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I Was The Other Woman; Read If You Want To Walk Away

I'm 29 years old and I live and own a house with my boyfriend of 11 years.

About 2 years about I became involved romantically with my co-worker, a married man with three young children. I still work with him very closely with this man...but about two months ago I completely walked away from the situation, and I'm so happy I did.

I was completely in LOVE with him. There are qualities that pseudonym "John" has that I honestly still am in love with. Our romance progressed slowly over 4 years. We were first just friends, but it slowly evolved into love. At first he pursued me just physically and I rejected him several times--partly because we work together but more so because of my current boyfriend, who I do still love.

Eventually I became weak to his pursuits and we became physical for about 16 months. He wrote me love letters, called me daily, sent me thousands of texts. I always looked forward to going to work, to see his smile, to laugh with him, , to love and "live" my life fuller. We spent many nights together, and met in secret to spend time together outside of work. I was completely in love, and so was he. I remember saying often "I've never felt this way before. This is different. He is my soul mate." John spoke often of leaving his wife, and I spoke of leaving my boyfriend. We were drawn to one other because we saw traits in one another that our current spouses just didn't have. To a certain degree--I still think this is true.

About 4 months ago, he told his wife he had feelings for me and wanted a divorce. He expected her to be just devastated and walk away, but she was determined to make it work and go to counseling. "John" was very torn because although he was not "in love" with his wife, he does still care for her. John waffled back and forth--but remained true and honest with me about how he was still crazy about me. However, one fact still remained: he was still with his wife, despite her continues moments of "kicking him out."

I thought of walking away dozens of times...but I told myself "just hold on a little longer...give him time....he/I need more time." I mainly didn't want to walk away though because I didn't want face the hurt and devastation of losing a man I was in love with.

Finally, about 2 months ago, I told him I was tired of waiting, tired of the jealousy, tired of the hurt, and most of all, tired of being unhappy.

The realization that I was actually UNHAPPY during the 16 month affair was an awakening moment for me. Yes, there were amazing "highs" where I felt like I could do ANYTHING. John made me feel beautiful, intelligent, funny, unique and loved. However, along with these incredible highs were the darkest of lows...incredible sadness for betraying, lying, and hurting my boyfriend (who eventually found out) and not actually having the "real" love that I wanted--John. My life was a ROLLERCOASTER, but overall of was UNHAPPY, anxious, nervous and not fullfilled both emotionally, physically and psychologically.

Walking away was devastating, but I have to say that I am far LESS sad than I thought I would be. (THERAPY has helped A LOT.) The anticipation of saddness/depression is far WORSE than what I actually feel.  Still, I cried in secret for weeks, dreaded going to work because I didn't want to face "him."  I torn up my diary in tears, and spend many drives crying around my neighborhood mourning the loss who I once thought was "the love of my life."

Since walking away, John has attempted several times to get me back into his life. He has emailed me, written me letters, and expressed how he misses me and still is unhappy in his marriage. In the beginning, I was weak to his attempts and succumbed a little to his pursuits. However, because he is still with his wife, I have remained strong in my decision to walk away. I eventually realized that John will NEVER leave his wife, but he still wanted me in his (however small it was---whether it was flirting, or being physical here and there) which is why he has continued to contact me/keep me close in his life. Once I realized this, I saw him as weak and selfish, and I felt EMPOWERED to find happiness in different way.

The only way the affair would end was if I was the one who ended it; it took a while, but eventually I was STRONG enough to do it.

Since walking away, I have begun to try to repair my current relationship, which wasn't completely broken to begin with. Our relationship has become "better" but we still have a lot to work on. Since immersing myself in my current boyfriend, I have started to appreciate traits in him that I believe I was completely blind to before. I've also now appreciate traits in my boyfriend that John just never had.

When I think about how my life would have been if John had left his wife, I'm SO happy it didn't turn out that way. My life would have been a DISASTER. I would have been vilified by his wife's family, by my friends and colleagues at work,  by my friends, my current boyfriend's family etc. My honest and respected reputation at work would have been tarnished, and I would have been unjustly labeled as a "homewrecker"---even though John is the one who ruined his marriage, not me. Not to mention, I don't think I could have EVER REALLY trusted John. I honestly don't think our relationship would have lasted through the chaos of our circumstances.

Do I still love John? Yes. (I'm being honest)

Are there times when I miss him? Absolutely. (You can't just turn those feelings off)

Are there times when I wish he would contact me? yes (I'm human)

Do I sometimes become weak to his flirtations? They are less and less every day.

Am I happy in my current relationship? The progress is slow but steady.

Am I unhappy/sad/depressed/anxious anymore? NO!!!


My advice to those still in relationships with married men is this:

1) There ARE situations where men leave their wives for their mistresses. However, if he truly wants to be with you, he will leave his wife. If this doesn't occur within a few months - year MAX - it most likely will never happen.

2) You don't see how messed up the situation is while you are in it. It isn't until now that I see HOW MANY people are involved, and how difficult it would have been for John to actually leave.

3) It wasn't until AFTER I walked away when I realized how demeaning the whole situation was. I was always SECOND--but I deserved to be FIRST!!!

4) You will never find TRUE happiness being the other woman; you will be UNHAPPY. (bouts of highs, yes, but overall unhappy)

5) Walking away can be an empowering experience. You will find strength you never thought you had.

6) The only way you will find happiness with another man/woman, is it you completely LET GO of the married man.

7) Find a good therapist. I have been seeing one for the past 8 months--he's the one who actually gave me the courage and insight to walk away.

8) If you and your married man are meant to be together, it will happen. Have Faith.


I still struggle with this "dark side" of my life every day. John is still "trying" to keep me in his life (which I actually resent now!!! Go figure!!)

I'm still trying to mend my current relationship and find happiness with my boyfriend. Even though I'm not sure if it will work out, I'm CERTAIN that walking away from John is the best thing I could have done.

I'm MUCH MORE HEALTHY now than I was not too long ago!!!


marygold1983 marygold1983 26-30, F 146 Responses Apr 9, 2012

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I'm so grateful to have come across this. I'm married (not happily) with 2 children and I have connected romantically with a college friend/crush for the past couple months. He is also married, but does not have children. We talk or text daily, we have talked about our feelings and he recently declared his love for me. I feel very strongly for him and I want to be with him. Is it too soon to ask him about leaving his wife? He's said that his wife is a good woman, but hasn't said anything else. I'm so emotionally invested in this man, I just want to know sooner than later...

I have thought about this post a bit - This is my answer: If either of you are leaving to jump into "YOU" - You are writing a recipe for disaster. If there are any true feelings between you and you have disassembled families, that guilt will undermine anything good that COULD be built between the both of you.
Be very sure when you leave your husband and dissolve a family that you are leaving because you ARE unhappy in your situation and are willing go it alone. You are willing to make changes in yourself that will build a happier life for you and your children. He also has to come to the same conclusion.
I wish you much luck in this pursuit ..... XO

Your storyis mine. I am still in the relationship but spend more time hurting, wondering than i do happy. It has changed me from the happy person who was outgoing to being no fun. Tells me he lives me to death but we have to put it on hold for a bit as his live in girlfriend is sick. Put love on hold? I need your strength this is killing me

Walk Away. You deserve more. Him asking you to "put it on hold" is asking you to put your LIFE on hold. Don't do it. I wasted 2 years of my life that I cannot get back!

I am still "The Wife" and going through a very hurtful unwanted divorce. Myself or anybody that knows us never knew this was an unhappy marriage, or unhappy family. It came from out of the blue for my 2 teenage boys and myself. What makes it even harder for me is that my husband is now a police sergeant in our city and 6 1/2 yrs ago he was shot, almost lost his life and had to have part of his leg amputated. His now known girlfriend of who knows exactly how long is the sister to the partner he had the night of his shooting. She watched the devastation and hell that our family went through and pursued my husband and yes he too is at fault as he allowed it. Without writing a novel here, he walked out on his family of all days "Valentines Day"
and filed for divorce a month later. for almost 20 yrs I believed in him 100%. I am not saying I am perfect but in my heart I know that I did not do the wrong here and so does God. One thing u need to know if a man is in a marriage he is in just that. If he wants to be single than he needs to be a MAN and finish up the relationship 100% before starting a relationship with another woman. And all women need to know that a relationship cannot be built without 100% trust. A man going outside of his marriage is never trust worthy or honest. Don't ever put yourself, his wife or children in that position

I'm so sorry for what happened to you. I agree with 100% of what you said. And you are right...you did nothing wrong. Best of luck to you.

Hi there. Are you still on EP? I cannot tell you how much your post resonates with me. I have been reading it over and over and over again. I am in exactly the same boat, except he never said he will leave his wife for me, because of the kids. I am on day one after a 7 month affair, and right now I just cannot see how I will ever feel better. I have only been married for 18 mnths, no kids. I do not understand how I allowed this to happen, but I am sure I will pay the price in pain for it, despite the fact that neither of our spouses know about it (now anyway). I know I need to stay strong this time( tried to call it off 3 times before). I love him, and he says he loves me, but it just isn't enough. And although the thought of breaking up his family and my marriage is just impossible to comprehend, I cannot help but to feel incredibly sad and still want to be with him. Sure I will get a lot of criticism, but you cannot help who you fall in love with.. I really do not know how I"ll get through this or ever forgive myself. Thank you so much for sharing.

I still check in on occasion:) so sorry you are going through a rough time. I know you can't help who you fall in love with; however if your MM has never stated he would leave his wife, he won't leave. You will most likely just feel unhappy, unfulfilled, and eventually really sad in that relationship. From your post, it sounds like you know you need to end it. I know exactly the position that you were in; however, you really do need to be with someone you are 100% invested in and he is 100% invested in you. Once I broke it off with MM, it took my boyfriend – now husband – a year and a half to completely rebuild our relationship. We are so much happier now than we have ever been. However, I had to completely break ties with the MM. I no longer have any feelings towards him at all. It's hard to believe I can actually say that now, because I was MADLY in love with him. I'm so happy it did not work out with him. My husband is far more loving, honest, pure, devoted... just SO much more of an amazing person then MM was. I completely took him for granted. However, when I was involved with the MM I was in my own fantasy world. MM was perfect and could do no wrong.
My advice to you is to please give your husband a chance. Break ties with your MM. I'm SO happy and lucky that my job, integrity, and self-worth were not ruined by the affair.

Thank you so much for your reply. I managed to have two weeks before I crumbled again. I cannot seem to stay away from him, and working very closely together makes it really difficult. You're absolutely right that I need to stay away from him, but like you were, I am madly in love with him, and he with me. (or so I believe). I understand why he won't leave his wife and kids, I just wish I could find a way of accepting it. I find it heart to work on my marriage, as I'm constantly comparing my husband to him, and the mm always wins. I am so confused and scared and have no idea how to recover from this. I so wish I could be where you are- being able to say I don't feel anything for him anymore. Thank you for your reply. It does help to know I'm not he first one to go through this.

Of course your "MM" always wins when you compare him to your husband--- you are comparing a fantasy man/an idealized relationship, who you have not experienced real life with, to your husband---a relationship where the honeymoon phase has worn off and you are living REAL LIFE. It's truly not a fair comparison at all.

I say this because I used to make the SAME COMPARISON!!...and the MM would always "win." However, you have not lived with your MM, seen his other "real" side in the reality of life and all the authentic problems it presents.

It took me TWO YEARS to stop having feelings for him. I was DEVASTATED when I walked away....and it took me 4 or 5 tries to do it. I kept going back like you have because I was "in love." However, it looking back, I'm SO GLAD I walked away.

Keep in mind - the longer you stay in this affair, the harder it will be to walk away.

Bottom line - if you truly to not think he will leave his wife, you will NEVER be truly happy with the MM....and a year from now you will be saying to yourself "I wished I was strong enough to walk away a year ago."

If he can't leave his wife now, he never will. My MM would make excuses because of holidays, kids' birthdays blah blah blah. It took 2 years of anxiety, depression, therapy, and almost getting caught to FINALLY walk away.

I hope you figure this out soon, and don't waste as much of your life as I did.

A slightly different story, but nonetheless one that should be shared and open for comments and insight. My MM and I were together for almost 10 months. I use the term "were" as I am recently in the unknown zone due to him just being "found out" by his wife.

For openers, this man initiated the relationship, said the first "I Love You's", has discussed several times him relocating with me (he lives 1000 miles away) or myself moving to his area of his state. He admitted being married from the start, he wants a divorce, and has proposed marriage to me. His divorce would be coming with severe monetary consequences and he was in the planning process of "putting away" as much cash as he could, expecting to have to give up most of it to his 30+ year marriage. He was giving her the house, the cars, and half of their savings account. He wanted to be "happy" for once and I was the beautiful one who completed him and made him "happy"

His reasons for leaving her? He states that for the past 20 years, their intimacy has been nil, they aren't friendly, and they don't even say "I Love You" to each other anymore. He admits to having numerous affairs on her, even getting caught in an affair by her, PRIOR to this, where it did all but devastate the marriage. His two children were young then (they are grown and married now) and they both "stuck it out" back then for his underage kids.

And so our past 10 months have been about planning our future together, being each others best friend, being in constant communication. I have taken trips to see him in his neck of the woods, and he has traveled to me many times. I have encouraged him to try to work on his marriage and he told me that he does not love her anymore. I am his lover, his world, his universe. Together, we are "ONE".

A very loving text was sent by him to me this last Monday, and two hours later, I responded in turn. Knowing that he was out of town with the wife and the daughter on an unplanned, unexpected trip, I knew that our
communication would be sporadic...and no return text was expected. He always told me that it was safe to text him anytime, and if he couldn't respond, it was because he can't, not won't. The next morning I wished him a good morning via text and got an immediate response, "Hi, its not safe, I have to go" ... I inboxed his facebook (versus texting) to ask if he was okay? I heard back the same evening via text to me, that he is okay. Two days later I left another facebook message, plain and simple, "Let me know what's up, I am here".

Two hours later, our friendship was deleted by him on facebook, and an email was sent to me by him, very stiff and regimented, stating that he was "found out". His children (albeit adult children in their mid 20's) have been told and are not taking the news well, they mean everything to him and this being said, he needs to drop out of the picture and try to repair the damage that he has caused, also for me to "please forgive him", and he will contact me when possible.

It has been 5 days, I have not heard anything more from him, and I have not responded to his email. Frankly, I don't know what to respond back. Our "relationship" is based on a close friendship, and I am feeling the (loss?) of my best friend more than anything else. So...what happened, and what happens next??

Wow, I can't believe how our stories have so many similarities. I reconnected with my first love from high school after being apart for 35 years. He initiated the initial contact 10 months which I never would have thought to even start. We are both married (him 30 years and me 20 years). We are 1,226 miles apart and have kept in contact via Facebook, texting and phone calls. We met once for three night and three days and decided we wanted to be together forever. He has told me he loves me and I love him. His wife is clinically depressed and has been dependent upon him as he was the sole supporter of the family. He was working on getting his wife straightened around so that we could begin our life together and he would not have the guilt of having left her in a lurch.

On Tuesday I called him because he was suppose to be driving home from work in his car. Low and behold when I phoned him, his wife picked up the phone. The long and short of the whole mess is that, he told me he needs to save his 30 year marriage (that is void of love and physical contact). His two daughters are in the mid and late twenties. He speaks with them daily. They all live in different states. I am sure they are part of the equation because they would hate him if he left their mother.

I have tried to contact him three separate times, and he has not contacted me back. I am a mess. I was planning on leaving my husband and moving to his state within the next 9 months. He is the only man I have ever loved and I am feeling a huge loss.

I keep looking for answers where there are none. It was good to read your post. It made me feel like I wasn't so alone.

Thank You, I needed this today. I am in this same situation right now.

I'm happy you wrote this article for the simple fact that it gives me a little insight as to how the woman who is sleeping with my husband may be thinking. I was relocated with my job 2 hours away. He was going to stay behind for 2 months working until our lease was up. My 18 month old an I moved alone and he was supposed to come on the weekends. Every 2 weeks quickly turned into every month and then him being "offered a promotion" forcing him to stay. In reality, he was let go for being in a relationship with an employee. For the past year he would come down and see us whenever he claimed to have time. He'd pretend to be a family and sleep with me, knowing that he was secretly living with this younger woman (and her 3 roommates). It wasn't until I saw a text he received that I found out about what he claimed was an "emotional affair". He promised me and my son he was finally moving down and only loved us. We waited at the train for 2 hours, anxiously waiting to pick him up and be a family again. He wouldn't answer his phone. Finally I got a text that simply said " I never boarded the train, I love her more than being a family with you". I begged him to come down, told him we could still co-parent and try to get along on a strictly platonic level. I was able to forgive him for wasting the last 7 years of my life on him for the sake of our son. His response was that he cannot stand being in a different city than his girlfriend. Yet he's ok being away for 2 months at a time from his son. It is so heart breaking, especially because I know he would have continued on with his double life had I not seen the text. This woman was a "friend" I knew of who pursued him for a very long time. As much as she is a homewrecker who knew exactly what she was doing, this is entirely HIS fault. Now my son understands daddy isn't around anymore, uncles and cousins are filling the void. He tells me he's always sick, has anxiety and ulcers because of all of this. It's too late. You told me you love a 22 year old waitress more than your son and the mother of your child. I WISH THIS WOMAN WOULD HAVE BEEN AS STRONG AS YOU. Instead her texts say things like "we can have a family of our own". "You don't need a son that doesn't want to speak to you." "Do you honestly want to think of your ex when you look at your child, or do you want a baby that reminds you of me?" To read these texts she would send him made me realize what a terrible monster he was in love with, meaning he was even worse of a monster for loving her and doing as she would say.

Not to say I could ever trust him again or be with him, but I still want my son to have a relationship with his father. now the disgust and resentment is so bad, I can never even look him in the eyes. I don't even try to FaceTime him anymore because it hurts to know that woman is sitting right next to him, listening to everything he says to me and my son. I feel so violated and betrayed. I could never knowingly have an affair, whether it be emotional or physical with a married man. To know you are the reason a poor child's life will completely change because of you is something terrible to go through life knowing.

MOST women DO NOT set out to NAB a married man - that was NEVER my intent - I was told he was leaving her ...... Lie number one .. .. and MANY more as the years went on - (too involved for a post) - This woman sounds awful, young or old - she has no boundaries - no soul. As hurt as I have been through the years (over 10), I have a difficult time justifying telling his wife - and so, I haven't - WHY? Because he has a daughter (grown, but still) and I KNOW that at the end of the day SHE would be the most hurt - hearing awful things about her dad, seeing her sick mother upset, all sorts of things. Your ex? husband sounds like a real looser - honestly - your son doesn't need that kind of a role model - he needs to see a strong and loving person walk the walk like a man - Maybe NOT staying with you (if he's really THAT unhappy) - but always a father FIRST to his child. Say goodbye and stay strong - let the other"lucky" woman have him - a zebra never changes it's stripes - I'm sure my "friend" had affairs before me - and if he were still young - probably would find another. You have done nothing - he is weak. HUGS to you - you are better off ......

Thank you. I only wish us as women would respect one another. Just because a man says he intends on eventually leaving his significant other is still not an excuse to cross those boundaries. A friendship can quickly become and emotional affair. Before I got married and was dating, if I met a man who told me he was separated or in the process of leaving his wife, I walked away. Why? Because they deserve every right to attempt to work on things. It's hard to work on fixing something if you didn't know anything was wrong, and even harder when you are making a conscious effort to resolve whatever issues there are, but he isn't giving 100% as a result of his emotional involvement with someone else. Like the original post said, she didn't realize how many traits her boyfriend had that she appreciated that the married man did not have until she finally cut the affair off. Just because a family is having a rough patch doesn't mean you are allowed to play, temptation stands in the way of them having a true, full shot at trying to fix things.

You are right - and like you, I had walked away from "committed" men. Life isn't always black and white - and these men are really good at manipulation and lies. Mine told me his wife had MS - they had not lived as man and woman for years - he was leaving, but then - she got "worse" - You can't possibly understand the head games until you are there - I couldn't either. I have NO excuse except being STUPID. Frankly - something in the marriage I was "dealing" with OBVIOUSLY has HUGE issues - Think about it - Would you NOT know after 10 years that your husband that you "loved" was involved with someone else? I honestly thought at one point - I was HELPING him bear his burden of the sick wife - LOLOLOL - IDIOT! I wish the best for you - and I'm telling you - I know you are hurting, and hurting bad - and I don't expect you to like who you may think I am - BUT - (and this was my point really) - If your man was/is willing to dump his OWN CHILD - he is NO GOOD. And what he did to you he will do to the next one and the next one - these cheaters hinge on being sociopaths in their own way - they have NO regard for anyone, except themselves. The bottom line in my situation - Their marriage is NOT a happy one (happy marriages don't have an affair for over 10 years and no one knows!????) - BUT - it's easier to stay (on BOTH sides, her's and his) - family, friends and most of all MONEY. And idiots like me make it easy for these cons. I hope you find someone that loves you and your son the way you deserve - I know I will - and will live everyday with the regret that I believed in a NO ONE.

Anonsinglemom,

Your post really hit me where it hurts... I'm so incredibly sorry you are going through this.

I'm glad my story gave you insight; however, I'm in no way proud of what I did. I regret it every day... And wished I had "seen the light" much sooner.

I can say that I was truly manipulated by John and his lies... My therapist thinks he's a sociopath. It's so sad but it sounds like your husband is so selfish... And may show sociopathic tendencies (no empathy)... Especially when it comes to your child. Even if I had been with John.. I know he would never had abandoned his children.

It's weird...I wish I could give you a hug... Even though I was once in a position of someone you much hate so much!! I hope you find comfort in the fact that I have truly renewed myself... And I email with women every day about how to "walk away" from married men. I've actually spoken to other wives like you as well...Who eventually ended up leaving their cheating husbands.

I think you are SO strong for dealing with this...and I truly believe you deserve SO MUCH better... A man that loves you for you. You deserve the upmost of happiness and I pray you find it. I think leaving your husband behind is the strongest and best decision you can make. Why have someone toxic in your life? Your son's life?! Just because your husband isn't heavily involved in your child's life... Doesn't mean another man can't fulfill that role one day... A better, stronger, devoted, more loving man. It makes me sick to believe he doesn't care for his child..but some people are so selfish/self-centered that we have to leave them behind so we can move on.... That's what I did...And I will never look back...

In closing, I have to say that it sounds like your husband is with a HORRIBLE woman... How can he ever truly be happy with her when she sends texts like that?! My gut says he won't ever be happy with her. Maybe one day he will "see the light" as I did.

I hope you find what makes you and your son happy. I will keep you both in my thoughts.

Marygold

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OMG! Thanks so much for sharing this, marygold.. Sharing your experience does help me in my own life.. I've been seeing a MM for a year n eight mths... We started as friends.. He told me it was great for him to have someone to talk to, n that he enhJoyed t.a platonic thing.. He cried when I went abroad for a few mths.. Spoke to me everyday.. slowly we became physical as well..
He calls me everyday asks how my day is, tells me what he did, tells me bout his wife n kids- what they do, how they are... We don't live in the sane city- see each other once in four mths..
He used to write letters tellin me he was crazy bout me, at the beginning of our relationship, that I was his support, his treasure.. I was good with it- cos he clearly told me that he couldn't leave cos of the kids... At least until they were settled in life, later it changed to- I dunno what the future holds...
Of late, I've been feeling that I'm the one who invests a hell lot more than he does.. He doesn't say he loves me, doesn't do small things by which I should not get insecure.. And when I told him he says he is sorry for what he is doing to me- tells me he doesn't want me hanging cos he can't give me a commitment.. Wants me to go ahead n find someone n settle down.. I put him on a pedestal, forgave all his mistakes.. Two days ago he told me when we fights with his wife- he thinks that I see the world in him n make him the most happy.. However if I do go out or mention another guys name, he gets bothered n upset n I can see it..
Sometimes I feel he loves me- on other days it is staring at the phone for a message or a call.. U are right I'm realizing now- that I am more unhappy than happy in this.. In a weird ****** way I know I can't n will never be with him, but I wanted to be more than friends- support him in all he does, bandage his wounds n basically be a doormat.. I, in return, cry every night cos I'm unfulfilled.. We decided no physical anymore- that we would be friends.. I told him n he said no problem, but that he always wanted to be around for me n for us to share our ups n downs.. I kept asking him whether he loves me n he kept saying he does, but doesn't want to anchor me to him anymore.. N that he can't do this to me..
I still don't understand what happened.. N whether he is genuine or not :(
I want the strength to leave- but God it hurts so much..

I have a question - I have been involved for 10 years and have never done a single thing to upset the apple cart - although my heart is breaking all the time - but then i hear him, and I get washed in again. I am to the point that I want to tell his wife - although I find it hard to believe that she really doesn't know - What is your opinion - Understand that I am to the point that I just am tired being the only one uncomfortable ....... ?

Don't tell his wife. Two wrongs don't make it right! Don't stoop to his level!

I actually could never bring myself to do that ... I believe she knows, it would be hard to believe otherwise after over 10 years - So - I just feel sorry for the two of them living a lie - but as for me - I've learned a lot about people at this advanced hour in life - and I was foolish for believing in someone that has found an entire life in lies - I am sure I wasn't the first, and doubt I will be the last. So - licked the wounds - will continue to cry at night and one day this awful ache will leave.
Thank you so much for your input ... I needed something on that day - Thank you ....

I know that awful ache kitty1958!! I can't sleep. I've lost four pounds in five days. And . . . I can't concentrate long enough to do my job!!!! I just want to crawl into bed and not wake up!!!!

I understand - I had a break-down of sorts about 2 years ago - These "relationships" are so complex - on so many levels, and as if the emotional complexity isn't enough - you're dealing with people assuming you're interfering with some happy couple - People expect that "we" can just accept this and that, but why the wife or husband is never held accountable for their own unhappiness in their partnerships is beyond me. I'm tired of hearing about what an awful person I am about this - I didn't go after it, I have left before, I don't ever contact him - NOTHING. When I was unhappy in my marriage and had done everything I could - I left, never unfaithful (not that that matters, and I make NO judgments) - If these people were so happy and well connected - WHY are they looking beyond their marriage? And these wives know and stay - the answer is simple - it's easier to stay and collect the check, to keep the friends, to not be alone - then to have the courage to find peace and happiness - and all this crap about "sticking it out" making people committed - SORRY - son't buy it. They stick it out because it's easier to do that. And in some marriages is all in the game - cat and mouse. He cheats, she knows, she gets mad - they make up and life is a high for about a year and then BOOM here it goes again ..... They can keep it - but for people like you and me and other VERY sincere women (or men) WE get caught in an ugly and cruel game - and it hurts - bad. Love to you ... Having this area to vent has been good for me ... it really has.

I am so stressed out right now. Bob just cut it off with me 8 days ago and it has not set in that it is over!!!! We reconnected on Facebook and met once for three nights and three days. After we saw each other about one month ago, we were talking about making a life together. Eight days ago his wife found out about me and he cut all contact immediately! I have contacted him four times through texts and then phone. I spoke with him two days ago and asked for closure so I could move on. He didn't give it to me so i continued to feel stuck. Today was the final blow. I didn't think he could hurt me anymore but he did. He deleted or inactivated his Facebook account. I'm pretty sure his wife asked him to do it. But, I keep holding on that he will come back to me and he keeps getting farther away. He said he wanted to fix his marriage, but with everything we have been through it so hard for me to understand how he wants that!!! All I think about is him!!! I want him back more than anything in my life i have ever wanted!!!! I have NEVER hurt like this in my life!!!!!!

2 More Responses

Oh my gosh...I'm in a similar situation and don't know how to get out of this! I have strong feelings for him but I love my fiance and we are getting married in 3 months...feeling like a horrible fiance :(....I come back and read this article almost everyday for motivation so thank you for writing this! Any further advice would be soooo welcomed :)

Lost1982: I hope you figure it out and make the RIGHT decision! Please stay strong. When I let MM go I definitely still loved him... For a while...But I knew it was the right decision deep down in my gut! Remind yourself how devastated you would be if your fiancé found out...That propelled me forward even more! You can do it!

My gosh...I feel like I'm lost!! I know what the right thing to do is but its hard to make that decision!! Thanks so much for repsonding...I can't tell u how much I appreciate it :) All your advice is greatly appreciated!

I have the same experience until now. He promised the same thing that he will leave his wife because he doesn't love her anymore, but the problem is the custody of his two kids. So there was no divorce happened, he told that I have to wait for 5 years or more so his kids decide whether they still want him or not. It would have been okay if his wife agrees to let him see the kids, but the wife disagrees to let him leave her. Now, I don't know what to do. I love you him too much that it hurts.

I'm in an akward position. I am 19 and I just recently started having an affair with a married man. I'm cheating on my boyfriend who is lazy and frankly a child. It starts over text and then over a few weeks became more. We haven't slept together yet. I don't know that I'm ready to go that far. I know him and his wife personally and she never shows him any affection or acts like a wife at all. She just doesn't care about him. He says he is about to get a divorce and I believe him I'm just unsure at this point. He says he wants a woman who will love him and be a wife and give him children and she does none of the above. What should I do it's driving me crazy!!

Don't have affairs with married men. If they're married and haven't already left their wives to be with you , that means that they don't want you. There is no getting around that. There's no competing with a man's wife for his affection. Also, if he cheated on his wife, he will cheat on you. Lastly, just be single. We're living in the last days, so things like relationships are irrelevant, anyway.

Don't have affairs with married men. If they're married and haven't already left their wives to be with you , that means that they don't want you. There is no getting around that. There's no competing with a man's wife for his affection. Also, if he cheated on his wife, he will cheat on you. Lastly, just be single. We're living in the last days, so things like relationships are irrelevant, anyway.

I am facing a similar dilemma - except, I am single. I am a body, within somebodies, and it is hard to cope. I am in a double-situation like that... except, the other one is a bit NSA. Anyway, your post stirred up in me, a few unresolved feelings, but at the end of the day, I am of one-mind. I don't want to be involved in a relationship, nor do I want a relationship of my own. The trouble comes when I am constantly being reminded of past nothings. I can't, for the life of me, see how anyone can justify loving someone when there's never been any recognizable, considerable effort on anyone's part; to be with me until I was "hooked". Unfortunately, I am not innocent either, I've done my fair share of enticement.

I now understand that relationships aren't for this world - and that's what I struggle with the most. I mean, how does one deal with impending death, not knowing, exactly, what awaits in the hereafter, when they haven't lived. When they've never really experienced love. No, I don't want anyone's pity, and no I don't want attention, but if ever there was any question on anyone's part about how I feel now, then there's the answer.

In the past, I was content to just "try out" relationships until I found the right person, but I would rather risk not being in a relationship, than be part of a relationship - actually, I was never one to be in a relationship to just be in a relationship, but in the end, I faltered. I risked being in a relationship with someone I wasn't sure of, and ended up paying for it, because I thought I had time. But now I would much rather be single, seeing as we're living in the last days. Also, I was fooled into thinking he (the guy I really loved) would actually leave his wife to be with me. Actually, I didn't really believe that he was married, I thought he was just looking for excuses not to be with me, and being the fool that I am, I still pursued him, anyway. That was my mistake. You know, had I known this before, I would never have even liked him, but in the end, I was enticed by his enigma and looks.

So here I am, sitting at my computer, typing this for the people that matter to see, and completely miserable, because I have made my decision. It is one that I battle with everyday, but my mind is made up. I don't want to be in a relationship. I am content to just live, until I die. What a fool I am! I mean, almost everything I had done, from the moment I met him, to the moment I realized that I had been played was to woo him. I should have listened to my brother who said that I shouldn't pursue men.

The title intrigued me, so I read your story. I have been the "wife". I won't dissect your letter which I find highly hypocritical. I could just destroy it point by point. My only comment would be in regard to your sentence "even though John is the one who ruined his marriage, not me. " Sorry. Own it too. If a woman becomes a married man's lover by deception (where the man doesn't divulge that he is married or claims he is "separated"), there is room for forgiveness. but if you know a man is married and is a father, you participate to ruining his relationship and family. Not to say that it wouldn't have fallen apart with another mistress, but knowing he was married you TOO brought great misery to a married couple's life and that of their children. You hurt another woman very deeply. In fact I have zero empathy for your pain as it is nothing compared to the suffering you have created in someone else's heart. If your therapist hasn't helped you to visualize yourself in another woman's shoes (who had qualities the way your boyfriend had after all and but both of you were too selfish to even notice) and tell yourself:" here is a married man, I'm not going there, final", then find yourself another shrink.

Gilgnot: I wrote my open letter on this blog to explain why what I did was the biggest mistake of my life, and to hopefully help others in my situation, not to be criticized. If you are going through any pain, I do truly hope that it passes.

If you read my response carefully, I DO claim responsibility for what happened, ---if I didn't, why would I tell everyone on this blog about it?! Being involved with a married man was demeaning, stressful, unhealthy and outright wrong. I DO claim responsibility in the affair; however, I am not responsible for ALL of it. Oftentimes, women in my situation are blamed ENTIRELY for the affair. We are often labeled "home-wreckers" etc. The "other women" often receive the brunt of the criticism, and the wives often forgive their husbands, displacing hatred solely on "the other woman." Meanwhile, I was NOT the one married!! I didn't break any marriage vows!! A married man pursued me, a married man manipulated me, a married man lied to me (and his wife and children), and still does to this day. The married man lied and manipulated his wife, kids...I was NOT in THAT relationship. If it wasn't me, it would have been another sad young girl.

Please understand that once I "saw the light," I cut off contact completely, changed my job at work (so he couldn't contact me so much), changed my phone number, and pretty much told him I didn't want any sort of relations with him. I went to therapy (and still go to therapy!!), and have been a MUCH happier and healthier person ever since I exited that "dark" stage of my life.

To close... I'll use your words, not mine: Try to "visualize yourself in another woman's shoes." Maybe try to visualize yourself in MY shoes?!? Am I a victim? Absolutely not. I partook, I lied, I was wrong. However, I was also manipulated and controlled by a complete sociopath, who still pursues me (and others I'm sure) while in his "unhappy marriage" to this day....only this time, I'm strong and wise enough to how to handle it.

Also - I don't need your empathy anyway. I'm confident and happy in the changes I've made and I gained plenty of strength from helping other women leave unhealthy relationships to lead healthier lives. (I've actually spoken to and helped quite a few women who are being cheated on by their husbands--go figure!)

Anyway, thanks for listening Gilgnot, I hope you find happiness if you haven't found it already!

I am a wife and trust me marriage is difficult, and when life gets tough men can be cowards they run to others to numb the pain- instead of facing reality. You must have been a rebound,a fantasy,maybe he loved you bec. with you life is easy,no real life problems,no obligations, he can have his high with you, without the obligations. but given that he never left his wife says a lot. If he said he cant leave her out of pity is just a big LIE,obviously he wont tell you the truth about his personal life, in fact he will make stories to destroy his wife and gain your sympathy. He knows your both living a lie,the fact that he knows you have a bf on the side while your with him makes him put you in a diff. Category as his wife. You both have lied and are not loyal and that will always weigh on him. Plus i'm sure he recognizes that his wife and children are his real home, he wont take a risk of loosing his real family,these are people he sees in his future.
Think about it, If its really you, nothing and no one really matters.
I believe you have made the best decision. You will never fully trust him if you guys ended up together, note he fell in love with his wife and married her yet he cheated; he would do much more with you once reality sinks in. Also, do consider the wife's feelings after all you are a woman too. What if this happens to you?
Girl, let him go, a relationship built on lies is not the foundation you want. Build your self worth, don't dwell on those feelings its just not worth it, you deserve someone better someone you can truly call yours.

Exgames: I have moved on and never looked back! 2.5 years and counting. Hardly recognize who I was back then. Happily married now :)

The old MM still wants a friendship, but I can't even tolerate that.. Too disgusted by him and that dark phase of my life. I'm sure he's still unhappily married but that's not my concern.

Thanks for the reply! Hear you loud and clear!!!

Thank you for writing this. I'm sure I'm going to get a lot of how bad of a person I am but here goes nothing. I was 15,he was 18 when we met and went out. We broke up but for 23 years we've has this on & off again relationship. He was my first love and our paths kept crossing but this time its been 6 years straight and I need to say goodbye for good. 2 years ago I walked away for over a year and thought this is it screw him this is wrong I can't keep doing this to myself n all the people we both love but all it took was a weak moment for him to message me and say call me I need to talk to you and I did and back at it again for a few more years. Your article has made me realize even note that I his needs to end and I'm going to do it right now. Thank you.

Good for you shadowx76! You will not regret it. I'm 2.5 years and going strong!!!

My boyfriend is still married and going through a divorce now. When I met him he had just moved out of there house they owned together. We slept together the first night we met and immedietly grew strong feelings for eachother. A month after knowing him I moved in with him into the house he was renting. He had a three year old daughter with his wife which is how she found out about me. She then wanted him back constantly calling and texting him doing anything she could to fight for him. She talked massive crao on him to me and tried to get me to leave. They split up because he cheated in the past and after his deployments he turned into a drunk. She then went and had an affair and that led to them splitting up. But now I live with him and as they are going through this divorce he has had thoughts about going back to her for their daughter. I even found out that he had kissed her a couple weeks ago to see if he still had feelings for her. Which he told me he didn't and now he is fully committed to me and that he just got confused while going through this divorce. Let me just say they have been married for 10 years. I am not wondering if I can trust him or if this is all just a game to him? I need advice....

Kayhat36; I don't know you personally, but as an objective opinion, it sounds like you are in a very unhealthy relationship. I personally would wait until the divorce is over to continue any sort of relationship with him. Do you really think you can even trust him?? I totally get that you love him, but it sounds like you walked into a complete mess!! (his divorce, wife etc.) I would back off until the storm settles---I'm sure you will have a clearer picture them of what to do.

John is a jerk. (ThT is the G rated version)I am so proud of you for making the (very difficult) choice to walk away!I don't know if you realize this or not, don't mean to sound insulting if you do, but when it comes to Johns wife - you can rest assured that everything John told you was somewhere around 80-99% fabricated sprinkled with self pitty and manipulation.Something to remember should you ever need to comfort a friend who has found herself in love as "the other woman" or god forbid YOU ever have to deal with a husband who has temporarily lost their mind and forgotten you are the best thing that has ever happen to them!!Best of luck to you!!

BeenThereDoneThatt: I totally agree with you! You are SO right - so many things he said to his wife were probably fabricated. I was so young and naive. I WILL remember that advice down the road. Thank you!!

I am a 21 yr old and he just recently turned 35. Ive never loved any one the way I love him. He told me he wasn't happy in his marriage and that he was settling with the life that he had. Before me and him even thought about eachother or even letting each other know our feelings he was trying to have kids with his wife. Than one day I resided to tell him how I felt. At first he was scared to even consider being in a relationship with me. I showed up at his house one day when his wife was out of town and thats how it all started. He stoped being with his wife etc....he would tell me how he slept on the sofa every night even before we started talking and how things with his wife we bad for awhile. 4 months into our relationship he tells me that his wife was pregnant with twins (no lie). I thought a piece of my soul had died that day. I couldnt breathe or even look at him. He explained to me that his wife had a miscarriage months before and didnt tell him that she was pregnant bc she thought she was going to have another miscarriage. Weeks and months passed and I still felt horrible about every thing going on. I was preparing myself for the worse. On march 24th the girls were born and I thought I had lost my mind. I cried for hours and days. For awhile I could not recognize myself but i still stood by him. Its now going on 9 months and till this day we have never had a date. He still lives in the same house as her. He still tells me the same thing. ...that hes trying to get his **** together so when it does happen hes prepared. Nothing has really changed except that his kids are born. How can I love him so much. He comes over 3 times a week for an hr or two to hang out or sleep together. He always talks about a future together. He makes me feel so wonderful but at the same time terrible. Im lonely at night. I use to come over and sleep over when his wife was out of town but I cant any more bc of the kids. How do I let go. I have no friends. I lost the guy I loved bc I chose to persue a married man and now theres no turning back. How long do I have to wait...to suffer ...to be unhappy....to cry...

Krystle92

All I can say to you is: I HAVE BEEN THERE!!!!! Are there cases where men leave their lives!? Yes. However, I don't think things look good for you, especially since he just had two little girls. The highs and lows you discuss are EXACTLY how I felt...but you are worth so much more than that! You deserve to be HAPPY----not manipulated (and can I say used?!) by a man. I'm sure he loves you, but the reality remains: he is still married and sleeps with his wife.

On a positive note: I can't tell you how many NEW friends I made once I cut off ties with my MM. I was so closed off, rigid, unhappy--truly lost when with him. Parting ways with him opened doors for me I never thought possible.

As someone who has truly been in your shoes, I think you need to completely break ties. You will be MISERABLE for a while...months, maybe longer . I say this because it's a normal reaction, don't feel like you are crazy or out of control if you are that upset. Crank up the motivational music, cry, see a therapist, and celebrate a new beginning of your life!

It does GET BETTER! I promise. Therapy, new friends, and getting myself out there truly helped. And a good therapist!!!

Maybe he's the type of guy that needs to lose you in order to move forward?!?! My MM was truly living in an idealized fantasy world about what his life would be like with me...sounds very similar to your MM....

Stand up. Be strong...and move on sister! If he loves you, I can guarantee there are MANY MORE that will!

I want to thank Dr okun for the
love spell he did for me that
brought my ex boyfriend back to
me within 2days. My lover broke
up with me 7months ago I tried
everything I could to have him
back but nothing works till I read
online how Dr okun has helped
others to reunite their broken
relationship so I decided to
contact him to help me out. After
Dr okun cast the spell my ex
boyfriend came back to me
within a shot period of 48hours,
ever since he came back he now
treat me with so much love and
respect What I have tried so
much for, was just fix within
48hours. In case you have been
with a broken heart and you
want your ex back just contact
the same man Via his email
okunspelltemple@gmail.com
contact him to help you reunite
your broken relationship

Well am in this situation he comes back to me he divorcing her marrying me than goes back to her than same over a period of time this time he claims he has divorced her and has nothing to do with her uh huh he expects me believe that I asked him to do
Simple thing to prove he not with her and his other exs he refused so there I sent him my heartfelt nasty texts to him told him all done and now hoping to move on. I caught him lying again oh all the promises all the oaths he took nothing all zero so I finished it once for awhile he claims I the only one for him yet he is very discreet and always giving excuse he going here and there during his break when I remember vividly this is same way how he met me too during his break gave up on him cause it was Causing me suffering and he hey he has his other women if not me than another playboy he is who needs him as life partner yes god opens doors if I close the other and hoping and having faith I will find the guy I can find peace and love with amen

I need help, I'll make my story short. I'm 25 and he's 32
I met this MM at the lowest point of his life, he had nothing, he was a bankrupt, his wife despise him, and he felt unloved.
It so happen that I was there and we both clicked, we tried our best to fulfil the needs of each other. He looks after me as if he was my mother, my father and he treats me like a princess. One day he himself informed his wife about our relationship, I was shocked I didn't even want his wife to know. He even filed a divorce to his wife already. Now a month after the wife knew about us, she moved out from their house, leaving their daughter with him. We had a great time after that, we have all the time we want. and we always spend time together.

Now, after a few months the wife decided to fight for him. Her first attempt was not successful. yet after a few weeks she tried again. She was asking him to stop the divorce since she will be getting a new property and while the divorce is on process, she would be having a hard time getting the property. Now my MM is having problem looking after his daughter since he is now starting to grow his business back. One time we had a fought he decided to call his wife and asked her to come back home to look after their daughter. Now she is back at home and I was caught unprepared for this situation. He said he no longer love his wife and asked me to just go with the flow and he will handle things.

I am so sad the past days knowing that his wife is back at home. I don't know what to do. He would just assure me that this will end soon, that he really wants to be with me. he even always introduce me to his friends and new acquaintances as his wife.
Now I don't know where should I stand, should I let him go and walk away as early as now or should I wait and see what's going to happen next.
Thanks.

I'm going through this at the moment so this was a good read, but all situations are different.

What I don't understand is why you are still with your current boyfriend?. If he was right for you the affair wouldn't have happened, the fact you're still building your relationship back up proves you just aren't right for each other.

I just feel reading this you don't want to be alone so desperately trying to re-build your relationship with someone you don't respect enough to stay faithful too, especially as you'd been together so long, living with each other, and things obviously weren't right.

I'm certainly not having a go, but why don't you find a guy that makes your heart and mind race like your lovers did, and leave your boyfriend to find a girl that truly loves him and will stay faithful, a girl he maybe happier with?.

I'm saying this from first hand experience, I left my boyfriend whom I lived with in the end, you have got to look at the root cause and much of my affair was the result of a relationship at home not as fulfilling and happy as it should be, I tried to make it work time and again, lots of money, pain and stress, but it didn't work. My lover says he will leave his wife, but if he doesn't I'm not running back to my ex, despite the fact we were 95% right for each other, it wasn't enough, and there must be someone new out there that is more compatible.

I think you probably need to move on from your lover (no, after 4 years he isn't going anywhere, it's called having you cake!) and also your boyfriend, start afresh, something new, open new doors and close old ones, both relationships aren't right and to find one that is you need to let go.

Saying that, thanks for this read, I'm about 6 months into the promises to leave, I did the 'right' thing and ended it with my bf, as true love doesn't mean 3 people are in the relationship and he deserves to find someone new. My lover has a kids, business and financial stuff to sort out and build up but I've said no more than a year, as as you've mentioned, too much jealousy, hurt, loneliness at points and it really is an emotional rollercoaster.

Never worry about being seen as the woman that has wrecked a family, people don't know what goes on behind closed doors. My lover lives with someone that is insecure and quite nasty and has put him through hell in the past, he was deeply unhappy and with someone with such confidence and intelligence, his partner just kicked him down. My ex bf was the same, low self esteem put onto me,
and we found we had something in common. Whether we had met or not, both wouldn't be staying with the current partners anyway, it just happens that we met. We will try and make it as easy for all as possible, he kids come first and I will do my best, I'm no home wrecker and feel I can provide a stable and loving home for his kids and also his family. That will be better than his youngest growing up, watching her parents argue, her Dad be unhappy and hearing the nasty words coming out her Mums mouth - in the long run that will be more damaging than a split and step parents being wonderful additions.

I want to thank Dr okun for the
love spell he did for me that
brought my ex boyfriend back to
me within 2days. My lover broke
up with me 7months ago I tried
everything I could to have him
back but nothing works till I read
online how Dr okun has helped
others to reunite their broken
relationship so I decided to
contact him to help me out. After
Dr okun cast the spell my ex
boyfriend came back to me
within a shot period of 48hours,
ever since he came back he now
treat me with so much love and
respect What I have tried so
much for, was just fix within
48hours. In case you have been
with a broken heart and you
want your ex back just contact
the same man Via his email
okunspelltemple@gmail.com
contact him to help you reunite
your broken relationship

I am in the same situation. He says he is there "for the kids". How long do i put up with it. I love this man like i have never loved before. I think i have never really loved anyone. He is everything i have dreamed of and hoped for. Love like this people search all their lives and never find it. I had the chance to do so. I don't want to let it go but it is hurting at the same time as feeling good.

I was with my MM for 5 ½ yrs. That has been his excuse the whole time. He needs to stay for the kids. I assume until they are 18 ? I finally gave up. I moved on. Most likely he will not leave at all. You should find the strength to move on. Quit putting your life on hold for him.

Thankyou :) I was involved in a similar situation for the past 6 months and finally had the strength to break it off last week. Just as a thought i was regretting my decision and believing that i could ''do it'' i stumbled across your story! so thank you

Beautiful!!!! Thank you...These are the exact feelings ive been meditating on. Understading I am unhappy with him and without him. Now I miss him so much but it's no diffrent cuz I did before. So your right if we are meant to be it will happen but that is up to him now.

Wow,I just got more insight on my own situation. The honesty is great. Im 37 been in a bad marriage for 10 yrs.My hearts been breaking and not willing to let go of him at the same time. We are both married so I know I'm willing to risk everything for him. I've got 2 small children he has 2 teenagers. His wife has been unfaithful multiple times. He seemed so sure and she of course starting doing the right thing and wanted to try. He felt awful and I feel crushed. I understand him trying because I'm in the same situation. We were highschool sweethearts and have known we were connected always. Its killing me to think about walking away. I've only physically seen him once and I keep thing if I see him one more time maybe I'll know. Sad I know. I saw him about a month ago after waiting to make sure what I felt was pure and not feelings from the past. So since this started its been almost 7-8 months and my cut off is a year. Its starting to hurt missing him but it feels amazing too because the love I feel is more pure than anything I've ever felt. I'm so afraid of regretting walking away but its hurting not knowing if I'll ever be first? I won't pressure if he feels the same he won't be able to stay away,so well see.

Hi

I was involved with a married man for a few months. I never thought I'd stoop so low. But I did. It took a little while til he was able to break down my walls. He did so much for me at work. He said sweet things to me. Did whatever i needed help with. I thought we became good friends. we would have talks. He even told me he fell in love with me. He was very persistent and aggressive, and i eventually started to fall for him. he made me feel special. one day he started to gently grab my hands, rub into me while he passed by. i pulled away but he still tried to caress me hands. Then out of nowhere when we were alone he kissed me but i pulled away. from there things got intense between us. even if i told him no he'd still touch me in areas. ofcourse i liked it because i cared about him but icouldnt see myself seeing a married man. it went against everthing i believed in. Rather than doing what i knew to to be right. I followed my heart. (Which lead me into a deep ditch) My mind said no but my body and my heart said go for it. i thought i loved him so I started allowing him to kiss me and so much more. Then the first night we slept together his wife pops up when we're finished and I freaked the hell out. even before i knew she was there. I knew something was off. (besides the fact that he was married.) Everything inside of me was telling me to go home. But my flesh faught against it. So as i was saying the wife was there. And she ended up talking to me. and telling me everything was fine and that We could be cool and she said we should hang out.Now tgat was just the oddest situation ive ever been in. It went from sleeping withher husband to her wanting to be my friend. I thought they were swingers but they've never done that before. I thought i was crazy but that S*** was crazy. So we were okay for awhile. but i couldnt be friends with the wife of the man i was so disgustingly in love with. it was just weird. (now the wife and i arent speaking anymore but.she knows something is goin on)Now this guy wants to have a kid with me. idk this whole situation is so twisted. Im starting to wonder if he does this all the time. what really makes me so angry is the fact that i always fall for his lies. Hes such a good liar. And sometimes when i know hes lying, i still almost believe him. He has such a strong hold over me and I hate it. I want to go back to normal but its so difficult. this situation i got myself into ruinned my life, my thoughts. Its hard to be that innocent girl i used to be when all i think about is him. i want my life back.

Stop stop there right now get away from him he is a liar and player and his wife is ok hey I was in that situation too she became manipulative dominating and in the end you will be dumped and he will go back to her hey why not She allows him to sleep around which man will dump that *****. Get yourself out of it all dear no babies from him he doing this to tie you down than it will be more him and her and other woman while your pregnant body begins to take shape get out now you still so young don't you want walk down the aisle and see a man who truly sincerely loves and respects you and is hundred percent single and hundred percent your husband only ? I know I still dream of it and it will happen I will find that man get out now before you get caught in their web of dirty games

You want your life back is exactly how I felt I want my life back I want that happy me back. I questioned myself if he is the right man for me how come I so stressed and unhappy how come my gut feelings telling me this is not right he using you playing you show him you have self worth and respect yourself and finally I ended it with him few days back I feel devastated but what keeps me going is my goal and my aim to get my life back and no one can destroy that my life is in my hands no man can take control of it and destroy it

UPDATE: Just short of two years after writing my story, I have successfully moved on!!! I recently married my boyfriend of almost 14 years, who has been with me through the good times and the bad. Honestly, strength, therapy, love, and time have healed all wounds.

For those women who feel hopeless, you CAN move on - I am living proof!!!!

Yes you have moved ok but two years oh desr sounds so long for treacherous pain I know I did the right thing I hate it when these married men makes us want to believe we the one who wronged or their wives say the same I found out he was sleeping with his best friend when married to her she knew it yet stayed in marriage and get this befriended his best friend but when same happened to me hell broke loose I the criminal wow god this man suck all the blood and strength out of me and thought he could do it again by showing up asking to rekindle but on his terms hell no he can claim he is divorced but with his history don't want anything do with this anymore I just wish I had stood firm and not give him more chances. Stupid word love sure is blind ignore all red flags and negative signs

do what your heart says

Help! I am the other woman and am trying to walk away. This one has the unique twise of being the fellow that broke up with me first when we were 18. And thern again at 19. And then again at 22.

I am now 44 and he came back into my live 6 months ago. And made all sorts of promises. Got mad at me when I didn't trust he wasn't there to break up with me again. He promised to leave his wife in April. Then all of the sudden, claims he can't. That he needs to stay another 2 years until his stepson finishes school. He said the I love yous first. He talked about us "belonging together" first. Not me.

I always felt that we were good together. Even 25 years ago. I speant the first 5 months refusing to believe it would happen despite his incredibly hard work convincing me it would. He even insisted we have "non sex" dates to get to know each other again. And PROVE it wasn't just about sex.

Now my marriage is in shambles and he happily ensconced with his second wife of 5 years. And I just can't seem to be happy again with my husband. But I was before he came back into my life.

I have 2 children with my husband. We have been married 20 years. And he made me believe in him again. I finally started to believe him in December when he talked about going to my kids Xmas concerts next year. I finally believed him. Only to have him change his mind again a month later.

I walked away when he launched this two year thing on me. But I feel a slide back coming. Please tell me how stupid that would be?

Thanks for listening. And appreciate any support. I know I was a fool. And deserve all the misery I got. But I just want to prevent a little more if I can.

i do not know your man, and it seems like i don't even know mine - i had a very difficult situation yesterday, and saw someone who was anything but a loving, caring and wise man i fell in love with 5 years ago.
But i would have given awful lot right now to have a husband and 2 children together, and to be able to work things out with him. There's counseling, there are different stages in life, there are ways to be content and happy without being in honeymoon all the time. But why ruin something stable you have for someone who cannot keep a simple promise, who is not reliable and is not committed. He might be the man of your life, but you might also end up growing old alone, as he'll still be with another woman. Is it worth it?

and no, no-one deserves this misery. God has a better plan for you, try to see it!

Thank you for yout reply. Especially your last comment. You are right. No one deserves this misery. I was not behaving particularly well but I was trying to do the right things. And it has blown up all over me. He was doing the same things and stringing me along the whole time. Totally not reasonable. Thank you.

Yes allie I felt the same too his behaviour was repetitious and full of lies got fed up of him could not tell when he spoke the truth i e if he ever and when he was lying trash don't belong at home they belong in dumpster so I dumped my trash in dumpster

Allie. You will heal only when you realize the pattern this man has set in your life. I'm sure he's got some kind of feelings for you, if it's passion, or some joy in dominating you - who the F cares... The fact is - he's PLAYING with you. It takes a while, but you will get past it and be happy again with your H. Tell H to be patient with you, find any excuse , psycho, menopausal or other and work on yourself to become whole again, while letting H in your heart again. Some people can be nice and sexy but O so destructive to other people's lives... Don't go into self loathing, just because this guy has a screw loose lol. Get angry and insist on being happy again. The only currency in getting past the affair is TIME (and some therapy if you can afford it... otherwise EP will do) Contact me if you need xoxoxo

Thanks, Marmelade. I appreciate your response. I have read and re-read it several times. I don't think he is a bad guy...but he is a bad guy with me for some reason. I really do need to accept that. And for the record, he isn't that sexy at all! Since our 20s he has gained a lot of weight and frankly looks a bit like a freak show! But in the end, I still for him again. Reminding myself that this appears to be some kind of game is helping though. Thank you!

There was a time I was hating myslef so
Much how coukd I have allowed
Him go hurt me by playing his games how could I have sllowed myself be emotionally and physically involved with him knowing his character but this word love was strong on me not to give up he will come around and I seriously thought he did but once again his lies I would catch him made me erupt like a volcanos and spit all the lava on him oh he so hurt he says tsst tsst poor baby but he deserved it how can he think he can beg for me yet play same games with me again and again his game for too boring for me I never saw the to go sign and collect my joy and I had to be firm this time sent him nasty texts to which he has not responded he states it is who I am I am built this way I replied you made me this way yes it will hurt oh I want so bad go in shower and cry my eyeballs full but when I go down memory lane and revisit the moments with him it was all about sex his conversation was about sex when we meet he would imply having thrilling time in bed than after we done and he goes home than he hardly contact me has hundred excuses he busy but when night before day Arrives he is all about calling me oh telling me how much he loves me oh dear I noted he was getting a lot of satisfaction and I was going deep into depression and than realised why cry for man who was just a demanding lover I want a companion a life partner who I can share lots with him he would say why you ask so many questions and think so serious about our relationship just have fun !!! Playboy I just hope one day he meets that woman when she finds out he olaying games and she. Not only his bed warmer will send him to his grave or drag his *** to court these type of men aught to have bad endings

Very stupid but don't be hard on yourself it helps when I write away helping others for I am going through it gosh can't believe the extent a man will go to get all his fun and we women can be so weak and fall for such crap because they tell us what we want to hear so get over him and move on he. It worth it trust me today he can show so much interest tomorrow he will be in someone else arms

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