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What It's Like Being The Other Woman

So many of you have no idea how many of your stories I’ve read and wanted so desperately to reply. Ultimately, I wouldn’t be able to keep up. There is not ONE story I’ve yet to read which is not already written about in my book. I’ve started replying and then I stop because, after all, that is what I spent two years writing already. It’s all there and it’s too much to get out on a forum.

I’ve clicked on many of your profiles with the intent of offering you a copy of my book. But the last thing I want to do is appear to only have the intention of promoting and so I stop. I genuinely care because I've been there. To the core of my soul - I've been there.

I’ll try to summarize here, instead.

My heart breaks for each and every one of you because regardless as to how different you think your stories are, the bones are all the same.

I hurt for you because I remember the pain and even when some of you write “he’s leaving” or “he’s left” – I know your outcome. Not just because of my own story, but the hundreds of women I’ve interviewed, along with sites such as this. Each and every one of us believes our situation is “different.” The difference however, is only in the particulars.

These are the stages:
1) A harmless flirtation. Connecting. Giddy excitement to connect.
2) The moment “it” happens. Personal logic and emotion have an inner argument.
3) The convincing stage. Beautiful words. Promises. Hopeless romance. Falling in love.
4) Exposure. Inner/outer conflict (him, you, his wife, the public or all four). Tumultuous stage.
5) The games. Competition with the spouse (emotional or actual). Relationship dysfunction.
6) The decision stage. The separation. Most often back and forthing. Constant new hope and disappointment.
7) The brutal end (The affair. The marriage or both).
8) Tragic personal aftermath
9) Tragic social aftermath
10) And then those awful statistics which turn out to be very accurate.

Not one story I have read deviates. It’s like I’m looking into your crystal ball. I know. I also know that you are so hopelessly loving beyond hope and hoping you will prove everyone wrong, this will work. You are also scared s******* that it wont. I know.

I'm not saying leave him. I'm not saying stay. Each of you know your own situation (or believe you do). I'm simply telling you not to put up with excuses for too long..... or you will for far longer than you bargained. Or, eventually if he does leave you'll be too bitter for it to work anyway. In the heart and soul of a woman, lies a WOMAN. Wife or Mistress. A woman will always receive the height of what she demands/expects. As long as you tolerate/accept less than you deserve and don't trust that you deserve a whole man, you'll never have more than half.
Micalle Micalle 36-40, F 48 Responses Apr 22, 2012

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You speak the truth

Ok, this hasn't been responded to in awhile, but I wanted to comment. When I had my affair a few years ago, we set our boundaries from day one. We understood what we each wanted from the affair. We agreed it could end at any time without an explanation, and we wouldn't contact the other. We agreed to keep our personal lives (aka real lives) out of it, although when we got more comfortable with each other and trust was secure, we did talk about those things a little bit. We agreed to be exclusive with each other.
He ended it by telling me he was falling for me. I was not leaving my husband nor deserting my kids, so I was ok with it. I was able to keep feelings out of it. I mean, I was fond of him, but I wouldn't want to have been with him in real life (he didn't have a job or a car!).
I got out of it what I needed: affirmation that I was still desirable, that I could still inspire someone to fall in love with me, that I was an interesting person as well as a very sexy lady. I smile when I think about it and I know that I also was a confidence-booster for him.
However, I don't want to work on my marriage. We are close to be empty-nesters, and I when I move out, I will live alone. I will have my own space. I will learn to love myself again, and cultivate a life I am happy living. It's also not fair that my h should be with someone who he might not be happy with. There is someone out there who will make him smile. I just don't think it's me. I'm sure I will mourn the loss of my marriage, although I have been doing so for a long while. And even though my kids are older, I'm still afraid they won't understand. That, to me, makes me more sad than leaving him.
So I don't think I necessarily have gone through, or will go through, all of those steps.

Couldn't agree more!! Thx for sharing:)

Just beautiful - I just read this ....... so true.

Where can I get your book?

Thanks for this. I wish I would have read this 3 years ago! You said a mouthful!

Well said. Truth sets people free.

well put.

You are so right. The stages to a flirtation are so addictive, it is hard to jump off the train, no matter how destructive.

If you sign up for someone's scraps - or sharing a man with another women etc -- then deal with it and stop crying about the consequences

I am battling back and forth with a situation I'm in. He's not married but he's with somebody else. In the beginning I felt so differently than I do now. I hurt that I continue to be second to him and unlike the other women, he's made no inclinations of leaving this woman. During the beginning I thought the relationship wouldn'tlast but now I am suckered into it even further. I am beyond crying now and trying to think of exactly how I will end it

I got sick of being his option. now that I have blocked him he has started to drop by everyday and knows how it makes me feel. I don't tell him mean things, I just try to get him to see how this affects me and my life. He doesn't say that he will leave his wife, but I do know that he can't break free from me either for some reason. He loves both of us and it sucks. I find that the more unavailable I am the more he hurts and asks me to unblock him on my phone. I won't until he either leaves me alone or makes a decision. Its hard I know but try to be strong and make him miss you. Don't be so available whenever he has free time. live your own life and learn to love you again.

I promise u - guys like this are all replaceable - dump him and go meet new guys - someone will be a better fit than him.

Thank You for being empathetic and a damn good writer! Your words hit home and we all just hope that "this time" will be different. We all want that fairytale and for some reason believe that we are the one that he will leave his wife for, when knowing in our hearts what it is truly about. We know, we just have/had hope. I just wonder why the wives stay and I wonder why we would believe that he wouldn't do the same thing to us? Thank You again and I do love your story and I bet your book will be a hit! I know a lot of us women here would love to know the name of it and when it will be out. You support us and we will support you! Have a Great turkey Day!

Why do wives stay? Good question... lots of reasons.
I stay because I can't afford to support myself on my own yet. My married lover stays because he is waiting for his child to finish school. (supposedly). I know that I can't leave until I can support myself on my own. I can't depend on him because statistically speaking, only about 5% of men actually leave their wives for their lovers.... So I have to be smart.
Deep down, I really hope that when I leave, he will too.... but the reality of it is he probably won't.
So, to answer your question, why do wives stay? The same reason we stay with our married lovers... because we all believe that they love US more and will ultimately do the right thing...

A woman will always receive the height of what she demands/expects. As long as you tolerate/accept less than you deserve and don't trust that you deserve a whole man, you'll never have more than half. I LOVE THIS!!! exactly what I know I need to accept and move forward. Thank you...

How about being 'the other man'?

I have had an affair for about 6 months (first kiss-last break-up) with my soul-mate. I am pretty sure I'll never have such an emotional connection as the one we had. Parting indefinitely beginning of February, we met again at a party in June. The moment we met, people around us could feel the energy we transmitted! We've had a great evening, where there seem to be no one but us in this world. We ended up laying in the grass, kissing and cherishing each other. And talking of course. But that evening was so intense, I'm afraid I'll never live it ever again. 2 months later we met again (for the first time ever I went to her home) and I believe that was our final arranged encounter. I told her she would have to choose soon. Not for her, but for me, cause I believe I am ready to be fully devoted to one woman again.

Probably it got something to do with my father leaving my mother for a younger woman. Subconsciously I feel I have the urge to direct my love to one who is someone other's lover. My former relationships all started like this. My first 'love' (didn't know what love was at the time) cheated on her boyfriend with me and broke up with him afterwards. My true love, broke up with her boyfriend because of me, and we lasted 4.5 years. Until she decided to move back to her country because of professional reasons, and I didn't follow her because I was afraid I'd have no future in a country I didn't really speak the language of. (Poland)
My last girlfriend (before the affair) was on the verge of breaking up with her boyfriend when she met me and I put her over the verge.

There have been other occasions where a girl broke up with her boyfriend after having met me, but I'm convinced those relations were bound to fail anyways.

I now try to stay away from married or unavailable women, but every time I meet someone i like, I honestly can't say I care whether she is available or not. When I find out she isn't, I just think to myself: 'of course she isn't, I did not expect otherwise'

Am I only truly interested in unavailable women?

WOW .. I love the way you spelled that out. I loved reading it. If you wrote your book the way you wrote this post, it should be a fun easy read.

On the point of topic, I would like to ask this ? Not being a woman and using my male logic for what it is .....

Why would a woman fall IN-LOVE with a man that has not made a mature decision to get out a relationship he no longer wants, before starting another relationship of any level or status?

I would think to myself .... I like him ... but ... let me hold back and see if his character is strong or not. If he is a man of character and integrity, he will end the relationship with some bit of evidence or proof, or he wont. If he doesn't, stay distant but fun ... if he does ... then it's your call?

Does this thought work in the female mind? Yes ... no ? ... if not ... why ?

Thanks for your post all the same :)

I can only speak for myself, but my head told me these exact things...to wait, to not become emotionally involved. I wish it was that easy but my heart does not listen......I really, really wish it did though.

Thank you for your reply. Life can be a puzzle sometimes ... why didn\'t I ... why did I ... LOL ... who hasn\'t been there.

Peace to you my friend :)

Hello DarkBlackSpin :) Thank You! That is precisely what we usually ALL think and caution ourselves with. But when you are enjoying someones company THAT much, generally the heart goes where the heart goes and the mind goes on to astral projection watching from a far saying \"what the hell are you doing\" and we look for all of the ways we can, to shut our brain off and justify the promises.

LOL ... I can understand and relate to that.

1 More Response

I was reading some of the responses and couldn't help but think... there sure is a lot of blame going on. It's my husband's fault, it's my wife's fault, it's the other woman's fault. Ladies and gentlemen, it does take two to tango. But more importantly if there had been communication in your marriage in the first place this may not have happened. I am the other woman. My guy is an idiot for not telling his wife he wasn't happy. He also played the "I'm leaving my wife" act on me. At this point I talk to his wife, to see how they're doing. I apologized for doing this to her. She had found out before hand anyway. Him and I agreed that we would stop and go back to our marriages. He tried for 2 days and flat out said he wouldn't be the same guy he had been for the last 20 years, unhappy. He goes out with friends now to hang out (male friends from work) and she hates it even though he tries to invite her along. She constantly asks me if he's with me and if I don't reply within a few mins she flies off the handle and accuses me of pulling the wool over her eyes. Lady, I don't want your guy. He told me he loved me and would leave you, but he told you he loved you and wanted to work things out. Him and I lied to each other too much for there to ever be anything beyond the affair that we had. It kinda saddens me though. I do love him, but I need to look at what I have and see if I want to stay with my husband without his influence of us having a better life and more fun than what my husband can give. I already know we'd have fun, but I don't want to be the cause of my husband and I losing everything we've worked for

I am a women now living with a women and it was the best thing I ever did I am so happy now but for most of my life I lived with a man ?

In my experience, I am the other woman. Do I mind, no. It's pure physical for me. I am emotionally equip to not put his feelings before my own. Harsh, I'm pretty much told that daily by him and by others. I have self respect and respect for him. Hell I have respect for his wife. I don't have respect for their marriage. Why? They do not honor or respect their marriage themselves. All of their honor was out the door before I came into the pic. I do not plan on nor intend to keep him for myself. Why would I? He's cheating on his wife, lol. There are very few men that do keep it in their pants. I just haven't came across one yet. He's my play toy and I'm his. We do not expect things from one another. We talk and go places, but I maintain my life the way it should be as if no one was in the picture. I like it this was. I don't have to clean up behind him, argue with him about finances, or infidelity issues as funny as that sounds. His wife does know about me, but has never stepped to me incorrectly. He and I were together before he got with her and cheated on me with her.(reason why they are so great for one another). I would never want any real relationship with him, not ever. He knows and has offered to divorce her for me. But that's the beauty of this game. I can always play him and put him away when I'm done.

Oh yeah, we've been like this since 04. He has stayed weekends over, but I refuse to let him stay any longer than that.

This is exactly what my guy and I are like. He has great kids, great wife, great house. Honestly if I were to ever choose a life partner, it would be him. BUT he and I are in it for fun, distraction, a break from all of the drama of daily life. I have met his wife, and she is so not me and I guess that is why he likes me. She is great, great shape, strong and strict belief in God and family and serious about everything. When he would not join the church (although he still has strong faith) she would not have sex with him anymore. They haven't shared a bed or even a bedroom for many years (over 15 I think). But she has been awesome in every other aspect of their marriage. He loves her, but he likes me and we totally get each other and there has never been pressure to change our lives. When we are together, we are together, and when we are apart, we are living the other 99% of our lives.

Unless you have independent irrefutable scientific evidence I do not believe your research to be valid. It's just opinion. Given how vilified the other women are viewed by society I believe this is an underreported situation. Unless every OW has been interviewed and statistics compiled from those interviews it is disingeuous, dangerous and hurtful to generalize every situation. There are numerous couples here at EP who began as "others". But since they aren't members of this group no one says a word. We are the brave ones willing to subject ourselves to criticisms of others. We are the minority of OW. Most aren't willing to stand in the light.

Agree. There is a big world out there consisting of all manner of parallel relationships - with some spouses even accepting the situations with tacit approval. You do not hear about them, but if you listen and watch closely, they exist underneath the din of "acceptable" society - like they always have throughout history. A cursory look at the worlds greatest literature will attest to that too.

harrie51: Ancedotal only, and in my own small circle of people I personally know (and that is very small) - couples who are still married to their original partners - I know of four couples who have been married for over 40 years - and BOTH strayed at times over the course of the marriage. Two other couples have been married over 30 years and the wife strayed several times (not sure about the husband) and the other, the husband strayed and eventually marrried his mistress. Now, on to my relatives. I suspect over half of the long term marriages in the family (over 20 years) contain infidelity. But most remain married.

Oh god..Harrie....of course...its never any fault of the other woman!!!! UNREAL! IT TAKES TWO!

Very well written. As a former Married Other Woman, you laid out my experience perfectly. I am still on Stage 8 also known as fixing a broken marriage. Thank You for writing. We women have to realize that we control how men treat us, as a wife or the Other Woman.

Well I wonder what you will make of my situation. I am 37 he is 56. He would never leave his wife. This started as a crush I had a crush on him and because he is the car mechanic our family uses there was no way I could not see him in normal life. I wanted him to know what I felt so he could tell me nothing could happen and may be I could get over my silly feelings and so he would understand why when ever I spoke to him I would giggle well to cut long story short he told me I had said something which put a thought in his head I took this as a confession so I told him how I felt expecting the usual I am married don't be silly go away and instead he said fine I am happy if you are don't tell anyone and lets see what happens he said he was flattered and then asked if he could have a proper good night kiss. Well of course I said yes it was all my dreams coming true. We have been seeing each other from time to time mainly for 10 minutes here and ten there but nothing more since August 2011. I am not sure what we have is love its more a platonic relationship which goes a tiny bit further but never too far and will it ever stop yes once he retire's from his job I will not be able to see him very often and it will all end and to be honest I do not see it going on for any more than two or three years from now. I love the happy feeling I get from knowing him the feeling of contentment after a quick kiss even when we might get caught and a quick hug just makes me feel better. But no it won't last for ever its not love but it is a kind of affair.

How do you two hold back? I couldn't.

Self control

The opportunity is rarely there. I help him out with a hand in an obvious place occasionally but as I don't have much of a sex drive really that's fine a good long kiss and a hug and I am happy. It works for us two. Mind you if we are unable to see each other for a week or two I do find myself thinking about him endlessly which can be frustrating.

Try looking at it from a man's perspective..read the divorce diaries by Fynn Gillen

Hi - I'm OW, been at your "Stage 2" I think, with some of Stage 3 thrown in for almost 8 years now. No, I don't fit your profile.
I don't want marriage. I never want him to leave his wife. I have no intentions of bringing him into the stream of my life, my friends, my family members. I have no intentions of becoming part of his... I don't want to make babies with him. I don't want to become the step-Mom to his children, I don't want his children to be the children of divorce at all.
But -- he and I click. We always have. Conversation is effortless - yes, still, after all these years. The sex is amazing -- he says his wife never gives him any, I don't care if she does or doesn't. I never have to pick up his dirty socks or smell his bad breath... that's his wife's job. That's just fine with me.
I think the place where many women get messed up is in the assumption that marriage is some great thing. That if you don't get marriage, you have somehow settled for "less". But as for me -- I've never EVER seen marriage improve anyone's relationship. I'd rather be the girlfriend for the rest of my life than settle for the hell of marriage. Oh, I know... He's "supposed" to be there for the special occasions like Christmas -- not in my paradigm. Afterward, he tells me all about his, and I tell him about mine. And then I'm happy for him (if he had a good time), and he's happy for me (I always do). He's "supposed" to be there for all of these other cultural "important" moments... why? I don't want him there. I don't pine away on Friday night. I'm with my friends, my sisters, whomever, and I want it that way. What's he doing? Stuck at home watching his fat wife fold the towels and harping out his "honey-do" list for the weekend. Poor him. But don't feel sorry for me.
I'll hear all about it on Monday when I take an extra long lunch and he and I go back to my place.
I don't try to change him. That's why we got together in the first place. I told him if he ever "fell in love" with me, or decided he'd had it with his marriage and he started giving me any bs talk about leaving his wife "for me"... I'd dump his a-- in a New York minute. I'll never play that game.
In eight years I've never called him at his home -- never felt the need. Never felt the need to get into his wife's "territory"... it's all hers. I don't envy it, and I'd never pay the price she pays to have it. I have my own place, it's all mine, and I don't have to share it with anyone. Lonely? Never. Alone? Sometimes. However, I love myself enough to be okay whenever I choose to be alone (and it's always a choice).
So... my point is, your stages do indeed lead to heartache and misery. However, I would contend that a HUGE portion of that heartache and misery have more to do with the marriage element (having one, wanting one, wanting someone else's) than it has to do with the affair element. (my opinion, my experience, ymmv obviously)

Very well put, thanks a lot for this post, I think this post definitely helped in determining which path I need to take in my SM. I am glad now that I never cheated or strayed in my marriage, and am fully focused on fixing it first. If it cannot be fixed then I will just have a clean cut divorce and start over with a real man who is ready to commit full time into marriage and give me 100% like I would want to give 100% to the man I love.Thanks a lot for this post..

Well, it doesn't always end like that. My husband left for his 20 year old OW after 13 years of marriage and 3 kids. (He was a serial cheater before he left). He married her. It has been 8 years since the divorce. We began sleeping with each other again about 2 years ago, but I ended that. I realized I'd become his OW and refused to settle for that role. Besides, he disgusts me now. I did get a measure of satisfaction screwing around behind that OW *****'s back, though. Gave her a taste of her own medicine...and I kept proof in case I ever want to blow up her family the way she blew up mine.

I dont think She was responsible for her husband's adultery.

Wow,and they say TOW cannot let go! Bitterness such as this is going to age your body and soul. Why would you sleep with someone who disgusts you just to get revenge?

I completely agree that the other woman is not responsible for their marriage.

And yes bitterness and revenge will age her body and soul.

I guess youll have to find the stats that she approves....like 99.9 % of married men will leave their wives for the ow....100% of the ow are always better looking than the wife.....its 100% the wifes fault if a man cheats.

Now those are the stats the other woman wants!! Not the real ones!

I have looked and looked for a site that I could feel comfortable on without women bashing us. These wives or girlfriends are forgetting that it was their men who stryed in the first place. if they didn't want something else all they had say was they were attatched and most us will look the other way.

Yes, it ws our men who strayed....and you ran right to the bedroom with him didnt you! Yes, cheating woman, blame all the husbands! Dont take responsibility for LETTING HIM CHEAT WITH YOU! UNREAL!
You know how pathetic you sound when you say "IF THEY DIDNT WANT SOMETHNG ELSE ALL THEY HAD TO SAY WAS THEY WERE ATTACHED AND MOST OF US WOULD LOOK THE OTHER WAY! UNFREAKIN REAL! THE FACT HE WAS MARRIED, SHOULD HAVE MADE YOU LOOK THE OTHER WAY...BUT THEN AGAIN, WHEN YOU ARE EMOTIONALLY INSECURE AND DAMAGED.....A CHEATER FOOL, LOOKS GOOD!

its no wonder youre heartache69---stupid choices you make!

Harrie I dont know what your issue is...but yes, I do know why my husband had the affair! How do you think we were able to work through it??? I knew when he wasnt getting the attention and the love he needed from me he would find another. Hes a great catch for any woman! Im not a fool!
We just had too many problems in our marriage..and he wasnt willing to change them for me....until he knew, he lost me...and by then, it was too late!

I accept full responsibility for what happened...we both do!

Now, had he been a man who just up and cheated....he would be history without a snowballs chance in hell!

Dont bash me because you dont like what I say to you! You are a cheater...you are a liar and a sneak! Of course we are not ever going to gt along! I can accept that...no you accept it and lay off the name calling!
God, grow up already! Youre embarassing!!!!!

Again, Harrie, you know nothing about my situation!
You are the one who is making a complete fool out of yourself..but I guess your used to it being the "other woman" all the time! Now if that isnt making a fool out of yourself...what is!!!???

Move on? Why dont you move on! He chose his wife..not you! You hate any wife who succeeded in repairing a damaged marriage dont you! Im sure it brings back horrible memories for you and how much you hated his wife..who, did nothing to you by the way! All she did was be herself...and all she was . was a woman he didnt want to leave..for you!

If I can stop one woman from having an affair...or ones who are, who think its right, I will try! I dont give a rats behind about you..your situation or what you think..get it?
I think yo9u n eed to move on...and stop hating the women on this site who have their husbands you ow tried to steal!
Its not our fault you are now stuck with your second choice...because your married lover didnt think you were worth leavin his wife for!
You and this Kelki ..make me laugh!
The only thing worse than a man who thinks with his penis....is a woman who thinks with her vagina! _Kelki, thats you! No wonder y our as old as you are with a screwed up life!

Why is it that in your little world only a man can complete you? I refuse to be a victim as an OW,as a wife, as or whatever else your limited mind happens to view me as. Your words just continue to make you look like a narrowed- minded bitter OLD woman. You know nothing about my life, or my stories. I do not know what your motivation is but it is certainly not having the effect you envision. Any intelligent persons can see through your BS. If your husband came back as you claim it is short- lived because if you treat him with even a fraction of the contempt you blast on here, he is probably already in an affair. We do not even know you and you continue these nasty attacks. Your heart and soul are rotting away as your marriage is,all due to the anger and rage that you simply cannot let go. Let it go! Get help!

The thing that makes me sad reading this is watching us squabble between ourselves over these creeps. Like they are the prize to be won and we are all enemies. Men absolutely hate it when we come together and share stories and realize they are the problem - just ask any guy what he thinks about the idea of his ex-girlfriends all gathering in one place to talk.

The reality is this. At the center of the hurricane is not the other woman, or the wife. It's the jackass husband who lied to everyone involved. The guy who used his best, most seductive self to push through any resistance that the OW put up. The one who then put on his most contrite and guilt ridden face to his wife when he was caught. Regardless of whether he stays or leaves the marriage, there is a woman in the wake who was told that she was loved, and that he wanted to be with her, and is now left with nothing.

In my case, I loved the man that I was with more than I have ever loved anyone else. I equally told him no many times over and he was persistent and persuasive and charming and seductive until my resistance caved. He went to leave his marriage, she threatened him with the children multiple times over, he stayed with her "for the children" and because now suddenly she was his "best friend" (not something I'd heard before). I ultimately ended even his lingering emotional affair with me, he was still trying to use me as the sounding board and confidante that I was before, and it was killing me. Haven't seen or spoken to him in almost a year now.

She of course hates me and blames me. Women never want to hear how the man they loved betrayed them worse than they realized, called them names and actively seduced a reluctant woman. I have always done my best to see it from her side. Because at the end of the day, he devastated both of us. She lost her security and trust, I l ultimately lost my dream job and the man I thought was my soulmate - and he lost nothing. He kept the family, the job, the lifestyle and life that he hadn't wanted to lose. I know he feels guilt and a remorse but I feel like that is a very small price to pay given what he did to both women.

So why on god's green earth do we keep attacking each other? Sure, there is blame to go around, I would never say that I was guiltless. But let's put the lion's share where it belongs - the guy. They get off the hook and lose nothing in the process far too often. We are the ones who are hurt and betrayed and then make it even worse by catfighting with each other.

The fact of the matter is that you cannot put a man in the center of the hurricane or blame him for the problems of a marriage. You can also not put a man on a pedestal and expect him to provide for all your needs and desires. I would consider my self unrealistic and naive, if I made such a statement. I have never been hurt or betrayed by a man because I know that it is within me to get beyond revenge, contempt and blame for issues that I have no control over. In fact, I have enough self esteem to get beyond anyone that disagrees with me.

What I do find absolutely unforgivable is someone (male or female) making standard judgements about my life choices in this group. No one gets to make my moral choices except me and trust me I made some tough ones due to my own circumstances just as you all did. It is not a matter of who did what to whom. We as humans, need to accept that people may need someone or something else in their life at differetn times. If that is unacceptable ,then decide to stay or abandon the relationship.

Ray, there is no year that will be boring ;)

Kelki... I'm not sure where you got that I was making judgements on your life choices, that was not my intent.. my point was simply about how in general, it's only too common for the women to turn on each other and miss a central character in the whole drama, and that we should really stop doing that as a whole. :)

Also, I'm not artificially putting him in the center of the hurricane, he WAS the center of the hurricane, and at least he had the good graces to admit it when I made a similar comment to him. It had absolutely nothing to do with putting him on a pedestal, or needing him to complete me, or being a victim, or anything else like that. It was a simple acknowledgement of his behavior and its impacts. It's OK to get angry at people and hold them accountable for their bad behavior, it's not a mark of bad self esteem. Anger is a standard and incredibly important part of the grieving process on the road to true acceptance. I just think that we should direct it where it should go instead of at each other. :)

I am not talking about you personally. I just think some women put men in a bad light all the time. in your situation he sounds manipulative but sometimes it is not his fault. Every circumstance is different.

Everyone plays a role in affairs. A man will stray whether you do right or not. His excuse will still be he did it because of something the wife did or he just fell out of love. It just so happens that the ow caught the eye of your man. Bitterness will always be there cause he chose someone over you when he vowed not too. whether its marriage or bf/gf relationship when he cheats the main chick is always bitter towards the new meat instead of the one that is causing you stress and hostility.

Blondie I knew it was too good to be true! You just can't keep your mouth from spewing bullshit! We have asked you many times to be respectful and offer words of encouragement. It seems you can't seem to do this. I am going to ask you one final time to not comment here if you can not offer anything positive. Start your own group on how you feel about the OW! None of us would be disrespectful because that is your opinion and you have a right to it. You just don't need to come to a support group and begin bashing. That isn't what a SUPPORT group wants or needs. So don't comment here if it isn't going to be supportive of the author! Do I make myself clear?

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Wow!
I know the ow that got hersefl involved with my husband during our troubling times...was devastated that he chose to end the relationship with her and try and work on our marriage.
He made the choice, his wife, his marriage...when he could have kept it going with her.
It definately was a brutal end for her...she began harassing my husband and threatening to tell me about their affair. Once I found out.....your right, it was a tragic aftermath...and a tragic social aftermath...basically all our friends and relatives....gathered around me..supporting me...and he was outside...with no one who wanted to talk to him or even see him (except the ow...who he didnt want anythingn to do with).

His ow settled for the scraps he was giving her...she had no clue that all the time he was working her over...he was still trying to sve our marriage. I was her competition and even when I* wanted nothing to do with my husband...he would rather chose a day to spend with me...than a day to spend with her. Sad. Because he could have gone to her....without a care or issue from me.

Now, we have reconcilled...its 4 years....everything is back to normal and in some areas...better than ever.
What the ow should always know is.....you dont know the truth about whats going on in the marriage....if theres issues you best bet, hes responsible for at least half or more!
Kick his *** back home! dont invite him to your bed.

Oh you wish thats why he came home! He ws home and wanting to work on our marriage before anyone , including myself, knew what was going on!
I take full responsibility for my part.
I ended our marriage before he met his ow! I dont blame him one bit for doing what he did...after all, I no longer wanted him!!!
What I do hold against him is...when we reconcilled, I came clean with my emotional affair and he didnt tell me about his sexual affair!
When she called 3 weeks later, to tell me he had an affair....hoping I would throw him out....is when all hell broke loose! Thats when he was ostracised!! In fact, I was the only one who stood by him!


And for the record.....my husband will never speak or have anything to do with his ow....I saw the hatred in his eyes and heard it in his voice the day she called!

As a typical other woman..such as yourself...you like to cast doubt in a "wifes" mind about her husband....but what you dont know...its not about trusting him..its about trusting yourself..knowing...the next time he screws up...hes out, without a chance in hell!-AND HE KNOWS IT!
Go enjoy your lunch with your married loser! Something you should think about is....ALL YOURE GOOD FOR IS LUNCH!

And for the record....my marriage has never been this great! I thank the ow for showing my husband just how lucky he was to have a wife like me! She showed him exactly what he was going to lose and what he was going to end up with! I cant thank her enough for "scaring him straight!!!"

I was thinking that she actually helped my husband to be the man I always wanted him to be but it really was the realization that he'd lost me that woke him up. Just so these OW know my husband actually HATES her now, he sees her as the narcissist she is and he feels played. I don't know if I'm going to keep him but the sex is over the top GREAT! But we've ALWAYS had great sex because we have a true passion for each other, even when he lied to her that he was living in the basement.

My om was not married. Sorry to disappoint you.
What happened is....I realized I loved my husband. Thats the truth..I always did. Plus, do you really think Im that stupid to leave for a man who has shown me that the fact that Im married wouldnt stop him?? Sorry, wrong again.
I hold myself to a higher standard than most people do. If a man will cheat with you, he will cheat on you! Therefore, I had decided I would rather be alone and lonely. It just so happened...my husband came to the conclusion that I was the only woman for him! Timing is everything!

Maybe in your case your cheating loser told his wife he never wanted to see you again...and then did. But I can say, my husband hates his ow! In fact, he ended his affair with her before I even knew about it. I saw the emails between them how she was begging him to leave me and he was telling her she knew from the start he loved me and if he still had just a chance to fix things with me..he would.....even after she offered him anal sex and **********!
My husband was always honest with me and he showed me saved text and emails because she was harassing him and he was about to have her arrested for stalking and harassment.
And for the record....everyone knows the truth...I told them even before I met my om and he met the ow that divorce was in our future...just had to get all the ducks in a row!
But, anyway Harrie51....men who want to be good men, do stop their cheating ways...men who learned and who hurt themselves through their own stupidity , will change.
Your married fool, still is a fool! And its a shame when he contacts you , you go have lunch with him! Its too bad you dont raise the bar for yourself and send the cheating bastard home with a boot up his ***!

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I thought my story would have ended up in these stages...but it has not. I see your point though...most often it does go this way. The 2 of us fell in love, he left and we started our life together. 3 years, a marriage and a baby later we are doing great and still as in love as we were the first time we felt it. It was an awful road getting here with lots of bitter hateful people lashing out at us constantly...death threats, you name it...But i think my point here is is that they all dont end tragically...but someone def gets hurt (the ex)....Sometimes I wonder if all of this guilt for her and his kids and all of this hatred towards me is worth our love and being together. I have never known a love like the 2 of us share...we are the perfect couple...

Well, I have to say that the stages that I wrote above I've noticed are sometimes misinterpreted. For example, stage 7 says "the brutal end" most just see that... but miss where I say, the affair, the marriage or both. There are about 350 pages in that book.. so, I clearly don't have the space here!!! LOL. But yes, 1/3 (approx) do leave their spouse. That said 2/3 do not. Of that 1/3... about 1/3 of those work out. You are one of the few... but it DOES happen. Those story's do exist. And you go through stages 8 and 9 to get there! One woman described it as "there will be times that you feel like the hounds of hell are nipping at your feet" and that is similar to what you've described as the path it took to get there. However, I'm happy for you that it seems to all have been worth it and you feel you have found the best and most supportive partner for you. If you've been successful at building a trust between you, you've managed to master more than most will ever find possible. Here's one tally mark on the success board!!!!

Great Post! I think you are absolutely wonderful for sharing this with all of us, dont let anyone tell you otherwise. Keep up the wonderful research! :)

Thank you! I am touched by your comment!

I appreciate what you had to say and honestly feel it's coming from a place of compassion for those who share your own experiences. I in no way felt you were posting a sales pitch, but rather a compassionate ear. Hope everything is well with you and the book.

Thank you, very much. I appreciate your comment greatly!

ha,ha,ha well you will only understand what is being a MISTRESS if you experience that one,and for those who cheat like me,LOL i dont justify if what i did is right or not what i dont understand how a married man still capable of loving and finding someone who feel the same way.....As for your opinion with those women who choose to have an affair with married men or those who are in relationship but still choose to be with the man they desired i think it their choice and everyone know what the consequences afterwards.

Just as an FYI, I read her book. Her story isn't like mine at all, except in the emotions and headspace she was in.<br />
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It's a good book and worth reading. Also unlike many books about OW or Affairs it isn't overly hurtful or cruel. It's helped me a lot.

Thank you Adorable

These stages are BS. That's not my story at all! 13 years. And that's not my story.

13 YEARS..... Yes, it is.

Uh. No it isn't!

Then don't buy the book! Jesus. I've given away more off of this site than I've sold. You are clearly angry and hateful. That has nothing to do with me. I WAS IN YOUR SHOES and the last thing I'm here to do is judge anyone. However, if I were to discern, it would seem you're lashing out.... And that anger comes from not liking what you hear. If everything is going blissful for you... Why not laugh at my post and carry on? The venom implys inner conflict.

I'm confused as to how you've come to the conclusion that my evidence and research is BS and that I'm implying a "one size fits all." when you have no idea what is even in the book as you've clearly stated you've no intention of buying or reading it, number one.

Number two, I simply SHARE my story in the book as to express "hey, I loved a married guy too." not to tell you or anyone else that your story would be mine. In fact, I say that every story is different in it's particulars.

The book is FILLED with research not only of my own but many other notable individuals from their respective professions. The Bibliography sites them. I've also done my own research.

Sites such as this (but not limited too) share other peoples stories for YOUR research. Mine is done.

I conducted my own survey of 130 women involved in affairs from various backgrounds. That's called STATISTIC. The book is filled with over 50 women stories, not just my own. Clinical research from psychologists is also available. etc. In no place does it tell you any "one size fits all" what it does tell you is that there are percentages (Look them up... it's called Google) of various situations that work out etc. Statistically, clinically, the majority of married men will not leave their wives. BUT, some do. There are statistics as to how many mistress turned wives work out. These are all available to you, if you look for them. There is nothing outlandish about anything I've published and nothing that isn't credible or cross-reference-available to you yourself.

I'm also not selling to a group of vulnerable women. I've given away my book (as I already stated) to anyone who's asked from this site. My book sales are through bookstores,Amazon, Kindle.etc. I don't deal with that, I have a publisher who does.

I can handle criticism just fine, by someone qualified to critique. Someone who hasn't even read, researched etc... isn't, petra.

Accusing someone generally sounds hateful.... you've been nothing but accusatory, yet you don't even know what you're talking about. Sorry, but I think most read anger in your "voice."

Rainy.... you still sound bitter. I know that these stages are pretty much on the mark, so if they are not for you, then please share. I would like to know if there is something different.

That is he point Micalle is trying to make and you harrie51, missed it..... we all look for what we can get out of it.... bottom line...lasting versus ending. it's all the same, different picture different colours, but the emotions of everyone involved are the same. Some people are clearly bitter still and they will eventually find peace. It's very hard to read and to take the truth when you are not ready for it. Anger is fear turned inwards.... release it. It is said that my attatched man will be coming back to me, why? I hav'nt a clue why that person would come back. He ended it and I was terribly heartbroken. Am I strong enough to invite him in for coffee, no and I am not sure what I will do if he does. It scarers the crap out of me. Laying in a fetal position crying and wishing God would take me for 6 months straight, is something I am not sure I can take again. It has been 10 months since he ended it and I am still healing.

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Awesome post! I completely agree with you on just about everything you have said here. Did you include women who did marry their married man in your interviews and book? I am curious about the way things turned out for the other woman after she became his wife.

Yes, that research is included as well.

I've been there too. I was the other woman for 13 years. About 7 of them were really awesome. Then he moved away for a job. We talked about me moving too, but I knew I couldn't. He then found someone to replace me and stopped talking to me... As if I never existed all that time.

Excellent summary - touche'. So where do we read your book? Its not self promoting if I asked. Thanks

It's available on Amazon, Barns and Nobel, Nook, Kindle etc etc or w w w being the another woman dot com

I made the devil mad! :)

Why do "Christian" people who have affairs with married people think that God is going to bless you with someone else's spouse? Especially an affair that is a contributor to adultery? You will reap what you sow is true although I guess those people think they are exempt. Most men will not leave their current wife although they will make you believe otherwise. Even if the man does leave and after the initial excitement is gone, he will begin treating the OW like a wife, which will be the beginning of the end. Sooner or later, with bills, snoring, smelly bathrooms, bad breath, farting, resistant step kids, cooking, taking you for granted, reduction in gifts, reduction in "I love you" reduction in excitement, etc., the OW will stop wanting to be with him and he will wonder why he just didn't stay with his wife. <br />
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For marriage to work, the people involved need to be spiritually connected and create a union blessed by God. Unless, I'm reading a different bible than the "Christian Adulterer," dating a married person and committing adultery is a sin by God and will not be blessed. You thinking that your relationship will be different is that sinful/evil spirit that's manipulating your mind to keep you sinning. <br />
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It doesn't take a genius to understand that you wouldn't want someone to have an affair with your husband or wife. So why do it? Why not stand up for what is right and respect his/her spouse? What have they ever done to you? Why not respect God's Word and his commandments? Why not live an honorable life and allow God to bless you with a faithful spouse of your own? Why not commit your life to helping other people, that will give you joy, instead of destroying marriages? <br />
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What's wrong with just doing right?

What most Christian people need to do, is study their own bible. 

John 8:7 

He who is without sin, cast the first stone.

 Matthew 7:1-5 

"Judge not, that you be not judged.  For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you. Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye.

Luke 6:37 

"Judge not, and you will not be judged; condemn not, and you will not be condemned; forgive, and you will be forgiven;

 Romans 14:12-13 

 So then each of us will give an account of himself to God.  Therefore let us not pass judgment on one another any longer, but rather decide never to put a stumbling block or hindrance in the way of a brother.

James 4:11-12 

Do not speak evil against one another, brothers. The one who speaks against a brother or judges his brother, speaks evil against the law and judges the law. But if you judge the law, you are not a doer of the law but a judge. There is only one lawgiver and judge, he who is able to save and to destroy. But who are you to judge your neighbor?

You're aren't 100% off. He probably won't be better for the OW than he was to his wife. But, just like the wife did, love (children, lifestyle, etc) will often keep her there and just like his previous, boredom etc etc may make him wander. Actually, what you wrote sounds almost paraphrased from my book. What I meant was that as he's picking his wife apart for all of the areas shes lacking, eventually he'll stop "dating" the OW and the "norms" will set in. He'll start thinking she "changed" too. Not that he'll go back but that theres a possibility he'll keep chasing the illusive and never consider his responsibility. People don't change. They only grow. Nothing is pin point on the bullseye .... But most is in target range.

Since you're a Christian, if these were members of your church, you'd be obligated to support and forgive- particularly if they married in Gods name. Least we not forget David (Christ lineage) and Bathsheba. Their relationship began as an affair. David killed Uriah, Bathsheba's husband, so that he could have her. He was rewarded by being the greatest king of Israel and an ancestor of Jesus. He was a man described by god himself as a man after his own heart. 

Further, in no place of the Bible does it say a man must marry ONE woman. Throughout the Old Testament there are always multiple wives and in the New, it's just not really clear. So, if you're going to base your beliefs in marriage on a Biblically based theme- you'd better read up. Your concept of marriage is church based, not Bible based. BTW, a quick history lesson will learn you that marriage existed well before Christianity and in numerous Muslim, Hindu, Buddhist etc etc etc cultures and so on.  Therefore a Christian foundation is not essential to a successful marriage. It's a personal choice and one that works well for some people and not compatible to others.

My research includes numerous Christian men who's wives believed they were safe through the shelter of faith. In fact, it is common for people who struggle with "sin" and "temptation" to bury their shame in the "blood of Christ." I assure you that some of the most deviant individuals are sitting next to you on the pew. I've witnessed it since childhood from the Adulterers to the child molesters. I've been a member of two different churches where the PREACHER stepped down from his pulpit after several affairs were discovered.


A true believer does not place themselves in a robe of self righteousness. They are aware "all are sinners and fall short of the glory of God" 

If you're going to preach the gospel, it becomes your duty to become an example. Don't forget who Christ's disciples were! (thieves and ******) 

WWJD? The answer always includes love and compassion.

There are countless faiths. The beauty in all concepts of spirituality is that they are all rooted in love. Sometimes we love the wrong people too deeply. Sometimes we make bad choices. Hate breeds hate. Stubborn, close minded, harsh judgement etc has NEVER solved a problem since the beginning of time. If it were possible to always do what's right..... There'd be no need for a Bible in the first place.

Micalle,<br />
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Your have no idea of how much your response was a blessing to me this morning. I have so much healing to do. One of my very best friends spoke to the MM this past week and I feel that she actually is taking his side. He told her no matter what, I doubted him and accused him of lying. She said he lied to not hurt me and that I was not understanding of him and his life. No, I wasn't. My home life is awful and no I should have never gotten involved, but I did. I fell hopelessly in love with an illusion. He is a wonderful father and person - aside from all of this. I was always on the outside which is where a mistress parks herself. I lived off crumbs of his affection for four years. I have a good career and wonderful children, yet I found myself envious of her and over time it drove me just about nuts. He would say they weren't happy, but I saw first hand that some things were not that bad. Their children wanted them together which is normal. I didn't make the money she did and I knew that bothered him. And would it if he had loved me? So, now I find myself on an island alone, and he has gone back to his loving wife, parents and in-laws - and I have NONE of that. I would tell him all the time how lucky he was to have a blessed life, but he didn't understand. It was all normal for him to have it all. I have lived four years of a lie. I lied to everyone. I have always been an honest, loving, Christian woman and I ended up in this?? Now, that he has wiped his feet and gone on with his life, I am miserable and eat up with many things. I watched him do this very thing to another woman before me. She nearly lost her mind because of him. So, what in the world is wrong with me? I am another victim and yet he is known to be such a wonderful man. Hence is why we have been swept away. Yes, it is hard to not sit around and think of his life while probably thinking what a nut I was. I do have issues, but a nut I am not and no matter what, I refuse to take the blame for the collapse of this toxic relationship. I like everyone else felt that I met my soul mate and love of my life. My marriage was over long before he came along. I clung to the love and attention that I received. I know that people are able to save face in relationships at home at times, I could not do that. I will be praying for everyone on this board as they have come here hurting looking for love and support. This can happen to anyone. I have been a Christian all of my life and I know right from wrong and I know the consequences of sin. We are human and we choose the wrong path at times. I have alot of healing to do. I think very little of myself at this point. Blessings to everyone. God is never finished with us - even sinners like me. That is where we have to draw strength.

Our stories have many similarities brokenspirit. I am a Christian woman. Was sitting home with my near adult children and focusing on my career, when he came knocking on my door. A cherished friend from the past. I trusted him. Saw the signs of those first stages - but thought it would pass and KNEW I would NEVER cross any lines and I trusted him. Interesting, as I look back - it's as if I was being groomed for this - slowly brought along. He told me the marriage was dysfunctional and that they had both left at one point and that she was planning to move out again - and that he was waiting her out. I prayed for them and for restoration of the marriage for awhile - but then found myself falling in love with him. And me, in my mixed up mind - managed to shove that round peg into a square box - to believe that God would bless this relationship - as it was something that was already damaged and as he and I had such a special connection - like no one else. We are all sinners and have fallen short of the glory of God - not just some of us. Him, the wife, their friends who gossip about it, and me. Fortunately, God is loving and forgiving. However, there are the consequences of my actions and allowing myself to fall so deeply for him. I miss him. It's painful to let go of him and all the plans and hopes the two of us had made. It's painful to see him go back to his wife and kids - as the triumphant hero who has returned home to restore the marriage - while I am the bad guy in all of this. How do you move forward from this and get past this - the pain, the guilt, the uncertainty of the future, wondering if there will ever be anyone who you will connect with in the same way, wondering if you're capable of making good decisions about relationships?

Here is the thing - I am in my mid 40s - self supporting, child rearing, etc. I would actually prefer to be the other woman. It takes less time, and honestly, less emotional commitment. I am not willing, or able possibly to give to a single man the time/attention that a married man requires. <br />
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But, I am in stage 1 right now - seriously considering stage 2, and not planning on progressing past stage 3. I don't have the time, nor the energy, to devote to a "real" relationship at this point in my life. But, companionship, good sex, and excitement - I am there for that.

When I met my married man, I was a top producing real estate agent working early morning to late hours, raising two children on my own, taking online courses for my degree and volunteering with children on the weekend. I had NO TIME to give to a relationship. In fact, looking back, I think subconsciously I thought the very same thing with regard to emotional and time commitment. Who knows, I didn't have time to think about it!

My advice to you: DON'T move on to stage two. You'll ruin the fun of stage one. Stage three is encoded into your DNA as a woman and the rest will lead to all of your reasons for considering the circumstances being null and void. Your time, energy and emotions will eventually be consumed by the entire thing and the excitement will transform to anxiety. There are plenty of guys out there looking for friends with benefits..... I'd pick that door.

It is amazing how much alike all of these stories are. And the pain and sorrow that accompany them. I wonder how many Christian people thought never in a million years would they be looking for help like this.<br />
When you are stuck in this mess, and in an unhappy marriage at home, what do you do? You know when the affair ends, you loose those moments of joy and are engulfed by lonliness at home. Then the MM continues on in a blessed life filled with laughing, love and a fullfilled life. They seem to have it all and there you are with nothing. How do you overcome the bitterness and resentment and the constant thinking about what "they" are doing. She never gave up on their marriage. Even though they have had strife for 10 years or more. They share kids, a home, great careers and etc. You have so much less and a horrible marriage and no real support from family. The MM breaks up with you because he says you always doubt him and accuse. Well, he's with her at the most important times and clearly their relationship is better off than your own. How in the world does the one left behind rise above all this hurt and move on? How can he think anyone in this situation would ever be happy? Help

Brokenspirit, I was a Sunday school teacher when I first met and eventually became involved with my MM. I suffered THE EXACT bitterness in his wife choosing to stick it out while I faced public ridicule and scrutiny. I bore the brunt of the blame. I endured HELL for years following. He "chose her" because he said I "always doubted him." I did and I SHOULD have. I was expected to put my needs on hold and understand his "circumstance" and I DID. I did for the pay out of "happily ever after" that I believed was destined to come. He was my soul mate, after all. You think you are talking to a wall. Attempting every which way possible to explain away why you are unable to be happy or fully open to bliss during the time you are together. He doesn't seem to understand. The truth is, he is not interested in your happiness, nor his wife's. He is interested in HIS first and foremost. There are most likely many reasons he is suffering strife in his marriage that you are unaware of. She may have her reasons for being bitter.... that you are only now recently discovering pieces of for yourself. One of them being his selfishness. Stop imagining his blissful happiness and REALLY stop imagining hers. Do you really think she is in an emotional heaven? Would you be? Or would you be a disaster inside? I've recently met a woman who discovered her husbands affair. They have the largest home in my state. Own several businesses. Travel the world. I will tell you that I've yet to meet a more broken, insecure woman. I have NO IDEA why she puts up with it. She has imprisoned herself by her imagination of what life will be like for him without her and so she endures the pain of life with him, constantly trying to be "enough." What you really need to focus on is being happy YOURSELF. My book is available on Amazon. The Kindle version is $4.99. If you are unable to purchase it, you can email me at my first and last name at yahoo or message me on my books facebook page and I will send you the proof copy. I think that you will find a wealth of material that will help you in a lot of the areas you are suffering. From the guilt, the bashing you self esteem has certainly taken, the loss, and most certainly, from feeling that you are alone. Most importantly, you'll find help in letting go and armor for when he comes running the next time the reality of his unhappiness hits him again. You have and deserve more than you have allowed. I hear the "above you" place you have them mentally in your "voice" and you need some self empowering recovery sister.

Micalle -- Your honesty is very refreshing in pointing to the reality of narcissistic selfish found in men who lie, cheat and deceive. So many men (married and single) think that relationships will take care of themselves and do not put in the emotional and intellectual work to communicate well with their wife or girlfriend. My beef with any OW is when the OW blames a wife or girlfriend for a man who strays. More often than not, the wife or girlfriend has done a lot but nothing is ever enough for narcissistic, entitled men. So instead of them working on their relationship, they seek an OW as if they can find what they are looking for without dealing with their own internal issues.

What most OW fail to realize is that the wife or girlfriend does not want to have the OW imposed into their life, but the OW can sometimes be arrogant enough to call a wife or girlfriend as if to say "your man isn't getting his needs met by you," without realizing that the wife or girlfriend knows the man well enough already to not want to keep putting more into the relationship than their husband/boyfriend does. And it never fails that the OW is always jealous of the wife or girlfriend when they man is not quick to leave despite having complained about the primary relationship. And what do stupid OW do? They become hostile toward the wife or girlfriend whom they don't even know, but rarely hold the man accountable.

Plenty of OW have gotten their feelings hurt by thinking they can "take a man" based on the erroneous assumption that the primary relationship is not meeting a man's needs. Instead of blame the wife or girlfriend, these OW need to direct their anger at the man who manipulated them.

Totally understand this situation. Who would ever thought one would be in such situation - the other woman. But we did and i do. <br />
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Now, i am at stage 6 in accordance to your post but i guess i have come to a conclusion that it's going to end soon. We've been back and forth trying to hold on to it. However (sigh), he always ended up to be with the partner again no matter how hard/bad the fight they were having and how many times he said he's done with her. He said he couldnt leave her just like that, its just too painful either way to stay or to leave. <br />
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I dont know what to believe anymore. but i know that I just cannot stand the situation anymore hoping that things will get better between us. It has been hell of emotioanl ride to me. Just too much.<br />
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Recently he decided just to cut off contact with me after i claimed that he's just there to play game with my heart. He simply just ignores me after that and it has been 2 weeks to date. When i was at my weakest time i did send a message to say hi. :(.. i did twice within these 2 weeks and he just totally ignored it..<br />
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it's really sucks. now i am trying my best to let it go because life is short... as much as i want him but i need to be happy.. it hurts really deep but i just couldnt live like this anymore. Hopefully one day, it will be worth all the effort.. till then.. i will keep on trying.. :'-(

Same for me. Ignored. Always ignored. For weeks or sometimes months at a time. I realize that men and women have different needs but how can they be that different?

Girls, the best (and only) way to fall out of love with a bad situation..... is to fall in love with YOURSELF.
Get selfish for a while. Every time you find yourself romanticizing your memories - stop. Eat a bowl of ice cream, go get a massage, take a hot bath - whatever you can do to pamper/baby yourself for a minute. Think of a time you impressed yourself, made others laugh, anything that reminds you of some time you knew you were AWESOME. Stop self depreciating. Once you remember you are great - he sooo won't be worth the mental power your'e tuning over.
And when he texts/calls to your surprise weeks or (for god sake) months FREAKING later I hope you find the right emoticon to send him.

i love this ;)

I totally agree. I have not read your book but I've also been there and you're exactly right. The outcome is more often than not the same. You end up feeling completely alone as you have lost most or all of your friends and the relationship rarely works out. You think he's your soul mate and you throw away everything you have for him. It's a sad state of affairs

Interesting, and your absolutely right it never works out, i have never been with a married man and the thought of ever doing that to another woman makes me sick. I'm going through a divorce beause of infidelity, in fact i've been cheated on by every man i have ever cared about. This is why i am dedicating my life to the wives and girlfriends out there. I've done it for free a few times before i got married, but after my divorced is final i plan on making a career out of catching the ****** that would sleep with you women, before its too late to get out, before you marry him and he breaks your heart. I'm a temptress, or at least i will be along with 6 stunning friends of mine. Think your man will be true? don't bet on it until you call us! I guess in a way i'm alot like you, i seek out married men, im everything they've dreamed about and more, we share a passionate kiss at twilight on a midsummers eve. Slowly his hand starts to tease its way under my shirt, then i get a buzz from my cell phone, his wife has been watching from my pin camera the whole time, and i had her permission for every second of it, its time the good women in this world fought back.

yes i agree i need to find out why i keep getting cheated on, really i can't blame any of them except my husband though, guys in highschool play the field. And as for what i have to offer a man i was good to my husband i didn't bother him with household crap, i was ready and willing whenever he wanted sex and im fantastic in bed, things changed after our son was born, he stopped wanting to sleep with me as much, I knew i shouldn't have let him watch the birth, it went from everyday to twice a month like flipping a switch. I guess he saw me more as a mother from that point. But he should have left me rather than cheat, i would rather be beaten than be cheated on thats how much i hate it. I do what i do so that women who want a good man can find one without investing 6,10,20 years of their lives before finding out their man is a cheater, and yes there are men who pass my test, there are actually good men who would never sleep with you!

Whether or not she is a "common tramp" is irrelevent. While I agree that some behavior is causing her to attract the wrong crowd. I could sleep with 100 men, some would be the sweetest things in the world while others would be total pigs. Promiscuity has nothing to do with who she is sleeping with. You are obviously uncomfertable with your own sex life or you wouldn't post such an awful thing.

i don't sleep with them, their wife is watching the whole time and she tells me how far it needs to go before I meet the target. I have another woman with me at the bar or wherever the wife says hubby is going to be that night. And a very big security guard waiting in a car in the parking lot. Usually 1 kiss is enough, sometimes they want you to go to a hotel with them first just to prove they would, some guys who would kiss a girl at a bar, wouldn't go all the way, either way the security guard follows you to the hotel along with the guys wife sometimes, but i have a strict nothing past second base rule. And no im not uncomfortable with my sex life at all, i just know how wifey feels i with i had known what kind of pig i was marrying before i gave him my heart. and i won't get serious about another guy again unless he passes my little test, like i said before not all men cheat, some men would never cheat on their significant other, even if pamela anderson or carmen electra propositined them, and next time i want one of those!! And i help other women find out how prone their man is to cheating, its sad, really, most of the time you don't even have to try all you have to do is sit next to them any they'll strike up a conversation, and they'll be the one flirting profusely then they'll lean in for a kiss and presto your work is done. Its just so easy, and by the way we women who do this don't look like tramps 9 times out of ten, its really more about the mind game than what you look like, we are expert conversationalists.

How do you end it if he works with you?

Here is an exert from my book regarding this subject:

I found one thing to be very common in both my interviews and research, and that is a great portion of women who are having affairs with married men are having affairs with their married co-worker. In almost every one of these cases, when the affair ended the other woman found
it extremely difficult to continue being forced to see him regularly in their work environment. It was too painful for her. This wasn’t the only issue that she was left to deal with. A lot of these dumped mistresses also suffered ridicule and gossip from other co-workers. Her married
lover was not about to leave his job. He has a family to support after all.
Further, he isn’t emotionally suffering as much as his tossed lover. He hasn't been left alone. He still has a wife to go home to. The standoff over who is going to leave the company really doesn’t leave the former mistress much of an option. In most every case where an affair existed between co-workers, it was the other woman who was left to give up her job for the sake of her sanity.

Excellent post. Exceptional. And the most poignant part...<br />
<br />
"A woman will always receive the height of what she demands/expects. As long as you tolerate/accept less than you deserve and don't trust that you deserve a whole man, you'll never have more than half."<br />
<br />
I wouldn't mind reading the book.

Recommendation* a group called I hate cheaters*

Hi Feb, I don't hate cheaters and I'm very sorry if you interpreted my post to say even remotely close to such.
Here is my book description for clarification:
In 2002, Micalle was swept off her feet by a man who spoke rapturous words to her heart, whisked her away to exotic locations, and made her laugh to no end. Like kindred souls, the two connected instantly, leading to a euphoric romance. The catch: He's married. As one promise after another was broken, the storybook love affair began to unravel. Wrought with confusion, Micalle set out to discover how she could have allowed passion to overrule logic and wondered about the likelihood of their situation resulting in happily-ever-after. The other woman, Micalle discovered, walks into an affair blind and leaves wishing she were. Worse, there is hardly a book on the shelf to comfort her, awaken her, or better yet; stop her from making a disaster of her life. Finding little material to glean from, Micalle began asking her own questions. What she found was that her experience wasn't entirely unique. This epitome led to several years of research into the triangle of affairs and who the other woman really is. Being the Other Woman was written to illuminate her path. In sometimes humorous but often painful detail, Micalle gives the raw story of her own affair, countless interviews from women who became mistresses, and research into the psychology of the other woman and the man who cheats. What is really going on in the mind of the mistress? Her lover? His wife? Being the Other Woman will help the reader identify in what type of affair the other woman is involved and provide guidance as to whether or not the husband will really leave his wife, how to make smart relationship decisions, and how to heal from the tremendous pain one is bound to experience either by being the other woman or having one in your life.

My story is heartfelt from the perspective of having been there. Deeply

Wow, I realy misunderstood u! Sorry about that

No problem! Actually, I'm glad you posted that or I would have never thought of that it could be interpreted another way and this gave me a chance to be more clear.

Thank you, I would be very interested in reading...how do I get a copy?

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