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I Was The Other Woman; Read If You Want To Walk Away

I'm 29 years old and I live and own a house with my boyfriend of 11 years.

About 2 years about I became involved romantically with my co-worker, a married man with three young children. I still work with him very closely with this man...but about two months ago I completely walked away from the situation, and I'm so happy I did.

I was completely in LOVE with him. There are qualities that pseudonym "John" has that I honestly still am in love with. Our romance progressed slowly over 4 years. We were first just friends, but it slowly evolved into love. At first he pursued me just physically and I rejected him several times--partly because we work together but more so because of my current boyfriend, who I do still love.

Eventually I became weak to his pursuits and we became physical for about 16 months. He wrote me love letters, called me daily, sent me thousands of texts. I always looked forward to going to work, to see his smile, to laugh with him, , to love and "live" my life fuller. We spent many nights together, and met in secret to spend time together outside of work. I was completely in love, and so was he. I remember saying often "I've never felt this way before. This is different. He is my soul mate." John spoke often of leaving his wife, and I spoke of leaving my boyfriend. We were drawn to one other because we saw traits in one another that our current spouses just didn't have. To a certain degree--I still think this is true.

About 4 months ago, he told his wife he had feelings for me and wanted a divorce. He expected her to be just devastated and walk away, but she was determined to make it work and go to counseling. "John" was very torn because although he was not "in love" with his wife, he does still care for her. John waffled back and forth--but remained true and honest with me about how he was still crazy about me. However, one fact still remained: he was still with his wife, despite her continues moments of "kicking him out."

I thought of walking away dozens of times...but I told myself "just hold on a little longer...give him time....he/I need more time." I mainly didn't want to walk away though because I didn't want face the hurt and devastation of losing a man I was in love with.

Finally, about 2 months ago, I told him I was tired of waiting, tired of the jealousy, tired of the hurt, and most of all, tired of being unhappy.

The realization that I was actually UNHAPPY during the 16 month affair was an awakening moment for me. Yes, there were amazing "highs" where I felt like I could do ANYTHING. John made me feel beautiful, intelligent, funny, unique and loved. However, along with these incredible highs were the darkest of lows...incredible sadness for betraying, lying, and hurting my boyfriend (who eventually found out) and not actually having the "real" love that I wanted--John. My life was a ROLLERCOASTER, but overall of was UNHAPPY, anxious, nervous and not fullfilled both emotionally, physically and psychologically.

Walking away was devastating, but I have to say that I am far LESS sad than I thought I would be. (THERAPY has helped A LOT.) The anticipation of saddness/depression is far WORSE than what I actually feel.  Still, I cried in secret for weeks, dreaded going to work because I didn't want to face "him."  I torn up my diary in tears, and spend many drives crying around my neighborhood mourning the loss who I once thought was "the love of my life."

Since walking away, John has attempted several times to get me back into his life. He has emailed me, written me letters, and expressed how he misses me and still is unhappy in his marriage. In the beginning, I was weak to his attempts and succumbed a little to his pursuits. However, because he is still with his wife, I have remained strong in my decision to walk away. I eventually realized that John will NEVER leave his wife, but he still wanted me in his (however small it was---whether it was flirting, or being physical here and there) which is why he has continued to contact me/keep me close in his life. Once I realized this, I saw him as weak and selfish, and I felt EMPOWERED to find happiness in different way.

The only way the affair would end was if I was the one who ended it; it took a while, but eventually I was STRONG enough to do it.

Since walking away, I have begun to try to repair my current relationship, which wasn't completely broken to begin with. Our relationship has become "better" but we still have a lot to work on. Since immersing myself in my current boyfriend, I have started to appreciate traits in him that I believe I was completely blind to before. I've also now appreciate traits in my boyfriend that John just never had.

When I think about how my life would have been if John had left his wife, I'm SO happy it didn't turn out that way. My life would have been a DISASTER. I would have been vilified by his wife's family, by my friends and colleagues at work,  by my friends, my current boyfriend's family etc. My honest and respected reputation at work would have been tarnished, and I would have been unjustly labeled as a "homewrecker"---even though John is the one who ruined his marriage, not me. Not to mention, I don't think I could have EVER REALLY trusted John. I honestly don't think our relationship would have lasted through the chaos of our circumstances.

Do I still love John? Yes. (I'm being honest)

Are there times when I miss him? Absolutely. (You can't just turn those feelings off)

Are there times when I wish he would contact me? yes (I'm human)

Do I sometimes become weak to his flirtations? They are less and less every day.

Am I happy in my current relationship? The progress is slow but steady.

Am I unhappy/sad/depressed/anxious anymore? NO!!!


My advice to those still in relationships with married men is this:

1) There ARE situations where men leave their wives for their mistresses. However, if he truly wants to be with you, he will leave his wife. If this doesn't occur within a few months - year MAX - it most likely will never happen.

2) You don't see how messed up the situation is while you are in it. It isn't until now that I see HOW MANY people are involved, and how difficult it would have been for John to actually leave.

3) It wasn't until AFTER I walked away when I realized how demeaning the whole situation was. I was always SECOND--but I deserved to be FIRST!!!

4) You will never find TRUE happiness being the other woman; you will be UNHAPPY. (bouts of highs, yes, but overall unhappy)

5) Walking away can be an empowering experience. You will find strength you never thought you had.

6) The only way you will find happiness with another man/woman, is it you completely LET GO of the married man.

7) Find a good therapist. I have been seeing one for the past 8 months--he's the one who actually gave me the courage and insight to walk away.

8) If you and your married man are meant to be together, it will happen. Have Faith.


I still struggle with this "dark side" of my life every day. John is still "trying" to keep me in his life (which I actually resent now!!! Go figure!!)

I'm still trying to mend my current relationship and find happiness with my boyfriend. Even though I'm not sure if it will work out, I'm CERTAIN that walking away from John is the best thing I could have done.

I'm MUCH MORE HEALTHY now than I was not too long ago!!!


marygold1983 marygold1983 26-30, F 123 Responses Apr 9, 2012

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Hi

I was involved with a married man for a few months. I never thought I'd stoop so low. But I did. It took a little while til he was able to break down my walls. He did so much for me at work. He said sweet things to me. Did whatever i needed help with. I thought we became good friends. we would have talks. He even told me he fell in love with me. He was very persistent and aggressive, and i eventually started to fall for him. he made me feel special. one day he started to gently grab my hands, rub into me while he passed by. i pulled away but he still tried to caress me hands. Then out of nowhere when we were alone he kissed me but i pulled away. from there things got intense between us. even if i told him no he'd still touch me in areas. ofcourse i liked it because i cared about him but icouldnt see myself seeing a married man. it went against everthing i believed in. Rather than doing what i knew to to be right. I followed my heart. (Which lead me into a deep ditch) My mind said no but my body and my heart said go for it. i thought i loved him so I started allowing him to kiss me and so much more. Then the first night we slept together his wife pops up when we're finished and I freaked the hell out. even before i knew she was there. I knew something was off. (besides the fact that he was married.) Everything inside of me was telling me to go home. But my flesh faught against it. So as i was saying the wife was there. And she ended up talking to me. and telling me everything was fine and that We could be cool and she said we should hang out.Now tgat was just the oddest situation ive ever been in. It went from sleeping withher husband to her wanting to be my friend. I thought they were swingers but they've never done that before. I thought i was crazy but that S*** was crazy. So we were okay for awhile. but i couldnt be friends with the wife of the man i was so disgustingly in love with. it was just weird. (now the wife and i arent speaking anymore but.she knows something is goin on)Now this guy wants to have a kid with me. idk this whole situation is so twisted. Im starting to wonder if he does this all the time. what really makes me so angry is the fact that i always fall for his lies. Hes such a good liar. And sometimes when i know hes lying, i still almost believe him. He has such a strong hold over me and I hate it. I want to go back to normal but its so difficult. this situation i got myself into ruinned my life, my thoughts. Its hard to be that innocent girl i used to be when all i think about is him. i want my life back.

UPDATE: Just short of two years after writing my story, I have successfully moved on!!! I recently married my boyfriend of almost 14 years, who has been with me through the good times and the bad. Honestly, strength, therapy, love, and time have healed all wounds.

For those women who feel hopeless, you CAN move on - I am living proof!!!!

do what your heart says

Help! I am the other woman and am trying to walk away. This one has the unique twise of being the fellow that broke up with me first when we were 18. And thern again at 19. And then again at 22.

I am now 44 and he came back into my live 6 months ago. And made all sorts of promises. Got mad at me when I didn't trust he wasn't there to break up with me again. He promised to leave his wife in April. Then all of the sudden, claims he can't. That he needs to stay another 2 years until his stepson finishes school. He said the I love yous first. He talked about us "belonging together" first. Not me.

I always felt that we were good together. Even 25 years ago. I speant the first 5 months refusing to believe it would happen despite his incredibly hard work convincing me it would. He even insisted we have "non sex" dates to get to know each other again. And PROVE it wasn't just about sex.

Now my marriage is in shambles and he happily ensconced with his second wife of 5 years. And I just can't seem to be happy again with my husband. But I was before he came back into my life.

I have 2 children with my husband. We have been married 20 years. And he made me believe in him again. I finally started to believe him in December when he talked about going to my kids Xmas concerts next year. I finally believed him. Only to have him change his mind again a month later.

I walked away when he launched this two year thing on me. But I feel a slide back coming. Please tell me how stupid that would be?

Thanks for listening. And appreciate any support. I know I was a fool. And deserve all the misery I got. But I just want to prevent a little more if I can.

i do not know your man, and it seems like i don't even know mine - i had a very difficult situation yesterday, and saw someone who was anything but a loving, caring and wise man i fell in love with 5 years ago.
But i would have given awful lot right now to have a husband and 2 children together, and to be able to work things out with him. There's counseling, there are different stages in life, there are ways to be content and happy without being in honeymoon all the time. But why ruin something stable you have for someone who cannot keep a simple promise, who is not reliable and is not committed. He might be the man of your life, but you might also end up growing old alone, as he'll still be with another woman. Is it worth it?

and no, no-one deserves this misery. God has a better plan for you, try to see it!

Thank you for yout reply. Especially your last comment. You are right. No one deserves this misery. I was not behaving particularly well but I was trying to do the right things. And it has blown up all over me. He was doing the same things and stringing me along the whole time. Totally not reasonable. Thank you.

Allie. You will heal only when you realize the pattern this man has set in your life. I'm sure he's got some kind of feelings for you, if it's passion, or some joy in dominating you - who the F cares... The fact is - he's PLAYING with you. It takes a while, but you will get past it and be happy again with your H. Tell H to be patient with you, find any excuse , psycho, menopausal or other and work on yourself to become whole again, while letting H in your heart again. Some people can be nice and sexy but O so destructive to other people's lives... Don't go into self loathing, just because this guy has a screw loose lol. Get angry and insist on being happy again. The only currency in getting past the affair is TIME (and some therapy if you can afford it... otherwise EP will do) Contact me if you need xoxoxo

Thanks, Marmelade. I appreciate your response. I have read and re-read it several times. I don't think he is a bad guy...but he is a bad guy with me for some reason. I really do need to accept that. And for the record, he isn't that sexy at all! Since our 20s he has gained a lot of weight and frankly looks a bit like a freak show! But in the end, I still for him again. Reminding myself that this appears to be some kind of game is helping though. Thank you!

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This one is still sooooo fresh..... We've been together for almost 5 years. He said he wanted the life together, and he would leave his wife. I waited. He promised to move in with me a couple of years ago. I was waiting. Then it was a later date, and a later one, and never happening.
A year ago he moved out from there, and eventually told me it was over with his old life. But he was not ready to move in with me (i'm single). I waited...
Today he lied he would meet a (male) friend, while i saw him with his ex. Made a scene, called him a liar - it did not look at all like it was all over with her - why give me this crap of empty promises???
I know he may not call. I still love him, miss him, and feel like the life is over. I guess i knew the consequences when i started the scene, but i could not anymore let him look in my eyes and lie and give me empty promises.
We were so close, that i believe few people are - understanding, feeling each other. Working together was great too - and i'll still have to figure out that part.
But i cannot put my life on hold and waste year after year waiting for him to follow through on his promises. But i don't want it over, i want our life together, the one we dreamed about, the one he promised - i care, i love him. If it was coming, i could wait.
i am probably not making much sense now. I simply don't know how to live through the next hour...

It will get better sweetie in time.I too had to walk away after 5 yrs. Focus on you get strong but your mind to other things.If he really is gonna leave her, he's got leave her for himself anyway or its not gonna work anyway. Do your thing now girl take your frustration out in exercise, or a hobby you enjoy, get to know you, get string , build your confidence.Then you will find a wonderful man who deserves your attention. Good luck , It hurts like he'll now, but will get better.. :)

LS, how long ago did you walk away? I am not judging anyone, and i was not happy in my first marriage either. But our situation now is different - i am single (divorced 6 years ago), and he claims that it's over with his past. I don't think he loves her or wants to be with her, but he is trying to be nice, while there's no future there, and he is killing our future over it...
it devastates me. If it was just someone on a side whom i dated casually and who turned out to be just a bastard, it would have been easier. But this was a person with whom we planned the whole life, and actually have built so much together over the years, anything between the house and the business. How can he be so foolish to throw it all away???

Only recently walked away about a month ago. We were so eager in the 2nd year of it made plans I seen a lawyer and all.lookin back now I really didn't have many major marital issues, we just lacked passion n drifted apart .mm n my desire to be with him n start a new life , pushed me to cus fights at home .I don't now why yours wants to throw it away probably because when it comes down to getting a divorce n breaking up a family, the finances, the kids if any that's the hardest.then there's the horrible stigma that comes with it, he/she left the family/spouse for some one else. Then everyone thinks bad of you esp. Friends , family, inlaws.If kids are involved outta of anger and hurt the jilted spouse tells the kids daddy left us for someone else. It's just so hard.your mm may love you n wanna be with you very much , but the guilt and shame is so unbearable sometimes it's easier to stay.Its probably killing him too, but he can bring himself to do it.also if the spouse found out the guilt, the using the kids or the family, just throwing it all in your face how could you do this too us the tears the hurt it all weighs so heavy.Its such a horrible situation.I have friends and customers that have even when as far as the other woman gets her divorce, he backs out last minute and she has nothing.In the long run sweetie your better off cus most of them do cheat again after yrs with the ow too. 1 of my customers carried on an affair for 10 years, his wife finally caught him they ended it he moved in with ow, which she only got him cus wife threw him out so it was by default not want.Then he cheated on other woman twice now that he's finally free from wife but still tells me he's still in love with wife.Thats not the first story I heard like that either , they finally get kicked out or become free then they want to date a little they realize before getting tied down again.It really sucks. I work with the public so I hear so much..good luck I hope I helped a little..hugs

Thanks for sharing.

I was seeing mine for 18 months and never once did he say that he would leave his wife and although we had some good times I never felt like number 1 or number 2 I probably didn't even feature in his top ten. Of course he said he loved me and he has kept the game up for 18 months. He doesn't seem to care that he is taking my precious time. He wants me regardless of the cost to me. I have finished with him for the last time now. He will be after me again trying anything he can to get me. He never loved me. if he loved me he would let me go. I was just an object to him

Romany,

I felt the exact same way - like I was #2. You are right - you deserve to be #1--all the time! I hope you are strong enough to evade his attempts to reach out and use you again. I do believe he probably has feelings for you, but being in relations with him will only preclude you from finding true happiness with another person. You deserve MUCH more than the "little" of him that he gives you. And you are right, if he truly cared about more than himself and his needs, he would let you go, but he is living in his own selfish world where he is the center of the universe. Please move on. It is possible and there will be light at the end of the tunnel. There was for me :)

Thanks Mary, yes he probably did have feelings but was too scared to act properly on them. He wanted to live in a kind of semi- fantasy which is good for him but not productive for me. I have not spoken to him for 9 days and im starting not to care about him now. Apathy and despair has set in. Im glad you are through this now. Thank you.

You have to get angry at how you are treated, in order to get past this. No one takes advantage of you if you don't allow it in the first place. I think it's a painful yet very valuable lesson going forward. 10 months down the line I feel the affair has also had some beneficial effects on my self worth, as I had to pick up my scattered pieces and rebuild from the ashes. The issue is to let go of the notion that HE was the only one that will ever get you, love you, or make you less alone in the world. It was beautiful and now it's over... there will be more love for us when we're good and ready. But first you have to reject the weak, cowardly, accepting, forgiving, self effacing character you had become in the affair...

Thank you for sharing, I am in a similar situation. In mine it was an emotional affair in which I am unhappily married and he is living with long term girlfriend. I am wondering how are you doing now? Are you still with your boyfriend?

I am with my current boyfriend, now fiance. It took a while, but we repaired our relationship; however, it wasn't until I completely let go of my MM that I could build a new relationship with my fiance.

Great article with excellent insights. Good for you.

Thank you for this wonderful site and perspective. I was involved with a MM whom I had known for 6 years but didn't take it to the next level until 6 months ago. He promised me he was leaving his wife after the holidays and that she had agreed to this. He did move out in January but eventually moved back and finally told me that he didn't know if or when he could ever leave. So it is now over. I'm devastated, sad, angry!!! Its been less than a week and I haven't heard from him, which I'm glad about. I tell myself to just get through the hour or the next 15 minutes...whatever it takes so I don't reach out to him. I deserve better than to settle for being dragged along. I want more from a relationship. The starting article that mentioned the extreme highs and the low lows..was so accurate. I agree when I look back on it objectively, it was some of the saddest times I've felt. I don't want that any more I just want this aching in my heart to go away. Thank you again for your insight.

Good for you Annmarie! Stay strong. Expect him to contact you again. Please ignore him, as it is very easy to fall back into things.

You deserve SO much more!!

GemGirl.,

My MM also "moved out" but moved right back in. He also told me he was "leaving" after the holidays...holidays were always an excuse.

You SHOULD be angry! He is preventing you from finding happiness..dragging you along is his confused and frustrated state.

You are completely right - you DO deserve better! If you truly do want to move on, ignore hi when he contacts you (as I can almost guarantee you he will)..

I promise you your aching heart will go away! It does take time though...expect to have good days and days where you are just so sad and need to cry.

Time does heal, as cliche as it sounds.

Please be strong; if I can do it, so can you!

In their confused and frustrated state they are dragging along a girl who is also confused and frustrated because of what he has done...

Thank you so very much for your kind and supportive message. It has been a month and it is better but is still painful and sad. I Just focus on each day it does get a little easier. Thank you!

Hello Marygold thank you for your inspiration and support. I am feeling stronger every day and while I still miss him I move forward and work on putting me back together. You were right he did contact me... To offer me more of the same. As hard as it was I said no thanks! Haven't heard from him since..,that was a week and a half ago so maybe I won't hear anymore. I try not to worry about it though I still think of him and us many times a day. Thank you for listening

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I never, in a million years, thought that I would ever find myself searching the Internet for the keywords "Being the Other Woman". I was completely happy and content in this role. But here I am. After 7 years of an online, long-distance affair with a MM (punctuated by a few adventuresome, intimate meet-ups), his wife discovered the affair and suddenly, after years and years of "you're my best friend" and "I'm so glad I can share anything with you" and "I can't imagine my life without you", I have been cut off. Just a short note asking me to "delete everything" and saying he has to "fit into his life" and doesn't want to continue to be "discontent". No mention made of my own discontentment and not so much as a "thanks for everything!" I am married, too, but I built a lovely, secret life around this man that has sustained me through a very unsatisfactory marriage. We were, literally, in touch, multiple times every single day, via email, text, phone, and Skype, for 7 years. We've shared a rich, passionate friendship. I have been there through depressions and illnesses and work problems and even the birth of his first kid. Hell, if he was lost while driving, he'd call me up to Google Map-it for him! I know I sound kind of glib here, but I am aching to my core. Everything in me wants to put together a reasonable, impassioned email, asking for some explanation and validation that what we had was valuable to him as it was to me. Anything. I can't eat. I can't sleep. I cry continuously. I miss him like a lost limb. I have the lovely email all composed, but before I hit send, something compelled me to look for some support. I'm an intelligent, attractive, kind, woman and a devoted friend. Should I really HAVE to send such an email after so many years of being the good sidekick? I never wanted him to leave his relationship. I was/am perfectly content to have a great lover in my corner whom I felt I could depend upon and turn to. There wasn't a subject in the world on which we couldn't converse and I treasured that. Now, I feel like, even though I was understanding and supportive and great, I am no longer deemed good enough to even be SECOND best. How can that be? Do I send this email? I appreciated some of marmelade's comments below. If you are out there, you seem like a reasonable, centered person. PLEASE help me.

I'm sorry you're hurting Katjaf. My MM acted the same way when discovered, then came back for another three years of a cat and mouse game, which I don't recommend... it's demeaning in the extreme. That said, I understand you completely, as I was so happy when he came back saying he wanted me in his life no matter what. It was never the same though, as we saw each other much less and relied on electronics more and more until she discovered one of his (undeleted) sexy text to me and gave him an ultimatum (so he said). This is the weird part of this kind of relationship. As loving, intimate and close as to is, it's all about filling our selfish need and living a fantasy...Would I change anything? Still a resounding NO. We loved each other for 6 incredible years, we experiences agony and ecstasy in the extreme, and I wouldn't have been able to disconnect from that. I was planning to leave when my youngest was going to college, and had I been discovered, I believe I would have left then. BUT... and that's a big one, I wasn't the one that was busted so I can't really judge the pressures MM went through... MM used to describe days on end of crying, lamenting, anxiety ridden fights etc etc and the fact that he engaged in them and stayed put meant to me that he cared about his marriage and his life and was just "playing" with me. Since the beginning my logic has always been alive and well, but my emotional need won every time and I just accepted it as my reality... I was married and had a lot of problems at the time and couldn't leave without feeling like a real rat, jumping off a sinking ship.... I allowed my MM to treat our relationship as secondary because I figured it was better than none at all...
I figure that if he's acting like this towards you, his wife is controlling his every move and he is allowing that in order to stay married. You want to believe he never meant to hurt you, but at this point it's him or you, and as affairs are selfish in nature to begin with, now comes the time of ultimate selfishness. He's saving his own skin. I think that if you send your letter, his wife will read it and you may not even get an answer OR she might contact your husband to make you stop... Are you ready for that? knowing he's not with you any more? It's a tough blow Katjaf, and I've been through hell healing from this convoluted love. I suggest you write your letter as a story here, just to get it off your chest. You must know that he's suffering too, but had to make a final decision... I'm here for you whenever you need. Just know that there is life after this affair, it just takes T I M E, therapy and EP is a great help xoxoxo big hug

You are a godsend. I cannot thank you enough for just taking the time to acknowledge and respond to me. I'm sure it cannot be easy for you to dredge up these painful things, but, as you well know, this is an extremely lonely and isolating position to be in. ironically, the shared secrecy that has fed the intimacy and passion with my mm for so long is the same thing that has me feeling so adrift now. Who could I possibly talk who would not immediately judge me or simply advise me to get the hell out? I, too, have teenage children whom I have tried to raise with integrity, healthy self-esteem, and boundaries. I am well aware of my duplicity. But I am also a creative, passionate, intelligent woman who is "unequally yoked". I felt dead inside for years before my mm came into my life. For 7 years, I have enjoyed more creativity, more passion, more fun, and even more professional success (because I am better at 'thinking outside the box'). I am convinced that this affair has made me a happier, more relaxed parent and has even helped to keep me reasonably content with my less-than-stellar marriage. For my mm, I have been a stalwart support system, a needed confidante, and a source of fun and joy, which were lacking. Neither one of us prodded the other to leave our marriages or shirk our responsibilities. How can this have been ALL bad? My feelings are further complicated now by the fact that he has contacted me, after weeks of silence, telling me tales of the pain and rehashing and crying and fights that have gone on in his home. I hate that I am implicated in that. I hate that he was stupid enough to have been caught (she found several intimate emails). And now i hate - despite the enormous relief of having finally heard from him - that I have to make some kind of choice. He's under constant surveillance now. Our time together will be very limited and risky, if it happens at all. Do I risk it to hold on to some level of happiness with someone in whom I have invested so much time, energy and love? If I DO decide to eventually leave my relationship, I don't want it to be because my hand was forced. I don't expect you to answer this. I know that no one else can tell me what to do and the insights you have already shared are invaluable to me, believe me. It means the world just to be able to say these things - finally - 'out loud', so to speak. For the first time in weeks, I feel a little less alone. Thank you!

Your right no one can tell you what to do. It's incredibly hard, lonely, and just a horrible situation to be in. My mm had been caught too 2yrs in .It's been almost 5 I've decided to walk away. After being caught things to change the time is less it's just not the same. The best advice I could give would be for both of you to walk away .Decide individually what you want to do in your own marriages. Leave or work on it. Like you said neither of you want to be the consolation prize cause its forced, due to his wife finding out and throwing him out, or you feeling forced for any reason.That being said whatever each of you do individually, If you both single for your own reasons, not each other, then you can't start a real healthy positive relationship together. Or be single and find yourself again, or someone new. Either way it has to be done for you not him.

i know that you are right and appreciate your response. Good for you for making yourself a priority and getting out. I am trying to gather the courage to do the same. It is really hard when you have wrapped yourself up in someone else for so long.

Yes I know , its so hard when he has become your world. For me its bcame a little easier that he was a little nasty towards the end. I had a bad night last night he had to send some hurtful texts. So I went to bed early with a heavy aching heart and cried myself to sleep.. good luck youll know when its your time to let go..

What an awful way to spend your Valentine's Eve! I don't even know you, but I know that NO ONE who sends you hurtful messages deserves your time, attention, and love. I try to see each slight, or snub (like no messages today), or stupid action as a message from the Universe that it's time to cut my losses and move on. Thanks for your support and Happy Valentine's!

Your welcome. We are all here for the same reason same situations. Support n understanding in this difficult, confusing, scewed up, lol , time. Thank u for ur support too.Your right I gotta keep remembering the snubs, hurtful messages etc are not loving not deserving of my time. Happy valentines day to you too,hope its a nice one regardless. Focusing on other things today, heavy hearted, but thankful his true colors are showing before I destroyed my h and son for him.. hugs :)

Thanks you for all of your posts to help those of us still hurting. I cry as I write this just wishing for the heartache to go away. I know it takes time...I just wish I knew when I would start feeling better. My MM hasn't reached out to me and while part of me is glad for that, there is a part of me that feels so sad for that. Didn't anything we had matter? Don't I matter? This is such a crazy time. Thank you for giving me a place to write some of this down and share how bad it feels.

I am right there with you. It feels horrible to be ignored on Valentine's Day, especially. And I have asked all the same questions.... didn't any of it matter to him? Wasn't any of it 'real'? We had seven freaking years of almost-daily contact! Unfortunately, the more posts I read on this site, the more I begin to come to the conclusion that, in many, many cases, extramarital affairs do not carry the same emotional weight or 'importance' to the MMs involved as as they do to the women who love them. I am sure you are a beautiful, valuable person and deserving of so much more than you are getting. Other women on this site who have been through it promise that the pain does get better with time, especially if we devote our time and energy to finding ourselves again. Hang tough, girl! You are better than this.

Thank you for your kind words and support. It's wonderful that someone I don't even know would take the time to offer me support and encouragement during this difficult time, thank you Katjaf! I hope your time gets easier and you emerge an even better and stronger person from going through this tough time. I am working on moving myself forward. I've decided today to unfriend him on FB, more for myself than anything..it's just another way to cut my ties with him and try to heal my heart and rebuild my life. Thank you again for listening and offering words of encouragement!! You are a great person, I know that already about you!

Likewise, sweetheart. Every woman - and man, for that matter - deserves someone who is proud and happy to love them openly and honestly, without all this secrecy and baloney. I am coming to understand that those of us who gravitate toward these kinds of secret, unhealthy, and often impossible relationships do so largely because we fail to sufficiently value ourselves. I know that if I had had more self-respect and healthy self esteem, when it became obvious that this mm would NEVER make me a priority, I would have cut ties and never looked back. Instead, I cried for weeks. Unfriending this man on FB is one of the most positive and healthy things you could possibly do, though I know it can feel like severing a limb. Closing that door is the only way to open new ones. Good for you!

Thank you katjaf! You really helped lift me up. I am doing better and getting stronger every day. Hope you are doing well!

I am doing a little better every day, checking my 'secret' email account less, wondering what he is doing less and less... especially in light of the fact that he does not appear to be wondering anything about me. Lately, I look forward to jumping on this site, instead, for the encouragement and smiles I used to get from my MM. Thanks!

Hi katjaf, I want to encourage you like you have done for me. Please hang in there and while I'm not sure I understand about the secret email I figure it's probably like me checking my phone to see if he has texted me. It and I am getting better about not doing it as frequently....sometimes self talking that I will not check for x amount of time. I am also seeing a counselor (went one time so far) and I told her I think I now understood what it must feel like to be a drug addict looking for a fix. Sometimes that's how I feel talking my self out of contacting him. Some days I say ok just make it an hour and if I can't so that I say ok make it 15 mins and then I go from there. The counselor told me there is a period of withdrawal so that made me feel better. I really do appreciate having this forum and talking to others who are going through the same thing. Please don't hesitate to share and I will do the same. We will get through this and come out better on the other side!!!

hugs to you ann xoxo

Hugs and thanks to you!

This man has treated you very badly. He has no respect. All those years you were a faithful friend to him and he drops you like a one night stand?? I don't understand how people can behave like this and without feeling guilt. I have given up trying to understand how some people tick. It sounds to me like he views people as objects. He may or may not repspond to your email but even if he does respond, will he be sincere? will he just make excuses for himself??

You are very insightful. Now that I am starting to have a little distance from our daily contact (It's been 3 weeks since he was 'caught' and I was 'dumped'), I have started to get a more objective view of his behavior. He lied to her and used me for his own amusement. When he got caught,, he jumped ship as fast as he could to save his own skin. But I also think maybe I brought some of this on myself by devoting so much time, attention, and love to someone who was clearly a bad choice to begin with. So I feel brokenhearted, lonely AND stupid - all at the same time. Ugh.

That's normal to feel like that. I question my judgement too but on the other hand, we tried. We went into it in good faith. it does not make us stupid it just makes us human. we live and learn.

That's very true. I really was following my heart on this one. Though it makes me question the wisdom of doing that.

Its just how we are. We follow our hearts. Its extremely hard not to.

Honestly, I don't know what I would do without this community right now. i am very glad that you and these other women are out there. People who have never been in this position tend to be very judgmental of any woman who would allow herself to become 'The Other Woman' in the first place. But it has been my experience that we are largely a group of open-hearted, passionate, kind people who just threw our love in the wrong direction. Just read through all of the compassionate, supportive responses on EP and that becomes very clear.

Hello and once again thank you all for your support, encouragement and even hugs! Today marks 4 weeks since he returned home. It seems like so much longer. I am here fighting through the emotion of it all and while progress is slow...it is progress. He did contact me and tried to make me an offer of more of the same...being the woman on the side. I told him no way..I'm done being the other woman! I deserve better and will not settle. It was difficult but when the call was over I felt empowered. Not so rejected anymore...I rejected him and his offer now! I would like to recommend a good book I found and am reading...it has helped me. The title is, " It's a Breakup not a Breakdown". By Lisa Steadman. I got it for $4.00 on amazon. Best $4.00 I ever spent! Thank you all again and hang in there! You are worthy of a good love!

Thanks! I'm going to go look up that book right away. I have also really been helped by a website I found when doing my 'Other Woman' internet search. It's called Baggage Reclaim and its a blog by another woman who has been in our shoes. Lots of posts about having healthy self esteem and having boundaries and recognizing bad behavior for what it is. GOOD FOR YOU for not agreeing to play the game on his terms anymore. Excuse me, but that is utter bullshit. Glad to hear that you are taking back your power!

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Please someone help me... I have been married but I loved someone else and he loved me too. Now I am getting divorced but he cannot marry me and he is getting married to another girl whom he doesn't love but wanna keep me as his mistress. Of course, he didn't use the word but...
Anyway, he went it meet her in a diff country an before going, he was all head over heals for me and he didn't tcontact me at all for 24 hours. We hv never stayed without any contact for so long.... I felt miserable and all kind of thoughts were on my mind. I knew they will sleep together even wen he said he isn't going for that... He slept with her and she was in his arms all night long. He says he felt ok while sex but didn't enjoy it. I asked a few more things and I asked coz I have shared very single possible detail of my relationship with my husband. I had restricted sex with my husband coz I didn't want to hurt him. I never did a lottttt of things in my marriage all dese years and he did it in one night.I as miserable in 24 hours and called him from Skype so my number doesn't go as he askd in case of emergency. He got reallyyyyyy mad at me and he said I must obey his orders at any cost. I felt like a slave. He says I don't deserve to know any details of what he did with his wife n what he didn't. He lied tk me allllll along when he wanted me to share what happened between me and my husband. Today, I am taking dos divorce coz of him and he has made me feel being used emotinonally and physcially. I wish he feels this pain sometday. I have done a lottttt for him in last four years. I have spent every single second living for him. Everything to suit his needs. I don't know wht to do. I feel absolutely lost and so used and played. I feel like dying.

U poor thing, u have been used! cut ALL contact, hold ur head high and walk away, never let this man come into ur life again, he will get whats coming to him, u just fix ur own life up!!

Needurgenthelp,

Please cleanse yourself of this man at all cost. Run for the hills. He sounds toxic, untruthful, manipulative, and downright condescending. He is not healthy for you.

Don't think of yourself as played, think that you tried the best you could under the circumstances. You followed your heart. You stayed true to yourself. Dont blame yourself!

Pick yourself up and hold your head high. You should be ANGRY!! Channel that anger to moving forward, being empowered, and to starting new beginnings. You never know how strong you have to be until it's the only choice you have! Now is your chance.

Don't look at this as the end of your life; look at this as your moment to seize control of your life!!

You are so wise for someone to young, Mary. "You never know how strong you have to be until it's the only choice you have" is now on a sticky note on my desk top. I am really struggling to tap into my own justifiable anger after 7 years of being jerked around. Thank you for your smart responses. I am so glad that your life is finally working for you!

Oh I am sorry for you. I've just ended my affair. I am glad to be rid of the idiot.

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I hope this board is still active!! I met someone online 3yrs ago and we became good online friends instantly. We chatted daily several times for 2yrs. The 3rd year, we started to text and use face time and the texting is all day into the evening. I awake every morning to a video message along with text and the night always ends in texting. 6 months ago, we met for the first time and it was instant connection. I am in my 40's and I felt like a teenager... we connect on every level, he is such a gentleman, he is everything I had ever wanted in a partner. He told me his full name (which ill get back too) and two weeks later we met again, this time spending the night together... I must first say, we are in a long distant relationship. He had taken care of all the reservations and it was a night never to be forgotten, was truly magical, unlike anything i have ever experienced before. He too agrees. The receipt was left behind, and the name was different than what I had been told. I did some internet searching, and low and behold ... he is fully married with kids. He had told me he was very single and had been for about 10yrs (divorced) I am sooooo inlove with him and I dont know what to do. I believe when he tells me he loves me as he married very young because of a child - i did the math and found family tree information etc... she would have been almost 5months pregnant when they married. What hurts is the fact that he has lied, now like many other posts ive read here ... I am waiting to see what happens next .. maybe he will leave her, maybe he will find courage to tell me, perhaps he didnt mean for "us" to happen and now he doesnt know how to fix it thinking ill walk away... we have been together several times since, as i said he refers to me as his girlfriend and thats been almost 7 months now... i have never been to his place or met his friends/family = vice versa. Please help me, I so badly want him to be the one ... but im thinking im being foolish. :(

Dont trust him! Once a liar always a liat, he has lied about his identity, his being, who knows what else he is capable of? Walk away for ur own sake

the word people don't use is''NO'' one day your boyfriend will have affair on you ,,, just like to know what would you say to him....

In search for help, support in making a decision on such a big journey I never thought of experiencing i found this great site. THANK YOU!!!!

Here's my story and truly hope i can get assistance and support to make the right decision. I met the men of my dreams exactly 2 years ago and he swept me off my feet from our first look at each other it was like a lightning bolt. At that time i had been divorced for 8 months. We met in an ODD way, like fate driven way. Not easy part we met at work, so yes we work together. We were introduced and he took the bold move of contacting me and we began friendly conversation after a few days of conversation he mentioned during a phone call he had to go that his other half was home. I was stunned and said WHAT? To make a long story short i asked for explanation and was very honest with me and told me that he was married but for years it had drifted and the immediate connection he felt for me was something he had never experienced before and that he really wanted to get to know me better. So at that very moment i should have ran for the hills. However the connection was powerful. As our conversations grew stronger we became closer as friends He was a true gentlemen with me and we spoke about all kinds of topics. Children, life, how when you get married at a young age you drift apart later in lifein love and it's not really true love. ++++. The relationship continued to build and about a month in he asked me out on a coffee date we had a great time and spoke for 4 hours. No kiss, no physical encounter strictly great conversation. From the date he asked me out 3 more times to Dinner dates, again truly amazing all based on coversation no physical. On our 5th date he planned a nice evening out. we went to dinner and the night was magical. We finally kissed for the first time and I can tell you that the energy, Chemistry and connection we both felt was absolutely incredible. that very moment we both new there was something big between us. from the point on forward we began to get closer as a couple and dates. As it was we already spoke most of the day and night every day and had our proper date nights. 5 months into the relationship, he was a true gentlemen. He is very detailed and always leaves me lil thoughts and hallmark cards, poems to show me he cares besides all of the attention he gives me. at almost 5 months of our growing relationship we had still not been intimate. We had spoken about it and discussed our different views on intimacy are likes and dislikes but our foundation was strong on friendship and very emotional so we were not rushing it. At 6 months we finally do and it was even a bigger high emotionally for us we realized we connect in every level. Since then we have grown immenseky as a relationship. He tells me everything and sometimes even tells me things I rather not here. but our communication is excellent and we spend allot of time together. We experience concerts, date nights, movies, intimacy ++++ as a couple, however fear of hurting his Wife as has no one in this country fills him with dread. I understand him as he is a good man and does not want to hurt her and to me it shows respect as a man on his side. We have cried together and ultimately i have told him i want the best for him. I value his friendshio and love him very much and his well being is my priority. He knew i go to a counselor and we discussed it and told him that perhaps he should see a counselor to see if he can get help for his anxiety and overwhelmed state. He agreed and began to go he had individual sessions as I continued to have mine too. He asked if him and I can share our counseling session discussions and I agreed and we were very open with each other. Counseling was helping him deal with his overwhelmed state. However, when the counselor was ready to begin to help him deal with the crossing over phase he freaked out and stopped going. (THAT WAS A HUGE RED FLAG FOR ME) that clearly told me that he was not ready to do move on with the life he had been planning with me. He spents holiday time with me, he loves me very much as his actions prove it to me. I can't say he has done anything to me for me to let go as he is amazing with me in many ways. However, the one thing i have been dealing with is the fact im single, I have alot of other opportunities that are willing to give me 100% and i close all my doors and have had my life on hold for 2 years waiting for this BIG thing to happen and nothing. Allot of talk about it always but no steps to do it.... For me he is the type of men i can see myself with as our chemistry and connection still till today is incredible. I have had friends that have decided not to stick around support me going through this journey as they feel he is stringing me along and will never jump ship. Hard part is he makes me weak, I have never felt this in love with anyone, and anytime i try to detach or let go he wraps me right back in. We work together and live a few blocks from each other not knowing before we met. I know he is in love with me no doubt but i deserve a relationship all of my own and not tobe stuck in this rollercoaster. Lately i have noticed after we spend a beautiful day together outdoors enjoying a romantic picnic, movies and dinner. The next day he dissapears and not one word from him. as it bothered me i told him and he told me unfortunately when i leave you i dont want to leave as that is the life i want and when i get home i relaize that is another reality i have to deal with and im soooo overwhelmed i stick my head in the sand and escape from the world to not deal with the anxiety. Today shy 2 weeks of the NEW YEAR i want to make a decision, he begs me to not give up that we will make it happen this year. I have had allot of patinece, I have never pressured him or done anything to hurt his home life and never will. However i know i dont deserve to be someones second choice or share the man i love with someone else. I know even if I leave him he will end up divorcing eventually as he is misserably unhappy and lacks love and many other things. But I cannot keep putting my life on hold for his fears. What do I do I LOVE HIM deeply and know he does too. Our relationship is beautiful and he treats me like a queen and most difficult and devastating part besides the connection is loosing a best friend we have confided so much in each other and are so natural around each other that any obstacle or convo we can deal with it so well... Please i need your assistance to know my next steps and build the courage to move on and close this chapter. THANK YOU!!!!

If you really want him, you will have to disconnect. You will get your answer very soon in this way. I dragged my affair for years and eventually had to let go. Success comes to those who dare demand to be treated as his first priority. If you give him patience and understanding, you will never have him. Good luck no matter what :))

Thank you so very much, that is exactly what i want to do but dont seem to build the courage of disconecting but i know i must. I greatly appreciate your response, truly helpful. :)

Your courage will determine your future with him... trust me, just out of years of pure bliss and love but he just couldn't bring himself to hurt his wife and grown daughters. What a waste of love.... learn from my experience, see what happens when you pull your full weight!
Or not...
Or just enjoy what you have and have a broken heart when the time comes. Sorry baby... it's a tough one, they NEVER leave, please read "a splash of cold water" by Imaskolya - you will get the full picture. People come and go on EP, and there is a lot of wisdom in past posts. If you feel you have a chance - heed the advice and act now. xo

How can I say it... me and the now MM were dating about 3 years ago but had to brake up because the ex girlfriend was pregnant. We had been dating for about 1 year and 1/2 when we found out she had a baby. We talked it through and said it was best for the relationship to end even if we still loved each other. Even if we made plans of engagement. I just couldn't leave a baby without a father. After 3 years of the brake up I met a wonderful man which became my husband and now have a precious family. The thing is the both of us lets say his name was "Charlie" by Destiny or whatever force both of our families became friends. Even if our current spouses didn't know me and Charlie used to date. We became friends and our now children get great along togethe. Its been almost a yeat that Charlie started contacting me again and I would be lying if I said I didn't love him anymore. Because I do, He 's the love of my life and he loves me too. It's hard to explain but we got physical about 6 months ago and it's just amazing how the sparkle and flame are still there. He's married with a woman he doesn't love but stays with her for his children. Same situation with me. Has anyone have this experience.? And Marigold can you give any advice?

BeautyS2,

I can completely relate to the love, spark, and passion you feel for your MM. It's clear you love him and loves you -- no one can take that feeling away or even describe how wonderful it feels.

In my humble opinion, I believe thinking realistically will help you here. Think about your children for inspiration ...I am worried for you because of the chaos and horror that could result if your spouses, children, and friends were to find out you were having an affair. Would you be prepared to handle your children hating you for cheating on daddy?! I say that with ZERO judgement, purely as an observation and possibility, as I was often scared of being caught and what others would think of me being a "homewrecker." I know I wasn't prepared for that chaos, which is part of why I walked away.

That being said, making your OWN decision versus having your cover blown is crucial here...

You need to decide for yourself if you want to be in your marriage-- whether it is for your children or to rectify things with your husband, or both...If you do, then run for the hills and end the affair. Period.

However, If you are truly not happy with your marriage and it isn't salvageable, then I wouldn't stay in it. Staying unhappily married for your children while continuing to have an affair is so unhealthy and damaging, physically, emotionally, and psychologically. I didn't even have children and I still feel damage from it occasionally; I'd hate for you to carry that baggage with you.

In other words...I would make a decision and stick to it ASAP. Affairs are fun, romantic, exciting, and risky, but it sounds like there are MANY big and little people involved that could complicate things for you.

I know-- making a choice is easier said than done. Play out each scenario in your head, staying unhappily married or leaving your husband--- which will make you happiest AND is plausible/realistic given all the people involved?!

Btw: I applaud your ability to end things when his girlfriend was pregnant. It sounds like you have a lot if strength, which is good because I think you have a decision to make. If I were you, I would make it quick.

The further you immerse yourself in this affair, the harder it will be to dig yourself out.


Best of luck :)

Thanks. Maybe the best is just to walk away. Too many innocent people are involved and I would hate the day my child finds out and than chaos would fall.. Sometimes we have to choose for the best of others and for my own sanity. The thing is that I will never stop having feelings for him.. he's what you can call the love of my life. Thanks again for your advice. And we didn't know she was pregnant until she had the baby. Plus she wanted to give her baby in adoption if Charlie didn't take her back.

Just an FYI: Two years ago I remember thinking I would ALWAYS be in love with my MM. Even when I walked away, I called him the love of my life. I still Think about him from time to time, of course, but I can honestly say that when I look at him, he's not the man that I saw before and I'm definitely not love with him anymore. It took two years, but it happened....

Time heals many wounds and will give you clear perspective :)

Also- that is crazy about the c girlfriend! Almost out of a movie

Question. His then x girlfriend didn't know you existed 3 years ago? Did he cheat on her then too?

They had broken up by then. She was abit obsessed and they had parted ways way before I became his girlfriend. And no he didn't cheat on her back than. I WAS NOT THE OTHER ONE 3 YEARS AGO.

All I know is you have to have a clarity of mind no matter where it all pans out to. The love that you have is not bringing that clarity you so need. It's a stalemate. If you're OK being the FWB, it can carry on for years and that's what happened to me....
The decision was taken away from me by his wife finding out and him being embarrassed. Shame is a powerful thought catalyzer. I was not able to put myself first as I am also married... what a mess it all is!.
I am at a point where I am simplifying my thoughts and focusing on my own deeds and life before I ever put myself "out there" again. It's tough because I feel that having an affair muddied all of my prior issues. I found myself more confused than before I met him. Add to that the addiction to the love and the fear of being discovered and you get quite a lethal cowardly mental cocktail that can paralyze you in all spheres. Courage is the only answer xoxo

Marmelade-- so agree with you here. Clarity of mind is HUGE. It's crazy how affairs confound out emotions, logic, and perspectives...courage was the main thing I needed.

Well put!

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Well put- at age 29 - very wise. I am nearly 50. Ive been involved with a person who is a domestic partner. I left my own 6 yr relationship after a few months of involvement.i just could not lie. I was confronted -asked directly what was wrong and i could not lie to someone i respected and loved....but was not "in love" with. So- that was a few months ago. I moved out- etc etc- it was VERY tough all the way around- but i knew what i had to do to be true to myself and to minimize damage on my side. So- the other person is still in her relationship. And the dynamics of course have changed since i am now "free". I now see how generally unhappy this situation is. There are super highs- and still just crazy sex. But------ i am beginning to resent things. I am beginning to be tired of hiding- of not being able to be free and open and just simply happy without this drama in the background. It will be a year of 'starting something' come next june. 2014. Thats all

I think you are in a position to demand to become her first priority. The sooner you and her make a decision about that, the better chance for you to be together, happy forever.... good luck. Let us know how it pans out xo

I am so mixed up. I am not dating but friends with benefits type of deal with this man Ive been friends with almost 20 years. we started being sexually active a year ago. I have fallen for him. however, he found his true love who is 700 miles away. they both said that they will see other people until she moves in with him. they have been dating 3 years now. she hates me and I hate her, however she allows him to have sex with me. how crazy is that? but the thing is... I have fallen for him but I know he loves this other woman. he wants to marry her. so I know I don't have a shot with him. I get mad at him then don't talk to him for weeks he never tracks me down, he doesn't care. so tell me how to walk away forever, HOW? I need too Im going insane and my self-esteem is shot. please tell me..

It's much easier said than done to walk away, especially because you love him, but remember this:

1) He is in love with someone ELSE!!! If he was in love with you, I wouldn't say this, but you should RUN for the hills. He's made it clear that you are Not his future..someone else is... Why are you sticking around?!
2) it sounds like he is using you... I'm sorry! He is getting the best of both worlds--- a woman that he loves, and you, a woman he can get a thrill out of having sex with. ... You deserve FAR better than that! You deserve all that comes with a husband... Companionship, sex, love, holidays, family, trust, friendship....you won't have ANY of that with him!
3) Every day you let him stay in your life, the LONGER you will take to heal, find someone else, and be HAPPY. I walked away over a year ago and I'm STILL healing.
4) Where do you see yourself in 10 years?! If you remain his mistress you won't have a husband, a family, self-esteem or any self- respect. You will be ALONE, asking yourself.. Why didn't I walk away 5 years ago?!
5) It is far better for YOU to walk away now, strong and resilient than for him to drop you once he's married. You will be far more upset if he ends it.
6) I thought I was in far too deep to get my MM out of my life, but you CAN... Especially if you don't see him every day. I see mine at work each day, unfortunately

Wake up, move on, and find a man you deserve and start your life in a HEALTHY relationship!


What you are doing now is not healthy-- both mentally and physically.

You won't realize how strong you are until you need to be!

How are you now marigold. Do you still work with the mm? Is he still married. Trying to walk away myself now. My mm is not happy about that.i can't make a clean break I have to do it slow.he gets angry n has threatened in a round about way to send my h pics of us. His wife found out 2yrs in. My h doesnt. It's now a little over 4n1/2 yrs later.hes changed a lot too. More one sided angry less texts call. Tells me to leave my h first.says he's gonna leave his wife. In beginning I believed n still do he would have before she found out.after words he's was still good to me but he became doing more things w her vacas buying car etc lot of things made me think he was working it out with het.lots of things didn't make sense n I started catching him in lies even though he was telling me to get my divorce first.i think he wants to have me to himself with no h.but I still don't think he will leave her.he says they haven't had sex in yrs which I doubt.i did in the beginning fall for him n told my h I was not happy wanted a divorce .it caused horrible fights my child witnessed n heard too much .I did move out of the marital bed n didn't have sex with my h.while mm I know think was working it out. It's too much the pain the hurt .myself my h his family got involved.i destroyed the lives of many through this. I got to walk away it's just so messed up.i wish I didn't love him.

Experience teaches wisdom!!!! its almost a year now since i left my MM .We had been together almost 5 yrs..loved him with all my heart since i was 17....boy was i stupid!!! he lied to me to begin with and told me he was single but anyhow I'm now over him..he is the past, plus i got a new boyfriend who loves me unconditionally. I truly feel all of your pain because i have been in that position before, i was too young at the moment to be going through "grown" issues such as that, it left me depressed, not focus on college etc but now i am a million times stronger and not eluded by his charm anymore. All i have to say to the rest of you women is that you can gain the courage to leave and never look back, it will be hard, its not easy, there will be pitfalls but u can lift yourself out of them. Just keep trying. Once a man knows that you are vulnerable and weak to him, he will continue to take advantage of you. Don't give him that power over you.. Know that you deserve better and better will come to you only if you seek it. My wake up point came to me when i was "googling" online and saw a post by a woman who had given 10 years of her life to a MM who in the end, left her, and all she had to show for it is growing old alone, a used body, 3 cats to keep her company, no children of her own and being single and lonely, while he lives happily with his loving family...Aint no way in hell was i gonna let that happen to me. You all deserve better, put yourself first!!! i wish you all luck !!!

JoJorock21: Perfectly stated!! I hit a breaking point as well when I heard women were with their MM for 10 years---certainly is an eye opener!!

I'm so happy you are healthy and have moved forward. You're such a strong woman!

Thanks marygold1983. I appreciate your kind words. I just hope other women in this kind of situation will learn from their experience and realize that they are worth much more than that..

You are so mean, so mean...did you consider how the other woman felt? When you get married would you love it if your man went out with another woman? You will get married and this will happen to you too.

Grasea, Quite the contrary, I actually think YOU are mean and quite the coward for writing such cruel comments. Do you know me?!? Have you been in my shoes?!? I find it sad that you judge me when I'm trying to HELP others.

Why do you think I was in therapy? Are you perfect? Nope! None of us are. We ALL make mistakes--and I am the first to admit that I did, and I shared my story first hand to show how I LEARNED from it and GREW from it. That's what life is about!!

I posted my story to HELP others who are lost, have been controlled and manipulated by MM, and possibly to help and prevent pain to others who are selfishly pursued by MM or MW.

Of course I considered how the other considered how the other woman felt!!! That's ALL I thought about--and it literally tore me apart.

Right now I'm healthy, happy, and in the best relationship I've had in years. Walking away from my MM transformed me into a stronger and BETTER person than I was before. I'm confident my future is bright because I've grown, cleansed, and learned.

I wish you the best, Grasea. I hope you find happiness, but not by lashing out at others.

Hi i did not mean to be cruel, the reason am bitter is because i have been the woman on the receiving side for about six months...it was a painful experience but for me i decided to forgive him. Am now healing and when i see women in support of dating married men, it pains me so, so much. I did not mean to be offensive and a am sorry. Any blog or website that you think can help women like me?

Grasea, I'm sorry for what you have gone through; please understand I went through a similar pain, just in a different way.

Also understand I am NOT in "support" of dating a married man at all. In fact, I'm trying to prevent it from happening to others!! which is why I shared my story...

It was a horrible experience for me, and I'd hate to see women go through it - both the mistresses and ones who were cheated on...

Can experienceproject help?! This site has many different areas of support.

http://www.experienceproject.com/groups/Have-Been-Cheated-On/37562

Also - Just so you know, a woman in your situation (who was cheated ON) contacted me a few months and told me that my story gave her the strength to walk away from her cheating husband.

If you need any advice; I've seen both sides.

Thanks Marygold, i appreciate. Yes i need help, i need to heal as the pain is still there despite forgiving him and taking him back. How can you help, please advice.

Have you seen a therapis, Grasea?! With or without your husband? If there is pain there, it means you haven't truly forgiven him

I have not seen a therapist yet as it is quite expensive here i, do you know of any i can use online? Thanks so much.

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Thank you so much for your response cinicole. I found out the other day that she has taken him back and they've just departed on their postponed honeymoon. I obviously regret embarking on something that had no future. I wish her well because I doubt he'll be completely faithful to her. She'll always be wondering whether he's going to do it again.

You're right; he won't be completely faithful, because there was obviously something broken/missing in that relationship to begin with!

i walked away 2 weeks ago. very painful but PLEASE. he certainly ain't breaking up his happy home to take me to family thanksgivings! LOL. lez be honest

How you do it. Im together w married man. And he is my everything. I wish im strong enough to walk away but im too weak to do that. We r together for 2years. And now he has changed. From a guy who would do every single thing for me no matter how difficult it is he will do it for me. But now i don't even have a chance to think of it cos it would never happen. Im in the suffer stage right now. I cry everyday n night just to wish it will b back again. I can't live without him pls give me strong advice.

Doesn't say man. Maybe she just didn't apply the right picture

okay didn't look ....

She did have a guy pic. Changed it though after you responded. I had to look too

Lalana9,

The sadness that you feel now is the worst part and is the most difficult stage of loss. It will get better from here; I promise.

Keep yourself very busy; break off all ties from him--it's not worth it. The more time you invest in him- even thoughts - the worse off you will feel, and the harder it will be for you to break ties.

Remember that you deserve someone that can give you their FULL love an attention; if he can't do that, then he's not worth it! You are cheating yourself of a truly happy life if you allow him to get the best of you.

Move on. Run for the hills. Find someone who is 100% yours!

Lalana9, i cannot tell you what to do, i can only share my experience. Mine started similar to yours, same slow down over time. Has been over 4 years now, and still no hope for serious life together... Was it worth waiting for, or was it all just wasted time? I don't know...

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Your circumstance is aggravated further by the fact that this is work place dalliance. You have fallen for the oldest ploy in the world and should have known this the first time he announced that his wife , knowing your dalliance persuaded him to go to counseling. This was the beginning of the big lie. He hooked you to the gills emotionally and was not enough man to follow through with a commitment to you in the end. I lived my life in dalliances, a necessity, a fact I am not proud of, but I never allowed anyone to become so attached that they thought that there was to be a satisfactory conclusion. You allowed yourself to get emotionally involved with a man whose professions of love lacked substance and you are now a victim. How sad that this happens to good people.

Office dalliances I have always frowned upon and have had to fire many great personnel when their problems began to affect morale and productivity.

You have my complete empathy in this and this clown who you seem still to wish back in your life is a weak character whose intention was never to leave his wife and family obligations. I have no respect for him and think he is abhorrent in his new attempt to rekindle the dalliance.

Zorbas,

Thank you for your insight and kind words. I can happily say I am far better off now than I was when I was with my MM. Took a while and a lot of strength, but I made it!

I am delighted to hear of this I am proud of you!

I started seeing another woman's man about 18 months ago. We were friends for a long time, but the timing was never right for us. He had been dating his girlfriend (now wife) for about a year when he made a play for me. The worst thing I ever did was respond to his advances. I fell in love with him, but during that time he actually got engaged and then married her - 5 weeks ago. When he got engaged, I made a mental note to never go anywhere near him again, but 2 months on he started contacting me and one thing led to another. He married in August and on the day he came back from his honeymoon he started messaging me again. I responded, on a friendly basis at first, which became mildly flirtatious. Last week he left his mobile phone on and she saw the messages, which I found out about when she sent me an enquiring text the next morning. Eventually, after much probing, he confessed all. I am devastated for 2 reasons: 1: I've ruined the life of an innocent person. All the time this had been going on, it became easy to pretend she never existed. He very rarely spoke of her and I was so blinded by what I felt for him I couldn't see past what I was doing. 2: He put a letter through my door at the weekend telling me he was cutting off all contact with me as he loved his wife and hoped he could salvage their marriage. It feels like a bereavement. Someone who I loved so much I will now never see again. I played my part in this and I will always regret hurting someone else. I fell so in love I couldn't see what I was doing. Now 3 lives are ruined.

Violetrainbow,

I do not think your life is ruined! In fact, it has been SAVED. You can now LIVE your life and find someone who won't lie and manipulate you as your MM did. Don't feel guilty about ruining their marriage; their marriage is not ruined; I have seen many people come back from affairs.

Please stay strong an realize that this is a fresh start for you! Yes - you feel hurt and completely abandoned -- but remember YOU are the victim here. HE hurt and lied to his wife, NOT YOU!! HE cheated on his wife, NOT YOU! He lied to you; you didn't lie!

Stay strong and minimize contact with him. I wouldn't be surprised if he tries to contact you again. Stay strong and ignore him if he does. Hang out with your girlfriends, get out there, and have pity on him!

Best of luck!

Well, they both turned up at my house last night. He brought her to my home to rant and scream and call me all the names under the sun, and he stood there and reinforced his wish for me to respect THEIR privacy. Stunned and completely broken. Why on earth would he do that?

Because he is an a-hole. This further confirms that you deserve better. I sympathize with the wife but her anger is displaced--he broke their vows. I hope that you find the strength to move on and gain that confidence to demand respect for you and your home. You are BETTER than your circumstance. Sending love to you!

Great posting cinicole , that does confirm that she deserves better, i asked to mm I was once involved with what his reaction would have been had his wife caught him and he pretty much told me he would do the same thing as this guy did to trinori 1, end result he didn't like what I had to say as a response, but he still managed to get out I want to see you again, I'm thinking good luck with that happening ever again.,, it's funny how the wife targets the ow ,like she's the problem, forgetting there had to have been a problem in the home for the mm to stray in the first place .,,,rather it be her or character flaws her husband is having.,,

He is a ****. He is the scum of the earth to have brought her to your place and make you out to be the bad guy. You dont deserve him or anyone like him. Be thankful he sgowed his true colors before you got anymore involved.

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marygold, thanks so much for your message.

My MM and I are still seeing each other. 2 weeks ago, we agreed it would be better to be just friends, and it was actually lovely just being that. Then I jumped him at one holiday day and kissed and made out with him. MY bad. Then it started to get physical again, ending up with sex this weekend. Again, MY bad.

He says that, though the sex is great, the most important thing is that we are friends, that he will always have a friend in him, no matter what happens. I have told him that I don't think he would ever leave his wife, and that I don't think his wife is ever going to leave him. It is my parents' relationship all over again, and I see how it is going to end up because I lived through it as a child. It's awful. But I'd like to think that we can be grownups about this and honor a friendship. Maybe I'm deluding myself.

I'm trying to disengage from the romantic feelings, keeping in mind that I already see the cracks, his faults, but I still love him, and I still want him in my life. I will miss the romantic part of our relationship so much, but I can't let him go 100%. I do date other people, haven't slept with another, though. He is still the one I love, and I know that a small part of myself is holding out hope in this impossible situation. But I think that the more I go out and date, and the more we just avoid the sex altogether, I will feel more liberated.

I know that anything can happen, and, if being a friend is what we can do for right now, I'm going to have to do it. Why? Because I do love him. I do wish the best for him. I don't want to lose him, but I also don't want to be The Other Woman for the rest of my life. I don't know if I really want to get married again, but I would like to have a committed relationship with someone one day. Perhaps, it will be him, so, as you say, marygold, I am keeping faith, while trying to stay open to the possibility of another.

TangoGoddess,

It sounds like you are being very realistic. I commend you for trying to remain his friend---I never could! I had to cut off a LOT of contact actually. It's also so smart you are dating.

He could leave; you are right, but don't rely on it. If you do, you will never truly move forward.

Best of luck and stay strong;)

Your written words could have come right out my mouth!

:-( My feelings exactly articulated in your letter. I walked away yesterday....

Good for you!! Stay strong

This is exactly what I am going through and I don't know how to walk away....we have a 3 year old son together. It hurts to the core

Hi, I'm a guy but thought I would post a response that may help some of the "other woman" on here, my wife had a two year affair which I eventually found out about and it destroyed our 19 year marriage, I was heart broken my life seemed destroyed, when the affair came out I told her that her other guy had two weeks to tell his wife, which he did and two years later they are still together, we have kids and full shared custody I can sit with them both at the normal events ie birthdays etc and to be honest am now two years later well and truly over my wife BUT that's not the moral of my story, I had been having an affair with a woman for 10 years which my ex wife didn't know about, it wasn't a local thing so we only got together for short blocks of time (when working away) but it was intense, we spoke about how once my kids grew up we could be together etc, but the truth is once my wife left me I didn't actually want the other woman, she was devistated and recently asked my why after ten years I dropped her like a lead balloon, what I said was this "all the time you were the other woman you filled the gap of what was missing which was really just a bit of excitement as soon as I became single, your position in my life became obsolete because you can't be a bit on the side when there is no main woman and I've now come to realise that if I really was in love with you I would of got out of my marriage what ever to be with you, the truth is my marriage wasn't at all unhappy for the bulk of it so I would of never left".
My ex wife is a firm believer of sticking with your decisions but what I will say and my kids have confirmed this she is now a heavy drinker and smoker (she wasn't before) the kids have said many a time her new partner has to help her to bed, on a recent visit to drop the kids off she started to moan about her new man how he doesn't help with finances at all knowing she has another large lump sum coming, how he doesn't cook or do special family meals like me, or mess about and how he can't take being laughed at, I was always the clown, she basically said the grass isn't greener, which is sad considering, we were great together but it took us both to not realise that until to late. Me well I'm still single, had some theropy and many dates just not ready or found the one.....

How come you say her affair destroyed your marriage ?your 10 year affair was ok? Sounds like both of you had parts in it and werent happy or neither of you would have strayed.its usually never just one spouses fault.

Your right my 10 year affair wasn't ok and like I said we obviously were both unhappy, but I would of never left her thats my point, I loved her and I would never of deliberately hurt her but when I found out about her affair she changed she rubbed it in my face, walking out on a friday night dressed up and getting in his car, leaving me in tears on the dinning room floor with an 8 and 10 year old watching, this went on for 8 weeks until I couldn't take anymore, she decided she had enough of being a mum and for the first 8 weeks the children were with me most of the time.

Oh wow that is way harsh.i cant believe she did that right in your face not to mention in front of your children. How cruel. I am sorry. I apologize for assuming yours was ok I understand better now. Thank you. Hope you are in a happy relationship now

Well its been a rocky road for sure, I met what I thought to be a fantastic woman and it turned out she is a Borderline Personality Disorder and wow that takes it out of you, I tried to gently get out of the relationship several time but it was breaking my heart all the self harming etc, eventually I got out this April but its been tough, when ever she has needed me I've been silly enough to be there for her, her eating disorder back and her mum pulling her hair out over different illnesses but Ive met someone new, well sort of she is actually the Mum of my Secretary (my secretary is only 22) and I've known her for 4 years, always thought she was attractive but never thought past that until 8 weeks ago and its been brilliant, early days but so much in common, my Ex wife has had her moan but think thats because she can see I'm happy lol, onwards and upwards as they say :-)

Its definitely a rough road we have to journey on. it surely takes its toll on you in every way. Guess thats how we learn and become stronger. Good luck with your new someone we all deserve to be happy.

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Im glad u walked away. I had a situation like that once, and I thought I was never gone get over it. Until.i told myself its over