who turned out to be just a bastard, it would have been easier. But this was a person with whom we planned the whole life, and actually have built so much together over the years, anything between the house and the business. How can he be so foolish to throw it all away???

Only recently walked away about a month ago. We were so eager in the 2nd year of it made plans I seen a lawyer and all.lookin back now I really didn't have many major marital issues, we just lacked passion n drifted apart .mm n my desire to be with him n start a new life , pushed me to cus fights at home .I don't now why yours wants to throw it away probably because when it comes down to getting a divorce n breaking up a family, the finances, the kids if any that's the hardest.then there's the horrible stigma that comes with it, he/she left the family/spouse for some one else. Then everyone thinks bad of you esp. Friends , family, inlaws.If kids are involved outta of anger and hurt the jilted spouse tells the kids daddy left us for someone else. It's just so hard.your mm may love you n wanna be with you very much , but the guilt and shame is so unbearable sometimes it's easier to stay.Its probably killing him too, but he can bring himself to do it.also if the spouse found out the guilt, the using the kids or the family, just throwing it all in your face how could you do this too us the tears the hurt it all weighs so heavy.Its such a horrible situation.I have friends and customers that have even when as far as the other woman gets her divorce, he backs out last minute and she has nothing.In the long run sweetie your better off cus most of them do cheat again after yrs with the ow too. 1 of my customers carried on an affair for 10 years, his wife finally caught him they ended it he moved in with ow, which she only got him cus wife threw him out so it was by default not want.Then he cheated on other woman twice now that he's finally free from wife but still tells me he's still in love with wife.Thats not the first story I heard like that either , they finally get kicked out or become free then they want to date a little they realize before getting tied down again.It really sucks. I work with the public so I hear so much..good luck I hope I helped a little..hugs

Because he is but why you throwing away your precious life away I would always ask myself what would Jesus do. Simple he would never love dishonesty and this man is dishonest. Don't waste your precious breath life and time on this guy

Wow spoke exact my thoughts he kept me hanging making me beleive his lies today tomorrow but. Never happened until I told him ok you want me back sure let us get legally married than we live as husband and wife oh he came up with hundred excuses most being I the bad one he csnt marry me but wants me and loves me and wAnts we have physical relationship only in the name of love. Oh gave him
The boots hurtful but I realise as I text this away hey why you feeling bad he lost you won you got away from this dishonest man so I should not feel any remorse on contrary I should feel relieved and saved myself from future resentment and stress and who knows miseries too better now than later better now than never it is never too late

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Thanks for sharing.

I was seeing mine for 18 months and never once did he say that he would leave his wife and although we had some good times I never felt like number 1 or number 2 I probably didn't even feature in his top ten. Of course he said he loved me and he has kept the game up for 18 months. He doesn't seem to care that he is taking my precious time. He wants me regardless of the cost to me. I have finished with him for the last time now. He will be after me again trying anything he can to get me. He never loved me. if he loved me he would let me go. I was just an object to him


I felt the exact same way - like I was #2. You are right - you deserve to be #1--all the time! I hope you are strong enough to evade his attempts to reach out and use you again. I do believe he probably has feelings for you, but being in relations with him will only preclude you from finding true happiness with another person. You deserve MUCH more than the "little" of him that he gives you. And you are right, if he truly cared about more than himself and his needs, he would let you go, but he is living in his own selfish world where he is the center of the universe. Please move on. It is possible and there will be light at the end of the tunnel. There was for me :)

Thanks Mary, yes he probably did have feelings but was too scared to act properly on them. He wanted to live in a kind of semi- fantasy which is good for him but not productive for me. I have not spoken to him for 9 days and im starting not to care about him now. Apathy and despair has set in. Im glad you are through this now. Thank you.

You have to get angry at how you are treated, in order to get past this. No one takes advantage of you if you don't allow it in the first place. I think it's a painful yet very valuable lesson going forward. 10 months down the line I feel the affair has also had some beneficial effects on my self worth, as I had to pick up my scattered pieces and rebuild from the ashes. The issue is to let go of the notion that HE was the only one that will ever get you, love you, or make you less alone in the world. It was beautiful and now it's over... there will be more love for us when we're good and ready. But first you have to reject the weak, cowardly, accepting, forgiving, self effacing character you had become in the affair...

Thank you for sharing, I am in a similar situation. In mine it was an emotional affair in which I am unhappily married and he is living with long term girlfriend. I am wondering how are you doing now? Are you still with your boyfriend?

I am with my current boyfriend, now fiance. It took a while, but we repaired our relationship; however, it wasn't until I completely let go of my MM that I could build a new relationship with my fiance.

Great article with excellent insights. Good for you.

Thank you for this wonderful site and perspective. I was involved with a MM whom I had known for 6 years but didn't take it to the next level until 6 months ago. He promised me he was leaving his wife after the holidays and that she had agreed to this. He did move out in January but eventually moved back and finally told me that he didn't know if or when he could ever leave. So it is now over. I'm devastated, sad, angry!!! Its been less than a week and I haven't heard from him, which I'm glad about. I tell myself to just get through the hour or the next 15 minutes...whatever it takes so I don't reach out to him. I deserve better than to settle for being dragged along. I want more from a relationship. The starting article that mentioned the extreme highs and the low lows..was so accurate. I agree when I look back on it objectively, it was some of the saddest times I've felt. I don't want that any more I just want this aching in my heart to go away. Thank you again for your insight.

Good for you Annmarie! Stay strong. Expect him to contact you again. Please ignore him, as it is very easy to fall back into things.

You deserve SO much more!!


My MM also "moved out" but moved right back in. He also told me he was "leaving" after the holidays...holidays were always an excuse.

You SHOULD be angry! He is preventing you from finding happiness..dragging you along is his confused and frustrated state.

You are completely right - you DO deserve better! If you truly do want to move on, ignore hi when he contacts you (as I can almost guarantee you he will)..

I promise you your aching heart will go away! It does take time though...expect to have good days and days where you are just so sad and need to cry.

Time does heal, as cliche as it sounds.

Please be strong; if I can do it, so can you!

In their confused and frustrated state they are dragging along a girl who is also confused and frustrated because of what he has done...

Thank you so very much for your kind and supportive message. It has been a month and it is better but is still painful and sad. I Just focus on each day it does get a little easier. Thank you!

Hello Marygold thank you for your inspiration and support. I am feeling stronger every day and while I still miss him I move forward and work on putting me back together. You were right he did contact me... To offer me more of the same. As hard as it was I said no thanks! Haven't heard from him since..,that was a week and a half ago so maybe I won't hear anymore. I try not to worry about it though I still think of him and us many times a day. Thank you for listening

Oh dear I feel like you talking about the guy I just dumped dear dear everyone here has gone through similar experiences and pain I have and you stated in jan so did mine he said he left her in jan too but than does not want commit to me because I bad one but wants a relationship like a distant one with me oh no with his history of affairs after affairs I refused he acts like oh he heartbroken. And I hurt him to the bones um he can't get me with his emotional game

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I never, in a million years, thought that I would ever find myself searching the Internet for the keywords "Being the Other Woman". I was completely happy and content in this role. But here I am. After 7 years of an online, long-distance affair with a MM (punctuated by a few adventuresome, intimate meet-ups), his wife discovered the affair and suddenly, after years and years of "you're my best friend" and "I'm so glad I can share anything with you" and "I can't imagine my life without you", I have been cut off. Just a short note asking me to "delete everything" and saying he has to "fit into his life" and doesn't want to continue to be "discontent". No mention made of my own discontentment and not so much as a "thanks for everything!" I am married, too, but I built a lovely, secret life around this man that has sustained me through a very unsatisfactory marriage. We were, literally, in touch, multiple times every single day, via email, text, phone, and Skype, for 7 years. We've shared a rich, passionate friendship. I have been there through depressions and illnesses and work problems and even the birth of his first kid. Hell, if he was lost while driving, he'd call me up to Google Map-it for him! I know I sound kind of glib here, but I am aching to my core. Everything in me wants to put together a reasonable, impassioned email, asking for some explanation and validation that what we had was valuable to him as it was to me. Anything. I can't eat. I can't sleep. I cry continuously. I miss him like a lost limb. I have the lovely email all composed, but before I hit send, something compelled me to look for some support. I'm an intelligent, attractive, kind, woman and a devoted friend. Should I really HAVE to send such an email after so many years of being the good sidekick? I never wanted him to leave his relationship. I was/am perfectly content to have a great lover in my corner whom I felt I could depend upon and turn to. There wasn't a subject in the world on which we couldn't converse and I treasured that. Now, I feel like, even though I was understanding and supportive and great, I am no longer deemed good enough to even be SECOND best. How can that be? Do I send this email? I appreciated some of marmelade's comments below. If you are out there, you seem like a reasonable, centered person. PLEASE help me.

I'm sorry you're hurting Katjaf. My MM acted the same way when discovered, then came back for another three years of a cat and mouse game, which I don't recommend... it's demeaning in the extreme. That said, I understand you completely, as I was so happy when he came back saying he wanted me in his life no matter what. It was never the same though, as we saw each other much less and relied on electronics more and more until she discovered one of his (undeleted) sexy text to me and gave him an ultimatum (so he said). This is the weird part of this kind of relationship. As loving, intimate and close as to is, it's all about filling our selfish need and living a fantasy...Would I change anything? Still a resounding NO. We loved each other for 6 incredible years, we experiences agony and ecstasy in the extreme, and I wouldn't have been able to disconnect from that. I was planning to leave when my youngest was going to college, and had I been discovered, I believe I would have left then. BUT... and that's a big one, I wasn't the one that was busted so I can't really judge the pressures MM went through... MM used to describe days on end of crying, lamenting, anxiety ridden fights etc etc and the fact that he engaged in them and stayed put meant to me that he cared about his marriage and his life and was just "playing" with me. Since the beginning my logic has always been alive and well, but my emotional need won every time and I just accepted it as my reality... I was married and had a lot of problems at the time and couldn't leave without feeling like a real rat, jumping off a sinking ship.... I allowed my MM to treat our relationship as secondary because I figured it was better than none at all...
I figure that if he's acting like this towards you, his wife is controlling his every move and he is allowing that in order to stay married. You want to believe he never meant to hurt you, but at this point it's him or you, and as affairs are selfish in nature to begin with, now comes the time of ultimate selfishness. He's saving his own skin. I think that if you send your letter, his wife will read it and you may not even get an answer OR she might contact your husband to make you stop... Are you ready for that? knowing he's not with you any more? It's a tough blow Katjaf, and I've been through hell healing from this convoluted love. I suggest you write your letter as a story here, just to get it off your chest. You must know that he's suffering too, but had to make a final decision... I'm here for you whenever you need. Just know that there is life after this affair, it just takes T I M E, therapy and EP is a great help xoxoxo big hug

You are a godsend. I cannot thank you enough for just taking the time to acknowledge and respond to me. I'm sure it cannot be easy for you to dredge up these painful things, but, as you well know, this is an extremely lonely and isolating position to be in. ironically, the shared secrecy that has fed the intimacy and passion with my mm for so long is the same thing that has me feeling so adrift now. Who could I possibly talk who would not immediately judge me or simply advise me to get the hell out? I, too, have teenage children whom I have tried to raise with integrity, healthy self-esteem, and boundaries. I am well aware of my duplicity. But I am also a creative, passionate, intelligent woman who is "unequally yoked". I felt dead inside for years before my mm came into my life. For 7 years, I have enjoyed more creativity, more passion, more fun, and even more professional success (because I am better at 'thinking outside the box'). I am convinced that this affair has made me a happier, more relaxed parent and has even helped to keep me reasonably content with my less-than-stellar marriage. For my mm, I have been a stalwart support system, a needed confidante, and a source of fun and joy, which were lacking. Neither one of us prodded the other to leave our marriages or shirk our responsibilities. How can this have been ALL bad? My feelings are further complicated now by the fact that he has contacted me, after weeks of silence, telling me tales of the pain and rehashing and crying and fights that have gone on in his home. I hate that I am implicated in that. I hate that he was stupid enough to have been caught (she found several intimate emails). And now i hate - despite the enormous relief of having finally heard from him - that I have to make some kind of choice. He's under constant surveillance now. Our time together will be very limited and risky, if it happens at all. Do I risk it to hold on to some level of happiness with someone in whom I have invested so much time, energy and love? If I DO decide to eventually leave my relationship, I don't want it to be because my hand was forced. I don't expect you to answer this. I know that no one else can tell me what to do and the insights you have already shared are invaluable to me, believe me. It means the world just to be able to say these things - finally - 'out loud', so to speak. For the first time in weeks, I feel a little less alone. Thank you!

Your right no one can tell you what to do. It's incredibly hard, lonely, and just a horrible situation to be in. My mm had been caught too 2yrs in .It's been almost 5 I've decided to walk away. After being caught things to change the time is less it's just not the same. The best advice I could give would be for both of you to walk away .Decide individually what you want to do in your own marriages. Leave or work on it. Like you said neither of you want to be the consolation prize cause its forced, due to his wife finding out and throwing him out, or you feeling forced for any reason.That being said whatever each of you do individually, If you both single for your own reasons, not each other, then you can't start a real healthy positive relationship together. Or be single and find yourself again, or someone new. Either way it has to be done for you not him.

i know that you are right and appreciate your response. Good for you for making yourself a priority and getting out. I am trying to gather the courage to do the same. It is really hard when you have wrapped yourself up in someone else for so long.

Yes I know , its so hard when he has become your world. For me its bcame a little easier that he was a little nasty towards the end. I had a bad night last night he had to send some hurtful texts. So I went to bed early with a heavy aching heart and cried myself to sleep.. good luck youll know when its your time to let go..

What an awful way to spend your Valentine's Eve! I don't even know you, but I know that NO ONE who sends you hurtful messages deserves your time, attention, and love. I try to see each slight, or snub (like no messages today), or stupid action as a message from the Universe that it's time to cut my losses and move on. Thanks for your support and Happy Valentine's!

Your welcome. We are all here for the same reason same situations. Support n understanding in this difficult, confusing, scewed up, lol , time. Thank u for ur support too.Your right I gotta keep remembering the snubs, hurtful messages etc are not loving not deserving of my time. Happy valentines day to you too,hope its a nice one regardless. Focusing on other things today, heavy hearted, but thankful his true colors are showing before I destroyed my h and son for him.. hugs :)

Thanks you for all of your posts to help those of us still hurting. I cry as I write this just wishing for the heartache to go away. I know it takes time...I just wish I knew when I would start feeling better. My MM hasn't reached out to me and while part of me is glad for that, there is a part of me that feels so sad for that. Didn't anything we had matter? Don't I matter? This is such a crazy time. Thank you for giving me a place to write some of this down and share how bad it feels.

I am right there with you. It feels horrible to be ignored on Valentine's Day, especially. And I have asked all the same questions.... didn't any of it matter to him? Wasn't any of it 'real'? We had seven freaking years of almost-daily contact! Unfortunately, the more posts I read on this site, the more I begin to come to the conclusion that, in many, many cases, extramarital affairs do not carry the same emotional weight or 'importance' to the MMs involved as as they do to the women who love them. I am sure you are a beautiful, valuable person and deserving of so much more than you are getting. Other women on this site who have been through it promise that the pain does get better with time, especially if we devote our time and energy to finding ourselves again. Hang tough, girl! You are better than this.

Thank you for your kind words and support. It's wonderful that someone I don't even know would take the time to offer me support and encouragement during this difficult time, thank you Katjaf! I hope your time gets easier and you emerge an even better and stronger person from going through this tough time. I am working on moving myself forward. I've decided today to unfriend him on FB, more for myself than's just another way to cut my ties with him and try to heal my heart and rebuild my life. Thank you again for listening and offering words of encouragement!! You are a great person, I know that already about you!

Likewise, sweetheart. Every woman - and man, for that matter - deserves someone who is proud and happy to love them openly and honestly, without all this secrecy and baloney. I am coming to understand that those of us who gravitate toward these kinds of secret, unhealthy, and often impossible relationships do so largely because we fail to sufficiently value ourselves. I know that if I had had more self-respect and healthy self esteem, when it became obvious that this mm would NEVER make me a priority, I would have cut ties and never looked back. Instead, I cried for weeks. Unfriending this man on FB is one of the most positive and healthy things you could possibly do, though I know it can feel like severing a limb. Closing that door is the only way to open new ones. Good for you!

Thank you katjaf! You really helped lift me up. I am doing better and getting stronger every day. Hope you are doing well!

I am doing a little better every day, checking my 'secret' email account less, wondering what he is doing less and less... especially in light of the fact that he does not appear to be wondering anything about me. Lately, I look forward to jumping on this site, instead, for the encouragement and smiles I used to get from my MM. Thanks!

Hi katjaf, I want to encourage you like you have done for me. Please hang in there and while I'm not sure I understand about the secret email I figure it's probably like me checking my phone to see if he has texted me. It and I am getting better about not doing it as frequently....sometimes self talking that I will not check for x amount of time. I am also seeing a counselor (went one time so far) and I told her I think I now understood what it must feel like to be a drug addict looking for a fix. Sometimes that's how I feel talking my self out of contacting him. Some days I say ok just make it an hour and if I can't so that I say ok make it 15 mins and then I go from there. The counselor told me there is a period of withdrawal so that made me feel better. I really do appreciate having this forum and talking to others who are going through the same thing. Please don't hesitate to share and I will do the same. We will get through this and come out better on the other side!!!

hugs to you ann xoxo

Hugs and thanks to you!

This man has treated you very badly. He has no respect. All those years you were a faithful friend to him and he drops you like a one night stand?? I don't understand how people can behave like this and without feeling guilt. I have given up trying to understand how some people tick. It sounds to me like he views people as objects. He may or may not repspond to your email but even if he does respond, will he be sincere? will he just make excuses for himself??

You are very insightful. Now that I am starting to have a little distance from our daily contact (It's been 3 weeks since he was 'caught' and I was 'dumped'), I have started to get a more objective view of his behavior. He lied to her and used me for his own amusement. When he got caught,, he jumped ship as fast as he could to save his own skin. But I also think maybe I brought some of this on myself by devoting so much time, attention, and love to someone who was clearly a bad choice to begin with. So I feel brokenhearted, lonely AND stupid - all at the same time. Ugh.

That's normal to feel like that. I question my judgement too but on the other hand, we tried. We went into it in good faith. it does not make us stupid it just makes us human. we live and learn.

That's very true. I really was following my heart on this one. Though it makes me question the wisdom of doing that.

Its just how we are. We follow our hearts. Its extremely hard not to.

Honestly, I don't know what I would do without this community right now. i am very glad that you and these other women are out there. People who have never been in this position tend to be very judgmental of any woman who would allow herself to become 'The Other Woman' in the first place. But it has been my experience that we are largely a group of open-hearted, passionate, kind people who just threw our love in the wrong direction. Just read through all of the compassionate, supportive responses on EP and that becomes very clear.

Hello and once again thank you all for your support, encouragement and even hugs! Today marks 4 weeks since he returned home. It seems like so much longer. I am here fighting through the emotion of it all and while progress is is progress. He did contact me and tried to make me an offer of more of the same...being the woman on the side. I told him no way..I'm done being the other woman! I deserve better and will not settle. It was difficult but when the call was over I felt empowered. Not so rejected anymore...I rejected him and his offer now! I would like to recommend a good book I found and am has helped me. The title is, " It's a Breakup not a Breakdown". By Lisa Steadman. I got it for $4.00 on amazon. Best $4.00 I ever spent! Thank you all again and hang in there! You are worthy of a good love!

Thanks! I'm going to go look up that book right away. I have also really been helped by a website I found when doing my 'Other Woman' internet search. It's called Baggage Reclaim and its a blog by another woman who has been in our shoes. Lots of posts about having healthy self esteem and having boundaries and recognizing bad behavior for what it is. GOOD FOR YOU for not agreeing to play the game on his terms anymore. Excuse me, but that is utter bullshit. Glad to hear that you are taking back your power!

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Please someone help me... I have been married but I loved someone else and he loved me too. Now I am getting divorced but he cannot marry me and he is getting married to another girl whom he doesn't love but wanna keep me as his mistress. Of course, he didn't use the word but...
Anyway, he went it meet her in a diff country an before going, he was all head over heals for me and he didn't tcontact me at all for 24 hours. We hv never stayed without any contact for so long.... I felt miserable and all kind of thoughts were on my mind. I knew they will sleep together even wen he said he isn't going for that... He slept with her and she was in his arms all night long. He says he felt ok while sex but didn't enjoy it. I asked a few more things and I asked coz I have shared very single possible detail of my relationship with my husband. I had restricted sex with my husband coz I didn't want to hurt him. I never did a lottttt of things in my marriage all dese years and he did it in one night.I as miserable in 24 hours and called him from Skype so my number doesn't go as he askd in case of emergency. He got reallyyyyyy mad at me and he said I must obey his orders at any cost. I felt like a slave. He says I don't deserve to know any details of what he did with his wife n what he didn't. He lied tk me allllll along when he wanted me to share what happened between me and my husband. Today, I am taking dos divorce coz of him and he has made me feel being used emotinonally and physcially. I wish he feels this pain sometday. I have done a lottttt for him in last four years. I have spent every single second living for him. Everything to suit his needs. I don't know wht to do. I feel absolutely lost and so used and played. I feel like dying.

U poor thing, u have been used! cut ALL contact, hold ur head high and walk away, never let this man come into ur life again, he will get whats coming to him, u just fix ur own life up!!


Please cleanse yourself of this man at all cost. Run for the hills. He sounds toxic, untruthful, manipulative, and downright condescending. He is not healthy for you.

Don't think of yourself as played, think that you tried the best you could under the circumstances. You followed your heart. You stayed true to yourself. Dont blame yourself!

Pick yourself up and hold your head high. You should be ANGRY!! Channel that anger to moving forward, being empowered, and to starting new beginnings. You never know how strong you have to be until it's the only choice you have! Now is your chance.

Don't look at this as the end of your life; look at this as your moment to seize control of your life!!

You are so wise for someone to young, Mary. "You never know how strong you have to be until it's the only choice you have" is now on a sticky note on my desk top. I am really struggling to tap into my own justifiable anger after 7 years of being jerked around. Thank you for your smart responses. I am so glad that your life is finally working for you!

Oh I am sorry for you. I've just ended my affair. I am glad to be rid of the idiot.

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