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How Did This Happen?

I've been in 2 serious relationships since my late teen/early adult years, and I was always faithful, but was cheated on numerous times in both situations, most of the time in each relationship the cheating happened with the same woman--which led me to believe there was some kind of established relationship between my men and the other girls. I despised--almost hated--the women whom I knew were sleeping with my men. I questioned my sanity and my desire to want to continue to make something work with someone (in each case) who didn't seem to care about my feelings and making the situation work. I actually promised myself that I would NEVER play the role of the other woman. I knew how it felt to be hurt, and I didn't want to be partly responsible for breaking up another woman's happy home or making her feel that type of pain, regardless of if I knew her or not. Now fast forward. It's been about 4 years since my 2nd relationship ended, and, on several occasions I've been involved with men that are either in committed relationships, including married men. A few were just flings, nothing that I myself considered to be serious, or anything I would take serisouly. My reasoning? Well, No reason I could give would justify the behavior or act of being involved with a man that I knew was in a relationship. What I can say is that being single now leaves a lot of doors open. Ironically, it seems to be only men that are involved with someone that find their way to me. Honestly, I never seek to be involved with these types of men, it just happens. I've been dealing with this particulat guy for about 2 years now, and during the course of that time he married the woman I knew he was with when we started our "fling". Feelings have come into play, unfortunately, and I feel more and more less of a woman the more and more I deal with him. I ask myself how did I go from saying "I would NEVER", to playing the role? No holidays, no quality time outside of the time that I can be fit into whatever time he may have left in the week. I try to break it off--politely, too--but he won't allow it. He always finds some way to stay in my life. Some way to convince me that I shouldn't leave. He never promises anything, just knows what to say to keep me temporarily happy. I know deep down he's not going to leave her. There was a time when they broke up briefly and he was ALMOST exclusively mine, but guess what? There was yet another woman I had found out he was involved with, and, guess what else? She allowed ho mto come back after all of that. Do I know I'm worthy of more? Yes. Do I have low self-esteem? No. I'm still trying to retrace my steps and recount how I allowed myself to get on this emotional rollercoaster. When I ask myself these questions over and over, I ease my own mind by saying, well, if he didn't really care he wouldn't try so hard to be a part of your life. I know this is not a healthy situation, and I hate that I could never be number one in his life, but I'm still holding on mostly I think because of feeligns of lonliness and despair. Plus he does things to me and for me that no other man that has come into my life so far can do. I don't want to hurt anyone, really her I mean...all I truly want is happiness. But at what cost?
IAmWorthy IAmWorthy 26-30 1 Response Aug 24, 2012

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oh dear!! i can really feel for you.. our love life seems to be so similar.. I too never wanted to be the other woman.. after 2 bad relationships this guy was everything i wanted in a man who i met thru fb... fell real bad for him. After 6 months i realised he was married and had a daughter. I even realised that I was not the only one he was in contact with..He too did nice things to me/for me that no other men ever did.. It's been a year... I'm still struggling to move out and failing everytime. I've just resorted to taking one day at a time cos I know one fine day I will come out of this and will have the courage to move ahead.. Hoping for the same with you... EP is where i find my solace and not look at my phone every other minute expecting his msg. :) pls remember you are not alone.. tc