How Did My Life Get This Way...

I am currently seeing a married man who is 10 years older than me. He has been married for 3 years and he said the reason they got married in the first place is because she got pregnant. Well, after the wedding, she miscarried supposedly. I doubt that she was ever pregnant but maybe I am just in denial. Well, a few weeks ago she left him. I was so happy. I finally got to have this amazing man all to myself. A few days went by, and she decided she wanted back in. She said she was pregnant and he believed her. He took her back and I'm left feeling second best. He said she deserves another chance because she is having his baby. He said he'd give her a month or two and if things didn't get better then he would leave. I'm hoping. Its pathetic really. But I have never loved anyone like I love him and I don't think his intentions are to hurt me. He said he was gonna let me go because I deserve better, but I couldn't let him. I HAVE to talk to him. I need him. So we decided we'd just be friends. That lasted, oh, about 3 days, and just this morning he was in my bed again. He left to go home and I was left feeling lower than dirt.

I know he really does love me. He tried to get me to let him go multiple times because he says I deserve better. And he says he hates to see the hurt on my face every time he has to go home. But I also know he loves her too. He's told me that he does. But he also says that he knows something isn't right with the 2 of them. They aren't happy together anymore and he suspects her of cheating on him. I love him so much and I don't know what to do anymore. I can't leave him. I've tried and I just can't. He's amazing and when he's with me I feel better than I have my whole life. But when he has to go I feel terrible. I give him my best and I feel like I'm not good enough for him. I always wind up feeling inadequate. I hate his wife. She's so cruel to him. She yells at him all the time and calls him names. He's not allowed to talk to other women, but she thinks its absolutely fine when she talks to other men. She doesn't even try to hide it. I love him and make him happy in ways that she can't or won't. Why does he pick her over me? If its because she's supposedly pregnant, he already knows that I would love to have his children. We've discussed it even. I just wanna be with him and I know that sounds so pathetic but I would do anything for it to just be me and him. Will he ever leave her? He keeps saying what will be will be... But I don't think its that simple. If he wants to be with me, its going to take actions. I don't think it will just happen. I have come so close to telling his wife about us, but I don't know how to go about it. Is that even a good idea? I think she should know the truth. I haven't discussed this with him because I am afraid he will leave me. Should I give an ultimatum or wait it out? I'm so confused and so stressed. I can't sleep at night, my hair is literally falling out, I've been having acne break outs on my face, I can't eat. This situation is really making me ill. But I feel like he's worth it and if I just give him time, we'll be together. Just us two.

Please help me. What I need is some good advice.