My Sisters Husband

I secretly became involved w/my sisters husband. he took my virginity, and gave me my first kiss. I just hope people on here dont judge me to hard on here, cause i do enough of that on myself, and other people who i feel are just focusing on that part...because it was with my SISTERS husband. Basically, she found out, and our whole family but ive been going thru sooooo much. Its hard too cause hes always gonna be in our lives, they recently had twins.


I say dont judge me only cause my story is sooooooo complex, and confusing, and painful. And deep down, I know im a good, moral person despite my ONE big mistake. (or am i?) Sometimes i feel so dirty, and so worthless, and gross..i cant even look at myself in the mirror. I was gonna write out my story infull, but it'll take too much time/energy. And to be honest, i dont know how to stop this pain. And its so hard to just take other peoples advice when they say sever all contact w/him...he was my first LOVE....well physically and emotionally on some level anyways. and im not gonna lie, i have SOME feelings for him still...but i just want to find peace...and REAL love, any suggestions on getting over this hurdle?

I made arrangements to go see a counselor, but right now am on a waiting list.

myfirstlove myfirstlove
31 Responses May 22, 2008

when that special person comes into your life you'll have all this behind you. that one is out there for you. try to be patient and love will find you.

I am not sure how the secret got out but I would have seriously worked overtime to go to my grave with this one. This is wow! Are they still married

You will be ok, angel. Try to be nice to yourself. If a little kid told you this happened to them, what would you say? You'd hold her and tell her no, she is not worthless, she is special and beautiful, you would list all her good qualities to her, and you would protect her. Go look at pictures of yourself when you were little. That's still you. And if no one else is going to protect her, you have to do it. Don't be letting that voice in your head that says mean things to you run the whole show. Its a hard time right now, but practice noticing when you automatically say mean things to yourself and ask yourself are those really the things you want to be saying to yourself. Sending love

Wow don't be so hard on yourself. It takes two to tangle.If you gave your sister and your family a sincere apology I am sure with time this will work it self out. How did you two get caught? are you sure there were no ulterior motive on his part?

I know im a good, moral person are you ******* kidding me

Wow, I am not judging but damn girl you are making it hard! Best of luck.

Just wait till your sister finds out. She will be doubled betrayal and prepare yourself. Your brother in-law is a predator to take your virginity and he is getting off on all that and not in a good way.

In my opinion. You're first will always be the hardest, but it's in my opinion puppy like love. Someone out their is really willing to be their in every way possible, you're first will always be special its ur first time and all that junk but ive founs out its not stable love, youd be better off finding that someone who is able to be with you and provide for alll your needs, you don't need him youre a beautiful woman on your own you shouldnt feel that way in a mirror every woman has inner beauty and when you find that you will shine so bright you wont be able to look in the mirror because of how beaitufl you are. so go have fun in datingand fining that somone thats not him.

Ask them if you were adopted!

What a lucky dude. I'd love to bang either of my wife's sisters. I get weak in the knees thinking about having been lucky enough to have popped their cherries as well! I've always wondered whether sister have similar looking, smelling, and tasting vajayjays.

you made a mistake. And you know that what you did IS wrong...there is no secret anymore since everyone knows.
Don't see it as a bad thing but as a learning experience
you know who you are seeing as you know what you did and that it in fact was a mistake
What's done is done ask for forgiveness and move on and away from feeling anything from him
Stop all thoughts about him and just consider it a mistake everything's already out in the open the only thing left to do is for you to move on
I know it sounds easier said then done but it is something you need

I am also in love my sisters husband en we are deeply inlove if you know what i mean. We love each other so much some times we cant even help our selves. And im scared of watz gonna heppen wen de secret is out.

I have a similar situation, but I was old enough to know better and married. But yet I had a 3 1/2 year affair with my brother in law which whom not always got along with. I understand everything you said in your letter. My sister and husband found out January of 2012 and it was pure HELL. Even though her husband and I knew we could get caught it was like it wasn't real. Ours was on and off and when it was off I felt used and worthless, but when it was on again I felt good. when i actuallity i should have felt bad. It was like I wasn't myself. My sister told me she hated me, she hit me, she told me she hoped I rotten in hell, she spit on me. and I took it all the first time. the 2nd time not so much. But my point is that my sister who is 6 years younger than me (her husband is 1 year younger than me) is that anything is possible with God. This started while we were in church but we all got out of church slowly. But the reason I say God is it could only be by God's grace in which we are trying to rebuild our relationship. My sister could hold a grudge like crazy. I thought i had lost her and my nephew who i love like my own forever. But my sister and I are working on rebuilding our relation ship. Its hard. There are days i don't want to look in the mirror much less face her. My husband and her husband were best friends. We always spent time together. Even when we had the affair it wasn't all about sex.....we actually had fun family times with the whole family. I felt lost and lonely and somedays the only reason i got up was because I have a child that doesn't know about this and I had to face what I have done and move forward. We are all in counselling (except my husband - he has forgiven me) me and him did have some issues. We have been married 14 years when this started. My sister and her husband had been married 11 years. We did EVERYTHING together. I know how it started and i know i should have told him NO and i didn't at any point. I enjoyed the things we did. But it was disgraceful not only to ourselves but to our spouses and families. I love my brother in laws family more that i do my husbands family. so it was devastating to everyone. It was always the same. WHY HIM? I got no idea. Him and my husband have actually gotten mistaken for the other one they do kinda look alike in a way. I still love my brother in law (i have made this plain to my sister and my husband) but i don't love him in "that" kind of way. I don't want him for mine, but he has been family for so long that i do care about him. And although there were the "off" times i missed it like crazy. I can honestly say that since we have been found out and i have seen the devastation on my husbands face (and more so my sisters face) I practically raised her. I love her so so much and don't know how i could have done this to her. I know this is long and drawn out and you probably don't want to hear it..... but there is hope out there. I do see a counsellor and it helps. My sister and I are working on our relationship. She still says she don't want to see me and her husband in the same room (she hasn't decided if they are going to work it out - my husband and I are) I understand it. She said to set small mini goals. My nephews big birthday is coming up in a few months so hopefully by then whether they are together or not we will all be able to attend. (If not. I will stay home) I feel like i deserve to hurt and not worthy. But I am changing that. I am trying to learn to forgive myself. I don't know if that will ever happen, but there is hope. I promise you ...that if my sister can talk to me after a month or so there is hope for anyone. Remember to take it honest....and get you some counselling help. I think maybe me telling you this has helped me a little as well... because I too believe i am a good person with good morals --- but i made some BAD choices in my life these last few years. I can't change it - all i can do is hold my head up high and face the consequences of my actions and know that God loves me no matter what. Good Luck.

Let me tell you as a former therapist that you have some issues you need help with before you get into anymore relationships.

I have been through the same thing. Had my first kiss, lost my virginity - EVERYTHING to my sister's husband. <br />
This went on for about about a month - I did not think at all and neither did he.<br />
He and I broke off the relationship and then the guilt of how I hurt my sister really got to me.<br />
I couldn't take it any more. He wanted to lie, I didn't. Trusting him, he and I got into a deep conversation about telling my sister the truth. The day the truth came out, he denied it ALL. <br />
To this day, he still denies it and he is using my sister because he has no job and he KNOWS that she will leave him if he ever reveals the truth. My sister believes him. The ONLY proof I had was a family member whom he revealed it to and my sister did not believe our relative either.<br />
I have been severely haunted by this. Like everyone else, I feel like crap. I constantly feel filthy like total scum and there is NOTHING anybody can say that will make me feel worse. <br />
I know I have to learn to forgive myself but I can't forgive or even excuse what I did to my sister. <br />
I really messed up. I made a huge mistake. Mistakes and regrets happen. That is why we are here, to learn and grow from our mistakes. God gave us free will didn't He? <br />
Events like this happen all the time, more than we know. <br />
This is something we CAN let go. This is something we CAN fight, a lot of this has to be the WILL to do it. It is very difficult though but it can be done. It is all a matter of will power.<br />
It is tough for me because I tried so hard to get my sister to believe me. Her husband got away with it scott free. Just knowing that he is living it up using her so he has a place to stay, food to eat, etc., tears me apart because this is going to continue for what has seemed like forever...<br />
THIS is my daily punishment for what I did...because I was stupid and didn't think...

I don't care what any one says about this. They can call you disgusting, immoral, and an awful person. But I have been in LOVE with my sister's husband for a while now. I have known him forever, even before she knew who he was. and we always liked each other but never said anything to one another. Well, he and my sister got married and had a child together. She began to cheat on him and she kicked him out and TOLD HIM TO MOVE IN WITH ME. which was no problem, we were good friends. Well all those built up feelings just exploded and we ended up having sex. I love him more than I have ever loved anyone, he's my best friend. He is still in the process of getting a divorce Im just ready for it to be over with. But in reality NO ONE can know about our love for each other. At first I felt disgusting like HOW THE HELL CAN I BE DOING THIS TO MY SISTER? I love my sister very much. I know its wrong, but I can not ignore my feelings for this m an. Hes amazing and treats me like a woman should be treated. So now u know u can relate to at least one person in the world.

Been there done that.... My case is similar, except that they were separated when he seduced me. She found out she was pregnant, after they broke up.. and the other difference is that he is in love with me. We had a secret relationship for about 4 years, which to this day nobody knows about. It is very painful to go through something like this...and I understand everyone who has posted on this. I want to say that you should never feel so low about yourself, it is important to understand that he has more to blame that you do. HE is the one that should not have looked at you that way, because he is supposed to see you with innocence and like his wife's sister. I believe your sister is making a mistake by staying with him, but with time she will probably realize that. Another thing, do not talking to him anymore... I know it's hard but you have to understand you cannot keep being his toy. Talking to him or seeing him alone will only hurt you more...since he is still with your sister. If he really cared about you in any way, he would apologized and stop talking to you OR maybe if he really loved you in a way he would leave your sister and do anything ANYTHING to be with you. He has done neither, so he really is just using you. Trust me... I hope everything works out for you and for all who are going through the same thing.. xxoo

I am in the same situation as you. I'm just a teenage girl that time. One night, he suddenly kiss me. My every first was taken by him. I ever try to end it but he just keep on convince me and my heart melts again. Well, the worst part is we got found out and I was accused for seducing him. So, everyone blame me. He begged my sister and do whatever to win my sister back again. He lied to my sister that how I seduce him. He is just ******* *******. how a teenage girl with no experience in love relationship can seduce a married man? My sister hates me and we don't talk anymore. As for my sister's husband, he treat me like I'm a used material not even look at me. Even flirt with my sister right in front of me. I feel hurt, for so long. It has been 3 yrs I still can't going through this. <br />
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My advice to those who still having affair with their sister's husband, please stop to do so. You will end up like me.

i have been in a very similar situation for over 6 yrs now. i would like to know if there are others out here going thru this. it is the hardest thing i have ever been thru.

hi myfirstlove, how have u been coping since all this hapened? these posts are very old. i ask because i am in a very similar situation to you...

no your sister will never forgive you. I should know I am a sister that was double crossed by my own sister. Your sister will be in pain over it for the rest of her life. She will never ever understand why her own blood would cause her so much pain. Will she love you...always.... hence the pain continues.. will she speak to you as years pass...yes... but will that deep seated pain ever go away ? no.. It's been 30 years since my sister broke my heart. And although the shock has long passed the pain in my heart remains.. What you have done will last a life time. I think you need to love yourself again and know that you will never make it up to her. You can only move on and try to live your life to the best of your abilities. For whats it's worth I wish you luck.

Well, the therapist was weird and I didn't like him. So, I have another therapist booked on Thursday now! Hopefully this one isn't a weird one. I am just hanging in there for now... keeping busy with my daughter. I do feel that somehow things will be ok, right now. I just have to keep going one day at a time! I will let you know whats happening! ;)

WOW! I know you are right.... I am actually on my way to see a therapist right now! Finally! I will keep you posted and again thanks for "listening" when I needed someone!

Oh boy oh boy.... I do not have the answers to those questions. I know what my heart wants... but the right thing is a whole other story! My husband loves me soooo very much he is willing to forgive me! The problem there is I wouldn't have done what I had done if I were happy with our marriage. We have disappointed each other (him more than me, and that is why he is wiling to take me back) He is a big hearted person but is also very selfish. He demands sex from me and has actually raped me before! He has deeply hurt me. <br />
So, he has his first Psychiatry appointment today! <br />
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I know (to be honest) I am in love with Jack. And I know he is in love with me..... I would like to be with him!!!! But he isn't willing to do that because of his two kids and other factors. I talked to him and told him that there isn't a way that my sister could ever forgive him.... and he is crazy if he thinks she will! He is moving out of the house today! I feel like in a way he has used me, however I am NOT a fool and I know (I can see it) he is in love with me! I feel like I am getting pulled in all sorts of directions! My feelings for Jack will not change and he is telling me that I am his only love but he cares for my sister and wants NOW to do the right thing! I am pretty upset with him as I feel like I am his second choice if it doesn't work out with them! I do understand trying to work it out..... the differnce for me is that I can barely stand my husband! I do love him and everything is fine until he wants to kiss me or touch me! That is a big problem that I don't know if I can work through! Maybe with counsilling, and for the sake of our daughter... I can manage something with him! He told me yesterday that he can wait to have sex with me for as long as it takes (don't know about that) and he will sleep in the guest room however long it takes... he just wants me back home! (I am staying at my mom's now) <br />
The other part of this story that you don't know is that Jack just lost his job about a month ago 350,000.00 a year. He has severence pay for 8 more months but Jack and my sister (and myself and husband) have been working on starting our own company.... things were starting to fall in place. Jack needs my sister to get this company up and running (that is what she does). My husband and I were going to be their electrical contractors for the company. We had just landed a 10 million dollar contract! So, on that side note..... I think Jack is scared not to have a plan/job without my sister, I could never do what she does. However, he can another job with out starting another company. It's just that we realized how much money we could've made in starting a new company. He had been with the same company for 15 years! So....... it's an ugly situation! There are a lot of factors!<br />
Another one is my daughter and my niece are very close and best friends...... they talk about each other all the time and never fight (they are 3 and 4 years old) If JAck and I were together they would be able to still be able to get together with whatever custody choices come out. However I think with my mom she would be able to get both girls together! I feel bad for all parties involved but I thought that when this would all come up Jack and I would just say "We are so sorry, but we are in love" and then we would all deal with what to do. Jack has backed out on me and it really hurts! Although, he did tell me he will have to try with my sister for the kids sake and he has told me that for some time. I told him I probably would not try with my husband. He was worried I'd find someone else if that were the case. AGH! I need to get some therapy very very soon! I do have to say this though : there isn't doubt in my mind about how Jack feels about me. It just hurts! I know he is in love with me..... we would've NEVER done this if we weren't in love! Neither of us are like that.... I would have not risked losing my sister and everything just for an affair! I am so frustrated and sad and angry and sooooo many things! I worry so much about my sister and I am so scared of her too. She is a Scorpio and she can hurt you like no other if she wants too! I am NOT a fighter, I am a lover! So, that day will come and I am scared!<br />
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Thanks for "listening"! Could use all the help I can until I get to a therapy session! Which I still don't have a date yet, but hopefully today!

Thank you for your post. We are all going to start counseling ASAP. I still have not spoke to my sister.... she did leave me a very hurt and angry message (which I deserve and so does she). Both Jack and my sister have already started thier counseling already. My husband has one (previously scheduled) On Tuesday. I am trying to figure out what my insurance covers right now.... so it really is hard for me! However I am not as alone as I thought.... more and more of my friends are calling me and even my cousin all saying that they love me and it will be ok! I was so worried everyone would hate me. <br />
I know I can never be sorry enough for what I have done!!!!!! I am worse than scum for what I have done to my family especially my sister.... she didn't deserve this! I truly want her to be happy with every part of me. She hasn't been for 8 years. I am sure I didn't help the situation, I realize that!<br />
MAN! I can't wait to get to my first counsiling session!

I am so alone right now. My best friend told everyone that I have been having an affair with my sisters husband for the last 2years and that we are in love. It's true.... I have been and we are in love! Our stories are different but similar and I need someone to talk to. My whole family and all my friends are not talking to me. This all came out on Sunday and it's almost been a week now. I am married with a 3 1/2 year old. My sister and I have been very close and she is soooooo hurt! She has two kids also. I know that I have done something VERY WRONG! I couldn't help it, I loved him the second we met and we waited 10 years before doing anything about it! My life is hell right now and I feel like a piece of sh**! I am lucky the at least my mom understands and I am staying at her house right now, I also have another best friend that understands and has known about our love, but I can't talk to her because her mom past a month ago and she is devasted. I don't want to burden her even though she has been there for me anyway. I am not a bad person. I am a good person, besides this. I never wanted to hurt anyone. I feel so alone and sad. I know my sister is going through hell. I am usually the one she comes to when she needs someone to talk to.... I was her best friend! I am so sorry for what I have done. I fell in love with him a long time ago. I married my husband knowing I didn't love him but it didn't matter because I knew who I loved and would never have him... My husband loves me soooooo much he is willing to forgive me and wants me to come home. I still love my sisters husband (Jack) and he loves me too. We are trying to reconcile our marriages for our children but this really hurts. I talked to him everyday and he is my soul mate. I need him in my life desperately. Especially because I have lost so much. All three of my sisters and my 2 brothers as well as almost all of my friends. I have never been so alone. I know I deserve it but it hurts so much!

well i went to my first counseling appointment yesterday, i just talked alot, and she asked me some questions and wrote alot down. we didnt get into too much, and she at the end said her case load was to big, so next time i would go see someone else, so joy, i'll probably have to meet and re-explain everything next time all over again.<br />
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Before counseling i did talk to my brother in law before on the phone. we had a good convo really. i just told him how i was feeling, and it felt good to get things off my chest or at least tell him over the phone and not a nasty email. he told me, when i was like, its been over a month and u still havent seen me, but u can go to my sisters and have sex with her up til a week and a half ago, and can talk to other girls. If u cared about me you would have made more effort to see me etc. <br />
<br />
and his reply was, you know i cant just go up to your door, and knock and say can u come out. its not like that with us. he doesnt want to get caught again with my dad...cause if my dad finds out he says things will be real bad. so he suggested i take a bus to go see him. since he doesnt want to drive all the way to where i live. personally i think that is a cop out. he could drive in to see "his kids" and wife, and have sex w/her, but not go out of his way once or twice, and TRY to see me. <br />
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part of me believes he feels this way, like about not wanting to get caught w/me. he said everyone is now watching you. another part of me just cant UNDERSTAND! I just cant understand anything, and its so confusing. <br />
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he called me again today, i missed the call, then called him back and told him to never call me again..and hes like, i thought we had a good conversation yesterday, and i said yes, but i dont like you, and hes like..really? and i said yes, and i said i cant be nice, and just hung up. if only i could be FRIENDS w/him...but im too angry, to mad, too jealous, to everything w/him. one minute im nice, the next im mean, and want him to jump off a bridge or something.

tomorrow is my counseling date, im so excited. this week is gonna be about me. i hope she is not too judgmental on me. i hope to work on my own self-esteem, and ways to be happy again. he makes me feel so used, so worthless, so ugly, almost like a piece of trash, like a ****.............i CANT let him make me feel like this anymore. And put this behind me. Find someone who LOVES me, and doesnt just want some action. i feel bad for him, part of me, he's doing that to himself, and must realllly not care. like i could never just have sex with random people. i think he's the one who needs counseling more than me, but hes infected me now...and my whole family.

Its funny people mention the drug use thing, cause after we were "exposed" and i havent seen him in awhile, and once he refused to see or hang out w/me, ive felt like a drug addict. I went thru this period of like a withdrawl, deeeeeep depression. I just needed him. he served some purpose for me, and inside i was suffering from this all alone. I havent seen him since May 8, 2008, and tho those "side effects" withdrawls are still there, even more so than before, its now turning towards a deep hatred towards him. Like he can go out and be w/other girls (including making time to see and have sex w/my sister) but not see me. I was used, plain and simple, and he was like my DRUG, so me and you FancyShannon are kinda alike. You know, even before we were exposed and i wanted to "quit" him, something just wouldnt let was very difficult, as right or moral, quitting him would have been. i got angry, and suffered withdrawls when he didnt work, and i didnt get to talk to its all the time. its hard to explain

ok let me jump in. i dont want people to get upset or angry at what others have to say cause it IS so very complex, and i wouldnt be writing if it was a "normal" story others would just relate to. see, i have no one to relate to, which makes it 100000x more difficult for me. which is my own fault. <br />
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and to answer the question, why my sisters husband? i dont know! its really that simple, ive always been attracted to him, always.......and knowing he was married to my sister, always felt WRONG...even tho we never really got along, and i almost hate her to begin with. i confessed my feelings one night when he was at work, just cause things were getting weird between us..cause of my random mood swings. he moved in w/my sister and i got to see him like all the time, and was lonely maybe thats what did it????????<br />
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we continued talking online almot everynight..just random talk, nothing personal or sexual....alittle bit about my feelings....then the day after my sister gave birth to her twins, he came to get me the next morning so i could see them. that was our first time we got to talk ALONE since i confessed online to him. well that night he went back to work, i went home, and he asked me if he liked our chat in the car, then asked if i wanted to chat some more, cause we never get to be alone to talk...and so i agreed to go to his apartment to talk some more, since my sis was in the hospital, and there, he like turned on the tv, then kissed me. i just thought he wanted to talk, and got all emotional cause he knew i liked him. he wanted to do more then what i wanted or was ready for.......i got so emotional, saying somethings wrong w/me...for 24 years, me not having a boyfriend/kissing a guy. i felt so much guilt, so much pain, i got up and went out on the balcony to fasten my bra, while he took a shower. i felt so dirty. he got back to bed, and i just sat on the couch in the other room by the christmas tree lights crying..he never came to talk to me...i felt so used.............i just ended up falling asleep. he dropped me home the next morning.<br />
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after that day, i felt so used, so worthless, so dirty.....and he made me feel better just by talking.<br />
<br />
but online is when things started getting heated. our chats just turned towards that...........from that one night, and at first i didnt want to see him again, i was so embarrassed from the day before, but eventually i just started feeling so used. he suggested it, and i gave in...he wanted to get a hotel one night, but that fell thru, and i never rescheduled. so the next night...i went over to his house to help him w/something and he told his wife once she was sleeping if we could go somewhere. he had to buy something, so i just thought thats where we were going, but he took me somewhere, after asking me if i still wanted to, and he took my virginity....<br />
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since then, whats made this so complex was the fact my mom watches one twin, and he would be working, and every night almost, or a couple times a week, he would ask me if i wanted to come out. he works real late. i would meet him a couple times, but it became hard to sneak out, and my emotions became too involved.<br />
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anyways, theres still wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy more to this story, but i doooo deserve everything i got. there were some hidden signs from God i think during when this all my cell phone dropping when he was about to call when i already escaped.....and other things, driving parallel to my mom and stopping at a stop sign, and her not seeing me when he was driving me somewhere. so much. <br />
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and hes an *** cause i keep learning even after my sister and him knew about me........they are still having sex and kissing etc. what a scumbag...and since ive told he hasnt even asked to see me. i know he was just using me, not like i would see him again, but its just the point..hes gross.<br />
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my sister actually came over the house today, and we went swimming w/the babies in the pool, it was the 1st time since she found out about us, we talked ALITTLE! <br />
<br />
i hate her husband tho sometimes so much for taking advantage of me. at least thats how i feel....what he did.

Well this Tuesday I have my first counseling session. I cant wait. This "affair" has messed up my whole life.....i feel like such scum. Anyways, i can only go forward.