Don't Know What To Do With The Hurt

I'll try to make a long story short:

I am a married woman who was in a year long A with another MM.  We knew each other for a year or two before our A started, so we built our A from a friendship.  Everything just seemed to be working out perfectly.  We seemed to have a very deep connection and wonderful communication.  We would talk all day long by text, first thing in the morning until right before going to bed.  We were very emotionally involved.

Unfortunately, it all ended suddenly a couple weeks ago.  His W discovered an old affair.  This was an affair he apparently had years ago-long before ever meeting me.  Because she discovered this old A, he has ended it with me to a) protect me from getting involved and b) because she threatened to take the kids if she ever caught wind of there being another woman.  Basically, he has chosen to work on his marriage.  They have returned to marriage counselling (they were seeing someone off and on during our A and before our A even started).  He also had to agree to get personal counselling.

I am struggling with these turn of events a lot.  I feel like I have hit a brick wall.  It's different when a relationship ends mutually, but it wasn't heading in that direction at all.  Everything was great!  I even think I would have a much easier time accepting this if it were me who messed up.  If I had sent a text at the wrong time, or had been over when his W came home....if it had been me who was caught.  But I was always respectful of the boundaries and did everything to avoid jeopardizing anyone.

I know I don't want him to lose his children  They are his world.  And really, I don't think I want him to lose his wife.  I have no intention to leave my H for him either.  But I miss the way it was.

I just don't know what to do with the hurt anymore.  I do well some days, and then other days I am in so much pain. 

Lastly, we are still in contact.  When he ended it, I told him I would not be initiating contact with him.  I have deleted his info from my phone to make it easier for me to not contact him, and I have stuck by this every day so far.  However, he continues to still text me.  We have had some days where we have talked all day long.  We won't talk into the evening anymore when his W is around.  And we have NC on weekends, but during the week when he is alone, we will talk.  It hasn't been every day, but most.  Our conversations are awkward at times-like we both sense the elephant in the room-grasping at things to talk about, but other times we are joking around like we used to.

I can't decide what this is doing to me.  I am always so happy when I hear from him.  I enjoy talking to him, but I also have this feeling of saddness when I do as well because the undertone of our conversations is so different now.  I can't help but think, "Why are we doing this?  What is the point?  What are we trying to accomplish by continuing to talk and remind ourselves of what we had and how different things are now?"  I don't know why he is continuing to contact me to talk.  And the fact that he is still doing this behind his W's back....does it make it that much different now because it's just a friendly conversation?

Thanks for talking the time to read this.

sweetberrie sweetberrie
6 Responses May 12, 2012

I have had the same - those texts keep one alive, elated, interested, just to have someone to talk to about everyday things, to have a connection. Totally understand - and when its gone you can't live without it. All my sympathies.

I think that is part of my problem-that it isn't completely gone. He still contacts me often to talk, but our conversations are just very reserved now. Basically he ended the sex, but still expects to have me around to talk to whenever he feels like it and still be involved in my personal business. I just don't understand. If he's made a decision to fix things at home, why does he continue to want to contact me after a year long sexual/emotional affair? I just feel like he's trying to torture me and doesn't understand that he's rubbing salt in my wounds. Does he honestly believe we can just become "buddies" overnight?

Yes, I understand that it has't stopped, but I also mean from his point of view as well - that's why he doesn't want to stop it, he needs that connection of someone to talk to, even if he doesn't want to cheat. Yes I know it is still a form of cheating, but in his mind it is possibly more acceptable than sleeping with you, if he only talks to you. Its a sort of compromise for him to still get the conversation he needs. Been there. Done that.

I see what you're saying now and I totally agree. It's difficult to have a situation where you have someone to talk to all day everyday, and then nothing at all. He texted me on Monday and I did not return any of the texts. It was very difficult. There were many times throughout the day where I pulled out my phone and fought the urge to respond. I have not heard from him since now. I'm not sure how I feel about what I did. I know I miss the conversations as well, but eventually I'm going to need the strength to move on from this. I don't think it will be possible if we are still in contact. I gave this man everything I had. I have never revealed myself to anyone and made myself so vulnerable. Not even my husband. I hide within myself to avoid getting hurt (as I have been badly hurt in the past). I guess I'm also disappointed in myself for putting myself in this position.

I'm not married and never have been, but I can definitely relate! While I was in a relationship with someone else, I started talking to this guy I knew for a very long time. To make a long story short, I became very emotionally attached to him. We talked for about a year (He was not married, but had a girlfriend) There was no sexual contact between us and we only hung out once... and that one time was amazing. We literally could have talked for hours... anyway, what i'm trying to say is I know it's hard. But I find comfort in thinking about some alternate universe... where you two can be together and nothing is holding you back... but that's just chasing the wind. I guess that's what our situations are... chasing the wind..

PassionateDove,<br />
Take your judgements somewhere else. These forums are not here to judge. Go to a different blog to cast stones.

Haven't your husband noticed the changes in you? You shouldn't be married you have definitely pissed all over your marriage. Those vows you made on your wedding day didn't mean a thing to you. GET A DIVORCE!!

As a 22 year old single woman who ended an affair with a MM 3 months ago, I have to urge you strongly to end all communication completely, NOW. The only happy ending to this story is for you to get out of it. This isn't me speaking bitterly or venting; it's the truth. It is never a good idea to get involved with a MM, especially when you are also married. Spare yourself and your spouse the agony. Even as a single girl, I broke the heart of a single guy who was in love with me. Don't cause pain to everyone involved. Be thankful you didn't get physically involved - and end communication NOW. The sooner, the better. Trust me.

I understand. I am sorry.