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What It's Like Being The Other Woman

So many of you have no idea how many of your stories I’ve read and wanted so desperately to reply. Ultimately, I wouldn’t be able to keep up. There is not ONE story I’ve yet to read which is not already written about in my book. I’ve started replying and then I stop because, after all, that is what I spent two years writing already. It’s all there and it’s too much to get out on a forum.

I’ve clicked on many of your profiles with the intent of offering you a copy of my book. But the last thing I want to do is appear to only have the intention of promoting and so I stop. I genuinely care because I've been there. To the core of my soul - I've been there.

I’ll try to summarize here, instead.

My heart breaks for each and every one of you because regardless as to how different you think your stories are, the bones are all the same.

I hurt for you because I remember the pain and even when some of you write “he’s leaving” or “he’s left” – I know your outcome. Not just because of my own story, but the hundreds of women I’ve interviewed, along with sites such as this. Each and every one of us believes our situation is “different.” The difference however, is only in the particulars.

These are the stages:
1) A harmless flirtation. Connecting. Giddy excitement to connect.
2) The moment “it” happens. Personal logic and emotion have an inner argument.
3) The convincing stage. Beautiful words. Promises. Hopeless romance. Falling in love.
4) Exposure. Inner/outer conflict (him, you, his wife, the public or all four). Tumultuous stage.
5) The games. Competition with the spouse (emotional or actual). Relationship dysfunction.
6) The decision stage. The separation. Most often back and forthing. Constant new hope and disappointment.
7) The brutal end (The affair. The marriage or both).
8) Tragic personal aftermath
9) Tragic social aftermath
10) And then those awful statistics which turn out to be very accurate.

Not one story I have read deviates. It’s like I’m looking into your crystal ball. I know. I also know that you are so hopelessly loving beyond hope and hoping you will prove everyone wrong, this will work. You are also scared s******* that it wont. I know.

I'm not saying leave him. I'm not saying stay. Each of you know your own situation (or believe you do). I'm simply telling you not to put up with excuses for too long..... or you will for far longer than you bargained. Or, eventually if he does leave you'll be too bitter for it to work anyway. In the heart and soul of a woman, lies a WOMAN. Wife or Mistress. A woman will always receive the height of what she demands/expects. As long as you tolerate/accept less than you deserve and don't trust that you deserve a whole man, you'll never have more than half.
Micalle Micalle 36-40, F 47 Responses Apr 22, 2012

Your Response


Ok, this hasn't been responded to in awhile, but I wanted to comment. When I had my affair a few years ago, we set our boundaries from day one. We understood what we each wanted from the affair. We agreed it could end at any time without an explanation, and we wouldn't contact the other. We agreed to keep our personal lives (aka real lives) out of it, although when we got more comfortable with each other and trust was secure, we did talk about those things a little bit. We agreed to be exclusive with each other.
He ended it by telling me he was falling for me. I was not leaving my husband nor deserting my kids, so I was ok with it. I was able to keep feelings out of it. I mean, I was fond of him, but I wouldn't want to have been with him in real life (he didn't have a job or a car!).
I got out of it what I needed: affirmation that I was still desirable, that I could still inspire someone to fall in love with me, that I was an interesting person as well as a very sexy lady. I smile when I think about it and I know that I also was a confidence-booster for him.
However, I don't want to work on my marriage. We are close to be empty-nesters, and I when I move out, I will live alone. I will have my own space. I will learn to love myself again, and cultivate a life I am happy living. It's also not fair that my h should be with someone who he might not be happy with. There is someone out there who will make him smile. I just don't think it's me. I'm sure I will mourn the loss of my marriage, although I have been doing so for a long while. And even though my kids are older, I'm still afraid they won't understand. That, to me, makes me more sad than leaving him.
So I don't think I necessarily have gone through, or will go through, all of those steps.

Couldn't agree more!! Thx for sharing:)

Just beautiful - I just read this ....... so true.

Where can I get your book?

Thanks for this. I wish I would have read this 3 years ago! You said a mouthful!

Well said. Truth sets people free.

well put.

You are so right. The stages to a flirtation are so addictive, it is hard to jump off the train, no matter how destructive.

If you sign up for someone's scraps - or sharing a man with another women etc -- then deal with it and stop crying about the consequences

I am battling back and forth with a situation I'm in. He's not married but he's with somebody else. In the beginning I felt so differently than I do now. I hurt that I continue to be second to him and unlike the other women, he's made no inclinations of leaving this woman. During the beginning I thought the relationship wouldn'tlast but now I am suckered into it even further. I am beyond crying now and trying to think of exactly how I will end it

I got sick of being his option. now that I have blocked him he has started to drop by everyday and knows how it makes me feel. I don't tell him mean things, I just try to get him to see how this affects me and my life. He doesn't say that he will leave his wife, but I do know that he can't break free from me either for some reason. He loves both of us and it sucks. I find that the more unavailable I am the more he hurts and asks me to unblock him on my phone. I won't until he either leaves me alone or makes a decision. Its hard I know but try to be strong and make him miss you. Don't be so available whenever he has free time. live your own life and learn to love you again.

I promise u - guys like this are all replaceable - dump him and go meet new guys - someone will be a better fit than him.

Thank You for being empathetic and a damn good writer! Your words hit home and we all just hope that "this time" will be different. We all want that fairytale and for some reason believe that we are the one that he will leave his wife for, when knowing in our hearts what it is truly about. We know, we just have/had hope. I just wonder why the wives stay and I wonder why we would believe that he wouldn't do the same thing to us? Thank You again and I do love your story and I bet your book will be a hit! I know a lot of us women here would love to know the name of it and when it will be out. You support us and we will support you! Have a Great turkey Day!

Why do wives stay? Good question... lots of reasons.
I stay because I can't afford to support myself on my own yet. My married lover stays because he is waiting for his child to finish school. (supposedly). I know that I can't leave until I can support myself on my own. I can't depend on him because statistically speaking, only about 5% of men actually leave their wives for their lovers.... So I have to be smart.
Deep down, I really hope that when I leave, he will too.... but the reality of it is he probably won't.
So, to answer your question, why do wives stay? The same reason we stay with our married lovers... because we all believe that they love US more and will ultimately do the right thing...

A woman will always receive the height of what she demands/expects. As long as you tolerate/accept less than you deserve and don't trust that you deserve a whole man, you'll never have more than half. I LOVE THIS!!! exactly what I know I need to accept and move forward. Thank you...

How about being 'the other man'?

I have had an affair for about 6 months (first kiss-last break-up) with my soul-mate. I am pretty sure I'll never have such an emotional connection as the one we had. Parting indefinitely beginning of February, we met again at a party in June. The moment we met, people around us could feel the energy we transmitted! We've had a great evening, where there seem to be no one but us in this world. We ended up laying in the grass, kissing and cherishing each other. And talking of course. But that evening was so intense, I'm afraid I'll never live it ever again. 2 months later we met again (for the first time ever I went to her home) and I believe that was our final arranged encounter. I told her she would have to choose soon. Not for her, but for me, cause I believe I am ready to be fully devoted to one woman again.

Probably it got something to do with my father leaving my mother for a younger woman. Subconsciously I feel I have the urge to direct my love to one who is someone other's lover. My former relationships all started like this. My first 'love' (didn't know what love was at the time) cheated on her boyfriend with me and broke up with him afterwards. My true love, broke up with her boyfriend because of me, and we lasted 4.5 years. Until she decided to move back to her country because of professional reasons, and I didn't follow her because I was afraid I'd have no future in a country I didn't really speak the language of. (Poland)
My last girlfriend (before the affair) was on the verge of breaking up with her boyfriend when she met me and I put her over the verge.

There have been other occasions where a girl broke up with her boyfriend after having met me, but I'm convinced those relations were bound to fail anyways.

I now try to stay away from married or unavailable women, but every time I meet someone i like, I honestly can't say I care whether she is available or not. When I find out she isn't, I just think to myself: 'of course she isn't, I did not expect otherwise'

Am I only truly interested in unavailable women?

WOW .. I love the way you spelled that out. I loved reading it. If you wrote your book the way you wrote this post, it should be a fun easy read.

On the point of topic, I would like to ask this ? Not being a woman and using my male logic for what it is .....

Why would a woman fall IN-LOVE with a man that has not made a mature decision to get out a relationship he no longer wants, before starting another relationship of any level or status?

I would think to myself .... I like him ... but ... let me hold back and see if his character is strong or not. If he is a man of character and integrity, he will end the relationship with some bit of evidence or proof, or he wont. If he doesn't, stay distant but fun ... if he does ... then it's your call?

Does this thought work in the female mind? Yes ... no ? ... if not ... why ?

Thanks for your post all the same :)

I can only speak for myself, but my head told me these exact wait, to not become emotionally involved. I wish it was that easy but my heart does not listen......I really, really wish it did though.

Thank you for your reply. Life can be a puzzle sometimes ... why didn\'t I ... why did I ... LOL ... who hasn\'t been there.

Peace to you my friend :)

Hello DarkBlackSpin :) Thank You! That is precisely what we usually ALL think and caution ourselves with. But when you are enjoying someones company THAT much, generally the heart goes where the heart goes and the mind goes on to astral projection watching from a far saying \"what the hell are you doing\" and we look for all of the ways we can, to shut our brain off and justify the promises.

LOL ... I can understand and relate to that.

1 More Response

I was reading some of the responses and couldn't help but think... there sure is a lot of blame going on. It's my husband's fault, it's my wife's fault, it's the other woman's fault. Ladies and gentlemen, it does take two to tango. But more importantly if there had been communication in your marriage in the first place this may not have happened. I am the other woman. My guy is an idiot for not telling his wife he wasn't happy. He also played the "I'm leaving my wife" act on me. At this point I talk to his wife, to see how they're doing. I apologized for doing this to her. She had found out before hand anyway. Him and I agreed that we would stop and go back to our marriages. He tried for 2 days and flat out said he wouldn't be the same guy he had been for the last 20 years, unhappy. He goes out with friends now to hang out (male friends from work) and she hates it even though he tries to invite her along. She constantly asks me if he's with me and if I don't reply within a few mins she flies off the handle and accuses me of pulling the wool over her eyes. Lady, I don't want your guy. He told me he loved me and would leave you, but he told you he loved you and wanted to work things out. Him and I lied to each other too much for there to ever be anything beyond the affair that we had. It kinda saddens me though. I do love him, but I need to look at what I have and see if I want to stay with my husband without his influence of us having a better life and more fun than what my husband can give. I already know we'd have fun, but I don't want to be the cause of my husband and I losing everything we've worked for

I am a women now living with a women and it was the best thing I ever did I am so happy now but for most of my life I lived with a man ?

In my experience, I am the other woman. Do I mind, no. It's pure physical for me. I am emotionally equip to not put his feelings before my own. Harsh, I'm pretty much told that daily by him and by others. I have self respect and respect for him. Hell I have respect for his wife. I don't have respect for their marriage. Why? They do not honor or respect their marriage themselves. All of their honor was out the door before I came into the pic. I do not plan on nor intend to keep him for myself. Why would I? He's cheating on his wife, lol. There are very few men that do keep it in their pants. I just haven't came across one yet. He's my play toy and I'm his. We do not expect things from one another. We talk and go places, but I maintain my life the way it should be as if no one was in the picture. I like it this was. I don't have to clean up behind him, argue with him about finances, or infidelity issues as funny as that sounds. His wife does know about me, but has never stepped to me incorrectly. He and I were together before he got with her and cheated on me with her.(reason why they are so great for one another). I would never want any real relationship with him, not ever. He knows and has offered to divorce her for me. But that's the beauty of this game. I can always play him and put him away when I'm done.

Oh yeah, we've been like this since 04. He has stayed weekends over, but I refuse to let him stay any longer than that.

This is exactly what my guy and I are like. He has great kids, great wife, great house. Honestly if I were to ever choose a life partner, it would be him. BUT he and I are in it for fun, distraction, a break from all of the drama of daily life. I have met his wife, and she is so not me and I guess that is why he likes me. She is great, great shape, strong and strict belief in God and family and serious about everything. When he would not join the church (although he still has strong faith) she would not have sex with him anymore. They haven't shared a bed or even a bedroom for many years (over 15 I think). But she has been awesome in every other aspect of their marriage. He loves her, but he likes me and we totally get each other and there has never been pressure to change our lives. When we are together, we are together, and when we are apart, we are living the other 99% of our lives.

Unless you have independent irrefutable scientific evidence I do not believe your research to be valid. It's just opinion. Given how vilified the other women are viewed by society I believe this is an underreported situation. Unless every OW has been interviewed and statistics compiled from those interviews it is disingeuous, dangerous and hurtful to generalize every situation. There are numerous couples here at EP who began as "others". But since they aren't members of this group no one says a word. We are the brave ones willing to subject ourselves to criticisms of others. We are the minority of OW. Most aren't willing to stand in the light.

Agree. There is a big world out there consisting of all manner of parallel relationships - with some spouses even accepting the situations with tacit approval. You do not hear about them, but if you listen and watch closely, they exist underneath the din of "acceptable" society - like they always have throughout history. A cursory look at the worlds greatest literature will attest to that too.

harrie51: Ancedotal only, and in my own small circle of people I personally know (and that is very small) - couples who are still married to their original partners - I know of four couples who have been married for over 40 years - and BOTH strayed at times over the course of the marriage. Two other couples have been married over 30 years and the wife strayed several times (not sure about the husband) and the other, the husband strayed and eventually marrried his mistress. Now, on to my relatives. I suspect over half of the long term marriages in the family (over 20 years) contain infidelity. But most remain married.

Oh god..Harrie....of course...its never any fault of the other woman!!!! UNREAL! IT TAKES TWO!

Very well written. As a former Married Other Woman, you laid out my experience perfectly. I am still on Stage 8 also known as fixing a broken marriage. Thank You for writing. We women have to realize that we control how men treat us, as a wife or the Other Woman.

Well I wonder what you will make of my situation. I am 37 he is 56. He would never leave his wife. This started as a crush I had a crush on him and because he is the car mechanic our family uses there was no way I could not see him in normal life. I wanted him to know what I felt so he could tell me nothing could happen and may be I could get over my silly feelings and so he would understand why when ever I spoke to him I would giggle well to cut long story short he told me I had said something which put a thought in his head I took this as a confession so I told him how I felt expecting the usual I am married don't be silly go away and instead he said fine I am happy if you are don't tell anyone and lets see what happens he said he was flattered and then asked if he could have a proper good night kiss. Well of course I said yes it was all my dreams coming true. We have been seeing each other from time to time mainly for 10 minutes here and ten there but nothing more since August 2011. I am not sure what we have is love its more a platonic relationship which goes a tiny bit further but never too far and will it ever stop yes once he retire's from his job I will not be able to see him very often and it will all end and to be honest I do not see it going on for any more than two or three years from now. I love the happy feeling I get from knowing him the feeling of contentment after a quick kiss even when we might get caught and a quick hug just makes me feel better. But no it won't last for ever its not love but it is a kind of affair.

How do you two hold back? I couldn't.

Self control

The opportunity is rarely there. I help him out with a hand in an obvious place occasionally but as I don't have much of a sex drive really that's fine a good long kiss and a hug and I am happy. It works for us two. Mind you if we are unable to see each other for a week or two I do find myself thinking about him endlessly which can be frustrating.

Try looking at it from a man's the divorce diaries by Fynn Gillen

Hi - I'm OW, been at your "Stage 2" I think, with some of Stage 3 thrown in for almost 8 years now. No, I don't fit your profile.
I don't want marriage. I never want him to leave his wife. I have no intentions of bringing him into the stream of my life, my friends, my family members. I have no intentions of becoming part of his... I don't want to make babies with him. I don't want to become the step-Mom to his children, I don't want his children to be the children of divorce at all.
But -- he and I click. We always have. Conversation is effortless - yes, still, after all these years. The sex is amazing -- he says his wife never gives him any, I don't care if she does or doesn't. I never have to pick up his dirty socks or smell his bad breath... that's his wife's job. That's just fine with me.
I think the place where many women get messed up is in the assumption that marriage is some great thing. That if you don't get marriage, you have somehow settled for "less". But as for me -- I've never EVER seen marriage improve anyone's relationship. I'd rather be the girlfriend for the rest of my life than settle for the hell of marriage. Oh, I know... He's "supposed" to be there for the special occasions like Christmas -- not in my paradigm. Afterward, he tells me all about his, and I tell him about mine. And then I'm happy for him (if he had a good time), and he's happy for me (I always do). He's "supposed" to be there for all of these other cultural "important" moments... why? I don't want him there. I don't pine away on Friday night. I'm with my friends, my sisters, whomever, and I want it that way. What's he doing? Stuck at home watching his fat wife fold the towels and harping out his "honey-do" list for the weekend. Poor him. But don't feel sorry for me.
I'll hear all about it on Monday when I take an extra long lunch and he and I go back to my place.
I don't try to change him. That's why we got together in the first place. I told him if he ever "fell in love" with me, or decided he'd had it with his marriage and he started giving me any bs talk about leaving his wife "for me"... I'd dump his a-- in a New York minute. I'll never play that game.
In eight years I've never called him at his home -- never felt the need. Never felt the need to get into his wife's "territory"... it's all hers. I don't envy it, and I'd never pay the price she pays to have it. I have my own place, it's all mine, and I don't have to share it with anyone. Lonely? Never. Alone? Sometimes. However, I love myself enough to be okay whenever I choose to be alone (and it's always a choice).
So... my point is, your stages do indeed lead to heartache and misery. However, I would contend that a HUGE portion of that heartache and misery have more to do with the marriage element (having one, wanting one, wanting someone else's) than it has to do with the affair element. (my opinion, my experience, ymmv obviously)

Very well put, thanks a lot for this post, I think this post definitely helped in determining which path I need to take in my SM. I am glad now that I never cheated or strayed in my marriage, and am fully focused on fixing it first. If it cannot be fixed then I will just have a clean cut divorce and start over with a real man who is ready to commit full time into marriage and give me 100% like I would want to give 100% to the man I love.Thanks a lot for this post..

Well, it doesn't always end like that. My husband left for his 20 year old OW after 13 years of marriage and 3 kids. (He was a serial cheater before he left). He married her. It has been 8 years since the divorce. We began sleeping with each other again about 2 years ago, but I ended that. I realized I'd become his OW and refused to settle for that role. Besides, he disgusts me now. I did get a measure of satisfaction screwing around behind that OW *****'s back, though. Gave her a taste of her own medicine...and I kept proof in case I ever want to blow up her family the way she blew up mine.

I dont think She was responsible for her husband's adultery.

Wow,and they say TOW cannot let go! Bitterness such as this is going to age your body and soul. Why would you sleep with someone who disgusts you just to get revenge?

I completely agree that the other woman is not responsible for their marriage.

And yes bitterness and revenge will age her body and soul.

I guess youll have to find the stats that she 99.9 % of married men will leave their wives for the ow....100% of the ow are always better looking than the wife.....its 100% the wifes fault if a man cheats.

Now those are the stats the other woman wants!! Not the real ones!

I have looked and looked for a site that I could feel comfortable on without women bashing us. These wives or girlfriends are forgetting that it was their men who stryed in the first place. if they didn't want something else all they had say was they were attatched and most us will look the other way.

Yes, it ws our men who strayed....and you ran right to the bedroom with him didnt you! Yes, cheating woman, blame all the husbands! Dont take responsibility for LETTING HIM CHEAT WITH YOU! UNREAL!

its no wonder youre heartache69---stupid choices you make!

Harrie I dont know what your issue is...but yes, I do know why my husband had the affair! How do you think we were able to work through it??? I knew when he wasnt getting the attention and the love he needed from me he would find another. Hes a great catch for any woman! Im not a fool!
We just had too many problems in our marriage..and he wasnt willing to change them for me....until he knew, he lost me...and by then, it was too late!

I accept full responsibility for what happened...we both do!

Now, had he been a man who just up and cheated....he would be history without a snowballs chance in hell!

Dont bash me because you dont like what I say to you! You are a are a liar and a sneak! Of course we are not ever going to gt along! I can accept you accept it and lay off the name calling!
God, grow up already! Youre embarassing!!!!!

Again, Harrie, you know nothing about my situation!
You are the one who is making a complete fool out of yourself..but I guess your used to it being the "other woman" all the time! Now if that isnt making a fool out of yourself...what is!!!???

Move on? Why dont you move on! He chose his wife..not you! You hate any wife who succeeded in repairing a damaged marriage dont you! Im sure it brings back horrible memories for you and how much you hated his wife..who, did nothing to you by the way! All she did was be herself...and all she was . was a woman he didnt want to leave..for you!

If I can stop one woman from having an affair...or ones who are, who think its right, I will try! I dont give a rats behind about you..your situation or what you think..get it?
I think yo9u n eed to move on...and stop hating the women on this site who have their husbands you ow tried to steal!
Its not our fault you are now stuck with your second choice...because your married lover didnt think you were worth leavin his wife for!
You and this Kelki ..make me laugh!
The only thing worse than a man who thinks with his a woman who thinks with her vagina! _Kelki, thats you! No wonder y our as old as you are with a screwed up life!

Why is it that in your little world only a man can complete you? I refuse to be a victim as an OW,as a wife, as or whatever else your limited mind happens to view me as. Your words just continue to make you look like a narrowed- minded bitter OLD woman. You know nothing about my life, or my stories. I do not know what your motivation is but it is certainly not having the effect you envision. Any intelligent persons can see through your BS. If your husband came back as you claim it is short- lived because if you treat him with even a fraction of the contempt you blast on here, he is probably already in an affair. We do not even know you and you continue these nasty attacks. Your heart and soul are rotting away as your marriage is,all due to the anger and rage that you simply cannot let go. Let it go! Get help!

The thing that makes me sad reading this is watching us squabble between ourselves over these creeps. Like they are the prize to be won and we are all enemies. Men absolutely hate it when we come together and share stories and realize they are the problem - just ask any guy what he thinks about the idea of his ex-girlfriends all gathering in one place to talk.

The reality is this. At the center of the hurricane is not the other woman, or the wife. It's the jackass husband who lied to everyone involved. The guy who used his best, most seductive self to push through any resistance that the OW put up. The one who then put on his most contrite and guilt ridden face to his wife when he was caught. Regardless of whether he stays or leaves the marriage, there is a woman in the wake who was told that she was loved, and that he wanted to be with her, and is now left with nothing.

In my case, I loved the man that I was with more than I have ever loved anyone else. I equally told him no many times over and he was persistent and persuasive and charming and seductive until my resistance caved. He went to leave his marriage, she threatened him with the children multiple times over, he stayed with her "for the children" and because now suddenly she was his "best friend" (not something I'd heard before). I ultimately ended even his lingering emotional affair with me, he was still trying to use me as the sounding board and confidante that I was before, and it was killing me. Haven't seen or spoken to him in almost a year now.

She of course hates me and blames me. Women never want to hear how the man they loved betrayed them worse than they realized, called them names and actively seduced a reluctant woman. I have always done my best to see it from her side. Because at the end of the day, he devastated both of us. She lost her security and trust, I l ultimately lost my dream job and the man I thought was my soulmate - and he lost nothing. He kept the family, the job, the lifestyle and life that he hadn't wanted to lose. I know he feels guilt and a remorse but I feel like that is a very small price to pay given what he did to both women.

So why on god's green earth do we keep attacking each other? Sure, there is blame to go around, I would never say that I was guiltless. But let's put the lion's share where it belongs - the guy. They get off the hook and lose nothing in the process far too often. We are the ones who are hurt and betrayed and then make it even worse by catfighting with each other.

The fact of the matter is that you cannot put a man in the center of the hurricane or blame him for the problems of a marriage. You can also not put a man on a pedestal and expect him to provide for all your needs and desires. I would consider my self unrealistic and naive, if I made such a statement. I have never been hurt or betrayed by a man because I know that it is within me to get beyond revenge, contempt and blame for issues that I have no control over. In fact, I have enough self esteem to get beyond anyone that disagrees with me.

What I do find absolutely unforgivable is someone (male or female) making standard judgements about my life choices in this group. No one gets to make my moral choices except me and trust me I made some tough ones due to my own circumstances just as you all did. It is not a matter of who did what to whom. We as humans, need to accept that people may need someone or something else in their life at differetn times. If that is unacceptable ,then decide to stay or abandon the relationship.

Ray, there is no year that will be boring ;)

Kelki... I'm not sure where you got that I was making judgements on your life choices, that was not my intent.. my point was simply about how in general, it's only too common for the women to turn on each other and miss a central character in the whole drama, and that we should really stop doing that as a whole. :)

Also, I'm not artificially putting him in the center of the hurricane, he WAS the center of the hurricane, and at least he had the good graces to admit it when I made a similar comment to him. It had absolutely nothing to do with putting him on a pedestal, or needing him to complete me, or being a victim, or anything else like that. It was a simple acknowledgement of his behavior and its impacts. It's OK to get angry at people and hold them accountable for their bad behavior, it's not a mark of bad self esteem. Anger is a standard and incredibly important part of the grieving process on the road to true acceptance. I just think that we should direct it where it should go instead of at each other. :)

I am not talking about you personally. I just think some women put men in a bad light all the time. in your situation he sounds manipulative but sometimes it is not his fault. Every circumstance is different.

Everyone plays a role in affairs. A man will stray whether you do right or not. His excuse will still be he did it because of something the wife did or he just fell out of love. It just so happens that the ow caught the eye of your man. Bitterness will always be there cause he chose someone over you when he vowed not too. whether its marriage or bf/gf relationship when he cheats the main chick is always bitter towards the new meat instead of the one that is causing you stress and hostility.

Blondie I knew it was too good to be true! You just can't keep your mouth from spewing bullshit! We have asked you many times to be respectful and offer words of encouragement. It seems you can't seem to do this. I am going to ask you one final time to not comment here if you can not offer anything positive. Start your own group on how you feel about the OW! None of us would be disrespectful because that is your opinion and you have a right to it. You just don't need to come to a support group and begin bashing. That isn't what a SUPPORT group wants or needs. So don't comment here if it isn't going to be supportive of the author! Do I make myself clear?

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I know the ow that got hersefl involved with my husband during our troubling times...was devastated that he chose to end the relationship with her and try and work on our marriage.
He made the choice, his wife, his marriage...when he could have kept it going with her.
It definately was a brutal end for her...she began harassing my husband and threatening to tell me about their affair. Once I found out.....your right, it was a tragic aftermath...and a tragic social aftermath...basically all our friends and relatives....gathered around me..supporting me...and he was outside...with no one who wanted to talk to him or even see him (except the ow...who he didnt want anythingn to do with).

His ow settled for the scraps he was giving her...she had no clue that all the time he was working her over...he was still trying to sve our marriage. I was her competition and even when I* wanted nothing to do with my husband...he would rather chose a day to spend with me...than a day to spend with her. Sad. Because he could have gone to her....without a care or issue from me.

Now, we have reconcilled...its 4 years....everything is back to normal and in some areas...better than ever.
What the ow should always know dont know the truth about whats going on in the marriage....if theres issues you best bet, hes responsible for at least half or more!
Kick his *** back home! dont invite him to your bed.

Oh you wish thats why he came home! He ws home and wanting to work on our marriage before anyone , including myself, knew what was going on!
I take full responsibility for my part.
I ended our marriage before he met his ow! I dont blame him one bit for doing what he did...after all, I no longer wanted him!!!
What I do hold against him is...when we reconcilled, I came clean with my emotional affair and he didnt tell me about his sexual affair!
When she called 3 weeks later, to tell me he had an affair....hoping I would throw him when all hell broke loose! Thats when he was ostracised!! In fact, I was the only one who stood by him!

And for the husband will never speak or have anything to do with his ow....I saw the hatred in his eyes and heard it in his voice the day she called!

As a typical other woman..such as like to cast doubt in a "wifes" mind about her husband....but what you dont know...its not about trusting him..its about trusting yourself..knowing...the next time he screws up...hes out, without a chance in hell!-AND HE KNOWS IT!
Go enjoy your lunch with your married loser! Something you should think about is....ALL YOURE GOOD FOR IS LUNCH!

And for the marriage has never been this great! I thank the ow for showing my husband just how lucky he was to have a wife like me! She showed him exactly what he was going to lose and what he was going to end up with! I cant thank her enough for "scaring him straight!!!"

I was thinking that she actually helped my husband to be the man I always wanted him to be but it really was the realization that he'd lost me that woke him up. Just so these OW know my husband actually HATES her now, he sees her as the narcissist she is and he feels played. I don't know if I'm going to keep him but the sex is over the top GREAT! But we've ALWAYS had great sex because we have a true passion for each other, even when he lied to her that he was living in the basement.

My om was not married. Sorry to disappoint you.
What happened is....I realized I loved my husband. Thats the truth..I always did. Plus, do you really think Im that stupid to leave for a man who has shown me that the fact that Im married wouldnt stop him?? Sorry, wrong again.
I hold myself to a higher standard than most people do. If a man will cheat with you, he will cheat on you! Therefore, I had decided I would rather be alone and lonely. It just so husband came to the conclusion that I was the only woman for him! Timing is everything!

Maybe in your case your cheating loser told his wife he never wanted to see you again...and then did. But I can say, my husband hates his ow! In fact, he ended his affair with her before I even knew about it. I saw the emails between them how she was begging him to leave me and he was telling her she knew from the start he loved me and if he still had just a chance to fix things with me..he would.....even after she offered him anal sex and **********!
My husband was always honest with me and he showed me saved text and emails because she was harassing him and he was about to have her arrested for stalking and harassment.
And for the record....everyone knows the truth...I told them even before I met my om and he met the ow that divorce was in our future...just had to get all the ducks in a row!
But, anyway who want to be good men, do stop their cheating who learned and who hurt themselves through their own stupidity , will change.
Your married fool, still is a fool! And its a shame when he contacts you , you go have lunch with him! Its too bad you dont raise the bar for yourself and send the cheating bastard home with a boot up his ***!

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I thought my story would have ended up in these stages...but it has not. I see your point though...most often it does go this way. The 2 of us fell in love, he left and we started our life together. 3 years, a marriage and a baby later we are doing great and still as in love as we were the first time we felt it. It was an awful road getting here with lots of bitter hateful people lashing out at us constantly...death threats, you name it...But i think my point here is is that they all dont end tragically...but someone def gets hurt (the ex)....Sometimes I wonder if all of this guilt for her and his kids and all of this hatred towards me is worth our love and being together. I have never known a love like the 2 of us share...we are the perfect couple...

Well, I have to say that the stages that I wrote above I've noticed are sometimes misinterpreted. For example, stage 7 says "the brutal end" most just see that... but miss where I say, the affair, the marriage or both. There are about 350 pages in that book.. so, I clearly don't have the space here!!! LOL. But yes, 1/3 (approx) do leave their spouse. That said 2/3 do not. Of that 1/3... about 1/3 of those work out. You are one of the few... but it DOES happen. Those story's do exist. And you go through stages 8 and 9 to get there! One woman described it as "there will be times that you feel like the hounds of hell are nipping at your feet" and that is similar to what you've described as the path it took to get there. However, I'm happy for you that it seems to all have been worth it and you feel you have found the best and most supportive partner for you. If you've been successful at building a trust between you, you've managed to master more than most will ever find possible. Here's one tally mark on the success board!!!!

Great Post! I think you are absolutely wonderful for sharing this with all of us, dont let anyone tell you otherwise. Keep up the wonderful research! :)

Thank you! I am touched by your comment!

I appreciate what you had to say and honestly feel it's coming from a place of compassion for those who share your own experiences. I in no way felt you were posting a sales pitch, but rather a compassionate ear. Hope everything is well with you and the book.

Thank you, very much. I appreciate your comment greatly!