I'm One Of The Lucky Ones That Wouldn't Let It Become More. Or Am I?

Although we never met, and of course never had any physical contact, and no sexual exploits even in conversation, it was emotional cheating.

I became really depressed and low on life around the middle of 2009, and at the end of that year I joined a support forum to help the symptoms. The next year, I started chatting with another member who was very similar to me with similar problems, and I knew it right away that I wanted to befriend this person. So we chatted a few times that year, and never became close, just members in the forum who chatted casually every now and then. We became friends on Facebook. Then, starting January of this year, he began to show signs of stronger interest in me, and asked for my phone number; I didn't allow him to call me. I had known a lot about him through our conversations in the forum, including that he was married.

We had a lot in common, similar in so many ways. We continued chatting every now and then and more often online. Around the 4th of July I let him call me. We talked on the phone every now and then in July, and in August it became a little more intense and more frequent. He said he wanted to see me. He said he and his wife had agreed to get a divorce. He lives in Rhode Island and I live in D.C., but I often visit some close relatives in Connecticut, and plan on seeing them this Christmas. So he said he could drive there to visit me this Christmas, and I thought it was a bad idea unless he was getting divorced. So I told myself that it was just going to be a visit and a day out with a friend of mine, who I always only considered nothing more than a friend.

It started getting complicated. He would leave his house and go to relatives' places to talk to me on the phone because his wife didn't like me and hated that he talked to me. So I became uncomfortable and told him we can't be close as friends. But since we both came from a support forum where no one breaks their friendly ties because we can't handle it, we stayed friends. About a week ago, I decided to end it, regardless. I told him we'll chat every now and then just to check on each other, but showed him that I wasn't going to be as available to him as before. I didn't call him, I didn't message him, anything, for three days. On Tuesday, he got upset, removed me from his Facebook. On Wednesday, I sent him a scathing message about how he lacks integrity and respect for me and especially his wife for pursuing other women outside of his marriage (Side note: I wrote a thread in the forum for everyone to see, with his member name in the title, saying that "[his name] is a selfish poodle *** ***** who cheats on his wife" and it was read by every moderator and administrator on that site - I made sure everyone knows he's a dog, just to let off some steam about him blowing me off for refusing to allow our friendship to be more). That evening, he responded to the message I'd sent him, evidently in denial and incomprehension of the fact that pursuing me and wanting to see me on a date constituted cheating on his wife. He thought the only way something is cheating is if there's sex. We'd had this debate over what constitutes as cheating weeks ago - he was in similar denial then.

So after the scathing message to him telling him off and saying goodbye and for him never to contact me again, he responded saying he never meant to add problems to my life, he's sorry, he's glad that I was able to get off my chest how I feel about our friendship, and that he was drunk and angry that I didn't want to be closer to him when he removed me... suddenly it became about him taking me, and my friendship with him, for granted. But he got the point that I did NOT admire that he was pursuing me romantically while married. He said he values our friendship and asked for forgiveness.

He had called me at least 20 times, to no answer. I didn't respond at all. The next day, I broke "no contact" and sent him another, much longer message in response to a drunk message he'd sent after apologizing and becoming angry for not getting a response from me. Yesterday, he said he was sorry, etc etc., and that he had a wedding to go to and that we could talk later if I wanted. I just responded "ne le fraites pas encore" meaning don't do it again. Today, his response was just "yes ma'am."

He sent me a friend request today, and I accepted. Haven't spoken since, and probably won't now that he knows that he can't pursue me romantically and how much respect for him is lost and how it made me feel; our friendship will not be the same. He added photos from the wedding and of himself and his wife together, his arm around her. Good. Fix that marriage or get out of it. As long as he isn't pursuing me.

I feel a lot better that I didn't let the situation escalate and let those plans to meet ever manifest. However, I still feel that I was the other woman, even if it was just emotional. I'm glad I was one of the lucky ones that got out of the situation that could have become much worse. I have some dignity now.

Although, admittedly, I must say that if he were ever single, I'd still have a soft spot in my soul for him. But now, I have to let it be filled by someone who can make space for *me*, if I can find him.
EmmanuellaOui EmmanuellaOui
26-30, F
2 Responses Sep 8, 2012

yes u are lucky being the other woman is a lot of pain to pay for the pleasure of falling in love with a man who is not free

Glad u got to vent ...but seriously do you have a real life??? Sounds like middle school antics. Good luck!!!

Middle school antics compared to what? I vented because that was one way I chose to cope with a situation that had me, quite frankly, a little pissed off. But no I don't have a life, never had one, was just laid off from my job last month, don't have many friends, did you see the part where I said we'd met on a support forum? No, my life isn't a dream and I barely have one.

I am truly sorry to hear that. Venting is healthy ...mentioned no offence. I see from your profile your new here. Welcome ...EP is a wonderful place to explore & have sum fun. Focus on the positives ...:-). Life is short....soo many interesting things to learn. Open your mind & discover who you are & who you want to become ...!!!..... :-)