I Had Him First

I started a friends with benefits relationship with an former co-worker who is 7 years younger than me. I was 27 he was 20. I found out that i took his virginity a year after we started this form of a relationship. This relationship started with me ending a 5 years relationship with my former boyfriend. So i wasnt looking for a serious relationship and thought starting this FWB relationship was what i needed. Needless to say feelings started to grow on my part and i kept them hidden thinking it would ruin what we had, which was a very pleasurable sexual attraction for both of us. I never knew if he had feelings for me since such talks we avoided. We would on occasion bring up in convo other love interests either of us had. I come to realize we both did this to gage any jealously we might have had. We both kept a cool head about it. But as for me it did bother me hearing of other girls. So after a year of this he embarked in a committed relationship. I was heartbroken. I pretended to be happy for him but i wasnt and became depressed. The cherry on the icing was i found out i was pregnant the same week he started his new relationship. It was a real dark time for me. All the emotions and anxiety was too mush for me that i started therapy. I didnt keep the baby which was extremely difficult. I did tell him i was pregnant we agreed together our best option. But i never exposed my deep depression from it to him. In other words he never knew my feelings for him or the painful termination of our child was on me. I felt as tho i didnt want to become a burden on his new relationship. I wanted him to be happy. So i decided to keep my distance and mourn on my own. But several weeks after his relationship started he seeked me out for sexual attention. Definitely confused I obliged because i do have feelings. Now 6 months later him and I are still sexually connected while his in the new relationship. I come to realize was never jealous of his new girlfriend and i cant be. I would be so hurt if i was her. She has no idea what him and i are or what we do. He built his relationship on a foundation of lies & I cant envy that. But this doesnt make me think less of him. I still struggle with my feelings with him as they were set before his girlfriend came into play. And in many ways im okay with this bc again i dont have to own up to my real feelings. Someone told me just keeping doing what you are doing until you are no longer happy. As i write this i realize I keep running, always running away from feelings. I hope to have the strength to own up to my feelings.
pinkopal pinkopal
31-35, F
4 Responses May 15, 2012

OMG people are stupid sometimes. (Yes me included!)<br />
<br />
Why don't you just tell him how you feel? What have you got to lose?<br />
<br />
WK<br />
http://diariesofanadulterer.blogspot.com/

I enjoyed your heartfelt story. If I may add..."no pain, no gain."

I have wondered that too. Because why else would he continue to have an affair with me if he is in a new relationship. But my fear is if he doesn't feel the same then i will lose what I have with him.

What if he felt the same way you did? You really aren't doing yourself any favors keeping your feelings to yourself or staying in this situation. Do what you need to do for yourself. Don't worry about anyone else. YOU are the most important!

Its just so hard admitting something i have pretended for so long.