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I Was The Other Woman; Read If You Want To Walk Away

I'm 29 years old and I live and own a house with my boyfriend of 11 years.

About 2 years about I became involved romantically with my co-worker, a married man with three young children. I still work with him very closely with this man...but about two months ago I completely walked away from the situation, and I'm so happy I did.

I was completely in LOVE with him. There are qualities that pseudonym "John" has that I honestly still am in love with. Our romance progressed slowly over 4 years. We were first just friends, but it slowly evolved into love. At first he pursued me just physically and I rejected him several times--partly because we work together but more so because of my current boyfriend, who I do still love.

Eventually I became weak to his pursuits and we became physical for about 16 months. He wrote me love letters, called me daily, sent me thousands of texts. I always looked forward to going to work, to see his smile, to laugh with him, , to love and "live" my life fuller. We spent many nights together, and met in secret to spend time together outside of work. I was completely in love, and so was he. I remember saying often "I've never felt this way before. This is different. He is my soul mate." John spoke often of leaving his wife, and I spoke of leaving my boyfriend. We were drawn to one other because we saw traits in one another that our current spouses just didn't have. To a certain degree--I still think this is true.

About 4 months ago, he told his wife he had feelings for me and wanted a divorce. He expected her to be just devastated and walk away, but she was determined to make it work and go to counseling. "John" was very torn because although he was not "in love" with his wife, he does still care for her. John waffled back and forth--but remained true and honest with me about how he was still crazy about me. However, one fact still remained: he was still with his wife, despite her continues moments of "kicking him out."

I thought of walking away dozens of times...but I told myself "just hold on a little longer...give him time....he/I need more time." I mainly didn't want to walk away though because I didn't want face the hurt and devastation of losing a man I was in love with.

Finally, about 2 months ago, I told him I was tired of waiting, tired of the jealousy, tired of the hurt, and most of all, tired of being unhappy.

The realization that I was actually UNHAPPY during the 16 month affair was an awakening moment for me. Yes, there were amazing "highs" where I felt like I could do ANYTHING. John made me feel beautiful, intelligent, funny, unique and loved. However, along with these incredible highs were the darkest of lows...incredible sadness for betraying, lying, and hurting my boyfriend (who eventually found out) and not actually having the "real" love that I wanted--John. My life was a ROLLERCOASTER, but overall of was UNHAPPY, anxious, nervous and not fullfilled both emotionally, physically and psychologically.

Walking away was devastating, but I have to say that I am far LESS sad than I thought I would be. (THERAPY has helped A LOT.) The anticipation of saddness/depression is far WORSE than what I actually feel.  Still, I cried in secret for weeks, dreaded going to work because I didn't want to face "him."  I torn up my diary in tears, and spend many drives crying around my neighborhood mourning the loss who I once thought was "the love of my life."

Since walking away, John has attempted several times to get me back into his life. He has emailed me, written me letters, and expressed how he misses me and still is unhappy in his marriage. In the beginning, I was weak to his attempts and succumbed a little to his pursuits. However, because he is still with his wife, I have remained strong in my decision to walk away. I eventually realized that John will NEVER leave his wife, but he still wanted me in his (however small it was---whether it was flirting, or being physical here and there) which is why he has continued to contact me/keep me close in his life. Once I realized this, I saw him as weak and selfish, and I felt EMPOWERED to find happiness in different way.

The only way the affair would end was if I was the one who ended it; it took a while, but eventually I was STRONG enough to do it.

Since walking away, I have begun to try to repair my current relationship, which wasn't completely broken to begin with. Our relationship has become "better" but we still have a lot to work on. Since immersing myself in my current boyfriend, I have started to appreciate traits in him that I believe I was completely blind to before. I've also now appreciate traits in my boyfriend that John just never had.

When I think about how my life would have been if John had left his wife, I'm SO happy it didn't turn out that way. My life would have been a DISASTER. I would have been vilified by his wife's family, by my friends and colleagues at work,  by my friends, my current boyfriend's family etc. My honest and respected reputation at work would have been tarnished, and I would have been unjustly labeled as a "homewrecker"---even though John is the one who ruined his marriage, not me. Not to mention, I don't think I could have EVER REALLY trusted John. I honestly don't think our relationship would have lasted through the chaos of our circumstances.

Do I still love John? Yes. (I'm being honest)

Are there times when I miss him? Absolutely. (You can't just turn those feelings off)

Are there times when I wish he would contact me? yes (I'm human)

Do I sometimes become weak to his flirtations? They are less and less every day.

Am I happy in my current relationship? The progress is slow but steady.

Am I unhappy/sad/depressed/anxious anymore? NO!!!


My advice to those still in relationships with married men is this:

1) There ARE situations where men leave their wives for their mistresses. However, if he truly wants to be with you, he will leave his wife. If this doesn't occur within a few months - year MAX - it most likely will never happen.

2) You don't see how messed up the situation is while you are in it. It isn't until now that I see HOW MANY people are involved, and how difficult it would have been for John to actually leave.

3) It wasn't until AFTER I walked away when I realized how demeaning the whole situation was. I was always SECOND--but I deserved to be FIRST!!!

4) You will never find TRUE happiness being the other woman; you will be UNHAPPY. (bouts of highs, yes, but overall unhappy)

5) Walking away can be an empowering experience. You will find strength you never thought you had.

6) The only way you will find happiness with another man/woman, is it you completely LET GO of the married man.

7) Find a good therapist. I have been seeing one for the past 8 months--he's the one who actually gave me the courage and insight to walk away.

8) If you and your married man are meant to be together, it will happen. Have Faith.


I still struggle with this "dark side" of my life every day. John is still "trying" to keep me in his life (which I actually resent now!!! Go figure!!)

I'm still trying to mend my current relationship and find happiness with my boyfriend. Even though I'm not sure if it will work out, I'm CERTAIN that walking away from John is the best thing I could have done.

I'm MUCH MORE HEALTHY now than I was not too long ago!!!


marygold1983 marygold1983 26-30, F 161 Responses Apr 9, 2012

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I was having an affair with a man for 4 years,he was a huge part of my life and my 5 year old son,we spent days evening weekends away everything together ,he told me he was going to leave her and wanted us to marry have kids he never did leave ,so I told him if he didn't leave her I will tell her ,so he told her I was blackmailing him that he loved my son as his own and not me,she believed everything he said Y did I waste 4 years on a man that basically stabbed me in back ,

Wow you have described exactly the way I feel. I'm other man I guess you could say in this case. We are both married and she left me which I struggle with everyday. It only been a month.

I wonder if she is feeling the same way that you are describing. Although she was never second best she was always #1 or at least I thought I was making her #1. Either way you have given me some insight and strength to move on and to leave it alone.

Thank you!

Reading this makes me hopeful that my MM and I may be able to remain friends. I don't want to be the OW - I didn't even know he was married when it started - but I care so much about him, plus we work together and I don't want to be reminded of what I've lost every day at work. I want a friendship. I just have never heard of a post-affair friendship that worked.

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Glad you let him go. If you stayed with him he would eventually do you like he did his wife. I have been through this. I have seen it many times. Cheaters tend to repeat this behavior through a series of relationships. It all has to do with their self esteem, inner issues and lack of self love. If they don't know who they are they will betray others and betray themselves. They blindly live life and hurt others because they do not know what they are doing. They don't deal with their emotions and become emotionally unavailable.

I am in the same situation, thank you for your story xxxx

Thank you for this post. It is what I needed to read. I know I need to walk away, but it is hard when I know I will have to find a way to work with him. I am a widow, and I know what I am doing is wrong but I have not felt like this in years, and it will be hard for me to give up. The affair has made me happy, and I know I need to walk away before things turn ugly. What you described about the incredible highs and lows is spot on. Since my husband died I have felt so numb, it was thrilling to be feeling something again. Some days I think I love him, but maybe my feelings are confused, since this has caused a flood of emotions I have not had in a while. I know I don't want anyone to get hurt. I just have to hope that he has given me the confidence I need to go out and actually find someone who I can be with.

Katotw--- I can totally relate the feelings that you crave - that you receive with your MM. However, you will and can find a much healthier love with a man who is not attached! The longer you stay with your MM, the longer it will take for you to find happiness!! Be strong; it will be so empowering!!

My relationship is over. I don't believe he lied. I'm not mad at him. I think he made a mistake. But he gave me something I've never really had in past relationships (no judgment and tons of empathy) which I now know I really need.

I'm not feeling the relief that you describe, even though the last 4 weeks were Unhappy like you experienced. With his unconditional support gone, I feel a massive hole in my chest. It was probably partially there already since I didn't receive much unconditional support growing up. But this opened it up and it's raw.

It's not just that, I miss everything about him. Hoping he would contact me on my birthday a week ago set me back. It's been about 4 weeks and I want this grieving to end faster. Anger is easier.

I going to find a therapist this week because when I try to talk to my friends or family about they just say he used me and the drill me about whether I've contacted him. It's heartbreaking.

I went to therapy for alittle over a year and it helped alot. I have even thought about going back cause it is nice to have someone from the outside to talk to you. Your friends and family do not understand and they never will. Mine still say that my ExMM was an *******, among other things but the fact is he was very good to me. If it were not for him I would not be were I am today. I would have gotten here but he helped me move along alot quicker. DO NOT contact him hun...it will get easier in time and yes anger is much easier. I was angry for about 6 months and it really helped me from wallowing in self pity!!!! Take care of you first...I learned that my ExMM was never going to leave...he did once when we first met but went back for his kids, after that things just worse over time and I called it quits....do they love of yes but not enough to leave!!! Just my opinion...i wish you well and as I said I promise you it will get easier with time!!!!!

I agree 100% daisydew1973! I wish you the best and glad you had the strength to leave!

No one can full that void in your heart but you. You have to love yourself. It's time.,When you do you will be whole like God intended you to be since your birth. This will manifest the right things to come to you. The right man will appear too when you are not looking. He will only come when you love yourself. He will also be whole within too. He won't come with alot of baggage.

I broke it off almost a year ago. It was the best thing I could have down. And as you said, hard but better in the end for everyone. I have met an amazing man and I am VERY happy in my life now!!!! thank you for sharing

Daisy--- so Happy for you!!!!

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You are a wise woman of that there is no doubt. Dalliances with co-workers is most common since we spend actually more time with them than our own families. It is an unwholesome situation in that since all dalliances end as did yours the work place now becomes a place that no longer serves the company well. Morale becomes a factor in this and I have had to fire some very competent persons over the years because business came first and separated lovers make for an unpleasant work place atmosphere.

You have learned a tough lesson but your error was allowing you emotions to overcome your common sense. I know of few men with families and mistresses who throw away their marriages for the sake of the dalliance. The financial aspects of divorce are an enormous undertaking as well as the fact that even it does occur the dynamics of a life wherein the ex-spouse and his children remain an integral part for your life forever is horrendous. In time it would have made your life with him an ongoing horror show.

Shed him and ignore him for his love for you was never deep enough to make that break nor would he ever have.

The truth here , as you mentioned here, that if a man does not institute a separation from his wife and or complete divorce in s predetermined time he never will. This is a sadness you have experienced first hand.
I do wish you well and hope that this experience will temper any future dalliances with a high degree of common sense and little expenditure of pure emotion.

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I'm so glad I found this post, I'm going through something similar as I write this. I had been seeing mm for 8 months, we both fell utterly and truly head over heels for each other to the point of telling each other every day. He had said his marriage had been going downhill for year and he has a 10 year old and 15 year old. We spent a lot of time together and he said he has never been as happy with his wife as what I make him. They agreed to separate after new year and he stayed here the past few nights only to wake up to a text saying his daughter was upset so he has went back for the kids. I have said that there is no going back from this we have to stop seeing each other but it is hurting bad at the thought of never seeing him again, he keeps saying he loves me and I love him but I know I need to be strong and stay away . I type this through tears thinking about him , feel like my heart and stomach have been ripped out

I have also been and currently in a relationship with a MM. 10 months into our affair he told his wife about us because he'd stated how sincerely he wants to build a life with me.
She wants to work on their marriage and now he feels he should give her a chance. She even contacted me and tried to find out more about me. I felt she was nice and she was quick to forgive me but asked me to stop contacting him. I tried at first and he did as well, but we hooked up again and his wife found out. Again she asked, this time less nicely, that we end things. We stopped communicating for a while but have reconnected, although only via email.
I am torn, I want to walk away but of course I am also deeply in love with him. We've talked about having a child together, I moved to a new city to be closer to him. In fact, he hoped that our last encounter would yield to my being pregnant, so he could give his wife no excuse to forgive him. Personally, I think it's a little cruel because she can no longer have kids and she came across to me as such a nice person. I think of him, I think of her, I think of myself and my future. She tried to get close to me at first, because she knew I had moved to be closer to her husband and she wanted to be there for me so I don't need to contact him for help. After our last indiscretion though, that's no longer an option. I feel guilty but at the same wish she had chosen to divorce him, as he had wished. Instead she agrees that she neglected him and believes she can work at all the things he needs. As a woman, I feel it's unfair that she feels responsible for his cheating, even partly, or that she played a role. A part of me is disappointed that he let her feel like this. So although he's perfect to me, I try to put myself in her shoes and imagine what she's going through. What he's put her through. I do want to move on, but can't imagine him not being in my life. I wonder if I could start dating, maybe I'd find it easier?I really need clarity through all of this.

I was dating a married man, his wife found out and confronted me, She was so upset, she was in a car accident and was killed, I moved in with the husband and we got married. I raised his kids, which I didn't care for, but had to do if I wanted to be his wife. Now there are grandkids involved. Now I suspect my husband is seeing other women and ***** clubs.
I know I have done wrong, but not sure that I can reveal myself at this time.
Sleepless in Largo, Fl

Wow..how do you feel?

Sad , sad story and I have a great empathy for you. The problem with life is we have to actually live it . We can not learn it out of book . We attach ourselves to someone seeking that ever elusive dream of happiness only to find that it all becomes yesterday's mashed potatoes , edible but not as tasty as the day before. Ultimately even left overs will be thrown out.

You bought a program with his kids knowing full well that you would be forever the interloper and always the outsider vying for their father's affection. Tough choice and if I could on this forum convince somehow every man and woman the futility of engaging in entering into the dynamics of another family environment not of your own making I would do so.

I wish you well and do not envy your life at this moment nor for the immediate future.
I do however wish well in this and hope for the best outcome for you.

Thank you so much for sharing your experience. I was the other woman and it was one of the unhappiest times of my life. I felt like I had found my soul mate but that was outweighed by the emptiness of none of it being real, by being so dishonest, and by never knowing if he felt the same way. I never felt bad for his wife because she was psychologically abusing him, but she found out about me and isolated him even further from all of his friends. We haven't spoken in about a month and from what I hear they are trying to work it out. I'm slowly working through the pain of what I allowed myself to do and forgive myself for not demanding respect from him or myself.

I'm so grateful to have come across this. I'm married (not happily) with 2 children and I have connected romantically with a college friend/crush for the past couple months. He is also married, but does not have children. We talk or text daily, we have talked about our feelings and he recently declared his love for me. I feel very strongly for him and I want to be with him. Is it too soon to ask him about leaving his wife? He's said that his wife is a good woman, but hasn't said anything else. I'm so emotionally invested in this man, I just want to know sooner than later...

I have thought about this post a bit - This is my answer: If either of you are leaving to jump into "YOU" - You are writing a recipe for disaster. If there are any true feelings between you and you have disassembled families, that guilt will undermine anything good that COULD be built between the both of you.
Be very sure when you leave your husband and dissolve a family that you are leaving because you ARE unhappy in your situation and are willing go it alone. You are willing to make changes in yourself that will build a happier life for you and your children. He also has to come to the same conclusion.
I wish you much luck in this pursuit ..... XO

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Your storyis mine. I am still in the relationship but spend more time hurting, wondering than i do happy. It has changed me from the happy person who was outgoing to being no fun. Tells me he lives me to death but we have to put it on hold for a bit as his live in girlfriend is sick. Put love on hold? I need your strength this is killing me

Walk Away. You deserve more. Him asking you to "put it on hold" is asking you to put your LIFE on hold. Don't do it. I wasted 2 years of my life that I cannot get back!

I am still "The Wife" and going through a very hurtful unwanted divorce. Myself or anybody that knows us never knew this was an unhappy marriage, or unhappy family. It came from out of the blue for my 2 teenage boys and myself. What makes it even harder for me is that my husband is now a police sergeant in our city and 6 1/2 yrs ago he was shot, almost lost his life and had to have part of his leg amputated. His now known girlfriend of who knows exactly how long is the sister to the partner he had the night of his shooting. She watched the devastation and hell that our family went through and pursued my husband and yes he too is at fault as he allowed it. Without writing a novel here, he walked out on his family of all days "Valentines Day"
and filed for divorce a month later. for almost 20 yrs I believed in him 100%. I am not saying I am perfect but in my heart I know that I did not do the wrong here and so does God. One thing u need to know if a man is in a marriage he is in just that. If he wants to be single than he needs to be a MAN and finish up the relationship 100% before starting a relationship with another woman. And all women need to know that a relationship cannot be built without 100% trust. A man going outside of his marriage is never trust worthy or honest. Don't ever put yourself, his wife or children in that position

I'm so sorry for what happened to you. I agree with 100% of what you said. And you are right...you did nothing wrong. Best of luck to you.

Hi there. Are you still on EP? I cannot tell you how much your post resonates with me. I have been reading it over and over and over again. I am in exactly the same boat, except he never said he will leave his wife for me, because of the kids. I am on day one after a 7 month affair, and right now I just cannot see how I will ever feel better. I have only been married for 18 mnths, no kids. I do not understand how I allowed this to happen, but I am sure I will pay the price in pain for it, despite the fact that neither of our spouses know about it (now anyway). I know I need to stay strong this time( tried to call it off 3 times before). I love him, and he says he loves me, but it just isn't enough. And although the thought of breaking up his family and my marriage is just impossible to comprehend, I cannot help but to feel incredibly sad and still want to be with him. Sure I will get a lot of criticism, but you cannot help who you fall in love with.. I really do not know how I"ll get through this or ever forgive myself. Thank you so much for sharing.

I still check in on occasion:) so sorry you are going through a rough time. I know you can't help who you fall in love with; however if your MM has never stated he would leave his wife, he won't leave. You will most likely just feel unhappy, unfulfilled, and eventually really sad in that relationship. From your post, it sounds like you know you need to end it. I know exactly the position that you were in; however, you really do need to be with someone you are 100% invested in and he is 100% invested in you. Once I broke it off with MM, it took my boyfriend – now husband – a year and a half to completely rebuild our relationship. We are so much happier now than we have ever been. However, I had to completely break ties with the MM. I no longer have any feelings towards him at all. It's hard to believe I can actually say that now, because I was MADLY in love with him. I'm so happy it did not work out with him. My husband is far more loving, honest, pure, devoted... just SO much more of an amazing person then MM was. I completely took him for granted. However, when I was involved with the MM I was in my own fantasy world. MM was perfect and could do no wrong.
My advice to you is to please give your husband a chance. Break ties with your MM. I'm SO happy and lucky that my job, integrity, and self-worth were not ruined by the affair.

Thank you so much for your reply. I managed to have two weeks before I crumbled again. I cannot seem to stay away from him, and working very closely together makes it really difficult. You're absolutely right that I need to stay away from him, but like you were, I am madly in love with him, and he with me. (or so I believe). I understand why he won't leave his wife and kids, I just wish I could find a way of accepting it. I find it heart to work on my marriage, as I'm constantly comparing my husband to him, and the mm always wins. I am so confused and scared and have no idea how to recover from this. I so wish I could be where you are- being able to say I don't feel anything for him anymore. Thank you for your reply. It does help to know I'm not he first one to go through this.

Of course your "MM" always wins when you compare him to your husband--- you are comparing a fantasy man/an idealized relationship, who you have not experienced real life with, to your husband---a relationship where the honeymoon phase has worn off and you are living REAL LIFE. It's truly not a fair comparison at all.

I say this because I used to make the SAME COMPARISON!!...and the MM would always "win." However, you have not lived with your MM, seen his other "real" side in the reality of life and all the authentic problems it presents.

It took me TWO YEARS to stop having feelings for him. I was DEVASTATED when I walked away....and it took me 4 or 5 tries to do it. I kept going back like you have because I was "in love." However, it looking back, I'm SO GLAD I walked away.

Keep in mind - the longer you stay in this affair, the harder it will be to walk away.

Bottom line - if you truly to not think he will leave his wife, you will NEVER be truly happy with the MM....and a year from now you will be saying to yourself "I wished I was strong enough to walk away a year ago."

If he can't leave his wife now, he never will. My MM would make excuses because of holidays, kids' birthdays blah blah blah. It took 2 years of anxiety, depression, therapy, and almost getting caught to FINALLY walk away.

I hope you figure this out soon, and don't waste as much of your life as I did.

A slightly different story, but nonetheless one that should be shared and open for comments and insight. My MM and I were together for almost 10 months. I use the term "were" as I am recently in the unknown zone due to him just being "found out" by his wife.

For openers, this man initiated the relationship, said the first "I Love You's", has discussed several times him relocating with me (he lives 1000 miles away) or myself moving to his area of his state. He admitted being married from the start, he wants a divorce, and has proposed marriage to me. His divorce would be coming with severe monetary consequences and he was in the planning process of "putting away" as much cash as he could, expecting to have to give up most of it to his 30+ year marriage. He was giving her the house, the cars, and half of their savings account. He wanted to be "happy" for once and I was the beautiful one who completed him and made him "happy"

His reasons for leaving her? He states that for the past 20 years, their intimacy has been nil, they aren't friendly, and they don't even say "I Love You" to each other anymore. He admits to having numerous affairs on her, even getting caught in an affair by her, PRIOR to this, where it did all but devastate the marriage. His two children were young then (they are grown and married now) and they both "stuck it out" back then for his underage kids.

And so our past 10 months have been about planning our future together, being each others best friend, being in constant communication. I have taken trips to see him in his neck of the woods, and he has traveled to me many times. I have encouraged him to try to work on his marriage and he told me that he does not love her anymore. I am his lover, his world, his universe. Together, we are "ONE".

A very loving text was sent by him to me this last Monday, and two hours later, I responded in turn. Knowing that he was out of town with the wife and the daughter on an unplanned, unexpected trip, I knew that our
communication would be sporadic...and no return text was expected. He always told me that it was safe to text him anytime, and if he couldn't respond, it was because he can't, not won't. The next morning I wished him a good morning via text and got an immediate response, "Hi, its not safe, I have to go" ... I inboxed his facebook (versus texting) to ask if he was okay? I heard back the same evening via text to me, that he is okay. Two days later I left another facebook message, plain and simple, "Let me know what's up, I am here".

Two hours later, our friendship was deleted by him on facebook, and an email was sent to me by him, very stiff and regimented, stating that he was "found out". His children (albeit adult children in their mid 20's) have been told and are not taking the news well, they mean everything to him and this being said, he needs to drop out of the picture and try to repair the damage that he has caused, also for me to "please forgive him", and he will contact me when possible.

It has been 5 days, I have not heard anything more from him, and I have not responded to his email. Frankly, I don't know what to respond back. Our "relationship" is based on a close friendship, and I am feeling the (loss?) of my best friend more than anything else. So...what happened, and what happens next??

Wow, I can't believe how our stories have so many similarities. I reconnected with my first love from high school after being apart for 35 years. He initiated the initial contact 10 months which I never would have thought to even start. We are both married (him 30 years and me 20 years). We are 1,226 miles apart and have kept in contact via Facebook, texting and phone calls. We met once for three night and three days and decided we wanted to be together forever. He has told me he loves me and I love him. His wife is clinically depressed and has been dependent upon him as he was the sole supporter of the family. He was working on getting his wife straightened around so that we could begin our life together and he would not have the guilt of having left her in a lurch.

On Tuesday I called him because he was suppose to be driving home from work in his car. Low and behold when I phoned him, his wife picked up the phone. The long and short of the whole mess is that, he told me he needs to save his 30 year marriage (that is void of love and physical contact). His two daughters are in the mid and late twenties. He speaks with them daily. They all live in different states. I am sure they are part of the equation because they would hate him if he left their mother.

I have tried to contact him three separate times, and he has not contacted me back. I am a mess. I was planning on leaving my husband and moving to his state within the next 9 months. He is the only man I have ever loved and I am feeling a huge loss.

I keep looking for answers where there are none. It was good to read your post. It made me feel like I wasn't so alone.

I terrylferguson76. I have almost the exact same story as you. I sent you a private message if you're ever on here to check it. Would like to talk to you about how you got through this. I'm finding it to be extremely difficult. kap78

Thank You, I needed this today. I am in this same situation right now.

I'm happy you wrote this article for the simple fact that it gives me a little insight as to how the woman who is sleeping with my husband may be thinking. I was relocated with my job 2 hours away. He was going to stay behind for 2 months working until our lease was up. My 18 month old an I moved alone and he was supposed to come on the weekends. Every 2 weeks quickly turned into every month and then him being "offered a promotion" forcing him to stay. In reality, he was let go for being in a relationship with an employee. For the past year he would come down and see us whenever he claimed to have time. He'd pretend to be a family and sleep with me, knowing that he was secretly living with this younger woman (and her 3 roommates). It wasn't until I saw a text he received that I found out about what he claimed was an "emotional affair". He promised me and my son he was finally moving down and only loved us. We waited at the train for 2 hours, anxiously waiting to pick him up and be a family again. He wouldn't answer his phone. Finally I got a text that simply said " I never boarded the train, I love her more than being a family with you". I begged him to come down, told him we could still co-parent and try to get along on a strictly platonic level. I was able to forgive him for wasting the last 7 years of my life on him for the sake of our son. His response was that he cannot stand being in a different city than his girlfriend. Yet he's ok being away for 2 months at a time from his son. It is so heart breaking, especially because I know he would have continued on with his double life had I not seen the text. This woman was a "friend" I knew of who pursued him for a very long time. As much as she is a homewrecker who knew exactly what she was doing, this is entirely HIS fault. Now my son understands daddy isn't around anymore, uncles and cousins are filling the void. He tells me he's always sick, has anxiety and ulcers because of all of this. It's too late. You told me you love a 22 year old waitress more than your son and the mother of your child. I WISH THIS WOMAN WOULD HAVE BEEN AS STRONG AS YOU. Instead her texts say things like "we can have a family of our own". "You don't need a son that doesn't want to speak to you." "Do you honestly want to think of your ex when you look at your child, or do you want a baby that reminds you of me?" To read these texts she would send him made me realize what a terrible monster he was in love with, meaning he was even worse of a monster for loving her and doing as she would say.

Not to say I could ever trust him again or be with him, but I still want my son to have a relationship with his father. now the disgust and resentment is so bad, I can never even look him in the eyes. I don't even try to FaceTime him anymore because it hurts to know that woman is sitting right next to him, listening to everything he says to me and my son. I feel so violated and betrayed. I could never knowingly have an affair, whether it be emotional or physical with a married man. To know you are the reason a poor child's life will completely change because of you is something terrible to go through life knowing.

MOST women DO NOT set out to NAB a married man - that was NEVER my intent - I was told he was leaving her ...... Lie number one .. .. and MANY more as the years went on - (too involved for a post) - This woman sounds awful, young or old - she has no boundaries - no soul. As hurt as I have been through the years (over 10), I have a difficult time justifying telling his wife - and so, I haven't - WHY? Because he has a daughter (grown, but still) and I KNOW that at the end of the day SHE would be the most hurt - hearing awful things about her dad, seeing her sick mother upset, all sorts of things. Your ex? husband sounds like a real looser - honestly - your son doesn't need that kind of a role model - he needs to see a strong and loving person walk the walk like a man - Maybe NOT staying with you (if he's really THAT unhappy) - but always a father FIRST to his child. Say goodbye and stay strong - let the other"lucky" woman have him - a zebra never changes it's stripes - I'm sure my "friend" had affairs before me - and if he were still young - probably would find another. You have done nothing - he is weak. HUGS to you - you are better off ......

Thank you. I only wish us as women would respect one another. Just because a man says he intends on eventually leaving his significant other is still not an excuse to cross those boundaries. A friendship can quickly become and emotional affair. Before I got married and was dating, if I met a man who told me he was separated or in the process of leaving his wife, I walked away. Why? Because they deserve every right to attempt to work on things. It's hard to work on fixing something if you didn't know anything was wrong, and even harder when you are making a conscious effort to resolve whatever issues there are, but he isn't giving 100% as a result of his emotional involvement with someone else. Like the original post said, she didn't realize how many traits her boyfriend had that she appreciated that the married man did not have until she finally cut the affair off. Just because a family is having a rough patch doesn't mean you are allowed to play, temptation stands in the way of them having a true, full shot at trying to fix things.

You are right - and like you, I had walked away from "committed" men. Life isn't always black and white - and these men are really good at manipulation and lies. Mine told me his wife had MS - they had not lived as man and woman for years - he was leaving, but then - she got "worse" - You can't possibly understand the head games until you are there - I couldn't either. I have NO excuse except being STUPID. Frankly - something in the marriage I was "dealing" with OBVIOUSLY has HUGE issues - Think about it - Would you NOT know after 10 years that your husband that you "loved" was involved with someone else? I honestly thought at one point - I was HELPING him bear his burden of the sick wife - LOLOLOL - IDIOT! I wish the best for you - and I'm telling you - I know you are hurting, and hurting bad - and I don't expect you to like who you may think I am - BUT - (and this was my point really) - If your man was/is willing to dump his OWN CHILD - he is NO GOOD. And what he did to you he will do to the next one and the next one - these cheaters hinge on being sociopaths in their own way - they have NO regard for anyone, except themselves. The bottom line in my situation - Their marriage is NOT a happy one (happy marriages don't have an affair for over 10 years and no one knows!????) - BUT - it's easier to stay (on BOTH sides, her's and his) - family, friends and most of all MONEY. And idiots like me make it easy for these cons. I hope you find someone that loves you and your son the way you deserve - I know I will - and will live everyday with the regret that I believed in a NO ONE.

Anonsinglemom,

Your post really hit me where it hurts... I'm so incredibly sorry you are going through this.

I'm glad my story gave you insight; however, I'm in no way proud of what I did. I regret it every day... And wished I had "seen the light" much sooner.

I can say that I was truly manipulated by John and his lies... My therapist thinks he's a sociopath. It's so sad but it sounds like your husband is so selfish... And may show sociopathic tendencies (no empathy)... Especially when it comes to your child. Even if I had been with John.. I know he would never had abandoned his children.

It's weird...I wish I could give you a hug... Even though I was once in a position of someone you much hate so much!! I hope you find comfort in the fact that I have truly renewed myself... And I email with women every day about how to "walk away" from married men. I've actually spoken to other wives like you as well...Who eventually ended up leaving their cheating husbands.

I think you are SO strong for dealing with this...and I truly believe you deserve SO MUCH better... A man that loves you for you. You deserve the upmost of happiness and I pray you find it. I think leaving your husband behind is the strongest and best decision you can make. Why have someone toxic in your life? Your son's life?! Just because your husband isn't heavily involved in your child's life... Doesn't mean another man can't fulfill that role one day... A better, stronger, devoted, more loving man. It makes me sick to believe he doesn't care for his child..but some people are so selfish/self-centered that we have to leave them behind so we can move on.... That's what I did...And I will never look back...

In closing, I have to say that it sounds like your husband is with a HORRIBLE woman... How can he ever truly be happy with her when she sends texts like that?! My gut says he won't ever be happy with her. Maybe one day he will "see the light" as I did.

I hope you find what makes you and your son happy. I will keep you both in my thoughts.

Marygold

1 More Response

OMG! Thanks so much for sharing this, marygold.. Sharing your experience does help me in my own life.. I've been seeing a MM for a year n eight mths... We started as friends.. He told me it was great for him to have someone to talk to, n that he enhJoyed t.a platonic thing.. He cried when I went abroad for a few mths.. Spoke to me everyday.. slowly we became physical as well..
He calls me everyday asks how my day is, tells me what he did, tells me bout his wife n kids- what they do, how they are... We don't live in the sane city- see each other once in four mths..
He used to write letters tellin me he was crazy bout me, at the beginning of our relationship, that I was his support, his treasure.. I was good with it- cos he clearly told me that he couldn't leave cos of the kids... At least until they were settled in life, later it changed to- I dunno what the future holds...
Of late, I've been feeling that I'm the one who invests a hell lot more than he does.. He doesn't say he loves me, doesn't do small things by which I should not get insecure.. And when I told him he says he is sorry for what he is doing to me- tells me he doesn't want me hanging cos he can't give me a commitment.. Wants me to go ahead n find someone n settle down.. I put him on a pedestal, forgave all his mistakes.. Two days ago he told me when we fights with his wife- he thinks that I see the world in him n make him the most happy.. However if I do go out or mention another guys name, he gets bothered n upset n I can see it..
Sometimes I feel he loves me- on other days it is staring at the phone for a message or a call.. U are right I'm realizing now- that I am more unhappy than happy in this.. In a weird ****** way I know I can't n will never be with him, but I wanted to be more than friends- support him in all he does, bandage his wounds n basically be a doormat.. I, in return, cry every night cos I'm unfulfilled.. We decided no physical anymore- that we would be friends.. I told him n he said no problem, but that he always wanted to be around for me n for us to share our ups n downs.. I kept asking him whether he loves me n he kept saying he does, but doesn't want to anchor me to him anymore.. N that he can't do this to me..
I still don't understand what happened.. N whether he is genuine or not :(
I want the strength to leave- but God it hurts so much..

I have a question - I have been involved for 10 years and have never done a single thing to upset the apple cart - although my heart is breaking all the time - but then i hear him, and I get washed in again. I am to the point that I want to tell his wife - although I find it hard to believe that she really doesn't know - What is your opinion - Understand that I am to the point that I just am tired being the only one uncomfortable ....... ?

Don't tell his wife. Two wrongs don't make it right! Don't stoop to his level!

I actually could never bring myself to do that ... I believe she knows, it would be hard to believe otherwise after over 10 years - So - I just feel sorry for the two of them living a lie - but as for me - I've learned a lot about people at this advanced hour in life - and I was foolish for believing in someone that has found an entire life in lies - I am sure I wasn't the first, and doubt I will be the last. So - licked the wounds - will continue to cry at night and one day this awful ache will leave.
Thank you so much for your input ... I needed something on that day - Thank you ....

I know that awful ache kitty1958!! I can't sleep. I've lost four pounds in five days. And . . . I can't concentrate long enough to do my job!!!! I just want to crawl into bed and not wake up!!!!

I understand - I had a break-down of sorts about 2 years ago - These "relationships" are so complex - on so many levels, and as if the emotional complexity isn't enough - you're dealing with people assuming you're interfering with some happy couple - People expect that "we" can just accept this and that, but why the wife or husband is never held accountable for their own unhappiness in their partnerships is beyond me. I'm tired of hearing about what an awful person I am about this - I didn't go after it, I have left before, I don't ever contact him - NOTHING. When I was unhappy in my marriage and had done everything I could - I left, never unfaithful (not that that matters, and I make NO judgments) - If these people were so happy and well connected - WHY are they looking beyond their marriage? And these wives know and stay - the answer is simple - it's easier to stay and collect the check, to keep the friends, to not be alone - then to have the courage to find peace and happiness - and all this crap about "sticking it out" making people committed - SORRY - son't buy it. They stick it out because it's easier to do that. And in some marriages is all in the game - cat and mouse. He cheats, she knows, she gets mad - they make up and life is a high for about a year and then BOOM here it goes again ..... They can keep it - but for people like you and me and other VERY sincere women (or men) WE get caught in an ugly and cruel game - and it hurts - bad. Love to you ... Having this area to vent has been good for me ... it really has.

I am so stressed out right now. Bob just cut it off with me 8 days ago and it has not set in that it is over!!!! We reconnected on Facebook and met once for three nights and three days. After we saw each other about one month ago, we were talking about making a life together. Eight days ago his wife found out about me and he cut all contact immediately! I have contacted him four times through texts and then phone. I spoke with him two days ago and asked for closure so I could move on. He didn't give it to me so i continued to feel stuck. Today was the final blow. I didn't think he could hurt me anymore but he did. He deleted or inactivated his Facebook account. I'm pretty sure his wife asked him to do it. But, I keep holding on that he will come back to me and he keeps getting farther away. He said he wanted to fix his marriage, but with everything we have been through it so hard for me to understand how he wants that!!! All I think about is him!!! I want him back more than anything in my life i have ever wanted!!!! I have NEVER hurt like this in my life!!!!!!

2 More Responses

Oh my gosh...I'm in a similar situation and don't know how to get out of this! I have strong feelings for him but I love my fiance and we are getting married in 3 months...feeling like a horrible fiance :(....I come back and read this article almost everyday for motivation so thank you for writing this! Any further advice would be soooo welcomed :)

Lost1982: I hope you figure it out and make the RIGHT decision! Please stay strong. When I let MM go I definitely still loved him... For a while...But I knew it was the right decision deep down in my gut! Remind yourself how devastated you would be if your fiancé found out...That propelled me forward even more! You can do it!

My gosh...I feel like I'm lost!! I know what the right thing to do is but its hard to make that decision!! Thanks so much for repsonding...I can't tell u how much I appreciate it :) All your advice is greatly appreciated!

I have the same experience until now. He promised the same thing that he will leave his wife because he doesn't love her anymore, but the problem is the custody of his two kids. So there was no divorce happened, he told that I have to wait for 5 years or more so his kids decide whether they still want him or not. It would have been okay if his wife agrees to let him see the kids, but the wife disagrees to let him leave her. Now, I don't know what to do. I love you him too much that it hurts.

I'm in an akward position. I am 19 and I just recently started having an affair with a married man. I'm cheating on my boyfriend who is lazy and frankly a child. It starts over text and then over a few weeks became more. We haven't slept together yet. I don't know that I'm ready to go that far. I know him and his wife personally and she never shows him any affection or acts like a wife at all. She just doesn't care about him. He says he is about to get a divorce and I believe him I'm just unsure at this point. He says he wants a woman who will love him and be a wife and give him children and she does none of the above. What should I do it's driving me crazy!!

Don't have affairs with married men. If they're married and haven't already left their wives to be with you , that means that they don't want you. There is no getting around that. There's no competing with a man's wife for his affection. Also, if he cheated on his wife, he will cheat on you. Lastly, just be single. We're living in the last days, so things like relationships are irrelevant, anyway.

Don't have affairs with married men. If they're married and haven't already left their wives to be with you , that means that they don't want you. There is no getting around that. There's no competing with a man's wife for his affection. Also, if he cheated on his wife, he will cheat on you. Lastly, just be single. We're living in the last days, so things like relationships are irrelevant, anyway.

I am facing a similar dilemma - except, I am single. I am a body, within somebodies, and it is hard to cope. I am in a double-situation like that... except, the other one is a bit NSA. Anyway, your post stirred up in me, a few unresolved feelings, but at the end of the day, I am of one-mind. I don't want to be involved in a relationship, nor do I want a relationship of my own. The trouble comes when I am constantly being reminded of past nothings. I can't, for the life of me, see how anyone can justify loving someone when there's never been any recognizable, considerable effort on anyone's part; to be with me until I was "hooked". Unfortunately, I am not innocent either, I've done my fair share of enticement.

I now understand that relationships aren't for this world - and that's what I struggle with the most. I mean, how does one deal with impending death, not knowing, exactly, what awaits in the hereafter, when they haven't lived. When they've never really experienced love. No, I don't want anyone's pity, and no I don't want attention, but if ever there was any question on anyone's part about how I feel now, then there's the answer.

In the past, I was content to just "try out" relationships until I found the right person, but I would rather risk not being in a relationship, than be part of a relationship - actually, I was never one to be in a relationship to just be in a relationship, but in the end, I faltered. I risked being in a relationship with someone I wasn't sure of, and ended up paying for it, because I thought I had time. But now I would much rather be single, seeing as we're living in the last days. Also, I was fooled into thinking he (the guy I really loved) would actually leave his wife to be with me. Actually, I didn't really believe that he was married, I thought he was just looking for excuses not to be with me, and being the fool that I am, I still pursued him, anyway. That was my mistake. You know, had I known this before, I would never have even liked him, but in the end, I was enticed by his enigma and looks.

So here I am, sitting at my computer, typing this for the people that matter to see, and completely miserable, because I have made my decision. It is one that I battle with everyday, but my mind is made up. I don't want to be in a relationship. I am content to just live, until I die. What a fool I am! I mean, almost everything I had done, from the moment I met him, to the moment I realized that I had been played was to woo him. I should have listened to my brother who said that I shouldn't pursue men.

The title intrigued me, so I read your story. I have been the "wife". I won't dissect your letter which I find highly hypocritical. I could just destroy it point by point. My only comment would be in regard to your sentence "even though John is the one who ruined his marriage, not me. " Sorry. Own it too. If a woman becomes a married man's lover by deception (where the man doesn't divulge that he is married or claims he is "separated"), there is room for forgiveness. but if you know a man is married and is a father, you participate to ruining his relationship and family. Not to say that it wouldn't have fallen apart with another mistress, but knowing he was married you TOO brought great misery to a married couple's life and that of their children. You hurt another woman very deeply. In fact I have zero empathy for your pain as it is nothing compared to the suffering you have created in someone else's heart. If your therapist hasn't helped you to visualize yourself in another woman's shoes (who had qualities the way your boyfriend had after all and but both of you were too selfish to even notice) and tell yourself:" here is a married man, I'm not going there, final", then find yourself another shrink.

Gilgnot: I wrote my open letter on this blog to explain why what I did was the biggest mistake of my life, and to hopefully help others in my situation, not to be criticized. If you are going through any pain, I do truly hope that it passes.

If you read my response carefully, I DO claim responsibility for what happened, ---if I didn't, why would I tell everyone on this blog about it?! Being involved with a married man was demeaning, stressful, unhealthy and outright wrong. I DO claim responsibility in the affair; however, I am not responsible for ALL of it. Oftentimes, women in my situation are blamed ENTIRELY for the affair. We are often labeled "home-wreckers" etc. The "other women" often receive the brunt of the criticism, and the wives often forgive their husbands, displacing hatred solely on "the other woman." Meanwhile, I was NOT the one married!! I didn't break any marriage vows!! A married man pursued me, a married man manipulated me, a married man lied to me (and his wife and children), and still does to this day. The married man lied and manipulated his wife, kids...I was NOT in THAT relationship. If it wasn't me, it would have been another sad young girl.

Please understand that once I "saw the light," I cut off contact completely, changed my job at work (so he couldn't contact me so much), changed my phone number, and pretty much told him I didn't want any sort of relations with him. I went to therapy (and still go to therapy!!), and have been a MUCH happier and healthier person ever since I exited that "dark" stage of my life.

To close... I'll use your words, not mine: Try to "visualize yourself in another woman's shoes." Maybe try to visualize yourself in MY shoes?!? Am I a victim? Absolutely not. I partook, I lied, I was wrong. However, I was also manipulated and controlled by a complete sociopath, who still pursues me (and others I'm sure) while in his "unhappy marriage" to this day....only this time, I'm strong and wise enough to how to handle it.

Also - I don't need your empathy anyway. I'm confident and happy in the changes I've made and I gained plenty of strength from helping other women leave unhealthy relationships to lead healthier lives. (I've actually spoken to and helped quite a few women who are being cheated on by their husbands--go figure!)

Anyway, thanks for listening Gilgnot, I hope you find happiness if you haven't found it already!

I am a wife and trust me marriage is difficult, and when life gets tough men can be cowards they run to others to numb the pain- instead of facing reality. You must have been a rebound,a fantasy,maybe he loved you bec. with you life is easy,no real life problems,no obligations, he can have his high with you, without the obligations. but given that he never left his wife says a lot. If he said he cant leave her out of pity is just a big LIE,obviously he wont tell you the truth about his personal life, in fact he will make stories to destroy his wife and gain your sympathy. He knows your both living a lie,the fact that he knows you have a bf on the side while your with him makes him put you in a diff. Category as his wife. You both have lied and are not loyal and that will always weigh on him. Plus i'm sure he recognizes that his wife and children are his real home, he wont take a risk of loosing his real family,these are people he sees in his future.
Think about it, If its really you, nothing and no one really matters.
I believe you have made the best decision. You will never fully trust him if you guys ended up together, note he fell in love with his wife and married her yet he cheated; he would do much more with you once reality sinks in. Also, do consider the wife's feelings after all you are a woman too. What if this happens to you?
Girl, let him go, a relationship built on lies is not the foundation you want. Build your self worth, don't dwell on those feelings its just not worth it, you deserve someone better someone you can truly call yours.

Exgames: I have moved on and never looked back! 2.5 years and counting. Hardly recognize who I was back then. Happily married now :)

The old MM still wants a friendship, but I can't even tolerate that.. Too disgusted by him and that dark phase of my life. I'm sure he's still unhappily married but that's not my concern.

Thanks for the reply! Hear you loud and clear!!!

Thank you for writing this. I'm sure I'm going to get a lot of how bad of a person I am but here goes nothing. I was 15,he was 18 when we met and went out. We broke up but for 23 years we've has this on & off again relationship. He was my first love and our paths kept crossing but this time its been 6 years straight and I need to say goodbye for good. 2 years ago I walked away for over a year and thought this is it screw him this is wrong I can't keep doing this to myself n all the people we both love but all it took was a weak moment for him to message me and say call me I need to talk to you and I did and back at it again for a few more years. Your article has made me realize even note that I his needs to end and I'm going to do it right now. Thank you.

Good for you shadowx76! You will not regret it. I'm 2.5 years and going strong!!!

My boyfriend is still married and going through a divorce now. When I met him he had just moved out of there house they owned together. We slept together the first night we met and immedietly grew strong feelings for eachother. A month after knowing him I moved in with him into the house he was renting. He had a three year old daughter with his wife which is how she found out about me. She then wanted him back constantly calling and texting him doing anything she could to fight for him. She talked massive crao on him to me and tried to get me to leave. They split up because he cheated in the past and after his deployments he turned into a drunk. She then went and had an affair and that led to them splitting up. But now I live with him and as they are going through this divorce he has had thoughts about going back to her for their daughter. I even found out that he had kissed her a couple weeks ago to see if he still had feelings for her. Which he told me he didn't and now he is fully committed to me and that he just got confused while going through this divorce. Let me just say they have been married for 10 years. I am not wondering if I can trust him or if this is all just a game to him? I need advice....

Kayhat36; I don't know you personally, but as an objective opinion, it sounds like you are in a very unhealthy relationship. I personally would wait until the divorce is over to continue any sort of relationship with him. Do you really think you can even trust him?? I totally get that you love him, but it sounds like you walked into a complete mess!! (his divorce, wife etc.) I would back off until the storm settles---I'm sure you will have a clearer picture them of what to do.

John is a jerk. (ThT is the G rated version)I am so proud of you for making the (very difficult) choice to walk away!I don't know if you realize this or not, don't mean to sound insulting if you do, but when it comes to Johns wife - you can rest assured that everything John told you was somewhere around 80-99% fabricated sprinkled with self pitty and manipulation.Something to remember should you ever need to comfort a friend who has found herself in love as "the other woman" or god forbid YOU ever have to deal with a husband who has temporarily lost their mind and forgotten you are the best thing that has ever happen to them!!Best of luck to you!!

BeenThereDoneThatt: I totally agree with you! You are SO right - so many things he said to his wife were probably fabricated. I was so young and naive. I WILL remember that advice down the road. Thank you!!

I am a 21 yr old and he just recently turned 35. Ive never loved any one the way I love him. He told me he wasn't happy in his marriage and that he was settling with the life that he had. Before me and him even thought about eachother or even letting each other know our feelings he was trying to have kids with his wife. Than one day I resided to tell him how I felt. At first he was scared to even consider being in a relationship with me. I showed up at his house one day when his wife was out of town and thats how it all started. He stoped being with his wife etc....he would tell me how he slept on the sofa every night even before we started talking and how things with his wife we bad for awhile. 4 months into our relationship he tells me that his wife was pregnant with twins (no lie). I thought a piece of my soul had died that day. I couldnt breathe or even look at him. He explained to me that his wife had a miscarriage months before and didnt tell him that she was pregnant bc she thought she was going to have another miscarriage. Weeks and months passed and I still felt horrible about every thing going on. I was preparing myself for the worse. On march 24th the girls were born and I thought I had lost my mind. I cried for hours and days. For awhile I could not recognize myself but i still stood by him. Its now going on 9 months and till this day we have never had a date. He still lives in the same house as her. He still tells me the same thing. ...that hes trying to get his **** together so when it does happen hes prepared. Nothing has really changed except that his kids are born. How can I love him so much. He comes over 3 times a week for an hr or two to hang out or sleep together. He always talks about a future together. He makes me feel so wonderful but at the same time terrible. Im lonely at night. I use to come over and sleep over when his wife was out of town but I cant any more bc of the kids. How do I let go. I have no friends. I lost the guy I loved bc I chose to persue a married man and now theres no turning back. How long do I have to wait...to suffer ...to be unhappy....to cry...

Krystle92

All I can say to you is: I HAVE BEEN THERE!!!!! Are there cases where men leave their lives!? Yes. However, I don't think things look good for you, especially since he just had two little girls. The highs and lows you discuss are EXACTLY how I felt...but you are worth so much more than that! You deserve to be HAPPY----not manipulated (and can I say used?!) by a man. I'm sure he loves you, but the reality remains: he is still married and sleeps with his wife.

On a positive note: I can't tell you how many NEW friends I made once I cut off ties with my MM. I was so closed off, rigid, unhappy--truly lost when with him. Parting ways with him opened doors for me I never thought possible.

As someone who has truly been in your shoes, I think you need to completely break ties. You will be MISERABLE for a while...months, maybe longer . I say this because it's a normal reaction, don't feel like you are crazy or out of control if you are that upset. Crank up the motivational music, cry, see a therapist, and celebrate a new beginning of your life!

It does GET BETTER! I promise. Therapy, new friends, and getting myself out there truly helped. And a good therapist!!!

Maybe he's the type of guy that needs to lose you in order to move forward?!?! My MM was truly living in an idealized fantasy world about what his life would be like with me...sounds very similar to your MM....

Stand up. Be strong...and move on sister! If he loves you, I can guarantee there are MANY MORE that will!

I want to thank Dr okun for the
love spell he did for me that
brought my ex boyfriend back to
me within 2days. My lover broke
up with me 7months ago I tried
everything I could to have him
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online how Dr okun has helped
others to reunite their broken
relationship so I decided to
contact him to help me out. After
Dr okun cast the spell my ex
boyfriend came back to me
within a shot period of 48hours,
ever since he came back he now
treat me with so much love and
respect What I have tried so
much for, was just fix within
48hours. In case you have been
with a broken heart and you
want your ex back just contact
the same man Via his email
okunspelltemple@gmail.com
contact him to help you reunite
your broken relationship

Well am in this situation he comes back to me he divorcing her marrying me than goes back to her than same over a period of time this time he claims he has divorced her and has nothing to do with her uh huh he expects me believe that I asked him to do
Simple thing to prove he not with her and his other exs he refused so there I sent him my heartfelt nasty texts to him told him all done and now hoping to move on. I caught him lying again oh all the promises all the oaths he took nothing all zero so I finished it once for awhile he claims I the only one for him yet he is very discreet and always giving excuse he going here and there during his break when I remember vividly this is same way how he met me too during his break gave up on him cause it was Causing me suffering and he hey he has his other women if not me than another playboy he is who needs him as life partner yes god opens doors if I close the other and hoping and having faith I will find the guy I can find peace and love with amen

I need help, I'll make my story short. I'm 25 and he's 32
I met this MM at the lowest point of his life, he had nothing, he was a bankrupt, his wife despise him, and he felt unloved.
It so happen that I was there and we both clicked, we tried our best to fulfil the needs of each other. He looks after me as if he was my mother, my father and he treats me like a princess. One day he himself informed his wife about our relationship, I was shocked I didn't even want his wife to know. He even filed a divorce to his wife already. Now a month after the wife knew about us, she moved out from their house, leaving their daughter with him. We had a great time after that, we have all the time we want. and we always spend time together.

Now, after a few months the wife decided to fight for him. Her first attempt was not successful. yet after a few weeks she tried again. She was asking him to stop the divorce since she will be getting a new property and while the divorce is on process, she would be having a hard time getting the property. Now my MM is having problem looking after his daughter since he is now starting to grow his business back. One time we had a fought he decided to call his wife and asked her to come back home to look after their daughter. Now she is back at home and I was caught unprepared for this situation. He said he no longer love his wife and asked me to just go with the flow and he will handle things.

I am so sad the past days knowing that his wife is back at home. I don't know what to do. He would just assure me that this will end soon, that he really wants to be with me. he even always introduce me to his friends and new acquaintances as his wife.
Now I don't know where should I stand, should I let him go and walk away as early as now or should I wait and see what's going to happen next.
Thanks.

You are down and sad because you prayed upon a man who was down and sad. It's easy to be a ray of sunshine to someone you have just met. His wife has been through all kinds of **** with him. You were just a distraction. SomeTHING to be used. Be a real person. Like his wife. Find your own husband and see what the reality of marriage is.

I'm going through this at the moment so this was a good read, but all situations are different.

What I don't understand is why you are still with your current boyfriend?. If he was right for you the affair wouldn't have happened, the fact you're still building your relationship back up proves you just aren't right for each other.

I just feel reading this you don't want to be alone so desperately trying to re-build your relationship with someone you don't respect enough to stay faithful too, especially as you'd been together so long, living with each other, and things obviously weren't right.

I'm certainly not having a go, but why don't you find a guy that makes your heart and mind race like your lovers did, and leave your boyfriend to find a girl that truly loves him and will stay faithful, a girl he maybe happier with?.

I'm saying this from first hand experience, I left my boyfriend whom I lived with in the end, you have got to look at the root cause and much of my affair was the result of a relationship at home not as fulfilling and happy as it should be, I tried to make it work time and again, lots of money, pain and stress, but it didn't work. My lover says he will leave his wife, but if he doesn't I'm not running back to my ex, despite the fact we were 95% right for each other, it wasn't enough, and there must be someone new out there that is more compatible.

I think you probably need to move on from your lover (no, after 4 years he isn't going anywhere, it's called having you cake!) and also your boyfriend, start afresh, something new, open new doors and close old ones, both relationships aren't right and to find one that is you need to let go.

Saying that, thanks for this read, I'm about 6 months into the promises to leave, I did the 'right' thing and ended it with my bf, as true love doesn't mean 3 people are in the relationship and he deserves to find someone new. My lover has a kids, business and financial stuff to sort out and build up but I've said no more than a year, as as you've mentioned, too much jealousy, hurt, loneliness at points and it really is an emotional rollercoaster.

Never worry about being seen as the woman that has wrecked a family, people don't know what goes on behind closed doors. My lover lives with someone that is insecure and quite nasty and has put him through hell in the past, he was deeply unhappy and with someone with such confidence and intelligence, his partner just kicked him down. My ex bf was the same, low self esteem put onto me,
and we found we had something in common. Whether we had met or not, both wouldn't be staying with the current partners anyway, it just happens that we met. We will try and make it as easy for all as possible, he kids come first and I will do my best, I'm no home wrecker and feel I can provide a stable and loving home for his kids and also his family. That will be better than his youngest growing up, watching her parents argue, her Dad be unhappy and hearing the nasty words coming out her Mums mouth - in the long run that will be more damaging than a split and step parents being wonderful additions.

I want to thank Dr okun for the
love spell he did for me that
brought my ex boyfriend back to
me within 2days. My lover broke
up with me 7months ago I tried
everything I could to have him
back but nothing works till I read
online how Dr okun has helped
others to reunite their broken
relationship so I decided to
contact him to help me out. After
Dr okun cast the spell my ex
boyfriend came back to me
within a shot period of 48hours,
ever since he came back he now
treat me with so much love and
respect What I have tried so
much for, was just fix within
48hours. In case you have been
with a broken heart and you
want your ex back just contact
the same man Via his email
okunspelltemple@gmail.com
contact him to help you reunite
your broken relationship

I am in the same situation. He says he is there "for the kids". How long do i put up with it. I love this man like i have never loved before. I think i have never really loved anyone. He is everything i have dreamed of and hoped for. Love like this people search all their lives and never find it. I had the chance to do so. I don't want to let it go but it is hurting at the same time as feeling good.

I was with my MM for 5 ½ yrs. That has been his excuse the whole time. He needs to stay for the kids. I assume until they are 18 ? I finally gave up. I moved on. Most likely he will not leave at all. You should find the strength to move on. Quit putting your life on hold for him.

Thankyou :) I was involved in a similar situation for the past 6 months and finally had the strength to break it off last week. Just as a thought i was regretting my decision and believing that i could ''do it'' i stumbled across your story! so thank you

Beautiful!!!! Thank you...These are the exact feelings ive been meditating on. Understading I am unhappy with him and without him. Now I miss him so much but it's no diffrent cuz I did before. So your right if we are meant to be it will happen but that is up to him now.

Wow,I just got more insight on my own situation. The honesty is great. Im 37 been in a bad marriage for 10 yrs.My hearts been breaking and not willing to let go of him at the same time. We are both married so I know I'm willing to risk everything for him. I've got 2 small children he has 2 teenagers. His wife has been unfaithful multiple times. He seemed so sure and she of course starting doing the right thing and wanted to try. He felt awful and I feel crushed. I understand him trying because I'm in the same situation. We were highschool sweethearts and have known we were connected always. Its killing me to think about walking away. I've only physically seen him once and I keep thing if I see him one more time maybe I'll know. Sad I know. I saw him about a month ago after waiting to make sure what I felt was pure and not feelings from the past. So since this started its been almost 7-8 months and my cut off is a year. Its starting to hurt missing him but it feels amazing too because the love I feel is more pure than anything I've ever felt. I'm so afraid of regretting walking away but its hurting not knowing if I'll ever be first? I won't pressure if he feels the same he won't be able to stay away,so well see.

Hi

I was involved with a married man for a few months. I never thought I'd stoop so low. But I did. It took a little while til he was able to break down my walls. He did so much for me at work. He said sweet things to me. Did whatever i needed help with. I thought we became good friends. we would have talks. He even told me he fell in love with me. He was very persistent and aggressive, and i eventually started to fall for him. he made me feel special. one day he started to gently grab my hands, rub into me while he passed by. i pulled away but he still tried to caress me hands. Then out of nowhere when we were alone he kissed me but i pulled away. from there things got intense between us. even if i told him no he'd still touch me in areas. ofcourse i liked it because i cared about him but icouldnt see myself seeing a married man. it went against everthing i believed in. Rather than doing what i knew to to be right. I followed my heart. (Which lead me into a deep ditch) My mind said no but my body and my heart said go for it. i thought i loved him so I started allowing him to kiss me and so much more. Then the first night we slept together his wife pops up when we're finished and I freaked the hell out. even before i knew she was there. I knew something was off. (besides the fact that he was married.) Everything inside of me was telling me to go home. But my flesh faught against it. So as i was saying the wife was there. And she ended up talking to me. and telling me everything was fine and that We could be cool and she said we should hang out.Now tgat was just the oddest situation ive ever been in. It went from sleeping withher husband to her wanting to be my friend. I thought they were swingers but they've never done that before. I thought i was crazy but that S*** was crazy. So we were okay for awhile. but i couldnt be friends with the wife of the man i was so disgustingly in love with. it was just weird. (now the wife and i arent speaking anymore but.she knows something is goin on)Now this guy wants to have a kid with me. idk this whole situation is so twisted. Im starting to wonder if he does this all the time. what really makes me so angry is the fact that i always fall for his lies. Hes such a good liar. And sometimes when i know hes lying, i still almost believe him. He has such a strong hold over me and I hate it. I want to go back to normal but its so difficult. this situation i got myself into ruinned my life, my thoughts. Its hard to be that innocent girl i used to be when all i think about is him. i want my life back.

Stop stop there right now get away from him he is a liar and player and his wife is ok hey I was in that situation too she became manipulative dominating and in the end you will be dumped and he will go back to her hey why not She allows him to sleep around which man will dump that *****. Get yourself out of it all dear no babies from him he doing this to tie you down than it will be more him and her and other woman while your pregnant body begins to take shape get out now you still so young don't you want walk down the aisle and see a man who truly sincerely loves and respects you and is hundred percent single and hundred percent your husband only ? I know I still dream of it and it will happen I will find that man get out now before you get caught in their web of dirty games

You want your life back is exactly how I felt I want my life back I want that happy me back. I questioned myself if he is the right man for me how come I so stressed and unhappy how come my gut feelings telling me this is not right he using you playing you show him you have self worth and respect yourself and finally I ended it with him few days back I feel devastated but what keeps me going is my goal and my aim to get my life back and no one can destroy that my life is in my hands no man can take control of it and destroy it

UPDATE: Just short of two years after writing my story, I have successfully moved on!!! I recently married my boyfriend of almost 14 years, who has been with me through the good times and the bad. Honestly, strength, therapy, love, and time have healed all wounds.

For those women who feel hopeless, you CAN move on - I am living proof!!!!

Yes you have moved ok but two years oh desr sounds so long for treacherous pain I know I did the right thing I hate it when these married men makes us want to believe we the one who wronged or their wives say the same I found out he was sleeping with his best friend when married to her she knew it yet stayed in marriage and get this befriended his best friend but when same happened to me hell broke loose I the criminal wow god this man suck all the blood and strength out of me and thought he could do it again by showing up asking to rekindle but on his terms hell no he can claim he is divorced but with his history don't want anything do with this anymore I just wish I had stood firm and not give him more chances. Stupid word love sure is blind ignore all red flags and negative signs

do what your heart says

Help! I am the other woman and am trying to walk away. This one has the unique twise of being the fellow that broke up with me first when we were 18. And thern again at 19. And then again at 22.

I am now 44 and he came back into my live 6 months ago. And made all sorts of promises. Got mad at me when I didn't trust he wasn't there to break up with me again. He promised to leave his wife in April. Then all of the sudden, claims he can't. That he needs to stay another 2 years until his stepson finishes school. He said the I love yous first. He talked about us "belonging together" first. Not me.

I always felt that we were good together. Even 25 years ago. I speant the first 5 months refusing to believe it would happen despite his incredibly hard work convincing me it would. He even insisted we have "non sex" dates to get to know each other again. And PROVE it wasn't just about sex.

Now my marriage is in shambles and he happily ensconced with his second wife of 5 years. And I just can't seem to be happy again with my husband. But I was before he came back into my life.

I have 2 children with my husband. We have been married 20 years. And he made me believe in him again. I finally started to believe him in December when he talked about going to my kids Xmas concerts next year. I finally believed him. Only to have him change his mind again a month later.

I walked away when he launched this two year thing on me. But I feel a slide back coming. Please tell me how stupid that would be?

Thanks for listening. And appreciate any support. I know I was a fool. And deserve all the misery I got. But I just want to prevent a little more if I can.

i do not know your man, and it seems like i don't even know mine - i had a very difficult situation yesterday, and saw someone who was anything but a loving, caring and wise man i fell in love with 5 years ago.
But i would have given awful lot right now to have a husband and 2 children together, and to be able to work things out with him. There's counseling, there are different stages in life, there are ways to be content and happy without being in honeymoon all the time. But why ruin something stable you have for someone who cannot keep a simple promise, who is not reliable and is not committed. He might be the man of your life, but you might also end up growing old alone, as he'll still be with another woman. Is it worth it?

and no, no-one deserves this misery. God has a better plan for you, try to see it!

Thank you for yout reply. Especially your last comment. You are right. No one deserves this misery. I was not behaving particularly well but I was trying to do the right things. And it has blown up all over me. He was doing the same things and stringing me along the whole time. Totally not reasonable. Thank you.

Yes allie I felt the same too his behaviour was repetitious and full of lies got fed up of him could not tell when he spoke the truth i e if he ever and when he was lying trash don't belong at home they belong in dumpster so I dumped my trash in dumpster

Allie. You will heal only when you realize the pattern this man has set in your life. I'm sure he's got some kind of feelings for you, if it's passion, or some joy in dominating you - who the F cares... The fact is - he's PLAYING with you. It takes a while, but you will get past it and be happy again with your H. Tell H to be patient with you, find any excuse , psycho, menopausal or other and work on yourself to become whole again, while letting H in your heart again. Some people can be nice and sexy but O so destructive to other people's lives... Don't go into self loathing, just because this guy has a screw loose lol. Get angry and insist on being happy again. The only currency in getting past the affair is TIME (and some therapy if you can afford it... otherwise EP will do) Contact me if you need xoxoxo

Thanks, Marmelade. I appreciate your response. I have read and re-read it several times. I don't think he is a bad guy...but he is a bad guy with me for some reason. I really do need to accept that. And for the record, he isn't that sexy at all! Since our 20s he has gained a lot of weight and frankly looks a bit like a freak show! But in the end, I still for him again. Reminding myself that this appears to be some kind of game is helping though. Thank you!

There was a time I was hating myslef so
Much how coukd I have allowed
Him go hurt me by playing his games how could I have sllowed myself be emotionally and physically involved with him knowing his character but this word love was strong on me not to give up he will come around and I seriously thought he did but once again his lies I would catch him made me erupt like a volcanos and spit all the lava on him oh he so hurt he says tsst tsst poor baby but he deserved it how can he think he can beg for me yet play same games with me again and again his game for too boring for me I never saw the to go sign and collect my joy and I had to be firm this time sent him nasty texts to which he has not responded he states it is who I am I am built this way I replied you made me this way yes it will hurt oh I want so bad go in shower and cry my eyeballs full but when I go down memory lane and revisit the moments with him it was all about sex his conversation was about sex when we meet he would imply having thrilling time in bed than after we done and he goes home than he hardly contact me has hundred excuses he busy but when night before day Arrives he is all about calling me oh telling me how much he loves me oh dear I noted he was getting a lot of satisfaction and I was going deep into depression and than realised why cry for man who was just a demanding lover I want a companion a life partner who I can share lots with him he would say why you ask so many questions and think so serious about our relationship just have fun !!! Playboy I just hope one day he meets that woman when she finds out he olaying games and she. Not only his bed warmer will send him to his grave or drag his *** to court these type of men aught to have bad endings

Very stupid but don't be hard on yourself it helps when I write away helping others for I am going through it gosh can't believe the extent a man will go to get all his fun and we women can be so weak and fall for such crap because they tell us what we want to hear so get over him and move on he. It worth it trust me today he can show so much interest tomorrow he will be in someone else arms

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This one is still sooooo fresh..... We've been together for almost 5 years. He said he wanted the life together, and he would leave his wife. I waited. He promised to move in with me a couple of years ago. I was waiting. Then it was a later date, and a later one, and never happening.
A year ago he moved out from there, and eventually told me it was over with his old life. But he was not ready to move in with me (i'm single). I waited...
Today he lied he would meet a (male) friend, while i saw him with his ex. Made a scene, called him a liar - it did not look at all like it was all over with her - why give me this crap of empty promises???
I know he may not call. I still love him, miss him, and feel like the life is over. I guess i knew the consequences when i started the scene, but i could not anymore let him look in my eyes and lie and give me empty promises.
We were so close, that i believe few people are - understanding, feeling each other. Working together was great too - and i'll still have to figure out that part.
But i cannot put my life on hold and waste year after year waiting for him to follow through on his promises. But i don't want it over, i want our life together, the one we dreamed about, the one he promised - i care, i love him. If it was coming, i could wait.
i am probably not making much sense now. I simply don't know how to live through the next hour...

It will get better sweetie in time.I too had to walk away after 5 yrs. Focus on you get strong but your mind to other things.If he really is gonna leave her, he's got leave her for himself anyway or its not gonna work anyway. Do your thing now girl take your frustration out in exercise, or a hobby you enjoy, get to know you, get string , build your confidence.Then you will find a wonderful man who deserves your attention. Good luck , It hurts like he'll now, but will get better.. :)

LS, how long ago did you walk away? I am not judging anyone, and i was not happy in my first marriage either. But our situation now is different - i am single (divorced 6 years ago), and he claims that it's over with his past. I don't think he loves her or wants to be with her, but he is trying to be nice, while there's no future there, and he is killing our future over it...
it devastates me. If it was just someone on a side whom i dated casually and who turned out to be just a bastard, it would have been easier. But this was a person with whom we planned the whole life, and actually have built so much together over the years, anything between the house and the business. How can he be so foolish to throw it all away???

Only recently walked away about a month ago. We were so eager in the 2nd year of it made plans I seen a lawyer and all.lookin back now I really didn't have many major marital issues, we just lacked passion n drifted apart .mm n my desire to be with him n start a new life , pushed me to cus fights at home .I don't now why yours wants to throw it away probably because when it comes down to getting a divorce n breaking up a family, the finances, the kids if any that's the hardest.then there's the horrible stigma that comes with it, he/she left the family/spouse for some one else. Then everyone thinks bad of you esp. Friends , family, inlaws.If kids are involved outta of anger and hurt the jilted spouse tells the kids daddy left us for someone else. It's just so hard.your mm may love you n wanna be with you very much , but the guilt and shame is so unbearable sometimes it's easier to stay.Its probably killing him too, but he can bring himself to do it.also if the spouse found out the guilt, the using the kids or the family, just throwing it all in your face how could you do this too us the tears the hurt it all weighs so heavy.Its such a horrible situation.I have friends and customers that have even when as far as the other woman gets her divorce, he backs out last minute and she has nothing.In the long run sweetie your better off cus most of them do cheat again after yrs with the ow too. 1 of my customers carried on an affair for 10 years, his wife finally caught him they ended it he moved in with ow, which she only got him cus wife threw him out so it was by default not want.Then he cheated on other woman twice now that he's finally free from wife but still tells me he's still in love with wife.Thats not the first story I heard like that either , they finally get kicked out or become free then they want to date a little they realize before getting tied down again.It really sucks. I work with the public so I hear so much..good luck I hope I helped a little..hugs

Because he is but why you throwing away your precious life away I would always ask myself what would Jesus do. Simple he would never love dishonesty and this man is dishonest. Don't waste your precious breath life and time on this guy

Wow spoke exact my thoughts he kept me hanging making me beleive his lies today tomorrow but. Never happened until I told him ok you want me back sure let us get legally married than we live as husband and wife oh he came up with hundred excuses most being I the bad one he csnt marry me but wants me and loves me and wAnts we have physical relationship only in the name of love. Oh gave him
The boots hurtful but I realise as I text this away hey why you feeling bad he lost you won you got away from this dishonest man so I should not feel any remorse on contrary I should feel relieved and saved myself from future resentment and stress and who knows miseries too better now than later better now than never it is never too late

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Thanks for sharing.

I was seeing mine for 18 months and never once did he say that he would leave his wife and although we had some good times I never felt like number 1 or number 2 I probably didn't even feature in his top ten. Of course he said he loved me and he has kept the game up for 18 months. He doesn't seem to care that he is taking my precious time. He wants me regardless of the cost to me. I have finished with him for the last time now. He will be after me again trying anything he can to get me. He never loved me. if he loved me he would let me go. I was just an object to him

Romany,

I felt the exact same way - like I was #2. You are right - you deserve to be #1--all the time! I hope you are strong enough to evade his attempts to reach out and use you again. I do believe he probably has feelings for you, but being in relations with him will only preclude you from finding true happiness with another person. You deserve MUCH more than the "little" of him that he gives you. And you are right, if he truly cared about more than himself and his needs, he would let you go, but he is living in his own selfish world where he is the center of the universe. Please move on. It is possible and there will be light at the end of the tunnel. There was for me :)

Thanks Mary, yes he probably did have feelings but was too scared to act properly on them. He wanted to live in a kind of semi- fantasy which is good for him but not productive for me. I have not spoken to him for 9 days and im starting not to care about him now. Apathy and despair has set in. Im glad you are through this now. Thank you.

You have to get angry at how you are treated, in order to get past this. No one takes advantage of you if you don't allow it in the first place. I think it's a painful yet very valuable lesson going forward. 10 months down the line I feel the affair has also had some beneficial effects on my self worth, as I had to pick up my scattered pieces and rebuild from the ashes. The issue is to let go of the notion that HE was the only one that will ever get you, love you, or make you less alone in the world. It was beautiful and now it's over... there will be more love for us when we're good and ready. But first you have to reject the weak, cowardly, accepting, forgiving, self effacing character you had become in the affair...

Thank you for sharing, I am in a similar situation. In mine it was an emotional affair in which I am unhappily married and he is living with long term girlfriend. I am wondering how are you doing now? Are you still with your boyfriend?

I am with my current boyfriend, now fiance. It took a while, but we repaired our relationship; however, it wasn't until I completely let go of my MM that I could build a new relationship with my fiance.

Great article with excellent insights. Good for you.

Thank you for this wonderful site and perspective. I was involved with a MM whom I had known for 6 years but didn't take it to the next level until 6 months ago. He promised me he was leaving his wife after the holidays and that she had agreed to this. He did move out in January but eventually moved back and finally told me that he didn't know if or when he could ever leave. So it is now over. I'm devastated, sad, angry!!! Its been less than a week and I haven't heard from him, which I'm glad about. I tell myself to just get through the hour or the next 15 minutes...whatever it takes so I don't reach out to him. I deserve better than to settle for being dragged along. I want more from a relationship. The starting article that mentioned the extreme highs and the low lows..was so accurate. I agree when I look back on it objectively, it was some of the saddest times I've felt. I don't want that any more I just want this aching in my heart to go away. Thank you again for your insight.

Good for you Annmarie! Stay strong. Expect him to contact you again. Please ignore him, as it is very easy to fall back into things.

You deserve SO much more!!

GemGirl.,

My MM also "moved out" but moved right back in. He also told me he was "leaving" after the holidays...holidays were always an excuse.

You SHOULD be angry! He is preventing you from finding happiness..dragging you along is his confused and frustrated state.

You are completely right - you DO deserve better! If you truly do want to move on, ignore hi when he contacts you (as I can almost guarantee you he will)..

I promise you your aching heart will go away! It does take time though...expect to have good days and days where you are just so sad and need to cry.

Time does heal, as cliche as it sounds.

Please be strong; if I can do it, so can you!

In their confused and frustrated state they are dragging along a girl who is also confused and frustrated because of what he has done...

Thank you so very much for your kind and supportive message. It has been a month and it is better but is still painful and sad. I Just focus on each day it does get a little easier. Thank you!

Hello Marygold thank you for your inspiration and support. I am feeling stronger every day and while I still miss him I move forward and work on putting me back together. You were right he did contact me... To offer me more of the same. As hard as it was I said no thanks! Haven't heard from him since..,that was a week and a half ago so maybe I won't hear anymore. I try not to worry about it though I still think of him and us many times a day. Thank you for listening

Oh dear I feel like you talking about the guy I just dumped dear dear everyone here has gone through similar experiences and pain I have and you stated in jan so did mine he said he left her in jan too but than does not want commit to me because I bad one but wants a relationship like a distant one with me oh no with his history of affairs after affairs I refused he acts like oh he heartbroken. And I hurt him to the bones um he can't get me with his emotional game

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I never, in a million years, thought that I would ever find myself searching the Internet for the keywords "Being the Other Woman". I was completely happy and content in this role. But here I am. After 7 years of an online, long-distance affair with a MM (punctuated by a few adventuresome, intimate meet-ups), his wife discovered the affair and suddenly, after years and years of "you're my best friend" and "I'm so glad I can share anything with you" and "I can't imagine my life without you", I have been cut off. Just a short note asking me to "delete everything" and saying he has to "fit into his life" and doesn't want to continue to be "discontent". No mention made of my own discontentment and not so much as a "thanks for everything!" I am married, too, but I built a lovely, secret life around this man that has sustained me through a very unsatisfactory marriage. We were, literally, in touch, multiple times every single day, via email, text, phone, and Skype, for 7 years. We've shared a rich, passionate friendship. I have been there through depressions and illnesses and work problems and even the birth of his first kid. Hell, if he was lost while driving, he'd call me up to Google Map-it for him! I know I sound kind of glib here, but I am aching to my core. Everything in me wants to put together a reasonable, impassioned email, asking for some explanation and validation that what we had was valuable to him as it was to me. Anything. I can't eat. I can't sleep. I cry continuously. I miss him like a lost limb. I have the lovely email all composed, but before I hit send, something compelled me to look for some support. I'm an intelligent, attractive, kind, woman and a devoted friend. Should I really HAVE to send such an email after so many years of being the good sidekick? I never wanted him to leave his relationship. I was/am perfectly content to have a great lover in my corner whom I felt I could depend upon and turn to. There wasn't a subject in the world on which we couldn't converse and I treasured that. Now, I feel like, even though I was understanding and supportive and great, I am no longer deemed good enough to even be SECOND best. How can that be? Do I send this email? I appreciated some of marmelade's comments below. If you are out there, you seem like a reasonable, centered person. PLEASE help me.

I'm sorry you're hurting Katjaf. My MM acted the same way when discovered, then came back for another three years of a cat and mouse game, which I don't recommend... it's demeaning in the extreme. That said, I understand you completely, as I was so happy when he came back saying he wanted me in his life no matter what. It was never the same though, as we saw each other much less and relied on electronics more and more until she discovered one of his (undeleted) sexy text to me and gave him an ultimatum (so he said). This is the weird part of this kind of relationship. As loving, intimate and close as to is, it's all about filling our selfish need and living a fantasy...Would I change anything? Still a resounding NO. We loved each other for 6 incredible years, we experiences agony and ecstasy in the extreme, and I wouldn't have been able to disconnect from that. I was planning to leave when my youngest was going to college, and had I been discovered, I believe I would have left then. BUT... and that's a big one, I wasn't the one that was busted so I can't really judge the pressures MM went through... MM used to describe days on end of crying, lamenting, anxiety ridden fights etc etc and the fact that he engaged in them and stayed put meant to me that he cared about his marriage and his life and was just "playing" with me. Since the beginning my logic has always been alive and well, but my emotional need won every time and I just accepted it as my reality... I was married and had a lot of problems at the time and couldn't leave without feeling like a real rat, jumping off a sinking ship.... I allowed my MM to treat our relationship as secondary because I figured it was better than none at all...
I figure that if he's acting like this towards you, his wife is controlling his every move and he is allowing that in order to stay married. You want to believe he never meant to hurt you, but at this point it's him or you, and as affairs are selfish in nature to begin with, now comes the time of ultimate selfishness. He's saving his own skin. I think that if you send your letter, his wife will read it and you may not even get an answer OR she might contact your husband to make you stop... Are you ready for that? knowing he's not with you any more? It's a tough blow Katjaf, and I've been through hell healing from this convoluted love. I suggest you write your letter as a story here, just to get it off your chest. You must know that he's suffering too, but had to make a final decision... I'm here for you whenever you need. Just know that there is life after this affair, it just takes T I M E, therapy and EP is a great help xoxoxo big hug

You are a godsend. I cannot thank you enough for just taking the time to acknowledge and respond to me. I'm sure it cannot be easy for you to dredge up these painful things, but, as you well know, this is an extremely lonely and isolating position to be in. ironically, the shared secrecy that has fed the intimacy and passion with my mm for so long is the same thing that has me feeling so adrift now. Who could I possibly talk who would not immediately judge me or simply advise me to get the hell out? I, too, have teenage children whom I have tried to raise with integrity, healthy self-esteem, and boundaries. I am well aware of my duplicity. But I am also a creative, passionate, intelligent woman who is "unequally yoked". I felt dead inside for years before my mm came into my life. For 7 years, I have enjoyed more creativity, more passion, more fun, and even more professional success (because I am better at 'thinking outside the box'). I am convinced that this affair has made me a happier, more relaxed parent and has even helped to keep me reasonably content with my less-than-stellar marriage. For my mm, I have been a stalwart support system, a needed confidante, and a source of fun and joy, which were lacking. Neither one of us prodded the other to leave our marriages or shirk our responsibilities. How can this have been ALL bad? My feelings are further complicated now by the fact that he has contacted me, after weeks of silence, telling me tales of the pain and rehashing and crying and fights that have gone on in his home. I hate that I am implicated in that. I hate that he was stupid enough to have been caught (she found several intimate emails). And now i hate - despite the enormous relief of having finally heard from him - that I have to make some kind of choice. He's under constant surveillance now. Our time together will be very limited and risky, if it happens at all. Do I risk it to hold on to some level of happiness with someone in whom I have invested so much time, energy and love? If I DO decide to eventually leave my relationship, I don't want it to be because my hand was forced. I don't expect you to answer this. I know that no one else can tell me what to do and the insights you have already shared are invaluable to me, believe me. It means the world just to be able to say these things - finally - 'out loud', so to speak. For the first time in weeks, I feel a little less alone. Thank you!

Your right no one can tell you what to do. It's incredibly hard, lonely, and just a horrible situation to be in. My mm had been caught too 2yrs in .It's been almost 5 I've decided to walk away. After being caught things to change the time is less it's just not the same. The best advice I could give would be for both of you to walk away .Decide individually what you want to do in your own marriages. Leave or work on it. Like you said neither of you want to be the consolation prize cause its forced, due to his wife finding out and throwing him out, or you feeling forced for any reason.That being said whatever each of you do individually, If you both single for your own reasons, not each other, then you can't start a real healthy positive relationship together. Or be single and find yourself again, or someone new. Either way it has to be done for you not him.

i know that you are right and appreciate your response. Good for you for making yourself a priority and getting out. I am trying to gather the courage to do the same. It is really hard when you have wrapped yourself up in someone else for so long.

Yes I know , its so hard when he has become your world. For me its bcame a little easier that he was a little nasty towards the end. I had a bad night last night he had to send some hurtful texts. So I went to bed early with a heavy aching heart and cried myself to sleep.. good luck youll know when its your time to let go..

What an awful way to spend your Valentine's Eve! I don't even know you, but I know that NO ONE who sends you hurtful messages deserves your time, attention, and love. I try to see each slight, or snub (like no messages today), or stupid action as a message from the Universe that it's time to cut my losses and move on. Thanks for your support and Happy Valentine's!

Your welcome. We are all here for the same reason same situations. Support n understanding in this difficult, confusing, scewed up, lol , time. Thank u for ur support too.Your right I gotta keep remembering the snubs, hurtful messages etc are not loving not deserving of my time. Happy valentines day to you too,hope its a nice one regardless. Focusing on other things today, heavy hearted, but thankful his true colors are showing before I destroyed my h and son for him.. hugs :)

Thanks you for all of your posts to help those of us still hurting. I cry as I write this just wishing for the heartache to go away. I know it takes time...I just wish I knew when I would start feeling better. My MM hasn't reached out to me and while part of me is glad for that, there is a part of me that feels so sad for that. Didn't anything we had matter? Don't I matter? This is such a crazy time. Thank you for giving me a place to write some of this down and share how bad it feels.

I am right there with you. It feels horrible to be ignored on Valentine's Day, especially. And I have asked all the same questions.... didn't any of it matter to him? Wasn't any of it 'real'? We had seven freaking years of almost-daily contact! Unfortunately, the more posts I read on this site, the more I begin to come to the conclusion that, in many, many cases, extramarital affairs do not carry the same emotional weight or 'importance' to the MMs involved as as they do to the women who love them. I am sure you are a beautiful, valuable person and deserving of so much more than you are getting. Other women on this site who have been through it promise that the pain does get better with time, especially if we devote our time and energy to finding ourselves again. Hang tough, girl! You are better than this.

Thank you for your kind words and support. It's wonderful that someone I don't even know would take the time to offer me support and encouragement during this difficult time, thank you Katjaf! I hope your time gets easier and you emerge an even better and stronger person from going through this tough time. I am working on moving myself forward. I've decided today to unfriend him on FB, more for myself than anything..it's just another way to cut my ties with him and try to heal my heart and rebuild my life. Thank you again for listening and offering words of encouragement!! You are a great person, I know that already about you!

Likewise, sweetheart. Every woman - and man, for that matter - deserves someone who is proud and happy to love them openly and honestly, without all this secrecy and baloney. I am coming to understand that those of us who gravitate toward these kinds of secret, unhealthy, and often impossible relationships do so largely because we fail to sufficiently value ourselves. I know that if I had had more self-respect and healthy self esteem, when it became obvious that this mm would NEVER make me a priority, I would have cut ties and never looked back. Instead, I cried for weeks. Unfriending this man on FB is one of the most positive and healthy things you could possibly do, though I know it can feel like severing a limb. Closing that door is the only way to open new ones. Good for you!

Thank you katjaf! You really helped lift me up. I am doing better and getting stronger every day. Hope you are doing well!

I am doing a little better every day, checking my 'secret' email account less, wondering what he is doing less and less... especially in light of the fact that he does not appear to be wondering anything about me. Lately, I look forward to jumping on this site, instead, for the encouragement and smiles I used to get from my MM. Thanks!

Hi katjaf, I want to encourage you like you have done for me. Please hang in there and while I'm not sure I understand about the secret email I figure it's probably like me checking my phone to see if he has texted me. It and I am getting better about not doing it as frequently....sometimes self talking that I will not check for x amount of time. I am also seeing a counselor (went one time so far) and I told her I think I now understood what it must feel like to be a drug addict looking for a fix. Sometimes that's how I feel talking my self out of contacting him. Some days I say ok just make it an hour and if I can't so that I say ok make it 15 mins and then I go from there. The counselor told me there is a period of withdrawal so that made me feel better. I really do appreciate having this forum and talking to others who are going through the same thing. Please don't hesitate to share and I will do the same. We will get through this and come out better on the other side!!!

hugs to you ann xoxo

Hugs and thanks to you!

This man has treated you very badly. He has no respect. All those years you were a faithful friend to him and he drops you like a one night stand?? I don't understand how people can behave like this and without feeling guilt. I have given up trying to understand how some people tick. It sounds to me like he views people as objects. He may or may not repspond to your email but even if he does respond, will he be sincere? will he just make excuses for himself??

You are very insightful. Now that I am starting to have a little distance from our daily contact (It's been 3 weeks since he was 'caught' and I was 'dumped'), I have started to get a more objective view of his behavior. He lied to her and used me for his own amusement. When he got caught,, he jumped ship as fast as he could to save his own skin. But I also think maybe I brought some of this on myself by devoting so much time, attention, and love to someone who was clearly a bad choice to begin with. So I feel brokenhearted, lonely AND stupid - all at the same time. Ugh.

That's normal to feel like that. I question my judgement too but on the other hand, we tried. We went into it in good faith. it does not make us stupid it just makes us human. we live and learn.

That's very true. I really was following my heart on this one. Though it makes me question the wisdom of doing that.

Its just how we are. We follow our hearts. Its extremely hard not to.

Honestly, I don't know what I would do without this community right now. i am very glad that you and these other women are out there. People who have never been in this position tend to be very judgmental of any woman who would allow herself to become 'The Other Woman' in the first place. But it has been my experience that we are largely a group of open-hearted, passionate, kind people who just threw our love in the wrong direction. Just read through all of the compassionate, supportive responses on EP and that becomes very clear.

Hello and once again thank you all for your support, encouragement and even hugs! Today marks 4 weeks since he returned home. It seems like so much longer. I am here fighting through the emotion of it all and while progress is slow...it is progress. He did contact me and tried to make me an offer of more of the same...being the woman on the side. I told him no way..I'm done being the other woman! I deserve better and will not settle. It was difficult but when the call was over I felt empowered. Not so rejected anymore...I rejected him and his offer now! I would like to recommend a good book I found and am reading...it has helped me. The title is, " It's a Breakup not a Breakdown". By Lisa Steadman. I got it for $4.00 on amazon. Best $4.00 I ever spent! Thank you all again and hang in there! You are worthy of a good love!

Thanks! I'm going to go look up that book right away. I have also really been helped by a website I found when doing my 'Other Woman' internet search. It's called Baggage Reclaim and its a blog by another woman who has been in our shoes. Lots of posts about having healthy self esteem and having boundaries and recognizing bad behavior for what it is. GOOD FOR YOU for not agreeing to play the game on his terms anymore. Excuse me, but that is utter bullshit. Glad to hear that you are taking back your power!

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Please someone help me... I have been married but I loved someone else and he loved me too. Now I am getting divorced but he cannot marry me and he is getting married to another girl whom he doesn't love but wanna keep me as his mistress. Of course, he didn't use the word but...
Anyway, he went it meet her in a diff country an before going, he was all head over heals for me and he didn't tcontact me at all for 24 hours. We hv never stayed without any contact for so long.... I felt miserable and all kind of thoughts were on my mind. I knew they will sleep together even wen he said he isn't going for that... He slept with her and she was in his arms all night long. He says he felt ok while sex but didn't enjoy it. I asked a few more things and I asked coz I have shared very single possible detail of my relationship with my husband. I had restricted sex with my husband coz I didn't want to hurt him. I never did a lottttt of things in my marriage all dese years and he did it in one night.I as miserable in 24 hours and called him from Skype so my number doesn't go as he askd in case of emergency. He got reallyyyyyy mad at me and he said I must obey his orders at any cost. I felt like a slave. He says I don't deserve to know any details of what he did with his wife n what he didn't. He lied tk me allllll along when he wanted me to share what happened between me and my husband. Today, I am taking dos divorce coz of him and he has made me feel being used emotinonally and physcially. I wish he feels this pain sometday. I have done a lottttt for him in last four years. I have spent every single second living for him. Everything to suit his needs. I don't know wht to do. I feel absolutely lost and so used and played. I feel like dying.

U poor thing, u have been used! cut ALL contact, hold ur head high and walk away, never let this man come into ur life again, he will get whats coming to him, u just fix ur own life up!!

Needurgenthelp,

Please cleanse yourself of this man at all cost. Run for the hills. He sounds toxic, untruthful, manipulative, and downright condescending. He is not healthy for you.

Don't think of yourself as played, think that you tried the best you could under the circumstances. You followed your heart. You stayed true to yourself. Dont blame yourself!

Pick yourself up and hold your head high. You should be ANGRY!! Channel that anger to moving forward, being empowered, and to starting new beginnings. You never know how strong you have to be until it's the only choice you have! Now is your chance.

Don't look at this as the end of your life; look at this as your moment to seize control of your life!!

You are so wise for someone to young, Mary. "You never know how strong you have to be until it's the only choice you have" is now on a sticky note on my desk top. I am really struggling to tap into my own justifiable anger after 7 years of being jerked around. Thank you for your smart responses. I am so glad that your life is finally working for you!

Oh I am sorry for you. I've just ended my affair. I am glad to be rid of the idiot.

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I hope this board is still active!! I met someone online 3yrs ago and we became good online friends instantly. We chatted daily several times for 2yrs. The 3rd year, we started to text and use face time and the texting is all day into the evening. I awake every morning to a video message along with text and the night always ends in texting. 6 months ago, we met for the first time and it was instant connection. I am in my 40's and I felt like a teenager... we connect on every level, he is such a gentleman, he is everything I had ever wanted in a partner. He told me his full name (which ill get back too) and two weeks later we met again, this time spending the night together... I must first say, we are in a long distant relationship. He had taken care of all the reservations and it was a night never to be forgotten, was truly magical, unlike anything i have ever experienced before. He too agrees. The receipt was left behind, and the name was different than what I had been told. I did some internet searching, and low and behold ... he is fully married with kids. He had told me he was very single and had been for about 10yrs (divorced) I am sooooo inlove with him and I dont know what to do. I believe when he tells me he loves me as he married very young because of a child - i did the math and found family tree information etc... she would have been almost 5months pregnant when they married. What hurts is the fact that he has lied, now like many other posts ive read here ... I am waiting to see what happens next .. maybe he will leave her, maybe he will find courage to tell me, perhaps he didnt mean for "us" to happen and now he doesnt know how to fix it thinking ill walk away... we have been together several times since, as i said he refers to me as his girlfriend and thats been almost 7 months now... i have never been to his place or met his friends/family = vice versa. Please help me, I so badly want him to be the one ... but im thinking im being foolish. :(

Dont trust him! Once a liar always a liat, he has lied about his identity, his being, who knows what else he is capable of? Walk away for ur own sake

In search for help, support in making a decision on such a big journey I never thought of experiencing i found this great site. THANK YOU!!!!

Here's my story and truly hope i can get assistance and support to make the right decision. I met the men of my dreams exactly 2 years ago and he swept me off my feet from our first look at each other it was like a lightning bolt. At that time i had been divorced for 8 months. We met in an ODD way, like fate driven way. Not easy part we met at work, so yes we work together. We were introduced and he took the bold move of contacting me and we began friendly conversation after a few days of conversation he mentioned during a phone call he had to go that his other half was home. I was stunned and said WHAT? To make a long story short i asked for explanation and was very honest with me and told me that he was married but for years it had drifted and the immediate connection he felt for me was something he had never experienced before and that he really wanted to get to know me better. So at that very moment i should have ran for the hills. However the connection was powerful. As our conversations grew stronger we became closer as friends He was a true gentlemen with me and we spoke about all kinds of topics. Children, life, how when you get married at a young age you drift apart later in lifein love and it's not really true love. ++++. The relationship continued to build and about a month in he asked me out on a coffee date we had a great time and spoke for 4 hours. No kiss, no physical encounter strictly great conversation. From the date he asked me out 3 more times to Dinner dates, again truly amazing all based on coversation no physical. On our 5th date he planned a nice evening out. we went to dinner and the night was magical. We finally kissed for the first time and I can tell you that the energy, Chemistry and connection we both felt was absolutely incredible. that very moment we both new there was something big between us. from the point on forward we began to get closer as a couple and dates. As it was we already spoke most of the day and night every day and had our proper date nights. 5 months into the relationship, he was a true gentlemen. He is very detailed and always leaves me lil thoughts and hallmark cards, poems to show me he cares besides all of the attention he gives me. at almost 5 months of our growing relationship we had still not been intimate. We had spoken about it and discussed our different views on intimacy are likes and dislikes but our foundation was strong on friendship and very emotional so we were not rushing it. At 6 months we finally do and it was even a bigger high emotionally for us we realized we connect in every level. Since then we have grown immenseky as a relationship. He tells me everything and sometimes even tells me things I rather not here. but our communication is excellent and we spend allot of time together. We experience concerts, date nights, movies, intimacy ++++ as a couple, however fear of hurting his Wife as has no one in this country fills him with dread. I understand him as he is a good man and does not want to hurt her and to me it shows respect as a man on his side. We have cried together and ultimately i have told him i want the best for him. I value his friendshio and love him very much and his well being is my priority. He knew i go to a counselor and we discussed it and told him that perhaps he should see a counselor to see if he can get help for his anxiety and overwhelmed state. He agreed and began to go he had individual sessions as I continued to have mine too. He asked if him and I can share our counseling session discussions and I agreed and we were very open with each other. Counseling was helping him deal with his overwhelmed state. However, when the counselor was ready to begin to help him deal with the crossing over phase he freaked out and stopped going. (THAT WAS A HUGE RED FLAG FOR ME) that clearly told me that he was not ready to do move on with the life he had been planning with me. He spents holiday time with me, he loves me very much as his actions prove it to me. I can't say he has done anything to me for me to let go as he is amazing with me in many ways. However, the one thing i have been dealing with is the fact im single, I have alot of other opportunities that are willing to give me 100% and i close all my doors and have had my life on hold for 2 years waiting for this BIG thing to happen and nothing. Allot of talk about it always but no steps to do it.... For me he is the type of men i can see myself with as our chemistry and connection still till today is incredible. I have had friends that have decided not to stick around support me going through this journey as they feel he is stringing me along and will never jump ship. Hard part is he makes me weak, I have never felt this in love with anyone, and anytime i try to detach or let go he wraps me right back in. We work together and live a few blocks from each other not knowing before we met. I know he is in love with me no doubt but i deserve a relationship all of my own and not tobe stuck in this rollercoaster. Lately i have noticed after we spend a beautiful day together outdoors enjoying a romantic picnic, movies and dinner. The next day he dissapears and not one word from him. as it bothered me i told him and he told me unfortunately when i leave you i dont want to leave as that is the life i want and when i get home i relaize that is another reality i have to deal with and im soooo overwhelmed i stick my head in the sand and escape from the world to not deal with the anxiety. Today shy 2 weeks of the NEW YEAR i want to make a decision, he begs me to not give up that we will make it happen this year. I have had allot of patinece, I have never pressured him or done anything to hurt his home life and never will. However i know i dont deserve to be someones second choice or share the man i love with someone else. I know even if I leave him he will end up divorcing eventually as he is misserably unhappy and lacks love and many other things. But I cannot keep putting my life on hold for his fears. What do I do I LOVE HIM deeply and know he does too. Our relationship is beautiful and he treats me like a queen and most difficult and devastating part besides the connection is loosing a best friend we have confided so much in each other and are so natural around each other that any obstacle or convo we can deal with it so well... Please i need your assistance to know my next steps and build the courage to move on and close this chapter. THANK YOU!!!!

If you really want him, you will have to disconnect. You will get your answer very soon in this way. I dragged my affair for years and eventually had to let go. Success comes to those who dare demand to be treated as his first priority. If you give him patience and understanding, you will never have him. Good luck no matter what :))

Thank you so very much, that is exactly what i want to do but dont seem to build the courage of disconecting but i know i must. I greatly appreciate your response, truly helpful. :)

Your courage will determine your future with him... trust me, just out of years of pure bliss and love but he just couldn't bring himself to hurt his wife and grown daughters. What a waste of love.... learn from my experience, see what happens when you pull your full weight!
Or not...
Or just enjoy what you have and have a broken heart when the time comes. Sorry baby... it's a tough one, they NEVER leave, please read "a splash of cold water" by Imaskolya - you will get the full picture. People come and go on EP, and there is a lot of wisdom in past posts. If you feel you have a chance - heed the advice and act now. xo

How can I say it... me and the now MM were dating about 3 years ago but had to brake up because the ex girlfriend was pregnant. We had been dating for about 1 year and 1/2 when we found out she had a baby. We talked it through and said it was best for the relationship to end even if we still loved each other. Even if we made plans of engagement. I just couldn't leave a baby without a father. After 3 years of the brake up I met a wonderful man which became my husband and now have a precious family. The thing is the both of us lets say his name was "Charlie" by Destiny or whatever force both of our families became friends. Even if our current spouses didn't know me and Charlie used to date. We became friends and our now children get great along togethe. Its been almost a yeat that Charlie started contacting me again and I would be lying if I said I didn't love him anymore. Because I do, He 's the love of my life and he loves me too. It's hard to explain but we got physical about 6 months ago and it's just amazing how the sparkle and flame are still there. He's married with a woman he doesn't love but stays with her for his children. Same situation with me. Has anyone have this experience.? And Marigold can you give any advice?

BeautyS2,

I can completely relate to the love, spark, and passion you feel for your MM. It's clear you love him and loves you -- no one can take that feeling away or even describe how wonderful it feels.

In my humble opinion, I believe thinking realistically will help you here. Think about your children for inspiration ...I am worried for you because of the chaos and horror that could result if your spouses, children, and friends were to find out you were having an affair. Would you be prepared to handle your children hating you for cheating on daddy?! I say that with ZERO judgement, purely as an observation and possibility, as I was often scared of being caught and what others would think of me being a "homewrecker." I know I wasn't prepared for that chaos, which is part of why I walked away.

That being said, making your OWN decision versus having your cover blown is crucial here...

You need to decide for yourself if you want to be in your marriage-- whether it is for your children or to rectify things with your husband, or both...If you do, then run for the hills and end the affair. Period.

However, If you are truly not happy with your marriage and it isn't salvageable, then I wouldn't stay in it. Staying unhappily married for your children while continuing to have an affair is so unhealthy and damaging, physically, emotionally, and psychologically. I didn't even have children and I still feel damage from it occasionally; I'd hate for you to carry that baggage with you.

In other words...I would make a decision and stick to it ASAP. Affairs are fun, romantic, exciting, and risky, but it sounds like there are MANY big and little people involved that could complicate things for you.

I know-- making a choice is easier said than done. Play out each scenario in your head, staying unhappily married or leaving your husband--- which will make you happiest AND is plausible/realistic given all the people involved?!

Btw: I applaud your ability to end things when his girlfriend was pregnant. It sounds like you have a lot if strength, which is good because I think you have a decision to make. If I were you, I would make it quick.

The further you immerse yourself in this affair, the harder it will be to dig yourself out.


Best of luck :)

Thanks. Maybe the best is just to walk away. Too many innocent people are involved and I would hate the day my child finds out and than chaos would fall.. Sometimes we have to choose for the best of others and for my own sanity. The thing is that I will never stop having feelings for him.. he's what you can call the love of my life. Thanks again for your advice. And we didn't know she was pregnant until she had the baby. Plus she wanted to give her baby in adoption if Charlie didn't take her back.

Just an FYI: Two years ago I remember thinking I would ALWAYS be in love with my MM. Even when I walked away, I called him the love of my life. I still Think about him from time to time, of course, but I can honestly say that when I look at him, he's not the man that I saw before and I'm definitely not love with him anymore. It took two years, but it happened....

Time heals many wounds and will give you clear perspective :)

Also- that is crazy about the c girlfriend! Almost out of a movie

Question. His then x girlfriend didn't know you existed 3 years ago? Did he cheat on her then too?

They had broken up by then. She was abit obsessed and they had parted ways way before I became his girlfriend. And no he didn't cheat on her back than. I WAS NOT THE OTHER ONE 3 YEARS AGO.

All I know is you have to have a clarity of mind no matter where it all pans out to. The love that you have is not bringing that clarity you so need. It's a stalemate. If you're OK being the FWB, it can carry on for years and that's what happened to me....
The decision was taken away from me by his wife finding out and him being embarrassed. Shame is a powerful thought catalyzer. I was not able to put myself first as I am also married... what a mess it all is!.
I am at a point where I am simplifying my thoughts and focusing on my own deeds and life before I ever put myself "out there" again. It's tough because I feel that having an affair muddied all of my prior issues. I found myself more confused than before I met him. Add to that the addiction to the love and the fear of being discovered and you get quite a lethal cowardly mental cocktail that can paralyze you in all spheres. Courage is the only answer xoxo

Marmelade-- so agree with you here. Clarity of mind is HUGE. It's crazy how affairs confound out emotions, logic, and perspectives...courage was the main thing I needed.

Well put!

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Well put- at age 29 - very wise. I am nearly 50. Ive been involved with a person who is a domestic partner. I left my own 6 yr relationship after a few months of involvement.i just could not lie. I was confronted -asked directly what was wrong and i could not lie to someone i respected and loved....but was not "in love" with. So- that was a few months ago. I moved out- etc etc- it was VERY tough all the way around- but i knew what i had to do to be true to myself and to minimize damage on my side. So- the other person is still in her relationship. And the dynamics of course have changed since i am now "free". I now see how generally unhappy this situation is. There are super highs- and still just crazy sex. But------ i am beginning to resent things. I am beginning to be tired of hiding- of not being able to be free and open and just simply happy without this drama in the background. It will be a year of 'starting something' come next june. 2014. Thats all

I think you are in a position to demand to become her first priority. The sooner you and her make a decision about that, the better chance for you to be together, happy forever.... good luck. Let us know how it pans out xo

I am so mixed up. I am not dating but friends with benefits type of deal with this man Ive been friends with almost 20 years. we started being sexually active a year ago. I have fallen for him. however, he found his true love who is 700 miles away. they both said that they will see other people until she moves in with him. they have been dating 3 years now. she hates me and I hate her, however she allows him to have sex with me. how crazy is that? but the thing is... I have fallen for him but I know he loves this other woman. he wants to marry her. so I know I don't have a shot with him. I get mad at him then don't talk to him for weeks he never tracks me down, he doesn't care. so tell me how to walk away forever, HOW? I need too Im going insane and my self-esteem is shot. please tell me..

It's much easier said than done to walk away, especially because you love him, but remember this:

1) He is in love with someone ELSE!!! If he was in love with you, I wouldn't say this, but you should RUN for the hills. He's made it clear that you are Not his future..someone else is... Why are you sticking around?!
2) it sounds like he is using you... I'm sorry! He is getting the best of both worlds--- a woman that he loves, and you, a woman he can get a thrill out of having sex with. ... You deserve FAR better than that! You deserve all that comes with a husband... Companionship, sex, love, holidays, family, trust, friendship....you won't have ANY of that with him!
3) Every day you let him stay in your life, the LONGER you will take to heal, find someone else, and be HAPPY. I walked away over a year ago and I'm STILL healing.
4) Where do you see yourself in 10 years?! If you remain his mistress you won't have a husband, a family, self-esteem or any self- respect. You will be ALONE, asking yourself.. Why didn't I walk away 5 years ago?!
5) It is far better for YOU to walk away now, strong and resilient than for him to drop you once he's married. You will be far more upset if he ends it.
6) I thought I was in far too deep to get my MM out of my life, but you CAN... Especially if you don't see him every day. I see mine at work each day, unfortunately

Wake up, move on, and find a man you deserve and start your life in a HEALTHY relationship!


What you are doing now is not healthy-- both mentally and physically.

You won't realize how strong you are until you need to be!

How are you now marigold. Do you still work with the mm? Is he still married. Trying to walk away myself now. My mm is not happy about that.i can't make a clean break I have to do it slow.he gets angry n has threatened in a round about way to send my h pics of us. His wife found out 2yrs in. My h doesnt. It's now a little over 4n1/2 yrs later.hes changed a lot too. More one sided angry less texts call. Tells me to leave my h first.says he's gonna leave his wife. In beginning I believed n still do he would have before she found out.after words he's was still good to me but he became doing more things w her vacas buying car etc lot of things made me think he was working it out with het.lots of things didn't make sense n I started catching him in lies even though he was telling me to get my divorce first.i think he wants to have me to himself with no h.but I still don't think he will leave her.he says they haven't had sex in yrs which I doubt.i did in the beginning fall for him n told my h I was not happy wanted a divorce .it caused horrible fights my child witnessed n heard too much .I did move out of the marital bed n didn't have sex with my h.while mm I know think was working it out. It's too much the pain the hurt .myself my h his family got involved.i destroyed the lives of many through this. I got to walk away it's just so messed up.i wish I didn't love him.

Experience teaches wisdom!!!! its almost a year now since i left my MM .We had been together almost 5 yrs..loved him with all my heart since i was 17....boy was i stupid!!! he lied to me to begin with and told me he was single but anyhow I'm now over him..he is the past, plus i got a new boyfriend who loves me unconditionally. I truly feel all of your pain because i have been in that position before, i was too young at the moment to be going through "grown" issues such as that, it left me depressed, not focus on college etc but now i am a million times stronger and not eluded by his charm anymore. All i have to say to the rest of you women is that you can gain the courage to leave and never look back, it will be hard, its not easy, there will be pitfalls but u can lift yourself out of them. Just keep trying. Once a man knows that you are vulnerable and weak to him, he will continue to take advantage of you. Don't give him that power over you.. Know that you deserve better and better will come to you only if you seek it. My wake up point came to me when i was "googling" online and saw a post by a woman who had given 10 years of her life to a MM who in the end, left her, and all she had to show for it is growing old alone, a used body, 3 cats to keep her company, no children of her own and being single and lonely, while he lives happily with his loving family...Aint no way in hell was i gonna let that happen to me. You all deserve better, put yourself first!!! i wish you all luck !!!

JoJorock21: Perfectly stated!! I hit a breaking point as well when I heard women were with their MM for 10 years---certainly is an eye opener!!

I'm so happy you are healthy and have moved forward. You're such a strong woman!

Thanks marygold1983. I appreciate your kind words. I just hope other women in this kind of situation will learn from their experience and realize that they are worth much more than that..

You are so mean, so mean...did you consider how the other woman felt? When you get married would you love it if your man went out with another woman? You will get married and this will happen to you too.

Grasea, Quite the contrary, I actually think YOU are mean and quite the coward for writing such cruel comments. Do you know me?!? Have you been in my shoes?!? I find it sad that you judge me when I'm trying to HELP others.

Why do you think I was in therapy? Are you perfect? Nope! None of us are. We ALL make mistakes--and I am the first to admit that I did, and I shared my story first hand to show how I LEARNED from it and GREW from it. That's what life is about!!

I posted my story to HELP others who are lost, have been controlled and manipulated by MM, and possibly to help and prevent pain to others who are selfishly pursued by MM or MW.

Of course I considered how the other considered how the other woman felt!!! That's ALL I thought about--and it literally tore me apart.

Right now I'm healthy, happy, and in the best relationship I've had in years. Walking away from my MM transformed me into a stronger and BETTER person than I was before. I'm confident my future is bright because I've grown, cleansed, and learned.

I wish you the best, Grasea. I hope you find happiness, but not by lashing out at others.

Hi i did not mean to be cruel, the reason am bitter is because i have been the woman on the receiving side for about six months...it was a painful experience but for me i decided to forgive him. Am now healing and when i see women in support of dating married men, it pains me so, so much. I did not mean to be offensive and a am sorry. Any blog or website that you think can help women like me?

Grasea, I'm sorry for what you have gone through; please understand I went through a similar pain, just in a different way.

Also understand I am NOT in "support" of dating a married man at all. In fact, I'm trying to prevent it from happening to others!! which is why I shared my story...

It was a horrible experience for me, and I'd hate to see women go through it - both the mistresses and ones who were cheated on...

Can experienceproject help?! This site has many different areas of support.

http://www.experienceproject.com/groups/Have-Been-Cheated-On/37562

Also - Just so you know, a woman in your situation (who was cheated ON) contacted me a few months and told me that my story gave her the strength to walk away from her cheating husband.

If you need any advice; I've seen both sides.

Thanks Marygold, i appreciate. Yes i need help, i need to heal as the pain is still there despite forgiving him and taking him back. How can you help, please advice.

Have you seen a therapis, Grasea?! With or without your husband? If there is pain there, it means you haven't truly forgiven him

I have not seen a therapist yet as it is quite expensive here i, do you know of any i can use online? Thanks so much.

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Thank you so much for your response cinicole. I found out the other day that she has taken him back and they've just departed on their postponed honeymoon. I obviously regret embarking on something that had no future. I wish her well because I doubt he'll be completely faithful to her. She'll always be wondering whether he's going to do it again.

You're right; he won't be completely faithful, because there was obviously something broken/missing in that relationship to begin with!

Who took the guy back and went on postponed honeymoon oh dear

i walked away 2 weeks ago. very painful but PLEASE. he certainly ain't breaking up his happy home to take me to family thanksgivings! LOL. lez be honest

How you do it. Im together w married man. And he is my everything. I wish im strong enough to walk away but im too weak to do that. We r together for 2years. And now he has changed. From a guy who would do every single thing for me no matter how difficult it is he will do it for me. But now i don't even have a chance to think of it cos it would never happen. Im in the suffer stage right now. I cry everyday n night just to wish it will b back again. I can't live without him pls give me strong advice.

Doesn't say man. Maybe she just didn't apply the right picture

She did have a guy pic. Changed it though after you responded. I had to look too

Lalana9,

The sadness that you feel now is the worst part and is the most difficult stage of loss. It will get better from here; I promise.

Keep yourself very busy; break off all ties from him--it's not worth it. The more time you invest in him- even thoughts - the worse off you will feel, and the harder it will be for you to break ties.

Remember that you deserve someone that can give you their FULL love an attention; if he can't do that, then he's not worth it! You are cheating yourself of a truly happy life if you allow him to get the best of you.

Move on. Run for the hills. Find someone who is 100% yours!

Lalana9, i cannot tell you what to do, i can only share my experience. Mine started similar to yours, same slow down over time. Has been over 4 years now, and still no hope for serious life together... Was it worth waiting for, or was it all just wasted time? I don't know...

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Your circumstance is aggravated further by the fact that this is work place dalliance. You have fallen for the oldest ploy in the world and should have known this the first time he announced that his wife , knowing your dalliance persuaded him to go to counseling. This was the beginning of the big lie. He hooked you to the gills emotionally and was not enough man to follow through with a commitment to you in the end. I lived my life in dalliances, a necessity, a fact I am not proud of, but I never allowed anyone to become so attached that they thought that there was to be a satisfactory conclusion. You allowed yourself to get emotionally involved with a man whose professions of love lacked substance and you are now a victim. How sad that this happens to good people.

Office dalliances I have always frowned upon and have had to fire many great personnel when their problems began to affect morale and productivity.

You have my complete empathy in this and this clown who you seem still to wish back in your life is a weak character whose intention was never to leave his wife and family obligations. I have no respect for him and think he is abhorrent in his new attempt to rekindle the dalliance.

Zorbas,

Thank you for your insight and kind words. I can happily say I am far better off now than I was when I was with my MM. Took a while and a lot of strength, but I made it!

I am delighted to hear of this I am proud of you!

I started seeing another woman's man about 18 months ago. We were friends for a long time, but the timing was never right for us. He had been dating his girlfriend (now wife) for about a year when he made a play for me. The worst thing I ever did was respond to his advances. I fell in love with him, but during that time he actually got engaged and then married her - 5 weeks ago. When he got engaged, I made a mental note to never go anywhere near him again, but 2 months on he started contacting me and one thing led to another. He married in August and on the day he came back from his honeymoon he started messaging me again. I responded, on a friendly basis at first, which became mildly flirtatious. Last week he left his mobile phone on and she saw the messages, which I found out about when she sent me an enquiring text the next morning. Eventually, after much probing, he confessed all. I am devastated for 2 reasons: 1: I've ruined the life of an innocent person. All the time this had been going on, it became easy to pretend she never existed. He very rarely spoke of her and I was so blinded by what I felt for him I couldn't see past what I was doing. 2: He put a letter through my door at the weekend telling me he was cutting off all contact with me as he loved his wife and hoped he could salvage their marriage. It feels like a bereavement. Someone who I loved so much I will now never see again. I played my part in this and I will always regret hurting someone else. I fell so in love I couldn't see what I was doing. Now 3 lives are ruined.

Violetrainbow,

I do not think your life is ruined! In fact, it has been SAVED. You can now LIVE your life and find someone who won't lie and manipulate you as your MM did. Don't feel guilty about ruining their marriage; their marriage is not ruined; I have seen many people come back from affairs.

Please stay strong an realize that this is a fresh start for you! Yes - you feel hurt and completely abandoned -- but remember YOU are the victim here. HE hurt and lied to his wife, NOT YOU!! HE cheated on his wife, NOT YOU! He lied to you; you didn't lie!

Stay strong and minimize contact with him. I wouldn't be surprised if he tries to contact you again. Stay strong and ignore him if he does. Hang out with your girlfriends, get out there, and have pity on him!

Best of luck!

Well, they both turned up at my house last night. He brought her to my home to rant and scream and call me all the names under the sun, and he stood there and reinforced his wish for me to respect THEIR privacy. Stunned and completely broken. Why on earth would he do that?

Because he is an a-hole. This further confirms that you deserve better. I sympathize with the wife but her anger is displaced--he broke their vows. I hope that you find the strength to move on and gain that confidence to demand respect for you and your home. You are BETTER than your circumstance. Sending love to you!

Great posting cinicole , that does confirm that she deserves better, i asked to mm I was once involved with what his reaction would have been had his wife caught him and he pretty much told me he would do the same thing as this guy did to trinori 1, end result he didn't like what I had to say as a response, but he still managed to get out I want to see you again, I'm thinking good luck with that happening ever again.,, it's funny how the wife targets the ow ,like she's the problem, forgetting there had to have been a problem in the home for the mm to stray in the first place .,,,rather it be her or character flaws her husband is having.,,

He is a ****. He is the scum of the earth to have brought her to your place and make you out to be the bad guy. You dont deserve him or anyone like him. Be thankful he sgowed his true colors before you got anymore involved.

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marygold, thanks so much for your message.

My MM and I are still seeing each other. 2 weeks ago, we agreed it would be better to be just friends, and it was actually lovely just being that. Then I jumped him at one holiday day and kissed and made out with him. MY bad. Then it started to get physical again, ending up with sex this weekend. Again, MY bad.

He says that, though the sex is great, the most important thing is that we are friends, that he will always have a friend in him, no matter what happens. I have told him that I don't think he would ever leave his wife, and that I don't think his wife is ever going to leave him. It is my parents' relationship all over again, and I see how it is going to end up because I lived through it as a child. It's awful. But I'd like to think that we can be grownups about this and honor a friendship. Maybe I'm deluding myself.

I'm trying to disengage from the romantic feelings, keeping in mind that I already see the cracks, his faults, but I still love him, and I still want him in my life. I will miss the romantic part of our relationship so much, but I can't let him go 100%. I do date other people, haven't slept with another, though. He is still the one I love, and I know that a small part of myself is holding out hope in this impossible situation. But I think that the more I go out and date, and the more we just avoid the sex altogether, I will feel more liberated.

I know that anything can happen, and, if being a friend is what we can do for right now, I'm going to have to do it. Why? Because I do love him. I do wish the best for him. I don't want to lose him, but I also don't want to be The Other Woman for the rest of my life. I don't know if I really want to get married again, but I would like to have a committed relationship with someone one day. Perhaps, it will be him, so, as you say, marygold, I am keeping faith, while trying to stay open to the possibility of another.

TangoGoddess,

It sounds like you are being very realistic. I commend you for trying to remain his friend---I never could! I had to cut off a LOT of contact actually. It's also so smart you are dating.

He could leave; you are right, but don't rely on it. If you do, you will never truly move forward.

Best of luck and stay strong;)

Your written words could have come right out my mouth!

:-( My feelings exactly articulated in your letter. I walked away yesterday....

Good for you!! Stay strong

This is exactly what I am going through and I don't know how to walk away....we have a 3 year old son together. It hurts to the core

Hi, I'm a guy but thought I would post a response that may help some of the "other woman" on here, my wife had a two year affair which I eventually found out about and it destroyed our 19 year marriage, I was heart broken my life seemed destroyed, when the affair came out I told her that her other guy had two weeks to tell his wife, which he did and two years later they are still together, we have kids and full shared custody I can sit with them both at the normal events ie birthdays etc and to be honest am now two years later well and truly over my wife BUT that's not the moral of my story, I had been having an affair with a woman for 10 years which my ex wife didn't know about, it wasn't a local thing so we only got together for short blocks of time (when working away) but it was intense, we spoke about how once my kids grew up we could be together etc, but the truth is once my wife left me I didn't actually want the other woman, she was devistated and recently asked my why after ten years I dropped her like a lead balloon, what I said was this "all the time you were the other woman you filled the gap of what was missing which was really just a bit of excitement as soon as I became single, your position in my life became obsolete because you can't be a bit on the side when there is no main woman and I've now come to realise that if I really was in love with you I would of got out of my marriage what ever to be with you, the truth is my marriage wasn't at all unhappy for the bulk of it so I would of never left".
My ex wife is a firm believer of sticking with your decisions but what I will say and my kids have confirmed this she is now a heavy drinker and smoker (she wasn't before) the kids have said many a time her new partner has to help her to bed, on a recent visit to drop the kids off she started to moan about her new man how he doesn't help with finances at all knowing she has another large lump sum coming, how he doesn't cook or do special family meals like me, or mess about and how he can't take being laughed at, I was always the clown, she basically said the grass isn't greener, which is sad considering, we were great together but it took us both to not realise that until to late. Me well I'm still single, had some theropy and many dates just not ready or found the one.....

How come you say her affair destroyed your marriage ?your 10 year affair was ok? Sounds like both of you had parts in it and werent happy or neither of you would have strayed.its usually never just one spouses fault.

Your right my 10 year affair wasn't ok and like I said we obviously were both unhappy, but I would of never left her thats my point, I loved her and I would never of deliberately hurt her but when I found out about her affair she changed she rubbed it in my face, walking out on a friday night dressed up and getting in his car, leaving me in tears on the dinning room floor with an 8 and 10 year old watching, this went on for 8 weeks until I couldn't take anymore, she decided she had enough of being a mum and for the first 8 weeks the children were with me most of the time.

Oh wow that is way harsh.i cant believe she did that right in your face not to mention in front of your children. How cruel. I am sorry. I apologize for assuming yours was ok I understand better now. Thank you. Hope you are in a happy relationship now

Well its been a rocky road for sure, I met what I thought to be a fantastic woman and it turned out she is a Borderline Personality Disorder and wow that takes it out of you, I tried to gently get out of the relationship several time but it was breaking my heart all the self harming etc, eventually I got out this April but its been tough, when ever she has needed me I've been silly enough to be there for her, her eating disorder back and her mum pulling her hair out over different illnesses but Ive met someone new, well sort of she is actually the Mum of my Secretary (my secretary is only 22) and I've known her for 4 years, always thought she was attractive but never thought past that until 8 weeks ago and its been brilliant, early days but so much in common, my Ex wife has had her moan but think thats because she can see I'm happy lol, onwards and upwards as they say :-)

Its definitely a rough road we have to journey on. it surely takes its toll on you in every way. Guess thats how we learn and become stronger. Good luck with your new someone we all deserve to be happy.

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Im glad u walked away. I had a situation like that once, and I thought I was never gone get over it. Until.i told myself its over

I admire your bravery.May God bless you as you continue to mend everything.May peace and happiness embrace you in your journey.;-)

I can relate to this post, dating a married man is not worth it, like in this last response the only reason it's over is because I ended it.., and I don't doubt for a second some where down the line the married man will contact me again , truth is its morally wrong, and why would you want to replace his wife, who obviously has a problem often unknowingly that her husband is unfaithful , disrespectful, and no regard towards his vows or his wife, that's what the other woman has to look forward to as well, do I think of him and miss him yes, but I'm much more at peace with letting go of a situation I never should of been a part of in the beginning ...and thankful I was able to walk away immediately after it started , as I said he would welcome me with open arms any time I want him to , but in my opinion this guy dosent deserve me or the wife who's probably faithful and devoted to him , it is what it is ladies , a bad choice .., good luck

Then why did you do it in the first place?

Good question, I have asked myself several times why did I step out of my character like that, thing is I can honestly say it was a mistake because it will never happen again with him or any other married man.,,

A thanks to all those, that read my story, and liked it, I\'m just happy my conscious got the best of me early on,I always said I would never date a married man, and I ended up going down that rode, I\'m thankful for the guilt and Shame I experienced the 3 months I was doing this, because I got to experience how important my needs wasnt, when it came to his wife I also got to experience how unavailable he wasn\'t and could never be because he has a wife, I also got to do some soul searching , and I realized that the wife is never as bad as they say , because if it was , he would of been divorce before we ever met, and most importantly I realize how would I feel if I were in her position, if I was the one laying next to a man , stepping out on me and I didn\'t like any of it.,,,I also prayed to god , to remove me from the situation, and to take away any and every feeling and emotion I had for this man, and it\'s coming to pass , I feel less and less every day...this all started with this guy in may, and I can honestly say for me it is over...but this is a individual , that wants his cake and eat it to, so he will continue on these excapades , until he\'s caught, I just thank god I\'m no longer a part of his , secret pass time when he\'s supposedly traveling for work.,,,

Wow, that was great!! That was an excellent response to how your mind played tricks on you and then were delivered from evil. I don\'t think anyone wants to have an affair. I think most people seriously want to live happily ever after with the one that they married. It\'s not fun. Feelings get felt that have been dormant for so long. It feels good to have those feelings brought out. It\'s impossible to resist unless you see it coming on. I wish I could not care again. Life was much simpler when I didn\'t. The fact of the matter is that I didn\'t even know that I could have these feelings again and when someone brought them out in me, I came alive in a whole new way and that felt good! When you find something that makes you feel that good, you simply don\'t turn your back on it, even if it is false hope. I hope this makes sense.

I\'m glad you\'re being so strong. I am out of town, away from him. Eases the pain. Plus I realize I can live without him. But he\'s calling me every day. I guess he doesn\'t want to lose me or leave his wife. Oops. Can\'t have both. You\'re right. She must not be that bad. Never thought I\'d be the OW either. I know I NEVER will again. Guys talk to me, first thing I ask, \"Are you married?\" Cause I don\'t want to fix the next MM\'s problems. He will have to work it out with the wife. Talk it over with some pals. I\'m done with a MM\'s flirting with me. Just a heartbreak waiting to happen for somebody....me, most likely, Your posts, the OW posts of their experiences really do help us OW see we are on the right path in leaving and that we will survive. I still love my MM though. I think if I didn\'t, it would make my past with him meaningless. I don\'t think I could dismiss that part of my life so easily. He knows I\'m on a support site as the OW. He says no. You\'re not just the OW. But i really am/was. I just try to smile in my heart for the love he could give me....not just sex.....in our moments. I like when he would steal away time to just hold me and talk, saying it\'s just not about the sex. So I\'m grateful for my true love with him. I still can\'t understand why she keeps him, why he\'s afraid to leave, why they don\'t work on things to change why he cheated or why I got involved in this mess, his mess in the first place. But I don\'t dwell on it as often. And that\'s because you\'ve all helped me see the stages in leaving, moving on and accepting what will be. And we will survive and be that much stronger. I like that. 💜

The whys I ask today am in that stage

I\'m glad my posting can help you, I think all of our postings help each other, but kaylynn don\'t get caught up on those stollen moments , I had those too , he would call me from there there house , sometimes laying in there bed , our he would be up late , texting and emailing me with her in the other room, I thought it was a big deal in the beginning , how he was going all out for me, until reality set in, meaning it was totally disrespectful on his behalf , and what if he and I got together , he would have those same stollen moments with someone else .. If they do it with you , they will do it to , don\'t loose site of that , and please keep moving forward ;), he / they will one day be a distant memory to us ..,

Smutly everything you said makes perfect sense , and your right you don\'t see it coming, can you believe I actually encouraged this guy to work on his marriage , before anything happened , It started as a friend thing, and before I knew it , there I was ... In other words we can\'t be their friends or anything when trying to get over them , he told me his wife had a nervous break down , through email over a week ago , and that he hadn\'t left her side , but yet turns around and sends me a picture of his private parts , ? Exactly , some support system she has huh , lol , and goes on to say other stuff , a little x- rated to post.... I feel sorry for her, because she obviously has a problem

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Thank you for leaving this experience... it really resonates...
I know it's been over a year since you wrote this and I hope you're happy xo

This is an interesting read because the married woman has the exact same thoughts, except she has to support and raise children. In the end, I think it is primarily about respecting yourself as a woman. It's easy to demonize the wife or other woman, but what it boils down to is that there is a selfish man in the middle with serious honesty or other personality traits. As the wife, I'm happy to walk away even though I'm pregnant with my first baby.

One thing to add - My advice to the other woman: in most cases, your relationship will not last even if the wife (like me) leaves. This is because the man involved usually has some issues to work through and you have started your relationship on a foundation of deceit. I feel your pain because I believe it to be the same as mine, but please remember that you DO NOT deserve to be treated this way. Just like i DO NOT deserve to be treated this way. Be strong and find someone who is healthy.

Very good and well said

That is why I still push him away she left him according to him but I don't believe him since he had vowed few years back he would never leave her so just as he playing his chafing game with me I know he doing same with her too and she giving in to him I not he called to say I his sweetheart I remarked it is force of habit you say it habitually he replied no you the woman who mskes me the most happiest well well well did not fall for Thst did not fight him but did not fall for THST yesterday I was bad person need help todsy I the one who make him the most happiest ??not buying this

Thanks for this. I had the opportunity to communicate with his wife and apologize to her. I also promised to end things with him, but I failed to do so and she found out. I don't think there's any fundamental flaw that his wife possess, certainly they have relationship issues but who doesn't. My reasons for being with him have nothing to do with what I think of his wife, I'm not so naive as to believe I can be all he wants. Even though it feels that way right now. I just fell so deeply in love and have been searching for a way out now. But only after coming to terms with what I have done. I'm still coming to terms and still trying to find a way out.

Yes there is a selfish man does not see the pain he put bith the women through

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Whoever is reading this should share from my unending joy. I feel the same way as any other woman with heartbreak and What could I have done if not for DR. orinoko, I'm Mrs. Kathrine, I was married to my husband for 8yrs and we were both blessed with 2 children, living together as one until 2013 when things was no longer the way it was [when he lost his job]. But when he later gets a new job 3 months after with the help of my doctor, although my husband was not aware that i had contacted him, he started sleeping outside our matrimonial. until i was helped by the Dr. again to that did a love spell for me, and now he is better that he used to be today. get the dr by email on grandprinceoflove@ gmail.com

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I'm on day 13 of no contact and got a little weak this evening (almost called him!). I met a man 2 years ago thru mutual friends and instantly hit it off. He was super romantic, attentive, considerate and...wait for it...a great listener! We did most of our bonding thru talking - long talks in person, on the telephone. We talked about any and everything and when I think back on some of our convos we covered infidelity (go frickin figure, eh) and we agreed on the fact that most MM don't leave due to a number of reasons (little did I know my role in the mess). Things were great, we went on great dates, took weekend trips, etc. He was def a breath of fresh air.Here's where it got weird. In the beginning he told me he had a 3yr old, okay fine no prob I love children (I have an adult child). He told me this heartfelt story about a woman he dated years ago, things didn't work out but they remained friends well she never had kids was aging and wanted to have a baby before it was too late and wanted him to be the father - long story short they went half on a baby! No strings attached, they'll co-parent while living their respective lives. *that was a total crock* I met his daughter after we dated for 3 months - cute little girl, we became fond of each other I'd give her little gifts each time I saw her, she knew who I was, in fact he would talk about me meeting the little girl's mom because I was going to be her stepmom once we got married yadda yadda yadda. Anyhow, time went on and of course I never 'met' the little girl's mom, I never met his parents either so I began to inquire. He would make up excuse after excuse so I let it go but lost a little, if you will. After a year and a half of 'hAppiness' my antennas went up like and I started getting suspicious. One random weekend the circus was in town and I asked him of he wanted to go (me him and his daughter). He said yes at first but then later on he said the little girl's mom wanted the three of them to go. Now, I'd never dated a man w/ children but that seemed a bit strange for my bf to go on family outings w/ an ex (I could see a school/ extracurricular event, doctor visit) but the circus? Anyhow, I guess he sensed my displeasure I don't know but he said he told her no, he wanted to go w/ his daughter only. The next day he was telling me about how it was and slipped up spilled the beans that the little girl's mom was there too. Welp, I was done - told him I couldn't er wouldn't do this anymore and didn't understand wtf was going w/ this weird baby mama drama stuff. That's when he said she had been trying to 'get back with him.' Okay whatever. I told him that I believed he was in a relationship and equals TWO not three four etc.I did the no contact thing for almost two months, succumbed to his advances and like a dummy I went back. And boy was that a huge mistake. Between then and now, he confessed that he was in a relationship and even tried to complain about his girlfriend and dog her out to me! Oh no! One of our last convos I told him that he was wrong for masquerading himself around as a single man, making his girlfriend seem like a monster, introducing me to their child, etc. I just don't get it, my head is so jacked up over this. I feel sooooo bad because I have an image in my mind if 'the other woman' as this homewrecking, heartless wench and that is SO not me!! I want to call her and apologize but I realize anything I do or say is probably futile. It became so overwhelming for me to deal with from one day to the next. I have experienced feelings I had only heard about (felt used, demeaned, degraded, BETRAYED, etc) Gosh I wish I could go back to the day 'before' he and I met! The last straw was yet another change in plans that we had and we were on the phone arguing about it, the call dropped (yes, I am also a disgruntled Sprint customer lol) and honestly I didn't care to call him back I sent a text 'cAll failed' and honey, I haven't looked back. And won't. I'm down but I'm not out. I'm hurting like hell BUT I have my dignity back and self-esteem is on her way back too lol I still cannot believe this happened to me. I'm so glad I found this website! Thanks again for sharing your story, you have made me feel hopeful :) today was rough. I wish you all the best!!!

What a story. I'm glad you had the strength to leave. Good for you. Soon enough it will be a distant memory.

I can't wait for mine to be a distant memory infact totally erased from my memory bank when oh when

I feel your pain. I am feeling the same pain, only he has shut me out. I have made a few attempts to bring him back but he ignores me. Heck, he has been somewhat ignoring me for the past few months but now he just shut me out, blocking me from his facebook page, etc. But it's easier for you because you are the one that made the decision. It's much harder for the one that got dumped.

This hurts. I don't want to know I'll be happier afterwards.

Thanks for sharing... I just broke up with my MM 3 weeks ago. After I dated him for almost 5 years.
Actually I didn't know I was his other woman. I thought he couldn't married me because some other reasons. I was blind and fool enough to trusted him. Until I found out his has been married for 12 years!
As soon as I found out. I told his wife.
So, all these 5 years, He lied to me and his wife.
I didn't know what his problem with his wife and That's not my problem.
But he didn't do the right thing and that is unacceptable for me.

Its hurt like crazy. I thought he was my soulmate(we're even have the same b-day)
I thought he was mr. right. I was waiting and waiting... till I reach my limit.

Now I know why he never wanted to be serious with me. He never see me as his priority. He never wanted me for real.

I'm very sure he'll never get back to me again. He's coward and a lier. I don't think He'd leave his comfort zone for me.
I saw he's living happily ever after with his wife now.

Also, we live in the different country now. I'm still really sad and depress about what happened. But I hope some day, some how, some where,when the right time.
I'll see him, mr. right.

Wow, I admire your courage.

Wow that was amazing.. Thanks for sharing

Thank you. All the responses too. I wish I would have read it sooner. Been painful. But it's easier understanding the pain when you put it in your words. It's so much clearer for me. Thank you. Was dreading seeing him at work tomorrow. Maybe now I can smile, knowing I'm better off moving on....not waiting. He is the coward staying with her. I'm tired of waiting for quality time. Thank you.

Thanks joeylynn11 , for reading my responses and liking them it helps when you have people that can relate and not judge... I read yours , I agree he is a coward , in your situation, but when you think about it only a coward would and could do this, a real man is honest about his unhappiness , and does the wife a favor and divorce her instead of philandering around, we both are better off, and will find our happiness and they won\'t be cowards like these characters .,, good luck ;)

I like that he the coward you right we the warrior we respect and love ourselves to know we not born to be their toys

My MM is a Jehovah's Witness and has confessed to the elders about his infidelities. He has been disfellowshiped and I know having a very hard time. I have called him twice since this happened 7 weeks ago. He answered once and said he'd have to call me later and other time he didnt answer. I've texted twice 1st time no response and second he responded and said he was ok and he would call me. He warned me that his life as he knew it would be turned upside down after telling the elders and his wife and he was afraid of how he would handle it. It was his intent to try to work things out with her. He has been honest with me about everything. From admitting he still has sex with the wife, and other women he's been with besides me (not while with me). He lives in another state and travels a great deal so we were able to spend hours talking on the phone. He and the Wife have been having problems for many years and he has said that this is it, make it work or leave. Prior to his admission he wanted time to distance himself from me. That wasn't as hard for me to do because I was ready to move on. But now since he's admitted it I dont know what's going on. He won't call and very vague in text messages. Our relationship was so intense its hard for me to just let go. I'm trying. But its hard. They have no children at home but he wants to give it one last try. I told him my ex-husband never fought for me and he said he atleast wanted to do that for her. I'm I silly for believing he will ever leave?

No, your not silly. While I'm in a similar situation, I kept believing he was going to leave too. I am slowing beginning to come to the realization that he wants to play both sides of the fence. No calls and vague text messages are a tall tale sign that he's trying to keep things together with his wife; and sorry to say, that may not include you. Ask yourself, "Is that really fair to me?"
Do your best to stop texting and calling him, and try to slowly distance yourself away. Sometimes it has to slap you in the face to believe it, but if he's stopping communication, then you should too. Don't be the fish on the hook. Try to move on, and "try" is the operative word. It's going to be hard, because feelings will cloud your judgement.

I'm so happy that I found your site; it wasn't judgmental like the other sites and is inspirational. Like so many other women, I fell ( and still am) for the tales of a married man.
Currently I'm married to a work alcoholic. Within the past several years I found myself taking vacations alone and feeling alone. I set myself up and fell for the attention of a MM and co-worker. I know that this is a no end situation, but now I have feelings for him and it pains me every time I try to end it. I can't begin to tell you how many times I deleted his number only to enter it again. He continues to tell me about his feelings, the unhappy marriage that he has and each time I continue to believe him.
His wife taped his phone and viewed our messages and phone calls....busted!
There is a part of me that knows he is lying, not just to me but to her too. But my feelings continue to cloud my judgement.
Once again, I plan on trying to end this relentless game. I wish that I could bury the feelings I currently have, but I guess that what makes us human.
Here's to one more time trying to end this, before it's too late for both of us.

I went through same scenario and just ended it so here is to really ending it this time how are you doing now did you end it

This is actually great I have the same situation that I'm just done with but my heart aches as I'm taking it day by day. Although I would never consider myself a home wrecker cause I kno he's in love with me I kno that he's never leaving his family either and the smiles he once put on my face and inside my heart for 4 years has now became periodically smiles and a frowned heart so with that being sad this is my key to walk away cause it isn't the same

thats amazing... im so greatful to have read this, since i identified with everything you wrote.
i loved that you are so honest about evey aspect of this situation, it is so important to layout all the feelings like you did.
ive walked away from that kind of relationship and its Incomprehensible the depth and complexity of it all.

i hope more "other women" have read this and will consider all possibilities in the hopes of saving their lives.

YOU DID GOOD

I appreciate you sharing your experience. This is mine:
I'm married with children to a wonderful man whom I never really loved. We were good friends since our teen yrs. He had all the ideal qualities that made him a good husband and that is why I married him. After 7 yrs of marriage I met a man at work, aka Mike. He is muslim with a wife and kids. He swept me off my feet with his charm and the feeling he made me feel I never felt with my husband. We started calling and texting then we mostly met and talk in the car after work. He asked me to marry him but I couldnt just leave my husband and family to be his second wife. We both wanted to have sex but I still had strong convictions against having an extramarital affair. He was respectful and patient. After 3 yrs of waiting he became impatient and forced himself on me. A few weeks later my husband found out about the affair. He was livid. I confessed everything. Mike was angry that I did and told my husband lies about me that I was the one who pursued him and that I was talking to other men. I was angry and ultimately, the relationship was over. He moved on rather quickly. Two years later he married his second wife. However, I never stopped loving him. My marriage never recovered but we are determined to stay together.
Some time ago Mike tried to rekindle the relationship. I missed him so much I foolishly gave in again. It started off again like a charm, yet, he was different this time around. He was more unavailable emotionally. He didn't asked to spend a lot of time with me anymore. It wasnt like before where he tried to spend every available moment with me. His conversations went directly to his sexual desire for me. I indulged him in a lot of sexting. However, he was brutally honest in his criticism of me and others. He was easily angered at work by others. one time he spoke to me very harsely in front of our co workers. He now I appreciate you sharing your experience. I'm married with children to a wonderful man whom I never really loved. We were good friends since our teen yrs. he had all the ideal qualities that would make him a good husband and that is why I married him. After 7 yrs. of marriage i met a man at work, aka Mike. He is muslim with a wife and kids. He swept me off my feet with his charm and the feeling he made me feel I never felt with my husband. We started calling and texting then we mostly met and talk in the car after work. He asked me to marry him but I couldn't just leave my husband and family to be his second wife. We both wanted to have sex but I still had strong convictions against having an extramarital affair. He was respectful and patient. After 3 yrs of waiting he became impatient and forced himself on me. A few weeks later my husband found out about the affair. I confessed everything. Mike was angry that I did and told my husband lies about me that I was the one who pursued him and that I was talking to other men. I was angry and the relationship was over. He moved on rather quickly. Two years later he married his second wife. However, I never stopped loving him. My marriage never recovered but we are determined to stay together.
Some time ago Mike tried to rekindle the relationship. I missed him so much I foolishly gave in again. It started off again like a charm, yet, he was different this time around. He was more unavailable emotionally and with his time. It wasnt like before where he tried to spend every available moment with me. His conversations went directly to his sexual desire for me. I indulged him in a lot of sexting. However, he was brutally honest in his criticism of me and others. He was easily angered at work by others. One time he spoke to me very harshly in front of our co workers. He stopped telling me when he is about to travel or go away for the weekend and while he is away I receive no calls or text from him. I was getting more jealous, angry and feeling more alone and used. Although we still didn't have sex it was a pressing issue for us. After 6 months of an emotional roller coaster ride, I was fed up. I told him it was over. He sent me abusive, threatening text stating that he would forward all my text to my husband if I leave him. Then he called me, offered no apology for his name calling and abusive words because he said I made him angry. Then, he told me that he love me and wanted us to move ahead in the relationship.
I don't want to even though I still love him. I'm tired of the betrayal, the hurt, and all the negative emotions. Frankly, I don't trust him(I didn't completely trust him anyway, we are both cheating on our mates) and now I'm scared of what he will do if I insist that it's over between us. I want to tell my husband but I'm ashamed and don't want to hurt him again. Mike says he love me but how can I believe him at this point. I want to move on but I fear my love for him is my downfall. I wish I never got involved from the beginning.
This is my situation in a nutshell.

Thank you for sharing your story. I am trying to find the strength to let go and move on. It hurts like hell. So many times I try no contact and fail miserably after a week. He is my drug. A quick short fix to sooth the loneliness and pain.

Thank you for sharing this. I hope you are doing better.

Thank you for posting your story and sharing your thoughts. My boyfriend had an affair with a historian from University of Philippine while both of them conducted research in Jakarta in the past winter. He said they had a lot to talk to each other. I learned about it only recently after the woman stopped seeing him. The news devastated me and I wanted to hurt them to get even. But your story tells one could keep integrity by walking away with strength.