I Fall For Him All Over Again, Every Time He Holds Me Close

I get so confused. When he can't see me, I seem to try and let go of him a little bit in my heart, trying to protect myself. I move along and try not to think of him as much, then we get some time together and I fall in love all over again. I know its not fair to me, to his wife, or even to him. I keep telling him I should let him go. Something won't let me. I need him. I know he needs me too. We fill an empty place in each other's hearts, not to mention the passion we share. Day at a time is our motto. I am happy in his arms. He doesn't love me enough to leave her, but he loves me and I love him. How can something so wrong, feel so right? I can only take it a day at a time, otherwise I'll go crazy.
AnnieLor AnnieLor
51-55, F
2 Responses May 1, 2012

I'm sorry, dear. :( Believe me, if you let him go altogether it's short term pain for very long term gain. I used to talk like you, too. Then I discovered too late that you never hear the happy endings in these situations for a reason. Following the statistics we can only hope, but we know and you know realistically there's no future for you. Are you willing to accept that in order to assign yourself to one guy's organic needs? Some women are fine with it. I had an aunt who vacationed with her Italian lawyer for years while he lied to his wife. She really loved him enough to never have her own children. She never had a wedding--not even when he became a widower.<br />
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You owe it to your parents and siblings and friends and family to make this life the best you can. And I know it is like being on drugs--and the wrong kind at that. Gosh, sometimes it is the challenge of getting the ultimate approval from a guy that is addicting. You might stop seeing him for a while and see how you feel. Don't tell him anything but give yourself a goal of a two month break. Then make a bucket list or volunteer. That really helped me because suddenly I was getting those feel-good endorphins from other sources. You deserve real love you can shout at the top of your lungs, not love that gives the negatives: frustration, hurt, shame. Just imagine the real Prince Charming is out there somewhere and when you meet, neither of you will doubt that you love each other enough to do anything. Good luck and hugs to you, hang in there.

By the way, I didn't mean to insinuate that I am judging people like my aunt. If you go that route I wouldn't judge you either. You'd just have to make the personal rule to never make, or even gently push, him leave his wife. ;)

I know you are right in all that you say. I have actually started my "bucket list". I have joined a friends group in my area. Just to make friends, not men, but just people to do things with. I have my kids that come 1st of course. I like your idea of not seeing him. I know he won't leave her. I desire his love, and I benefit in many ways in this situation. I don't have to take care of him or do his laundry, etc ! LOL :), but he is the best lover I've ever been with, and we still have a bucket list of stuff to finish. I know what you're getting at, and I'm not sure how I feel about this long term. I was in an unhappy marriage for a long time, and he helped me to get out of it (not the best way to do that). Well, I don't want to be married again. I'm not sure what I want really. I do know I miss him horribly. It is confusing. Thank you so much for your insight. I just love the way he holds me....ya know what I mean?

I totally understand. in my case the wife found out and its caused total destruction.<br />
As the song goes " if loving him is wrong I don't want to be right"<br />
I lived by that phrase now I have to live with the fact iv destroyed so many innocent lives.<br />
Good luck I totally sympathize with what u are going through.

I know what you mean! The song I think of is, "It's sad to belong to someone else when the right one comes along". My spouse told his spouse so we refer to that day as "the blow up". We are in love and we can't be together. When we do have some time, it is always amazing! :) So, that's what we've got to work with. Yes, though. It destroys many. Believe me, the guilt about that is horrible. His wife was actually my friend too. I lost her, I lost my life as I knew it, even though I wasn't happy with my marriage. Everything blew up! You hang in there too ok?