He Left... Finally

If anyone knows my story, which is similar to all stories, you know he told me he was going to leave a million times and never followed through. This last time he backed out he said he needed like one more week to properly sit down with his kids and tell them he was leaving. Coordinating a time with W to do this was apparently difficult. I gave it a couple of days.. after a few days it seemed like he felt he was in the clear for a little while again, so he started acting like everything was fine, barely talking about plans of moving out. So I told him I was done. No time limits, no distancing ourselves, but still keeping in some contact...DONE. I had been drinking way too much, and I was just all around depressed. I think he knew that I was at the end of my rope. He went with it, but he asked me to please give him until the end of that week before I wrote him off completely. He told me if he wasn't out by the end of the week that he was going to walk out of my life himself because he couldn't cause me that much pain anymore. I said sure, thinking it was just another line... but he respected my wishes.. then Thursday he showed up at my door with bags of his clothes. He said he wasn't quite done squaring the initial steps away and that he still had some things he needed to bring over from there and that it was going to take a couple of trips. Sorry, I skipped the part of the story where he asked me if he could stay at my house until he found a place. He said it would be better for him to just get out as quickly as possible and then find a place.
It has mostly been great so far. We go work out every night.. which we never had time to do together before, we joined together on a gym membership. We eat dinner together everynight and go to bed together. I'm no longer so distracted worrying and wondering what he's doing that I can't focus on much else. I'm doing better with my school work, and even back to eating healthier (I still love junk food, lol) and I believe this is largely because of the amount of stress that I've been relieved of. He seems happier than I've ever seen him before too. He always seemed pretty happy, but even more so now... just relieved I guess. Last night he sat in the living room and watched UFC with my dog laying next to him on the couch (cutest thing ever) and I sat in the kitchen doing homework. At commercials he would come and rub my shoulders and chat for a bit. I felt so at peace. It's probably unhealthy for two people's sanity to rely so much on the other person... but it is what it is I guess. I know that if he would have decided he couldn't leave them I would've survived and moved on. It was just a matter of deciding, which is hard. Like I said, it's been great, but I know we are not out of the woods yet.
There is still the issue of... her. SHe actually hasn't been horrible... yet. The only thing that annoys me is that she feels the need to call him every single time their son says he misses him. Then when he talks to him he seems perfectly fine. I understand if he's having a breakdown, but I feel like she should be able to handle it and talk to him sometimes herself. It seems to me like her doing that is basically her telling their son that it's all Dad's fault so talk to him, not me. Also, she likes to try and ask him, at the last minute to take the kids here or there, which him and I both agree is just her trying to make a power play, ( i try to keep opinions to myself unless he asks) to see if she can still make him drop everything. Yesterday she said she had some things to do before a birthday party and asked if he could drop off the kids at the party at 6:30 or something. He told her no, and that they have to stick to scheduled plans... unless it's an actual emergency of course. I was afraid if he ever did leave that it was going to be too hard to be away from his kids and he would go back. But I think he really has everything figured out and feels good about it. He sees them every single day when they get out of school and daycare until she gets out of work at 6pm, so he sees them for about 2 1/2 hours every day. Then saturdays and sundays while I'm at work... he goes to the oldest's sports stuff and hangs out after. Then they plan on him having them all weekend, every other weekend when he gets a place. So I guess it's safe to say that things are finally going in the right direction?? Hope so
Orangalang Orangalang
26-30, F
3 Responses May 20, 2012

You are far from out of the woods! It is going to become the life of hell pretty soon. You need to prepare yourself for the wife to call you everything in the book and then some. The kids will hear all the bad things about you from their mom and they are not going to like you at all! Their friends and everyone who knows them will have a negative opinion right from the start. Nobody will want to even know you let alone be nice to you. It is going to get much worse than you think. Your bf/mm is going to be put in a bad light as well. He will feel guilty at times and need space to deal with it. I hope the two of you can stick together through this and not argue about the things that are being said. I married my mm 21/2 years ago and it still isn't easy. His children are all grown and hate me! Holidays are way messed up and family functions are not pleasent most of the time. The fun is about to really begin.

My situation is a bit different than yours. His friends and family that I've met all hate her... Like HATE her. He hates going to his own family functions because he says his family is screwed up. I've never had any delusions about being close with his extended family as he is not even close with them. I was definitely never expecting his wife to be my friend. We are definitely experience brand new kinds of issues. He is having trouble figuring out how to juggle everything and he is trying to spread himself way too thin in order to comply with her demands (constantly changing schedule that he has to work with) because he feels that that if he doesn't then he is not fulfilling his responsibilty.. It drives me nuts because I know she is abusing him and using her kids as a weapon, buit I don't know how to be there for him for that without coming across as bitchy as well. I'm not to worried about being mistreated by anyone in his life. He loves me and wouldn't expect me to sit around and deal with that. I obviously would love a picture perfect life but I know that's not what you sign up for in this kind of situation. If his family can't accept me then so be it... He has told my own mother to back off for making comments about my weight, so I can't imagine him expecting me to be disrespected by anyone.

Very glad to hear that. I hope you are right.

I'm definitely not saying things are perfect. A small part of me misses the times before he left. It's strange but life was much more simple then. He's trying too hard and stretching himself thin trying to keep everyone as happy as possible and it's showing. I didn't think him leaving would cause us to see less of each other. The way he's acting is starting to make everyone mad, which is frustrating him because he feels like all he does is run around doing stuff for everyone else so how could anyone be upset with him. I think the problem is in him trying as hard as he can to not change his kids lives too much she is taking that as he's not really serious about leaving her. He's sending everyone mixed messages.

I agree she doesn't think this is a permanant thing. She doesn't think the marriage is over. Trust me things are going to get much worse before they get better. especially when she find out about you.

1 More Response

It's had it's ups and downs. I thought I had realistic hope of how it was going to be but I didn't. I guess I sort of thought everything would magically fall into place once he left ha! Lol not the case. He was with me SO MUCH that I thought there was no way she didnt know he was seeing some one. So I assumed once one of them finally said it was over it would have been somewhat of a relief. But no... She straight up asked him to stay and that they didn't even have to have a real relationship behind closed doors. She had anxiety attacks were he would go over there and calm hr down in like 5 minutes and leave. His oldest would cry and she would call him and basically be like you devastated our son so talk to him. I feel like it takes 2 people to make or break a relationship and she is still his mother so she should try and talk to him. Not my business though. I am doing my best to not add my two cents unless he asks. Oh and he's staying with me... I live in a sketchy neighborhood so I wouldnt expect him to bring his kids over...plus I'm not gonna barge my way into their lives this soon.. So until he gets a place he either spends time with the kids over there or he takes them to his moms. That annoys me because when he's there she starts in on him about what a piece of **** he is. I hate it. But he is doing his best... I trust that. She is saying she's moving out of their house and into a condo at the end of the week and he's gonna move back in the house. So we'll see. He seems happier than I've ever seen him when he's with me. When we go to bed at night. We get to go to the gym together every night, have dinner together.. Finally starting to have somewhat of a normal life and that is fantastic :)

Hi.. have not been to this site for awhile....Glad he finally left...how is it going now? I hope well.... let me know..