Broken

Love that song by Evanescence but now unfortunately its me. I am brand new to this sight and would like any feedback please. I know that each of us only know our own story and sometimes seeing it with other eyes is helpful and sometimes not. This desperation I have been in is exhausting so I am reaching out. My story started almost three years ago in July of 09. I was married (still am actually) and so was he. We both worked together. The typical story. Started out as friendship and we told one another that if we started something together...our goal was not to leave our spouse. I should have run...lol. I tried actually, I told my mm that I didn't think it was a good idea but he pursued me and then I told myself ok...if the kiss is bad...hahahaha. It was the hottest, sweetest kiss ever of course. So fast forward 3 wks i guess it was and then my husband found out. I lost my job, was terrified of my husband (he responded violently), contacted my mm's wife and told her and threatened my mm. It was a horrible experience but it only made me desperate for my new friend. We reconnected 6 wks. later and have been together ever since until D-day 2 months ago. The rest of 2009 and 2010 I new I needed to leave my marriage. I was in a hole with him and I was beginning to see a different side of relationships by being with my mm. I only saw my mm maybe once or twice a week at this point because it was very difficult to get away but we did instant message everyday. 2011 I had it, I was falling apart being in my marriage and was close to a nervous break down. My daughter had to be sent away to a wilderness program for depression and my son was suffering as well. My mm was my rock, he was my confidant, my friend and lover during the worst part of my life. He was my happy spot. I left my husband in July of '11 and have been living in an apt ever since. The separation gave my mm and I more time and now we saw one another every day and were intimate as much as possible. Our feelings grew and I was happier than ever. We discussed how perfect we were, we discussed life together, we discussed having a child together. I was on top of the world. In Jan of '12 I started to want more from my mm and we had long discussions but he wasn't in the same place. I actually broke it off with him but we were back in each others arms a few days later. The intensity is insane as you all know. Its beautiful and broken all at the same time the perfect paradox. Feb 13 we broke up again now he was saying that he didn't want to hurt me... but once again...together again in less than 12 hours and this time when we were intimate it was the first time we both released completely and trusted what we were feeling for one another and it was the most amazing beautiful experience and we both cried and held one another asking what were we thinking trying to break up. It was pure bliss. That lasted about a week and then my husband (remember I am just separated) had me followed (not the first time). My mm was exhausted from running from him, we had been caught on several occasions and this time my mm said he couldn't see me anymore until I was divorced. That of course lasted a few days and we were back again. During these conversations my mm told me he DID NOT want to be separated. Hurt my heart. When we got back together I tried to put boundaries but we all know this is an oxymoron in this type of relationship. We continued on and had the same conversations about how perfect it would be to be together. Now my mm had never been over to my apt, because he feared my husband would show up (an excuse I think) the truth is he knew that if he came to see me at my apt that would mean more of a commitment. So it was a problem with me. We were in a great place again and for the next few weeks life was sweet again with my mm. He really was my happy spot in life and someone I could lean on during the craziness around us. March rolled around and spring break and we had planned on my mm coming over to see me then. His kids would be with his parents and his wife would be working and it would be the perfect opportunity for him to finally come to my apt. The first day of spring break was the day...that morning I spoke w him and it was set he was coming after lunch to spend the afternoon with me. He called at lunch and said he couldn't do it anymore and he was breaking it off. I was furious. We are both 41 and he is "calling" to break up after this time? I insisted he meet me and tell me face to face. He was reluctant but we did and he told me how I was always on his mind and how he had been thinking of just telling his wife everything and how he was afraid he would let a conversation slip...he said he was tired of running and he just couldn't do it anymore and he was torn. So I told him I didn't want him to hurt and if this relationship was causing him that much pain then I couldn't and I didn't want to have him like that. I told him I wanted him to come to me on his on will not me forcing him to. When he started to leave he looked at me and said "you know I thought this was going to be a screaming match". Funny because we never fought, that wasn't us. So he left and I cried and cried and cried. The next day I kept busy thinking it was over and I got a message from him. I told him that if he didn't want me I needed to find someone who did and his response..."I don't know". So we decided to meet and when I picked him up he said he wanted to go to my apartment. That was huge for him and me.... I know it doesn't seem like it was but it was his way of saying he wanted to work this out and be with me. When he was over we semi discussed him moving in of course the main topic was lovemaking...lol after we ended up going out to have a beer together and life again seemed to be on track with my mm. The following week exactly to the day was D-day March 20th. He had left his phone chat open and his daughter found it and told his wife. The chat was innocent, but obvious he was with another woman. I received a IM from him only saying his wife found out and it was over and not to try and look for him and he wouldn't try to look for me either. I was shattered. But thought after a few days he would find me and either tell me he was working on his marriage or not. So I waited and waited and then the wife started to bait me on the IM, and after a few days of that I was mad and fell for it and had a "conversation" with her. I didn't give her the info she was looking for I only told her that I loved him and I knew he missed me too. She showed him the chat and of course he was pissed and sided with her and emailed me telling me to not contact him. So I didn't and I had written a "closure" letter to give him but had no way to get it to him because our acct was now compromised and I didn't want to call his work or send to his work email because of prying eyes. I asked one of my friends to contact him and then I got a text asking me to meet him at our park and we could talk then. I put on my sexiest skirt and went up to the park knowing in my gut that he was going to tell me it was over. I was right... and he brought his wife. Double slap in the face. He looked like he hadn't slept in days and couldn't look at me once and she and I spoke mostly other than him telling me he didn't want me to contact him ever again (with his head down). She kept wanting information but I couldn't speak. I could have sold him out, but I couldn't speak and it wasn't the way I handle things. I didn't want him if he didn't have the ba... to want me or act like a human being during this horrible situation instead he acted like a child being punished. I was sick to my stomach. I didn't know who this man was standing in front of me. I have been told that this behavior is normal when a mm gets caught and they run back to the wives like hurt children. I still don't understand his cowardly behavior I have been told that he didn't have a choice...maybe so but he could have treated me better. I was with him for almost 3 years...and he is acting like we never existed. Since that time the wife has been harassing me and my husband. I worry that one too many emails to my husband will send him over the edge. The emails are vial and disgusting that give details about my sex life w mm and that I still talk to him and still see him(not true). Even though all of this is occurring I have only had 2 direct encounters with him (the park and a phone call re: the emails) and with the wife two times. I have stayed away even though the emails continue and other harassment continues. Its so hard because I want to let him know but when this first started he refused to believe she was doing it. Its been 3 wks since my last attempt to tell him about he emails. I miss him terribly. I don't cry as much but still do at least once a day and think of him all day (not willingly) I wake up with him on my mind and go to sleep hoping to dream about him. I am in love even though he has been a coward and I wonder all the time if he will contact me. Its been 2 months since D-day and 3 wks since I stopped responding to the drama. Any tips or advice are welcome. I know this is a long post so thank you for reading and I really would like to know if you think he will contact me one day?
cantletgo09 cantletgo09
41-45, F
4 Responses May 16, 2012

I think if you really thought about, you would see that you don't want him, you want the way the affair made you feel. His recent actions have spoken louder than anything you guys had over the 3 years. You have let him know what his wife is doing and he has done nothing. He is a coward in my opinion and he is not worth your time or trouble. Yes you loved him, but I assume you loved your husband at one point as well. People change, and just as your love with your husband changed, so has the love you had with your MM. If his marriage does blow up, would you really want to be with a man that ignored you and allowed you to be treated so badly? You are going to say he didn't know, but he did know, he just chose not to believe you.<br />
Try to look back at the time you had together fondly, but as something in your past.<br />
With regard to his wife. I admire you for taking the high road. However I don't feel like you should continue to allow her to abuse you. I understand her hurt and anger, but it is misdirected and it needs to stop. I would suggest that maybe you contact her, (registered letter?) and tell her that you have no intention of getting back with your husband and that she is only making a fool of herself. I would also tell her that you fear for her and her husband because of what your ex husband might do. I would also continue to try to get the police involved. <br />
I wish you the best. Consider this time to move on, to heal yourself, so you can help you kids heal and for all of you to live a happy full, guilt free life.

Wow...emailing you at work. She is very angry and bitter. I'd see if the police can do anything or block the email address. She's making it tough for everyone to move forward. <br />
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Just remember we're here to help in anyway & you can read our stories, which may be a good distraction.

Thanks guys. I believe she is not taking this well at all and who knows what she is doing on his side for all I know she is sending emails to herself and making it look like I am sending them. She thinks she is cutting all ties and she is doing a good job but this is out of control. And scary. My husband is his own employer so he is in charge of himself. I have gone to the police but since each email and harassment cannot be linked directly to her I can't file harassment charges against her. They are all anonymous. But she is the only person with the detailed info she is relaying and I know its not him..he is afraid of my husband and for 3 yrs we avoided confrontations with both my husband and his wife. Now I know why :/ she is a little off.

ok i am going to attach just one of the emails sent recently...warning its vial and disgusting but this is what I'm dealing with:

He fills your wife up with all his ***. He is going to **** her today. We ***** her in the car and slutty motels. Her car is full of his *** and so is her *****. She begged him for it because you can't please her. Your wife is his ****. Your wife wants to be his ****. She does not love you. How can she love someone who can't satisfy her. She told him you are trash. She told him you are a baby. She told him you are not worth respecting and she hates you and always has. His *** is in her right now. She sucks his **** in the car. She said that she likes to lie to you and use you. She says that she likes to **** him and them go see you and laugh at you the whole time inside knowing what she has done. She says you are not worth dog **** on the bottom of a shoe. She ******* hates you and going to leave you and ruin your life. She still chats with him everyday and tells him she loves him.

i hope no one gets offended but i wanted to share and show what I'm dealing with from the wife

OMG! I don't understand why she's emailing him. Does she not know you 2 are seperated? She is a very bitter woman &amp; I really think your ex mm should step up and tell her to stop making herself look childish &amp; act like an adult. I wonder how thinks are going for him at home

She is trying to ruin any chance of reconciliation for me and she is so angry she can't see past herself and the damage she is making worse. My mm obviously has no idea what is going on...I tried 3 wks ago to let him no but he was rude on the phone and told me to file a police report and that he didn't believe she was doing this. Now I have a long list of saved emails and dates and times of harassment I am going to mail to him. I have no other way to communicate with him unfortunately.

Wow what a mess. I really feel for you. If my om did that I would have a new disrespect for him. Forward him the emails &amp; leave it at that. No more contact with him.

It is a total mess. My xMM is not the one who sent the email...it is his wife. She is a new level of yuck. Im not going to have any contact. It gives her what she wants and she will just use it against me. I am just waiting for it to blow up in her face. If she is talking like that to my husband...I can't imagine how she is talking to xmm at home. I actually have the upper hand right now by being silent and if he doesn't see how awful she is (and he should remember) well then its his loss because we never fought or were rude or disrespectful to one another ever. He will remember his life with her very soon and he may already. Being with me just made life easy for him because he didn't have to miss anything he had it all. The GF during the day who took care of him and loved on him and at night he went home and played house. Now he just has house...lol. Time is on my side and I actually am finally at peace tonight. Still want the dummy but now I know I am better than this drama.

4 More Responses

Maybe do what I do. Both my om & me know we can't be together but we have hopes that someday in the future we can be. For some reason just knowing that keeps us happy. Maybe when the dust settles he'll come back for you. 3 yrs is a long time.<br />
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But why is your husband harrassing you both if your seperated?

I do hang on to hope but don't want to live in the in-between because that is a dangerous place to live. Hard...I miss him so very much and I know he must miss me too.

Its not my husband harassing...its his wife and she is crazy, some of the things she sends are vial and disgusting. She sends them to my husband and stopped sending me anonymous chats and calls a few weeks ago but now is focusing her energy on destroying the possibility of me and my husband reconciling but what she doesn't realize in her stupidity is that she is waking up a giant in my husband... he can be and like most men when pushed scary. He would love the opportunity to destroy my MM.

Did he really love you? Cause I know mm in these situations tend to say anything to keep us around. I think you need to move on. He chose the wife & left you in the dust so to speak. Find someone who deserves your attention and move on from this. Get rid of the email address. Or give her what she wants....the down and very dirty details of your relationship with her man! Haha...that should just kill her. <br />
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These relationships are tough but I think me & my om have finally got it working well for us.....oddly. I have a story in another group if you wanna read.

I believe he did but obviously he is torn and chose what he knows and his wife is tormenting me with harassment even though he is at home with her...I wish she would just be happy with that. He chose her. I find it difficult to think we didn't have something special if he and I were together for the length of time we were. When push came to shove...he bailed. Sex is easy to find with anyone but having someone to share with on a deep emotional level? Not so easy. I am not going to send the emails and chats to his wife because I am better than that. Its not going to make things better. She knows he was with me for almost 3 years and that knowledge alone is hard for her. I just don't know how he thinks if things were hard before me why they would suddenly change after she found out about us. Life will never be the same for any of us. I have lost the man I loved and they are in their own personal hell trying to recover.