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He Is Leaving To Be With Me

I got involved not thinking that it would lead to anything but l and behold, he is in the process of getting a divorce (and the papers are filed) and I really don't know how to handle it.
SpicyLady SpicyLady 36-40 14 Responses Aug 27, 2012

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I understand what the cheated woman is saying. It IS an infuriating situation and lovers/legal spouses stand on either side of the affair, claiming to be stuck. I know, I'm right there too.... The wife can't kick him out coz he's obviously giving her some kind of hope, and he won't let me leave him, as he's attached to me too, not to mention I am married too and my husband doesn't want to know about divorce. I NEVER would have believed I would find myself in this situation. I always thought affairs were ridiculous, but now that I am emotionally involved with another guy, i feel positively twisted... these are NOT very dignified stories, and they do chip at our self esteem and confidence. :((( I don't think you can find a spouse/other woman dialog that is not going to be acrimonious, the important thing to remember is that it's the man in the middle that stepped out of his marriage, we mustn't get all wrapped up with the OW. Long term, i think these affairs fade as the novelty wears off, and then the guy is stuck with a wife and a girlfriend which is where it becomes ridiculous.<br />
But let me tell you, I was definitely not seeking this kind of lacking, needy, secretive relationship, but the fact that I DID engage in it, has certainly taught me a few life lessons, to say the least.

Im happy for. I wish my MM do the same.

*for u

There are over 8 million more men in the US than women, and not all these women are lesbians. The only fix for this is polygamy. Marry him and tell him to stay married to his wife and live that way. It will save everyone so much pain.

I think a man should be able to have more than one wife, and then this all would be null and void. Why should a man have to leave the mother of his child to be with another woman he is interested in?

So you liked being the " other woman " ? You were part of being the home wrecker just as much as him, and the job is done, and you're ready to move on to the next troubled marriage? HMMMMM....is that it or am I mistaken?

I would give everything to be in your position and to be able to be with my MM<br />
You are so lucky, be grateful for getting what so many of us can only dream of

I was with my married man for 6 months, then he intentionally left his email account open so his wife could find our emails - she was already suspicious and he wanted to end their marriage but didn't have the guts to do it. She kicked him out, and another 18 months later we are still together. <br />
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The problem is that he still treats me like 'the other woman'. His friends and family, and wife (still not divorced yet....) don't know about me, and it's just making me miserable. He has a 4yr old daughter who I met once under a fake name, but that was a long time ago now. When we're together it's sometimes amazing, and sometimes him just criticising and trying to 'improve' me. <br />
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He makes a lot of time for me, but will frequently cancel on me and obviously his wife calls all the shots re his daughter, who he sees most days. It hurts me to know he has this whole other life without me, and I've even developed an irrational hatred of children because it just makes me angry that he's not even trying to make a part of his daughter's life. I'm under no illusion that it would be easy, but he won't even introduce me to his dad or his brothers, let alone let me see his daughter. <br />
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To add insult to injury my parents have lent him a large amount of money to pay off his debts, he left his marriage with nothing except debt. My parents obviously did this to help me - not him. I also emptied my savings to rescue him from yet another dilemna he got himself into. I watched him lying to my parents - he told them the divorce was underway when I knew it wasn't. He looked my dad in the eye and promised he wouldn't hurt me. <br />
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He's not trying to get back with his wife, and she doesn't want to be with him. He just keeps moving the goalposts - initially he said they'd have to be split up for a year before she found out he was seeing someone else, now we're apparently waiting on a divorce which he won't really talk about as to the progress. She openly talks about going out looking for a new rich boyfriend. <br />
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I love him, but I've turned into an angry, resentful person which I wasn't before. I don't know how long to wait for. Or even if I'm being unreasonable. He has a way of arguing that makes me think all this is normal and I'm asking for too much. He fluctuates as to whether or not he wants to marry me and have children with me, sometimes he'll say he'll do it if I want to, other times he'll make out that it's a ridiculous suggestion. I think children would be a mistake given everything, but I don't think marriage is a lot to ask - I don't want a big white wedding, just a commitment - in a registry office if that's what he wants. <br />
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I just feel like I've given him everything and to be honest I'm starting to resent him.

He is still treating like the "other woman" and it sounds like you are letting him. You need to love yourself more than this relationship; which right now is not really a relationship. It sounds like you are with him based upon potential that may or may not ever happen. I think you need to ask yourself why you would want to be with someone who is lies and is deceitful. Do you really want to be married and committed someone like this? Ask yourself is this is really a 50/50 relationship? He is taking and not giving in return. You deserve so much better! You should resent him...but also try to find out why you are okay with this situation. Why are you sacrificing your self respect for this man? I wish you the best. My mm left his marriage as well and we continued to date. I soon realized that he was still not being honest with his wife and everyone around us. I ended the relationship because I did not want to be with the kind of person he had become. I will always care about him and we are still in contact, but it wasn't enough for me to have him say he loved me. At the end of the day love and care are also actions!!

I look at where the problem originated, which is getting involved with a married/committed person. When someones relationship is on the rocks, a person with integrity will offer to help mitigate the situation, especially when tender young children are involved. A selfish person with no conscience will move in for the kill. Men and women who are married and committed all have weak moments and are human. I have never been involved in extra marital affairs for the simple fact that there are so many consequences that they can not be counted. Whenever a committed person propositions me I feel a fear I cannot describe. Once this area has been entered nothing can repair it. You have no respect for yourself, for him, his wife, and especially his little girl. I pray that little child will be protected from all the selfish actions and consequences that are going to take place. What an absolutely sad situation. What has happened to the human race, for real?

I think my biggest concern, is what are you doing on a forum specifically for "The Other Woman" When you are so hard-heartedly against it? Everyone here is already quite aware that what they are doiing is socially unexceptable, but you cannot stop life, or love. Things happen in strange ways. You sound like someone who has been cheated on.

His parasitic behavior and what about hers? Parasites like each other I believe.

Yes I have been cheated on. How did you figure this out? I know I cannot stop life or what you call " love ". It is not love but actually the worst kind of violence around. The psychological damages are exponential, and what concerns me is you all discuss this as some kind of soap opera or fairy tale, yet the damage it causes is extremely dangerous and horrible. What people are discussing on here is socially acceptable in certain societies of people. This all depends on ones morals and belief system. The main concern I have is all the smoke and mirrors and fairy tale talk, yet no one mentions the innocent victims involved, because it's all about you.

If my opinion changes one person in a positive direction and helps stop someone from being a part of a horrible chain of events, then thank God. I do not care how much ridicule I get for sharing my beliefs, experience, and opinion on these matters, because I am tired of seeing families torn apart and the innocent little children suffering.

What about the fact that the child now has two parents, who are now apart, who are doting on her and spending quality time with her rather than spending all the time arguing with each other?

I understand, I really do. Don't think for a second that I don't whole heartedly think and worry about The children involved, I worry about the hurt his wife will feel. I worry about being resented, about him being resented, they're all real and valid concerns for me. You can't imagine how much. But the love outweighs the worry. If you've never been in a similar situation you'd never understand.

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@lakemigirl yes being involved is kind of a fantasy and the sneaking and hiding Is part of the thrill and passion. However, he is keeping me informed of everything. She is giving him a very hard and asking for more money than initially agreed upon. They have a huge house that has to be sold and she is extremely upset. Also, he mainly made her family, his family so he is no longer invited to family functions so he is a little upset about that. I warned him that I could not replace all of that because I have virtually no family or a lot of social connections. I fear that in a way that he Will regret what he lost. He insists though that I am not the reason of the breakup of his marriage. All if you ladies are correct. I should be on top of the world and many women dream for this day but I'm just not all that happy. I will take it one day at a time though.

You are wise to trust your gut on this! You are right to not be quick to assume that things are fantastic; on top of the world, goal achieved, role credits! He will definitely have to grieve the loss of this union and be ready to give him the time and space he needs. Be as supportive as possible!

I think you should apologize to his wife for your untoward actions and hope his wife takes him back. This man is obviously confused and you are making a bad situation even worse. There is nothing, and I mean nothing good that will come out of this, unless you want to live in a miserably drama filled life so you can come on here and discuss it like it is some kind of fantasy book.

The other option is his first wife stays and you legally become the second wife. this way the first marriage stays in tact and he has you as a second wife.

Most of us who have been with a mm dream of that day. You are not happy with that? Are you saying you aren't sure you are in love with him? Being involved with a married man is kind of a fantasy and the sneaking and hiding is part of the thrill and passion. I do wonder if when you finally get the guy, does some of that passion go away.

I think once she sees the pain this all causes in everyone, especially the innocent little child, this " fantasy, thrill, and passion " will no longer exist, just remorse, guilt, and pain. But I am positive that a person who can justify sleeping with a married or committed person can easily justify and shift the blame of all this on someone or something else. When this mans conscience catches up to him he will be miserable, and hopefully will return to his wife and her family for their forgiveness, and hopefully they will receive him back, and that little girl will see her Daddy with her Mommy, and they will live happily ever after.

Its like an addiction. You can resist it if you stay away but if he calls or stops, you are full into addiction again. Their may be love, but it is fueled by wanting what we can't have. I wish the people making cruel comment would not judge unless they have been there.

Good luck!! I hope to be able to make a post like that soon!!!!!!

Wow, you are one sick woman!

why is that..?

Go slow and take your time. This will finally give you both the chance to really be in a real relationship without the isolation. Pay very, very close attention to any "red flags" that come up and remain committed to yourself. "Be careful what you wish for" indeed!

Take it slow. Leave no stone unturned.

be careful what you wish for.... lol<br />
it's just an opportunity to get to date him properly and see if you want to be with each other. You don't HAVE TO do anything. Good luck

I thought she would have that figured out. I mean breaking up a marriage is pretty serious business, especially with children involved. Oh well, no big deal huh? It's just a child's sanity and psychological well being involved here. Oh, I'm sorry I brought up the innocent little child, because it is all about the home wrecker, right?

One day at a time.... my Guy also divorced. Good luck!!!